The ARTwork of YOU with Lori Gouhin

Ep 77 Getting Honest About What You Actually Want

• Lori Gouhin • Season 2 • Episode 77

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Description:

In this episode, follow-up to episode 75 about cravings, Lori speaks to the critical distinction: the difference between genuinely wanting something versus merely liking the idea of wanting it. This topic has surfaced frequently in mastermind groups, personal reflections, and a recent conference she attended. Lori explores how most people fail to spend sufficient time getting honest about their true desires. She explains without this emotional honesty, you cannot effectively move from point A to point B. She emphasizes the power of clarity and the importance of emotional honesty in setting realistic, meaningful goals. This episode also covers why people romanticize goals they don't truly want and provides actionable steps for realigning goals with genuine desires.



Episode Highlights:


  • Understanding True Desires vs. Romanticized Goals
  • Examples of Misaligned Goals
  • The Importance of Emotional Honesty
  • Strategies for Setting Authentic Goals


Tune in now to find out if you are going after the right goals for you!



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[00:00:00] Lori Gouhin: Everything does begin to shift because you either double down and commit or you let go of what is weighing you down, and either way, it's a win Hello, my friends. I am so glad that you are here with me today because today I wanna talk about something that I thought would be a good follow up to episode 75, the one that I did on cravings. And by cravings I mean those ideas and goals that you're almost compelled to go after. [00:01:00] So today we're going to talk about the difference, right?

[00:01:03] Lori Gouhin: The difference between really wanting something. Just liking the idea of wanting it. And this is a conversation that's been coming up a lot lately in my mastermind group in my own thoughts, and at a recent conference that I attended by Brandon Gado called A to B Khan. And the whole premise of that event was about getting from where you are to where you wanna be.

[00:01:31] Lori Gouhin: And you know, that's a simple enough idea, right? But what became really clear to me was this, most people do not spend enough time getting honest about where they actually want to go. And that's the real problem because you cannot get from A to B if you're unclear of what B even is, or if B was never what you truly wanted in the first [00:02:00] place.

[00:02:00] Lori Gouhin: And so, as I mentioned, it's been something that's been coming up. A lot lately, and I've been watching it happen in real time with some of the women in my mastermind, as I said, and we've had some really deep and honest conversations about goals, goals that they've been going after, uh, some maybe for years.

[00:02:21] Lori Gouhin: And suddenly there's this moment when you might be like, wait a minute, do I even want this? Or. Do I just feel that I'm supposed to want it? And that kind of honesty, that's not weakness. That's powerful. And so that's what today's episode is really about. It's not about mindset. It's not about willpower or discipline.

[00:02:47] Lori Gouhin: It's about emotional honesty and about telling yourself the truth about what you want and what you're really willing to do to get it. Because [00:03:00] here's the deal, you can have the biggest vision for your life, the biggest vision in the world, but if it doesn't match up with your actual willingness to do the work, you're going to stay stuck at point A and I don't want that for you.

[00:03:17] Lori Gouhin: So let's talk about the difference between committed goals and uh, romanticized goals. Let's talk about the stuff that might sound good in theory. But actually falls apart when it comes time to show up. And let's get honest, because clarity will create momentum and honesty is where that will start. And so let's begin with the truth that most people don't want to admit that there's a big difference between wanting something and wanting to want something.

[00:03:50] Lori Gouhin: Wanting something means you are willing to show up for it. And wanting to want something, that usually means that [00:04:00] you're maybe in love with the idea of it, but not the actual process of getting there. I understand, right? We've, we've all done it. We have all romanticized certain goals because they look good from the outside.

[00:04:15] Lori Gouhin: Maybe they sound impressive or maybe they match an identity that we want to have or that we think we should have. But when you really zoom in on the day-to-day work. The actual effort that it's going to take. The discomfort, the patience, the consistency. That's where you find out if you really want it or if you are, maybe, um, I could say kind of playing dress up really with the fantasy of wanting it.

[00:04:45] Lori Gouhin: For example, you might say that you want to write a book, but what you really want is to have a written book. You love the idea of this finished product, maybe the cover, the launch party, maybe the applause that you will get, but do [00:05:00] you love the part where you sit alone at your desk? Probably unsure of what you're even writing is making sense to others.

[00:05:10] Lori Gouhin: Or you might say you wanna grow a million dollar business, but what you really want is the freedom or the recognition that you think comes with that kind of a number. And when it comes time to, to show up on video, or to make the offer, or to create products, or to get visible in ways that might feel uncomfortable for you, then you hesitate and you overthink and you hide behind the.

[00:05:36] Lori Gouhin: I'm still figuring it out. Or if, let's say it's not business, maybe it's a relationship. Maybe you say you want a deeply connected partnership, but you avoid vulnerability. You're not willing to do the uncomfortable work of being truly seen or having hard conversations, or even showing up fully when it feels safer to shut down.[00:06:00] 

[00:06:00] Lori Gouhin: And again, you're not doing anything wrong, but it is worth asking, do you want the intimacy or just the fantasy of being in love? And just to be clear, I always say this, but again, you are not lazy. You are not broken, you're not unmotivated, you're just not being emotionally honest about what you actually want.

[00:06:21] Lori Gouhin: And sometimes. We go after things that we don't really want just because maybe they've been on our goal list for so long that it would feel weird to let them go. Or maybe it's because people expect us to keep going because they're aware of our goals. Or maybe it's because we are afraid of what it means about us if we change our mind.

[00:06:45] Lori Gouhin: But here's what I've learned. There's so much freedom in finally admitting. I don't actually want this. That doesn't make you a quitter. It makes you someone who values your time and your energy and your [00:07:00] truth. Most importantly, I think back to when I was an elementary school teacher many decades ago, and I spent five years getting an education, and then I spent five years being a teacher, and then I quit.

[00:07:13] Lori Gouhin: Because I knew in my heart I did not wanna be on that 30 year public education plan, and people definitely thought I was crazy. My family thought I was crazy. People judged me and I. I'm sure that I judged myself, but I had to walk away because if I didn't, the decision would've gotten harder and harder and harder to make.

[00:07:34] Lori Gouhin: And so think about if you have been working on a goal, or maybe it's a goal that you've achieved already, like me with teaching. Maybe you've been working on it for months or years, and you're still not quite there or not quite satisfied. So it might be time to ask yourself, do I really want this? Do. I just like the way it sounds when I say that I want it, because when you really want something, [00:08:00] it's not just this inspiring idea and you that you write in your journal or put up on a vision board.

[00:08:06] Lori Gouhin: It actually becomes a decision. It shows up in your willingness. And so for example, when I started making art, I really, really, really wanted it. And in the beginning it wasn't about selling, although, I mean, I definitely wanted to sell my work, don't get me wrong. But in the beginning it was more about making something tangible and creative with my hands.

[00:08:29] Lori Gouhin: It was about seeing my ideas come to life and in a physical form and having a physical expression of something that was. Once, just only in my mind or my imagination, and I worked at it daily for a year, probably, maybe even more before I started putting myself and my work out there. And then once I did, it was another six months of Daily putting myself out there and working before I sold my first painting. And you know, because true desire isn't just about what you [00:09:00] hope happens, it's about what you're willing to do when it gets hard and when it gets boring, or when you're not in the mood or when you feel like nobody's watching and no one's clapping and no one cares.

[00:09:12] Lori Gouhin: But here's how I see it. If you really want it, you are willing to shift your schedule and you're willing to do the boring parts, and you're willing to be misunderstood. You're willing to be underestimated, and you're willing to start before you feel ready and you're willing to keep going after the excitement is no longer there or wanes temporarily.

[00:09:35] Lori Gouhin: That's what real wanting looks like. It's not about hustle or, or burnout or working 24 7. It's really about showing up even when it's quiet and awkward and progress is slower than you want it to be. I think back again, like when I started investing in real estate many decades ago, I showed up daily because I really wanted that.

[00:09:58] Lori Gouhin: I showed up daily to make a [00:10:00] fool outta myself, and I did day after day, but I was willing to learn and do that for as long as it took to get my first deal. The same really true on my coaching practice. That was years in the making. But it's not just about business. I know I'm giving a lot of business examples, but the same goes for relationships or your health or your lifestyle goals.

[00:10:21] Lori Gouhin: If you say, for example, you want a peaceful home, but you keep saying yes to things that drain you, the question really becomes what are you choosing? If you want to make maybe a new partner, or you say you want to form new friendships, but you refuse to put yourself in situations where you can actually be met.

[00:10:40] Lori Gouhin: Are you really open or are you just hoping it's going to magically happen somehow? You know, these are the questions that I want you to sit with. Ask yourself, are you willing to do what it takes for as long as it takes, and are you in love with the result? As well as in love with doing what it's going to [00:11:00] take.

[00:11:00] Lori Gouhin: Because the real wanting always shows up. In what you're willing to do, not just what you say. And so why does this even happen, right? Why do we romanticize goals that we actually don't want? I think a lot of the times it's, it's really not intentional. I think it's subtle, and I think that it happens really for a few, just a few common reasons.

[00:11:23] Lori Gouhin: Um, first I would say external validation. Because it feels good to say something like, oh, I'm working on a book. Um, I'm working on a TED Talk, or I'm working on a rebrand, or I'm working on building a community of like-minded people. It sounds great, and people nod and they're impressed. And if we're being really honest, sometimes.

[00:11:46] Lori Gouhin: The idea of being seen that way as ambitious and creative and maybe a visionary, it becomes more appealing than the actual process of doing the thing. And second, I would say kind of identity projection. We [00:12:00] attach our worth or our status to these goals. They become part of how we want to see ourselves and how we want others to see us.

[00:12:08] Lori Gouhin: Because you think, oh, I'm the kind of person who. Even if our actions don't line up with it, we hold onto that fantasy of that identity because letting go of that goal can feel like letting go of a version of ourselves, even if that version was never even real to begin with. And I would say another one is fear of choosing.

[00:12:30] Lori Gouhin: And I'd say this is a big one thatI do see with clients a lot, and that's romanticizing this big impossible goal. Something that's just. Always just out of reach because it actually protects you from having to commit to the real thing. And it keeps you safe from failure because as long as you're still quote unquote figuring it out, you don't have to risk doing the work and not getting the result.

[00:12:56] Lori Gouhin: You don't have to test your belief really, and you don't have to go all [00:13:00] in. And to go back to the conference I mentioned earlier, A to B con, the whole thing was built around. This question, how do you get from where you are to where you want to be? And if you don't know where B actually is for you, or if you're chasing a bee that was never yours to begin with.

[00:13:24] Lori Gouhin: You can't move forward with clarity. You can't get from A to B, and you'll stay stuck in this loop of, uh, maybe big talk and small action. And one of the most valuable things that I personally walked away with from this conference is this, and that is thinking bigger doesn't mean dreaming more, it means deciding with more clarity and it means asking.

[00:13:50] Lori Gouhin: Is the vision or the goal that I'm chasing actually aligned with who I am and what I actually want? [00:14:00] Am I willing to become the person who makes that vision happen? Or am I using the size of my goal to avoid doing the uncomfortable work that's right in front of me now? And I'll tell you when you start asking those questions.

[00:14:18] Lori Gouhin: Everything does begin to shift because you either double down and commit or you let go of the goal that is weighing you down, and either way, it's a win because really, again, emotional honesty, that brings clarity and this is also where goal strategy becomes important, I would say. Because I don't believe in setting goals just for the sake of setting goals.

[00:14:45] Lori Gouhin: I believe in helping people figure out what's actually worth working toward based on truth, their truth, not trends. And this is the part I'd say also where strategy and emotional honesty have to [00:15:00] meet. Because again, if your goals aren't rooted in something that's real to you. No strategy in the world is going to save you.

[00:15:09] Lori Gouhin: You can have the perfect calendar, the color coded tasks, lists, the best project management tools. But if the goal isn't yours, and if it's not something that you truly want, none of that will matter. This is whyI help clients to get very, very clear on not just what they say they want, but what they're actually willing to commit to.

[00:15:35] Lori Gouhin: And I don't mean discipline or hustle, although often it does take that, I mean the honest willingness to show up. And so I'd like for you to ask yourself some questions like, what will keep you from doing the necessary work? Sit with that one for a minute. What will come up that would actually keep me from doing the work?

[00:15:57] Lori Gouhin: Also, ask yourself, will you still [00:16:00] pursue it if it takes longer than you expect? A lot of times we have these short windows that we think everything's going to happen in. Also, ask yourself if you're willing to sit with the discomfort and face it and still do it in spite of that, because the discomfort comes and it comes regularly.

[00:16:17] Lori Gouhin: And because sometimes what people are chasing is really the applause or a title or an aesthetic. And when we strip all that away and we get right down to the core of it, there's often something else underneath that they really want, but they've been too afraid to name it. And that might something like admitting that maybe you wanna feel taken care of for once instead of always being the strong one.

[00:16:41] Lori Gouhin: Or maybe you realize that you don't want to scale a business. Maybe you want to simplify your life, or maybe you realize that you're not chasing the money or the status. You're really chasing the feeling of finally being proud of yourself once again. But those truths don't always sound impressive. I'm not sure [00:17:00] why they're impressive to me.

[00:17:01] Lori Gouhin: Uh, but they don't get the pause usually. And so people bury them under these big goals that look good on paper, even if they don't feel good in practice. And again, when we bring an emotional honesty into the equation. This strategy becomes a whole different game because it's no longer about trying to force yourself.

[00:17:22] Lori Gouhin: It's about creating a plan that matches your truth, your capacity, and your creativity, and your values, most importantly. So you must first. think about that. And sometimes that means shifting the goal entirely and letting go of something that sounded good on paper, and choosing something that actually feels good instead.

[00:17:45] Lori Gouhin: It feels good in practice. It feels good in your mind, even if it's not flashy, even if no one else gets it, because your real goals, the ones you're actually willing to show up for, they don't need to be marketed to people. I'm not talking about [00:18:00] marketing like business, but you don't have to sell those ideas.

[00:18:02] Lori Gouhin: They just need to mean something to you. All right, so what happens if you're listening and you're thinking, uhoh? I think I've been chasing the wrong goals. Well, first of all, that's a win. I would say seriously, that level of honesty. That's not something most people ever give themselves permission to get to, but you did.

[00:18:21] Lori Gouhin: And that tells me alone that you are more committed to your growth than the illusion of achievement. And so here's what I want you to know. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to walk away from goals that no longer fit. You're allowed to say, actually, I think I was more in love with the idea of wanting that than actually doing it, and that doesn't make you flaky or a quitter.

[00:18:48] Lori Gouhin: Again, it makes you self aware. So if you're realizing that a goal that you've been holding onto or chasing, here's what I would suggest. [00:19:00] Forgive yourself if you wanna let it go and let go of the shame, the guilt, the time you think you wasted, because you know what, you did not waste anything. That pursuit taught you something valuable, and that's what matters to you and what doesn't.

[00:19:14] Lori Gouhin: And number two, I would say. Just let it go without explanation. You do not need to explain it to everyone. You don't need to get approval to pivot, and if the goal doesn't align anymore, you are able to just release it and step three. I would say get curious because now that you've cleared some space, ask yourself what's underneath all of that.

[00:19:36] Lori Gouhin: What would feel good to pursue? What would excite you day to day? What are you willing to do without the accolades? And step four, I'd say finally, choose a goal again, that you're willing to commit to flaws and all, even if it's not shiny, even if it's not what you thought you should want, even if it's smaller or quieter or slower.

[00:19:58] Lori Gouhin: If you're willing to show up for [00:20:00] it, it's the right goal for you. And so to wrap it up, there is this version of you. That's deeply honest, that knows what you want. That's not chasing approval or aesthetics, but truth, that version of you is always there, and the more you practice being honest about your desires, the more powerful and aligned your goals become.

[00:20:24] Lori Gouhin: You don't need more willpower. You don't need another productivity hack. You just need to tell yourself the truth. Because the only thing worse than not hitting a goal is spending months or years chasing one you never actually wanted.