Ep 79 Stop Playing the Emotional Games That Are Holding You Back

In this eye-opening episode, Lori Gouhin pulls back the curtain on the emotional games we all play; often without realizing it. 

She shares how they quietly shape our relationships, our goals, and the way we see ourselves. Drawing inspiration from Dr. Eric Berne’s classic work Games People Play, Lori translates the concept of psychological games into real-world emotional patterns that keep us stuck, frustrated, and small.

Through relatable examples, personal stories, and actionable steps, Lori teaches how to recognize the games you are playing, why they feel so familiar, and how to finally choose integrity over emotional reflex. 

Tune into this episode; applying what you learn here will transform your relationships and your life.

Episode Highlights:

• Realizing the power you gain when you see the emotional games clearly
• Why even self-aware people unknowingly play emotional games
• Naming the games we play
• Lori’s personal reflection: Breaking the "Yes But" loop after her foot injury
• The comforting trap of familiar emotional patterns
• Learning emotional honesty as a skill set 
• Weekly Challenge: Spot the game, call it out, and choose a new way forward

You do not have to keep playing emotional games that cost you your power. The moment you choose clarity over old reflexes, you reclaim your freedom.

Book Referenced: Games People Play, Author Eric Berne

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Lori Gouhin: that's where your power is. Not in pretending the game doesn't exist, but in realizing you can stop playing the moment you see it for what it is.  Hello, my friends. I am so glad that you are here with me today because today I wanna talk about psychological games and most people have no idea that they're even playing them, but they are, and they really do shape their relationships, their decision making, and even the way that they pursue goals. So in this [00:01:00] episode, we're going to name some of those games and I'll share some of the most common ones, how to spot them, why we play them, and how to stop.

[00:01:09] Lori Gouhin: So let's start with first, what do I actually mean when I say psychological games? Well, I'm talking about repetitive patterns of behavior, especially in relationships and communication where there's an unspoken script running in your brain. 

[00:01:24] Lori Gouhin: 

[00:01:25] Lori Gouhin: These are games that we play automatically.  Like any game. They have rules and they have playoffs. 

[00:01:32] Lori Gouhin: And in the book games people play by Dr. Eric Byrne, he described these games as predictable covert exchanges.  You might say that follow a script ending in a playoff  It's usually one that reinforces your belief system or your emotional identity. Now, keep in mind that the thing with these games is they're not malicious.

[00:01:53] Lori Gouhin: They often are unconscious. They're how we learn to get our emotional needs met and how to get attention, [00:02:00] avoid discomfort, or maybe feeling control without actually saying what we need. It's an emotional strategy, you could say disguised as a conversation, and once you see it, you really can't unsee it.

[00:02:14] Lori Gouhin: And I want you to also keep in mind it's not just other people who do this. We all do it. Even those of us who are self-aware, even those of us who think we've quote unquote done the work, because games aren't always obvious. Sometimes they're very subtle. Sometimes they sound something like, I'm fine when you're really not.

[00:02:33] Lori Gouhin: maybe it's being overly helpful to people so that you don't feel like a burden and every game has a playoff, and that's the hook because you wouldn't play. If you weren't getting something out of it, whether it's safety, control, sympathy, or a way to avoid vulnerability, there's always something being traded.

[00:02:54] Lori Gouhin: So let's talk about some of the most common emotional games that people play.  Games that might be playing [00:03:00] out in your life right now without you even realizing it. Because once you recognize the game, you can stop playing it and start showing up differently.  Alright, so the first one is called. Why don't you?

[00:03:12] Lori Gouhin: Yes. But 

[00:03:13] Lori Gouhin: Have you ever had someone come to you for advice? Only shoot down everything that you suggest.  You say, what if you tried this? And they say, yeah, but that wouldn't work. So you try again. Well, maybe you could do this.

[00:03:28] Lori Gouhin: Yeah, but I can't because  you try a third time. Okay. What about this? Yeah, but I've already done that. That's not a conversation, that's a game, and it has a name. Why don't you? Yes, but  this is the person who asks for advice or help, but instantly rejects every solution you give them and it loops until that person feels validated in staying stuck.

[00:03:53] Lori Gouhin: The payoff is they get to feel heard without risking any change. And what's [00:04:00] really happening is they don't want help. They want confirmation that nothing can be done. So if you notice this in yourself, ask, am I looking for help or permission to give up?  And I think I was kind of playing that game a couple weeks ago when I broke my foot and I was contemplating canceling my second annual solo art show.

[00:04:22] Lori Gouhin: I think I was looking for permission to give up and to not have it, and I kind of stayed in that loop,  but thankfully got myself out of it.  The second one is if it weren't for you, and this game sounds like blame, but it really looks like powerlessness. If it weren't for my partner, I'd start my business.

[00:04:43] Lori Gouhin: If it weren't for my boss, I'd be further ahead if it weren't for my schedule for my kids, yada, yada, yada. That person shifts the responsibility for their situation to something or someone external, and the payoff is they get to [00:05:00] avoid risk. Failure, confrontation, anything like that by keeping the power outside of themselves.

[00:05:08] Lori Gouhin: And what's really happening is they've decided that they can't, so they find a reason why. Now, if this is you, ask yourself what part of me actually prefers the safety of not trying. Next, number three, we have, now I've got you. USOB. Just as an aside, if you know me, you know I swear a lot and I always have, I'm okay with it, but I do refrain from swearing on the podcast, so that's why I'm saying SOB, but I'm sure you know what that means.

[00:05:40] Lori Gouhin: Anyway, again, it's called, now I've Got You, you SOB, and this one's a bit sneakier. It's when someone quietly collects grievances. Waits for someone to slip up and then basically pounces on them. They act like everything is fine until maybe say you miss a text or you cancel plans, or you say the wrong [00:06:00] thing and then they unload on you.

[00:06:02] Lori Gouhin: And the payoff is moral superiority control in justification to lash out. And what's really happening is the anger was already there. The supposed defense was just the excuse. So if this is you, ask yourself, do I let things build up until I get to be right about being wronged? Next? Number four, we have poor me.

[00:06:27] Lori Gouhin: This one's easier to spot in others than in ourselves. The person is constantly finding themselves in a crisis or a conflict, but never sees their own role in it. They seem helpless. Life just keeps happening to them, and the payoff is attention, sympathy, exemption from responsibility. And what's really happening is victimhood becomes a way to get emotional needs met without having to take any action.

[00:06:57] Lori Gouhin: And this is where manipulation ties in. [00:07:00] Playing the victim can be a form of emotional control, because when someone feels sorry for you, they're less likely to challenge you or expect more from you. So if this is you, ask yourself, am I asking to be supported or to be rescued? And finally we have the wooden leg.

[00:07:19] Lori Gouhin: And this one's a little less known, but it is very powerful. The person uses a limitation, whether it's real or perceived as a way of avoiding something. They say, I can't do that. I've always been that way. I'm too old. I didn't go to school for that. I have anxiety. I'm not wired like that. And now to be clear, acknowledging your reality is valid for sure.

[00:07:44] Lori Gouhin: But using it to avoid even trying, that's different. And what the payoff is, is safety avoidance, reduced expectations. And what's really happening is you're using your story as a shield. If [00:08:00] this is you, ask yourself, where am I letting an old identity become an excuse for things? Now remember, these games don't make you a bad person.

[00:08:09] Lori Gouhin: They make you human. We've all played them at some 0.1, or maybe even all of them at some point, and maybe we still are. In fact, most likely we still are. Some of us learned them early and they became default settings,

[00:08:23] Lori Gouhin: But the good news is they're not permanent. A lot of people stay in these emotional loops because they feel familiar and familiar, can feel like safety even when it's keeping you small and stuck and resentful. So if you find yourself often asking, why do I always end up in situations like this?

[00:08:42] Lori Gouhin: Why do I keep attracting the same type of people? Why do I shut down when something really matters to me? It's not random. It's a script, and if you don't recognize the script, you'll keep acting it out.  So here are a few signs that might indicate that you're in a game, you're feeling emotionally [00:09:00] charged, but you're avoiding saying what you really want or need.

[00:09:03] Lori Gouhin: You are repeating a conversation you've had a dozen times with the same ending. You feel like someone owes you something emotionally, but you haven't said it out loud. You are exhausted by a dynamic that looks different each time, but feels exactly the same. Those are your cues that a game is most likely in progress.

[00:09:24] Lori Gouhin: And the moment that you notice you're trying to manage someone else's reaction or protect your own image, you're not being honest. You're playing a game. And again, this does not make you fake. It makes you human. It means your nervous system has learned to prioritize safety over truth, but you can shift that.

[00:09:42] Lori Gouhin: You don't have to keep doing it just because it's what you've always done. every game has a reward, even if it's dysfunctional, sometimes it's the comfort of not being challenged. Sometimes it's the illusion of being right. Sometimes it's staying small, so you don't have to disappoint anyone.

[00:09:58] Lori Gouhin: So ask [00:10:00] yourself, what do I get to avoid by playing this game? What discomfort would I have to feel if I stopped? Because that's where your power is. Not in pretending the game doesn't exist, but in realizing you can stop playing the moment you see it for what it is. And now that you're aware of the games, what are you going to do with that?

[00:10:20] Lori Gouhin: Because awareness is powerful, but it's only the beginning. If you want to stop defaulting these patterns, you have to decide that staying in the game, it's just not worth the emotional payoff anymore. So here's what you can do. First name the pattern. It sounds obvious, but most people definitely skip this step, and you can't shift what you won't admit is happening.

[00:10:42] Lori Gouhin: You don't need to analyze your entire childhood. You just need to say, I'm running the. Yes, but game right now, I'm blaming someone else because it's easier than making a decision or I'm trying to control how they see me. Instead of being honest. Once you name it, it takes away the power.

[00:10:59] Lori Gouhin: Number [00:11:00] two, interrupt the reaction loop. Most of these games are emotional reflexes, so you've got to interrupt the automatic response. And you can do this with one pause and then replace it in the moment. So instead of saying, yeah, but say, that's interesting. Let me think about it. Instead of avoiding a hard conversation, say, I'm feeling uncomfortable, but I wanna be honest. Or instead of silently blaming your partner, say, here's what I'm needing right now. You don't need to be perfect. It's more about choosing the truth over playing a game in real time. Let go of the payoff, and this is the hardest part.

[00:11:40] Lori Gouhin: You have to be willing to lose the emotional reward. No more sympathy from playing poor me,  no more righteous anger from now. I've got you.  And no more comfort from saying if it weren't for them,  I. That means you're going to have to choose discomfort.  It means letting people [00:12:00] be disappointed.  It means risking not being understood, but it also means finally being free.

[00:12:07] Lori Gouhin: And trust me, freedom is worth it. And number four, ask what would integrity look like right now? And this can be your anchor. Not what will get me liked or what's the easiest way to keep the peace, but what would honesty look like here? What would self-responsibility look like? What would self-respect look like?

[00:12:28] Lori Gouhin: What would it look like to stop playing games and just say the thing? Integrity means you're being truthful. Even if your voice starts to shake. Most of us were never taught how to be emotionally direct. We learned how to be liked. We learned how to be helpful, nice, agreeable, impressive, but honesty.

[00:12:48] Lori Gouhin: That's a whole other skillset. And so if you've recognized a game that you've been playing, that's great. That's step one. Now the work is to stop playing the game and [00:13:00] start showing up as the real you, not the person managing every reaction, not the one trying to get it all right. Just you with your honesty, with your presence.

[00:13:11] Lori Gouhin: With your clarity because when you stop playing games, you finally, not to sound cliche, but you do finally start to live on your own terms. Alright, my friends, so to wrap it up, here's what I want you to take away with you today. Number one, you don't have to keep playing games. Number two, you don't have to keep managing emotions, avoiding honesty or performing a version of yourself that keeps the peace, but costs you your power.

[00:13:38] Lori Gouhin: These games, they might have worked for you once. They might have protected you, helped you feel safe or given you a sense of control, but you know better now. You're here to grow, to lead, to create a life and a self that actually feels like you. So here's a challenge for you this week. Notice the game, name it.

[00:13:58] Lori Gouhin: Don't shame it, and [00:14:00] then ask, what would integrity look like right now? If you wanna take this further, I always say the best place to start is by getting honest, either on paper or with someone who can hold a mirror without judgment. If that's something you want support with, I'm here for it. You can reach out, book a session, or just send me a message to start the conversation.

[00:14:21] Lori Gouhin: And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone else who needs to hear this.