Ep 91 Your Personal User Manual: The Secret Key to Boundaries, Clarity, and Connection

In this episode of The ARTwork of YOU, host Lori Gouhin invites you to stop writing imaginary manuals for others—and finally create one for yourself.

If you’ve ever felt misunderstood, overwhelmed, or stuck in default mode, this episode is your permission slip to pause and ask: What do I actually need to thrive?

Lori reframes the idea of control by showing how writing your own “user manual” isn’t about boxing yourself in—it’s about better supporting your energy, communication style, and personal rhythm. Through stories, practical prompts, and honest reflection, she shows how learning your own settings can be the beginning of real self-leadership.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

➤ Why we silently expect others to meet needs we haven’t voiced
➤ The power of writing a “user manual” for yourself (and how to start)
➤ What it looks like to reboot instead of pushing through
➤ Prompts to uncover how you work best—and what shuts you down
➤ How knowing your operating system can strengthen relationships, work, and well-being

Whether you’re navigating burnout, misalignment, or just craving deeper clarity, this episode offers a powerful invitation to redirect your energy inward—and lead yourself from a place of truth.

Create your manual. Reclaim your settings. Start showing up as the you who’s fully supported.

Thank you for sharing your time with me and remember to show up in your life like the masterpiece you are because YOU are the ARTwork!!!

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Have a fabulous day!

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Transcript

Lori Gouhin: [00:00:00] [00:01:00] Hello, my friends. I am so glad that you are here [00:02:00] with me today because today I wanna talk about something that I've definitely talked about many times before, but today I wanna take it in a totally different direction. And if you've listened to the show before or you know for a while, or if you know me at all, you know that I often say that we write user manuals in our heads for other people.

 About how they should think, behave, communicate, make decisions, respond to us, and just generally be the version of themselves that makes our lives easier. And I believe that idea of the manual comes from Brooke Castillo from the Life Coach School. I didn't make that up, but it's, it's just so true.

And the best part is, is that these other people, they never get a copy. Right. It's the secret, this unspoken manual that no one actually knows that they're even supposed to be following. And when they don't, we get annoyed, disappointed, maybe we silently spiral. And so [00:03:00] usually I'm telling you to toss those imaginary manuals away and just let people be people.

But today I wanna talk about the one manual that you should write. That's the one for you. Because honestly, most of us don't even fully know our own settings. We don't take the time to say, Hmm, here's how I work best. Here's what shuts me down. Here's how to reboot me if I freeze. So that's what we're going to talk about today.

we're creating an unofficial user manual for you. Not to box yourself in or anything like that, but to better understand how to actually support yourself. And so you might be thinking, I even make a user manual for myself. What's the point? Think about it. Most of us spend so much time trying to keep up to show up, to get things done, that we don't stop to ask ourselves what actually helps me function at my best and what quietly will derail me and [00:04:00] throw me off course every single time.

We just power through and then we wonder why we feel off or overwhelmed or disconnected, and a lot of people have no idea. How they work best because they've never asked. They're operating on like default settings and these settings, they're often shaped by other people's expectations.

Maybe your survival strategies or just out of sheer necessity rather than what actually works for you right now at this point in your life. But when you take the time to figure that out, when you get really honest about what supports you, what stresses you, and how you come back to yourself, it really does, without being cliche, change everything because.

Then you're not guessing. You're not waiting for someone else to come in and figure it out for you. You're not constantly wondering why your days feel like a grind or your energy keeps disappearing halfway through the day. [00:05:00] You actually have a reference point, a way to realign when things feel off. It's a way to get clear, clear about yourself, clear with others.

clear with how you actually support your goals, your creativity, your mental health, your relationships, everything really. And if we're being honest, most of us are way better at identifying what other people need to change than we are at owning what we need to do to function well. And you cannot expect people to treat you with more care, then you treat yourself.

So instead of silently hoping others, just get it. Let's start by getting it ourselves. The manual that you're going to create. It's nothing rigid. It's not a rule book. It's a tool for self-awareness, and I think it's one of the most helpful grounding things that you can create. Okay, so I'll share a couple of things in my manual, uh, my unofficial [00:06:00] user manual.

And remember, it's not meant to be perfect, it's just the truth. It's about how I work best, what throws me off, and what helps me get back on track when I'm not feeling like myself. And so. The first one, I work best when I've had quiet time in the morning before anyone talks to me and not in a rude, don't talk to me kind of way, but more like if I have to jump straight into decisions or social interaction.

It's like my brain forgets how to function. Another is I shut down when I'm overwhelmed with too many small tasks. My nervous system, it gets loud. Everything feels urgent, and what usually happens is I end up cleaning the kitchen or something like that instead of doing what's on my to-do list. In other words, I do nothing, nothing that's on the list instead of what I should be doing.

Another thing is I reboot with movement. In other words, a walk, a change of scenery, even five [00:07:00] minutes away from my computer or my phone, can reset me more than just pushing through ever could. Also, I show up best when I believe in the why, and so I don't need someone to convince me. I just need to feel like the thing that I'm doing matters.

I also respond best to clear direct communication. If you know me, you know I am pretty direct and I don't like vague or weird vibes. If something's off, I want you just to say it. I can handle honesty, and what I can't handle is unspoken tension or guessing. And one more I'll share is I love spontaneity, but only when it feels like freedom, not pressure.

And so if you invite me. If you invite me to something last minute, I usually say yes, unless I've already mentally committed to staying home, because in that case I'm probably not going anywhere. But I guess I will also say a lot of times I joke, I can pretty much be talked into anything. I like to persuade [00:08:00] people and I'm very easily persuaded myself and it's funny, but writing these things out is oddly validating because.

How often do we just assume other people should get us when we haven't even clarified it for ourselves? And how often do we beat ourselves up for not operating like someone else when it's just that our wiring is completely different? In this kind of clarity, it helps you to take responsibility for the energy that you bring to your life and your work.

And it also helps you to see patterns like how often you override your own needs in the name of being flexible or helpful or productive. And so now let's walk through how you can build your own manual. How do you actually make. Your own user manual. It's pretty simple and no, you don't need a template or a Canva design or anything like that unless you want one.

Of course, then you can have that, but you can just write it in your notes app or your journal, a sticky note, wherever it's just for you, unless you wanna share [00:09:00] it. And we can talk about that in a minute. But here are a few prompts that I wrote down to help you start. Number one, I work best when. Think about what sets you up for success, maybe the time of day, the environment, the energy level, rou routines, types of communication, whatever comes to your mind.

For example, maybe you work best when you've had time to think before responding or when you are surrounded by quiet, or maybe when you're collaborating with others. There's no right answer. It's only your answer. Number two, I shut down when. And this one's important because it helps you catch yourself before you spiral.

Is it too much noise, constant interruptions, maybe last minute changes, passive aggressive behavior? I think we all probably respond to that. Uh, just be honest about what short circuits your motivation or focus. Number three, you'll get the best of me if, [00:10:00] and this one. Is a great one to share with people in your life.

It might sound something like, you'll get the best of me if I feel trusted or if I don't feel rushed, or maybe if I know that I'm not being micromanaged. Think about what helps you show up fully and what makes you want to withdraw. Number four, when I'm overwhelmed, here's what helps. This is your personal reset button.

As I mentioned, one of mine is just movement, and so what do you need to help you reset? Do you need silence, a walk, a brain dump, a snack movement time alone? It's easy to forget these things in the moment, so write them down for the future you so that it makes it easy to access your own reboot plan, for lack of a better word.

Number five. Here's what I wish more people knew about me, and this one gets a little bit deeper, but it's about being seen. [00:11:00] Maybe it's something like, I care more than I let on, or, I'm not flaky, I'm just overthinking. Or maybe it's, I am not unmotivated. I just need next clear steps. Say the thing you often wish people understood, but that's rarely said out loud.

The beauty of this is that your manual can grow and change. You're not looking,

you're not looking to keep yourself fixated in a certain way. You're just learning how you work and giving yourself permission to operate from that instead of from autopilot or external pressure. And you don't have to write it all at once. You can collect. These prompts over time and add to them. As you notice different patterns, even make a note every time something feels off and you realize, oh, maybe this is one of my settings.

Self-awareness, I would say is a skill and this is a great way to practice it. And so why does any of it actually matter? [00:12:00] Well, because life gets noisy and busy and very fast moving, and when things feel off, we usually go looking for something external to fix it. Maybe a new productivity system or someone else to blame or maybe we choose a different goal, but most of the time the misalignment is internal.

It's not that you are lazy or inconsistent or too sensitive, it's just that you haven't been operating in a way that actually works for you. And when you don't know how you function best, when you ignore your own wiring, your own needs and your own rhythm, that's when you burn out and you check out and maybe you shrink yourself down and you start thinking you are the problem, but you're not the problem.

The problem is trying to run your life on someone else's settings. Creating a user manual for yourself is a way of saying, this is what I need, this is how I work. This is how I come back to myself when I've veered [00:13:00] off course. And it's not just for you. It helps everyone around you. When you know your own tendencies, you can communicate more clearly and set boundaries without guilt, and you can stop expecting people to read your mind and you can also stop reacting,

and you can also stop reading their reactions as rejection, when really it's just a mismatch in your operating systems. This is what creates more aligned relationships and more sustainable habits and more trust in yourself. Most importantly, and no you people, this does not mean that people,

and no, if people don't need to cater to your every setting, that's not what this is about. You can stop abandoning yourself in the name of being easygoing or adaptable or whatever label that you've attached to being low maintenance. You get to say, here's how I thrive, and then you get to [00:14:00] honor it.

That's the power of self-leadership and it starts with awareness. And so to wrap it up, here's what I want you to do. Create your own unofficial user manual. Again, it doesn't have to be long. You can answer just one of the prompts that I had shared, or you can write out all five of them and you can keep it private or you could post it publicly.

It's totally up to you. But I do suggest that you share it with someone in your life, a partner, a friend, maybe your kids or your work team. Imagine how many arguments or misunderstandings could be avoided if we actually knew each other's settings instead of guessing. It could even be, I would say, a fun family activity.

Everyone can write down their own short manual and read it out loud, and I bet you'll learn things you didn't expect, and you'll probably have a good laugh at some things, and you'll definitely get a deeper sense of how to support each other because when you know yourself better, you can support [00:15:00] yourself better.

When you support yourself better, you can show up in your life and in your work and in your relationships and in your goals way more fully. This is one of those small things that ends up having a big ripple effect from my experience. So write your manual and see what comes up, because you know what? If you're already writing manuals in your head for other people, maybe it's time you read it.

Maybe it's time you redirect a little of that energy inward.