Athletic Fortitude Show
Athletes all over the world endure countless mental physical and psychological adversities over the course of their careers. We are here to bring you the solutions to those adversities with some of the top professional athletes, coaches, and sport and performance psychologists around the world!
Athletic Fortitude Show
The Hidden Daily Habits That Separate Winners From Everyone Else - Kevin DeShazo
This episode explores the journey of finding authentic self-worth and overcoming the need for external validation. Kevin DeShazo discusses the importance of embracing failure, reshaping self-talk, and committing to practices that lead to greater personal and professional fulfillment.
• The impact of social media on self-perception
• Seeking validation and its implications for identity
• Redefining failure as a learning opportunity
• Overcoming fear and risk aversion in pursuing goals
• The role of consistent practice and intention in achieving greatness
• Building trust and culture through intentional relationships
• Adjusting priorities to align actions with goals
• The significance of mindset in shaping outcomes
Welcome back to the show, everybody. On today's episode, we have Kevin DeShazo. He's the co-founder of Be Better Leaders. He's a keynote speaker, consultant for top leaders teams on leadership, culture, mindset, high performance. He's an entrepreneur and he's an author, and this episode is brought to you by All Black Everything Performance Energy Drink, the official energy drink of the Athletic Fortitude Podcast, available in available in walmart meyer, in select gnc franchise locations and, on today's episode, kevin de shazo. It's funny, though, how the the discourse on twitter can either be super positive or super negative. I, uh, I had responded to that ryan clark, aaron rogers, beef yeah, yeah and I have.
Speaker 1:I put in like I relative effort, right, I put in like a decent response, basically saying like this is kind of the problem that people have with sports media is like you attack the person, and I tried to explain the way I perceived aaron rogers point of view and how I felt if everybody was just a little more like compassionate towards one another, that there probably wouldn't be this big hatred between being an athlete and in the media. So some people were really cool, like hey, great perspective, like way to be like thorough. And then there was like people telling me I'm an idiot and I'm like wow, I'm like this is my point, though, because people can just be so hateful and negative. Um, but then there's the other side. You know, got me introduced to you and, um, you know, super pumped to get you on, cause you have a ton of, a ton of stuff that I absolutely love.
Speaker 1:Um, you know, but we'll love to to get into it. Um, you know, number one, if you live for their praise, you'll die from their criticism. If you live for their attention, you'll die from their rejection. Stop listening to outside noise. Stop living for the approval and validation of others. Know who you are know what you're about run your race.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so there's and you talked about it for so many athletes and it's not just athletes, it's most people it's like in our DNA we want to be, uh, approved or validated or like. We want to be in the cool kids club. Um, always and it's not an inherently bad thing right To want to be liked, loved, valued, appreciated, like. Obviously those are good things, but when your whole world is is, is that's a driving? Every action, um, action so that you can get that validation from someone who actually has no real power or authority over your life, you end up empty. It doesn't matter what you accomplish, it's never good enough, because there's always going to be somebody who doesn't believe in you, somebody who doesn't value you, somebody who doesn't appreciate you, and so you're constantly looking for the next challenge, right, the next person to prove wrong or to prove right, and we see this a lot with athletes. Right, because and for athletes we talk about, this is the chip on your shoulder, like, go prove the haters wrong, and I get that kind of for a short term mindset, but again, then you always have to find new haters, and at some point it's like, shouldn't I just be running after this thing to figure out what I'm capable of and to use my gifts to the best of my ability and then be at peace with who I am as a person, regardless of the outcome and I think that's where so much of it comes from is when you're chasing the validation, the approval, the acceptance of others, it's because you actually aren't secure and confident in who you are. And when you, when you get to that place you know we work on this with, with leaders and athletes all the time to say I'm secure, I'm confident, I'm humble meaning I know who I am uh, I know that I can always grow and get better. So there's humility. It's like I'm not a finished product. I can always be coached, I can always be held accountable, I can always, always grow, but I'm also confident in what I can do and what I'm capable of. But at the core of it is being secure in your identity, like I don't need to prove myself to anyone, not out of ego, not because I'm better than someone. But to say like who you think I am doesn't change who I am.
Speaker 2:All right, we could get off this podcast and like man, that Kevin guy sucked, okay, like that can that can be your opinion, right and and. But I still get to go live my life. You could get off this, we could go off the podcast, like I mean, that guy was incredible, like what a great, what a great time. Okay, I still have to go live my life and try to try to create the impact that I want, that I want to create. That's same. If I'm given a keynote right, I could have the worst keynote of all time, or I could have the best. I'm going to get on an airplane two hours later and nobody's going to know who I am, no matter what happened in that room. And so I have to be at peace, like every day, saying, whatever the outcomes are, how can I show up and be as intentional as possible to give my best effort and be at peace with who I am as a person?
Speaker 1:Something I had to get better at was that hater piece that you talked about is. I was always kind of the guy who was undersized, under-recruited, and I used to just like relentlessly compete with hate, but it's exhausting.
Speaker 1:And I had a anger management specialist on here a couple of times actually, and we've talked about that, we talked through it. While it can be super great and powerful in the short run, like you said, long run it's not sustainable. That's right. You have to be able to compete through some type of enjoyment, some type of passion, purpose, love for whatever you're doing. And I think that really relates to, and which you know we've talked a little bit about, is like the identity piece of being so rooted and secure in who you are and knowing what exactly aligns in your path and what doesn't, and being able to kind of tune out the rest. And tune out the rest of that noise, yeah a hundred percent and it's.
Speaker 2:You know, I've battled this when I first got into the speaking world and I'm judging myself against all of these speakers and wanting to be as good as they are, or be in that cool kids club, so to speak, of speakers, and it's like that changed how I showed up for an audience, because it actually made it all about me. I want to be the funny guy, the cool speaker, the whatever it's like. Actually, no, I'm there to serve them, not my own ego. And so, to shift your perspective, say no, what is my purpose and how do I, how do my actions align with that purpose in a fulfilling way, To your point, as opposed to an exhausting way. Because otherwise, after every performance, whatever performance means, you know, if you're an athlete, if you're a speaker, if you're a salesperson, if you're a parent, um, you're always judging yourself against a uh, an exhausting uh bar of whatever success looks like that you can ever really reach, Cause it's always the goalpost is always moving.
Speaker 1:And this ties into one of the other tweets I want to follow up with but the opinion piece as well as most people have an opinion about you for 30 seconds. If they even have an opinion of you, most people are too worried about themselves to actually be thinking about you, and so I used to have a severe fear of public speaking. Yeah, and we talked about me speaking of Robin Morse with the football team, and one of the things I kept telling myself is whether or not I give the best speech of my life or the worst speech of my life. Most of these guys are going to forget exactly what I talked about in an hour. And guess what, even if they remember everything I said, in 60 years they're going to die and their opinion they're going to die, and their opinion of me is going to die with them. So go out there trying to deliver as much value in what I'm speaking, the things I've learned, that they can take, and that's what I just kept my focus on.
Speaker 2:That's right, and it's, and you know the reality. We always think, we're always wondering what people are thinking about us. And people aren't thinking about us, like people are so consumed with themselves and their own day and whatever they have to accomplish and do, it's like they're not. They're not thinking about me, they're not thinking about my work, they're not thinking about my talk. They're thinking about their own, their own world, and we get so caught up in that which just just drives anxiety, drives, it's all, all fear, driven-driven. But it just gets into such an unhealthy place. And to your point, to be able to get to a place and it's not a, in my opinion, in my experience, it's not a you don't just get there and you're good, it's like a daily. You're having to battle those things, right. It's not when we talk about people being positive thinking, I'm like most people I know who are positive. Their first thought is still always negative, because we're human and so being resilient, being confident, I mean it's a daily battle against the demons of fear and worry and doubt and anxiety. But to your point to say, yeah, someone, if they have an opinion of me most people, there are a handful of people who know me really well, their opinions, like the people who are actually pouring into my life. I care what they think, because they know me. They have the freedom to hold me accountable If they think I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing, whether that's how I speak to my wife or my kids or whatever it may be they have full permission. But the rest of the world it's like if you don't actually know me, your opinion isn't valid, it's just it's your, you're. You're making a decision based on very limited data and I have to be okay with that. Good or bad, even if someone's like man, this, you're amazing. You don't actually know me and that's and that's like I appreciate it. But like you don't, you don't know who I am or you're terrible. Well, you don't know who I am. You experience a 30-second bit of me or an hour of me.
Speaker 2:It's very limited data. It's like my middle son. So I've got three boys In my middle. They had basketball tryouts a month or so ago and I told them. I said look, the coach is making a decision based on very limited data. Two days of tryouts, which are obviously not, doesn't mean how someone's going to perform in a game. They're going to make some good decisions, some bad decisions, but it's. It's mostly because they're making decisions based off of incomplete data, and that's okay. You have to be at peace with their decision. What good or bad knowing like, hey, they don't, they don't have all the information, um, and so to be consumed by the opinions of others is a, is a uh. It's a dark path to go down.
Speaker 1:Most aren't afraid of failing. They're afraid of what people think of them if they fail, so they play it safe and settle for average. You weren't made for average. You were made for more than that. Instead of being held back by your fears, be fueled by your belief.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had this um aha moment probably two, three months ago. I was driving to Dallas to give a talk on mindset, and so I'm listening to some different podcasts driving down and I'm processing through kind of things I want to talk about. Sometimes I have a very specific plan of what I'm going to talk about. Sometimes I'm figuring it out as I'm walking in the door and kind of going with whatever feels right in that moment, and so I'm on this drive and I had this aha of like wait a minute, what I'm actually doing.
Speaker 2:The actual issue is, people are fueled by fear. Everything everybody does is driven by fear, from the biggest decisions in their life to the smallest interactions. Right, I don't want to hold this person accountable, because what if they get angry and it goes terribly? So I'm just going to be quiet. And so it shows up in the smallest of ways in our lives and it tries to disguise itself as logical or wise or as comfortable, as the easy thing to do, when it's always causing more issues. And so, as I've just been processing that over the last few months, I just realized how small fear keeps people and it just keeps you on this road of getting on this hamster wheel of average. And when I say average, I don't mean I'm not talking about people who don't make a lot of money or famous or quote unquote successful whatever. I just mean people who don't live up to their potential. I don't have the impact they were actually created to have.
Speaker 2:But we get so afraid of failing or disappointing someone or of rejection or sometimes of success, and that just keeps us playing small, when the reality is we fail in our life and we're still here. Right, we've survived every failure. We've overcome every failure. Sometimes it took us longer than we wanted it to. Sometimes our avoidance of that failure made the recovery take longer than it should have. But we fail all the time. And, if you know, when you're a parent it's a weird balance, like you want your kids to fail because you know that's going to make them better, but you're also then trying to protect them from failing, which is making them worse. But we know failure makes people better. You'll hear every speaker, until the end of time, say that failure isn't final right. Failure is part of the process. It's part of growth In our head. We all know that.
Speaker 2:But the thought of failing, the thought of people thinking that we're a failure, the thought of people thinking that we're not good enough, is where is what actually gets us? It's that fear of rejection, the fear of not not being seen as good enough. I had to get over that. My, my second business that I started. First business that I started failed miserably. So then I was like I'm really good at business, I should start another one. And so I started another one and it was failing. So I'm I'm one.
Speaker 2:What took a year and I shut it down? It failed. This one was a year in. It was failing. So I'm two years into failing and I had to get to a point where I was okay if it actually failed and that if it failed, I wasn't a failure as a person. This, this thing failed, this venture failed, this pursuit failed, but that wasn't my identity, right, my identity wasn't wasn't as a failure. And when I finally got to that place which was was not there's a lot of mental wrestling that's when the business actually started to take off, because I wasn't operating out of pressure or fear of it, of it failing. I was operating at hey, whatever happens with this, I know who I am, and so it's for people to realize like you're made for more than than just going through the motions every day.
Speaker 1:It's we are tied to what we have to lose instead of what we potentially have to gain. And the reality is, if I try something and I fail, I'm in the exact same spot I am today, and if I'm okay in surviving, then that's not a bad place to be. That's right. Yeah, you're not going to be worse off. Exactly and I look at it from a failure perspective too is if I'm trying to be analytical and I have to make a decision and I'm looking at downside and upside, okay, well, in the worst case scenario, what can I do to solve to make sure that doesn't happen? Okay, if I can put a game plan together to attack that, then I minimize the possibility of that outcome happening. It may still happen, but it's a game of probability. If I can minimize that and focus on the upside, then I've covered my bases.
Speaker 2:That's right. And to realize, you know when, when fear gets loud, to say like, okay, is that actually true? Or like what's the likelihood of it? Most of the time it's it's a, it's a very low probability. It's like that's, that's the odds of that coming true, very, very low. Sometimes, like no, there's a chance that could happen.
Speaker 2:You know, and and I I might that fear may come true, I may fail at this thing, okay, well, what would cause you to fail at it? What can you do to prevent that from happening? And then you put a plan in place to your point and it it's like you most, most failures, most fears, they get very loud in our, in our minds so that they feel bigger than they are. When you bring them out of the dark into the light, you're like oh, that wasn't a monster under my bed, it was a shoebox with a blanket. Okay, now I brought it to light, now I can deal with it, Now I can see it for what it actually is and deal with it accurately, because I have an accurate perspective of that fear.
Speaker 1:And yeah, it's, just it's it's.
Speaker 2:It's just, I've become fascinated with how we're so afraid of failure and yet we're also generally unhappy with where we are. I'm like, well, there's only, there's only one option. It's it's moving forward. Like you have to do something, you have to take risks. There is, there is, no risk-free path in in growth. It's like you know, if you're an athlete, if you're lifting weights, let's. Let's say, you go into the gym and you're just starting out on bench and you're like I can do a hundred pounds, great. The next week you're like I want to do one 10 and you try to put up one 10. Like I can't do it, okay, go to one oh five. All right, I'm gonna do one oh five for two weeks, three weeks in. Okay, now I'm at one 10.
Speaker 2:Well, you, you failed up until that point. You couldn't do one 10. You were at 125. Before you know it, you're at 250, but you had to fail every single step along that way, because failure just means that you're trying things you haven't done before, which means you're not supposed to be good at them. Right, if you've not done it, you're not supposed to be an expert at this thing. This path that you're just starting out on, you don't. You don't wake up and run a marathon. You train to run a marathon, which means you fail at running a marathon multiple times. Like you're, you're every. Every mile is further than you've gone before, um, and that's, that's the process, and we all know that. But we're, we're the, the, the data driven piece of us and the emotion driven piece of us, um, the emotion tends to win out too often for people.
Speaker 1:Something you said, too, about the unhappiness piece. If you're someone who's unhappy and you're not chasing the things that you want to do or feel that you're capable of doing, what do you have to lose? Because even if you're unhappy chasing those other things, you're still unhappy. So you're either unhappy doing something you hate or unhappy pursuing growth or a challenge or something that you know would be better for you.
Speaker 2:It's at least worth trying. What's a better path? Being unhappy, doing things you hate every day, or at least trying and then figuring out, too on that path, what actually even is happiness. It's not an accomplishment. It's like you can win the Heisman. That's a fun moment, um, but that you know that success goes away. Now you'll be talked about as a heisman winner forever.
Speaker 2:But again, if that's your identity, like that can't make you um, that's not lasting happiness, right, outcomes can't, can never be um. What drives our happiness? They're good things, right. Obviously those, those goals are good to have, and business success or life success, like those are great things. But if you can't figure out a way to be happy where you are, with what you have, you're never going to be happy with more, and that's, I think, such a thing people miss so often.
Speaker 2:Well, if I just had more money, if I just had more of this? No, I was talking to a leader recently who's their company's going through some difficulties, and I was talking to him. I said you know, this is, this is when everyone thinks they want to be a leader, until they have to be in these situations making very, very difficult decisions that impact people's lives. Right, every, every decision a leader makes is a team or organization decision, right, so it's impacting every single person and if you're a company, it's impacting their families. I said everyone wants to be a leader until until it's hard, until these moments, he said. He said, yeah, he goes, but the problem is it's always hard, he goes. The last four years, we've grown 20% year over year. He goes. That was hard, right. So it's always hard, whether whether you're growing or struggling, but it's it's figuring out how can I be happy, regardless of circumstance.
Speaker 1:I don't mean to be the champion of the Aaron Rogers fan club today because I know we talked about him a little bit, but if you haven't watched the documentary it gives you a little more insight of who he is. And the one point that you made, you know, winning a Heisman, it's a great moment. He talked about when he won the Superbowl. That was all he cared about his whole life. He said, you know, from the beginning he's felt he's had a void in his life forever and he thought the Superbowl would fill it.
Speaker 1:And he said pretty quickly after he wins the Superbowl, he's like now what he's like, I'm still unhappy. He's like I got everything I've worked for my whole life and he's like I can't have football be my whole identity and that's, you know, progress into what's happened over the last you know whatever 13 years at this point. But that point is so true in so many of us is we feel we have this void and we look at accomplishment or achievement as that filler of that void until we realize it's not Happiness. It's like trying to eat one meal and be full the rest of your life. It just doesn't work that way and I think we need to re-characterize our perception of what happiness is.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. And Billy Donovan when he was coaching Florida they won back-to-back national titles and he goes. That was as depressed as I've ever been. He's like I think he was like 35-ish around the time he's a younger coach. He's like I'm at the mountaintop, Now what? Like this is it Like this is as good as it gets? And I'm as unhappy as I've ever been.
Speaker 2:And because in sports it's true in a lot of industries, I think, maybe even more so in sports because you are constantly chasing that mountaintop, that gold ball, that trophy, and then you get it. And it's like now what? Because it's such a wins and losses are gauged by wins and losses, and it's such an outcome-driven sport. And so the challenge is like how do I be at peace in an outcome driven industry? Because if you don't win the championship, that doesn't mean you had a failure of a year, that doesn't mean you like, maybe it does All right, there's, there's so many different factors at play, but but if winning is the ultimate thing, what do you do when you get that thing? What are you about then? And so if the drive is like, I want to figure out what's possible, If I want to figure out what I'm capable of. I want to figure out what my potential is. Well then, winning is just part of that journey. It's like, yep, we figured out what we were capable of this year, but now we have another year to go figure out what we're capable of. If we win the trophy, great.
Speaker 2:But so we, you know, we judge it a lot off of potential versus performance. If your potential is an eight but you performed at a seven or a six or five, Okay, Then let's have a conversation. But if your potential was a five win season and you had a five win season, like your performance was five wins, like you actually reached your potential that season because of a number of factors could be talent, could be be injuries, could be so many different things. But to figure out, what am I actually running after? And and the person who has the competitive advantage is the person who is at peace, regardless of the outcome, because they. Another idea we talk about with with athletes a lot lately is this idea of commitment versus contentment. So there's this idea of you know, if we're working with a golfer, we want them to be a hundred percent committed to the shot that they're standing over, no matter the outcome, whatever happens, but then to also say okay, all right, my internet, but I think my internet went down.
Speaker 2:My bad, are we back? I got you back, okay, um, I can I hopefully Riverside still records that, but we'll see, um, but I'll, I'll kind of reset that. But so there's this idea we talk about a lot with athletes and and, um, lately a lot with golfers of being committed versus content. And so, if you're a golfer, to be standing over a shot a hundred percent committed to the shot in front of you, or if it's on the, on the driving range, in practice, so you are a hundred percent committed to your craft, to whatever the task is in front of you, but also being a hundred percent content with who you are, whatever happens with that shot, whatever happens with that tournament, whatever the outcome is. And for most athletes, um, you think michael jordan, you think kobe, you think most of the greats um, they were very, very committed but not content.
Speaker 2:And there was an unbalance there. Their winning was never enough. I mean, you watch the Last Dance documentary. Michael Jordan is still not at peace with really anything in his life. Extremely committed, very, very much not content. And so there's an unbalance there because you, if you, if you, you win and die. Or you, you, um, live and die by the outcome. And so if you win, it's never good enough because you feel the pressure. Now I got to do it again. If you lose, you see these coaches like they're just unhealthy for three months after the season Cause they're just dying based on what happened. They lost. The season didn't go the way they wanted to, and so now they're desperate to fix it. And it's not just because they're competitive, it's because they're not content with who they are as a person. So you look at a guy like Scotty Scheffler when he's on the course or Steph Curry when they're on the court. They're 100% committed to their craft, to doing whatever they have to do to be the best at what's in front of them no-transcript.
Speaker 1:It doesn't happen overnight. Greatness requires showing up with intentionality each day, when nobody notices, when it's hard, when you don't feel like it. I think we all love the idea of being great at whatever it is that we do.
Speaker 2:Professionally, personally, physically, mentally. Do you want to be great? Absolutely Okay. Well, here's what it requires. I don't know, I'd like to sleep in a little bit tomorrow. It's a little cold. I don't know if I want to run when it's cold and my boss isn't watching. I don't need to be there early, like the boss isn't there yet. I don't need to be there early. I don't need to be there early, I don't. I don't boss left at four, I don't need to stay late and get extra work done.
Speaker 2:And so we, we are so driven by comfort and convenience, and I think the American dream is actually the pursuit of comfort. Right, we want to. We want to remove any hardship, any adversity, any inconvenience from our life. And then we wonder why we can't handle any adversity, any hardship, any inconvenience, because we try to remove any of it. And so to say, you know, one of my favorite videos is a few years ago and it was Steph Curry in the gym alone, just shooting threes over and over and over and over and over and over and over. I'm like he doesn't become the greatest shooter in history on accident. He doesn't become the greatest shooter in history by showing up on game day or by just going to practice. Whenever practice happens, he becomes the greatest shooter in history by saying I'm going to wake up every day and get X amount of shots in when nobody's watching, when it's not convenient, when my teammates are asleep, when my family's asleep, when I can be doing other things, when I can be relaxing, when I have so many other options. This is what's required for me to be great. And if this is what's required, then I'm going to do what's required. And it's not sexy, it's not fun, it's not convenient. Very rarely is somebody going to be watching you or giving you credit for it. And so it's saying how bad do you actually want it? How bad do you actually want the thing that you say you want? We always challenge people. You show me your bank account and show me your calendar. I'll show you what you actually value. You can tell me what you value, but you show me where you spend your time and where you spend your money. I'm going to know what you're actually about. And no judgment. It's just. It's just the truth. That's the data. Data doesn't lie. If you're about getting better, if you're about being great, then you're going to put in the time time not when you want to, but when you, when, it's what's required every single day.
Speaker 2:So, like I don't um, I mean, I enjoy working out. Like I've not been a consistent, like a discipline is not my. I thought for years discipline was just a natural, like a personality thing for people, I've realized that it's a skill that people develop and it was not a skill that I had for for most of my life. I'm scattered, not not good with details, lack focus. But a few years ago, like I decided to be committed to being healthy. Like I've got three kids, I want to be around for the longterm. I want to be able to run around and play with them and their grandkids. I want to be able to do the work that we do for as long as I possibly can. So it's like I've got to be. I've got to be healthy now, or start preparing now to be healthy then, because I don't want to be 70. I wish I would have at 40. And so it's that long-term vision.
Speaker 2:And so I've missed two days of working out out of I don't know what day it is of the year, december 19th, but 340-ish.
Speaker 2:I don't know where we are, but I've missed two this year through travel, through vacations, through whatever, and it's not fun, it's not sexy, but I get up every morning at five o'clock Cause that's that's for for for my plan, for what I'm trying to get, like that's what's required. Um, and people like don't you want, don't you like to sleep in? I love to sleep in, but that doesn't fit with my goal. And if, and I don't, and I have systems to hold me accountable because I'm not going to, I'm not going to accidentally do those things. I'm not going to accidentally be healthy, I'm not going to accidentally be a good dad or a good husband or a good business person. I have to think what do I want and what does that actually require of me? And how can I organize my, my days and my life to where that becomes the default? Because if it's, if I have a choice, I'm not going to do it. So I've got to figure out a way to where I don't. I don't have a choice.
Speaker 1:I was talking with an athlete earlier today that I'm mentoring and we were talking about setting priorities, and then I added the caveat. I was like this is what we say. I was like in order to hold ourselves accountable, we have to be incredibly descriptive in how we beat these. I was like but our actions are going to tell us what our real priorities are. I was like, in that key part that you said is the lack of judgment. We're not judging, it's just. This is the reality. So when our actions say something other than what our words are, we either change our words or change our actions, and it's okay just as long as we get those aligned, because the discontentment happens when those two aren't aligned. If we're saying we want to achieve one thing but our actions aren't going there, major contentment's happening. There has to be equilibrium.
Speaker 2:That's right, and you have to decide to your point do you actually want that goal? Because if you don't, then adjust your expectations for life Say, hey, I don't actually want that, okay, great. Again, zero judgment. Your goals are your goals. You want what you want, but stop saying you want this if you're not actually going to do it. So you either have to adjust your goals or adjust your effort and adjust your actions, because there has to be alignment with those things, otherwise you're never going to be at peace with who you are.
Speaker 2:And so many people say they want certain goals because they feel like they're supposed to like no, no, no, your goals get to be your goals. Like if you don't want to be healthy, great. Don't. Don't keep saying you want to be healthy or a good leader or a starter or whatever. You know, I always tell my kids I'm like you're going to get good at what you practice, like if, but don't be mad that you're not getting better at basketball.
Speaker 2:If you spent more time on video, more time on video games or texting your friends, than you did in the driveway practicing basketball. You've got to be honest with what your priorities are. Now. If you're okay not starting, great, just don't complain about it. Don't complain about those things. Be like no, I'm good being a role player, just being a great teammate If I don't want to put in the extra work, awesome, every team needs role players. Just don't act like you're not getting something or that you're entitled to something when you're not putting in the work for those things. So you have to, to your point, find that alignment and adjust, otherwise it's never going to work out.
Speaker 1:Culture is revealed in big moments, but is built in the small daily interactions, decisions, words and actions. When you're intentional in the small moments, you won't need to worry about the big moments. Show up on purpose, yeah.
Speaker 2:I think coaches, or anybody really we think you know, if you get to the final drive right, two minute warning. You've got a team driving down the field, pressures on and they'd be like, oh, this is, this is where you know they, they build culture. No, this is where it's revealed. This is like this is where teams have to trust each other. Yeah, they only trust each other then if they've done the work beforehand to build trust, if they've been relational and intentional with those players in small moments, whether walking through the hallway in the film room when they're not in the facility, texting them like hey, are you good? Hey, good effort today, love the attitude.
Speaker 2:If you're not building those habits of connection, of trust, of confidence when you're not on the field, you're just hoping for it on the field. You don't again walk up to a plate like I'm gonna hit a home run this time. Hope, hope I don't screw this up, hope I don't throw an interception. It's like no, no, and you still might, no matter how prepared you are, things, things happen. But if you're walking up hoping that your team trusts each other in that moment, hoping that you're prepared for that moment, you've done something terribly wrong, which means you you've not actually invested in your people and your culture and your influence throughout the course of the season and the off season. And so it's. It's so fascinating watching watching coaches who build culture really well and coaches who talk about culture because they think like if we just talk about our values every day, we're going to live those values.
Speaker 2:I'm like no, your, your players know when those are just talking points. They know when those are just opinions If those values aren't tied to specific daily actions. People aren't dumb. Your players know when you're faking it and so you can't expect them to live it if you're faking it. But when they hear you talk about relationship and family first and all these things, and then they see you check in with them. I mean how you doing you good, how's class, how's your family, how's your girlfriend, do you need anything?
Speaker 2:And not talking about sport, not talking about anything other than life, if you never have those conversations with them, they're not going to trust you. That doesn't mean they don't like you. It doesn't mean they don't like you. It doesn't mean they don't respect you. But trust happens in in relation, relationship, right. Leadership is relational influence. They don't care how much you know about, about your sport, what you've won, like that that is nice, but I'm going to, I'm going to actually give my everything for you. When I think that you're for me, when I know that you're for me and you've invested in me and you valued me, then let's go. And so trust is built before you need it. Right, culture is built before you need it. And so when you see teams fall apart, in those moments like yeah, their culture didn't break down, that is their culture. You know, their culture is one of distrust.
Speaker 1:Something about in-game preparation as well that I think is really important. So I did some color commentary this year for some college football and I was calling a game that was a blowout by halftime, like 42 to 14. And play-by-play was like why aren't they just kneeling the clock out and kind of going to halftime with this huge lead? And my response was you have to think about it from the perspective as a coach. When you're going through a season, there's only so many two-minute drills that you're going to get to execute and run on, particularly in-game. So whether or not this is 42-14 or 7-7, you have to get yourself the reps and the practice Because then when you're actually in a game where that two-minute drill matters, you've done it before, you've simulated it and you've run it and executed it at a high level.
Speaker 1:And I think something that's interesting is listen to any former Patriots player talk about Bill Belichick and Tom Brady and their preparation. That's where, in my opinion, like you're articulating, that's where culture comes from from a preparation standpoint, when you see the two at the top of the world or top of the organization just unbelievably meticulous in their details. I could listen to Julian Edelman's podcast when he talks about those guys all day long. I could listen to Tom Brady and Bill Belichick talk football all day long, because you just see the execution and the preparation that they had every single day. Yep.
Speaker 2:And then coaches wonder why they don't have that? Because you don't prepare that way. And not that you have to copy a copycat like do everything exactly as they did it. Like if you're just showing up and going to practice and never interacting with your players, never studying game tape, never having conversations about what to do here and here, it doesn't matter how much you know about the sport, it doesn't matter what you've done.
Speaker 2:People see your preparation and your preparation is revealed Now. You can, to your point, be up 42-14 against a weaker team. That doesn't mean you had a good game, it doesn't mean you executed well. You could just be going against a team that has far inferior talent and, to your point, if you're not being intentional with those reps in that game. You got that two minute drill. It's one thing to do it in practice, but to put it actually on game tape, no matter who the opponent is. That that gives confidence so you can show hey, the next time we're in this situation, we do this, this and this.
Speaker 2:But the lack of preparation, it's it's not just the sport piece which is obviously a massive competitive advantage knowing exactly what your opponent's going to do in these situations, knowing exactly what their tells are for certain positions Like that's, that's it that you don't get those just by playing the game a long time. You get that by watching a lot of film and being relentless in your preparation. But the same is true in preparing with relationships and preparing for culture and preparing for resilience and mindset. You have to treat those things as skills, just as you would being in the weight room or watching film or getting physical reps in. You have to treat culture reps the same way limiting beliefs I'm not good enough.
Speaker 1:I can't do it. I'll fail. I don't deserve it. Empowering beliefs I have what it takes. I am good enough, I am worth it. I will do it. Thoughts shape actions. Believe better about yourself. Talk better to yourself. Call yourself up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think everything hinges on the way that you feel about yourself or the way that you believe about yourself. If you think that you're not good enough, you're right, and not that you're not actually good enough. But your actions are going to follow that thought pattern and that's going to play itself out to be true, which just reinforces those limiting beliefs. And it's not about ego, it's not about you know, I'm not positive self-talk and positive self-image. It's not about thinking that you're something that you're not right. It's like I'm. It's not me saying, you know, we talk about visualization a lot with, with athletes, with leaders, and and like, oh, you mean like saying I'm gonna be a millionaire, like no, no, it's not saying you're gonna go have a 10 million dollar business or drive a ferrari or what like. No, it's. It's having it, having a picture of who you are at your best and how you think and how you operate and the way that you communicate. It's like wait, I'm actually capable of that, and and and. The truth is, I was actually created to operate that way, like we were created to operate at our peak. It's our job to believe that and then go, go live that out and figure out what's what's possible. And so we we talk a lot about mindset, with, with, with people, and you know the way that you talk to yourself. It directly impacts your actions, which obviously impact your outcomes. And so if, if you take two people and this person every morning is like man, I suck, I don't know if I have what it takes, I don't think I'm good enough, I don't, this isn't going to work out, and you take this person's like man, I'm going to go have a great day, I'm going to figure out what's possible, I'm going to give my best. I know that I've got what it takes. Um, even if I fall short, I know that I can figure out solutions and find a way forward. Watch those two people. They're going to have very different days, even if they encounter the exact same thing and have the exact same potential and skillset. They're going to have two very different days. And it does have zero to do with their talent or their ability. It has everything to do with the way that they think and specifically, the way they think about themselves. And so, talking about this idea of self-talk, I was I watched a clip of a podcast one time. I wish I remembered who it was.
Speaker 2:Somebody was talking to a psychologist and she's like, yeah, self, like that stuff doesn't, doesn't work, but that's just weird, you know snake oil salesman type stuff, right. And the psychologist was like, no, like it, 100 is real and works. And lady's like, what, what are you talking about? She goes it doesn't work for you because you don't think it works for you. She goes you've already decided it doesn't work. And she goes that that's, that's proof that it that it is. And the lady was like she didn't know what to do with that. Cause she was like that's, yeah, that that makes sense. And so, cause we think self-talk is like I'm blanking on the guy's name, it's like old Saturday night live character, stuart Smalley. It's like I'm, I'm handsome, I'm kind and gosh, darn it.
Speaker 2:People like saying weird things in the mirror, but it is talking better to yourself. You should be your best coach. You should, you should really like yourself and again, it's not an ego thing, but you should be at peace with who you are and confident with who you are, and that doesn't mean ignoring weaknesses, but you ought to live out of out of your confidence. And so part of you know part of my morning routine every morning. It's like I've got a list of I am statements Like I am this, I am this, I am this because if I don't do that, the negative thoughts that come in and the doubts that come in and the fears that come in and the demons that come in like those, are going to win the day. And so if I don't fight that battle, I know the path that I'm going to go down. And so for people to like actually talk better to themselves and, on a physical level, rewires your brain right.
Speaker 2:We think of it this way Like our family likes to go hiking. Well, most of us my 13 year old we're like 50 yards in. He's like are we done? I'm like, dude, we can still see the car. Like what, what are we doing? But when we're going to go hiking, right, we're either going to get an app or we're at the trailhead and it shows us all these different options. Like, okay, we's going to end there and we know that because a thousand people have taken that trail and ended up in the same spot. If we want to end up somewhere else, we got to. We got to find a different path.
Speaker 2:Every time you are driven by fear or negative self-talk, you're just going down that same path, leading to the same outcome of limited effort, limited action, playing it safe, being driven by fear.
Speaker 2:And we've gotten really good at that because we practice it right. Again, you get good at what you practice. Most people practice being negative, most people practice living out of fear, and so we walk down that path every day. So we've just established that trail and we always end up in the same destinations, like, well, if I want to get somewhere different in my day, in my life, in my outcomes, I've got to take a different path. I've got to take a different path. I've got to find a different trail, which means I have to have different thoughts in order to go down that trail. And I've got to practice those thoughts until they become my norm. And people think like you, you do self-talk, like one time, like oh, I'm positive, I'm confident, like all right, I'm good, but no, no, no, you've got to do it every day, cause you've been doing the negative every day for 40 years. Now you've got to do the positive every day to start to rewire your brain, to get to better places.
Speaker 1:It's the internal dialogue and it's not that you're creating a false reality. It's you're bringing a future reality to the present and it's that voice in your head. And if you compare the enhancing beliefs with action, you're going to be a tough SOB to beat. That's right, because action follows belief in that. Belief has to come from the communication in your mind and then, when you can reinvigorate that action and belief, it's you begin to pick up a snowball that's hard to stop. That's right.
Speaker 2:And people. They'll say, like well, that's just for different people, Like that's for because they'll compare themselves to like a David Goggins. It's like, well, he's just different. Yeah, because he chose to be, because he used to be one of us. Yeah, like he used to be at the bottom of the barrel and he chose to decide to think different. Now, people to decide to think different. Now, people don't have to obviously go down his exact path. There's some craziness there, but it works for him. But to say like no, he was at the bottom of the barrel, he chose to think differently and look who he's become, purely because he was always capable of these things. He never would have done it had he not started to change the way that he thought and talked to himself. And so the same for us to figure out.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter where you're starting. It's like what, what? What path do you want to go down? Like we have a choice every day. Do we want to figure out what's possible and unleash our potential and run after purpose, or do you want to be really dissatisfied and frustrated and and and limited in your actions and your outcome? It's like you, we have a choice.
Speaker 2:And and what people don't realize is weird as it. Like nobody's making, nobody gets to make that choice for you. Like we have to make that choice every day. We think that our, our circumstances or our boss or family or passing no, no, no, no. You are a hundred percent responsible. Like nobody has, has that power over your life, for the way that you choose. It doesn't matter what your job is, it's how you show up at that job. It doesn't matter about your relationships, it's how you show up in those relationships. You have the power to change those things. But then people think, yeah, that's great, but like, I did it for a week and nothing changed. Well, you didn't get unhealthy in a week. You're not going to get healthy in a week. You didn't get to this place where you're in overnight. It was years and years and years. It's going to take time.
Speaker 2:But the question is like are you the question I always ask leaders or teams like are you moving in the right direction? Right, how are you trending? Don't worry about the outcome yet. But if you keep doing the things that you're doing, where are you going to be in a year? Closer to where you want to be or further away from where you want to be. Forget about the outcome piece. Just, are you moving in the right direction?
Speaker 2:If that can be the goal every day, take actions to move in the right direction, then then you start to celebrate that progress and you live, as a great book called the gap in the game and then you live out of the game, right. So the so the gain is saying I'm starting here. So gap and gain both. We start here, we have goals and you get halfway. Let's say again you want to run a marathon, you're 10 miles in. To live in the gap.
Speaker 2:It's like I mean I've still got 16 miles to go, I don't know if I can finish this. That's too far. And so you get frustrated and your effort starts to dwindle because you lose confidence. You lose momentum because you're looking at how far you have left to go, to live in the gains. Like, I've already nailed 10 miles, I've only got six. If I can do these 10, I can do these 60. Look at how far I've already come, look at what I've already accomplished. That gives you the confidence and motivation and energy to finish and to keep going. And so to live in, live in the game, always comparing yourself to where you've come from, not to where you're trying to be.
Speaker 1:Living a higher standard offends people. Pursuing greatness offends people. Avoiding mediocrity offends people. Pursuing greatness offends people. Avoiding mediocrity offends people. That's okay. Mediocre people don't like high achievers and high achievers don't like mediocre people. Reject average.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that famous Nick Saban quote, and it's so fascinating. You know, if you're on a team setting and you're trying to do more because you have goals, you're trying to figure out what's possible for you, and so you're in the weight room extra, you're watching extra film, you're going to bed early, you're whatever. Maybe you're in a company and you're staying late to work. You're taking on new projects. People are like man, what's your deal? Who are you trying to impress? Because you're making people who are, who are okay with average. Now you're a threat to them, right? If you're pursuing your potential, you're always a threat to people who were just trying to to, to skate by, to live the status quo, and so they're always going to try to tear you down, to make you look worse for doing more, for trying to be, for caring more, for giving more effort and cause they want. They want you back down to their level, cause if you're on their level, you're not a threat to them anymore. But if you're actually trying to figure out what you can accomplish and what's possible for you now, you're a threat to everyone around, which is most people. Um, you're a threat to everybody who's just trying to go through the motions and so to realize, like one, they don't have to, they don't have to be on your path, they don't have to, they don't have to be on your path, they don't have to approve your path. This is the direction you're going. Commit to that, doesn't matter what they think, and when you can do that in a, in a secure way, what you one you're going to, you're going to weed out people who are threatened by that, which is great, like my.
Speaker 2:One of my sons was on a baseball team recently, I guess a couple of years years ago, and they'd lost a couple games and they had a middle of a season that wasn't school team, it was a travel ball team. But a couple kids quit and I told them good, you don't want losers on your team. And not that they were bad people, they were, you know, 14 years old but like they don't want to put in the work of getting better, they don't want, they're not willing to struggle, they're not willing to figure out what's possible, they want everything to be easy and handed to them. That's not what you want to be around, and so the same if you're on your path, like, you don't want to be around people who are, who are settling forever. So you, you going after it. You're going to weed out some of those people, but what you'll find is that you're going to attract it.
Speaker 2:It was like, wait a minute, he's different and she's going after something. What? What's her deal? I want some of that Cause like cause. Not only are you going after it, you're at peace and you're making a difference and good things are happening. Oh, they're just lucky. No, they're not lucky. They're working for everything they're getting, they're having good outcomes, they're getting promoted, they're having success, they're they're producing on the field and their sport and their career, whatever, because they care. They care enough to do, to do more, to do what's required to do those things. And greatness attracts people who actually want that right. And so you end up and it's a smaller community, right, there's not gonna be a lot of people who want to be on that path, but you're going to attract people who want to be on that path, and now you're surrounded by people who are going to challenge you, push you and then you figure out what's really possible.
Speaker 1:It's that path. It starts as jealousy, hatred and mockery. Then it becomes luck, luck. Then it becomes they're different and then it becomes oh, I always knew they'd be successful. That's right and I absolutely love and I try and in my own life, try and be that person. That's different. If everybody agrees with you, if everybody likes you, if everybody isn't aligned you you're probably not pushing yourself to your own boundary. You're probably not at the top end of your potential.
Speaker 2:That's right and I think we have to get past this place. Um, you don't have to be liked by everyone and that's not freedom to be a jerk to people. Like, obviously, treat people well and and and be respectful. Like I'm not for everyone, and that's a hard that took a long time for me to get to because, like I am a people pleaser, I'm a people person, like my personality, like I want to be liked, I want everyone to be around, let's be on the same page, having fun. But to say no, I'm actually committed to this path.
Speaker 2:People are going to be offended by that. They're going to be offended by that. They're going to judge that, they're going to question that and you have to be okay with that. Say no, they don't, they don't have to agree with or like what I'm doing because they're not on my journey, they're not on my path. So, like my path isn't for them, it's, it's for me. I'm not here to judge your path. Like you, you do. You, I'm going to, I'm going to be able to run that race again, to be, be secure in that, to be confident in that, um, because great it's.
Speaker 2:It's this weird thing of like to be great and again, that doesn't mean famous or whatever, but to, to, to run, to live life on purpose and to be intentional is for everyone, but it's not for everyone. Uh, and it's like I don't, I don't, I don't need their approval to run after my potential. Hey, if you want to be on this journey with me, let's go. I'd love you to be on it. And what's what's fascinating is you'll find people who live that way, people who actually care, who show up on purpose, who are running after their goals in every aspect of their life, with, with purpose and intentionality.
Speaker 2:Like they don't judge other people who are doing that, cause like no, I know what that takes. I'm not, I'm not going to judge their journey, because I know they're going after it. Right, they're, they're doing something different. I don't. I don't may not understand it or agree with it, but I know I know the path they're on, cause I'm on the same path of trying to figure out what's possible for me. People who are in the arena. Don't judge people who are in the arena.
Speaker 1:It's so hard, particularly when you lose old friends or you have the concern of losing old friends. A lot of that's built up in your mind too. In my own experience recently, I was supposed to go to a bachelor weekend. I'm not a drinker. I'm not a partier that segment of my friends are so I knew that's going to be a big part of what they were going to do. Are so I knew that's going to be a big part of what they were going to do. We were going.
Speaker 1:It was supposed to go to the Steelers Eagles games hate both teams, even though I'm from Pittsburgh and I just knew how much work I had to do. I knew I had a number of podcasts, recordings coming up that I had to prep for. I knew that I had to put together a mentorship program for a bunch of NFL combine and pro day training athletes coming up here, you know a week or two, and I just didn't have the time to sacrifice to go be there and I was so concerned I'm like, ah, my friend's going to hate me. You know I don't want him to think I'm selfish. Um, but this is what I have to do. This is what my goals are. This is the commitment level it takes, yep, and he ended up being super understanding.
Speaker 1:But it's that fear and concern of not being liked or losing friends when in reality the truth is, even if he did hate me for it and never wanted to speak to me again, that's okay because he doesn't understand and he's not aligned with with my path, whereas that's right In the reverse. If I was in that situation, I would totally understand. I bet I get it. You have to do what you have to do right now. We're we're young. In 20 years We'll go, we'll go on a trip somewhere. That's right.
Speaker 2:That's right. Well, cause you won, and not to be super negative, like that reveals the kind of friend they are right they're going to be so, so offended by that, because, again, we should always be cheering people on who are running after purpose and to realize, like that costs something. I guess it's, and that's where people aren't willing to make a sacrifice. You had to sacrifice something that you wanted to do. No, not necessarily you weren't super excited about most of the activities, but it's like so have been. My friends would have been a good time, but this path I'm on actually requires that I say no to a good thing. To actually do this thing, it requires sacrifice and most people want all of it. And there's this lie like you know, you can have all of it. No, you can't. You have to make sacrifices and and there are certain things that are worth sacrificing, certain things that are not worth sacrificing but it, it, you don't. You don't unlock your potential. Working 40 hours a week and an eight to five job, it's just, it's just not. It's just not how it works early on, like it takes more. Now you can get to a point later on in life, like you can. You can rest a little bit Um when you, when you built up some things and you've got systems and it's all running. But you look at any successful leader business, whatever early on, it took more, it required sacrifice and that cost them things, it cost them friendships, it cost them all sorts of different things. But to say that's okay because what I'm chasing is actually bigger and better and more fulfilling, it's not a negative against any people or whatever in life, it's just saying I have to go all in on this thing for X amount of time.
Speaker 2:I had a mentor one time said if you're not willing to give three to five full years to something, don't do it. He's like you don't actually care about it. If you're not willing to sacrifice, like deep sacrifice for three to five years and I think the internet, you know now it kind of speeds, speeds things up, maybe shortens that timeframe but like if you're not willing to sacrifice for it, you don't actually care about it. Which is why most people you know entrepreneurship has become so sexy. I'm like it's not sexy.
Speaker 2:It is not for most people. Most people should just go get a normal job and that's great and that's great Like work hard, be honorable, take care of your family, like most people need to just go go have normal jobs and become the best they possibly can at whatever that that field is, and add value, because to, to, to create your own thing One, you start out, you are marketing, you are sales, you are accounting, you are HR, you are, you are everything, and and it's it's live or die for a while, and and it's it's live or die for a while, and and it's, most people aren't made for it and that's okay. But but if, if you are and you're like no, I'm going for it, there's, there is an immense amount of sacrifice that most people deeply underestimate and aren't actually willing to commit to.
Speaker 1:I can't thank you enough for for coming on today. It means a lot. I know this time of year, our time is valuable, so thank you for coming on If people want to reach out to you. If there's anything that you're working on that you want to promote, please let us know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you can find me everywhere at Kevin DeShazo, on any platform. Books are out there. Social media is probably the easiest place to find if you want to connect. Always, always, love having conversations on leadership, performance, mindset, all those things. So, and I appreciate you having me on love the conversation.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, kevin DeShazo, um listeners, thank you for tuning in. Uh, tune in next week, like the podcast. Download the podcast. Go subscribe to our YouTube channel. Check us out at athletic42.com. Five stars only baby.