E22| Breaking the Trust Barrier #TeamworkTuesday

What is the point where trust is earned or lost? What are the elements of a relationship that makes it trustworthy and how do we build more trust with those we lead?

This week on our #TeamWorkTuesday episode on Getting to Unstuck, we are talking about community, relationships, and trust in the teams we lead and work with.

Getting to Unstuck is a live podcast hosted by Christal Duncan, Colin Kingsmill, and Carol Vickers from Whole Human Coaching. Find out more about how we work and the kinds of people we work with AND take the Whole Humand Wheel of Life Score at https://wholehumancoaching.com

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Transcript

Breaking the Trust Barrier

Carol Vickers: [00:00:00] Good morning. Hello. 

Christal Duncan: Hello. Happy almost Valentine's Day. In the Dominican Republic, they call it the day of friendship, love and friendship. And I think that's what it is in Spanish in general. I like that. That's a nice, it's a nice way to position it. And speaking of Love and friendship and all things good this month.

We are talking about community and relationships. So first of all, welcome to getting to unstuck. We are the team at whole human coaching, and we are here every Tuesday. We're talking about teamwork. And in particular, we're talking about. Us as [00:01:00] leaders and how we function in teams. And what are the elements that build healthy teams and help people feel safe and like it's an accountable space.

And before we get started, I want to let you know a really exciting announcement that we have. We have our first live workshop and it's going to be coming up on February 29th. I think that makes it especially lucky and poignant because it's on a leap year. 11 o'clock Eastern standard time. So we'll let you do all those.

But you'll be able to find the information on our site today about how you can sign up. It's 90 minutes and it's interactive this time. It's free and we invite you to spaces are limited. We are literally limiting spaces. So if you think that that's something that you would like to, to be a part of, it's going to, we're going to be talking about the art, not just the art of coaching, but that the future is about whole human connection.

And Carol, do you want to? Give a 30 second blurb about what we're going to be talking about during. 

Carol Vickers: We're going to take a look [00:02:00] at it as what would what are the tools that you need as a leader in this world of art of in building a business that has incorporates the issues of or. pillars of communication and connection.

So one of the key pieces to that is how to communicate as a leader. So this will be a really quick intro into the world of coaching as a leader. And one, some of the tools and techniques that you can take right away, we promise by the end of the workshop, you will have a couple of pieces in your pocket that you can use in your next interaction with a human being.

So there will be clearly some some real. energy around it and also some opportunity to interact. We're going to do some coaching live in the moment. 

Christal Duncan: So yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. So don't forget to keep an eye out for that on February 29th. So today we are talking about in because we are talking about community and relationships this month here at [00:03:00] whole human coaching today, we're talking about an element of relationships that is it's foundational, but we don't, it's like many things that are foundational in our lives.

We don't really think about it until it's been actually broken. So we're talking about, we're talking about breaking the trust barrier. Another way to think about it is breaking the trust boundary just to give you some, some kind of thoughts around that and about, we're looking today about how trust is earned.

Or lost and what are the elements of a relationship that makes it trustworthy and how do we build more trust? And this is a big one. How do we build more trust with those whom we lead? Because that's really the foundation of leadership is being able to be trustworthy. So to start out, I would love to, first of all, invite us into the conversation to talk about what happens.

When trust [00:04:00] has been, when it isn't, either isn't there, it hasn't been earned, or almost worse, it's been broken. 

Carol Vickers: Yeah. I think a lot of us have a story around that. And that's a really interesting way to, to begin to look at this conversation, is what happens when it's not there. And I think all of us have a situation that we can call upon, which is when we were in a work situation where trust was not present.

Yeah. Either our leader didn't trust us, or we didn't trust our leader. And both ways can be really, really toxic. So as we consider that, the first of all, how do you know that trust isn't there? What have we experienced? 

colin kingsmill: You know, I Sorry, dog, dog. The dog is answering the question. Yeah, no kidding. I don't know, for me, for me, trust is an enormous it's an enormous [00:05:00] thing.

Because for me, once it's broken it, I'm done, right? I, I will walk away and, but I all the time in the world in that build up. In that build up space and time, like I have all the time in the world to, to get to that space. But when, when it's broken, I, I just have to walk away because to me. very foundation of absolutely everything you do.

And and the, the, the, the, for me, there's a duality to it as well. Like if trust is broken and I continue to contribute to the situation or the work environment or whatever, I think I'm. I think I'm depleting my resources and my energy and my integrity, you know, so for me, it's not so much. Oh, I don't trust you.

I don't want to work with you or. But it's, it's like, what does that mean [00:06:00] inside of us? If trust is broken and you can't, I think for me it's intuitive and you can feel it in your gut and your heart and your soul. It's a physical thing. 

Carol Vickers: What I hear Colin is you step in with trust to begin with. So you enter a workplace or a relationship or a connection being trusting.

colin kingsmill: Yes. So you start there. I, I, you know, and Again, I think it go, I think it's, I think it's so important the trusting your intuition, trusting your body, trust, you know, there's that great book what's it called? Blink, right? That in the blink of an eye, your body absolutely knows. Now your, your logical side might go in and say, Oh no, I have to keep going after I have to work.

I'm going to trust this person. They're not, you know, they're not pulling wool over my eyes, et cetera, et cetera. So I think my sort of advice around trust would be listen to that body, [00:07:00] you know, listen, feel the body temperature, right? When, when you know things are off, when trust is being broken or being breached.

You know, you can, I think you can feel it in your, in your body, in your temperature, in your, in your, your hands. And, and, and I think, you know, one of the messages that I think we're. sort of conveying with this podcast is trust yourself, listen to yourself, you know, you're right, get out of your head and into your heart, you know, and and if trust is being breached, then, you know, I think, I think we need to ask ourselves, how much is it costing me in terms of my energy and my fuel?

Right? Because I think, I think if there's a gap between who you really are and the, and the meaningful work that you want to do and working in some kind of trust broken environment, that gap is costing you every day. Yeah. We [00:08:00] might not know it. We might not be able to measure it, but the symptoms will come out, right?

Yeah, 

Christal Duncan: right. Oh yeah, totally. And I think earlier, Carol, you used a word use the word toxic. And I think that that's like, if we think about when trust has been broken or if we stay, if we're in a relationship that is untrusting and that toxic would be a word that we'd be used. That we would use to describe that, but if something is toxic, it only causes harm, right?

Like something toxic can only reproduce toxicity over and over again. And so I think about in particular as when I was leading the nonprofit many years ago, we had, we had a situation happen where trust was broken at at the, at a high level in the organization. And and it was,

that were given, they'd be that trust. And the, when I think about [00:09:00] back how d in that situation is 

colin kingsmill: oh, I lost both of you. Or if that's just, well, I think, wait, I, I think we lost you a little bit, but we are here. 

Carol Vickers: Yeah. You're wobbling a little. You come back, 

Christal Duncan: Sure. If you're still there or not. Anybody can hear.

Yep, we 

Carol Vickers: can hear you, but you, I don't think can hear us, so we've got a little, we've got a little trust breaking with our internet here. . I wanna just, well, crystal sorting it out. I wonder, I, I wanna challenge that. 

Christal Duncan: I think 

colin kingsmill: this,

Carol Vickers: I wonder, can we, men, can we message Crystal? Let her know? 

colin kingsmill: I just, I just messaged Crystal to, to let her know. Okay. , 

Carol Vickers: I'm, I would like to challenge that. I believe that trust is a two way street. I believe [00:10:00] that trust that we can, we can be trusting of someone without necessarily having a lot of evidence, which is what I was saying, Colin, that you walk in to a situation being trusting.

And I think that we grant trust, not that trust is earned. 

colin kingsmill: Oh, that's an interesting way. Like, like, so let's say I walk into an environment and you know, some of the environments that I've worked in in the last 10 or 15 years. So I walk into an environment. I say, I'm just, I want to try and understand. I say, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to assume trust and allow it and grant it.

But are you, are you saying that I'm all that Also, what do we do? We also we also allow it or, or we, I think 

Carol Vickers: so. So, I mean, we go, we can go back to human [00:11:00] relationships here and take a look at it because a marriage is a perfect example of this. Sure. When something happens in a marriage and typically it's something like an affair, it's something that is, is trust breaking.

There is an opportunity to move through that. There is an opportunity in a relationship to rebuild something, but it has to be two ways. So if we apply this to the workplace and I know I was hoping to get crystal story in here, but there's a place where trust is broken. Something has happened and a leader, the possibility is for a leader to come in and say, this has been a very difficult situation.

We're going to, we're going to rebuild. 

colin kingsmill: Yes. Okay. Yeah. Oh, that I think can happen. You're right. You're back. Hi, Crystal. Welcome back. I 

Christal Duncan: lost my power there for a flicker for a hot 

colin kingsmill: minute. All right. We're, we're just diving into the two, the two way back and forth nature of trust. [00:12:00] And, and maybe we can go back to your, your example because I think that's where you were going to go.

So, so trust 

Carol Vickers: was broken. Yeah. 

Christal Duncan: So when trust was broken I just kept it. Talking there for a minute because I didn't know if you had lost me or not, but when, when trust was broken I was kind of, I was seeing it from, I was adjacent to it, right? So I was essentially, I was part of the leadership that, that was there.

And the person that the trust had been broken with I, I remember advocating for them and stepping in and in hindsight, I'm like, I wonder probably. Something that I wished I could have done or would have done was I would have asked them what would have helped them feel safe or was, what would, what did they need and instead I just assumed I knew what they needed.

I assumed that they needed me to, you know, like to kind of protect them and to to have their back and which is, which is true, but it wasn't, it wasn't, it was centered on what I thought they needed, not centered. On them and [00:13:00] and as a leader, I think that one of the ways that builds and forgive me if, if this is, if I'm taking this on a little bit of a jaunt here, but as a leader, one of the ways that one of the ways that builds trust.

For people is if we can remember that it does have to be about, we, we want to always make it about ourselves. We think that how we feel is the only way or that we're the baseline for the emotions, right? As leaders, and that's not true, not necessarily true. Right. I mean, similar things, or sometimes even if we see if something happens, it can trigger or tip off something in us that reminds us of a situation that happened to us.

And we can assume that the same thing is repeating itself. Like we can just get caught in all kinds of narratives. And I think the opportunity in, in the world of trust is to think about how can I show up? As, as a whole, a whole in my, in and of myself, how can I be courageous in this moment to choose the path that is going to give [00:14:00] people reasons over and over again to trust me and trust that I'm in a safe place.

colin kingsmill: Yes, that's that's really interesting crystal that you made me think of just like myself right and my sort of approach or tack on on trust. And I think I think my relationship with trust is still connected to things from my past that that and I, and I think I think it, I think it's a good reminder of For everybody to, to think about the how and the why and the where and the what they are reacting to in that instance, right?

Where is the, where is my origin story coming? Right. And like, like you were, you were sort of trying to save that person, right. In that past example, you know, and that probably came from you though, from an insight, something inside of you saying, I can fix this, right? I 

Carol Vickers: can fix this. Yeah. 

colin kingsmill: And. So, so there's [00:15:00] something interesting here about pulling away from ourselves, ourself, and to try and be as clean, well, clean is what you're, clean is clear, clear is clean, clean is fine, but, but, but that, that idea of removing yourself away from your ego, away from your reactivity, away from, you know, your things.

Yeah. Right. I think that's important that, that you brought up. The 

Carol Vickers: piece is the, the, the flip side of trust is vulnerability. Because if we trust someone, we are making ourselves vulnerable. And yet what a horrible world it would be if we all kept doing this because we weren't going to let anyone in. So our degree to which we are willing to be vulnerable in any situation in the workplace as we're examining it is really reflective of how much We are trusting of ourselves.

So how, how [00:16:00] willing are we to be vulnerable? Well, I'm willing to be pretty vulnerable because I'm pretty confident that I'm worthy, that I have value. So I'm willing to risk a little bit more because it isn't going to splash on me. Yeah. And so when we look at leaders, as leaders, we need to be able to look at the whole group of people who are in front of us and realize that most of them are going to be like you, Colin, they're going to walk in trusting and that we have the The responsibility, the accountability to maintain that and to step in or not step in or to create the space for there to be a vulnerable interaction.

Yeah. 

Christal Duncan: You're going to break trust. Yeah. That's what we do. Yeah. You know, and, and in order for trust. Trust there to be a trusting environment and when I look back now and I think about the literal toxic situation that was there trust is broken down when there's not confidence. So it's almost like the, you know, the, the [00:17:00] opposite of trust is, is confidence I would say.

But confidence in a way where I'm confident enough in who I am that I don't, I, I, whoever you decide to be. Is not going to affect who I am. So I'm confident enough in that space and I'm confident enough to lead and to make the, the, that I don't need to center myself in this situation. That's a big, if you, if you are at the place where you recognize that you don't need to center yourself in it or center your feelings or center your perspective that you can actually make space for the other person or whoever else is involved in that, that's a trust.

Builder that is maybe hard for people to be able to quantify. In the beginning, but is becomes an intrinsic part of a foundation of a great relationship. 

Carol Vickers: Mm hmm. So there's courage. That's the courage of [00:18:00] a leader to address situations, to be willing to be vulnerable, to be able to look at the people that they lead and say, how, who, what's the litmus test?

How do you know, am I being trustworthy? 

colin kingsmill: And I think that confidence. is a derivative of addressing those small T traumas that each leader might have, right? So make sure that that make sure that you're not bringing your small T trauma and junk right to the table that will cloud that cloud or diminish that confidence.

You know, 

Carol Vickers: Oh, I love how this is going because then what that leader needs as and any of us as leaders we need is someone who is our trusted advisor. Yeah. Someone who's going to tell us the truth about how we are being. Yeah. Yeah. 

Christal Duncan: Okay. Yeah. Because if, if it's like, there's an old biblical proverb that says the wounds of a [00:19:00] friend can be trusted.

And so, and what it's referring to, it's from, I think it's from the book of Proverbs actually, what it's referring to is that exact thing, that it's not a wound like a, to hurt you wound, but if someone has to tell. I'll use something that's truth and the truth can hurt sometimes, right? So if someone has to tell you something that's truthful, but it's a trusted relationship, then that truth, you know, you can trust the truth of it.

If it's from a place of a relationship that you have confidence in. 

Carol Vickers: Yes. Yeah, yeah. You'll feel exactly. So this is a challenge I wanna leave our listeners with today as leaders. Who is it that tells you the truth? Yeah, yeah. Right. 

colin kingsmill: Yeah. 

Christal Duncan: Good question. That is a great question. Yeah. 

colin kingsmill: Even as you ask, maybe we, maybe we talk about that on maybe we should answer that ourselves on, on on Tuesday.

And and, and that's 'cause that's really interesting. Good question. [00:20:00] Yeah. 

Christal Duncan: Okay. Well, thank you for joining us. Thank you for this conversation. If you are wondering more about how we work and the type of people that we work with, you can find us over at whole human coaching. com and while you're over there, don't forget that we have our whole human wheel of life assessment and it will take you about two minutes and it's a fantastic opportunity to get a bit of perspective on the different elements of who you are.

And give you some direction on areas that not to, not to judge yourself on, but areas that you may that life is inviting you to focus on and to build and grow. And until the next time, if you've liked this episode, please share it and don't forget to leave us a comment. And if you have topics that you would like us to talk about.

We love to hear from you and we'd love to get we'd love to speak to the things that matter to you. That's why we're doing what we're doing. Thank you for joining us today. Thanks for such 

colin kingsmill: a [00:21:00] great conversation. I feel like we could have kept talking. Oh yeah, totally. 

Carol Vickers: All 

colin kingsmill: right. Have a great weekend or no week.

It's Tuesday. Oh my God. Bye. Bye.