E29 | What Playing Favourites Says About Your Leadership #TeamWorkTuesday

Do you play favourites with your team? Do you know how to even recognize if you are? 

It may seem like the path of least resistance at times, but what is it telling your team about you and your leadership? 

Today on GETTING TO UNSTUCK, it's time for another #TeamWorkTuesday conversation about how we lead and how we can do better. 

Getting to Unstuck is a live, recorded podcast hosted by Christal Duncan, Colin Kingsmill, and Carol Vickers from Whole Human Coaching. Find out more about who we are and who we work with and how we can help at https://wholehumancoaching.com

As mentioned, here is the recommended resource we talked about during today's show: https://high5test.com/

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Transcript

Carol Vickers: [00:00:00] Good

Christal Duncan: morning. 

Colin Kingsmill: Good morning. Hello. 

Christal Duncan: Good morning. I keep forgetting to unmute myself at that last minute. Hello. Hello. Welcome back to Teamwork Tuesday. It is, we are so close to spring. Tastic time to be alive and it's another fantastic Tuesday to have a great conversation. So thank you for joining us today. If you're joining us for the first time, we want to welcome you to getting to Unstuck.

This is a conversation that we have every Tuesday and we're focused on what it's like to [00:01:00] be a leader, who, to be part of a team and how we can do better and how how us choosing to reclaim the areas of our humanity only results in good things for all of us. Speaking of results in good things for all of us, before we get into today's conversation, which is going to be fantastic.

February or March 28th. Carol, do you want to let us know about March 28th? 

Carol Vickers: Sure. March 28th, we're going to do a replay on our workshop from February. We're going to invite more folks to be involved in our workshop, which is called Now I've forgotten the name of the workshop. The Future is Whole Human 

Christal Duncan: Connection.

The Future 

Carol Vickers: is Whole Human Connection. And everyone who comes on board for that workshop on March 28th at 8 a. m. Pacific will have an opportunity to walk away with a tool. That is going to help you in your leadership, help you in your connection with your people, whether it's your family or your community or the folks that you work with, and to be able to see a live coaching demonstration.[00:02:00] 

So see what coaching is all about because it is all about connection. 

Christal Duncan: It is. So it's going to be a live workshop and it's going to be 90 minutes. And so we strongly invite you to join us for it because if you've not experienced a live coaching workshop before we would be thrilled to have you join us and experience the power of what that kind of an experience can offer you.

And there's limited seats. That is actually true. That is not a sales toy. That is actually true. There are limited seats. So today we're going to be talking about what playing favorites says about your leadership. So I don't know if you're, if you've ever thought about this, if you play favorites with your team, do you even know how to recognize if you are, it may seem like, The path of least resistance at times, if you are someone who is who's given into it.

But there's a bigger question about what is it telling you and your team about your, your leadership and how you how you show [00:03:00] up.

Carol Vickers: So we know that there are some pain points and I not sure how Colin, whether , whether your pain point is actually quiet enough to talk . 

Colin Kingsmill: My pain point . Yes. No, I'm good now. I think, I think the dog has set, the dog has settled down. But yeah, I mean the pain points are things like decreased decreased motivation, decreased morale.

You have things like obviously increased turnover, but the biggest impact I think is what we talk about often is this idea of the erosion of cultural cohesion, right, where you begin to if, if, if favorites are perceived and seen, then, then you, you begin that sort of breakdown of, of cohesion and then the toxicity comes in.

And Ultimately lost of trust, right? Which we spoke about on a couple of times ago. So, you know, again, not a lot of great ingredients for a cocktail to make a team, to make a team function, right? 

Carol Vickers: One of those topics that gets [00:04:00] talked about a lot in, but not, in front of the leader. It's the kind of conversation that is had in the lunchroom.

It's had, you know, over cocktails after work. It's like, Oh, they always choose that person to be on, on their team. They always, they always pick that person first. And it's the same is actually brings us, yanks us right back to our childhood experiences of being in the playground. And because it echoes so dramatically in our previous traumas, it can be really insidious and quite nasty.

If there is perceived favoritism, even just the perception of it can be damaging to you as a leader. 

Christal Duncan: And I think favoritism happens in a lot, in a variety of ways. Like sometimes it is just because it's the path of least resistance. It could be that that's the person that has been around. The, the longest or they're the, you know, it, it, it could just be that [00:05:00] we as leaders, if we fall into that, that habit we're just thinking about it in terms of the most efficient way to do things or, you know well, I just know that, or it could be a variety of reasons.

It could be pure evil because that person is the person that doesn't push back and challenge you kind of endless. It, but it also, Opens up the reality of the conversation about how inclusive is your workplace 

Carol Vickers: and 

Christal Duncan: your team, how inclusive is your team and how, how safe do people feel on your team to put their hand up and say, I want to be a part of what's going on there.

Or how for us as leaders, how often do we push ourselves past what would be our natural default to choose whether it's for affinity sake or whatever else, and to actually think bigger. And be willing to see the possibilities of what we can create with other people. 

Carol Vickers: So I think the opening question is to [00:06:00] be able to consider if you are a leader in listening to this, that are you playing favorites?

And really be honest. In your inventories, like, have I equitably offered opportunities across, across my team? Or do I always go, as you said, Crystal, with the path of least resistance? Because I know so and so can get it done. There's both sides of it. There is an aspect of it that makes sense, unfortunately.

Christal Duncan: Yeah. Yeah. And I think, I think it also, I mean, I've had situations where I have been coaching a client and their frustration has been that they've seen, they've seen the leader play the favorites and they've seen people bypass them. Even though there was an established way, this is an order of how we do things of who's reporting to who.

And then people felt the the freedom or the, the ability to be the exception, to bypass them and go around straight up to the person and that. The leader is not [00:07:00] calling that out. And that does Colin, what you said that does erode trust and trust is not easily won back once it's lost. 

Carol Vickers: Yeah. We've talked about that.

Colin Kingsmill: I think to it, it kind of because you can see it easily happening because as you guys were speaking, I thought of, of, of the performance review, right? So if, if you have somebody that's not performing on your team, right, not meeting, it's easy to veer towards the ones that Are right. But I guess the nugget here is perhaps it, perhaps you need to go, perhaps you need to dig deeper with that individual to find out where the performance, why the performance is not happening.

And it may have something to do that, that with nothing that you've thought about, nothing about career development or training, it might be something totally, totally external. So it just begs. Greater awareness, I think, and greater mindfulness because it can be so easy to go, well, they're not performing.

I'm going to just go over here. Right. [00:08:00] Oh, yes. Yeah. In the fast paced world that we're living in. 

Carol Vickers: Well, and you spoke about, we were talking about deadlines. I mean, if you know, you've got a deadline coming up and you know that this person besides you is going to get done what needs to get done. You're just, you're not even going to think twice about handing it to that person.

But we also talked about it. I wanted to just bring this back that when, when can Having favorites be valuable and does it? Does it have a, that was a question I posed Colin, and so does it have value? 

Colin Kingsmill: It does actually. It does have it does have value. And that's why it's this tight rope, tight rope of awareness to walk, right?

Because it, it, it can contribute to increased motivation. It can contribute to the, the development of talent, right? So you see somebody, so it's this fine line between like mentorship and favoritism, right? Like that, that, that, that you've got, that you've got to walk. And it can also, you know, increase communications or improve [00:09:00] communications.

So there's some positives to it as well. We can't throw the baby out with the bath water, but maybe that, that's an interesting question, right? How do you draw the line between mentorship and favoritism? Yeah. 

Carol Vickers: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think the answer is the story that you were sharing Crystal about the mom on her deathbed.

Christal Duncan: Oh yeah. It's such a fantastic story. So I heard an indigenous. And this gentleman I believe it's from Saskatoon share this fantastic story one time during a storytime session and his mother was she was towards the end of her life and each of there's three sons and they were each spending time in the hospital with her as she was preparing to pass and he went in and he was, you know, having what, what did become his last conversation with his mother.

and telling her how much she meant to him. And you know, she was, she was not very communicative cause she was quite quiet, but she just, as he was finishing up, she said, don't tell [00:10:00] the other, the other boys, but you were always my favorite. And he said, he left thinking very, first of all, thinking, wow, I am her favorite.

I knew it all along and how I just got the proof. And then after she had passed, the three brothers were in conversation. It came up that one of them confessed that she had said that to him as well. And it turned out that she has said that to all three of them. And I remember thinking, first of all, it brought me to tears.

It, and I remember thinking at that time, wow, how. How amazing to think you are the favorite. What is it about the element of someone treating you as, as so favored that what does that bring out in you? And what does it allow you to start to believe about yourself and what you're capable of doing? It's a beautiful proposition.

Carol Vickers: Yeah. And we've, I think we've all worked with charismatic leaders who, who are, you know, when you're in their, [00:11:00] their, element when you're in their circle and they shine their light on you, you really feel like you are special. Yeah. And I think that's really the element that, that I think this conversation is about is how you can be a leader and shine your favoritism on everyone so that everyone feels that they are special and taken care of in, in your, In your perspective, in your view.

Colin Kingsmill: Yeah, no matter what they're bringing to the table, right? And that's that, that's, it's, it's not, it's not, maybe it's not a, a light that, it's not a floodlight on, on everybody, you know, really understanding who are the human beings that you have in the room. 

Carol Vickers: You know, 

Colin Kingsmill: what is, what are the real drivers behind them?

Because I think again, going back to performance reviews, they can be so tedious and connected to, to, to raises and things like that, but you know, really going in and diving into what [00:12:00] is unique and special about every individual that you've got on your team and that takes, that takes a bit of effort and a bit of time, but 

Carol Vickers: Well, and it causes us as leaders, if we're looking at ourselves, to take on a little bit more, because we're going to naturally be inclined to move towards people who we have alignment with, those people who we're naturally comfortable with.

who we have an affinity with. Those are the easy ones. It's the ones where we don't have that same kind of connection that being a leader, what it requires is what you just said, Colin, you have to go and find out a little bit more so that they also feel like you have their, that they have your attention and that they've, you found out something about them.

So there's a little bit more work that's done. And perspective that's required when a leader doesn't, isn't connect with every single human being, which they wouldn't, right? We don't. Well, 

Colin Kingsmill: there's some fun assessments to do that people [00:13:00] can that to do that people can do. There you go. Coffee is hitting in.

I shared it with you guys recently and we'll have to put it up in the show notes because it was, it was, I think it was how to discover your Anyway, I forget what it was, but there could be fun play with, with sort of assessments and characters. And it's like, Oh, you're more this and I'm more of that.

And you're an intro. Of course, they're much more in depth than introvert extrovert now, but, but maybe we could put some of those in the resources well, even the 

Christal Duncan: high, the high, the high values. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And, you know, it's, it's interesting because I would almost question whether it's more work to learn about people or if in the end it makes work more easeful to understand and appreciate because, you know, what we've, we know this as leaders, as and as in the world that we're in, that what you focus on expands.

And so when you focus on what you are grateful for, or when you focus on the potential, when you focus on the possibilities, 

Carol Vickers: [00:14:00] your 

Christal Duncan: actual ability to be able to comprehend it and take it in also expands with it, right? Because your line of sight changes, right? You start to see things differently. You come out of tunnel vision.

And so when we're thinking about. How we can essentially play favorites for, with all of our people and the people on our team when, when someone, when we favor something, it's because we found something in it that makes either in that person that, that connects with us. So looking for an understanding people.

And what their values are, what their strengths are, what they bring to it. And even the power of appreciating their story, like what's important to them, what brought them to this place? Like it is, we are, we know this, we are whole humans. And when we. Approach leadership with that perspective and being in and centering our [00:15:00] mindfulness around the people that we're, we're connecting with.

It really does open up all kinds of incredible possibilities. Yes. And 

Carol Vickers: that's where, to be truthful, a coach comes in. Yeah. Is if you're a leader who thinks, oh, I've been accused of playing favorites or I think I'm playing favorites, to have someone to offer an objective perspective and to take a look, do an inventory.

How do you, how do you lead a meeting? Who do you call on first? Who do you assign work to? Who do you who do you acknowledge? And just really looking at how you are in. How you interact with the people in your organization and to really review that to gain some perspective and to hear other sides. To be able to see, as you said, what is the story, what's one thing you know about that person that you didn't know before.

Right. That brings the humanity back into the workplace. Yeah. 

Colin Kingsmill: Yeah, I like [00:16:00] what you said though, Carol, well, both of you, but the, about the that it might be hard at the beginning, but then it, I think it does get easier once you understand what people are bringing to the office. Right. Right. You know, instead of just.

Thinking that they go over that threshold of the office door and they turn into a widget or a widget maker or whatever it is, understanding that that doesn't happen, right? Everybody brings brings their personal life and their family life and the other. 18, 16 hours a day that they're doing things, you know so just being cognizant of what they're bringing into the office, you know, being aware of it, asking them about it, 

Carol Vickers: you know, 

Colin Kingsmill: sharing, caring will make a difference in the long run.

It's a little bit like that concept of, of, you know, putting you on your own oxygen mask first. 

Carol Vickers: Yes. 

Colin Kingsmill: Do it now, and later, we'll be better. [00:17:00] 

Carol Vickers: It's true. It does make a difference. And I think that when we look at the workplaces that we have enjoyed being in, and when we look at the leaders that we have appreciated working for, there has been that element of, of play.

Yep. It's been the element of fun, and there's been a sense that we knew each other. Yeah. I know we often go back to our experience at Playground and as a division of InterWest, and how connected we are with those people that we worked with, because we knew stuff about each other. We cared about each other, and there was this sense of, of shared fun and experience as well as the workplace.

Because those deadlines are not going to go away. Those reports still have to be written. So how do we bring in the element of humanity into that kind of press, pressure cooker? 

Christal Duncan: Yeah. 

Colin Kingsmill: I get that thing, that idea of I get you, is Really big, I think, [00:18:00] you know, 

Carol Vickers: I get, yeah, 

Colin Kingsmill: we might not, we might not always get along every day.

We might not agree on everything. We might not, you know, even, I don't know. I get you 

Carol Vickers: means that 

Colin Kingsmill: all of the rest is that's okay because the fundamental part is we are just humans. 

Carol Vickers: Bye 

Colin Kingsmill: bye. Yeah. 

Carol Vickers: You said something. And I 

Christal Duncan: think that. 

Carol Vickers: Go ahead, Carol. No, please. Go ahead. No, no, 

Christal Duncan: no, no. You. 

Carol Vickers: All right. Well, what Colin said before we started was that In most cases, like 99 percent of the people that are listening to this, they're not performing brain surgery.

So no one is going to lie bleeding on the table if we miss a deadline. So we need to remember that too. And have a little freedom, a little breathing room in the pressures that we apply to [00:19:00] each other in the workplace. Because that's so much of what we hear when we're coaching people is that they're ground down by the requirements.

So the invitation is really just to take a breath and realize, okay, we're not, we're not going to leave anybody that is on death's door. We're going to actually take care of people instead. 

Christal Duncan: Yeah. And, and, you know, this this conversation has been inspired by us looking into the things that teams wished.

Their leaders knew that they think about them. And so to, you know, kind of to wrap up, I'm curious, you know, what is a question as coaches, what is one of the questions that you would leave with a leader to consider if they are playing favorites. What's the invitation or the question there that you, you would have for them?

Carol Vickers: I don't know. I might be really blunt. Do you play favorites? Yeah. 

Colin Kingsmill: Yeah. [00:20:00] I think I would be, I mean, that's my natural instinct most times anyway, but I, I think, I think I would be, you know, are you playing favorites? 

Carol Vickers: Or as as a good coaching question should be not closed ended is how would you know if you were playing?

Yeah. Okay. 

Christal Duncan: Yeah. Yeah. 

Carol Vickers: That's what I'm saying. 

Christal Duncan: Fantastic. And I would, I would ask them I was, I wrote it down just before we started. What would it look like if you treated each team member as if they were your favorite? What would your leadership look like? 

Colin Kingsmill: That's good. I think you win. 

Christal Duncan: I think they're all, I think they're all important questions because like any, like any good question, there's a time that it can pull out.

It will unveil, it will unveil the truth. And that's why we do what we do. Thanks for joining. If you enjoy the show or you enjoy the show in general, please leave us a review, like it, share it, all that good stuff. You can find us everywhere that [00:21:00] you listen to podcasts, So make sure that you get a chance or watch them as well and don't forget to mark in your calendars and to sign up because space is legitimately limited.

For our free live workshop on March 28th at 8 AM Pacific 11 AM Eastern and 12 noon Atlantic Standard time here on Turtle Island until the next time take care. Thanks everybody. Bye. Bye. Bye.