Ep 02: First Step in Change is Awareness

In this episode, we’re diving into anger—an emotion that’s often misunderstood but is actually a powerful tool for self-awareness. Instead of seeing anger as something to suppress or later regret, we’re exploring how to recognize it, understand what’s activating it, and use it to our advantage. We break down how to build awareness around what activates our anger, how it tends to show up for us, and—most importantly—what’s really going on underneath it.

By becoming curious about our anger, we can learn to see it as a signal rather than a problem. This episode is all about learning to pause when that anger flares up, giving ourselves some compassion, and getting real about what’s setting us off. Sometimes, anger is masking other emotions like fear, frustration, or sadness, and when we take the time to dig deeper, we can figure out what’s really driving our reactions. That awareness helps us shift from reaction to how we instead choose to respond.

Join me in today’s episode to gain practical insights on how to notice when and why your anger is activated, and how to use that awareness to make more intentional choices in your day-to-day life. We’ll explore a roadmap for turning anger into an opportunity for deeper self-awareness and positive change. By getting curious about what’s underneath our anger, we can live more intentionally, with less stress and more emotional clarity. Whether it’s learning to give yourself a
break or making bigger changes, this episode helps you get clear on how anger shows up for you and how to use it to move forward with more control and less reactivity.

What You’ll Learn:

• How to build awareness around what activates your anger and recognize how it shows up in your life.
• Why anger is often a cover for other emotions, and how to uncover what’s really driving it.
• The importance of giving yourself compassion in moments of anger, creating space for growth and self-reflection.
• How to use this awareness to make intentional, conscious choices in how you respond to activators instead of reacting on autopilot.

Featured on the Show: 

• Watch Arpita's introductory webinar on how to Uplevel Your Awareness Here
• Download Arpita's worksheet on Uplevel Your Awareness Around Anger HERE

• Learn about Arpita's next Circle of Six Small Group Coaching Cohort HERE.
• Learn more about Dr. Arpita Gupta DePalma's programs with Thought Work, MD, including 1-to-1 coaching for individuals, group coaching cohorts for organizations, and her online self-study courses HERE.
• Transforming Your Anger From Reaction to Response Online Self Study Course with Dr. Arpita Gupta DePalma.

Transcript

Hi friends, This is Dr Arpita Gupta DePalma and you're listening to my podcast From Pissed Off to Poised. This show is for busy women physicians and professionals just like you who are ready to take control of their emotions while learning how to excel in juggling all the things they are responsible for in life. It's for overextended mamas who are trying to figure out how to work smarter, not harder. 

It's for multitasking women who are tired of playing the role of the angry and resentful air traffic controller, who simply want to learn how to create a life that is more calm, intentional and joyful for themselves. 

My goal is to help you learn how to eliminate the overwhelm and maintain your composure in high stress situations that you face with the demands in your day-to-day life. Because I get you guys, this was totally me. 

You are not alone. I invite you to embark on your journey of transformation with me. Enjoy the listen. 

Hey guys, welcome back. I am excited to have episode two in the books as we start recording it today, and I just want to revisit and just remind you guys that my goal here is to normalize the anger that we feel as busy humans juggling all the things as part of living. It's part of our entire existence as human beings, where we get to feel all of the emotions. 

And once we can normalize that anger as part of that wheelhouse of emotions, we can then move on to the next step, which is building curiosity about our anger. So that we can a give ourselves some self-compassion about when we have it and then notice which things actually tend to set us off and allow ourselves to have that space to be introspective and to kind of figure out and learn for ourselves why we show up that way in certain situations. And then determine if we want to make changes. Because all of this goes back to us being intentional with how we're choosing to show up each day. 

Sometimes this requires us to really just give ourselves a little bit of a break, some moments to reset and recharge, and other times it means making some big ass changes to our day-to-day lives, because we've gone down this path that isn't serving us any longer. It might've served us once, when we were younger or with different scenarios or situations that we were living in, but it's no longer serving us now. 

And so that's where the awareness piece is key, because once we have that awareness, then we can make a change. And so, I've done both of these things. I've done it where I've had to make small changes or just given myself a break to reset, and I've also made some big changes in my life which helped me kind of navigate towards that end result of being more intentional and less reactionary. 

So, as I've said over and over and over, when we start to do this work, when we first start to build awareness, that is key for us to be able to start to notice which situations tend to set us off. What emotions are there that we are choosing to avoid feeling because they don't feel good and therefore, we've jumped to anger instead. 

So, I have a question to ask you guys. Did you all take a minute to think about the situations or any scenarios last week that was your homework to figure out when you tend to find yourself getting angry. If not, take a minute. We're going to go through it again today. So, it's okay if you didn't, but that's what I'm going to teach you and focus on for this episode, and maybe the next as well, really developing our awareness. Because we want to shift the way we show up. 

So, I mentioned last week that anger was my way to avoid feeling other crappy emotions that were popping up for me when something didn't go my way or didn't go well in my world, and what happened was when I chose to show up angry. Instead, it created this neural pathway that over time, became more and more well-established, because anger had become my go-to anytime I was trying to avoid feeling another negative emotion. And so, when we do things to avoid feeling negative emotions, that's called buffering. 

So, when we do something, such as jumping to anger or drinking a glass of wine, or eating that cupcake or scrolling on social media, when we do something that temporarily removes the discomfort or helps us feel a little bit better, rather than facing that situation head on right away right then, that is called buffering. 

And ultimately, when we buffer, it prolongs that negativity. It causes it to become more intense and it lasts longer. And so, what I've noticed is with the anger specifically as a way for me to buffer, I would show up angry. That's kind of a little bit about how we buffer with anger, in a sense, and that's one telltale sign of anger. 

There are others, like we talked about in the last episode too, where anger actually can inform us or alert us that something is violating us or core value or belief. But in this situation, when anger is a buffer, these are the areas where I'm going to focus on with you today. Okay, and this is where you really want to spend some time reflecting to develop that awareness where you are getting activated, and things that activate you are situations or instances where your thoughts or underlying emotions are uncomfortable. 

Where the situation happens, you have a thought about it and feel crappy because of that situation, i.e. because of the thoughts you're having about that situation. So, instead of dealing with that feeling and sitting with it, you jump to anger instead. So, I'm going to go through a series of questions with you today. I actually have a worksheet on this that I'm going to add in the show notes for you guys to be able to access later. 

But the first part of this worksheet focuses on us figuring out what are our most common anger activators. I'm going to list them out for you and then tell you some of the other steps with this worksheet that is going to help you with that awareness. Let's dive in. 

So, number one my most common anger activator, after I did this reflection and really thought about it, were any situation or situations that pertain to my kids not meeting my expectations, and then eventually it extended into other people. And if I really reflect on it now, it might have been the other way around, where other people didn't meet my expectations and then it trickled down to me seeing that at home. I.E., having kind of unrealistic expectations of small children and me feeling that frustration with that, that anger that came out with that. So, what it looked like when my kids didn't win an award or they didn't do well in school or they didn't get picked for a team that they were trying to get on… instead of me empathizing with them in that moment and feeling their crappy feelings around feeling disappointment or shame and my crappy feelings around them, feeling disappointed and having that shame of not being selected or not doing well, I didn't like the way that felt. So, I would jump to anger instead. And then I insisted with them that they could have and should have done better. When I did some deeper work on this, I actually realized that my thought error was actually my disappointment and shame that I had not parented them in the best way. I didn't provide them with the resources or get them prepared in a way that would have allowed them to succeed better. 

That was a lot of the deeper work with it, but the superficial level here was them feeling the disappointment or shame of not meeting a goal, me feeling that disappointment and shame with them and then choosing not to feel that by jumping to anger instead. I was making their failure in winning that award or getting that grade or making a team be a reflection of me and it really wasn't. But that's what my shitty brain was offering me at that time. So that was one of my most common anger activators. Does that sound familiar to any of you guys? 

Have you ever noticed that happen to you when you have situations where people don't meet your expectations? 

The second one is whenever things did not get done perfectly and on my timeline. Again, this probably started initially with people in my environment and world. And I do realize that when I really reflected back, this started with the residency check-in, checkout list… where I had to count on the person before me to make sure he had gotten everything done and hadn't missed anything. They’d give it to me, I would button things up nice, tie it up with a bow and pass it on to the next guy and pray to God that that person did what they were supposed to do. 

And so, this is the birth of my having expectations of other people that they had to meet them perfectly and on specific timelines. So, where this trickled down was into again, personal life and home. Where my kids are super young and I've got a busy day ahead of me and I've got to get them packed up and ready and dressed and out the door to daycare, to school, whatever, so that I can go on with my day. 

And what I realized is when these little minions were making me late because they couldn't find their shoes, or their lunch bag wasn't packed properly or they're just having an all-out tantrum, they didn't have their shit together, I wasn't able to leave on time. And when I wasn't able to leave on time, it was their fault. That's what my brain was telling me. And therefore I'm going to be pissed because now I'm feeling the sense of urgency, this crazy urgency that I need to hurry up and get things done so I can go on with my schedule as planned. 

So, rather than feeling that sense of pressure or urgency that I need to get out on time, I would jump to that anger again. And that anger was taken out on them. It was misdirected. So, I had to really do a lot of reflection here as well about why these little situations at home or any other situation at the office where things weren't done on time per my deadline would set me off. And it was that sense of urgency, that feeling of urgency that came up over and over when I realized that's what I was trying to avoid by feeling anger instead. 

The last situation, the last common activator that I noticed for myself, was anything that reminded me that I was not playing doctor anymore. Because ultimately what this meant was, I was not worthy. And that feeling of low self-worth felt so shitty, it felt so uncomfortable, it did not feel good. 

So anytime somebody asked me why I wasn't practicing anymore, when I was going to go back to practice, when I had other situations that came up where I was working in the office with my husband and he didn't take my ideas, whatever it was, whatever my brain then converted into the flavor of this is because I'm not practicing clinically, I would jump to anger instead. 

So, these are important examples, because the whole point of me telling you all of these things is because a lot of times, it's not really what we think it is. It's not the kids not being able to find their shoes in the morning. It's not those simple situations that come up that necessarily are the source of the anger. It's our underlying thoughts that come up with it that lead to the emotions that we don't like to feel, and so instead, we jump the anger. 

So, what I really want you to do is think about this. Spend some time building that awareness. I want you to reflect on this question of listing your most common anger activators. Can you come up with specific situations that set off your angry reactions, especially if it's happening frequently or more often than once with the same situation? Once you've identified that, I want you to ask yourself “What am I thinking?” when you encounter that situation where you found yourself getting angry. 

Could you pause it and freeze-frame it and go back and reflect on what thought jumped into your head in that exact moment and then write that thought down? And I really want you to just spend a moment there. And after you've written it down, I want you to ask yourself is that thought really true? Is that thought serving you? How so? Or, if not, how is it not? 

This is super important because, fundamentally, our thoughts are what drive the emotions that we have. Even if it's not necessarily anger, the thoughts are what drive the emotions that we have. And so, instead of being in this space where we're constantly blaming the situations and the encounters that we have each and every day, I want you to start moving into a space where we can think about how our brain is perceiving those situations and encounters instead. 

So, figure out where it's coming up for you. 

What situations in particular? 

What thought did you have in that exact moment when that anger hit your body? 

And then ask yourself is that thought really true and is it serving you or not? That's the first series of questions that we were going to go through to really kind of build that awareness. 

And the next thing I want you to start to focus on is noticing the emotions that are there. 

If you were to remove the anger, what underlying emotions were present? 

So, when you go back to that thought that you wrote down that came up with the anger, if you could take the anger out of it for a moment, why is that thought so painful for you? 

What is the emotion that's linked to that thought if there was no anger associated with it? 

And this is where the gold is. This is where we really can take a deep dive, where I also realized that it wasn't necessarily the disappointment with my kids not making the grade. It was disappointment in myself for not showing up as the best mom I could be to get them in a position where they could have made the grade. 

Now we know none of that is true. I know now my brain was offering me such a shitty thought because I ultimately cannot control other people. I can only control myself. But the problem is when our brain keeps giving us these thoughts over and over and over, we believe them, and we don't even consider any other perspectives. 

This is where I figured out some of these nuances for myself with my coach over time, where that disappointment and that urgency and those feelings of worthlessness, those were the emotions that I wanted to avoid feeling at all costs and that meant I could show up angry instead. So that made sense to me and that's how I figured out that these shitty voices in my head were not working. 

They were there to keep me safe. The intent was good, but ultimately, they were not working. They were not serving me. So, when you go back to that thought that you wrote down, I want you to remove the anger and come up with the emotions that you think you might be feeling from that sentence that you have. 

What other emotions are there that you don't necessarily like to feel? 

And then, lastly, I want you to just explore by asking yourself, if this exact same situation happened again today, what other perspectives could I consider? 

Could I take on the perspective of the person in that situation who was involved with the anger? 

Could I take on the perspective of an innocent bystander? 

Could I take on the perspective of a child or my mom? 

What other perspectives could you consider that might be actually potentially true that don't come along with the anger? 

When people have a lot of history with anger, or we've put a lot of emotional investment into their anger, it becomes an imprinted pattern on their brain and that's what cements these neural pathways. Okay, so that each time we have a situation that has a similar flavor or is the exact same, it fortifies that neural pathway. It makes it more and more well-established, and that's why it seems so difficult to ever make a change, because it's automatic. We just jump to it. There doesn't even seem like there's any other possibility of reacting to that situation in a different way, even after we've promised ourselves that we would. 

That all being said, how can we start to make a change? 

I think you guys need to answer this now. How do you make a change? If you don't know the answer now, I want you to go back to listen to episode one and this one again, because the answer is simple. As with anything, when we want to make a change, we have to first start by up-leveling our awareness. 

So, I want you to build awareness on what situations, people, words and even emotions activate you. 

I want you to build awareness on how you are thinking. 

I want you to build awareness on how you are feeling and the vibrations those feelings create in your body. 

What do I mean by that? When you notice that there's a hum in your chest or there's heat rising up in your ears, or that your shoulder is as tight as a tick up to your ear, those are the vibrations that your emotions are creating in your body. So, I want you to notice that. 

And then, finally, I want you to have awareness, or build awareness on the fact that you want to make a change. So, in addition to asking yourself what situations you find yourself to be activated in, I want you to ask what cues do you have in your body that alert you that you're starting to become angry? For me, I notice the tension in my left shoulder. I visualize it as concrete blocks that are getting more and more cemented together. 

Whenever I have an anxiety type of feeling, I noticed the humming in my chest. So, I want you to not only build awareness around the situations in your life that tend to set you off. I want you to build awareness around what your body is telling you. How does your body show up when all the other emotions come up for you? 

I've also made a list of some steps that you can take to start recognizing some of your activators. Okay, this is if you're really having a hard time starting, or you're only thinking of one or two little scenarios, or you think that you're really not an angry person overall. This list might help you. 

So, number one I want you to identify if anger is evident or present in your home or work or friend environment, i.e. the places that you spend the most time in. Do you notice anger in certain areas of that? 

Number two, what situations cause your anger buttons to get pushed more easily because of, maybe, increased stress or lack of sleep? What situations tend to compound it? 

Number three, do you have any emotional beliefs that are underlying your anger reactions? For me, for example, with my husband, I would frequently have a thought that he doesn't respect me. Okay, so when we're in the office, I'm not practicing clinically anymore, I'm helping out in an admin role and we're having meetings and I'm trying to pitch ideas or suggestions, and I'd get interrupted or cut off. My thought would be he doesn't respect me, I I'm not practicing clinically anymore, so he's not taking my input, which is a total bullshit, false thought, but that's the thought that I would have and that would cause me to be angry. So, do you have emotional beliefs that are underlying your anger reactions that aren't even true? 

Number four, are there emotional beliefs that are underlying other people's angry reactions? So, i.e., they don't appreciate anything I do, other people's reactions. They're not showing or showing up for you in a way that you feel is supposed how they should be showing up, i.e. our manual for them, and that leads to you having anger as well. 

Number five I want you to think about a person or issue that creates the greatest feelings of resentment for you, and I want you to ask yourself what about this gets you the angriest? What about this person or this situation makes you the angriest and what are your emotional beliefs behind them? So that's one way that you can get started. 

It's kind of giving you some prompts to do your thought downloads, which was just journaling and giving ideas and letting your brain kind of pour out on paper. 

Another way we can do this is just ranking activators from highest to lowest. Okay, this piece is really good for people that really feel like they don't get angry much or very often. This is a great way to kind of start to build some awareness around where you do. 

I want you to rank these situations from highest to lowest. Highest being they get you the most frustrated, angry, reactionary. Lowest meaning it doesn't bother you at all. 

Number one, unmet expectations- People, things, whatever they're not meeting your expectations. 

Number two, feelings of being treated unfairly. 

Number three, threats to your security or the security of the people you love the most. 

Number four, threats to your belief systems, your core values. 

Number five, threats to your self-image, your worth in terms of what you feel like, i.e.- does your image or equate to your worth. 

Number six, fear of the worst things happening. 

And number seven, any others that I might have missed. 

Our threat detection system becomes activated, as I mentioned last week, anytime our sense of safety is compromised. 

So, when this happens, we go into fight, flight, freeze or submit as our reaction, and some of these reactions tend to look like anger. 

So, my first official challenge to you, even if you listened to last week, is to give yourself some time to reflect and explore so you can start building even more awareness around, not only what activates you, but how it shows up for you in your body. And, how your body is responding, where you can have more awareness? 

Because I think, as physicians, we have become totally numb to listening to our bodies, and it makes sense why. We busted our tails in training. We were taught that the patient comes first. Everything else needs to wait, and that includes our own health and well-being. 

We didn't sleep, we didn't eat, we didn't poop, we didn't pee. We didn't do any of the things that our body alerted to us as necessities that needed to be managed and paid attention to at that moment. So, we have to relearn that, and that's part of this process of building awareness. 

So, take out a journal, start using any of these prompts that I have given you today to start that reflection, and we are going to gradually move from reaction to response. I know you can do it. 

So, as I mentioned, I have this worksheet that I've put together. It's called up leveling your awareness around anger, and this is a great resource. I'm going to put a link to it in the show notes so that you can start doing some of that work. You can print it out or just start journaling with the questions that I gave you today. 

All right, my friends, I think that's going to be good for today. I have a little bit more that I want to talk to you about regarding awareness, but we're going to do that in the next episode. You guys have a great, great week and I will see you next time. 

I hope you enjoyed today's episode of From Pissed Off to Poised. Remember, transformation is a journey, not a destination, so enjoy the ride. Don't forget to subscribe, rate and review from Pissed Off to Poised on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback supports my mission to get this podcast out to help other women, physicians and professionals like you on their path to creating a more peaceful life with more intention and more joy. I enjoy reading every message I get with your input and feedback on my journey, so keep them coming and if you have a friend who might enjoy the listen, please share this episode and show with them. 

Lastly, if you want to learn more about my coaching programs and course offerings, check out my website at www.thoughtworkmd.com. Feel free to reach out to me to learn more about investing in yourself through one-to-one coaching so you can start living the life you've always wanted. 

This show is for general educational and entertainment purposes only. 

Life coaching is not a substitute for therapy or medical treatment.