Ep 04: I'm Not Angry, You're Angry with Dr. Sonja Grigg

What happens when an overwhelmed primary care physician and busy
mother of two begins to realize that something in her life needs to change?

For Dr. Sonja Grigg, that moment of awareness sparked a transformation
from a life filled with discontent and chaos to one of peace and intention. In
this episode, Dr. Grigg shares her powerful journey of self-discovery,
highlighting how coaching provided the tools she needed to recognize her
inherent power and create meaningful changes that brought balance and
fulfillment to her life.

Dr. Grigg opens up about how her initial denial and resistance to
confronting painful emotions tied to past memories led her to hit rock
bottom. She candidly discusses how working with her coach, Arpita, helped
her develop greater self-awareness and belief in her ability to live a more
fulfilling life. She also shares how embracing vulnerability strengthened her
ability to be a more compassionate physician and a more present mother,
ultimately allowing her to show up as her best self for both her patients and
her family.

Tune in to discover why self-reflection, processing emotions around past
traumas, and setting clear intentions can create the pivot you may be
seeking in your own life.

Dr. Sonja's Bio:
Dr Sonja Grigg is a mom to 2 young boys, a wife, and a primary care physician in her community. She dedicates her efforts to helping people uncover the potential in their own bodies by emphasizing principles of lifestyle medicine and strengthening the mind-body connection. Outside of family life and clinic time, she is teaching, holding support circles, and growing in her yoga practice.

What You’ll Learn:

• Understand the impact of self-denial and emotional suppression on
  personal and professional well-being
• Learn how self-awareness and coaching can empower individuals to
  make meaningful life changes
• Explore the role of vulnerability in enhancing relationships with others
  and oneself
• Discover practical strategies for setting clear intentions and
  processing past traumas to achieve greater life balance and
  fulfillment

Featured on the Show: 

• Watch Arpita's introductory webinar on how to Uplevel Your Awareness Here
• Download Arpita's worksheet on Uplevel Your Awareness Around Anger HERE

• Learn about Arpita's next Circle of Six Small Group Coaching Cohort HERE.
• Learn more about Dr. Arpita Gupta DePalma's programs with Thought Work, MD, including 1-to-1 coaching for individuals, group coaching cohorts for organizations, and her online self-study courses HERE.
• Transforming Your Anger From Reaction to Response Online Self Study Course with Dr. Arpita Gupta DePalma.

Transcript

Hi friends, this is Dr Arpita Gupta DePalma and you're listening to my podcast From Pissed Off to Poised. This show is for busy women physicians and professionals just like you who are ready to take control of their emotions while learning how to excel in juggling all the things they are responsible for in life. It's for overextended mamas who are trying to figure out how to work smarter, not harder. 

It's for multitasking women who are tired of playing the role of the angry and resentful air traffic controller, who simply want to learn how to create a life that is more calm, intentional and joyful for themselves. 

My goal is to help you learn how to eliminate the overwhelm and maintain your composure in high stress situations that you face with the demands in your day-to-day life. Because I get you guys, this was totally me. 

You are not alone. I invite you to embark on your journey of transformation with me. Enjoy the listen. 

Hi, guys! Welcome back to another episode of From Pissed Off to Poised. I am super excited today to have one of my dearest clients and, I can say, friends with me. I decided that I wanted to bring Dr. Sonja Grigg on to the show because, quite frankly, she reminded me a lot of myself when I started this journey. 

And I say this with total love, but when I met Dr. Grigg back in 2021, I had already began the journey of building my awareness and starting to do the work around coaching, and what I realized was I met a mini me, in a sense, where there are other humans in this world who are beautiful and amazing and just have this glow to them, yet they have no awareness around it, they have no ability to recognize the power of who they are. 

So, Sonja and I had a conversation this was actually back in Miraval, where we met and we just started chatting and I just had a conversation with her where she, I think, started to maybe see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and so, before I get into that too deeply, I want Sonja to tell you, her story. So, Sonja, welcome to the show. Thank you for joining me. 

Sonja (Guest)

Hi, everybody! Hi, Arpita! 

Arpita (Host)

Hi, I love you so much, I appreciate you coming on and I really want to just dive right in with a bunch of questions, but I first want you to tell everybody a little bit about yourself, what you do and all the things.

Sonja (Guest)

Got it! So, by profession, I'm a primary care doctor. I live here in Charlotte. I am a mom of two little boys, a two-year-old and a four-year-old. 

I am married to an oncologist, so a very doctor-y household that has, together, been learning how to be free, how to relax, how to stop caring so much and carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. 

Arpita (Host)

Amazing, amazing, and I personally have seen you on your journey. Sonja and I worked together for a little bit over a year, I think, maybe even longer than that. 

Sonja (Guest)

I think we were about two and a half years of coaching together. 

Arpita (Host)

Amazing, and one of the things that I just really am so proud of to have seen with her evolution is just when I think back to where she was the day, I met her and where she is today. And so, I want you, if you don't mind, Sonja, to maybe describe that to our audience like where you were in your life and career before we began working together. 

Sonja (Guest)

So, referencing where I met Arpita at Miraval. At that time, I was actually going on this trip with my sister, for my sister. Which I think speaks to how I was living my life. I was doing everything for somebody else. I was doing all the “right things” because I thought I should, and totally suppressing my own spirit, my own kind of inherent life force. 

On the outside, my world looked like a job, you know. I would go to work early in the morning, drop my kids off at daycare, come home pretty exhausted, really not wanting to connect with my husband, not play with my kids, tired every day, shoulders aching. 

Weekends I spent, you know, trying to recover from the grueling work week and in a way. I was living a checklist. I had gone to college, went to med school, finished residency, got my job, got married. I had one baby at the time. So, I was doing all the things I thought would make me happy and yet inside I was shriveling up, I was cold, I was distant. I was really unhappy in this beautiful life that I had.

Arpita (Host)

That sounds so familiar, so common. I think so many people can relate to that. 

So, I think back, and I remember that conversation. But do you remember what the tipping point where you had the awareness to notice that you needed to change, or something had to change? 

Sonja (Guest)

I think inside of me, I knew my inner knowing, my wisdom, my intuition was telling me something needed to change. One thing that comes up is in clinic. You know, all the time I'm telling people to reduce stress. We all know we feel what stress does on our bodies, and I was saying it over and over again, but I had no concept of what that meant. 

Especially, most of us can't quit a job. We can't entirely shift our world. We can, little by little, but we have no idea how to go about reducing stress, and I was one of those. And yet I'm preaching “oh, you got to do it, you got to do it” and I couldn't do it for myself. 

Arpita (Host)

Yeah, I think the first thing that you said was that you had this intuition. That was the tipping point, that something was telling you in your gut and your inner knowing that you needed to change. And I would offer that, that is your glimmer of awareness, right? That safety line that came that we all have in us. It's just learning to listen to it and learning to actually give it a little bit of airtime. That's exactly what you did there. You gave it that glimmer. 

And as you're saying, when you are going through your day to day and you're doing your routine and you're telling the patients you got to do this to eliminate stress, you have to do this to feel better, you're doing your routine while at the same time, not acknowledging that your intuition is saying I need this too, right? 

And so that's where there was, in a sense, lack of awareness. You're going in through the day-to-day routine and you're not aware of what you need, yet your inner knowing, at finally some point, said we need to stop, something has to change. 

And so, it's crazy how it works. You know, that you finally hit this tipping point, this breaking point, where you're like no, it's going to change. My gut is saying something needs to change. 

So, I want you to think back to, obviously, we started working together and one of the first things that I start teaching and talking about is my very first module is actually building awareness. Asking yourself, what am I thinking? And being more present with your mind and your thoughts each day.

So, did you have like a breakthrough moment where you realized that you actually had something called awareness, like the option of this? 

Sonja (Guest)

I remember noticing how much during the day I was holding my breath, which was sort of the first clue to me existing on a higher level than the me functioning day-to-day, moment-to-moment, seeing patients in clinic, making dinner, putting my kids to bed.

So, I, in a way, grew one layer up. You know, just simply noticing, oh here is Sonja holding her breath, here's something going on, here's what she's doing. So, starting to zoom out of my life.

Arpita (Host)

So, tell me, what did you make that mean? Like when you notice, oh shit, I'm holding my breath during the day, like what happened then? 

Sonja (Guest)

Oh gosh, Arpita! It was eye-opening to see how I lived my day not breathing. I lived my day with tight shoulders and a totally stiff body cutting off my own air. 

Arpita (Host)

Wow, I mean, it is so powerful when we just go back and think about that, right? Like we're so consumed with what is happening in the moment with regards to getting things done that we don't even realize that we're not even breathing. Super powerful. 

So, I want you to think about it as we started doing this work. You know this is a super surprising discovery right here that “Oh my God, I'm not breathing.” You know I need to do that. First, ABCs were kind of taught that now it's backwards. 

But what came next as you started having this discovery? Okay, I'm not breathing, let's start breathing, Sonja. Let's actually get some oxygen into ourselves. What came as the next step for what you wanted to do? Like the craving for more. 

Sonja (Guest)

So, paying attention inside recharged my will to live in a way. Like I was reinvesting the energy in myself instead of always giving it outward and immediately. You know, little by little, you're feeling better. I haven't changed anything really in my life externally, but simply paying attention to me, paying attention to what's going on inside of me, gave me agency to make tiny shifts. 

Okay, say no to this last task in the day, say no to that commitment on the weekend. Take time to sleep, take time to you know, sit down and have a full meal. And so, these tiny changes slowly, the energy was flowing back into me. 

And I really can't think of major, you know, no specific moment comes to mind I can share. But little by little you have more energy to do stuff. 

Mood improves, your love for others, your softness grows, you can tolerate a ton more, and it shifted the mom. I was the wife, I was the doctor, I was in clinic, and then the gifts from the world added more to this desire to pay attention to me, because what I viewed as selfish was actually selfless, because I was able to be such a better person in this world by taking care of myself. 

Arpita (Host)

Yeah, totally so good. So, do you remember or do you still use actually things in your day-to-day to help remind you, to pay attention, to have that awareness Like what are your go-tos? 

Sonja (Guest)

I constantly am paying attention to how my body feels. Where do I feel tightness? Where am I holding my breath? Am I hungry, am I tired? 

I'm working now to give myself everything I need before my body's screaming at me. 

And now, starting my day with meditation or, you know, connecting with my inner knowing, I want to do it for myself. I'm excited to do it, whereas before it was “oh I know I should do this.” Like every book I read, every study that comes out points to value in this, and I'm doing it because I should, and now I'm excited to do it. 

Arpita (Host)

Yeah, you feel the power of it, that your ability to have the awareness and, I think, that inner wisdom that comes to us when we give ourselves the moment to just be present with our ourselves. 

People are a lot of times worried like I can't meditate because I'm too busy with all the thoughts that go through my head. And you know I've said it and I've taught it before in other classes that part of that work is just noticing that. 

So, you can bring yourself back to the breath or whatever, and that's where you start to have that inner peace, and the practice makes you better at it. 

Sonja (Guest)

Arpita, what you just said reminds me how I resisted meditating. I felt like I wasn't doing it right, and that also speaks to the way I was living. I was so focused on being perfect and doing things perfectly that it prevented me from taking care of myself. 

And from even starting yeah, I'm taking care of everything, I'm taking care of everybody. So that was a turning point realizing that it's anxiety, actually. 

My anxiety to control everything, to be perfect, to have everything done the right way, was entirely killing my life force. 

Arpita (Host)

100% and that it's a fear. It's a fear of not succeeding or failing in certain areas and the repercussions of it. That kind of kept you and keeps a lot of us in this state of not even trying, not putting it out there. 

And so, even just having that awareness and I love the way you said, because this is what we teach, is that you have to be in tune to your body first in order to do anything, because our body keeps the score. 

I'll be talking about in upcoming episodes where when we have these events that are traumatic to us from the past and it just kind of seeps into our body, our body reacts with those same physical vibrations whenever anything else in our environment in our current day bring up the same type of emotion. And so, it's super important to be able to tune into that. 

And unfortunately, as physicians, we have been taught, we have been ingrained and kind of pounded into our brain to not pay attention to that. 

Because we have to take care of the patient first. We have to do all the tasks at hand, then we can go rest, if we get to, then we can go use the bathroom, then we can go eat all of those things, and so it takes actually a lot more work for physicians to go back and start to learn. 

What does this mean when my shoulder is tight? 

What does this mean when I find myself holding my breath? 

And that's where the awareness starts to grow. 

Where we can first notice how is it showing up for us and then asking ourselves what exactly is causing it to be there. What does it mean? 

Sonja (Guest)

And speaking of the medical training, we are taught to fix people's problems, we are taught to immediately take that weight upon ourselves and therefore you then judge yourself by the outcomes of other people. Further disconnecting you from carrying what's yours to carry and not judging yourself by factors outside of your control. 

Arpita (Host)

So, I want to ask you with the journey that you were on and building your awareness around your thoughts and your emotions, and how your body carries them, how has this impacted you with regards to how you show up with your patients and how you take care of patients? 

Sonja (Guest)

Oh, my heart is just softer. I'm open, I am relaxed, I see the goodness in everybody that's forefront and seeing that we all want the same things.

We are all struggling in similar ways, in our own mind prisons, ways in our own mind prisons. And we're all on this journey of awareness, journey of self-actualization. And now I listen better, I don't judge as much, I don't have expectations as much, I'm just softer and I think everyone around me feels more comfortable because automatically they feel that I'm meeting them as a human, not meeting them as I'm the physician here telling you what to do, trying to fix your problem. 

Arpita (Host)

And essentially you are still doing that, but in a different way, in a much more not just palatable, but like desired way from the patient standpoint. 

Sonja (Guest)

Yeah, A much more gentle, softer, playful way, like so much more laughter, jokes, and I come in and I give you a hug, which is completely different than how I was taught. You know to be professional and distance myself and not get attached. 

Arpita (Host)

So good. What are some unexpected benefits or outcomes you've seen or noticed, or maybe even that your family and loved ones have noticed, from the changes you've made? 

Sonja (Guest)

Currently, we are in a transition point. I left my last job and I'm planning to start a new position next year, and so I took this gap year, which is unheard of in my life. It is unheard of to take a break and just be and just play with my kids. 

I'm also doing things I'd never do.

I care about plants, I am gardening, I am writing. 

I guess this creativity is flowing out of me that was always there. It was just suppressed, and it was too scared to come out because, unaware, Sonja was conforming to rules. 

Arpita (Host)

Yeah, you didn't have the awareness, right? I think that's amazing just to see like we all have this desire to want to dream and create and have the potential to do it. But again, we get kind of caught up in that day to day and we lose the ability to have insight and perspective on what's going on when we become that human, that person. 

And so, it really takes that pause and the intentionality to say I'm going to take a breath and I'm going to just look and reflect and decide that I don't have to react or respond in this way, I don't have to think this way, I don't have to believe this belief that I have because it's not serving me anymore.

And that is where I think the gradual evolution becomes. 

When we start to do it, we start to notice that oh yeah, I've been thinking this the whole time, and I actually don't have to. I can choose a different way. 

That's kind of what is the incentive to keep doing it, to keep wanting to explore. 

It's amazing what we create, the potential that we can tap into when we actually just slow it down for a minute and think about what's going on and what we can let go of and what we want to bring on. 

I want to ask you, just being cognizant of the time, I want to ask you now what do you do daily or weekly or what’s your routine to help maintain your awareness and these positive changes that you've implemented? 

Like, if you look back to where you were then and where you are now and what you're doing on a consistent basis, what are those things? 

Sonja (Guest)

So, like I had touched on. It's continually checking in with myself on what my needs are, what's going on inside my body. It is starting the day with time for self-reflection day with time for self-reflection. 

It is having a very clear intention in everything I'm doing. I know why I am doing what I am doing all the time. Now, in a way, what I'm giving my energy to is a lot clearer to me and I make room for nothing. 

I make room for emptiness, for other things to fall in that would never fall in if I'm so busy. 

And, yeah, holding my fear, recognizing it's there, it's evolutionarily imprinted into my brain, but not allowing it to dictate how I'm living, what I'm doing so good. 

And by no means to anyone listening, is this perfect? Am I successful all the time? Not at all, but I definitely, definitely try to do me instead of the me that I thought I should be. 

Arpita (Host)

Yeah, I'm glad you said that, that there is no perfectionism to this work, just like that falsehood of perfectionism anywhere in our life really is the kind of mirage that we're creating for ourselves. 

But with this work it's the continual growth of recognizing. Oh okay, I really actually didn't have the awareness there about this. I was just kind of going through the motions or doing what the imprinted pattern is without really realizing that it's not in alignment with what I want to do with my inner knowing. 

Sonja (Guest)

One thing that just came up to help show the audience. You know, my complete lack of awareness, despite being a medical professional and constantly, you know, talking about trauma and childhood experiences. It did not occur to me until age 34, everyone, that I had trauma. 

There was no acknowledgement of that in my mind and now the subconscious I have to learn from to make conscious is bigger and bigger as my awareness grows. There's more and more. 

Arpita (Host)

Yeah, that's a very good point. 

And we're actually going to be diving into that in the next couple of episodes because, like you, I swear we're twins. But I think this is actually common for the majority of people is that we have traumas, and they can be big traumas or little traumas in our past, that kind of mold, who we are today with regards to how we react to things, to situations. And starting to kind of understand that is the key to really noticing why we are the way we are and that's what lets us then decide that we don't need to be ashamed about it. 

We can actually grow from it and then use that to our benefit to give ourselves compassion and love for making that change. You know, and if you can't do that first, it's hard to make the change. You probably can do it, but it's very difficult, so there's easier ways to do it. 

Sonja (Guest)

A way this came up for me, Arpita, I always knew I wanted to be a doctor. I knew how much I liked helping others feel well. But now, as I'm digging into the true me, digging through the childhood me, I think I became a doctor to protect my family, to save my family and the stuff that happened in my childhood that totally guided me. 

There's no question to my career, and it is only now that I'm realizing this archetypal pattern. 

Arpita (Host)

Yeah, it's a way of your brain maybe subconsciously noticing it like left brain silo, where we've compartmentalized the traumas that we've had, that our ancestors have had, and how we're going to try to counteract that or prevent that from happening in the future too. 

It's funny. The title of this episode is I'm Not Angry, You're Angry, and I want to just tell a quick story before we leave. When Sonja and I started coaching, she was like I want to coach with you, but I don't I don't really need the anger staff, I just want to coach with you for other things.

And I was like okay, and we started I think it was in our second or third session together. She started telling me about this little situation in her household with a family member and it was kind of comical because immediately she was telling me about how pissed off, she was about this and how it was so irritating to her and she was like, “Oh my God, I am angry.” 

And that's kind of why I titled this episode I'm Not Angry, You're Angry, because part of this is just not even having that awareness. When we have any emotion, including anger, we don't have the awareness around it because we're not tuned into it. 

Sonja (Guest)

Culture, family, especially as a woman, taught me, you cannot be angry. And so here I am in my adult world, living my life, not even recognizing my anger, my adult world, living my life, not even recognizing my anger. And so that's right. As we bottle it down, it's going to come up in totally unexpected, undesired ways. 

Arpita (Host)

Right, oftentimes misdirected, oftentimes out of proportion to what it needs to be. And so that's part of the doing this work is just starting to have that awareness around, oh hey, it's okay. I actually was angry here and it's okay, it makes sense and we're going to understand it a little bit more so I can maybe not be that reactionary next time. 

Sonja (Guest)

So, I want to share one sentence that you said to me that really helped calm down my inner battle and self-judgment. 

You said something like “Sonja, you're not bad for having these thoughts, you're not bad.” 

And that was showing me how much I was identifying myself with my thoughts and needing to learn, you know, first to separate my thoughts from my emotions and learning that I am, neither I am this mystical, magical creature above that. 

Arpita (Host)

100%. Right. 

Because we think our thoughts are exactly what we are, who we are, and when we start to have the awareness that we can actually choose something different if we want to, that's gold right, and whatever we're having is not bad. 

Whatever the thoughts we're having, the negative thoughts we're having about ourselves, or other people is not bad, because that's our primitive brain doing its job, trying to keep us safe, protecting us in some manner, based on things that it knows from the past. 

Sonja (Guest)

Right. Without your awareness, you're not aware of your choices, and the higher your awareness level, the more choices you have. 

Arpita (Host)

So so true. Well, I love that you agreed to talk to our people today just to share it. It's on a higher level. Honestly, I think this episode, in terms of talking about awareness because we are very complex human beings, we have the capacity to do things that we may not even realize we can do. 

And that's part of what this work is about. I want to say there are certain people, when you work as a coach with clients, you can pick up which clients have a knack for it in a sense. 

And Sonja was one of my clients like that, where you could tell that the awareness and the amount of intensity and in-depth work, she was wanting to do on herself is what actually promoted and led to the growth that she did have, so much so that she is now also studying a program to do coaching. 

Sonja (Guest)

That's another thing in my year of no doing, I'm doing another, you know, fun, creative side, soul supporting project. 

Arpita (Host)

So doing that, like having that ability to say I love this, I want to do this, and I want to help others, and that's kind of what she's incorporating also in her life. So, I want to say thank you, Sonja, for coming on today to tell people your perspective, what you saw where you were before and where you are now. And tell our audience a little bit about what you're doing and, if they want to reach out to you, how they can reach you and all the things. 

Sonja (Guest)

First, I just want to say everything you need is inside of you. Everything is there, every single thing is there. The work is listening to it, tuning into it, trusting it, allowing it to guide your life. And so I am, like Arpita mentioned, doing my own coaching certification and in the meantime, I'm building a support group. Currently, right now, it's a support group type, as I build kind of the coaching thing I want to do. 

I don't even know what I want to call it, but you'll figure it out from my heart, and it's speaking to women who have worked so hard to create a life that they're not enjoying and not knowing why. To women who live with a deep sense of unease without having a clue of where it's coming from. It's too early to verbalize it yet. I don't know which direction it's going.

Arpita (Host)

Okay, well, we'll keep in touch. She's doing amazing things and she's going to be offering that to her people when she's ready, and I'm just excited that you had the awareness to say this is something that resonated with you as well, and you're offering to give it back, and any human who gets to work with you and you're amazingly soft and gentle and lovey self is just a lovely thing. 

Well, thank you, my dear. I appreciate you coming on and I hope our guests got to see maybe a glimmer of how awareness is super important in the life of each and every one of us, and I look forward to maybe talking to you again more later about something else. 

Sonja (Guest)

I can't wait. 

Arpita (Host)

All right, take care. 

Sonja (Guest)

Bye, Arpita!

I hope you enjoyed today's episode of From Pissed Off to Poised. Remember, transformation is a journey, not a destination, so enjoy the ride. Don't forget to subscribe, rate and review from Pissed Off to Poised on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback supports my mission to get this podcast out to help other women, physicians and professionals like you on their path to creating a more peaceful life with more intention and more joy. I enjoy reading every message I get with your input and feedback on my journey, so keep them coming and if you have a friend who might enjoy the listen, please share this episode and show with them. 

Lastly, if you want to learn more about my coaching programs and course offerings, check out my website at www.thoughtworkmd.com. Feel free to reach out to me to learn more about investing in yourself through one-to-one coaching so you can start living the life you've always wanted. 

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Life coaching is not a substitute for therapy or medical treatment.