The Q&A Files
The Q&A Files drops A Wellness Explosion
💥 BOOM! Attention Wellness Warriors. The game changer you have been waiting for is finally here. Say hello to “The Q&A Files,” where wellness meets revolution and your questions lead to new discoveries. Spearheaded by Trisha Jamison, your host, a Board Certified Functional Nutritionist. Cohost Dr. Jeff Jamison, a Board Certified Family Physician, and featured guest, Tony Overbay, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. This podcast blends three diverse perspectives to tackle your questions on health, nutrition, medicine, mental wellness, and relationships. Dive into a world of expert insights and actionable advice, all sparked by your curiosity. Tune in, ignite your wellness journey, and join the Wellness Warrior community.
The Q&A Files
45. Overcoming Self-Blame: Embracing Self-Compassion for Better Relationships and Personal Growth. Sadie's question.
Welcome Friends and wellness warriors to another thought provoking podcast! We are so happy you are here!
Is self-blame sabotaging your happiness? Discover how shifting from self-blame to self-compassion can transform your life and relationships. Join us as we explore Sadie's insightful question about the impact of self-blame on personal and professional boundaries. We delve into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) with Tony, who provides valuable strategies for reframing perceived failures as experiences and breaking free from familial patterns of blame. Our discussion emphasizes questioning our assumptions about fault and how fostering self-acceptance can lead to newfound personal confidence.
In the second half of our conversation, Dr. Jeff shares wisdom on navigating self-criticism and the power of observation over judgment. Learn how aligning your actions with personal values can help you move forward, even in the face of uncertainty. We highlight the emotional cost of prioritizing others over oneself and the importance of reclaiming personal desires to lead a fulfilling life. Through engaging anecdotes, we illustrate how small, intentional acts of self-care can recharge your mental and emotional well-being, benefiting both your personal and professional life.
Questions? Email us at trishajamisoncoaching@gmail.com!
Hello and welcome to the Q&A File, the ultimate health and wellness playground. I'm your host, tricia Jamieson, a board-certified functional nutritionist and lifestyle practitioner, ready to lead you through a world of health discoveries. Here we dive into a tapestry of disease prevention, to nutrition, exercise, mental health and building strong relationships, all spiced with diverse perspectives. It's not just a podcast, it's a celebration of health, packed with insights and a twist of fun. Welcome aboard the Q&A Files, where your questions ignite our vibrant discussions and lead to a brighter you. Welcome back to another episode of the Q&Y Files. I'm your host, trisha Jamieson, and again I'm here with Dr Jeff and Tony.
Speaker 1:Today we're exploring another question that touches on something so many of us face breaking free from a mindset of self-blame and shifting into a healthier, more empowering way of thinking. This is from Sadie. Sadie reached out with a question that I think will resonate with a lot of people, especially those who have spent years feeling like everything is their fault. Her question goes a bit deeper. She wonders how this mindset can affect other relationships and even impact us professionally. I think we're all going to find something very valuable in unpacking this one, so let's dive right in. So Sadie's question is how do we start shifting our mindset from always feeling like everything is our fault, especially after years of living this way, and how does that mindset impact others' relationship, including our career?
Speaker 1:Sadie, I think this is such an important question and it's something many people struggle with, especially after being in relationships or environments where they're constantly blamed or manipulated into taking responsibility for things that aren't really theirs to own. So I think when we're used to feeling like it's always our fault, it can become a mental pattern that sweeps into other parts of our lives, showing up in our friendships, our family relationships and even our careers, and I think this pattern of self-blame can make it even harder to set boundaries and advocate for ourselves or even recognize our self-worth. So one of the first steps that I was thinking about when I heard your question is shifting this mindset to practice of self-compassion and taking a moment to stop and ask questions like is this really my fault? Just kind of like on our previous episode we were talking about taking a moment and asking some questions this is going to be so important and is this truly my responsibility? These questions can really retrain your mind to recognize when we're falling into that habit of self-blame and gently redirect ourselves towards self-acceptance. So I think over time the shift can really help build a healthy relationship and a stronger, more confident sense of self. So those are kind of some thoughts that I was thinking about.
Speaker 1:What are some things that you, tony, and Dr Jeff have?
Speaker 2:Oh, I was going to. I really are you okay if I go first? Dr Jeff, okay, I love what you said about self-compassion. I've been reading this work from Kristen Neff about self-compassion a lot lately, and and that because it fits in so well with the therapy model I love of acceptance and commitment, therapy which starts from that. You're the only version of you going through life for the first time.
Speaker 2:So I a couple of thoughts real quick.
Speaker 2:Here is one I think that I still struggle a little bit with the, even the concept of it's my fault, like there has to be this blame on somebody versus that that happened and and so I just think as an adult that's a little bit easier to start to understand.
Speaker 2:One of my sessions this morning we we basically jokingly went through just the. The woman just kept repeating this over and over. She's like okay, it just is that happened and cause she typically takes the blame, and then that leads to things like perfectionism, because now I feel like I have to do everything right because I don't want to do it wrong, and that it just feeds back into that black and white mentality, that all or nothing mentality versus the. This is the first time I've ever been me in this situation and that just happened. And so then now, what do we do about it? Which is just, I think that is such a healthier place to be. So then, when somebody says, oh, I'm so disappointed in you that you did that, well, if I know that I did it because it happened now and I worry that I've started sounding like I need to have the ponytail and the yoga mat and I need to be on top of some hill.
Speaker 3:You're never going to have a ponytail. I'm not.
Speaker 2:Dr Jeff, I'm really not. I've even looked on Amazon. They really don't have anything that I can even tack on there, you know.
Speaker 3:Yeah, glue-ons just don't look good. No, I don't think it will. Maybe one of those hats.
Speaker 1:You wore a hat with a hair.
Speaker 2:I did. Yeah, I did have a hair hat. It looked all right. I think Guy Fieri from the Food Network, I really looked like him a lot.
Speaker 2:Oh, there you go. But on that vein though, it just kind of is. And so if I know that I am okay as I am and this is the first time I'm going through life and I just did what I did because I was trying, I was doing whatever I thought was best and someone else is disappointed, then that must be frustrating for them to be disappointed. Tell me more about that. But I know it takes a lot to get to that point. But I'll just throw one more piece into there, and that's the part where if the person typically is the one that takes the blame, I would imagine that was most likely their role in their family system. So it's and I, like Tricia you kind of talking about, it's almost like that's the those deeply run to neuro pathways of of that. Okay, I'm the one that typically you know the family system.
Speaker 2:Somebody would diffuse the anger or the anxiety into the family system and then who's going to pick it up? You know, and typically it's probably the person that asks, sadie, that asks the question, and I think so many people realize and I think this is where I think you know, I watched my wife, who's an amazing stay-at-home mom, who was amazing. Then, when one of the kids had something happen. They forget something. It's too late for something whatever. She picks it up and then handles it and helps them deliver something successfully. But then the kids now they don't go. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much, mom, you're my hero.
Speaker 1:Why is that?
Speaker 2:They're moving on. I think there's some deep psychology there where it's like, I think sometimes right, they've got the shame or embarrassment that they forgot to do, whatever it is anyway. They forgot their lunch, they forgot to take their medication, they forgot about the project and rather than just owning it because they're kids and every kid, by definition, is kind of a little narcissist a little- egotistical, but then little egotistical that then at that point then they're so angry, and so then what does mom do?
Speaker 2:I can diffuse that anger. I can then help them stay up all night and do the project and then deliver it. But now the kid just feels better, so they don't want to have to deal with the fact that they they caused mom to stay up all night and work with the project, and so I think that that you know that whole dynamic is is interesting, I was going to say immature. They both start with an I.
Speaker 1:Interesting. Well, that's a good way to share that.
Speaker 3:Well, I think the whole everything is my fault mindset puts a person in a place where they also have a difficult time making their own decisions because they're worried about and I think this is an uncharted consequence of being the peace giver is that sometimes your ability to decide between maybe two good things, and one of the things that comes out is you start shoulding on yourself Should I do this, should I do that? Shoulding on yourself, should I do this, should I do that? And if you make a mistake, that somehow you're even worse and it's my fault again, you get into this loop where you can't even function. And so I really love your suggestion on going into the accountability and commitment therapy piece, because if you could just recognize that you do this and go yep, I'm wanting to do this, but I need to do something more valuable right now than to worry about this problem or to decide this thing, and I'm going to go do something that's more important to me right now, but that thought you come along with and I'll do it Come along with, and?
Speaker 3:while I'm doing it, I love that thought and I like it better than the CBT method of just pushing down the thought and saying that it isn't there, because they tend to come back with a vengeance later and you never really change them.
Speaker 1:Well, another thing that's really important is you want to have all parts of the brain that is pushing against a change turn green. You want to have the goal, and so if you're telling that part of your brain to come along with me, you're not pushing it down, saying no, I can't right now, I can't listen to you, and so your brain is more apt to make that shift in that change of hey, okay, this doesn't feel like such a threat. This feels like something I can do because I'm not pushing everything away. I'm like, okay, let's come with me and let's see where this takes us. And I'm going to still accept all these different things, but I'm going to just, I like this direction a little bit better. I'm going to just, you know, I like this direction a little bit better. I'm going to just try this for fun.
Speaker 3:And if a person wants to know more about the whole ACT thought process and how to work it for yourself, a good book for this is the Confidence Gap by Russ Harris, and I would suggest just picking it up on, you know, on Amazon or Audible. It's a very good source to try and get you to understand how to make this work for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because, like what Trish is saying is that we have a thought and then we like we the what's wrong with me? Thought, and then we fuse to it, this cognitive fusion, and then it just we're enmeshed with it. It becomes part of who we are. We are bad, we did bad, who we are, we are bad, we did bad. And then one of the things that ACT first really talks about is like noticing that we have a lot of thoughts and feelings. And so then I am Tony, but I am noticing that I am having the thought that I am bad. Like that's fascinating, because then I can take a look at it and say, in this context, why is it that I'm feeling this way? Because I'm having a lot of thoughts, which is part of that. I can bring it along with me.
Speaker 2:And also what Trish is saying that's so good is is that I'm going to start moving a little bit more toward the direction that feels more in alignment with, maybe, my values. And then my brain is still going to say, but what if? What if this is the wrong thing? Then? And we learn how to have a dialogue with our brain and like, well, that would be interesting. So, anyway, come along, we'll see.
Speaker 2:And it's like, but what if somebody gets mad at you? Well then, that would be also another thing too, and we'll see. But come along with me. And it's about continually doing, because you will learn as you do and we get paralyzed by it, but I don't want to do the wrong thing. And then it's like there has to almost be an acceptance that we're just going to do and we'll figure out what it is that. And again, that's such a hindsight principle, because if it goes well, then everybody said, oh, you did the right thing. But if one person in the group didn't like what you did and they're like, I don't like what you did, then oh my gosh, I thought I did the right thing.
Speaker 1:But this guy said this then now I did the wrong thing, I just did a thing, I just did the thing, that's what I did, and it's just being observant, yeah, allowing yourself to just be aware, and I think sometimes it's so hard to do that because you just there's so much judgment all the time, totally, and we are so hard on ourselves and we just are constantly judging the things we're doing wrong, or you know, that's why I like to start with celebrations, because that's the one thing that we can focus on doing.
Speaker 2:Well, I don't do them very well. What's wrong with me?
Speaker 1:I'm kidding, I'm going to get it out of you though, but yeah, I think that that's those are. Those are some things to think about as well. Yeah, excellent, very good, dr Jeff, I have a question for you so from a health perspective.
Speaker 3:Do you see physical or emotional impacts in your patients who have struggled with this mindset of feeling blamed?
Speaker 3:Yes, I think there's a lot of you know cost to the people that take the blame for things and they lose sight of their own desires and feelings and they sacrifice them for the quote greater good air quote, and sometimes that goes so far that they lose themselves entirely, far that they lose themselves entirely and being able to scratch their way back to their own personal who they are and what they want to do. It's a challenge for many of my patients, and one of the things for me personally is that there are times that I have sacrificed my own desires for what I want to do for myself, to try and take care of other people when it comes to medically or otherwise, and sometimes I don't do what I need to do to make sure that I'm taken care of, what I need to do to make sure that I'm taken care of, and so it happens there's a cost in being the person who accepts that role of the fixer or the person that is the acceptor of consequences for other people's actions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I like that, jeff, because I think the older I get too and not that I'm trying to go doom and gloom, but you start realizing, man, every moment is pretty precious. And so then, where I like the concept of a waste of emotional calories or energy spent trying to manage someone else's emotions, their anxiety, their experience is literally like a time that I'm not living my very best life or letting my own light so shine, and I think that that's really difficult.
Speaker 3:And taking a minute to be able to realize that when you're doing, that is the thing. Sometimes you just get caught up in what you're doing so much that you don't even realize that you're letting your own needs slide or you're not getting your own needs met, and a lot of those needs just need to be addressed. You need to go get some exercise.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you got to stop eating junk, because that's the only food you can eat, because you took so much time not taking care of yourself and you're taking care of somebody else, so you eat the wrong foods or you don't take time to rest properly, or you don't. I don't know how that works. Anyway, so you know, there's so many things that you can just get caught up in that you forget to take care of you. So take care of yourselves too. Everyone, that's right.
Speaker 1:Well, it's interesting that you brought that up, jeff, because I think that so often. I think, with the two of you especially, I think your focus are clients, patients, your family, and I think that you I'm speaking for just what I recognize from stories that I've heard and Dr Jeff living here, that I've heard and Dr Jeff living here, but I think it's true you know when you're in a profession that your focus is your people and you're trying to help them and you are the fixer and you have that responsibility that you do lose sight of your own self and your own needs. And just even this last weekend, jeff went to take our car back to one of our daughters and he was so excited I mean it was like a fast and furious 24 hours he drove to Utah, flew home, I mean it was, was it even less than 24 hours? But he was so excited because he got to be in the car by himself, listen to whatever he wanted to listen to, even though it was taxing on him. He just loved it.
Speaker 1:And I think sometimes you, just you know you got to look at what you're willing to give up for the greater good, because it's going to be so much helpful for you later and I think this whole week. You know, last week he was really struggling, he was having a hard time, kind of, with even our teenage son and so he just needed a reset, take a little bit of a break, and he's been amazing this, you know, the last few days. And so I think sometimes we just need to recognize I need this for me and I think sometimes you guys don't do that very often.
Speaker 3:That's true and that's one of the things I had to realize, because we had in this scenario. I had several other things that were opportunities for me this weekend, this best weekend, and they were all for other people's betterment and I went wait a minute, I can do two things here. I can deliver a car that needs to be taken care of and I can get this extra time to myself and a little recharge that us introverts who have to act like extroverts all the time. That way it really helped me improve my personal well-being.
Speaker 2:So you have to take a minute and go.
Speaker 3:I got to do it, Go ahead. And also what I heard there was Tricia says to take a minute and go.
Speaker 2:I got to do it, Go ahead. And also what I heard there was Tricia says hey, every now and again it's good to have Dr Jeff leave. I'm kidding, that's right. You said it so nice though, tricia.
Speaker 1:I did say it nice. I actually did my own little self-care that evening and it was fun. Our son went on. He went my own little self-care that evening and it was fun. Our son went on, he went to a dance, and so I kind of was. I had a moment to myself too, so that was really fun.
Speaker 3:Well, this has been great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you so much, sadie, for asking such a meaningful question. Breaking free from a mindset of self-blame is a process, but with intentional steps and self-compassion it's absolutely possible. This change not only helps you build a stronger you, but a healthy relationship, but can also lead to a more fulfilling, balanced career and life. So by practicing self-compassion, asking ourselves what's truly our responsibility and letting go of that weight, we can step into a more empowered version of ourselves. So thanks again to Dr Jeff and Tony for sharing their insights today, and a special thank you again for Sadie for inspiring this episode. If today's topic resonated with you, we'd love to hear from you.
Speaker 1:If you have a question about relationships, mental health, nutrition and wellness, the Q&A files is here for you. So send your questions to triciajamiesoncoaching at gmailcom and you might hear it featured in an upcoming episode. So take care, everyone, and remember self-compassion is a powerful tool for change. So we'll see you next time. Bye-bye, bye. Thanks for tuning in to the Q&A files, delighted to share today's gems of wisdom with you. Your questions light up our show, fueling the engaging dialogues that make our community extra special. Keep sending your questions to trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom. Your curiosity is our compass. Please hit subscribe, spread the word and let's grow the circle of insight and community together. I'm Trisha Jameson signing off. Stay curious, keep thriving and keep smiling, and I'll catch you on the next episode.
