The Q&A Files
The Q&A Files drops A Wellness Explosion
💥 BOOM! Attention Wellness Warriors. The game changer you have been waiting for is finally here. Say hello to “The Q&A Files,” where wellness meets revolution and your questions lead to new discoveries. Spearheaded by Trisha Jamison, your host, a Board Certified Functional Nutritionist. Cohost Dr. Jeff Jamison, a Board Certified Family Physician, and featured guest, Tony Overbay, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. This podcast blends three diverse perspectives to tackle your questions on health, nutrition, medicine, mental wellness, and relationships. Dive into a world of expert insights and actionable advice, all sparked by your curiosity. Tune in, ignite your wellness journey, and join the Wellness Warrior community.
The Q&A Files
54. Choosing Love Every Day: Insights from Hannah and Cody, Part 2.
Have you ever wondered if portraying a facade on dating apps could be holding you back from finding true love? Tune into this week's episode of the Q&A Files, where we sit down with newlyweds Hannah and Cody Benefil. They share their heartfelt journey through the world of online dating, offering insights on the importance of authenticity when swiping and matching. By being true to themselves, even at the cost of fewer matches, Hannah and Cody found a deeper connection that transcends the superficiality often present in dating app culture.
We'll explore how the dating app Hinge can be a game-changer, allowing users to express their personalities through unique features like voice recordings and creative prompts. Cody reveals how his playful take on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme attracted Hannah, proving that humor and authenticity can indeed lead to finding the right match. Beyond the initial connection, the couple shares how they nurture their bond with simple yet meaningful rituals, like grocery shopping together and enjoying sweet treats, creating a foundation of teamwork and shared experiences.
Communication plays a pivotal role in any relationship, and Hannah and Cody are no exception. They offer a refreshing perspective on expressing emotions with empathy and clarity, addressing the challenges of different communication styles. As they navigate their demanding career paths, the couple emphasizes the importance of gratitude, intentional choices, and daily affirmations of love to keep the spark alive. Join us as we uncover the secrets of choosing love every day, and learn how these mindful practices can reignite the magic in any relationship. Remember, "Love isn't just a feeling, it is something we choose." -Trisha Jamison.
"It's not about the nail" men/women communication video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Tony Overbay's 4 Pillars are: 1) Assuming good intentions, 2) Don't send the message of "you're wrong" or "I don't believe you," EVEN IF you think the other person is wrong, or you don't believe them, 3) Ask questions BEFORE making comments, and 4) Stay present, lean in, do all that you can to stay out of "victim mode."
Does this episode strike a chord? Do you have a question or a comment? If so, email us at trishajamisoncoaching@gmail.com. We want to hear from you!
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Hello and welcome to the Q&A File, the ultimate health and wellness playground. I'm your host, tricia Jamieson, a board-certified functional nutritionist and lifestyle practitioner, ready to lead you through a world of health discoveries. Here we dive into a tapestry of disease prevention to nutrition, exercise, mental health and building strong relationships, all spiced with diverse perspectives. It's not just a podcast, it's a celebration of health, packed with insights and a twist of fun. Welcome aboard the Q&A files, where your questions ignite our vibrant discussions and lead to a brighter you.
Speaker 1:Welcome back, wellness warriors, to part two of our special series, our Newlywed Love and holding on to your. Yes, if you haven't listened to part one yet, please go back and check it out. We had an incredible conversation with Hannah and Cody Benefill about their love story and the magic of those early days of marriage, but today we're taking things a step further because, while the beginning of a relationship is full of excitement, love doesn't always stay alive on its own. It takes intention, effort and the choice to keep showing up for each other, even in the middle of everyday life, whether you've been married for one year or 20,. This episode is all about keeping that spark alive, not just by waiting for love to feel magical, but by creating the magic together. So let's dive in and continue Hannah and Cody's love story. So, tony, are there any questions that you would like to ask Cody and Hannah?
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's one that I think. And the online dating thing is fascinating and yes, we didn't have computers back when we were, when we were all going through this, and you would send a carrier those old people, right, you would take the stage over that sort of thing. And what I think is really interesting is even when the I remember I've been doing this about 20 years and I remember early on, the advent of online dating was things like matchcom or these ones where you filled out a 30 page questionnaire and the magic was in the algorithm and it would match you and then, if they, you know, 90 percent of the couples then got married. And the world of online dating now and I am probably going to end this with, hey, kids, get off my lawn. Like an old man speech, but it seems like it's you know three pictures. You got to have one with a gold retriever wearing a bandana.
Speaker 2:You, it's you know three pictures. You got to have one with a gold retriever wearing a bandana. You got one by a waterfall holding your niece and you got like a movie quote and then that's all one puts out and you guys said something that was really I like when you were getting together and Hannah, you talked about not needing that first date energy, and but anyway, do you find I guess I'm wanting to make a statement and turn it into a question? So that might be the challenge, but it seems to me that this is where people show up and it almost is a recipe for immaturity for someone to figure out. Who do I need to be right now to get this person to like me, versus this is who I am, you know, and now I like you. So was that a challenge at all, or what is that? Do you see where I'm going with this?
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, I totally see where you're going with it. For sure and I feel like that's a problem that comes out in online dating is because you make these profiles and it's not necessarily who you are. Okay, right, you're trying to be the most popular and because there's an algorithm that goes with the dating apps and some people are more popular than others.
Speaker 3:You have to put on certain pictures or certain check certain boxes and so you're trying to portray this person that you'll get a lot of likes from people rather than who you are as a person. And I realized that if you want, you could go on a thousand dates with a thousand people with that kind of profile that's catered to popularity, but you're not going to find somebody that you click with from that. To be totally upfront and put who you are out there, and you might not get as many likes, you might not get as many matches, but those people that do end up swiping on you or choosing you or messaging you are going to be people that you know, choose you as you are and you don't have to put up this first day energy. That isn't you. It's facade. Facade, it's just who you are and that and that I think is.
Speaker 2:I mean, that's so important is that I, what I find in most couples and and I'm saying this is a it makes sense, nothing wrong with people that get into the relationship this way, but I got to figure out how to get this person to like me.
Speaker 2:So then I and I like giving this example of, uh, if let's just say the, the girl doesn't really enjoy sports. But the guy says I love sports, but she likes him, and I really believe it comes from a good place of her saying I mean, I don't, I don't not like sports, and I'm sure the more we get to know each other, the more I will like sports. So then if he says what sports do you like? And if she's like oh man, I boy, tell me, tell me what, what do you like? I mean, and I love that one too, and we're both almost like well, I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, and did you guys have any of those kind of vibes or cause? I think that's where couples go. And then now it's like oh, I got to pretend now that I'm I like sports, and at what point can I admit that I don't? But I like you, so I'm willing to learn.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean I love baseball, like I'm very passionate about baseball, I have a team so good at it, yeah, yeah we could play sometime. Um, but I love the dodgers and I just talk about it. My social media feed is inundated with dodgers media and news and updates on the season and everything, and so I follow it very religiously. But hannah didn't really play sports.
Speaker 1:She never had any interest in sports.
Speaker 3:She's very much violent. That is her specialty.
Speaker 2:Well, it's not like you said, violent cody, and I was like, oh, is she in the may?
Speaker 3:she is she's really violent. She's violent um violin. Violin so good at it but definitely sports was not a part of her world growing up, and so very different worlds that we come from in that perspective, and how was that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly what did you think when you hear about baseball? Did you have any part of you that said I am, I love baseball and thinking I must go figure out what this is?
Speaker 3:I must like the baseball.
Speaker 4:I mean I? I will say that I, yes, but not from like a point of like. I want him to like me, so I'm going to pretend like I like baseball. It was more so of like a. Wow, he's really into it, and that makes me curious about like why.
Speaker 2:I like that.
Speaker 4:And so I started. I don't know. He's also very good at explaining it and very like, patient and kind of like, having this teaching mentality of like. Okay, well, I'm going to help you understand it so you can enjoy it as well. And I will say that, like now, I am a genuine fan of baseball. I think one of the like, right after we got married and came back from our honeymoon, it was the Dodgers Yankees world series that was going on and Cody and I, two days before game one, bought tickets to the world Series, drove to LA and, like, just like, decided to go.
Speaker 3:Mind you, this was I wasn't the one who brought this up.
Speaker 4:It was my idea.
Speaker 3:She wanted to do it and I was like of course, it was her idea. Expensive. We don't have to drive down there. It's a lot of money and she's like we should just do it look how that impressed.
Speaker 1:You though it did, I was like wow she's investing in my passions. That is amazing yes, so I have a question. So what was it on both of your profiles that caught your eye?
Speaker 4:oh yeah, oh, on the hinge profile yeah, well, a cody is so cute, he's so handsome, but B his profile was hilarious. So how Hinge works is you can choose, you can select some photos. It's very flexible, which is what I really like about Hinge. I think some of the other dating apps kind of have like a more rigid like it is only like three pictures and you make a choice based off of that. But Hinge it's very versatile in like you can choose pictures. You can do like a off of that.
Speaker 4:But Hinge it's very versatile in like you can choose pictures you can do like a voice recording, so people who play instruments or sing, they can like put some of their talents on there. They also have prompts that you can answer and a whole bunch of different kinds of prompts. And so Cody's was so funny because he had three prompts in a row and the answer for each prompt was a continuation of the song from the prince of bel-air. And so like you didn't realize it from like the first prompt, like you were like this kid is kind of interesting, you know, just because it's like that very beginning, I don't know, do you know what?
Speaker 3:yeah, it was just. I chose. I made prompts that would go along with the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air song, which is like in west philadelphia born and raised on the playgrounds, where I spent most of my days and then it's it talks about how he got into a fight with a bunch of guys and so his aunt sent him to bel-air to be with his uncle and aunt, and then the end of the song is where he shows up in la and got into a taxi and made it to his aunt and uncle's place, and so it's very. If you read it and you don't know what Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is, you'd be like this guy is so weird.
Speaker 1:And it's not for you.
Speaker 3:It's not for you, and I think that's kind of what I was talking about.
Speaker 5:What a cool selection process you did.
Speaker 4:I thought it was so clever, I was so impressed, I was like I can tell that this guy doesn't take himself too seriously, but he's so intelligent, like that to me is like so funny and witty in and of itself that it indicates to me that he's very intelligent to be able to like think of that and put it together, choose the right prompts for the answers, and I just loved that and I thought it was so funny and I just yeah, I had to say something.
Speaker 5:Okay, Cody, same question to you.
Speaker 1:Perfect, oh yes.
Speaker 3:Oh sorry. Yeah, I was just gonna say I was gonna go. It goes back to what Tony was talking about with. I've been on so many dates online before that I just was done meeting people that I didn't have a connection with, and so I'm just going to put myself out there. If someone understands these cultural references, if they like me, for me great, and I don't really care if I'm not going to get a lot of likes on this one and so. But she liked it, so you got the right like yes.
Speaker 1:Oh, that was beautiful, that was fun, thank you. So just another couple of questions. What small habits or traditions help you feel connected each other at night and for short periods at night.
Speaker 3:And so I think, doing the small things, like we need to get groceries hop in the car I'm going to pick you up, you know and we go to the grocery store together and spend, you know, 45 minutes perusing around Walmart, you know, and making jokes at the food that we find or the boxes. We see crazy, weird ads and it's just things like that, you know. Doing the things that you need to do anyways, but making a conscious decision to do it with your partner. It might be more inconvenient, honestly, to do it with them. However it's, it's going the extra mile and choosing to schedule time to do the little things with them that make memories and make them feel like they're wanted and that you guys are a team doing it together.
Speaker 1:Well, and I appreciate you sharing that, because I was just going to ask about grocery shopping and what do you do to make or making dinner and what do you do to turn that into something special. So you just shared that Fantastic. So, Hannah, what are some thoughts that you have about that?
Speaker 4:Well, I'll just say that Cody and I just like have our things and that's like so general and vague. But I feel like every couple over time just like develops things that are like inside jokes to them or things that they do. So, like Cody and I, our thing is sweet treats. So like we will try and get a sweet treat, if not every day, maybe every other day, and just like something super small. We'll like go down to McDonald's and get an ice cream cone, a soft serve ice cream cone. We love those, but like it's just our thing. So like at the end of a night or even in like during the middle of the day or after a hard day or whatever, we'll just like give each other the eye and we're like sweet treat, and then the other obviously always agrees sweet treat, and so like eye and we're like sweet treat, and then the other obviously always agrees sweet treat, and so like we just have like little things that we've like developed that we love.
Speaker 4:Another thing is we just think some some of the like online memes and reels are so funny and so we'll just send them to one another and then we can like laugh about it, cause those aren't things that we necessarily need to do together, but we will have seen the same media.
Speaker 4:Because of that, and because we have seen the same things, we can talk about them or laugh about them or reference them in an inside joke next week or whatever it is. And so we just have like the little things that we can do to stay connected throughout the day. Like we'll send things to each other that remind us of the other. We'll like send little texts throughout the day, checking in on each other. We both have kind of long commutes and so we'll call each other during those commutes, even though we're about to see, like we're heading, driving literally to see each other. Right, then We'll just hop on the phone and just like talk to each other during our commutes. And, yeah, like going to bed together, when we can waking up together, when we can going to the gym together, like that's something that helps us both feel healthy and even though we're doing separate things, we're there together and then we end and we play basketball together at the end play might be a strong term.
Speaker 4:I don't really play basketball, but I'm going to shoot some hoops um and so yeah, just like the little things that are our things. I think we do those pretty consistently.
Speaker 1:I love that I love that Our things.
Speaker 5:So tell me a little bit, tell us about your current career directions and how you're balancing them in order to make those things work together. In order to make those things work together, because I think you probably have different or even maybe opposing career paths that might at some point make a problem.
Speaker 3:Not anymore. Well, yeah, well, there's.
Speaker 5:You know, cody did make the sacrifice of saying, okay, I'm going to choose Hannah over medical school, which, as a doctor, I can say great choice. Medical school and medical profession is really hard, so yeah. So tell us what you're doing now.
Speaker 1:He's got something exciting.
Speaker 3:Yeah well, I don't know if I chose something a lot better for the work-life balance, but I have decided to do a jdmba program and so gonna also be an attorney jdmba yes, yes, oh boy, I know I was looking at mdmba programs and I was like I'll just keep the mba in there.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I, I do okay so wait a minute for our listeners. What does that stand for?
Speaker 3:oh, jurist, juris Doctorate and Master of Business Administration, and so pretty much it's just law and business, and so I've always wanted to get an MBA. Anyways, studied international business at school and since I'm not doing medicine now. She's currently in law school Last year. She's going to be headed out to New York soon for her job in big law, and so that's going to be very time.
Speaker 1:And when does she leave.
Speaker 4:Hannah, when do you leave? Yeah, so I'll start this fall, so probably August or September.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I currently am working as a paralegal at Affirm Salt Lake and so I'm starting that law journey and will be applying this fall to schools, and so, honestly, people might think that it's because you're on a similar career path that it'll be better. It might just be really bad, considering how many hours we'll have to be working. But we'll be doing. We'll be working at the same times, it's going to be similar schedules and something that we're both passionate about. So we have conversations about the law and everything going on all the time.
Speaker 5:Yes.
Speaker 3:But I think that is something that's going to be difficult going forward, considering the time constraints.
Speaker 1:Well, the thing is is that you, you know that and you can plan for it, and you can prepare for it, and so that's going to make a big difference for the two of you, and you guys are just dynamite. Hannah, what kind of law are you going to be working in?
Speaker 4:So I'm going to do corporate law, so I'm thinking capital markets or finance. I have a accounting master's of accounting background and so I really love business of accounting background and so I really love business similar to Cody, anyway and so, yeah, so I'll be going into transactional law and going to a New York firm, and the reason I kind of want to go to New York is they just have exceptional training out there in the legal and also the business financial world. So kind of want to go there, start out there and we'll see where we go from there, cause Cody will have to go to school somewhere and so we're looking at various geographic locations for that and considering that as well. So, yeah, but that's, that's what I'm planning to go into.
Speaker 1:And Cody, you're planning on heading to New York with her in August or you stay where. Yeah, that's, that's the question that still stands.
Speaker 3:Okay, we're deciding Either she goes out there and I, you know, stay here, or I go out there at the end of the year. We're still trying to figure it out.
Speaker 1:But definitely yeah. So that is going to be challenging. It's going to be interesting.
Speaker 3:It's not the most linear path, for sure.
Speaker 1:It never is.
Speaker 3:It never, is it never?
Speaker 1:is it never is. Yeah, okay, I just have a couple other questions. So what's one weird or unexpected thing you've learned about each other since getting married, so we're going to kind of go off a little different path here.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you go.
Speaker 4:Whoa. I want to hear how weird I am. Oh goodness, that's a good question. Let me think for a second.
Speaker 3:Okay, I'll go. If you have an answer, yeah, Weird things about Hannah is that she doesn't know any pop culture references that I make.
Speaker 4:That's true.
Speaker 3:And so it's weird because, like with my friends or other people like I and like I grew up in a family where a lot of my siblings are older and so I know a lot of cultural pop references to things going back to the 70s, all the way up till now, and so I'll make references to things. I'll talk about things like hey, in the news, this thing just happened. You know, all my friends will be on the way and like we'll have conversations about it. I'll bring it up to hannah. She has no idea what I'm talking about ever. I'll reference a song, I'll reference a movie no idea but I hear you're a great teacher yeah, apparently.
Speaker 3:So I have a list of movies that I'm trying to show her, but it's getting so long. At this point, I think every every minute of free time we have is just going to be watching movies and listening to music. Um, but that's just a weird thing that I I think it honestly it's so funny at this point that I just love it that I get to, because there's that thing where you have the this knowledge of cultural references or something, and you just want to share it with them, and so you might not have it in common, but I can share it with you, and then we do have it in common, and so it's kind of fun to like what, what do you know, what do you not know, and and so it's fun to share the those things with each other. Well, yeah, that was. That was an interesting thing. I I realized I can't talk a lot about a lot of different things with you, so like, so now I can share it with you all right, all right, I thought of one, okay.
Speaker 4:So cody has this insane talent I don't know, is talent the right word? Maybe you can help me decide. Talent for seeing one picture from a geographical location and then knowing what that geographical location is, so like there's a guy's brain.
Speaker 4:Well, we were watching a movie like a rom-com you know those Hallmark rom-com movies and the only image that showed on the TV was this field and it had like a Christmas tree farm on it. So they weren't even like pine trees that were native to the land, like it was a pine tree farm with like a rolling grass hill, just like a grass hill, but behind it, excuse me. And Cody was like Hmm, that looks like Georgia. And then it pans to the city and it's Atlanta, georgia. And I was like how did you know that? And then he was like well, if you think that's cool, watch this. And then he like pulled up his app and it shows you just like a random street corner of a place anywhere in the world and he could identify where it was. He was like I think that's this spot, wow.
Speaker 3:That looks like Sweden to me.
Speaker 4:And he'd be right.
Speaker 1:And I was like you're a national international traveler.
Speaker 4:You know, anyway, but he just had like this knack for geography and just knowing where things are in the world and anyway, it's amazing, it's pretty cool. I think that that also ties into his love of traveling and seeing the world and experiencing all these different cultures. But I didn't know that part of that was knowing exactly where things are and what the land, the grass, looks like.
Speaker 3:I pride myself on that.
Speaker 1:That's impressive. I'm impressed. It's very impressive. It's weird. Can you do that? Can you do that, honey? No, maybe that's not a male brain. Weird, can you do that, honey? No, maybe that's not a male brain thing.
Speaker 3:He can do a lot more than me.
Speaker 5:I do other things, but that is not one of them.
Speaker 3:It's not a necessary skill, I will say it depends If you're traveling, you're going to want to know where you are at all times.
Speaker 1:That's a good point, okay. Are at all times, that's a good point, okay. So if you guys are having a disagreement, how do you go about having?
Speaker 4:that conflict resolution. What does that look like for the two of you? Great question. So I will say I'll throw myself under the bus and say that before we started dating, before we got married, like I just very much so never talked about my inner emotions or feelings with like anyone, Not because I was particularly being protective or secretive about them, but just because it wasn't something that I was used to. It wasn't something that I did.
Speaker 5:It didn't come up. Yeah, I did, it didn't come up.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, it just didn't come up. And then also, just like I felt like so many things were like, okay, well, I need to work on something and if I work on this then it will resolve the issue. So I just felt like a lot of it was internally something that I had to work on myself. And so when we got married and I kind of mentioned this, but even while we were dating, cody would always ask me like what are you thinking about? And like my mind is just constantly going, like I'm always thinking about something, and so I had to start getting used to just like answering that question Like what am I thinking? This is what I'm thinking about. And so I think, as we've gotten when we got married and as we've had more important and serious and like real conversations about some actual like conflicts and having to resolve those, it's been one of the harder things that I've had to get used to or do and just choose to do it.
Speaker 4:But I will say that one of the things that has helped the most is and Cody has helped with this is just like reframing why you're talking and like why I need to express what's inside of what I'm feeling, how things impact me all these things.
Speaker 4:And it's because we value our relationship, because I think in my mind I was like, oh, if I say this, value our relationship.
Speaker 4:Because I think in my mind I was like, oh, if I say this, like in my mind, I feel like it's going to negate to him, like how much I love him, or like all these things that are so good and happy and you know, all these great things about our marriage and our dating and all these things about our lives, like I feel like this one negative thing if I say it, it's going to negate them.
Speaker 4:And one thing that I've just had to get over is kind of shifting that mindset and that mentality to like, no, we're talking about this because we love each other and because we value our relationship coming first before any insecurities or before any conflicts. And that's why we need to talk about them is because we need to. We love each other enough to talk about the hard things and we love each other enough to have those conversations and to work through them so that we are better and stronger on the other side. And so I think for me it's been just like a lot of like making that mental shift in my mindset and I will just say, every single time we do, every single time we have the hard conversation, like it is so much relief, you know, and I'm like you're right, like I feel closer to you, like that was a very like vulnerable thing to do for me and very vulnerable conversation to have, but it's always better when we talk about it and when we resolve it and things like that.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, yeah, oh, that's fantastic.
Speaker 5:You know why us guys say what are you thinking? You know why we say that.
Speaker 4:Why.
Speaker 5:Because when we're saying that we're not thinking of anything and we don't know what to do. And we have this empty spot in our brain that we're going okay, now we got to keep the conversation going somehow, and I got nothing.
Speaker 1:I've got to quick think of something fast.
Speaker 5:And so if, if, hannah, you say that to Cody, Cody's going to have to rewind in his brain. Okay, did I even have something in my mind? I was thinking at the time. Is there something there at all? Oh, it's baseball, baseball. Okay, it was baseball. There you go, yes, yes, and so it's one of those things that if he says, oh, I'm not really thinking of anything, it's because he isn't.
Speaker 3:It's so true she marvels at the fact that I can say I'm not really thinking of anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah blows my mind. How does that? Even we can't even comprehend, what that even means. Yeah, cannot fathom.
Speaker 5:No, I like to think that a woman's brain is like a 10 lane each direction super highway with clover leaves everywhere, and a male brain is like a two-lane dirt road.
Speaker 1:No, it's a one-lane.
Speaker 5:Yeah, very positive.
Speaker 3:It goes one direction. It gets you where you need to go, you know, there you go, that's all you need.
Speaker 5:And what I mean by two lanes is that one's going one direction, one's going the other way, and so you're either going forward or you're going backward, and you're not really sure at any one moment what you're doing.
Speaker 1:So, Cody, do you have some thoughts about that question?
Speaker 3:I definitely would say so. I would say in previous relationships, I think the biggest thing for me was communication. Like I was not used to talking about my feelings or, you know, being open about them and being like forthcoming with it too, not just like when asked about it, then I'll talk about it, but like, hey, I'm having this thought, I could be totally wrong in how I interpreted this situation or anything, but I just need to bring it up to you so you can clarify with me, so we can talk about it. And so usually I'll initiate that with like hey, I noticed something's up, what's going on? Or if I have something going on, I usually bring it up there. It's just like, I think, with communication it's just don't be afraid of offending the other person, but say it in a way that you know that they love you. You know like, because I feel like, especially when you're dealing with something really hard and you feel like the other person's offended you or they did something to spite you, you have this feeling in your heart that you want to get back at them. But you have to, you know, take a step back.
Speaker 3:Third person perspective I still love this person. This person is so important to me. I would never want to hurt them. However, I still need to convey the importance of how I'm feeling in the situation to them. So how can I do that and phrase that? You know, and take, take a couple minutes and think about how do I want to phrase this in the heat of the moment, and I think that's kind of the biggest thing for me is how can I say this to Hannah in a way that she understands why I'm feeling this way and know that I'm not mad. I want to continue on in this journey with you, but how are we going to fix this together?
Speaker 4:And I think what he mentioned about the immediacy of addressing it is really important. So just like talking about it immediately, because I think sometimes, like I think something's too small to address in the moment, but we've talked about how, like there's no such thing, like there's no such thing as something, that's too small, so true. Talk about it immediately.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 4:And it just I don't know, because then it doesn't fester and it doesn't like grow into something bigger or something that it doesn't need to be, and then you can address it right then, and there and I think that that's really important is just talking about it immediately.
Speaker 5:Have you ever seen the video clip called it's Not About the Nail?
Speaker 3:Yes, yes.
Speaker 5:Totally. Go show her that sometime, cody, I will, I will, and that is something that kind of addresses this whole thing and the gist of it is that men and women communicate a little bit differently Well, okay, a lot differently and so being able to understand each other and what the other needs in that communication exchange, and this demonstrates it in a really funny way, but it also is really true. So go look up and maybe we'll put it in the show notes. Also a link to the YouTube video. It's not about the nail.
Speaker 1:And Hannah. See if you recognize the girl.
Speaker 4:Okay, I will.
Speaker 1:And you'll have to let us know if you recognize the girl.
Speaker 4:Okay, sounds good If you've seen a recent movie.
Speaker 1:She's in it.
Speaker 4:All right.
Speaker 3:I will say that's probably been the hardest thing for me is not trying to fix the problem, but rather just be there and listen and listen.
Speaker 1:How do?
Speaker 3:you feel? Yeah, listen, that's been really hard for me as a man.
Speaker 1:And I love what you said to pause. So, tony, if he was here, he would be talking about his four pillars of a connected conversation. So, jeff, do you want to just run through those just super fast.
Speaker 5:Oh gosh, you know we do them all the time, but I think that if you've got it in front of you, please just talk about it. So let's go ahead and just talk about it.
Speaker 1:The first one is to validate, and if you are having a conversation, you want to first of all give the person the benefit of the doubt, and it doesn't necessarily mean you're telling the person that they're right or wrong, you are just trying to. When you have that attitude, you are open, you are allowing yourself to be open by giving the person the benefit of the doubt. The second one is validating and to be curious. And so you again aren't telling the person that you're not telling them they're wrong, because so often that's a defense mechanism that we have and we want to quickly give our side. And so validating is you're listening. If somebody's like I'm really struggling with a certain behavior, you can help them by hey, I really appreciate you're really having a hard day today, but you're not necessarily saying that behavior is okay. It's your understanding, you're appreciating that they're struggling, they're having a hard time.
Speaker 1:The third is being curious and ask questions and the more that we can have curiosity and, hannah, you use that word a lot throughout this interview is you just really talked about being curious, staying curious, and if you can continue that, that's going to be really powerful in your marriage is to continue that curiosity. And then fourth is not to be a victim. Don't slam the door, don't stonewall. You want to make sure that you're present and you lean in, you lean into the relationship, even when it's uncomfortable. When you're uncomfortable, that means you're growing, that means you are allowing your spouse to be able to share things that are hard, but you're listening. And that pause is throughout all four of those steps.
Speaker 5:One of the things that I do, admittedly that's I talk about throwing myself under the bus like you did, anna, but what I do often, and sometimes I get myself in trouble doing it, and that's that I will say into myself.
Speaker 5:I don't want to bring that up or this thing because that's going to trigger or make Tricia mad or it's going to be something that she's not going to want to hear, and I don't want to talk about it because I'm uncomfortable with going through that process, and so I'm trying to manage her emotions and mine at the same time by just sort of not doing it, and that can be interpreted as I don't care about her feelings about it. I don't want to involve her in the conversation or the decision-making process. Don't want to involve her in the conversation or the decision-making process, then that can be interpreted in those many ways, but it can be also way better if you get to the bottom of it quickly. So I appreciate what you're saying about starting now, when there's even a little thing, just saying it so that it doesn't become a big thing.
Speaker 1:Because it will be a big thing, because we call that piggybacking. Yeah, so I've got two more questions. I know this has been so delightful to have you guys on. We've learned so much. You both are just so infectious. I just love how you just have so much like I said earlier, so much fun energy together and it's just been really great and I hope that our listeners have been able to feel that as well. But I've got just two more questions. So if you had to describe your partner using only three words, what would they be? And I want our listeners to be thinking about that same question about their partner. And is it different than what Cody and Hannah are going to be sharing?
Speaker 3:Great question, Three words. I'd say definitely self-determined.
Speaker 5:That's two words.
Speaker 3:Sorry.
Speaker 1:No, it's fine.
Speaker 3:I'm going to still go with self-determined, that's one she, she, just so she knows what she wants, she's she's gonna do that thing, she's gonna get that. And I just, I just love that, that direction, because I I need that in my life and so I need someone who is on that path and if we're gonna have a family together, then that means that we're gonna need that direction all together, especially when things get hard. But I love her honesty and I love that she is just such a kind person, like she doesn't have malice in her bones, uh, like genuinely. She might get mad at somebody for her being rude, but uh, but she just genuinely wants everybody to be happy. She just treats people with respect and that's something that I always look for in somebody and she just embodies kindness and truth and I love that about her.
Speaker 4:Thanks Okay, so I would say that kind is also on my list for Cody. He's just a very he cares about people you know and he makes it obvious and I think that when you're around him you can feel how much he loves you and cares about you. One of my favorite things to do is to be around Cody when he's around his nieces and nephews and his family and you can just like sense the love you know and you can see just like how kindly he he treats everyone around him and that's just very impressive to me. I would also say that he is authentic and I love that. He is so true to himself, he knows who he is and he knows what he loves.
Speaker 4:He knows that he doesn't like he knows what he wants to do, he knows. He just knows himself so well and he stays true to who he is through his entire life and I think that that has integrity in it, it has authenticity in it and it makes it. It makes it so easy for me to love him, you know, because I know exactly who he is and he just shows up as himself 100%. And then, lastly, he, he's very driven, I think. He, he goes out and he, he has all these. You know what?
Speaker 3:I'm changing that. He's very intelligent. I mean I love that he's driven. He's also driven. If I only get three words.
Speaker 4:I want to change it. He Because I think the intelligent, the drivenness, comes in with the intelligence, like he's very, very smart in so many ways I mentioned earlier from his hinge profile. He's so witty, but he's also very good at studying and getting what he wants and going after what he is going for in his life, and I think that's where the drivenness comes in. And he just has this emotional intelligence too, and so, just like in so many facets, he just has this intelligence that makes it fun to do life with him and to be with him and learn with him, and so he brings that natural curiosity and affinity towards learning, towards everything in our lives and in his, and it's really fun to be with him.
Speaker 3:I'm glad it's fun.
Speaker 1:Oh, you guys, this is so fun. This is so fun. Okay, so our last question is what would you like to leave with our listeners? That's one lasting thought that you both have.
Speaker 4:You know, I will just say that I'm sensitive to the fact that probably a lot of your listeners have had so much, so much more life experience than we have, and I just want to preface everything that we've said with that understanding.
Speaker 4:But I feel like probably the biggest thing that I want to leave is just like to stay grateful and to like just stay grateful for like the little moments and for the fact, like I, I'm just grateful every day that Cody chose me and you chose him, yeah, and I chose him and, like I just I'm so filled with gratitude for that, um, and I think, like sometimes it's easy to forget that, that gratefulness or that gratitude, but just like staying grateful for, for the little things and noticing the little ways that they show up and the little things that they do to tell you that they love you, and to just like sit in that gratitude, you know, and to be intentional and remembering and acknowledging and accepting those things. And yeah, I just, I don't know I'm very grateful for Cody and for our marriage and that he chooses me every day and that I choose him, and so I would just that would just be my last parting thoughts just to stay grateful for all the reasons that that you chose your spouse and continue to choose your spouse.
Speaker 5:Oh that's wonderful.
Speaker 1:That was so beautiful. All right, Cody, top that one.
Speaker 3:I can't. That's the problem. I was, yeah, beautiful. All right, cody top that one. I can't. That's the problem. Um, I will. Yeah, I also preface that we you know we're newlyweds like we do not have all these things with 20 kids running around the house and you know, crazy careers.
Speaker 3:I know someone one of your listeners might have 20 kids who knows um, but uh sorry and I in the future you know who knows, uh, how it will be but I think these principles are universal and if we ever want to stay strong, then these are things that we're gonna have to do. But I really think that for me, going forward, it's gonna be making the inconvenient choices. To put them first. Nice Kind of talked about it earlier. But you know, it might even be small, it might not even seem inconvenient to your partner, but there are things that in your day you're like I'd rather not do. That that's out of the way, that costs money, or I have to take time out of like 10 minutes, that I don't have to do this thing to make something special for them. Just do it, just.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Cookies might be 10 minutes out of your way, and what are you going to go do? Go get her that sweet treat.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're going to get a sweet treat. Yeah, I get it To sacrifice some of your time, make the inconvenient choices and occasionally do something that they're going to love. Do it together, and I think doing that consistently will show them that you are choosing them over everything else, and that will definitely help keep the love and the spark alive.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 5:Wonderful. I think that it's so cool. I mean, it really comes down to choosing each other. I love that.
Speaker 1:And that's the word that I love that you used is the together and gratitude. Those two words are just so powerful, jeff, do you have any thoughts that you'd like to end with?
Speaker 5:I just did. I think that these two young people are amazing. It's been my privilege to be a part of Cody's life for a really long time, both in our son's life and also just when he was looking into medical school. He spent some time with me working on you know if this was something he really wanted to do, and I'm grateful he made the choice. He did Medicine, I think is tough, and I'm grateful that he chose Hannah and not medicine. Okay, me too.
Speaker 1:Well, this has been such a fun and insightful conversation and we are so grateful to have the two of you here with us. It has been just a blast and I hope Ashley and anyone listening who feels that they've lost that early spark can take away some real hope and practical ideas. So here's our challenge to you We'd like you to find one way this week to reconnect with that version of the first said yes to your partner. Maybe it's looking at old photos recreating your first date, or simply taking a moment to tell them something you love about them. Whatever it is, be intentional about it and remember why you choose each other. So, no matter how long you've been married, you can always choose to fall in love again. The couple you were with when you said yes is still in there, and sometimes you just have to find them again. So, hannah and Cody, thank you so much for being here and sharing your love story with us. It's been again such a joy hearing about your journey and the ways you're holding onto that newlywed magic. And again to our listeners, if you love this episode, don't forget to subscribe, share it with a friend or please leave us a review. But, most importantly, take what you heard today and put it into action. Love isn't just a feeling. It's something we choose, something we nurture, something we create every single day. So again, don't forget.
Speaker 1:If you have questions or thoughts or suggestions for a future episode, we love to hear from you too. Send them at trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom. Until next time, take care and keep saying yes to love. Thanks for tuning in to the Q&A Files, delighted to share today's gems of wisdom with you. Your questions light up our show, fueling the engaging dialogues that make our community extra special. Keep sending your questions to trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom. Your curiosity is our compass. Please hit subscribe, spread the word and let's grow the circle of insight and community together. I'm Trisha Jameson, signing off. Stay curious, keep thriving and keep smiling, and I'll catch you on the next episode.
