The Q&A Files
The Q&A Files drops A Wellness Explosion
💥 BOOM! Attention Wellness Warriors. The game changer you have been waiting for is finally here. Say hello to “The Q&A Files,” where wellness meets revolution and your questions lead to new discoveries. Spearheaded by Trisha Jamison, your host, a Board Certified Functional Nutritionist. Cohost Dr. Jeff Jamison, a Board Certified Family Physician, and featured guest, Tony Overbay, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. This podcast blends three diverse perspectives to tackle your questions on health, nutrition, medicine, mental wellness, and relationships. Dive into a world of expert insights and actionable advice, all sparked by your curiosity. Tune in, ignite your wellness journey, and join the Wellness Warrior community.
The Q&A Files
65. The Safety of Second Chances: How True Partnership Heals Past Relationship Wounds; Part 2 with Craig and Tiffany Cherle
What makes a second marriage stronger than the first? For Tiffany and Craig Cherle, it's building a partnership where each person feels safe to be completely themselves.
In this heartfelt continuation of our conversation, they reveal something surprising about falling in love later in life: it often doesn't match our Hollywood expectations. Craig describes it as "more of a process" where his brain led more than his heart, while Tiffany questioned if she was even "loving right" after realizing her previous relationships confused love with rescue and overcompensation.
Their honesty about navigating relationship differences is refreshing. When Craig bought Tiffany an expensive diamond necklace early in their relationship, she had to find the courage to say it wasn't her style – a moment that revealed how both were learning to communicate authentically rather than just please each other. These small moments built the foundation for something deeper than their past relationships.
The couple shares practical wisdom about creating emotional safety. Craig learned that demanding immediate resolution to conflicts only creates more tension, while Tiffany discovered she could express needs without fear of explosive reactions. Their approach centers on speaking what they want clearly while giving each other space to process difficult conversations.
Perhaps most touching is how they've created genuine intimacy through everyday vulnerability – laughing about bathroom boundaries and learning what real partnership feels like. As Tiffany puts it, "It's not about me, because when you first get married it's like 'me, me, me, what did they do wrong?'" Now they understand it's about growing together while letting each person remain themselves.
Whether you're healing from heartbreak or seeking to strengthen your current relationship, this conversation offers hope that love can be better the second time around when built on maturity, communication, and genuine acceptance.
Do you have a question for our experts? Email us at trishajamisoncoaching@gmail.com! We love hearing from you!
Hello and welcome to the Q&A Files, the ultimate health and wellness playground. I'm your host, tricia Jamieson, a board-certified functional nutritionist and lifestyle practitioner, ready to lead you through a world of health discoveries. Here we dive into a tapestry of disease prevention, to nutrition, exercise, mental health and building strong relationships, all spiced with diverse perspectives. It's not just a podcast, it's a celebration of health, packed with insights and a twist of fun. Welcome aboard the Q&A Files, where your questions ignite our vibrant discussions and lead to a brighter you. Welcome back, wellness warriors.
Speaker 1:We did not know that we were going to do a three part series with Tiffany and Craig Shirley, but we're having so much fun with them that we could hardly stop. If you missed part one of this incredible and very insightful series with Tiffany and Craig, please go back and listen, because we uncovered some amazing insights about their love story, having second chances and what brought them to where they are today. So today, in part two, we're continuing this conversation and diving even deeper into what makes this marriage different from their past relationships, the lessons they've learned and how they've built a relationship that feels safe, strong and full of love. And, of course, I'm joined once again by my two amazing co-hosts Dr Jeff, our board-certified family physician, and Tony Overbay, our licensed marriage and family therapist, and I'm Trisha Jamieson, your host, and, of course, tiffany and Craig Shirley. We're so excited to have you back. You shared so much wisdom with us last time and today we're going even deeper, so let's continue this conversation. What surprised you most about falling in love again?
Speaker 2:You know what, when you're young and you fall in love, it's like fireworks and stars and all this other stuff, this awe. This was more of a process for me, it was more of an understanding, and I think my brain led more than my heart. But then, all of a sudden, I couldn't stop thinking about her. All of a sudden, it was this, that and uh, and it was more of a slow progression with some fear.
Speaker 3:So you're peeling away the onion layers to get to your heart, so to speak. Yeah, that's a good way to put it, yeah and so.
Speaker 2:But yeah, it took me a few months, you know, and I'm the first one to say I love you, I'll own that, you know, and but I also was more ready and it just kept growing from there, right Foundation and the love and so forth.
Speaker 4:I think anybody going through like oh sorry, jeff.
Speaker 3:Go ahead.
Speaker 4:Well, I just say anybody that is going through this, that's going to, I think, really resonate, because I do hear so many people say in new relationships I don't feel the fireworks and I want to jump right in and say, okay, that is Hollywood, that is actually the. They said the right things to make you feel it and that's more of a visceral reaction and I don't think that's necessarily healthy in the long run. So I like the slow burn concept.
Speaker 2:Well, slow burn is a good way to put it.
Speaker 3:Did you feel like that? You needed more time to test for safety for yourself, to make sure that this person wasn't going to step on your heart like maybe had happened to you in the past?
Speaker 5:Yeah, I would say for me not just safety as much as, yeah, safety. The other was even knowing if I was loving right. That's interesting.
Speaker 1:Oh, tell me more about that. I was loving right, that's interesting.
Speaker 3:Oh, tell me more about that. What does loving right look like that is love.
Speaker 5:And we'd ask this like what is love? Because for me, love was rescue, love was covering Love was, you know, doing more, trying to prove myself like overly compensating for the lack of what was in the relationship. So I'd say I don't know if I'm feeling love, like if I'm falling in love. I mean, I enjoy being with you, I enjoy this. We work great together, you know, and I'd say I love you, you know, but I don't know if that in love, because it doesn't feel like this over the top spark right, like you feel like you're young and you just like, oh, I'm going to go into this.
Speaker 5:And now there's so much withhold, hold back fear and going Kyle, I really do get along great with this guy. We can have conversations. He's not blowing up, he's not pilling out. You know, like I'm in. The comparison comes in, but I'm like is that love? Or what is love Like, how am I loving you? Am I loving you the way you want to be loved? Am I showing up how you want to be me to show up? And then it's like this is me, though. This is how I show up. I'm a giver and so and Craig's a giver and so he's always doing these little spontaneous things, buying stuff and and then having to return them.
Speaker 2:He bought me this diamond necklace oh my, oh, my goodness.
Speaker 5:And I looked at it and I was like how am I going to be myself? He's giving me this diamond necklace that hangs way down and I'm a pretty conservative person with that and I'm like this is his way of showing I care about you, right For me. I'm like to me, this is what do I owe him?
Speaker 5:now oh but what do I have to give him now to receive this necklace? And this is really blingy and I don't want it to be like, oh, who gave that to you? Who gave that to you? You know, like now it's a possession thing. So all this stuff goes through my head and a lot of it. So I just looked over and I looked over at him and I says I just said, craig, I can't accept this.
Speaker 5:And his heart was broken because he said my previous marriage she would have me take back everything. She never liked anything. I says it has nothing to do with me not liking it. It's just not me and I have to be honest with you because it would sit in a box, yeah good for you, so that was really hard for him.
Speaker 5:He's like, oh, and he had to take it back to the store. So I really had to process what love was and, honestly, like I fell in love with Craig, but it was a short over little things. You, you know, like I knew we could work well together. There wasn't going to be blowups, we could just and he wasn't oh, you did that to hurt me all the time, you know kind of thing. And so we'd really look at it and so it's like, okay, this is a healthy love. But it doesn't feel like I'm in love because I'm not chasing it, I'm not begging for it, I'm not proving myself, and so completely different. So the moment he asked me to marry him, I was like I can do this.
Speaker 1:I love this. I love this. So what else has this marriage felt different from your previous ones? Wow?
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:I told you she has deep questions.
Speaker 2:All right, yeah, no, it's a lot of first, last time babe, your turn. There's a lot of first.
Speaker 5:Last time, babe, your turn there's a lot of difference oh, there's so many yeah, it's, but yet there's a lot of similarities. He'll say stuff and it triggers me like I'm going oh you know I'm going to panic so he'll say something or do something like oh, that's exactly what happened there before.
Speaker 5:So the time we spend together, I've never fallen asleep in someone's arms and so just it was always never felt comfortable, like we cuddle and then we go other side of the beds. Now I'm falling asleep with arms and I call him his anaconda squeeze and I'm like I'm out, right, I've got myself snoring and waking myself up. I've never snored or woke myself up before oh wow. Deep sleep, you know, and so.
Speaker 5:I'm like okay, I'm comfortable, like it's okay, you know. And so, yeah, having a conversation, and I still do this like I don't say things that I want to say because I know it could hurt. And so sometimes I'm like, okay, I have to really process it. Craig told me really early in our relationship Well, when we started dating, he's like maybe you need to listen more and talk less. How'd that go? So often when he's talking to me, I just listen. He's like are you going to say something? I'm listening more and talking less. And he's like, okay, and I even said that in our wedding vows like he can go on and I'm like, and I'll have the stomach and the feelings. And then I got to process it. I got to say this isn't the kid's dad, this is a different relationship, right, so I go through all this.
Speaker 5:So he, he's very caring, he's very loving. When he gets up, he gets something for me and I don't have to ask. He doesn't expect if he does something nice. He's like oh, what is it in for me now? What do I get to receive? Right, he shows up and he, he shows up and that's a huge thing, it's not. Oh well, you're doing this, you're doing this for your family, you're doing this and he doesn't sit back and feel like you have all this going, I, I don't matter, you know, and that is huge, and that just didn't happen in the long run of my previous marriage. It happened from day one. So and I didn't know, you know, so I didn't know any better.
Speaker 5:I didn't know any better because I was raised in craziness. I was raised in excuse the term hell. I never wanted to raise my kids in hell and I had a mom who was married 12 times, seven different men, eight kids so two different dads. So it was moving and changing and men and in and out, and so I was like I never want to go through that Right, and so I worked my hardest never to put my kids through that. In the term that I also covered a lot of stuff up and buried a lot of stuff.
Speaker 5:So you sacrificed yourself in order to maintain that goal of not having your kids have to go through that A hundred percent.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I did the same thing, yeah.
Speaker 1:So, craig, what have you learned about yourself in this relationship that you didn't realize before?
Speaker 2:Oh, what have I learned about myself? Oh, there's so much Um you know what.
Speaker 5:That he's freaking attractive.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know what, I have a lot to give right, and I just need to be myself, you know, and I need to not let things when there's things that may be that needs a discussion, there's a time and place for it, but we need to have those discussions right. And communication is so important. Communication and maybe I didn't do as good of a job before, right, I would shut down, you know, and I don't want that. I don't want that to where maybe I over communicate. Now to compensate for it, I, I want us to to be on the same page and and I understand that we're not always going to agree on things, but let's have and I understand that we're not always going to agree on things, but let's have that communication.
Speaker 2:And and that's one of the things for me and with Tiffany is like she's got patience, she got patience, you know, with me. I've got patience with her. That was one of those things for the foundation for me, and we've been able to work through things. I'm paying attention more. You know, like she touched on it just a second ago, there are maybe some tough topics that to discuss that Tiffany's not ready to discuss, and what I've, what I've noticed about her is she needs to get away from the situation, and then she's able to talk about the next day. So I've learned to be patient to wait to have those conversations the next day. So I've learned to be patient to wait to have those conversations the next day.
Speaker 4:So that, right there, if I can just say, though, the fact, craig, that you're aware, now, okay, I need to have the conversations, not not play small or ignore my feelings, but then it's okay. If then Tiffany is, can hear them but needs time to process, cause I think that so often we see that, no, we need to have this now, is usually one person saying I need to feel better about it right now, and I'm not. It's regardless of how you feel about it 100%.
Speaker 2:And so it was one of these things where for me and I'm that type of person it's like we got to resolve this now, we got to resolve this now, but you know, over this last year it's I need to step back and, whether I like it or not, you know, just allow her to have time to process and then have that conversation. What I've learned from it is, if I would have pushed it that night, what have you? It's it doesn't work. It really we don't. We don't get anything accomplished. We just go spend, we're a hamster on a wheel right and maybe feelings get hurt, and then it just elevates it Always when we have that conversation the next day, so much better.
Speaker 2:Our emotions are down and it's time to process. And so, oh, productive was the word that I was looking for, right, if we would have did it that night, it wouldn't have been as productive.
Speaker 4:Which, which the fact you're aware of that, craig. I love it because so many people will, and I go gender stereotype. The guy will say we're going to hash it out, and then that pathologically kind spouse will eventually say, no, you're right To get rid of that discomfort. Guy thinks he's right, and then the wife continually feels unheard and at some point what's the point of her trying to communicate. But I love that. Tiffany, though, even if you're saying I need time to process, then you, you are coming back to process and cause, I think a lot of times people will say give me some space or time and then, uh, then we get out of that conversation, but then we don't want to go back to it because that's where the wife won't feel safe.
Speaker 1:Coming back to the you know, the husband, if, if the pattern has been, it doesn't matter Now, it'll just be more of the same when I come back, so I've admired the way you're both handling this, yeah, so this, this is a great lead into the next question, and this is for Tiffany how did your past experiences with emotional immaturity shape the way you approached this relationship?
Speaker 5:Allowing someone to speak and hear them, instead of instantly feeling triggered, you know, like, oh, that's their experience, oh, that's what they've had. Craig and I had this this morning and I just got to listen to him but I'm like that happened in the previous marriage too. I do understand he's like no, listen to me, this is what I'm saying. That I went through and I'm like I do. I understand, you know it didn't seem like I was listening, but I had heard the same thing before in the marriage and so, but yet those were his feelings and that's what he was trying to overcome at that time. And and I says, I was the same person at that time but I had to work through a lot of stuff. So the previous trauma stuff, that's what you're asking. Right, remind me of the question now. Yeah, emotional, emotional emotional maturity yeah.
Speaker 5:Yeah, to be able to come in emotionally mature, like to look at myself and say how am I processing this? Can I process it? Sometimes I just say I don't want to talk about it, just drop it right now, you know, like it's not going anywhere and I have to go, instead of going to the instant protecting myself mode, to be able to lean in and listen Thank you, tony, for that Words way back when lean in and listen. Lean in, you know lean in, so yeah.
Speaker 5:Yeah so yeah, it's like I need to lean in. So it's like right now I'm not, I can't lean in, because there's so much of the trauma stuff that I have to work to it, because otherwise I'm going to say something that I'm going to regret or that it's going to hurt you. So I've had to look at myself and become a mature person too, because when you feel always triggered or that they're going to come back at, or you're not heard or they're not heard, I'm giving it both sides or they're not heard, or how each of us feel right. Then it comes back that that is never resolved and it keeps on coming back never.
Speaker 5:There's never feeling of safety, there's never feeling of being heard, there's never feeling of, hey, this is how I feel right now and yeah, okay and Okay. And sometimes I'll say I don't understand, I'm not there, I'm not you, you know, but I'm listening and that's all I can offer, you know. And so being able to do that it just brings a relationship into a different place. And I could have said that before, but because of a lot of resentment and triggers that you're like oh, they're not listening, they're not doing that. So now I have to like with myself mentally say he's listening, he's present, and then go, okay, and I do a lot of breathing, like I'll breathe in hold for five seconds, breathe out for seven, bring it down and really just know that my feelings are my feelings, they're not Craig's, my feelings they're not Craig's.
Speaker 5:And so to become a mature person from the immature person of fighting and battling and all that stuff you know, like fight or flight, constant fight or flight, like I don't have to flight and Craig has told me that fight. And I'm like don't tell me to fight, I don't want to fight, I want it to be a solution. I don't want, I hate the now whenever it's like fight or flight, it's like I'm a flight person, I don't want to resolve it, I just want it to go away. You know, just blanket it, done, done.
Speaker 3:But I love how you're building it. In the pause, though, and that and that I'm I'm a person who needs to process as well, and so I can relate to the need for that, because otherwise I'm going to fight. Yeah, I'm a I'm going to fight.
Speaker 5:I'm a fighter, not a flighter, most of the time, and so I used to be a major fighter and I still can be that, so yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I just appreciate how you're building in the pause for yourself to be able to give yourself some time to go. Okay, now, what do I really want here? How do I really want to respond? How do I want to show up? I love that.
Speaker 2:I will say this.
Speaker 4:The space in between is uncomfortable, absolutely really. What do we do with that discomfort, right?
Speaker 2:you have to learn to sit with that discomfort yeah, talk into that a little bit more yeah, you know what um tiffany touched on triggers and there's a lot of triggers. You know that each of us have had to kind of work through from previous. But having that space to let them process, you know, all those fears of your history just come through like how is this going to play out? What's going to happen, what? What is she thinking? Did I share my thoughts accurately, you know? You know just all this doubt, just kind of like am I enough, you know, is this going to work out with, I mean, our, our dating and everything was fantastic. But we were, we were really real with each other, you know. And so we we've had a few times throughout where we've we've had these like conversations and even in our marriage it's you's been a couple times where it's like we need that space between, but it's uncomfortable so uncomfortable it's it's uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:But I go back to what I said before. Had I hammered away and said we got to figure it today, today, today, it wouldn't have been productive. It wouldn't have been productive and we would have like said things that we didn't mean and and then you start building up those. I said, you said resentment, but you start building up these little things. In a new relationship like this, it'll take a long time for that to like move itself out. Right, you don't want that, we don't want that. So anyway, I'm getting used to being uncomfortable.
Speaker 4:Well, that's where, I do think, craig, that's where the building, that emotional safety, and I will say that I think that is the the masculine presence of being able to provide that emotional, that safety so that she can be, in her healthy, feminine you know, uh, radiant, expressive and plus, yeah, I'm a fixer, I think motor fixers right, yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I want well, whatever might be pictures, but I'm a fixer. It's like what's the problem? Let me fix it. Let me just fix it. Sometimes she just wants to be heard.
Speaker 5:He gets an answer for everything. I tell him you have an answer for everything. Just let it be, it's okay, I'm okay.
Speaker 2:It's not without the nail, you don't.
Speaker 5:Okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, so what's been the most healing or surprising part of being with each other? I mean kind of talked about some of those challenges, but now what's the most healing part of being with each other?
Speaker 2:You know what for me? I'll speak for me. I just like the similarities in how I feel when I'm around her. I just I'm so comfortable and I never felt that before. I was just like she gets me, I get her, and again I'm gonna go back to that foundation right. How, how we're able to go in every single day when we're whether we're just texting or we're out or something like that I see stuff that I absolutely love and that fills my cup, right, you hear about the filling your cup and stuff like that, and so I love it, I absolutely love it.
Speaker 1:I love being with Tiffany. Well, she's a keeper. I think you are too.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Thank you, we laugh a lot, but I mean we also can go and we can work, like I mentioned earlier, and just we own a yogurt place and we would go in there and not even say a couple of words to each other, but just knock out a bunch of work and it was just like so fulfilling, it was awesome. I didn't have to worry about her critiquing me, it's just so comfortable.
Speaker 3:So, comfortable. By the way way for people who can't see the this couple while we are speaking, and maybe you can see this on the youtube channel when you have a second, but just watching the way they look at each other is just really super very endearing yeah, it's wonderful.
Speaker 1:We love it.
Speaker 5:That's so great one of my things with my things for Craig and I, is that I'm not worried about being attacked or him feeling like if I do something he's less of you know, and so that's one of the biggest things for me.
Speaker 5:I laugh, because they were more like private, you and your previous marriage. For me it was like you never saw each other go to the bathroom, like walked in on each other or anything. I'm like, okay, we got to change that, like you got to be comfortable with each other and he's just like he's like what do you mean?
Speaker 5:and I'm like you never go into the bathroom when she's gone to the bathroom. No, I'm like what? How is this possible? Like you live in the same house. You see each other unclothed, you know, naked. How do you never see each other go in the bathroom? What if you only had one bathroom? We'd wait. I'm just like, okay, we got to change some of this, you got to be comfortable with each other, you know. I mean, obviously there's door time, exactly.
Speaker 4:But that's where Craig asked Tiffany to marry him was on the toilet, right.
Speaker 1:That's the unknown story good thing he didn't know this before, right he knelt in front of the throne and yeah, yeah, that's right.
Speaker 5:For the most part, I'd like sit down and go to the bathroom on our honeymoon. He's like, okay, this is how it's going to be. I'm like I told you get comfortable with it. If you're getting ready, I'm going to go with you.
Speaker 1:Oh, that is great.
Speaker 5:Good, for you Get comfortable with each other.
Speaker 1:boundaries or communication tools have you put in place to create a healthier dynamic this time around?
Speaker 5:To speak what we want, okay. You know, to really say what we want, and if I don't like something, I say it like I'm not going to. This isn't a go for me. You know, like before. So we learn each other more quickly than I think. When you're younger, you kind of just learn a pattern because you don't know what you do or don't like.
Speaker 2:Now it's like this is a no-go, like I won't have this and so yeah yeah, I'm gonna actually kind of like piggyback off of that and just say I think again it's we're both givers, right, yeah, and so, and kind of pleasers in a little bit of a sense.
Speaker 2:So like, when it comes to the communication and this is something we vetted out early, like when we were just getting to know each other is we were just gonna be open and honest with each other. Now we've had to apologize for hurting each other's feelings, right, don't get me wrong, but I would much rather her, I would much rather tiffany be open and honest with me, which I I didn't have before, and that. And let me, let me take that information and do what I can with that information, right, as opposed to me trying to like figure it out and trying to figure out what is she trying to say. And so for me, my approach is just to be that person, right, and let Tiffany take my information and do what she wants with it, right. And yeah, there's been some feelings that have been hurt from time to time.
Speaker 5:Right, mostly by me. I heard his phone yeah.
Speaker 2:But I've already cried like three times on here.
Speaker 5:Right.
Speaker 2:So anyway, but I mean, that's one of the things I told myself before I even started dating is I, this is what I want my relationship? And I think it's actually. I mean, it's helped us to be a lot stronger and closer, and then it also helps us to feel that we're both coming from a good place, that our intentions are to love each other up, no matter what the communication is, whatever we're sharing. And so I feel safe. When Tiffany shares something with me that maybe she doesn't like, maybe it's a critique, I'm not going to blow up, I'm going to, I'm going to marinate in it and I'm going to be like okay, but then she'll hear me out too.
Speaker 1:So that's good, that's excellent. So, tony, what suggestions would you give our listeners about boundaries and communication tools that they can implement?
Speaker 4:Well they, they teed it up so well too, because I think that even it sounds right at times where we say things like well, I didn't want you to feel bad, well, give me a chance to know if I will feel bad or not, and if I do feel bad, that is a me thing, so then I can explore why I feel bad about what you were saying. And I think that's the part we talk so much on here about differentiation, and I love my beloved four pillars. We're assuming good intentions and I'm not going to tell the other person that they are wrong about how they feel. I can't. Then that will lead me into questions. Tell me more and then, like Tiffany was saying earlier, I'm going to stay present. So now I give that person a full chance to be heard, and I think that that's trying to establish this pattern of hearing each other first and I think you guys have spoken to it so well today is that when we aren't trying to, when the goal isn't just to be heard, usually it's to resolve, and somebody is going to just acquiesce or give in if we're trying to resolve everything right away. And I think that's where you see the unhealthy pattern, because it's almost whoever is more bold or has the louder voice or you know, or the person that is overly kind or feels like their job is to caretake that then they're not going to speak their mind. The other person is going to think that everything's fine, we got the conversation over right now, and that's the pattern I see over decades, where then it just it's just unhealthy. So you guys are starting off with this so well of, yeah, I'm going to say a thing, and it's probably easier now to assume that, all right, there's a reason why they're saying the thing. They're not trying to hurt me, now, it's how I react to. It's a me thing, but I feel safe enough to express that or explore that. So that's that's what I like.
Speaker 4:What to answer that question, trisha, is uh, I do think a good bound, you know, get boundary versus ultimatum. Ultimatum is you can't do that, but and that's a challenge especially to the immature oh, yes, I can, but then, uh, boundary is hey, if you're going to do that, then then I'm going to do this. If you're going to yell that, then then I'm going to do this. If you're going to yell at me, for example, then I'm going to, I'm going to walk out of the room. But then when you take those, those are hard boundaries, I think.
Speaker 4:You know, I don't think a guy should ever scream and yell or punch a hole in something, or it's like no, just that's no, not at all. But then if I'm going to say something and the other person is going to take it the wrong way wrong way, take it a certain way, I still want to be able to say it. But I want to understand. But I want to understand how you are taking it, cause I, like what Craig said, I'll take it, I'll take the feedback back and marinate in it, cause if it's something that I and I think I said this last week I want, I want everybody to start from this place of 90% solid 10% is because I want to be the best me. But that doesn't mean that that I'm going to always say, okay, I'll do what you, you need me to do. And it's funny because if somebody is in a unhealthy relationship, they're going to hear that and almost feel like, okay, so I'm not allowed to state my opinion, or. But I mean, you guys are doing this so well. I'm really impressed, yeah.
Speaker 1:So, so glad to have them on. All right, I have one last question, and it's what's something you appreciate about each other that younger couples might take for granted?
Speaker 2:That's very good, it's a really good one, I had a couple of thoughts going through my head. It's not just enough to just say I love you, right, I mean, there's work involved with it. There's. It's. It's an actionable thing and it can go down just so many different rabbit holes, what I'm about to say.
Speaker 2:But it's like in anything, in everything with your life, like when, when I was young and I'm just speaking about Craig, right it was like, oh, I love you, and then everything's going to be fine, All this other stuff and you know, speak about Craig, right it was like, oh, I love you and then everything's gonna be fine. All this other stuff, and, you know, not a lot of work and all this other stuff, it's not enough. Now it's kind of like, okay, you know, I love Tiffany, right, but I also want to be the best person I can be for her. I want to do this and that and stuff like that, and I want to work on things if I need to work on things, and so there's a lot more action involved with it that maybe I just didn't recognize when I was young.
Speaker 5:For me it's the fear of when you first are married. I think you're such a pleaser and want the marriage to work out so much that now we each have a voice and it's like we get to be heard right and you get to be true to yourself. I think often when you're young you don't even know really who you are or what you want when you go in there, and then all of a sudden those patterns are created as you're married and you're growing and you've you've two have probably experienced this that you kind of conform to each other and you get to know who you are with that person.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 5:And then, all of a sudden, you're by yourself and you start to learn like, oh, I am this person that I was before, but it's different and I can be dynamic, I can be sad, I can have all these emotions, but and not worry every day that the other person isn't going to like me or whatever. So I think when you're first married, you worry so much about the other person and how they feel and not that I'm saying you shouldn't, but you show up as yourself and you learn to just love each other for themselves. You know like, oh, some days Craig's going to be more quiet, some days Tiffany's going to be more quiet, some days you know, like we can't express ourselves in a certain way, that we want to, or whatever, and you just learn. You've already learned because you've experienced so much of it that you're not learning as you're growing those things, but you're still learning because you're still learning about the other person. You're still learning about yourself, but how you interact with each other.
Speaker 5:And it's not about me, because when you first get married it's like oh, me, me, me, me. What did they do wrong? You know, I think that's, and you instantly go to what the other person did wrong? As far as for us, it's. I'm going to listen and it's okay that we both have a different opinion, a different feeling, different views, when before it was always trying to convince or make the other person you want to feel how I want to feel.
Speaker 5:You need to have all the same goals I have. You need to have all the same activities. You know, you, you both grow trying to make that. Then, all of a sudden, someone starts running and you're like I'm not running, well, you're not interested in me running Cause you're not running with right. When you're younger, that's how you feel they should want to do the same thing you want to do. And now for us, I don't like doing everything that Craig likes to do, but I like to do a lot of things that Craig likes to do, so I think that's being okay with that, being okay with that, yeah, being totally okay with that.
Speaker 2:And me being okay with the fact that she doesn't Exactly.
Speaker 5:So I think that's the big difference between getting married when you're younger. You're growing together, trying to figure out what you like, trying different things, and we've tried a lot of things, but I'm still willing to try lots of things. I picked a pickleball in the last four years and I love it and I love playing with Craig, you know. And so there's just different things that I never thought I could hit a ball and stuff, you know. So just growing and learning about yourself, but also letting the other person grow at their pace too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just yeah. That's a really good question, trish, in a sense, as I'm just thinking. You know, there's, I think, when I was younger too, I had this idea of like, oh, I gotta get married, I got this, I got right, and stuff like that, and so I overlooked a lot of things, maybe not to say red flags, but maybe things that I probably should have vetted out better, and I didn't. Now where I am today, I vetted them out. And so patience and just really kind of being open-minded and just kind of paying attention and asking questions I wish I would have done more of that.
Speaker 3:There are so many different pressures when you're younger, though, that you don't understand. There's the sexual tension at first that's incredible. That kind of misdirects your way of thinking and trying to make good decisions, because it just is overwhelming when you're younger. I think also that there's some what's that?
Speaker 5:It feels that way when you're dating and stuff, because you come in two different. When you're dating, like, you want to know someone else's sexual, where they're at right values and how they see it before you marry them too, and hopefully people are truthful, because there's the hot and heavy and then there's the real, really, where you are at yeah, exactly, and I think that there's also another and heavy.
Speaker 1:And then there's the real, really where you are at. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3:And I think that there's also another dynamic that we don't kind of look at until much later, and that's the power dynamic in the couple, Because sometimes you know, there's an assumption that the power dynamic is, you know, one person's sort of in charge and the other person's subservient, and that maybe you grew up in a situation like that, and so it makes it so that it's very difficult to unwind some of those dynamics and you've got to learn how to do that. What I'm seeing now, especially in you two and then as Tricia and I have grown in our relationship, is making sure that power dynamic is an equal partnership.
Speaker 3:And that you know that one vote yes and one vote no means no, and making sure that you understand.
Speaker 1:It hasn't always been that way. No it hasn't, and it's okay, yeah, that you understand.
Speaker 3:It hasn't always been that way. No, it hasn't, and it's okay. Yeah, and to be okay with that and be able to go okay, well, then we have some more work to do before we can move forward on a particular topic. Yeah, and a building in that pause. I love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know I actually just asked a question earlier and one of the things with Tiffany and I that I learned that I didn't learn when I was younger. But I think it's important for me and this is I'm just speaking about Craig that we both have the same type of energy. Right, she's not pulling me along, I'm not pulling her along. We match energy and in this marriage, I think that's part of that whole comfort. It's been fantastic.
Speaker 5:A good partnership.
Speaker 2:This, this good partnership. This partnership I mean even the dating and stuff like that. I mean, I paid a lot of attention to it and others have noticed it. You know when her family is hey, craig, are you ever going to be able to keep up with her? Hey, be careful, Are you going to be able to keep up with her? My response has always been you need to be worried about her keeping up with me.
Speaker 1:Oh, there you go, there you go, that's awesome If you back it up.
Speaker 2:I mean, we have the same type of energy when we go into a room.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 2:I mean, one of us may be up or down depending on the day, right? And I didn't think about that when I was 20, 23 years old, right?
Speaker 3:Well, that comes with experience. I mean, you don't really know what you don't know back when you were 20. You think you know everything, but you haven't got a clue. 100%.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 100%.
Speaker 5:This has been fun. Thank you, you guys.
Speaker 1:Well, this is so awesome, Tiffany and Craig, this conversation has been absolutely fantastic. Your story is filled with wisdom, humor and so much heart, and we're learning so much from the both of you and there's so much more to even uncover and we know this conversation will resonate deeply with so many of our listeners. If you're listening and thinking, this is exactly what so-and-so needs to hear. Please share this episode with them. It might just give them the hope and inspiration they need to see that a new beginning is possible. In part three, we're going to go deep into the challenges and joys of blending families, navigating tricky family dynamics with exes, kids and extended family, and what it really looks like to start fresh later in life and build a life together. But before we go, I need to speak directly to the couples out there who feel like they are at a crossroads, the ones who are exhausted, frustrated and wondering if there's anything left to fight for in their marriage. Maybe you're having the same arguments over and over. Maybe the distance between you feels too wide to close. Maybe you're feeling more like roommates than partners. If any of that sounds familiar, please take a moment and listen. Your story isn't over and your marriage doesn't have to end this way.
Speaker 1:I know how it feels to hit rock bottom in a marriage. After 37 years of my own struggles, I've taken everything I've learned the tools, the breakthroughs, the hard-earned wisdom and created my Healing Hearts coaching program. This isn't just another marriage program. This is a lifeline for couples who feel like they have nothing left, but still want to believe in the possibility of something better. If you're ready to fight for your marriage, I want to fight alongside you. Let's rebuild, reconnect, recreate something stronger than ever before. If this interests you, please email me at trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom to learn more. If you're enjoying this conversation, please hit subscribe. Please leave us a review and share this episode with your friends and family, and if you have any questions you'd like to answer in our future episodes, please send them to trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom, and we'll be back soon with more from Tiffany and Craig. See you in part three. Thanks everyone. Bye-bye, bye, everybody.
Speaker 3:Thank you.
Speaker 1:Everybody Appreciate you. Bye-bye. Thanks for tuning into the Q&A Files, delighted to share today's gems of wisdom with you. Your questions light up our show, fueling the engaging dialogues that make our community extra special. Keep sending your questions to trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom. Your curiosity is our compass. Please hit, subscribe, spread the word and let's grow the circle of insight and community together. I'm Trisha Jameson, signing off. Stay curious, keep thriving and keep smiling, and I'll catch you on the next episode.
