The Q&A Files
The Q&A Files drops A Wellness Explosion
💥 BOOM! Attention Wellness Warriors. The game changer you have been waiting for is finally here. Say hello to “The Q&A Files,” where wellness meets revolution and your questions lead to new discoveries. Spearheaded by Trisha Jamison, your host, a Board Certified Functional Nutritionist. Cohost Dr. Jeff Jamison, a Board Certified Family Physician, and featured guest, Tony Overbay, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. This podcast blends three diverse perspectives to tackle your questions on health, nutrition, medicine, mental wellness, and relationships. Dive into a world of expert insights and actionable advice, all sparked by your curiosity. Tune in, ignite your wellness journey, and join the Wellness Warrior community.
The Q&A Files
81. Your Nervous System Is Speaking Through Your Relationships; Healing Attachment Wounds. Part 2.
Why does love sometimes feel like both a lifeline and a threat? The answer lies in our attachment styles—powerful patterns formed in childhood that shape our adult relationships in profound ways.
When Scott wrote to us about his marriage to Claire, he described a painfully familiar dynamic: clinging desperately one moment and shutting down completely the next, while his steady partner tried to understand what was happening. His story opens a fascinating window into disorganized attachment (what we call "the cat in a tree") and how it clashes with secure attachment (the "oak tree").
Your nervous system might be sending mixed signals about connection based on early experiences, but there's tremendous hope for change. We unpack practical tools like creating a "safe pause" during conflicts, naming your feelings in real-time, and programming your communication to avoid overwhelming yourself or your partner. These micro-skills create new neural pathways, gradually rewiring your response to emotional intimacy.
Dr. Jeff shares personal insights about communication strategies that have transformed his own relationships, while I introduce my new Attachment Map tool—a visual guide to help you identify your attachment style and take meaningful steps toward security. Whether you're an oak tree, octopus, turtle, or cat in a tree, understanding these patterns is the first step toward healing.
Your emotional suitcase might be packed with fear and confusion, but it can be repacked with safety, connection, and repair. Email trishajamesoncoaching@gmail.com to receive your free copy of the Attachment Map and begin your journey toward more secure connection today.
Email us at trishajamisoncoaching@gmail.com
Hello and welcome to the Q&A File, the ultimate health and wellness playground. I'm your host, tricia Jamieson, a board-certified functional nutritionist and lifestyle practitioner, ready to lead you through a world of health discoveries. Here we dive into a tapestry of disease prevention, to nutrition, exercise, mental health and building strong relationships, all spiced with diverse perspectives. It's not just a podcast, it's a celebration of health, packed with insights and a twist of fun. Welcome aboard the Q&A Files, where your questions ignite our vibrant discussions and lead to a brighter you.
Speaker 1:Welcome back to the Q&A Files. I'm Tricia Jamieson and I'm here with my best friend and co-host, Dr Jeff Jamieson, for part two of cracking the code of attachment styles. I've created something brand new that we'll introduce later in the episode. It's called my Attachment Map and it's a visual tool to help you locate your attachment style and find your next step forward toward connection. But first, if you missed part one, please be sure to go back and listen. We introduced the four core attachment styles using metaphors you'll never forget, like the oak tree, the octopus, the turtle, the cat I almost said the cat in the hat, the cat in a tree, and each of those metaphors describe one of the four attachments. So please come and learn what they are. So our good friend Tony Overbay joined us for that very rich discussion last week and while he's not here with us today, jeff and I are diving into the heart of attachment work and how it shows up in real life, and we're doing that through a very powerful listener question from Scott.
Speaker 1:Here's what Scott writes. He says Hi, trisha, jeff and Tony, I've been married to Claire for 10 years and we keep hitting the same wall. My childhood was chaotic. My parents tried to love but were very unpredictable and I often felt unsafe. Claire's family was like a storybook stable, warm and consistent. When we fight, I either cling to her, begging her not to leave, or I shut down and give her the cold shoulder. Claire stays calm and wants to talk, but I can tell she is frustrated. I think this is about attachment styles, but I'm not sure which ones we are or how to move forward. Please help. First of all, scott, thank you so much. That level of honesty and vulnerability really takes a lot of courage, and the answer is yes, there's absolutely hope.
Speaker 1:What you're describing is what we call disorganized attachment, or what we lovingly named in part one as the cat in a tree. It's when your nervous system has learned that love is both a lifeline and a threat. So when you get close, alarms go off and you either cling tighter or shut down to protect yourself. I want you to think about a cat in a tree. What are they doing? Their claws are going deep into that tree, they're scared, their hair's all ruffled. So that's kind of that visual.
Speaker 1:Your story mirrors what I've seen with so many of my clients that internal tug of war, wanting connection but fearing it. Dr Sue Johnson, she has a great quote and she puts it perfectly and she says we are wired to connect, but trauma can make connection feel like a threat. Now, this isn't a sign that you're broken. This is just a pattern. And guess what Patterns can change. And that's the important part to remember.
Speaker 1:Claire, from what you described sounds like the oak tree steady, secure, trying to offer safety. But when the push-pull gets too intense, even an oak tree can start to bend. But, scott, what you're feeling makes total sense and, more importantly, it can shift and will walk you through some really specific tools that can help you feel safer in your own body and clearer in your connection with Claire. Let's unpack what's really happening inside that nervous system of yours and what you and Claire can start doing right now to move forward. Scott, what you're experiencing is what happens when your nervous system doesn't know whether love is safe. One moment, connection feels like oxygen. You can't get enough. The next it feels like suffocation and you're pulling away. That kind of emotional whiplash is absolutely exhausting for both you and Claire, and I've worked with clients like you, scott.
Speaker 1:I can remember one man let's call him Tom who described feeling like his wife was too close and too far at the very same time. When things got emotionally intense, he either begged for reassurance or disappeared into silence. That kind of sounds like you a little bit, but I helped Tom and his wife create what I call a safe pause. If things escalated, they agreed to take 10 minutes apart, not to disconnect but to reset. The rule was you always come back, and that structure helped Tom regulate his emotions without abandoning his wife or himself. And, scott, if you're listening, that might be a beautiful place to start. Talk to Claire about creating a shared pause plan. It could sound like when I feel overwhelmed, can we agree to take a short break and reconnect after 10 minutes. Just having that agreement in place can definitely calm your nervous system and there's something simple but powerful. Start practicing naming what's happening in that moment. Try saying I'm really feeling scared right now. I want to shut down, but I'm still here. That honesty creates emotional safety for both of you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it just shows communication of what's going on in your own head, and sometimes the best communication or understanding of what's going on inside helps relax fears, relax the whole worry about, okay, what's going on inside of him or inside of her that's causing these issues. And so, if you are able to take a minute breathe, think about what you're actually feeling, name it and then explain it, that will help you be vulnerable and be able to be able to connect through those, because we all feel the same feelings at different times, but we sometimes don't want to allow the other person to know what you're feeling for fear that if you explain those things, that they're going to bolt from you or abandon you, and those fears keep you from being vulnerable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, thank you for sharing that. And I think, too, you know, just having that pause in place, having the signal. I think, too, you know, just having that pause in place, having the signal. Okay, so we need to have 10 minutes that we can just go get some fresh air, go for a walk, get a drink of water, do 10 jumping jacks, anything that you can just take a moment, take a step back, and that way, when you resume, your fight or flight has settled down and you're able to breathe a little bit better.
Speaker 2:You know.
Speaker 2:I think it's important also to remember that, when you're in that same situation what Tricia just described as fight or flight that can also make you freeze, and it can make you actually just go along with whatever is happening and not share your real feelings or your voice, and that's called fawning, and so you can fall into any of those traps along the way if you don't build in a pause, allow yourself to think it through and move forward.
Speaker 2:You know, recently we had a situation with one of our children and their spouse where there was some difficulty that we were experiencing in our relationship, and what we did, though, is wanted to make sure we improved that communication, but didn't bombard them with the criticism that is easily done when you feel upset or uncomfortable. So what we did is we said, okay, we'd like to have a conversation When's a good time, and we'd like to have it in person or, as best we can, on person, so that we can talk it through, and the subject is X, so that way, it gives them, or the other person, an opportunity to think it through a little bit and say, okay, well, I remember that situation, I remember how I reacted, and oh, I didn't react very well, or oh, I had an opinion that was really still important to me and I need to give some understanding of what that opinion is so that you can move forward with understanding.
Speaker 1:Yes, and going to that conversation, they were very grateful. You know, we asked questions, we allowed them to share their own thoughts and feelings. They felt heard and we did as well, and so I think that that is a perfect recipe for having those communication styles come together and be able to see, you know, a little bit more eye to eye, and so thank you for sharing that eye to eye, and so thank you for sharing that Very good. Can you think of any other practical tips to bridge their lifestyles together?
Speaker 2:Well, I think you have to program your communication as well. I think you need to say, okay, at certain time or certain place, we're going to talk about this topic, and I want to get closer and make sure that you have the understanding of what your goals are before you start and then maintain your goals and maintain your direction so that you don't over-speak or under-speak those feelings. Because if you, I know that in my past when I've had a problem with somebody or there's an issue with a child or whatever, what I would do is I'd state my case, then I would tell a story about why I feel that way, then I'd state my case again to the point where they're like okay, I got it, please stop, I get this, can we just move on, please? And so that's the thing that I have to do is make sure that you don't have such strong emotions about an issue that you just can't stop.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's good, and boy have you come a long way with that. I really appreciate that. Well, thank you. Yeah, definitely Some of the things that I was thinking too.
Speaker 1:Just like when you're triggered and it's to notice those triggers, what does that look like? When you want to cling or when you want to shut down, maybe journal about that and start to take a look at these patterns that are continuing and what you can do differently. So I also think the cat in the tree so you've got Scott is the cat in the tree and Claire is the oak tree. When you're working together, sometimes that can be a little bit can be willing to hear your spouse's needs or what's going on. That could really change the way you think, because the more we have a different action, the more that we focus on something different those are new neural pathways and the more that you can focus on those new neural pathways and changing that thought pattern. That is when change happens. So I think that it's really important to focus on that. And there's, I think Tony brought up Mary Ainsworth and I just wanted to read a quote. She says the quality.
Speaker 2:He did.
Speaker 1:So the quality of early attachment lays the foundation for later connection. And, like I said earlier with Tony and Jeff, it's like that's just so unfair because some people I mean as a child you don't have control of your conditions, your environment and what's going on and the parents that you have. But I think, having more and more compassion, understanding that your parents did the very best that they could they didn't have tools like we have today and just understanding and appreciating that they really tried and you know, I think most people need a therapist or a coach or someone to kind of put things back together for you you know.
Speaker 2:I read an interesting statistic the other day and that's in the late 1800s. People then did not have the same access to information, of course, that we do today, and they mentioned that a person. Nowadays, if you read the newspaper cover to cover for a week, you would have more factual evidence, or you know evidence of life and things, than a whole lifetime of study in the 1800s. You know the late 1800s and so you know. Now we are bombarded with so much information and we're trying to add to it here today, of course, but that information can be very helpful to be able to change the way we approach parenting, the way we approach our spouses, the way we approach all of our life relationships, so that we can make things better, and we now have information to help with that, and this is one of the items. Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1:So, scott, you've got a path forward. You're not broken, you're learning, and I love that you asked this question. This was so valuable and, claire, if you're listening, you sound like a secure partner who's trying to be steady in this storm. And that is so hard. And while you're not responsible for Scott's healing we talked about in the first episode, you are a powerful ally. So try validating his fear with something like I can see you're overwhelmed and I'm not going anywhere. That lets his nervous system know it doesn't have to go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn every time there's a conflict. It's like co-regulation, offering your calm to his chaos. You're not trying to fix his fear, just witnessing it with love. Now that's medicine. And, scott, your emotional suitcase is packed with fear and confusion, and I'm so grateful that you asked this question because I know so many people can resonate and relate to you and Claire's is packed with trust and consistency. But here's the truth those suitcases can be repacked and together you can start unpacking what doesn't serve you and filling them with safety, connection, attunement and repair. And this is exactly why I'm so excited to share that I have a special resource from my Healing Hearts program, where I help couples on the brink to find their way back to connection. It's called my Attachment Map. It's a visual tool that helps you figure out where you're starting from and how these micro steps can move you towards secure connection.
Speaker 1:So this handout is your guide to identifying your attachment style, if you're an oak tree, an octopus, a turtle or a cat in the tree, and it's understanding the messages you learned about love as a kid. It helps you spot your patterns, like clinging or shutting down, and it offers simple steps to move forward towards secure attachment, like naming your needs or repairing after conflict. There's even a prompt to write a vulnerable note to your partner to deepen your bond. So grab your free copy today. Just email me at trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom and if you're in one of my programs, you'll get the full module. If not, you'll still get a beautiful tool to explore together.
Speaker 1:If Scott's question hit home, please send us your questions at the Q&A files or at trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom, and we'd love to hear from you. I'm so grateful to have Dr Jeff here today as we cracked the code of attachment styles and in this episode, if it spoke to you, whether you're an oak tree, an octopus, a turtle or a cat in the tree. Please share it with someone that you care about. It might just spark a conversation that changes your whole relationship for the better. So until next time, please keep unpacking your suitcases with kindness and courage. And this is Tricia Jamieson and Dr Jeff signing off from the Q&A Files. So see you next week. Goodbye everybody.
Speaker 2:Bye everybody.
Speaker 1:Thanks for tuning in to the Q&A Files, delighted to share today's gems of wisdom with you. Your questions light up our show, fueling the engaging dialogues that make our community extra special. Keep sending your questions to trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom. Your curiosity is our compass. Please hit subscribe, spread the word and let's grow the circle of insight and community together. I'm Trisha Jameson, signing off. Stay curious, keep thriving and keep smiling, and I'll catch you on the next episode.
