The Q&A Files
The Q&A Files drops A Wellness Explosion
💥 BOOM! Attention Wellness Warriors. The game changer you have been waiting for is finally here. Say hello to “The Q&A Files,” where wellness meets revolution and your questions lead to new discoveries. Spearheaded by Trisha Jamison, your host, a Board Certified Functional Nutritionist. Cohost Dr. Jeff Jamison, a Board Certified Family Physician, and featured guest, Tony Overbay, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. This podcast blends three diverse perspectives to tackle your questions on health, nutrition, medicine, mental wellness, and relationships. Dive into a world of expert insights and actionable advice, all sparked by your curiosity. Tune in, ignite your wellness journey, and join the Wellness Warrior community.
The Q&A Files
Marriage Myths Part 2 Debunked: 50-50 Isn't the Goal
Do you find yourself mentally tallying who did which chores this week? Or maybe you've stayed up until 2 AM arguing about something that seemed so important but now feels trivial in the morning light? These relationship patterns might stem from popular marriage myths that sound reasonable but actually undermine connection.
In this enlightening episode, I'm joined by my husband Dr. Jeff as we dismantle three dangerous marriage myths that create disconnection. We tackle the deceptive "50-50 rule" that turns relationships into mathematical equations rather than partnerships. You'll learn why keeping score leads to resentment and how generosity creates a cycle of mutual care that math can never calculate.
We also explore why "never go to bed angry" might be the worst advice ever given at bridal showers. Sleep deprivation amplifies emotions and impairs judgment, making midnight arguments particularly destructive. Instead, we offer practical language for pressing pause without abandoning the issue altogether.
Finally, we challenge the Instagram-perfect image of conflict-free marriages. Like a fireplace that warms the home but requires tending, conflict can strengthen your relationship when approached with curiosity and compassion. The complete absence of disagreement often signals that someone's voice isn't being heard.
Whether you're newly partnered or celebrating decades together, you'll gain practical tools to replace these myths with healthier relationship patterns. Our weekly challenge gives you three specific actions to implement immediately: trading 50-50 for 100-100, learning when to pause instead of push, and practicing small repairs that build trust.
Ready to transform your relationship? Subscribe, share with someone you love, and join us next time for the final installment in our marriage myths series!
Exciting news! Our podcast is getting a fresh new facelift—including a brand-new logo! ✨ After we wrap up Part 3 of our Marriage Myths series, we’ll be taking a short 2–3 week break to relaunch with a whole new look and feel.
A great marriage is 50-50. Now, if Jeff and I had kept score that way, he'd be winning on laundry and I'd be winning on cooking, but we'd both be losing the connection. So these so-called rules about marriage sound smart, but most of them leave us exhausted and disappointed. Exhausted and disappointed. Hello and welcome to the Q&A File, the ultimate health and wellness playground. I'm your host, tricia Jamieson, a board-certified functional nutritionist and lifestyle practitioner, ready to lead you through a world of health discoveries. Here we dive into a tapestry of disease prevention, to nutrition, exercise, mental health and building strong relationships, all spiced with diverse perspectives. It's not just a podcast. It's a celebration of health, packed with insights and a twist of fun. Welcome aboard the Q&A Files, where your questions ignite our vibrant discussions and lead to a brighter you. Welcome, wellness Warriors. I'm Trisha Jameson, and I'm here brighter you Welcome, wellness Warriors.
Speaker 2:I'm Tricia Jameson and I'm here with my husband.
Speaker 1:Dr Jeff Hello, yeah, and our friend Tony Overbay was with me in our last episode but he is not with us tonight. But we did tackle the first three myths. But today I'm with Dr Jeff and we're going to focus on the next three myths. So I'm glad to have Jeff here with me and for this round, because these myths sneak into almost every question them. Then they can become a real problem. But before we start, I want to dive into some celebrations. So, jeff, what is something you're celebrating this week?
Speaker 2:Oh, I've got a great celebration. Yes, my celebration is that I just got back from a weekend with my family in Utah.
Speaker 1:It was so great.
Speaker 2:As you may know, Trisha and I are living apart.
Speaker 1:That's not so good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, not because we like it, but because we need to get through business things right now, and so we're doing that. Trisha's in Utah and I'm in Spokane for just a little bit longer. But I am so grateful that I got to go home this last weekend and see everybody and help with the move, and Trish and I also got to go to the BYU football game on Saturday and that was a whole bunch of fun.
Speaker 1:Brought back a lot of memories.
Speaker 2:Yep, you know, since we both went to BYU, we both went to football games there. It was a great time, so there's a couple of celebrations. How about you?
Speaker 1:Well, I'm so glad you asked me yeah, because I am so excited for this. Next couple weeks. We are going to Italy and we just cannot wait to go, and we're going to go on a cruise, a Mediterranean cruise, and it's going to be amazing. And then I'm staying an extra week and I'll be with 19 of my colleagues and I'm really looking forward to that.
Speaker 2:Jeff will be flying home that last week that will be in Rome. Oh my goodness, an extra week in Rome. That must be terrible for you.
Speaker 1:Yes, I know, I know.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1:And I just I don't even know. I'm so nervous because Jeff's in Spokane, I'm here in Utah and I don't know. I'm just we're going to be packing and getting prepared separately, but I just feel like I hope I don't forget something really important like my passport or something that I'm going to desperately need. So hopefully that won't happen.
Speaker 2:No, it's not going to happen. You're going to remember everything and it's going to go great.
Speaker 1:And just so everyone knows too At least it's not my keys- Right.
Speaker 2:Right, because keys can be lost and found.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2:But one of the things I'm very grateful for is that we've been saving for this trip for years. This is something we've been dreaming of and hoping for it's been our dream trip for many, many years. And it just so happened it's going to come to pass in this next couple of weeks, so we're very excited.
Speaker 1:And it's been so exciting to actually learn how many people have been to Italy and to hear their stories and see their pictures. It's been really, really fun to hear that. So we've got a lot of things to experience. So, honey, what are you excited about? What is it that you're excited about?
Speaker 2:Well, my first thing is to have you to myself for two weeks you know, it's not something that we get that often. There's lots of people that we are working with or are under our care, and so we don't get to have devoted time with each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and.
Speaker 2:I'm really excited about that. I'm excited also to, if we can, I'm hoping to go to the island of Capri Now, the island of Capri off the coast of Italy, on the west coast of Italy. It's what we named our daughter Capri after, and since then we've always wanted to go, and now our daughter Capri is really jealous of us because she wants to go too, but we're not taking her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, not this time, but maybe another time. So, yes, we're really excited about that and we'll let you know how that all goes. I will share with you that. Another celebration we have is we are having a facelift. We are going to change our logo. We've got some cool things coming up amazing programs and we can't wait to share them with you. So we'll probably, in the next couple weeks, may take two week pause, let you know more how that's going to work, but when you come back it's going to be amazing and we cannot wait to share all the fun things with you. All right, let's get going with our myths. Are you ready, honey?
Speaker 2:I'm ready.
Speaker 1:Okay, myth number four. So with Tony. If you didn't hear our last episode, please go back and listen to that. We talked about the first three myths, so we're on myth number four. A great marriage is 50-50. So why do you think people believe that, Tony?
Speaker 2:Because I think that in most people's minds they think that 50-50 means that you're pulling together, that you're putting in equal effort, and it's about equality of investment into the relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean it sounds fair right If things are split evenly and no one gets resentful. But just like you mentioned, when you're keeping score, what does that do to intimacy?
Speaker 2:Out the window. Yep Absolutely kills it and it makes it so that you don't have. You're more focused on the score than you are about the relationship.
Speaker 1:Excellent. Yes, relationships aren't math equations, so I love what you just shared equations, so I love what you just shared. And isn't it true that there are some days that you may be pulling 20% of the weight and someone else may be pulling 80% of the weight?
Speaker 2:I mean like think about when I was pregnant.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I'm just thinking like when I was pregnant, I was pulling a half a percent maybe because I was alive and you were doing everything in medical school taking care of our little kids, because I was so, so sick in bed and anyway. So there are days and times that that's inevitable. Whether you're sick or having a bad day, or just how you need to show up is going to be so important, and sometimes we don't always think about that. But you definitely there's going to be some days that you're going to carry more than your spouse and other days he's going to carry more than you, and that's okay.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think that you know, if it's always like that I mean if, if it's, if it's the spouse carries 2% and you carry 98% all the time, that's a problem. Now, you know. So in relationships there has to be give and take, and if it's a take relationship, that's a problem.
Speaker 2:Exactly so I would recommend that this is supposed to be a team effort. I would recommend that this is supposed to be a team effort and if you're on a basketball team or a football team or any kind of team, there are times that one player will play better than the other. You know, sometimes there's a player that just they can't miss a shot on the basketball court. It seems like every time you hand them the ball, boom, it's in the basket. Right, you hand them the ball, boom, it's in the basket. And then other times there's a team player that you hand them the basketball and they can't hit the broad side of a barn. And so you know that works in the way people work as well, and your spouse is going to be that way and you're going to be that way, and so giving each other grace and communicating through that is the key.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and I actually once had a couple who literally tracked every chore and they even had an app. So every dish, every time they vacuumed, guess what? They kept score of that. So they weren't closer, they actually got angrier. So when they turned the focus from fairness to generosity, things completely shifted for them. I know that there are times when things feel unfair or it feels like there may be a season where you're caring a lot. That's when you need to have some conversation, and so, if there is a time that you're really feeling burdened, help your partner understand how you're feeling and allow yourself not to be resentful but to start asking questions, helping them understand what is it that you need? What is it that you need? What is it that they need? Maybe sometimes you know you need help around the house, or hire a teenager to come help in the yard, or something like that. Find out what each other needs, and then you can fulfill those needs in a way that could be really helpful for the two of you.
Speaker 2:Now here's a part that a lot of people just have a hard time with in this situation no-transcript, and that reading the mind thing can't be a part of this.
Speaker 1:Right, and we talked a lot about mind reading last week and you missed that episode, but so true.
Speaker 2:I listened to it though.
Speaker 1:Oh, you did. Right, that's right, you did. I listened to it.
Speaker 2:but I'm incorporating that into this particular part because it's applicable. I think that if you are expecting somebody to pull more weight without telling them your needs, then you're expecting them to read your mind.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and you're so spot on. So I appreciate you bringing that up and I think too that sometimes I feel like when you've got a parent that works and a parent that stays home, it's important to have that communication to help each other know how you can support each other with your husband or your wife, whomever if they're working and you're home with the kids. It can go vice versa. But it's important to help each other know what it is that again what they need, so points aren't being tallied and you're able to give 100% to each other during those hard seasons. Now it's easier said than done, but you can do that if you're communicating and you're able to focus on what each other needs. But the other thing is, I believe when you are generous with each other, the other person wants to be generous with you as well.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and I think it really is a matter of focus and a show of love to put the other person's needs ahead of your own, and when you can do that, it makes the relationship work better. You won't be worried about who's doing. More of what. It all comes out in the wash and it really does. If you're in a team relationship like that, it all comes out, and there may be times, just like when Tricia was pregnant. She was really sick and I had to pick up the ball. You know 98% of the work and everything that happened I did. Now do I resent Tricia for being pregnant and having that pregnancy illness and then giving us five beautiful children and one adopted child? Not at all. That is what we chose to do together, and so, especially when you're choosing something, you have to support each other through the hard times you have to support each other through the hard times.
Speaker 1:Beautiful Thank you. Love doesn't keep score, because love isn't about winning. Myth number five never go to bed angry, so why do you think people believe this?
Speaker 2:I mean, it sounds noble. Don't let the sun set on your anger right.
Speaker 1:Oh gosh, how many times have we heard that, I know? And every bridal shower.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the problem is that if you go, if you are in a heated argument and you're tired and you're hungry or you have other, you know you're emotionally dysregulated. You have to be able to get some downtime to rethink what you're doing. Your position may change completely and, instead of winning the argument, you can come back and go. You know what? I don't really feel the way I said, or this is really important to me. I just need you to understand how important this is. Can you hear me a little bit longer, or whatever it is that you need to say? But you can do it in a way that is much more relaxed and not quite so emotionally dripping with blood.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, and exhaustion makes fights worse. At 2 am you're not solving problems, you're just trying to survive them at that point.
Speaker 2:Right, and what usually happens, too, is you'll be talking about oh, you know, you didn't pick up the garbage and take it out like you were supposed to, and well, three months ago you didn't do this. Well, four months ago this happened, and so you start digging into the past.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you start digging into each other's past and then all of a sudden you're digging out in the weed somewhere that you don't even remember what the original problem was, and it's so funny, I mean that happens so often, especially with my clients was, and it's so funny, I mean that happens so often, especially with my clients.
Speaker 1:It's just sometimes they'll come and they're like I don't even know what the original problem is, but this is where we are today. So you know, if you don't want to say something you're going to regret, if you don't want to create more damage, it's okay to pause, rest and repair in the morning it's okay to pause rest and repair in the morning.
Speaker 2:But now it's also really important to explain how to do that, how do you? Take a pause.
Speaker 1:Yes, I appreciate that. Do you want to share?
Speaker 2:Sure, okay. I think that it's really important to let the person know that you're talking with and this can happen with anyone you know, no matter who the disagreement or discussion is with. If you're getting to the point where you just cannot, you know, get anywhere, you're upset, you're just, you know you find your voice raising, your face is turning purple and all those things are happening, then it's time to say you know what? I need a timeout. And you need to say it about you. Don't say it about your partner. Don't say you need to take a timeout, you're getting emotionally dysregulated, you're too angry to talk right now.
Speaker 2:You can't make that judgment for the other person. But you can say I'm feeling uncomfortable with how the conversation is going right now. I'd like to take a pause or take a break from this. But then you have to do. The next very important thing is say when you expect to come back to that discussion. If you can't come back to it until the next day because you have work or whatever, then say I will come back to it, we'll come back to this after dinner tomorrow. Or give me 15 minutes. I just need to relax for a second and then let's talk again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so so making sure, and you can even do this together. You can even take a breath together and go for a quick walk or do something that helps you get out of the situation, or go to bed. One of my favorite lines is if things are not going well, go to bed, it'll help. Just get some rest.
Speaker 1:Exactly. I actually had been working with a client, a couple client, and no matter what, the wife would not go to bed. She had cemented the thought in her brain that she had to work things out before bed.
Speaker 2:And have resolution.
Speaker 1:It was 3 o'clock in the morning. They had to get up at 5.30 or 6. Morning they had to get up, you know, at 530 or six. She had that thought so cemented in her brain that it was tough to help her understand. And I asked her husband is you know? How do you feel about this? Is this something that you are OK with? Do you want to go to bed? And he's like absolutely I want to go to bed. She won't let me, she's like if I go to bed.
Speaker 1:She is so angry, and so she forced themselves to hash out everything, no matter how late it was. But what happened? Just like we talked about, what did they regret? They said things that they regretted. They created more damage before they finally got to a place that I think they were so exhausted that they realized that, okay, this is either not working or they just decided to disagree. But sometimes it's having permission to say I love you. I want to finish this, but we both need rest the more that you can focus on what the long game and recognize that coming together at a time that you can both think clearly is going to be really important, and that sleep will actually help reconnect you will actually help reconnect you.
Speaker 2:The other thing I worry about when people put this myth to the test is that one of the persons in the relationship will just fawn, They'll give in and they'll just say okay. And they'll give in and not give an opportunity for themselves to speak their mind or have their voice heard, because they just want to get the argument over with and so.
Speaker 2:I think that's something that happens way too much, where you know you'll just stop talking and say, okay, well, I agree with you, everything is fine, let's go to bed. You know Exactly, okay, well, I agree with you Everything is fine, let's go to bed. Exactly. I think that it lends itself to resentment in the future?
Speaker 1:Definitely, and I'm so glad you brought that up. And it's just kind of like fixing Wi-Fi at 2 am in the morning. Is that something that you can do at a time that you can't think, you can't focus, you can't really go through the directions?
Speaker 2:No, you need to start in the morning with fresh eyes. Yep, Okay. What's the next myth?
Speaker 1:Myth number six healthy marriages are conflict-free. So why do you think people believe that?
Speaker 2:Well, I think that there are people that grew up in the 1940s I should say that they're going through World War II. They were separated for a lot of the time and they had such incredible appreciation for each other that know, even if they did have disagreements, they just worked them out without any difficulties. At least that's what it was, what it seemed like.
Speaker 1:It seemed like, I think that there are plenty of difficulties, yeah.
Speaker 2:That's what it seemed like when people said those things. That's what it seemed like, right seemed like. But I think that a conflict-free relationship is a dead relationship because at least one of the parties in the relationship really are not invested enough to have their voice heard, or they don't care what the other person thinks.
Speaker 1:Right, and I think too. I mean I'm going on the other side of the spectrum. You're talking about, you know, the 1940s. I'm talking about, now, instagram, because I think you see families and reels that make it seem like couples are so happy and they never fight, they never have any issues or problems, any issues or problems, and I think that that has kind of overtaken a little bit of the time, when families are perfect and everything's fine and you don't have to worry about anything. But that's not true. So conflict is inevitable, and when two humans with different upbringings, values and stressors live together, you are going to have conflict and welcome it, because it makes you grow together, it makes you become more compassionate and allows yourself to connect in ways that you wouldn't otherwise.
Speaker 2:I agree yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think also strong couples, don't avoid conflict.
Speaker 2:They lean into it after it.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, and I think like you, jeff, as a doctor, and when you think of inflammation, you know some inflammation is natural. It is a signal that growth and healing is part of the process. But if it's left unchecked, what happens to that inflammation?
Speaker 2:It becomes. It overtakes part of the body, if not all the body, and inflammation can cause so many different damaging things. You know all the way from heart attacks and strokes to inflammation of the joints, which might lead to lupus or rheumatoid arthritis, eosinophilic esophagitis. There's so many things that can happen just from inflammation, and so those are just a few.
Speaker 1:That's left unchecked. Yep, exactly, thank you, you know. You hear people say that they are proud that they don't fight. But are they really not fighting or are they just not addressing issues and they just sweep everything, every disagreement, where Under the rug, right. So years of little hurts where they get piled up under there and when that rug is finally lifted, boom, an avalanche of resentment. Avoiding conflict could cost them real intimacy, and once they learn to fight in a way that they are communicating their needs and helping and being respectful, then repair and their connection can actually start to deepen.
Speaker 2:The type of relationships where there is no conflict are the ones where the husband comes home from work one day and comes home to an empty house and a note on the kitchen counter because that's all that's left that says I want a divorce and I've got the kids and you can't ever see them again. Those are the kind of things that happen when things are allowed to build and build and build until finally they go boom. Now there are a lot of people and it's often women who tell their story over and over and over again, but the husband and this is just generally the husband hears them and then discounts it or said oh, you're just complaining, oh you're just this, oh you're just that, and you don't give any credence to the truths that are being said by your spouse. Don't fall into that trap, because if you're not listening, you won't have anyone that will listen to you.
Speaker 1:Right, I think that that's so. That's very powerful. And think of it even like as a fire. You know, think of a fireplace. A fireplace, what Worms the house? But if a fireplace is left unattended, what can happen? It can burn down the house. But if a fireplace is left unattended, what can happen? It can burn down the house. So the skill isn't about avoiding, it's about learning how to tend to the fire.
Speaker 2:I love that. That's great yeah.
Speaker 1:Thank you. All right. So which of these three myths the 50-50, never go to bed angry or conflict-free marriage do you feel shows up in our relationship the most, or do you feel like any of them do?
Speaker 2:I think all of them have at one time or another think that we kind of started out with a 50-50 kind of approach and we thought we should never go to bed angry and had lots of late night talks because of it. But I think that we've learned so much over the years of what works and what doesn't and those things don't.
Speaker 1:Exactly, and I think we're debunking these myths. In our personal lives as well to seeing, if you were to pick one of these three myths that we talked about and focus in making sure that we don't fall into that trap. What could that small shift look like for you?
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness, that is a hard one, because I feel like that we've worked so much for these kinds of things that it's hard to know what would be the most impactful right now. And I think that for me, the maintaining generosity towards each other and not worrying about who's doing what, but always looking out for the other and making sure that the other person's needs are met, because chances are, if the other person's needs are met, honey, if your needs are met, I am certain mine are Okay. So if I concentrate on making sure that I check in with you and say, okay, have I missed anything? Is there anything that you wished I would have done or said or did differently? And so that giving each other opportunity to discuss where you are and then continue to deepen the relationship by working through issues as they come.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and I too think that generosity is huge, because, like I mentioned earlier, when you have a desire to help the other person, then they have a greater desire to help you as well. And I'd also like to add that staying curious and keeping that compassion in place Because when you can have compassion for your spouse and being curious and asking those questions, you're not going to go down these traps, and it's easy to do, though, and when you start to have kind of that little tickle of some bad feelings, boy, you fill it in with all sorts of stuff. So if you can just ask those pertinent questions and be curious and give each other the benefit of the doubt, boy, that can go a long way.
Speaker 2:Sure can I love how you said that giving each other the benefit of the doubt. I don't believe anybody really gets out of bed thinking how can I have found my spouse today? How can I make her?
Speaker 1:life.
Speaker 2:Maybe there might be a few but Well, I mean not that want to stay together, Right, true, you know people that want to stay together. Don't think I'm going to do this, and I hope that it really gets under her skin, you know. And the other thing is is that when you find things that do get under the other person's skin, gosh, avoid them, don't needle them, don't push them harder, don't make fun of them. You know, respect them.
Speaker 1:I like that. I like that a lot. Now today we debunked three more myths. Just talked about them that marriage should be 50 50, that you should never go to bed angry so glad we talked about that one and that healthy couples never fight. Hopefully you're starting to see that these myths aren't just unrealistic. They can actually sabotage connection if we continue to cling to them Now. Next time we're going to finish the series with the last three myths seven through 10, and some of the biggest whoppers of them all. But here's your takeaway Marriage isn't about following catchy slogans.
Speaker 1:It's about choosing generosity over math, rest over exhaustion and repair over avoidance. That's what builds resilience. So I have a weekly challenge that I want you to think about. Number one I want you to trade your 50-50 for 100 over 100. Instead of keeping score, ask yourself what's one way I can give 100% today, no matter what my spouse is giving this. But how can I give 100%? Because I guarantee you that is contagious. So watch how generosity changes the atmosphere, just like Dr Jeff just shared with us. Number two pause instead of push. If conflict pops up at night, try saying I love you, let's rest and finish this tomorrow. Then notice how rest makes repair easier. And number three and number three practice small repairs. When tension arises, do one small repair A gentle touch, a smile, a saying, a comment, a compliment that may have came out wrong. Change it to make it right. Can I try again? Small repairs build big trust.
Speaker 1:So I just want to thank you for joining us today and if this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend. We'd love to hear from you. Please share the review and stay tuned for part three. So until next time, please keep choosing each other. Goodbye everybody, bye. Thanks for tuning in to the Q&A Files, delighted to share today's gems of wisdom with you. Your questions light up our show, fueling the engaging dialogues that make our community extra special. Keep sending your questions to trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom. Your curiosity is our compass. Please hit, subscribe, spread the word and let's grow the circle of insight and community together. I'm Trisha Jameson, signing off. Stay curious, keep thriving and keep smiling, and I'll catch you on the next episode.
