Ep 75: "It Wasn’t That Bad" Why Minimizing Abuse Is the Patriarchy’s Favorite Weapon? COVERT ABUSE & TRAUMA BONDING

So many women whisper to themselves… “It wasn’t that bad.” I know, because I used to be one of them.

In this episode of The Dimple Bindra Show, I’m sharing a personal story and breaking down what covert abuse really looks like, the kind that doesn’t leave bruises, but leaves you questioning your worth. I talk about trauma bonding, why women minimize emotional pain, and how the patriarchy teaches us to stay quiet and stay small.

If you’ve ever felt like something was “off” in your relationship but couldn’t explain it, this episode is for you.

I’ll guide you through:

• Naming the abuse no one talks about
• Understanding trauma bonding
• How to take your power back, even if no one says sorry
• Simple ways to come back to yourself through breath, movement, and self-compassion

You’re not broken.. you’re awakening. And you don’t have to heal alone.

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 💜 Join the “You Are Awakening” Circle – coming soon
 📩 Book a free 20-minute consultation with me

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Transcript

It wasn't that bad. That's what most women say to themselves and to their friends every day. And why minimizing abuse is the patriarchy's favorite weapon. You didn't imagine it. The tension in your chest, the confusion in your gut, the fear of saying something because you didn't know how he'd react, even if he never hit you, even if it looked fine from the outside. Something probably always felt off.

Welcome to the Dimple Bindra show. I'm your host, Dimple, a trauma survivor, a yoga teacher, a spiritual life coach, and a woman who finally said no more. If this episode brings you even a moment of clarity, peace, or resonance, then please leave us a review. Because it really helps more women to find the space and know that they are not alone.

Today we're gonna talk about something that most people never name because it's invisible. It's called covert abuse. It's the subtle, manipulative, hard to explain kind of control that makes you question yourself more than anything else. And how the patriarchy, yes, the whole system we live in, teaches us to normalize it.

Before we go into what this is, I'm gonna tell you a story. Back in 2016, in my first relationship when I got married. I was dressing up, got ready because my ex at that time wanted to take me out someplace. As I came downstairs, you know what's the stuff he told me? He said, Oh my God, you look so ugly. And I looked back at him, and in fact that day when I was, my hair was down, I was wearing my nice dress and I'm like, what the fuck did he just say? You know, I got so pissed off and I looked at him. I'm like, please watch your language, and I do not appreciate what you're telling me. Just that one statement made so much of turmoil in my mind that I started questioning myself. I'm like, am I really ugly? Am I really not beautiful? You know, even though I had worked so many years of bringing this own trauma of mine to the surface, I had worked on healing it, but just that one statement pissed the shit out of me, and I'm like, wow, this, if this can hit me, it can probably hit so many other women that are dealing with this every day. And now I understand this years later that that was covert abuse.

In today's episode, we are going to talk about why women minimize emotional abuse, what trauma bonding really feels like. And how you can begin bringing your power back into you, even if no one else ever validated your pain. So stay tuned.

So I wanna really speak to that part of you that still wonders. Like, was it really abuse? When I speak to all these women and I ask them about sharing their story or sharing a memory of theirs that they wanna change, sometimes they just minimize the abuse of the abuser. Let me tell you something that no one else may have told you. You didn't deserve to be silenced. You didn't deserve to question your memory. And you did not deserve the apology that never came. You were probably taught by culture, by your family, by the society and the world that the abuse only counts if it leaves a bruise, but that's not true, right?

We all know that it's not just the physical violence that leaves bruises, it's sometimes the words that have been told to us by our partners, by others that leaves deep emotional scars within us. What about covert abuse, right? Have you even heard this word before? If not, I'm gonna actually really educate you on from my experience and my client's experience on what this truly is. It's real and it's everywhere. And you know how you can sense this abuse? It's the eye roll when we speak, or it's the silent treatment when you set a boundary. Or the constant second guessing just because he made you feel crazy. You could feel emotional withholding. Especially when you get gaslighted or you feel like you're tripping on your own guilt, that's abuse.

And here's what makes it worse. The patriarchy culture trains women to normalize pain. From the time we were little girls we were taught, be quiet, be good, keep the peace. Don't talk back. Boys will be boys. Be the bigger person. I remember I grew up in Abu Dhabi and my brothers were allowed to play down. On the ground floor, they used to play cricket and football, and I was not allowed that. I was supposed to look at these boys from the 4th floor balcony and I used to wonder why I can't go downstairs and play, why I am supposed to play with my friends in the house and the boys are allowed to go outside the house. What that really means to so many of us women, especially when we are shut down by our culture, is that don't make a scene, you know, don't be hard to love or don't speak the truth if it makes someone uncomfortable.

So what do we do then? We start hiding ourselves, we start shrinking ourselves, we laugh things off that breaks the shit out of our hearts. And when someone treats us badly, instead of leaving. We ask ourselves, what's wrong with me?

Now let's talk about why it feels so hard to leave, even when you know it's wrong. This is called trauma bonding. When someone hurts you, and then becomes your comfort too. When the person who breaks your heart is also the one who holds you while you cry, your body gets addicted to this cycle of pain and relief. And the most heartbreaking part, right, is that you don't even freaking realize it. We call it love. You call it love. You call it loyalty, but it's actually trauma. You're not weak for missing them. You're not stupid for staying, and you were trained to survive, but that survival strategy that you're probably using isn't the same as healing.

So now what? How do you get your power back, even if no one ever says sorry to you? I want to share a story that I have witnessed in my family, that every time my dad would abuse my mom. She would cry and sometimes she would just close the door and we would say, Mom, why don't you just leave? You know, why don't you just leave? My mom was, my mom didn't have a source of income back then. So she would say no if I leave, what will happen to your kids, but you know you guys, so she kept on staying with my dad just because culturally, especially in the Indian culture and the Asian culture, we are wired to stay in broken marriages. We are told by our parents and our society that oh. You have to live forever for the rest of your life. And to me, I feel like that is straight bullshit because when the woman is not even happy with her husband, why the fuck is she even staying?

And now I get it. It's the trauma bonding that was happening with my mom and then my dad, right? It's because she would feel so guilty of leaving that she would end up staying with the person who's abusing her daily.

So how can you actually find your power if you are in such a relationship? You have to start by saying the words to yourself. These words have really helped me a lot, especially from moving on from my previous relationship, which is what happened to me is not OK. What happened to me was not OK. We always start there. When we start there we somehow bring our power back to ourselves. We are basically telling ourselves that whatever is happening to me at this time is not OK, this that I'm feeling in my body from this person, that person needs to take responsibility and I'm not gonna take his responsibility.

So that's how you start. You don't need to force them to admit that they made a mistake because sometimes they won't, right? Depending on the personality that you're married to or you're staying with, you don't need them to admit it. You don't need your mother, your sister. or your ex to finally validate you. You just need you. You just need to tell yourself that this is not OK. I don't like this. I don't feel good about this, and that's how you start. So we start by saying this is not OK. And then you start by naming the pattern. You claim your truth. You speak gently to the version of you who stayed, because she only stayed because she wanted to survive.

So here is what I did. When I finally decided that I wanna move out of this place that I was living at with my ex. When I moved to a new place, I literally would sit down with myself and I would say, OK, Dimple, you need to literally forgive that part of you who went and married this guy. You have to forgive that part of you who moved from California to Wisconsin just because you thought it would be a good marriage and you will live there for the rest of your life. You have to forgive that part of you that made these mistakes like for staying, for making it work, for discount. Counting their behavior.

So this is what I recommend to you as well. Sometimes we have to forgive that part of ourselves that we know has made a mistake and it's OK. We're humans, right? So just the awareness. OK, I'm releasing that part of me. I am forgiving that part of me and I'm going to grieve that part of me that made this choice at that time. I am no longer that person today, but I am going to let that person go. I'm gonna let that past version of mine go away.

So when you start naming that pattern and you claim your truth, then you speak gently to that version of you who stayed, right? Because she stayed because she was only trying to survive. Then begin the slow, sacred process of coming back home to your body, because in the end, your body is your inner home, your inner temple, your inner soul, your inner higher self, your inner child, so you would need to bring yourself back to yourself, which means start with breath, start with. Movement start with having a safe community.

So have a breathing practice, have a movement practice whether it's yoga, walking, dancing, weight lifting doesn't matter, anything that makes you feel good, and then have a place to go to because if you go to certain places that you feel safe about that will be your community where you can heal.

And ladies, if you're listening to this podcast today, I just want to tell you that that's why, that's why I created the You Are Awakening circle. We haven't started the circle yet, but if you really want a safer space where other women can hold space for you and you are led by a coach and experts to guide you on your journey, because I feel that no woman should ever have to do this healing process by herself, she should not be doing this work alone.

And if you're not ready to talk to anyone about this yet, that's OK. You know, that's why if you're not like ready to talk to anyone, that's why I made a free quiz to help you gently explore your healing archetype. It's private, it's powerful, and it's the first beautiful step that you can take. You can just start with your free quiz and see what your healing archetype is. And from there, if you ever feel like, yeah, this is. What I am and this is the mistakes I've been doing because I have this archetype. This is my archetype then if you feel like you want a space of supportive women who can help you on your journey and you want to be in a community setting where I will guide you how to heal because I have healed over 1000 women already in my in my practice, then feel free to join our circle, but you should start with the quiz and then.

I just want to say that it's a very private and a powerful first step for you. Just to know what archetype you have, maybe that's the pattern you're showing and that's why you have been shamed, you have been. You have been called names already, that's why you you probably became a people pleaser, that's why probably you are discounting your behavior of your partner or the abuser, so you can find that link in the show notes or my bio.

And if today's episode spoke to your heart, then please leave us a review and it's how we reach more women who are still in silence, still in shame, and still believing that it wasn't that bad, you know. And make sure to follow me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, LinkedIn, at dimple Binja coach for my Instagram and all my other show. All my other links will be under the show notes for a more healing content and for more wisdom on how to survive this and for sisterhood.

And remember you're not broken, you are awakening. And the most powerful thing you can do now is just come back to yourself. Come back to your beautiful self, because you're unique, you're powerful. You just don't know that yet.

I'm Dimple and thank you for being here and I'll see you next time. Always remember, metamorphosis, not medication and namaste.

For all of our listeners, if you have any questions and you really want the answers for it, then feel free to book a 20 minute free consultation with me. And if you love this episode, then please give us a review on iTunes. Thank you so much and see you on another episode.