Eps 83: From Shy to Strong, How Sports Build Confident Girls with Jeff Lamb

What if the court was the first place a girl learns to say "no"?

In this deeply moving and inspiring episode of The Dimple Bindra Show, we sit down with legendary educator, coach, and mentor Jeff Lamb, whose 48-year career has shaped the lives of thousands of young women through the world of sports. But this isn’t just a conversation about volleyball or basketball, this is about how sports become the first safe space where girls learn confidence, boundaries, and self-leadership.

From his humble beginnings accidentally stepping into girls’ volleyball coaching to being honored as California State Athletic Director of the Year and receiving the CIF Model Coach Award, Jeff’s journey is a masterclass in mentorship. He shares powerful stories of transformation of girls who walked into the gym shy, scared, unsure of themselves and left four years later with a voice, a sense of purpose, and unshakable belief in their own power.

Whether you’re a parent of a daughter, a coach, educator, or mentor, or a woman healing her inner teenager, this episode will remind you that the field, the court, the team, it’s never just a game. It’s where resilience is built, emotional intelligence is taught, and self-worth is discovered.

We also explore:

• The impact of Title IX and why access to sports still isn’t fully equal
• How girls and boys respond differently to coaching and why that matters
• Why emotional safety and honest mentorship are key to lasting confidence
• What it means to lead from within even if you’re quiet or unsure
• How daily habits, consistency, and positive self-talk shape long-term leadership?

You’ll leave this episode with a new perspective on what sports really teach girls and why that may be the foundation for how they show up in life, relationships, and leadership.

Coach Jeff also shares timeless wisdom on parenting, emotional resilience, and the quiet moments that shape a person’s character. 

His message is clear.. You don’t need to be loud to lead. You just need to start.

🌱 And always remember.. Metamorphosis, not medication. Namaste.

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Thanks for listening! Please leave a 5 star review and share your thoughts.  It helps more women find this healing space. Your healing journey starts here. Namaste. 

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If you are interested in diving deeper into how you can heal,  follow the link to embark on a transformative journey that goes beyond the mind, reshaping both your personal and professional life: https://dimplebindra.com/

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Transcript

0:15

What if the lessons your daughter learns on the court could shape her entire future?

0:21

In this powerful episode, we explore how sports can do more than build physical strength.

0:28

They can unlock confidence, courage, and a woman's ability to say no, whether you are a parent, a coach, or a woman healing her inner teenager.

0:39

This conversation with legendary coach Jeff Lam will remind you that the field is more than a game.

0:47

It's where girls learn to lead, speak up and trust themselves.

0:53

So for over 48 years coach Jeff Lam has been a powerhouse in shaping not just athletes but strong, confident young women.

1:03

A legendary educator, coach, and athletic director at the Milpitas High School, he has led 83.

1:12

Seasons across girls volleyball, basketball, and softball, instilling in his players the values of resilience, leadership, and self-worth.

1:23

His unmatched legacy includes being named the California State Athletic Director of the Year, State volleyball Coach of the Year, and receiving honors like the CIF Model Coach Award.

1:36

Distinguished Service Awards and the CSADA Sue Kamiyama Leadership Award.

1:44

But beyond the accolades lies Jeff's true legacy.

1:48

Building spaces where girls discover their voices, learn to own their boundaries, and walk away from the court with the kind of confidence that changes lives.

2:00

He is also the namesake of the Jeff Lam scholarship awarded to student athletes pursuing careers in teaching and coaching.

2:10

Welcome to the show, Jeff.

2:12

Thanks, Dimple.

2:13

Thanks for having me.

2:15

I'm so excited that you're here today.

2:17

I've had the honor of knowing Jeff for a few years now as my client, but truthfully, every minute I spend with him, I learn something new.

2:26

He's become such a father figure in my life, and it means the world to me to sit down with him for this conversation.

2:33

His wisdom, his heart and belief in young women's potential is something the world needs to hear.

2:39

So Jeff, I'm super excited and nervous at the same time.

2:43

Don't be nervous.

2:44

I'm the one that should be nervous.

2:46

Thank you.

2:47

So, sir, tell me, when you look back on your 48 year career, wow, what moments made you the proudest?

2:56

Not as a coach, but as a mentor?

2:58

I think the things that help the most when someone does that is that when they come back and and You get thanked, you get thanked for saying, helping you from young ladies, thank you for helping me grow up.

3:10

You know, that's, that's a big deal, you know, because in high school, they're going from, you know, young girls to, you know, young women and so it's, it's, it's important that they have the right type of I just want to say male role models in their lives too, so that, that, that, that they're able to accept the fact that you can say, you know, you, because when we're coaching, we're not just teaching.

3:36

The sport.

3:37

We, if we're doing it the right way, we're teaching skills.

3:40

And so that's what we attempt to do.

3:42

So actually when you get those thanks and say thank you for helping me grow up, and then several years later, every once in a while somebody will send me something and they will email me and they would just say, hey, thank you, thank you again, and this is maybe 1015 years after they've, they've gotten out of high school.

3:59

And a few of them have even said they were What was the right where they go, Well, we, we were scared of you.

4:06

That's what they said, we were scared of you.

4:08

And, and then when they would back up, they go, no, we were scared of disappointing you, which, you know, which was a huge compliment.

4:15

So those are the types of things that really mean more than, than, than anything else, you know, sports are fantastic.

4:22

I wouldn't do it for that long if I didn't enjoy it, but it's the residual stuff that you get out of sports that really are are much more important than any wins or losses.

4:33

Thank you.

4:34

And you also mentioned to me offline that it's been 48 years now, but you are gonna work up to 50.

4:41

Well, that's my goal.

4:42

That's my goal.

4:43

We'll see.

4:43

We'll see if it's only 2 more years, so that's, I should be able to do that.

4:48

Oh yeah, 100%.

4:50

I definitely feel wow, 48 years already.

4:53

I mean, it's a very big achievement.

4:55

I don't.

4:56

I, you know, especially in Silicon Valley where people job hop every 2 years, every 3 years, and you've been staying in one career for so long.

5:04

My one of my other questions that I really, I was curious about is, why did you gravitate towards coaching girls sports in particular?

5:12

Why not boys?

5:14

It was accidental.

5:15

It was, it was, it was truly accidental.

5:18

But when I first started coaching, I was coaching boys swimming and, and boys water polo, and that I knew nothing about either one, but they needed a coach and I'm one of those individuals and he asked me to do it.

5:32

Sure, I'll do it, you know.

5:33

Had to go to the, had to get some other mentors to help me with that type of stuff.

5:38

And then I was supposed to coach boys freshman football.

5:43

And when and what happened is that this is like late 70s, and at that time, education was cutting all kinds of money.

5:52

So I've been gone for the summer for my summer job.

5:55

I'd come back cause I was only substitute teaching and coaching and doing all this other stuff.

6:00

And then they said, oh, sorry, we cut the freshman football team.

6:04

And so I, I did not have a coaching job, but my roommate at the time had had literally put his, his resume out to a lot of different schools, and they called him, it was Saratoga High School called him at the time and said they were looking for a girls JV volleyball coach.

6:20

And I would just happen to be standing next to him when they made the phone call, and he could not do it because he, because he had already taken a job coaching at another school.

6:29

I go, tell them that your roommate will do it.

6:31

So then he, and he goes, my roommate says he'll do it.

6:35

And so I went the next day and I get interviewed and that's how I got the job.

6:38

So there wasn't, there wasn't, and that was, you know, so that's how I started coaching girls sports.

6:44

Wow, that's an amazing story.

6:46

It's really cool and it's like by luck, you got this, huh?

6:50

Well, yeah, you know, sometimes I think in life things, if you, I, I, I guess I think that's the way I've been very fortunate is that things have just gone the right way so that they end up being in the right place, even though it sometimes you don't think that's what it's supposed to be, you know, it's like, oh, I was supposed to coach football, you know, I played football.

7:08

I mean, I know all those type of stuff.

7:10

And I had really only taken volleyball I took volleyball classes in, in college and enjoyed it.

7:15

But, you know, so here I, but I got that thing, got the job and then, you know, I just delved into learning more and more and more, and then, you know, obviously now I've been doing it for You know, well over 40 years.

7:28

So, and so why do I, you know, how do I, so having coached the girls, especially back then, I found them much more receptive to coaching.

7:40

The the, the, especially because like when, when I started doing this, Title 9 was just going into effect.

7:47

Girls had not been playing the same type of organized sports that the boys had.

7:52

So Title 9 dictated that, you know, that girls had to have equal access to sports and this type of stuff.

7:58

And So the girls were much more receptive to coaching because they didn't, they didn't come in thinking that they know it all.

8:07

So it was just for me, it was just much more pleasurable, you know, to, to, to be in that atmosphere because I enjoy teaching, I enjoy the teaching part.

8:15

And if you've ever had to teach somebody who doesn't want to be taught, it, that's not very enjoyable.

8:19

So I think that that's why, that's why I did it and then I've just stuck with it because I don't think it's, it's changed.

8:27

Because now these young ladies would have been playing sports, you know, growing up playing their sports their whole life.

8:33

But still for the most part, I find the female athletes to still not be.

8:40

Quite to that point where we know everything.

8:42

There's nothing you can tell us, and so that's the part I like.

8:46

Very cool.

8:47

Can you tell the audience what does Title IX mean?

8:49

Well, Title IX was was done by the federal government that essentially said that females now had to be allowed to play sports because prior to that, at the high school level they had some type of programs but they were not.

9:04

The same.

9:04

They were not even close to being equal to what, you know, what the boys had in schools.

9:09

So, Title IX just says that, you know, and it's not basic, it just has to be, it's not gender bias, it just said it has to be equitable at points.

9:18

And so, it allowed girls to have sports, and it's still, and, and even after all these years.

9:23

There's still an inequity in between the number of boys who play high school sports and the number of girls who play high school sports because the ratio should be the same, you know, if your school is 50/50, then the sports should be 50/50, and in most cases, it's not.

9:40

It's gotten a lot better, but it's still not, you know, to that, to that point.

9:46

Interesting.

9:47

Yeah, and so, and so now they don't call it Title 9 now, but because it's been rolled over into the, the Office of Civil Rights.

9:54

So it's really important that that schools do their best job to make sure that, that they're, you know, that they're being as equitable as possible.

10:02

And it's not equal, and I always say that it's not equal because it's, it's equitable because It doesn't have to be the same amount of money, but it has to get the at least same amount of services and same equipment, the same uniforms, whatever it is, that's that's what has to take place.

10:17

What about, I'm gonna digress a bit.

10:19

Do you see a difference in how girls showed up in sport at the start of your career versus towards the end of your career?

10:28

Is there a difference because of?

10:29

Yeah, well, yeah, no, I think, I think now you have, you, you have a lot more of young ladies walking into a gym or to the fields or whatever, with, with more confidence because they've been doing it for a long time.

10:42

You know, even, even back when if someone was a good athlete, they probably didn't know it because they hadn't had that opportunity.

10:50

Now if you grow up playing sports, Yeah, it's you know, it's changed, and it's changed it, and it's changed in some ways from the coaching aspect, not better, because, you know, you, you, you now you start to act more like, you know, I know, I know what's going on, but, but it's better for them because of the fact that now, you know, these young ladies are coming in and they're playing sports, and they have a lot more confidence in themselves.

11:16

And you know, some people All you have to do is have confidence in some aspect of your whole life that, you know, that can then carry over to the others, because, you know, many of us are, were shy or this type of stuff like I was.

11:28

I was very, very shy when I was younger, but I was always a good athlete, so I was always confident in that field.

11:34

So I think if you have confidence in some field in your life, no matter what it is, you can make that carry over into other parts of your life.

11:42

That's amazing cause I was gonna ask you about confidence.

11:45

So in your experience, how does playing team sports help girls build confidence in who they actually are?

11:53

It, you know, and it's different for everybody, and it's because everybody, everybody doesn't progress at the same rate.

12:00

And I think one of the huge things about playing team sports is it's not just about you.

12:08

It's, it's, it's not just about you, it's, it's about the team and you have to learn that.

12:13

You have to, you know, sometimes you have to learn, no, it's, it's not about me, it's about the team because you don't win or lose as an individual, you lose and win and lose as as a team.

12:26

Now within that, there's obviously there's the players who are really good.

12:30

There's the players who were good or average, and then there's some that aren't as good.

12:35

But the important part with that is that if everybody needs to find a role within the team, and everybody, everybody should be a leader in some aspect, if they, if they really want to be part of the team.

12:47

Even if it means you're the best cheerer on the bench during the game, that's a role that you can take on.

12:54

And I, I think it, team sports teaches you that you have, you have to contribute.

13:00

As we always say, in the team sports, you're only good as your weakest link.

13:04

So, you know, you're only as good as, as the, the, the weakest player on your team because they're gonna play.

13:11

And so you want, you want everybody to be going in the same direction.

13:15

You want everybody to be getting better, but you want to take those.

13:18

Who are near the bottom and, and get them closer to the middle and then you don't really have a bottom anymore.

13:24

You just, you have a, there's always a bottom, right?

13:26

There's always a top, but, but the, it's, it's a lot closer and that's what you want.

13:31

You want, you don't want a big discrepancy in skill levels, no matter what the sport is.

13:37

Mhm.

13:37

And you also mentioned, you were a shy kid and then you came into sports.

13:42

So basically you became an athlete.

13:44

, could you tell me a little bit about when you were shy and then you entered becoming an athlete?

13:50

How was that for you?

13:51

Because my next question kind of ties into your story.

13:55

Well, I was shy until I was an adult, so, so, so playing sports was not.

14:04

I was very confident in that area, you know, I, I, I wasn't a, I was a very good athlete in all kinds of sports.

14:10

I was never great in any of them, but I was good in, in most all the, so I, I've always had that level of like, well, I, I'm good, right?

14:20

I can do this.

14:21

And I knew I was good.

14:21

I knew I could jump high, I could run fast.

14:23

I mean, these are things that you know, and it's not even being conceded.

14:27

It's just, yes, that, that is what it is.

14:30

And then it took me a long time though to, to, to to bring that into my personal life as an adult, that, you know, I, I was just very, I was very quiet.

14:40

I, the thing that when I think back, more people saw leadership skills in me than I saw in myself.

14:49

But because of that, then I got forced into or requested to do things that put me in leadership roles, even though I was surprised that anybody wanted me to do it.

14:59

And after a while, it, it just helps you, you know, because it's, it's like anything.

15:05

You know, because people would see me now and they go, you're shy, you gotta be kidding me.

15:09

And it's like, I can't believe it.

15:11

But it was, but, but you learn not to be.

15:14

So I think it's, it's like anything.

15:15

It's, it's like, and once you do something and you've done it.

15:19

And, and now you're successful doing it.

15:21

Well, now you're not anymore.

15:23

So, you know, I mean, so when I have to go and do, I, you know, I used to have to be asked to MC volleyball banquets for the state and this type of stuff, and I'm going like, well, you know, I was nervous as heck, but I did it.

15:34

I lived and it went OK.

15:37

So the next time you do it, it's not so bad, you know, so, and I think that's, that's what, what happens.

15:43

So, so it's not something that went away.

15:46

Right away, but, but I think what happened is because I was good at sports, and I was a, a, a decent student.

15:54

I wasn't a bad student.

15:55

I was, I was a good student.

15:56

Once again, I wasn't a great student, but I was a very good student.

15:59

I think knowing that you can be successful in parts of your life then carries over to other parts, you know, and so it's not always, it's not always.

16:10

Something that's right there.

16:12

I've had young ladies who we, you know, who want to be who don't want to be leaders on the team because they think they'd have to say something and we just try to tell them, well, it's not, sometimes you don't have to say anything, it's your actions.

16:24

You know, if you're the best player on the team, but you work the hardest and you do all the things, you don't even have to say anything.

16:30

Other people see that.

16:32

And that's really important.

16:34

And so we always say in sports, if you want, you want to be a great team, then your best players are the ones who are the hardest workers.

16:42

They're the ones who are, who are doing everything.

16:44

If, if your best players are doing everything they're supposed to, then nobody else can sit there and say, well, I can't.

16:50

And, and it's one of the things I learned after a while, so a lot of Because we're doing high school, so they they come in in as freshmen and they're 13 or 14 years old, and then they're leaving high school at 18 years old.

17:03

And so the freshmen will come in and then they see the girls who are playing, who are like on the varsity level and they're pretty good, and they're really intimidated.

17:11

And then you, after a while you go, they all look like you when they started, you know, and so.

17:17

And, and so I think it's that part that you can sit there and say, no, one day that one day that could be you.

17:23

And one day, you know, if you work hard, that could, that you're gonna be in that same place, and those same freshmen are gonna come in and look at you and go, oh my gosh, look at them.

17:32

And I, I, it gives you.

17:35

It, it gives you something to achieve too.

17:38

And you know, and to set your standards.

17:40

So that's, that can be, that could be a double-edged sword because of the ones that your, at your top level are not have, let's say, are not the best and have not, are not the hard workers in this type of stuff, then it's, that can lower your standards.

17:54

So as a coach, you have to make sure that you remind them that they are role models and that, you know, that other people are watching them.

18:02

And it, it, it's, it's the same thing as a coach or a teacher.

18:06

Whether you want to or not, you are a role model.

18:09

People look at you, they expect you to do, to do the right thing.

18:12

It doesn't mean you don't make mistakes because everybody makes mistakes.

18:15

But yeah, I just made a mistake in the beginning of this podcast and Jeff knows about it.

18:21

But, but, but making mistakes is not a sign, it's, in fact, when you make a mistake and you admit mistakes, people are more receptive to that.

18:30

And so it's, it's, and it's one of the things.

18:33

I was very cognizant of it and still am.

18:36

I sort of have to walk my talk.

18:38

I can't, I can't sit there and say, yeah, you do this, and then I do something different.

18:43

And, and even as an athletic director with all of my coaches, I had to make sure that if I'm asking coaches to do A, B, C, and D, then I'd better be doing A, B, C, D, and E.

18:54

I have to do more.

18:55

I can't do less.

18:56

And because I don't think if you ask someone to do something that you don't do yourself, why would I listen to you?

19:03

Exactly, exactly.

19:05

And so within that, you're gonna make mistakes.

19:07

So when you make the mistakes, you just got to, oh, sorry, made a mistake, you know, and work on it.

19:11

Now, it's, you can't say, you can't make, keep, keep making that same mistake every day because then you're not making any attempt to get better.

19:19

But, and I, I think that's the difference.

19:23

And in coaching them all this time, I have never rested on my laurels, like, I don't know it all.

19:28

I don't even think I know it all.

19:30

And, and I can always get better.

19:32

And I, in everything, you could always get better at what you're doing.

19:37

And I think that's the key part to life, is that always try and get better.

19:43

It maybe only a little bit, but if you can just get a little better at it, you know, and not say, well, it, it's good enough, because, and I just think that's what helps keep you act younger.

19:53

I mean, I'm 71 years old, you know, I, I don't think I always act like, who knows, you know, I mean, it's like, what is a 71 year old, but I look at other people and I go, oh, they're, they're younger than me and they're acting like, you know, that they, they can't do anything.

20:08

And I just say, no, just keep active and do what you're doing.

20:13

And like I said, and always try to get better and, and if in getting better just means just learning a little more, just learning a little more.

20:21

That's amazing.

20:22

That's, that's coming from, you know, an athlete, a former athlete and a coach, because that brings me to my next question, which is, can you think of, and here is You were a shy person and then all of a sudden you went, you know, into becoming a coach and it happened by accident for you, but can you share a story if you remember of any girl who came in shy or unsure and completely transformed through sports?

20:50

We would love to know that.

20:52

I, I don't know that I have a specific one.

20:56

Sure.

20:57

But there's a lot of them that they come here.

20:59

There's a lot of them, sure, because they come in and they're, and they're timid.

21:03

You can watch it, you can watch, it's, it's funny, you can, we learn after a while when someone walks like with volleyball and basketball because I was always in the gym.

21:11

So you know, they walk in the gym and you go, oh, that person's an athlete.

21:14

You know, you could just, you could just tell whether they were an athlete or not just by the way they carried themselves.

21:19

And there were, there's some that come in and they don't have that yet.

21:24

Can you, can you give us an example, like when, how do you know as a, OK, so, so I, I can think of some of the freshman girls, you know, they come in it's their first time there and the way they're dressed, you know, just the, just the way they're dressed.

21:36

They don't, they, they're not dressed like I'm ready to go play volleyball.

21:40

I'm ready to, you were doing all the stuff with the leggings and all this type of stuff, and you come in to play sports and that's how you dress.

21:46

And you're just going like, yeah, what are you doing, you know, but OK, but you don't, you can't say it that way.

21:51

and that's I was always very cognizant of not making fun of someone for the way they dress or how they look, just because I would be mortified if someone did that to me, so I wouldn't do it.

22:02

But you'll watch in and so they'll come in and, and they're doing that, and then within a week or two.

22:09

That's all changed because then they started to say, oh, this is, this is, oh, this is what we're supposed to do.

22:14

And this, and then, and then.

22:17

These young ladies who were not knowing what to do, you know, and, and, and now all of a sudden, by the time they're leaving, they're the ones that's showing everybody else.

22:26

If you're doing a good job as coaching, after a while, you don't, you, and you have returning players, you don't have to teach the young ones, the older players teach the young ones.

22:35

Because they, they have the expectations.

22:37

So you, so I say it's not just one, I would say it's almost all of them that go through that phase, especially when, when you're in high school, and you know, those are very formative years, you know, and, and literally when you're leaving, you're a young adult, you know, when you come in, you're still a young person, and so, and you see that and very few.

22:56

There's some that you have to remind, you know, that, that, that's the role that they're in, and, but the, but the ones who are really good at it, you don't have to say anything.

23:05

They, they learned to take charge.

23:07

And some of these wouldn't, I want to say this, they would never have done that in the first place.

23:11

They are not the person.

23:12

that was taking charge.

23:14

Now they're the person that's saying, hey, you need to do this, you need to do that.

23:17

And, and, and in a way, you try and teach so that you're not bossing somebody around, you're reminding them, these, these are the expectations.

23:25

And so I can remember someone coming in and I it was, it was the start of practice and we had to, there was something wrong in the electrical room in the gym, and they needed to talk to me about it, whatever.

23:37

And then they turned around and they said, Your girls all started practice.

23:43

And you never said a word to them.

23:45

And I, of course not, because they know what they're supposed to do and they make sure that everybody else is doing it.

23:51

And so, and it was a nice compliment, but I know, but I, but that was a daily, that was a daily thing, you know, it's just like you can teach someone, but if they don't choose to learn, then, then that's, that's on them.

24:02

But the reality of it is if you're really teaching someone, then you don't have to, you don't have to tell them again.

24:07

Yeah, so cool.

24:09

So they were so receptive of your teachings, especially when a girl is super shy, and now she's completely transforming.

24:16

Well, you know, and, and to be fair, you know, to be fair, they go from because they're completely afraid of you and they don't want to get in trouble, you know, you know, you know, to now.

24:25

Now, now they understand, and that was one of the greatest compliments that I got some from my older players.

24:31

It was one day, they didn't say anything else.

24:33

Actually, this is, they had already graduated, now they were helping coach, and they didn't, and two of them walked up to me and they didn't say anything else.

24:41

They just said, now we understand.

24:43

, interesting.

24:45

Now we understand.

24:46

They under they didn't understand why are you always having to say the same thing over.

24:49

Why are you having to do this?

24:50

And then they go, oh, now we get it.

24:52

And so I, I, I always equate coaching for the long term.

24:56

It's like being a parent.

24:57

Your kids don't always get everything until they're older, you know, it's like, and, and, and the hard part about being a parent when you have kids, you know, they're young and you're taking care of them and they idolize you, and then they go come to an age where mom and dad are stupid.

25:12

And you know, don't know anything.

25:13

And then, and then I always go to them I wait till they're about 25 or 26, then you'll be bright again.

25:18

But you know, right now, but, but that's part, but you also learn that's part of the growing up.

25:24

That's part of the grow and see, that's one of the things that about if you, if coaching or whether it doesn't even have to be coaching per se, but, but if you're an adult in a role model type of situation, whether they're in the band, whether they're in a play, whatever, whatever it is.

25:40

But you, you have, you have to remember that you are the role model.

25:44

You sometimes you're a bigger role model than their parents at that age because the fact, you know, because that's their parents, you know, like, you know, it's like anything, you can't keep saying the same thing over and over.

25:55

And then I don't know how many kids, well, that's what my parents said, exactly that's what your parents said, because there's a reason why they said that, but, but being that outside person.

26:06

Gives you much more credibility.

26:08

I, I used to say I could go grab a person off the street, tell them everything to say exactly what to say, but present them as being this expert, and everybody would go, oh, did you listen?

26:22

Did you hear what they had to say?

26:23

You know, even though you're saying it every day, it's just, you have to hear different voices.

26:29

That, that's the part of it.

26:30

And when you can hear different voices and they're saying the same thing, then I think it sinks in a little more.

26:36

And you know, so that's, that's a part of being, you know, an adult, and, and I expect, I think especially being an adult male working with females, you have, you have to make sure that you do it the right way, you know, that you have to do it that way, that way.

26:53

And yes, sometimes as a coach, we're not, we're not always happy with them.

26:57

They're not always happy, they weren't always happy with me.

27:00

But you, but I always say, but that comes down to also like being a parent.

27:04

Our kids, parents don't like their kids every day.

27:06

They love them every day, but they don't like them and, and, and vice versa, you know, but that's part of it.

27:13

But you know, but they need to know that you're there for them, and I think that's the key.

27:17

If they know you're there for them, and that's the, that's the part that I'm not sure when I first started that I always Emoed that even though inside I thought I was.

27:30

But it was like all of a sudden you, you, you have to, you can almost coach whatever your coaching style is.

27:37

Especially with girls.

27:40

But when you can convince them that you're doing it for them and not for you, then they're much more receptive.

27:45

And I, and I, and I think that's how you get away with different things.

27:48

So some people go, you know, I was never, I never have and never will be one of these rat raw coaches, you know, that jumps up and down, you know, it just, it's just not, it's not my style nor my personality.

27:58

And if I were to do that, then that would be phony.

28:01

But, but I also, but I'm also that coach when they said, oh, well, when you give us a compliment.

28:08

Then it really means something, you know, because, you know, so, and I don't believe in giving false compliments, you know, it's just like in why tell what you're, you're breathing really well today, OK, you know, it's like, well, of course you're breathing, you know, but I'm just saying don't give false compliments, you know, and if you and, and if you're working with someone.

28:27

And, and they do something now that you, they haven't been able to do before, then you have to make, then you have to make sure you complement it because, you know, you've asked somebody to do this and they couldn't do it before and now they, and now they're starting to do it, then you have to acknowledge the fact that they're doing it.

28:43

But so that they could keep repeating that same path over and over again and that builds their confidence.

28:50

Right, right, and, and, and it's so funny we'll have, especially in volleyball, I can think of it this way, we will have girls who They will come in and they cannot overhand serve.

29:00

And, you know, and, and I, and I, and I've said this, I go, no, you can't today, but you will before you leave.

29:06

And, and, and there's not a girl that stayed in our program during those, that time that did not learn how to serve over it.

29:13

Not a single one.

29:14

There is nobody that ever, you know, because you just have, you have to practice.

29:18

And now, good, good coaching, then you help with the techniques and, and, and you look at them and say, well, this is why you can't.

29:25

Because you're doing A, B, or C, you know, and it's just sort of, and it was even, it was one of the girls who's on the varsity now, she was playing club volleyball for us and so she was playing, I think like when she was in 5th grade, and I didn't, I didn't remember this, and she goes, Oh, well, you're the one who taught me how to serve, you know, and it's like, and I'm just going like.

29:45

And I don't think anything of that because you just do it, right?

29:49

You know, you just, you just do it, but that's the part.

29:53

I think it, it, especially dealing with female athletes, you have to be honest and you have to be consistent.

30:01

If you're honest and consistent.

30:03

No matter what your personality are, they're gonna be much more receptive.

30:07

And I don't even know, but I don't know that that's true with boys, you know, it's just like, you know, because boys, I think sometimes we, they try to break them down to build them up, and I found out that doesn't work with females.

30:20

It just doesn't to break them down.

30:21

No, you, but you have to learn this to break them down doesn't, doesn't, doesn't make them better because as a male athlete, you said that to me, I would go, I'll show you, you know, I'll show you that's that's exact.

30:34

That builds up your ego for like a guy, but for a girl, it really, you know, diminishes her self-esteem.

30:40

Well, and that was one of the things that you learned it's like, oh well, you know, you, you, now you can tell them and that's why even when you, you have to make sure that you You sandwich it in, say something positive, then you can say the negative stuff, and then you better say something positive again.

30:56

Just, you know, and, and that's for everybody, but I'm just saying, but, but it's even more important with female athletes.

31:02

And I think it's even harder for female athletes, being on a team with other females because now they have to rely on other females and, it, it's just a different dichotomy, you know, that you have to remember.

31:18

And, and, and so coaching females, it was, it's always important as coaches that we have to remember that the, the relationship between your team has to be important is, is more important than a boys' teams.

31:33

Two guys don't, two guys can play together and not stand each other, but within the competition, they're gonna, they're gonna play together.

31:41

You have two girls that don't like each other.

31:43

You're gonna be, you're gonna be in big trouble unless, yeah, because, because it's like I, I, I can remember going to my 50th high school reunion.

31:55

50th high school reunion and someone's there they say, well, I don't like her because she said this back when she was in high school.

32:00

I mean it was like 50 years ago and but, but it gets, but it's because it's harder to let go.

32:08

It's just harder to let guys can let a good guys can go, you know, swear at each other and it's over with.

32:14

I agree, girls, it's very hard for us to let go.

32:17

And, and so, but that's important and that's, and, and, and when I say some of this stuff, people go, well, that's not right.

32:24

I go, I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm just saying what is, you know, it's just like, I didn't make it this way, just from experience.

32:30

No, this is what it, now, is it, is it, is it in everybody's case?

32:35

Well, of course not.

32:36

There's nothing that applies to everybody 100% of the time, but In 80% of the people, yeah, and there's another 20% that that may not apply to it.

32:46

However, As, as when we're in those type of things, you know, we're, we're attempting to, to coach to the 99%, you know, it's not the 1%, it's the you're attempting to get the, you know, the 99% to be better than they were.

33:01

And that's, and if they're better, and that's one of the things that people don't understand.

33:07

athletes in general, but athletes who do well in sports also end up doing better in school.

33:13

there's a carry, there's a carryover because one, if nothing else, if you're not a good student, but you want to play sports and you're good at it, then you better do well in school.

33:22

Exactly.

33:23

I think it also helps them in life too.

33:27

Rightly think if you're an athlete, like a female athlete, it's you're, you're definitely going to be stronger mentally, physically, and it's gonna help you in like a lot of other areas of your life, right?

33:36

Well, of course, because in sports.

33:40

I don't care how good you are, you're gonna fail some of the time.

33:44

You are going to fail some of the time.

33:46

And so, actually, for all of us, what, what you do when you fail is much more important than what you do when you succeed, you know, it's like, how do you, how do you act when you, how do you act when it didn't go well, you know, what do you do?

34:02

It says a whole lot more about you than when, when things are going well.

34:06

One of the sayings in sports that they go, winning, winning masks a lot of problems because people don't say anything because you're winning, you know.

34:14

But, but if the experience is still not positive, you know, it's just, you know, we all wanna win.

34:22

But I found out over the years, it's better to have an atmosphere where people enjoy what they're doing.

34:28

And winning will take care of itself if you're good enough.

34:30

And if you're not good enough, you still want, why you, why are you there?

34:33

Why are you still playing on a team that's, you know, 12 out of 14 games or something like that?

34:38

Why are you there?

34:40

Because the experience is still positive.

34:43

The experience, yeah, and, and that's what you want it to be.

34:46

And so I, you also, people used to, because I used to have some really strong teams at Malpitas, partly from my coaching, partly because we had a lot of good athletes, right?

34:56

And then we didn't have the same caliber of athletes.

35:00

And people say, how do you coach them?

35:01

I go, well, actually I have to coach more now than I did before, you know.

35:05

But it, but it, but, but I think what I, what I learned is that we were talking about this, is watching the, what did they look like when they came in as a freshman.

35:15

And what did they look like 4 years later?

35:18

That's awesome.

35:19

And and so you see, and you watch you watch it.

35:21

Well, they are so even if you're there, they as individuals, skill-wise are so much better, but also they've they've grown up during that time.

35:30

They're not doing the same things.

35:32

They're, they're not afraid, you know, then they're not afraid to make mistakes because if you're afraid to make mistakes, then you're gonna make a mistake.

35:40

That's just, that's, you know, it's that self-talk, you know, and I think that's one of the things that we try and teach them also, is self-talk, you know, what do you say to yourself?

35:50

And we always tell them don't, don't say to yourself what you don't want to do, always tell yourself what you want to do.

35:56

Exactly.

35:57

So you're building up not just their confidence, but you're also building up like their inner voice inside their head.

36:02

Well, that's, you know, our inner voice is our strongest voice, right?

36:05

And that's the one that's with us all the time.

36:08

So how, how do you, you know, and I would tell them, we, we used to say this a lot.

36:12

I would tell them, fake it till you make it, and they look at you, what do you know?

36:16

I go, no, you act like you're good, you pretend that you're good, even if you.

36:20

You, you, you fake it that you're good, and then one day you will be.

36:24

But if you don't ever think you're going to be, then you're not going to be.

36:28

So, it's just part of it is just learning how to carry yourself, you know, and we used to say act like you've done it before, you know, it's like, you know, you know, you've done something really that's OK to get excited, but act like you've done that before because then you're gonna do it again.

36:44

If you get way, you know, too enthusiastic.

36:48

Mhm.

36:49

Then it may not happen again because you spent a lot of energy on that.

36:53

So it's, it's, it's sort of like, I think the hard part about coaching is that because within the, within, within the game, there's ups and downs, right?

37:02

And we always try, I go, don't get too high and don't get too low.

37:06

Don't get too high and don't get too low, because if you go, if you get way high, well, guess when it goes bad, then you go way low.

37:12

And it's harder, it is so much harder to, to Come up when you're down.

37:19

It's a lot easier when you're up to come to, you know, to, to come back down this way.

37:23

But if you're down below and you wanna come up, it's harder, it's harder work, so you don't wanna go way down here.

37:28

You just wanna make sure, and that, that applies to all parts of your life, you know, it's sort of like, and you know, that's part of the things too, you get a In high school, you know, you, you, they're learning about relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends, and we have to, you know, we even have to talk about that, you know, it's not, not telling them to have boyfriends cause, you know, half the time the parents don't even know they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you know, because they're not supposed to, you know, but whatever.

37:53

But we have to tell them, you gotta learn to leave some of that.

37:55

Stuff at the door, you know, this, this, you need to concentrate on this point in time when you're, when you're here, you need to do this.

38:04

And you know, all that bad, you know, you had that bad test today in your English class, it's OK.

38:09

You need to leave that at the door, cause it will be there for when, when we're done.

38:12

But you know, so, so you learn how to Segregate different times.

38:17

This, this is important for me to do this right now.

38:19

I can go back later and worry about that because if you don't, then you won't be good.

38:24

I mean, because I love that mentality and I feel like if you, I, I feel like if you can just teach us one more time and maybe like in a different way, would you, because like so many women, especially women, they struggle with that, you know, they're going through something and they Head and they just keep thinking about that over and over again and here they are working or maybe have kids or maybe they are in school but they're worrying about that one thing not paying attention to what they're supposed to do so as a coach you're basically saying, hey, whatever you're going through, leave that away at the door but then pursue what you're supposed to pursue at this moment, correct?

39:01

Do you have any tips on that?

39:03

Yeah, well, you just, you, you have to remind them.

39:06

I mean, that's part, I think you have to have someone there to remind you to do that, you know.

39:10

And sometimes, sometimes I think you need to have that person like a coach check in with you.

39:15

And I, I, I will say this, no matter how many kids are on the team, I would, I would speak individually to every single one of them.

39:24

Every day, even if it was only 15 seconds.

39:27

But they were but they were recognized as an individual every single day.

39:31

And I think that's really important too, because if, if we're a team, then you all have to be important.

39:37

It can't be just your best players are important.

39:39

They all have to do that.

39:40

So sometimes it's just checking in and sometimes you can sit there and say, hey, what's going on, you know, because You know, we, it's easy to sit there and say that, oh, leave it at the door.

39:49

Well, that's, that's, that's nice, but the reality of it is we're all human beings and we, and we do have other stuff going on.

39:55

And I had, I had to tell the girls some days we come in and I go, hasn't been a good day.

40:00

You better be better.

40:01

I would let them know, I would let them know.

40:03

You just need to, you need to be on your best behavior today.

40:07

And just saying, but just see my just saying that changed my behavior.

40:12

Yeah, because you're acknowledging what you're feeling so it doesn't, you know, that's amazing, sir, we're almost close to our time.

40:18

I have one last question for you.

40:20

If a girl who's listening right now and feels like she's too quiet or she's too emotional or or too unsure to be a leader, what would you say to her?

40:33

First off, just take simple steps.

40:36

Take simple steps or things that you're good at.

40:39

And, and, and, and, and take that one step.

40:41

You're not gonna go from because we all, and I would say this because we all can be leaders at something.

40:48

We all can be leaders at somebody.

40:50

Some people are gonna be your leaders because they're the most talkative.

40:54

You know, some people can be the ones that fire people up, you know, more.

40:58

But find something that you can be take, and take that responsibility, you know, and we will do this.

41:04

So, you know, it's like, so, all right, what are you gonna be responsible for?

41:07

Well, I'll make sure that I make, you know, I'm not playing, but I'll make sure I'm leading cheers when we're not playing.

41:12

Something as simple as that.

41:14

But now, but when you do that, and then you see other people following you when you're doing that, you go, oh.

41:21

Oh, I can do that.

41:22

And so I think it, it's not, you just take little steps at a time and then It's like I even said to myself, you know, I know why I was shy because it was in I was not confident in myself.

41:35

But the whole thing is like all of a sudden, but you become confident in other things and then you can go, oh, well, I can change that.

41:43

And you know, and, and if you don't like something about yourself, then work on changing that.

41:48

And one of the ways that I helped, and I just use an example myself, and being shy, I learned to walk and make eye contact and say hi to people.

41:58

Just, just say, make, make eye contact.

42:00

Well now, well, now I'm the shy guy, but now I'm saying hi.

42:03

And I, but I had to do that on purpose.

42:05

I mean, it wasn't, it didn't just happen.

42:07

I had to sit there, OK, so say hi to everybody that you make eye contact with.

42:12

And, and I still do that now.

42:14

If I make eye contact with someone now, even when I'm walking down the street.

42:17

I actually, I try and make eye contact, but you know, cause I want to see other people who will and won't do that, you know, but it, but I think that, that's the thing.

42:26

So, do something that you, that you're good at.

42:30

And then take that next little step, but you're not good at because we can't, we can't just stay wherever, you know, just that little bit.

42:36

But I, if you, if you just go a little bit and it's not gonna happen, and understand it doesn't happen in a day.

42:43

It doesn't happen in a day.

42:45

I, I could, this is another quick story.

42:47

I'm sorry.

42:48

I had, the girls were having a problem with another girl on the team.

42:53

And I said something to him and said, well, you need to talk to her, not me, you need to talk to her.

42:59

OK, so they did.

43:01

And then they come back to me and they said, well, she's doing it again.

43:06

I go, did you talk to her?

43:09

Yes.

43:10

I go, how many times?

43:11

Well, once, and I looked at him.

43:14

Do I have to say everything to you only one time?

43:19

Amazing.

43:20

And, and, and they looked at you.

43:21

I go, I go, how many times do I have to say the same thing over and over again and over again, because people don't people don't do certain things on purpose.

43:33

They just have to be constantly reminded.

43:35

And I, and I just, one of my sayings with them when things aren't going well, well, if you don't want me to say anything about it, then don't do it.

43:42

You know, and then work at not doing it, you know, so, but that's the part you have to have that patience, you know, so some people, you know, there's different types of patience.

43:51

There's a person, yeah, I go, no, to me, the patience is as coaching is that you're willing to do it over and over and over again until it's, you know, that, that's, you know, and, and you have to do it in different ways.

44:03

Some days you're more vocal or, you know, a little more energy, but you still have to, and then if you do that, then the next time you can go, hey, remember what we talked about?

44:12

And I think that's one of the things I find females to be just more receptive to that, you know, repetition, repetition is what you're recommending and you're also recommending being being consistent at it every day, even if you're doing like a little bit every day.

44:27

Yeah, and, and if you and if you step, nobody's perfect and you know, it's, we always talk about, well, it's 2 steps forward and one back, but 2 steps forward and one back, you're still going forward.

44:38

You know, you're still always going forward, you know, and so that's the way you have to look at it.

44:42

And now, if it's one forward and two backs, that's it, that's, we're gonna need to change things.

44:47

But don't expect everything to keep going forward and up because that's not the way.

44:53

And it goes forward and up and, and things things plateau.

44:57

And then sometimes, sometimes you have to do some new things that where you do take a step back, but then, but to let yourself go back up again.

45:05

And so, just understanding that life is not on this perpetual.

45:12

Going up, you know, that would be nice, but that's not how it is.

45:15

But also, when there's setbacks, how do you react to that?

45:18

How do you react to that?

45:20

You know, and it's like, you know, my wife, Leanne and I, you know, we've been married for a long time.

45:26

Every day is not perfect, but you know, but, but, but we're, you know, but it's still going in the right direction, you know, but you still have to work at it, you know, it's it, but that's relationships and, you know, we always make fun of marriage and this type of stuff.

45:39

The reality is that's the way it works in real life too, you know, with other people.

45:44

You know, we're not always gonna be on the same page or like each other, but, one of the nicest compliments I had to some, but someone said to me, there was somebody that, you know, that a lot of people, and I said, well, I get along with them.

45:57

And they go, Jeff, you get along with everybody.

46:02

That's amazing.

46:03

But, but I never said I didn't like them all.

46:05

I just said I I get along with them, you know, so I think that's the key, get along with people you don't even like.

46:11

Wow.

46:12

We have so many amazing nuggets that Jeff has shared in this one podcast.

46:17

He talked about confidence.

46:18

He talked about get better every single day.

46:20

He talked about how you can use your, your skill set from this, if you are in sports or not, and then use them towards life.

46:26

And he talked about so many other things.

46:28

So I thank you so much, Jeff.

46:30

I would Coach Jeff Lam, thank you so much for being on our show.

46:34

It's amazing salutations to you.

46:37

Is there any way any way our audience can reach out to you?

46:41

Would you like me to add your LinkedIn profile under our show notes?

46:45

So whatever you would like to do, I'm very, I'm very privileged that you even asked me to do this.

46:50

So, it was my honor.

46:53

Pleasure is all mine.

46:55

Thank you so much for coming on our show, sir.

46:56

You're welcome.

46:57

Thanks, Dimple.

46:58

Really appreciate it.

47:00

Thank you and for all of our listeners, always remember Metamorphosis, not medication and namaste.

47:06

For all of our listeners, if you have any questions and you really want the answers for it, then feel free to book a 20 minute free consultation with me.

47:16

And if you love this episode, then please give us a review on iTunes.

47:20

Thank you so much and see you on another episode.