Ep 86: Love Yourself or Stay Trapped: The Brutal Truth About Why Women Don’t Leave with Annisa Khairun

(Audio from Instagram Live – sound quality may vary)

Why do so many strong, soulful women stay in relationships that slowly destroy them?

In this raw and unfiltered Instagram Live conversation, Dimple Bindra and guest Annisa dive into the heartbreaking truth:
Women aren’t staying because they’re weak, they’re staying because they were taught that self-abandonment is love.

This episode may feel uncomfortable. That’s the point.
 It’s a call to wake up, speak up, and rise.

💥 What You’ll Learn:

✅ What real self-love actually looks like (and what it’s not)
✅ Why cultural conditioning teaches women to normalize abuse
✅ How to spot when you're betraying yourself in the name of love
✅ The impact of father wounds and growing up unseen
✅ How to reclaim your power and voice without guilt
✅ Why your voice is your greatest weapon against generational silence

“If someone loves you, they won’t hit you. They won’t silence you. Real love never hurts like that.”

⚠️ Note: This episode was recorded live on Instagram. Audio may be slightly raw, but the message is too important to filter.

✨ Not sure why you keep sabotaging your healing or staying stuck in survival mode? Take my free Healing Archetype Quiz to uncover the hidden pattern blocking your power and discover how to rise as the woman you were born to be.

✨ Take the free Healing Archetype Quiz
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Transcript

We cannot wait. Anyways. I'm in California, San Jose. OK, finally, yay, awesome. Have you been, Nisa? I know you're in Indonesia. What part of Indonesia? So I live in Medan. It's North Sumatra in Indonesia. 

Awesome. Well, I'm so excited to talk about this topic. Love yourself or stay trapped. Thank you for picking the topic. OK, yeah, I know because I'm, I do really love this topic because it's really relate to me. Oh, OK, before I go further, can you hear me OK? You can see me, OK? Yeah, yeah, I can hear you. OK, perfect. Yeah, you're good. I can see you as well. Oh, OK, good. 

OK, so before we dive into our topic. Just love yourself or stay trapped. I would like to hear from you what are you working on these day?

Oh, that's an amazing question. I'm actually very excited from the last, I would say for weeks or so because I feel like there is an awakening happening within me. I'm talking about spiritual awakening. And because of that awakening, a lot of clarity, and I'm very clear on what I need to do next, you know. So what I'm working on at the moment, I'm working on putting a support group like a women's circle together. The circle name is called You Are Awakening Circle. 

So I'm putting it together with the help of my team and Nisa, you are on my team, so I'm so grateful for you for even, even doing this, and this was your idea like dimfo, we need to go live and we need to talk about this, OK. So you, so thank you for bringing me out of my comfort zone. So, I'm working on putting this circle together, not I, we are putting this together so that we can help survivors of violence, assault, trauma, and trafficking. And I know I cannot do it alone. 

I know I need to bring on more women who can help us support in this cause because I've been getting a lot of dreams, and these dreams are very violent. And in every dream I see myself trying to fight with the abuser or trying to fight with the person who causes this harm for a lot of women, and I did not know what this means, but now I understand, so it's a calling that I'm trying to pursue. So that's what I'm working on right now.

Wow. So what, what, what inspired you to start this mission? What inspired you? Is there something happened back there? So you choose to working on this mission.

Yeah. I mean, definitely one of the reasons is my own story, right? My own story. That's one of the reasons which probably will do it another, another lie for that. But one of the reasons is, yeah, I myself, I was abused when I was a kid, sexually assaulted multiple times, and that led me to my journey of teaching yoga. And through teaching yoga, when I would enter these corporations and teach and I would enter women's homes, I would understand it's not just me, I'm not the only one. And then back in the days, you know, the Me Too movement came in, and then all the women of the world, they started joining in groups and saying this is what's happening and even currently in the world. 

It's very disgusting to discuss these things that over 730,000 women, so I shouldn't say thousands, sorry, it's in millions, over 736 million women are being sexually assaulted. Every day and we are what? 8 billion population, so it's like 1 in 31 in 3 women are either raped or sexually assaulted or they are trafficked, and this is the cause that I really want to focus on and the whole reason for us doing this live together is to bring more people together to understand that OK, this is a problem. 

Yes, we have other issues in the world. We have climate change. We have to work on poverty. We have to work on homelessness, but this is something that is very close to my heart, and I know it's very close to a lot of women's hearts. yeah, that's why I'm starting this and I'm just gonna start it, but I know you ladies and I need more women like you, Nissa. To go out there and advocate for this problem, because if I believe if women come together, we are very powerful.

Wow, that's awesome. That's really awesome. So, my question, how do you start it? Like, how, what, what's the next step? Because you want to do this mission, then what, what are you going to do?

So when I go back to why I, you know, I even wanted to do this. So every time I would see a movie or every time I would see, I would hear a story of this woman got raped and, you know, women are getting abused daily, especially the story I heard, I'm just gonna quote because I've heard I have over 200 stories in my brain, and the reason is that I put everything in a document. 

And I call it disturbing data, disturbing data to really know what's going on in the world, even though most of us, we wake up, we go to work, we check our phone, we are on TikTok, we are dancing away our lives, but then there are other dark things happening, so. To answer your question, you were saying what's the next step? The next step is awareness. We have to make more women aware to come out of their homes and speak about their stories. 

Like if you're being abused, if you're being assaulted, if you know someone, maybe it's not you, maybe it's your sister, your friend, your mom, you know, you need to come up and speak to someone who can support you. I'm not saying. You have to go out there professionally if you cannot afford professional services. Thanks to the United States, sometimes things are expensive here, so whoever you can go who's an advocate for these things, go out there and then speak to them. So that's the next step is bringing these women together and sharing their stories so that all of us can see ourselves in them.

Mhm. So that's why you want to have a group coaching.

That's why I basically want to have a circle, a circle of women where everyone comes together, shares their stories, and then within the circle, we help them heal. We help them heal their trauma, we help them heal why they are in that situation. We help them heal. What even got them to that situation? And the topic is love yourself or stay trapped. So, obviously, they are feeling these things in their lives because they are not loving themselves enough. And how they are not. And if you were, if you love yourself enough, and here is something that I can piss a lot of people out, and I'm going to piss a lot of women out, OK? They're like, what do you mean I do love myself. I do love myself. 

I'm like, OK, yeah, you do love yourself, but guess what? Then why are you cooking at 11 p.m. in the night where you're supposed to be sleeping or Or why are you, why are you making all the money, but your partner is drinking in the house, doing drugs in the house, not supporting the family. Why? You know, so why, so this is because a lot of women, they don't understand. They feel, oh yeah, I love myself, I love my family, but yeah, that's not love. That is toxicity, even though you think it's love, but love has a whole different definition. 

If someone loves you, they're not going to abuse you. If someone loves you, they will be there for you when you need them. They won't leave you hanging around with like 10 kids, you know. They won't want. If they love you, they are gonna have some self control, some respect to not hit you or slap you or beat you up brutally, and I'm talking about these things because we have seen this over and over again, women who are domestically vid or assaulted. They don't love themselves, and love does not mean that you gotta go out there and care for the other person all the time, you know, there's more definition to that.

I think this is a new thing for me because in my environment, I didn't see a lot of like domestic violence or something. So yeah, thank you so much for sharing because this is a new thing for me. I need to learn about this.

So and I also want to tell you, you don't see it because women and you know you're a woman too, we are very good in hiding our emotions. Oh, especially, and I don't want to quote data, but especially in the Middle East, in India. And in places where women cover their bodies, there is a lot of violence happening. We are not able to see it because it's covered. It's either covered through makeup, it's covered through hijab, it's covered through abaya. It's covered through clothing, but it's actually happening, but there is, you know, there is a whole different personality to a woman who's being domestically violenced. 

The first thing that you can see is she will not have eye contact with anyone around her. Oh, she's afraid. The second thing is she is insecure about herself, about her body, about her future. So she thinks I don't need to tell it to anyone. I'm just going to keep quiet and live my life. And sometimes, she can't think about the future. She thinks this is what the way is going to be for the rest of her life, so she cannot come out of what she's feeling. 

So these are the three things that we can see in a woman who's being domestically violent, and number 4, she may be in a codependent relationship. Maybe the partner is supporting her with money. Maybe he's supporting the partner with money. And then even, even though the partner is abusive, and then when we see those kind of relationships, the woman thinks, oh, if I don't support him, who's going to? Like I am the one and then culture comes on top of this, these violent. Violent cases because culture comes and then this woman is societally conditioned to think, oh, she's the wife, so she has to cook, clean, feed, work, pay, yeah.

But, but you say that if women have the domestic violence, then we have to speak up, right? But sometimes, but sometimes, you know, like I think I, I remember most of the story, like if the wife got domestic violence, then she will tell the family first, like the parents, but the parents say no. I think you have to. How do I say passion, have passion with your husband. They have to be kind, you have to accept him like something like that.

So exactly. And thank you for bringing that point. And to those parents, I, I would say stop discounting stop discounting what your daughter is telling you. Stop shooing her off because she's telling you for a reason. She does not have anyone else to tell. Maybe she has tried to telling her own in-laws, and we're talking about like marriage-based domestic violence right now. Maybe she's tried telling them and then and then what happens when you tell. The in-laws of a person, what do they do? They're like, oh yeah, you must be angry. 

Oh, but no, this is not acceptable. This is not acceptable. It should not be acceptable. And to those parents who are discounting this, this behavior from their daughters, they need to step up and support. D and tell the daughter, this is absolutely wrong. You need to come over. You need to come over so we can provide you some safety. Because when they discounted, guess what she thinks? She thinks maybe she's crazy. That's why she's getting this abuse from the husband. It's never the fault of the woman who's getting domestically violent. It's not her fault. 

Because if you, Nisa, if you go into research and find out, like really know all the stories of these women, some of the stories are so horrific and disgusting, they say, and I'm just going to quote some things. Oh, I didn't put salt in the food. That's why I was hit. Or I was sleeping, I went to sleep early, but I woke, you know, they wake these women up with a slap. Like, why are you sleeping? This behavior has to stop and, and again, there are multiple stories, we can go on and on and on about this, but what I'm trying to say is this is not something that we have to hide away from. We have to speak about it.

So, the reason why women afraid to talk about this, like if I'm having, no, no, if somebody having a domestic violence, OK, she's afraid to tell anybody because she wants to keep it like, oh no, I have to be kind, I have to cover it up. But I don't know it is related to the topic, but is fatherless, you know, the fatherless, because in Indonesia, Indonesia is running down a tree, the fatherless. Yeah, like she has a father, but the father doesn't give love to the daughter as it should be. Yes, so yeah, my question is, if it can be the cause of this woman, are afraid to tell. Her problem.

Absolutely. So research says this, when a woman, I should say when a girl is in a household where the father is absent, the father does not provide the love and support for the daughter. When she becomes a teenager, she starts attracting men that can give her that love and support. And sometimes those men are abusers, are toxic men. They are not the right man for her, but she will still attract a guy who will be emotionally unavailable for her. 

And so, and sometimes in a lot of cases, if the father is abusive towards the mom, the girl will also attract other men who are like the father. It's like a patter who's exactly this, who's exactly exhibiting the same behavior as the father. Which means the woman thinks, oh yeah, I, I, you know, the 1st 6 months are great, you're attracted to that person, you love the person, and then all of a sudden you feel like, oh man, this guy is exactly like my dad, you know, he's abusive, he's toxic, he doesn't, he's not emotionally available for me. 

So the core relation is that women when they are in such households where they, where they have absent fathers or abusive fathers or toxic fathers, that same characteristic is going to be in their partners. Why? Because that's, that's what she knows. She attracts that because that's the part of her that has not healed.

So how do we cut this pattern? By loving yourself, by seeing that, “Oh, I need love from this guy and I need love from this person.” Oh, by the way, hi Arpeta. Thanks for joining Arpeta. Much love. So Arpeta has her own—it’s an art store. It’s in Milpitas. It’s called Sunen, and it’s a beautiful, beautiful creation. So I just wanna say, Arpeta, thanks for joining.

So basically what I’m trying to say is, Nisa, that we have to love ourselves in order for us to cut this cord that we have because somehow that woman who’s in toxic relationships, like from the time she was growing up, she feels that the other person will give me the love. “Oh, let me go and love this guy,” or “Let me go get married to my husband.” And if you see similarities, there are a lot of similarities between the husband or the boyfriend and the father. 

Now something that I want to say is, sometimes the intensity of the similarity will be different. For example, maybe the father is addicted to—let’s say the father is addicted to alcohol, maybe the husband is addicted to something else. Or maybe the father has other bad behaviors and the husband will be having other bad behaviors. It’s not similar, like it’s not to the T, but the intensity is also different. Maybe the father gets violent 10% of the time, but the same behavior will be in the husband. The husband gets violent 99% of the time.

So the percentage can change, the situation can change, but we have to see that it’s the same pattern. But the pattern that the girl attracts in the other guy, or the attractiveness that happens, she needs to cut that cord by saying, “Oh, I love this guy because of whatever reason. Now I need to give that back.” I have to bring that love back to me. How can you bring that love back to you? That’s another—that’s for another live. But one of the basic things that I can say is: start focusing on your health. Start giving your energy back to you instead of you sending your energy to other people or the abuser. 

So focus on your future. Let’s say if you have a body and your body is not healthy. Let’s say maybe you wanna work on your weight loss, maybe you wanna work on your skin. Whatever you have put off on the back burner, focus on those things because that is something that will help bring you back to you instead of you going out there and focusing on loving someone else, you know, and giving all your energy to the person who is not going to give you the energy back—because they themselves don’t know.

The abuser himself is a hurt person. He does not know what he’s doing, but I’m not going to discount that behavior, and I’m trying to tell the woman who’s being abused that it is not your fault. But here are some of the things that you can change in your life for you to come out of this relationship. And sometimes, sometimes in some cases, the woman has to stay with the guy. But at least she can set some boundaries. And sometimes domestically violent women, they stay with the abuser. 

But if you have to stay with the abuser, here is what I recommend you to do. If you have been hurt and silenced and shamed again and again and again in your relationship—use your voice. And sometimes it’s as simple as, “Stop. I do not want you to touch me again.” It’s just finding the courage to do that. And I know women are scared to do this. I was too. I was one of those women where my abuser took me to the forest just to throw me out of a cliff or something. Then there are many stories, but I, you know, this is not about me. This is about the girl who’s out there who’s getting assaulted.

She, the first thing she can do is just use her voice. The second thing that she can try doing is—sometimes, even if you’re a little woman, like shorter, and the abuser is taller—don’t be afraid. Sometimes if you just stand tall and open the shoulders and say “stop,” and if you scream, sometimes if you scream with that confidence, sometimes that is also self-defense. And that can be used as confidence. So using your voice, using your posture, standing tall. Three, here’s what I did. You want to hear it? And I’m not ashamed of saying this. I went and slapped the abuser—not once but three times. 

Because that was the only way of stopping this. Imagine when a woman is assaulted again and again and again and again and again and she does not have the courage. She thinks she’s weak, because that’s what the abuser wants you to think. You’re weak. Sometimes you have to do exactly what they are doing to you to show them we are not weak people. Sometimes that—that’s what you need to do. And guess what? The violence stopped after the three slaps. He never looked at me like that again.

You’re a brave girl. Well, I’m not—that braveness didn’t come overnight. It had to come after all the assault. So what I’m saying is, we have to use our voice, use the strength within our bodies, and we sometimes have to stand up. And in rare cases you have to protect yourself. 

Maybe you cannot be around that person. So if your life is in danger, please don’t try this technique. I tried this because I—I could. Your case may be different. You have to step away, find outside help from other people to come out of this situation. And if Arpita, you have a question, ask. We’re open to question.

I don’t really, like, you know, I never have this kind of story. I never experienced it because I think, yeah, I’m—I’m a good—I have a good family. I have a good family, so. I think I would like to know how did you start—I mean, when you get assaulted by your husband, your, your, your last?

No, it was not my husband. Oh, it was just an abuser. OK, got it, got it. So. How did you take your bra—I mean, like, how do you find your braver to fight again?

I got it. How did you find the strength?

So when you need to put an end to something that you don’t like, the strength will come within you. But what you do have to do is you have to still face the fears because there is a strength coming like, “I wanna run away,” for example, and then there is this fear, “Oh my God, if you run away, he’s gonna catch you,” you know. So the fear and your courage are like battling inside of you. But in the end, you gotta face the fear and do it anyway. There is no other way for you to stop this. There will be fear. You will feel sad about it. You will doubt yourself, but know that you’re not crazy, know that it’s not your fault. 

Know that you have to take this step, and the step that you may have to take is just protect yourself. Or you may have to put some boundaries around you or some boundaries around your energy. Maybe you have to leave the place and live someplace else while you figure out the other logistics of the relationship.

So what is recommended is you have to use your voice. You gotta find the strength. That strength is not—it’s actually there within you, but it’s hidden deep down inside of you. And on top of that, it’s all fears, all fears that is making you crazy. So I would say stop overthinking, definitely start a meditation practice. If you start a meditation practice, the thinking thoughts start subsiding, you start becoming more calmer. 

You understand this is what you want, because it’s very simple to understand what you want. If you want something, it’s because it makes you feel good. If something does not make you feel good, don’t go in that direction. Pick tip—I mean, pick paths that can help you get to the direction where it makes you feel good.

OK, Nisa, I think we should continue our talk again next Friday. OK, same time. So if you have any questions, guys, please put it in the comments or I don’t know how this live is gonna be. I have no idea, but anyway, we will post this live for now. OK, sounds good. 

So any questions guys, hit us up, any, any message if you have anything to share, I’ll be happy to help, and yeah, we’ll see you next time. Hit us up if you have any questions. Thank you, Arpita, for joining. Thanks, Nisa. Thank you, Dimple, for having me in your—bye, bye.

For all of our listeners, if you have any questions and you really want the answers for it, then feel free to book a 20-minute free consultation with me. And if you love this episode, then please give us a review on iTunes. Thank you so much and see you on another episode.