Ep 121: Why Women Turn Anger Inward After Being Cheated On with Dolly Nawalkha

After betrayal, people expect anger.

But what if the anger doesn’t go outward… and instead turns inward?

In this episode of The Dimple Bindra Show, we explore a pattern many women experience but don’t fully understand - self-blame after being cheated on.

Why do you start questioning yourself?
Why do you replay everything in your head?
And why does it feel like your entire reality has shifted overnight?

Dimple is joined by mental health counselor Dolly Nawalkha, who breaks down what’s actually happening beneath the surface - psychologically and emotionally.

In this conversation, we cover:
 • Why women turn anger inward instead of outward
 • What happens to your nervous system after betrayal
 • Cognitive dissonance and why your brain starts rationalizing the betrayal
 • Why self-blame can feel safer than facing the truth
 • The real reason it feels so hard to leave
 • Intermittent reinforcement and why it keeps women stuck

If you’ve ever thought:
 “Why am I blaming myself for something he did?”
 or
 “Why does this feel so confusing even when I know the truth?”

This episode will give you clarity.

Because what you’re feeling isn’t weakness. It’s how your mind and body are trying to protect you - Featuring Dolly Nawalkha, Mental Health Counselor (Hong Kong)

Stay connected with Dolly Nawalkha here!

✨ Not sure why you keep choosing pain over peace?
 Take the free WHY YOU GOT BETRAYED QUIZ and uncover the pattern you didn’t even know was holding you back.

If you can’t eat, can’t sleep, and your mind won’t stop replaying what happened, this is exactly the moment this book was written for - Betrayal ER™ is now live on Amazon.

🆘 Betrayal ER™ : Free 20-Minute Emergency Support Call
A private, confidential space for women in the first shock after cheating or emotional betrayal. This is not therapy or legal advice. It’s emotional first-aid for the moment betrayal hits.

Betrayal ER™ | 1:1 Support Session
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A confidential space to slow things down and regain your voice.
Book your session through the link.

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Transcript

So I think this is something we don't talk enough about.
When a woman gets cheated on, everyone assumes that the anger goes towards them, right?
It could be your partner, your boss, your coworker, like you're supposed to be furious, you're supposed to react, and you're supposed to just walk away, but that's not what always happens, right?
A lot of time, the anger just turns inward.
You start replaying everything in your head, what did I miss?
What did I ignore?
Why did I stay?
Why didn't I see this sooner?
And instead of fully letting yourself feel what they did, you end up carrying it on your own shoulders.
And I've been there, so in this episode, I just want to talk about that real honestly.
And why do we do that?
Why do women actually take the anger into themselves and they either go into, into denial, into grief, into frustration.
So we have an expert, OK, to help us understand what's happening beneath the surface.
I'm joined by Dolly Nawalika.
She's in Hong Kong, and she's a mental health counselor who works with individuals, couples, teenagers, and parents, helping them navigate challenges like anxiety, relationship issues, grief, and self-esteem.
And her work focuses on helping people understand their emotions, rebuild their self-trust, and move through difficult experiences in a very healthy way.
And I have an honor today to bring her onto our show all the way from Hong Kong.
Welcome, Dolly.
Hi, Temple.
Thank you for having me.
Oh, we are actually blessed that you are bringing up an amazing topic to talk about, which is why women turn anger inward after being cheated on, and this is something that I personally also felt it within my own life, and I was like, when she said that she wants to talk about this, I was like, this is a perfect topic.
So, so Dolly, I think something a lot of women feel, but don't really understand is this loop of emotions, right, after betrayal.
When something like cheating happens, why does it feel like it completely rewires your reality?
Like everything just suddenly doesn't feel real anymore.
I think when cheating happens, the person that cheated on you, especially if we're talking about long-term relationships, then that person is the source of both your pain and your safety at the same time.
And your nervous system then goes in a shock, because your sense of reality has been completely shaken.
Then what happens is a nervous system kicks in, and women often go into either a freeze, or a fawn response.
Fawning is actually quite interesting, because you'll see sometimes when a woman notices that, you know, she's being cheated on.
Suddenly, she will become a lot more agreeable, she'll become a lot more compliant.
She'll have this instant urge of wanting to please her partner, and it doesn't make sense, but honestly, it's more of a defense mechanism and evolutionary process than a conscious choice that she is making.
So what about, what about like fighting, you know, like, cause for me it was fighting.
I was not freezing, I was not fawning, so fighting is also one of the things that could happen, right?
Oh, definitely.
I think it just depends on what level of shock you're in.
I think freeze and fawning probably happens when Your entire basis of reality has shifted, and you have no idea where you're at, what you're doing, what's happening around you.
But yes, for a lot of people, it's also fighting.
It's like that anger that takes over.
I always believe in one thing, that anger is actually a secondary emotion.
So it is like a protective armor that you're wearing to hide the pain and the vulnerabilities underneath it, because it puts you off as stronger compared to when you show your pain or you show that, you know, my reality has been shaken and all of that.
It.
Can come across as weak, so anger kind of really protects you.
It's like this protective shield for the pain that we're feeling.
I love the way you said it reprotects you.
Interesting.
So basically, women who are angry, they're just having a guard on.
Yeah, yeah, OK, got it.
That's really cool.
So I've also noticed, it's not just the event, right?
Like it's how we interpret.
Whatever has happened to us.
-huh.
So, can you walk us through what actually happens internally, like, from the moment we find out to like how our thoughts and emotions just start spiraling?
I think there are a few things.
Again, you cannot say that it all of it happens to everybody.
There's probably a combination.
And again, it depends on the vulnerabilities, your upbringing, and other factors that come into play and how you respond in such a situation.
But in my experience, generally, there are a few things that I have picked up, which are quite common.
And I think the first one would be, in psychology, there's a concept called cognitive dissonance, right?
So, basically, cognitive dissonance, what it means is that when two of our belief systems come head to head, and there is a dissonance, and it's not aligned.
And this causes a lot of psychological discomfort.
So to explain it in like layman terms, what it would look like is that one of my beliefs is that I am a very strong and independent woman.
The second belief could be, I love this person and I want to be with this person.
Now, they're not aligning, especially if you've been cheated on, and this is causing a lot of psychological discomfort and pain.
So in order to protect you, what your brain does, it starts to modify the belief that is more painful.
So in this case, that even though he cheated on me, I still love him, it will start to modify and give you all the reasons that, oh, look, It could have just been a mistake.
Or it could be, you know, it wasn't that bad.
Look at all the other men that are doing it.
So we start to rationalize their actions.
But again, that is a way for your brain to reduce the discomfort.
Another very common thing I would say is self blame.
What is that?
Self play?
Self blame is basically where women hold themselves accountable for the actions of their partners.
It's quite interesting because generally, I think it would be like, why?
You're not the one who does the action.
But once again, self-blame is a coping mechanism, actually.
And what happens is, if I blame myself, I have control.
I can change myself, hence the relationship will change.
Now, control gives a sense of safety, that I can do something to preserve it.
I can do something to, you know, make this work.
Whereas if I fully put the blame on the partner that, oh, he did it because, you know, he just wanted to, now suddenly, I don't have the agency anymore because this relationship's fate lies in his behavior in his hands.
So, Self blame is a way to make yourself feel safer, that you have the agency, you're in control, you're in power, and there's something that you can do.
So that is another common factor that happens.
I think those two are the most common ones, I would say.
Mhm.
Interesting.
So that's how I guess the brain modifies the pain.
So one is.
OK, very cool.
So the first one you mentioned was cognitive dissonance, where there's there is a contrast between your two beliefs.
Right, and, and the second one is self-blame, correct?
There's self blame, and then we also talk about the initial response where you could go into either fight, freeze, or fawn mode.
Right?
OK, makes sense, makes sense.
So something that I also find interesting when, you know, such, such a scenario happens with a woman is that emotions aren't really facts, right?
During that time, you're feeling all these emotions, but, but they feel so real to a woman.
So, how do we start separating what we are feeling from what, what's actually true for us?
Like you said, anger is coming out, but then deep down the reason is something totally different, right?
So how can a woman understand that whatever feeling she's feeling at the moment is just her emotions, but that, but they are not true.
There is something underlying those emotions.
OK, so I would differ a little bit because I would say that all the emotions that you're feeling, be it anger, shame, guilt, sadness, any of these emotions, they're actually quite real.
Emotions are biological responses, and you don't just feel them here or here, you actually feel it in your body.
Your body has certain, bodily reactions as per the emotion that you're feeling.
So the first and the foremost is validating them.
Well, I think before even validating, it's acknowledging them.
You acknowledge the emotions that yes, I am feeling sad.
I am feeling angry.
I am feeling dreadful.
I'm feeling like I'm in a lot of pain.
All of these are quite valid.
so acknowledging is really important.
But if you pay attention on the terminology, I didn't say I am sad.
I said I am.
Feeling sad.
Distinction becomes really important that that emotion is not a fact, it's not your identity, but it is a temporary sensation, bodily sensations put together that are making you feel a certain way.
And that's OK.
Right.
And I think that's what I was referring to, like, emotions are not facts.
They are just coming up in on the surface for you temporarily, but then they're going to go away.
And sometimes those emotions, even though we validate them, Deep down, the reason is something else.
I think there's always no two individuals would respond to a situation in the same way.
For somebody, it could be completely world shattering, where for the other person, it's like, it's OK, I can move on.
And then again, it comes back to your vulnerabilities, what your belief system is, how you feel about yourself, what are your insecurities.
And what your early childhood or, you know, your life has looked like before that.
So I think all of these factors really come into play.
Next, I really want to talk about this idea about our body knows everything before our mind catches up.
So, what are some ways the body starts signaling that something is wrong, even when we are still trying to make sense of it logically?
And I've heard this over and over again from women.
When, especially like on the day of the Discovery day, for example, when she discovers that her partner cheated on her, she is in shock, but then so many women would tell me, you know what, I always knew it.
Something was always telling me, like, I was getting these dreams a month ago and I was seeing the signals, but I always doubted myself.
So, therefore, I personally feel, which, based on what I teach my clients is, your body is already.
Giving you a lot of signs, but then your mind is, is like saying a different story.
Exactly what you said, freezing or fawning or fighting, your mind will give you a different story.
So what do you think about this?
I feel, I think it brings me back to the concept of cognitive dissonance.
I do feel that women have great sixth sense.
We observe very closely on what's happening in our surroundings.
And, you know, especially if you've been with your partner for a really long time, you pick up on the non-vocals as well.
You know, you pick up on the small signs and very quickly because of the sixth sense that we have, we can pick up when there's been a shift.
And I think that's when it's like, oh, the body knows.
But again, cognitive resonance.
I don't want to believe it.
It is in contrast with everything that I believe our relationship to be.
And so I, I would rather choose to be in denial.
And again, in order to.
Protect that belief, the brain starts to modify it.
We start giving ourselves reasons.
For example, he's not coming back from work.
OK, maybe there's just a lot of work, whereas at some point, you know, it's, you know, it's not really the busy season, or he's not called me for days and, maybe because he's busy, maybe he needs space, whereas you know that, you know, something's just not sitting right over here.
Yeah, perfect.
I love that.
I love that.
I love how you're bringing, like, cognitive like dissonance into this particular answer, because when I speak to my clients, most of them have told me that the first thing that they feel, like, I mean, it's different for everybody, but I've heard this a lot, like, especially Asian women, they say, we are in denial, like, they don't even believe it.
Sometimes they do everything possible not to even believe it, you know, and it's the reality is right in front of them.
So that makes a lot of sense.
Now, coming to something that I also think so many women really struggle with is why do women even stay?
Even after they know they have been betrayed.
Honestly, it's very difficult to leave.
I think there are multiple factors that come into play.
For the first, I would say.
A woman doesn't just invest her time, she invests her energy, her soul, her identity, especially into this relationship.
Walking away in a way means all of it, and there's nothing to show for it.
Like it was all an absolute waste.
I think in economic terms, we probably call it like the sunken cost fallacy.
But it does apply in relationships too.
Like I said, there is that identity that you pour into a relationship, and I think over time there is.
A woman's identity gets enmeshed with the roles that she is playing.
It could be of a girlfriend, it could be of a wife, it could be of a mother or a daughter-in-law, and so and so forth.
And because they're so her identity is so enmeshed with the roles that she's playing, I think often women, when you ask them, who are you as a person, They really would freeze.
They wouldn't know what that answer even means, because it's like, oh, my daughter's friends call me this is so and so's mom, or when I'm introduced in a party, I'd be like, oh, this is so and so's wife, like, you know, or this is the daughter-in-law of this kind of a household.
So there are multiple identities, and in that somewhere, her identity takes a backseat.
Because women and generally are givers, you know, so they're OK to be on the sideline when they're playing these certain roles.
So there's also that fear that I don't really know who I am.
If I'm not your girlfriend anymore, if I'm not your wife anymore, what is my identity?
So there is that identity crisis.
I think that comes into play.
There's also this fear of Abyss, which basically it's like there's this very famous saying that.
A devil you know is a better, is better than the devil you don't know.
So you come to this idea that, OK, I know that this person's cheated on me and it sucks, but at the same time, I also know that these are the positive traits that he has.
What is the guarantee that if I meet the next person, he's going to be any better?
There are always going to be trade-offs.
Also, how.
Will I be able to stay by myself?
What would it look like financially if you have children, then what would their life look like?
So I think there's no whether to choose to leave or to stay.
There's no right or wrong answer.
As an outsider, I've realized it's very easy to make that judgment and just be like, You should just leave.
Like, you know, that's not OK.
Why are you saying that?
But I think what we don't realize is in that moment, unconsciously, we are judging them.
We are putting that shame upon them that if they are choosing to stay, that means they're possibly weak, or there's something wrong that they're doing.
But that's not always the case.
There are multiple factors that, you know, go hand in hand for them to take such a big step.
Another thing that happens is, I think it's a very common behavior when a wife or a girlfriend discovers that the partner is cheating.
In the coming few weeks, or I would say days, the partner's behavior would take a 180 flip.
Suddenly he is the sweetest.
He's showering you with flowers, with dates, and it's like in your head, you're like, oh my God, he is everything I've.
Always wanted.
So of course you get that dopamine hit because you're like, this is great, this is what I wanted, this is what I'd worked for, like, you know, the time and energy you'd invested, now it's finally paying off.
And you think that, oh, now it's worth it.
Like, you know, now is the time where I'm reaping all, sorry, but it's like now it's the time where, I am reaping the fruits of, you know, what I had sown and put my energy into, so this, I, I can't just walk away from it.
And it's also a very common factor that after a few days or weeks, the behavior starts to sort of, you know, fade away.
And then again, you'll have all these doubts, why am I here?
Was this just for show?
And the minute you voice it out again, men will then again repeat that cycle.
And that keeps you in a loop.
We actually call this intermittent reinforcement, that it's almost like addiction.
It the high of it makes the pain worth it, because now you are so badly craving that attention that the other person has given you in that time, where he's like that perfect version that you always wanted, so you keep wanting more and more, and that cycle then sort of keeps you going into it.
Yeah, cause like, logically doesn't even make sense, but emotionally it feels so hard to leave.
So, can you explain to our listeners what intermittent reinforcement is and why it actually makes someone more attached after being hurt?
Because here, it's a very common trending word, trauma bonding, right?
So trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement, is it the same things.
Honestly, you'd have to tell me a little bit about what do you mean when you say trauma bonding.
So exactly what intermittent or reinforcement is, you know, you feel the pain from a person, now this person goes and shows you flowers, so it's the highs and the lows, right?
You, you know, and that keeps the woman hooked because she's like, wait a second, he cheated on me, but he's not that bad.
He just gave me flowers, and, you know, now he's so nice, and, and then he does it for a few days until you're hooked, and then he goes back to his original behavior.
Which is again being violent, again being aggressive, or again going and cheating on you again.
And so, but, so this confuses the woman, right?
So I think it's the same thing, even though you're using a newer word for our listeners, but I would love for you to touch base on what really is intermittent reinforcement.
It's pretty much what you've said.
It is actually quite bad.
It is intermittent reinforcement, I think it's just a more.
Biological element that brings with like, you know, psychobiological sort of a thing, but it is basically just that, that when When we receive a reward, we get a dopamine hit, which we all love.
In this case, if I were to break it down, his behavior is a reward for your system.
So that's something that is not just happening psychologically, but.
Biologically in your body as well, which then makes you crave it.
You know, we're always chasing after dopamine, technically, like, all the little success, or when we achieve a goal, or when we get rewarded, we do get that dopamine hit, and we're constantly achieving it, but, sorry, we're constantly striving for it because it feels great, and that very same concept applies in relationships too.
I mean, I don't think there's any perfect relationship.
Even if there's no betrayal involved, you're always going to have really ugly fights, or sometimes you might feel very disrespected.
But one of the reasons why you choose to stay is because when the highs are good, when you are being respected, that feels great, and you want more of it, and you can only get more of it if you are staying rather than choosing to walk away.
So that's that.
Interesting.
So what about when a woman thinks, I'm strong, I'm independent, so why am I still here, you know?
That's only a realization that some women have, what is really happening when we hold two conflicting beliefs like that.
Like you had mentioned this earlier, one conflicting belief is I'm strong, I'm independent, but the other belief is he loves me, and all of a sudden he's just cheated on you.
So there's this conflicting belief in the head.
So what's really happening when a woman is actually having two different conflicting beliefs and a reality says completely different, no wonder it's so confusing for women in in relationships like that.
I think at the end of the day, it just means you're human and you loved this person very, very deeply.
And I think, again, as a society, we kind of mix the two things up that an independent woman cannot love so deeply that should allow somebody to hurt her, but that's actually not true.
Yeah, exactly.
If you have loved deeply, the pain will be as deep as well.
And if that pain is that deep, at the end of the day, you are a human.
And your body and your mind is going to do everything like I talked about previously, to ensure safety, to protect itself from the pain, because the pain can be so much that it shatters everything that you believe that you stand for.
And often then it also leads to a lot of self-doubt.
Because, you know, when your identity starts to kind of be challenged, it leads to then self-doubt also, oh, if I couldn't catch on to this, maybe I was not smart enough, you know, I wasn't able to pick up on the signs.
But does that then also mean, That I'm not smart enough at my work.
I can't see what's happening around me, you start doubting everything around you.
Right.
And, and the self blame, right?
Basically, you're self-doubting, and then, and then the self blame shows up.
So, Why does self blame, you think in your opinion, actually feels safer than just accepting what really happened?
The reason is because self blame gives me a sense of agency.
Got it.
If I'm blaming myself, there is definitely something I can do about it.
I can save this relationship, if only I give him more time.
If only I took care of myself the way he had wanted.
If I only had given in, and if it makes me believe that if I can do all of these things because cheating was my fault, that means I can rectify this relationship.
Things can go back to the way they were.
So, it gives you a sense of agency.
It gives you safety, because, again, when your reality shakes.
You are entering into the unknown.
It's something you've not experienced.
There's too much pain.
The foremost thing that you want is safety.
Safety comes from control.
Isn't that the reason why most of us can't give up control?
I need to do this properly.
I need to have all of it.
We can't just be like, it's OK.
It will be managed.
No, because the minute I let it go, it's now beyond my control and.
external forces can play a significant role in shaping, you know, how the outcome will be.
And once again, in reality, that is what is happening.
Control is a form of illusion.
You don't necessarily have that control, like, you know, the butterfly effect of, I think that's what we call it.
It's like, A butterfly flap its wing and it sets across a domino effect on how things would happen, and here I am thinking that I've done this right, I've done this right, and this is 100% what the outcome will be, whereas some butterfly has flapped some wings in somewhere, which has completely changed the external forces, and I'm actually not in control.
So it is an illusion.
Yeah, it is, and I love the spiritual perspective on it, like, we always want to control things, but in the end, there is nothing we can control, you know.
I think the only control you have over is your actions.
You can't even control your own emotions.
You can't tell yourself or forget about telling somebody else that you should feel this way.
If I tell you right now.
Feel happy.
And I'm at your head, Temple feel happy now.
You can't, you wouldn't be able to.
It's not something that you choose to feel.
Feelings just happen naturally in a way, right?
But one thing you actually do have control over is how you respond to these feelings.
And unfortunately, and I think I was. One of them for the longest time.
I, I would still say I am, but it's been a journey where I have been in a constant cycle of reaction in my life, which means something happens, I react.
I am constantly reacting to my surroundings.
So it's like I'm living in a state of reaction.
That's it.
But slowly, I have started moving from living in a state of constant reaction to actually responding.
Reaction is something that happens instinctively, like the fight, flee, the fight, flight, freeze, fawn response, whereas responding is more of a conscious choice, where I've been able to take a step back.
I've been able to observe what's happening in my surroundings.
Acknowledge how I am feeling, then sort of validate it, but at the same time, then connect to the present moment and how I would like to engage.
And then respond to it.
That's beautiful.
So, I think now we should definitely talk about how can women release the self, you know, the anger that they are directing towards themselves.
Any, any tips do you have for our listeners?
I think it's a journey, and for me, it was also a very personal one.
it's not an easy journey.
There is no time limit for it.
And it is a very painful journey, but from my experience, I, I personally really feel that counseling really helped, and it put things in perspective for me, because, like you said, when you are clouded by your emotions, the first thing that you lose is perspective and touch with reality.
You're not here, you're living in your head, and that constant loop of, you know, going back to what happened, the cycle of the emotions, and that keeps you just stuck there.
So everything that you see is through that lens.
So, the foremost, I would say, before even releasing or walking on these things, memories, it is very important for an individual to actually develop some skills, and I'll walk you through what I mean by that.
When a client comes to me, and I know that, you know, OK, she's there when you're listening to the story, she's there because she wants to work on betrayal and things like that.
You don't just dive deep into it.
You don't just start talking about it.
Because right now, what you see is this person is in a lot of pain.
It is affecting her day to day life, the way she is feeling.
So the first thing that we help them build is emotional stabilization skills.
How can she stabilize herself?
How can she create that sense of safety for her nervous system, so she can actually give it a break, so she can be safe.
So we work on these emotional stabilization techniques until the point that she actually feels stable.
You also work on distress tolerance skills, which are basically in a moment of crisis.
What do I do?
Because this is from my personal experience, when something like, so this is your nervous system, right?
This is a stable nervous system.
When something like that happens, your nervous system shoots up.
It's like this.
Now we're hypervigilant.
We are in the, you know, the fight, freeze, flight response, and as soon as the threat sort of starts to dissipate, the nervous system goes here, but you're still looking out for danger because in the back of your mind, it was something that you completely did not expect to happen.
It's still here.
It's not gone here.
So the next time something happens, it doesn't just go from here to here, it'll probably like shoot up even more.
So it's very important to stabilize it.
When something happens, the nervous system goes, is that called, like, how would you say that, or the word?
Is that called like very destabilized?
I think you're nervous, you're very heightened.
Heightened, OK, got it, yeah, and then lower, if you, you know, so lower could be like stabilizing, right?
Yeah, right, right, makes sense.
OK, when something like this happens, the body just gets really destabilized and because it just all of a sudden your nervous system got hit with this news.
So your body is destabilized, and now your first thing that you were mentioning is, we should stabilize the nervous system.
You need to first stabilize the nervous system.
This is like a traumatic memory.
When you work on traumatic memories, it can be a chain effect.
One memory could lead to something else, and it could lead to something much, much deeper, which neither you or your therapist or anybody could.
Prepared for.
So when, if you were able to go into that state, you need to have the skills to stabilize yourself so that you don't start spiraling, you know.
So, the first thing I would say for anybody, like, you know, when you're talking about how do I manage my emotions, how do I manage my pain, that comes at a secondary stage.
First, you need to stabilize yourself.
You need to not just stabilize yourself emotionally, but biologically as well.
So then you are in a space.
What tips do you have to stabilize?
Like if you can I think one of the most effective one for me is what we call box breathing.
Oh, it's quite simple and it's very effective, and, it works great for people who have very short attention span or who are like, I can't focus on my breathing.
I would have to visually show it to you.
Would that be OK?
Yeah, of course, please.
So, you can either use a pencil and a piece of paper, or you can use your hand.
So I like to use your hand.
So, what we do is the count of 44444 inhale, 4 hold, 4 exhale.
For hold and then the cycle repeats.
Got it.
But if you are somebody who tend to then, you know, go into your thoughts and you get very distracted, the easiest way to do is create a square using your hand and follow the count, so it looks something like this.
Creating the first box, the 2nd, mhm.
Mhm.
Those of you who are listening, you can just watch the video version of this on YouTube.
Yeah, and you then start to, you do it for at least 5 to 10 minutes.
I always recommend my clients that it's not gonna work if If you do it just in the moment of crisis, this is a stabilization techniques, which means it's a lot more effective when you do it, when you're not so heightened as well.
So when you are heightened, then it becomes a lot more effective.
an analogy that I always like to use with any of these, skills is that I started to, I want to play badminton.
I pick up the racket.
I can't expect myself tomorrow to go and play the world championship and perform.
I would have to practice it over and over again to be able to play it under that pressure.
So it's the same with any of these emotional skills that we talk about.
The other very easy and a very quick one that would bring you back right here, unhooked, like we call it unhooked from the thoughts and emotions, is a 54321 sensory technique.
You can do it absolutely anywhere, and you would be OK.
it's very simple.
5 things that you see.
Look around your room and find, and in your mind, describe 5 things that you can see.
So maybe a green water bottle, a black computer, anything but be specific.
Force, 4 things you can touch.
So wherever you are, if you don't like, you know, just feel the floor underneath your feet or where you're sitting, what does the texture feel like?
Is it soft?
Is it hard?
Is it, spiky?
If there's nothing, feel your hand.
What does this part of the hand feel compared to this part of the hand, you know, 3 sounds that you can listen to.
Pause, focus on three sounds that you can listen to.
Something in the background, something far distant that you're able to hear, maybe the sound of the air con, that's fine too.
Two things you can smell.
Center yourself, smell things around.
other thing that you can do if there's nothing, smell your own hand.
What does this smell like?
The last one is taste.
If you have a candy, if you have something, pop it in.
And try to decipher all the layers of taste that there are, like, you know, in that candy.
If there's nothing, just taste your own tongue.
Maybe you'll feel what you have for the breakfast.
What it does is it basically disconnects you from what's happening up there and forces you to be in the moment.
And when you try it, you will realize when you are paying attention to your senses.
It is becoming very, very difficult to pay attention to what's happening here.
So even that few minutes of relief becomes really, really important.
That's amazing.
I love that.
I love that.
I love the box, the box breathing technique, and I love the 54321 technique.
That is amazing.
Any last words that you would like to tell our listeners who are really angry at themselves after being cheated on?
I think it's OK.
It's OK to be angry.
And one of the reasons, if it's fine, I'll just share it from my personal experience.
And it was for me the biggest takeaway, which then reshaped my life.
For the longest time, I kept thinking I was angry at what the person had done, but very soon I realized I was angry because I allowed him to treat me the way that he did.
I became a doormat for him that he could walk all over.
Again, it wasn't what I wanted.
It, it made me doubt my identity.
It completely shattered everything that I believed it to be.
And I was just like, why?
How could I let this happen?
And I went on this crazy spree after that.
That I wanted to be perfect at everything.
So, it was somehow set in my mind, and I think now that I look back, it was from the self blame that unconsciously I had blamed myself for, you know, maybe not being trendy enough, for not being smart enough, for not being confident.
Enough for not being good at something.
So I went on this spree where I started putting tremendous pressure on myself that I have to be good at everything, no matter what you say, even if it has no significance in my life, if I did something, I had to be great at it.
And if I didn't, I became super, super critical of myself.
And honestly, that was very, very painful for me.
Because one, I was already hurting.
On top of it, I was putting this external amount of pressure on myself to be this person, you know.
And when I went to my therapist, she pointed that out.
She asked me, why is it so important for you to be that?
I told her, because so that nobody in life can then reject me.
You know, they can't believe me saying because you did this, where in fact, nobody ever even said that, that I cheated because you did that.
For a lot of women, it does happen.
There's a lot of gaslighting that's involved, which leads them to believe that they're the cause.
There can be minimization, you know, from your partners where it is like, it's not even that big of a deal.
Why are you making a big of a deal, which makes her doubt itself.
In my case, nobody had said that.
But again, I was picking up on signs.
I'd like to join a very.
Important part here, which is about observing.
We often say that I observed these signs.
I observed how he was feeling.
Actually, you're not observing.
You can only observe something that is perceived through or 5 senses.
You can't perceive how other people feel about you, their thoughts, their intentions, their feelings, but somehow I have already believed that he.
He left because he cheated because I was not good enough.
And I so strongly internalized that, that now I did everything that was possible to actually break that belief because this was causing me a lot of discomfort.
And then I realized my nervous system was always heightened because I was always perceiving everything as a threat.
And I was responding to it like it was a threat, that oh, if my, like my current partner, if he would even say to me that, why would you do this?
or just a very small generic argument, my reaction would be so heightened.
Because then it took me a while to realize you're not just reacting to how your partner current situation is.
You are now reacting, your nervous system is reacting to all the previous trauma, the memories, and that is why there is an imbalance between your reaction and the situation.
So it is really, really important.
For women to actually be empathetic towards themselves.
It's OK.
You loved somebody.
It didn't turn out that way.
You're angry, you're grieving because you're not just grieving the life that you've lost, you're also grieving the potential future that you really, really wanted with this person, you know.
It's OK to feel shame because self blame, self-doubt comes from a lot of shame that I was rejected, you know, you're trying to combat all of these feelings.
I think stabilizing yourself, not just what I shared, do something that is self soothing, that is self soothing for you.
If that means that you want to take a break for 30 days and not be in contact, it's fine.
Everything in your life can wait.
If you do not have the energy, you're not going to be able to give it to anyone in your life.
So you need to restore yourself back.
You need a break.
Take a break.
If watching a comedy movie, that's what self soothes you, do that.
If going for a massage, that is what self soothes you, do that.
And I know you definitely do not want to do it.
At that point, you don't.
But again, you force yourself to do it.
There's a thing that we call opposite action.
Your actions motivate your emotions, like, influence your emotions as well.
So if I'm feeling sad, I choose to just sulk in my bed all day, I'm going to be more depressed, I would say.
But if I force myself against my will to go out, automatically, my emotion would also get a little better.
So if you can't control your emotions, control your behavior.
And then I think lastly, when you feel you are at a much more, you're, you're a lot more stabilized, I think that is when you go into processing.
Your trauma, you go into processing those very painful memories that you've had.
One way that was super effective for me, and I'm happy to share it, is anger letters.
I.
Tremendous amount of anger letters, and there are, there's one important thing, the anger letter must always be written by hand on paper, no typing, and people are like, I say it out, I scream it out.
I'm like, no, you pick up a pen, you start writing.
You give yourself a safe space first to.
Express itself because what happens is the minute I say I'm like, oh, I wish something bad happens to me, there's this inner critic that comes and it's like, no, that's not nice, like that's very immature.
Why are you saying that?
I'm like, no, that inner critic can be on a parking spot for a few minutes, and it's like, I just need to express.
And I remember I used to write and write and write until, My hand would hurt, and towards the end, the handwriting is illegible, and I'm probably saying the same word over and over again, but that's OK, because you're releasing that emotion, physically, and so many things can come up in that moment as well.
Write it, empty it out.
When you feel like there's no more words coming into my head, put it on the side.
Tomorrow you wake up, something happens again.
I used to start writing again.
What I did with all those letters, honestly, I burned them away.
Anything that you put in physically is also energy, and you have to completely remove it from your life.
So I would then completely burn them away.
The other thing is using art.
Again, emotions are something that are more feelings based.
They're based on intuitiveness, you know, and If you are talking about it, you're trying to use your logical side of the brain and trying to make sense of this more logically, which doesn't work, because like, I think everything we've talked about, your emotions are not following logic.
If you're trying to use logic to understand this, it's not working.
If anything, you're just becoming a lot more critical of yourself, you know, and why?
What is wrong with me?
So, Arts-based therapy is honestly amazing with that.
We do a lot of non-dominant hand exercises, and the reason why we do them is because when we're doing it, you are bypassing the logical and the, Inner critic.
And now your emotions are having a free space to actually then express itself.
After that, you then engage your language of faculty to make sense of what has shown up.
And then the final step is, like you said, your body knows.
in fact, your body remembers.
All your traumatic memories, emotions are physically stored in your body.
So then you go into somatic work when then you start physically releasing everything that you have now acknowledged exists.
And I think that's the entire journey that one takes again at their own time when you're ready.
There's no time frame of the steps this after this, how fast or how quickly it should be.
So each to their own.
Thank you so much.
This was amazing.
You gave us a lot of different tips, and If you really want to work with Dolly, then please reach out to her.
Dolly, where can our listeners find you?
Should we put in your LinkedIn link?
Awesome.
OK, perfect.
So please listeners, if you have any questions that you want to release your anger, go reach out to Dolly.
I'm going to post her LinkedIn on the show notes.
And Dolly, it was wonderful having you here.
Thank you so much for coming to our show.
Thank you for having me.
It was a pleasure.
And for all of our listeners, always remember, you are awakening.
If you just got cheated on.
If you have been through a betrayal, you don't have to do it alone.
You can book a betrayal session with me, and the link is in the show notes.
And if this podcast has been supporting you, please leave a review wherever you're listening.
It helps more women find this.
And if you know a friend or a sister who needs this right now, then go ahead and send her this episode.
And always remember, you are awakening.
See you in the next podcast.