Money Mom Podcast
Welcome to The Money Mom Podcast—the ultimate guide for moms who want to take control of their finances, crush debt, and create a life of financial freedom and abundance. Hosted by Rachel Coons, a budgeting expert and mom of three, this podcast is your go-to resource for practical tips, mindset shifts, and empowering strategies to help you manage your money with confidence.
Whether you’re navigating grocery budgets, tackling debt, or dreaming of building wealth for your family, each episode offers bite-sized, actionable advice to make money management simple, stress-free, and even enjoyable. With relatable stories, expert insights, and a dose of mom-to-mom encouragement, you'll learn how to transform your finances—one small step at a time.
Tune in every week to discover how to save more, spend smarter, and feel empowered to create the financial life you deserve. Because when moms thrive financially, families flourish.
Money Mom Podcast
44: Transforming Mom Guilt into Strength
What if the overwhelming feeling of mom guilt is actually a reflection of profound care rather than inadequacy? Join me on the Money Mom podcast as we challenge societal pressures and the idealized portrayals of motherhood that often leave us feeling like we’re falling short. Through candid conversations, I share my own journey with mom guilt and uncover how unrealistic expectations can lead to self-doubt and exhaustion. Together, we’ll explore how these feelings, though rooted in love, can become paralyzing if not addressed. I offer insights into releasing these attachments and embracing a more joyful experience of parenting.
xoxo,
Rachel
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Hello and welcome back to the Money Mom podcast Me, rachel and today we're going to dive into a topic that I recently asked my Instagram followers what they would like to hear topics on beyond money and budgeting that world, what they would love me to dive more into. And this one really struck a chord with me because it's something that I've dealt with for a long time and I feel like and this is me just assuming, but I feel like most listeners probably deal with this at one point or another in this journey of motherhood, and that's why I wanted to talk about it and share my experiences and how I've kind of dealt with it as you know, giving a little bit of perspective but maybe some ideas to help work through it as well. And that is mom guilt and, honestly, even just saying that is like, oh yeah, like all the time, I have this mom guilt and this nagging sense of not being good enough or comparing myself to other moms, I'm not doing enough, I'm not showing up the way that I want to, I'm falling short as a mom, and if you've ever felt that way or you struggle with this as well, then this episode is for you and we're going to dive into some real tactical ways that I've worked through mom guilt on my own and ways that I'm still working through it. But before we dive in, I do want to remind you that guilt is something that we're all experiencing at one point or another. It's just part of being human. But guilt doesn't have to control us and we can break free from this nagging sense of failure, and in this episode, I want to show you how you can do that.
Speaker 1:So let's start with what is mom guilt? And, of course, guilt feels different for every person, and that's something that maybe you just need to dive into a little bit more, with your own emotions of how does it show up in your life. But for me, it's this internal voice that I feel when I feel like I fall short, when I forget about a homework assignment or my kids watch too much TV and I feel bad about that, or when I see another mom acting a certain way with their kids and wish that I could act that same way with my kids. And we feel this way because our world, our society, puts a lot of pressure on motherhood. We see on social media the perfect family and how a mom is supposed to show up. We see Pinterest worthy lunches that moms make and we see moms who just have it all together and it's really easy to then compare yourself to all of these little perfect snippets that you see and then create this idea or this notion of what the mom should look like. But really, what you're seeing is every single person at their best and you creating this idea of what it should look like. But the truth is, mom guilt isn't a reflection of how good or bad you are as a mom. It's, truthfully, a reflection of how much you care. And when we can look at it that way of saying, if you're feeling mom guilt, it's because you care about how you show up as a mom. It's because you care about your children and you love them and you want them to be in an environment that they thrive in and you want to be in an environment you thrive in.
Speaker 1:And when we make mom guilt something that paralyzes us and we don't see it for what it is and work through it, it can take over and it can be exhausting. It drains your energy. It makes you feel like, no matter what you do, it's never enough. Guilt is, if we look at it on the emotional ladder, obviously higher energy. Feelings, emotions are at the top of the ladder. So joy and happiness and even gratitude is the highest on the emotional ladder. And then, when we look at the bottom of the emotional ladder, this energy that pulls from us is guilt, shame, anger. Those are low on the emotional ladder. Our goal as mothers and as humans is to try and cultivate these energies that are higher up on the emotional ladder. And so guilt actually falls deep on the lower rungs of the ladder. It sucks your energy, it makes you feel bad, it doesn't feel good. Guilt thrives in these negative emotions.
Speaker 1:One of my favorite sayings that I repeat to myself all the time in my marriage with my children, as a mother and just everything when I heard this quote, I put it in my back pocket and I tell myself it all the time, and the phrase is expectations are preconceived resentments is expectations are preconceived resentments. I'll say that again Expectations are preconceived resentments. So when we set expectations for ourself or for other people, all we are doing is setting ourselves up to resent and to feel the gap between where we want to be and where reality lies. And that's kind of where mom, guilt is. It's that gap of I want to be something and I'm not there. So I'm going to focus on that distance between where I want to be and where I am. And when we focus our energy on expectations, we are breeding negative emotions.
Speaker 1:Now, I'm a big believer in Eastern ways of thinking and Eastern religions, and one of my favorite parts of the Buddhist way of life is their Four Noble Truths. And when I was introduced to these four noble truths, it just makes so much sense in life and I think we can overcome a lot of pain when we embrace these truths. Now, I'm not going to say the name of them, because there's their four and there I have no idea how to pronounce the four truths, but the first one is that suffering is a part of life, but then, beyond that is, suffering is caused by attachment and craving. Expectations create suffering, and suffering can be ended when we let go of that attachment or that need for something. And I think this is the perfect idea when we talk about mom guilt. And so when we're talking about mom guilt, we are talking about that suffering that we feel and that is what's robbing us of joy. And we can stop the suffering when we stop that attachment to what we need, when you're constantly second-guessing yourself or beating yourself up for not being perfect, you are missing out on the joy, you're missing out on the gain of what could be had in motherhood and you're missing out on the joy. You're missing out on the gain of what could be had in motherhood and you're just focusing on the gap. You miss those little moments that make it all worth it, because you're just too focused on thinking about what you're doing wrong. Flipping that on its switch and thinking about the positive will help you feel a lot better. Positive will help you feel a lot better.
Speaker 1:Now, as someone who has dealt with a lot of mom guilt in my life and recently has probably come up more than other times, and as I've taken more time for myself and my business, that mom guilt has crept in more and more. Luckily, I have a partner who never makes me feel guilty and is always trying to talk me through some of these emotions. But it definitely comes up and this is something that I've had to work through and I want to talk about it openly with you as a listener, and maybe you can recognize areas in your life where you feel that guilt as well. So how do we deal with guilt when we feel it, when we are confronted with these negative emotions. First you need to recognize where the guilt is coming from, recognize the source of where it is, asking yourself is this guilt actually based on something real, or is it coming from those unrealistic expectations that I see around me? I believe that there is guilt. That is good guilt. Right. If I'm going out and neglecting my children every single night with my girlfriends and not focused on them and I feel guilty about it, that might be a good thing, right. That will take me into action of not doing that. But if I'm going to go out with my girlfriends one night a week or one night every couple weeks, I shouldn't feel bad about that taking time for myself.
Speaker 1:Now, as a business owner, I go out of town quite a bit for business conferences and different events that I need to attend. Not a bit, I would say. I leave town once a quarter, once every couple months I'm out of town. My husband stays home with the kids and is there with them, and for a long time I would feel guilty about leaving my children. And it's so funny because I actually think that men, when they go on business trips, they never feel bad about leaving their family to go provide for the family, but for some reason, as moms, we feel guilty about it. And when I was really able to step back and say no me taking this time for myself and my business to go better myself and our lives is so important and when I could really get to, the root cause of that guilt was that I felt bad for being away from my children. But did I really need to feel bad? Because everything was better, because I went and they were taken care of by somebody else who loves them just as much as I do, and it's important for them to have a relationship with their dad as well as well.
Speaker 1:On top of that, recognizing that source of guilt, I think it's also important to recognize are you feeling this guilt because you're comparing yourself to somebody else's highlight reel? Are you comparing yourself to the way somebody else shows up on social media or the best version of someone that you see? And that's because, most of the time, our guilt isn't rooted in reality. It's rooted in perfectionism, and this need to always be 100%, and we're comparing ourselves to someone else. Once you've recognized that source of guilt, you need to then give yourself grace. You're not perfect. Guess what? Neither am I. No one is going to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect. That expectation of being perfect is actually leading to your suffering.
Speaker 1:Your kids don't need a perfect mom. In fact, something that was so healing for me is I believe in a higher power, whether that's God For me, it's God, but for other people that might be source or universe or whatever that is. For me, it's God, but for other people that might be source or universe or whatever that is. And I remember having this realization a couple of years ago was that God sent these children to me because he knows me and he knows my weaknesses, he knows how I show up, and my children don't need me to be this perfect version. They need me to be me because God sent them to me so that I could be myself. And that's the mom who loves them, who shows up for them as much as I possibly can and who does her best every single day.
Speaker 1:But the real beauty of motherhood is that we make mistakes and our job as moms is not to be perfect. It's to recognize the mistakes that we make and then repairing them and showing ourselves grace and mercy and being able to say sorry to our kids when they see that, when they see an adult make a mistake, recognize the mistake and then apologize for that. I think that teaches children emotional resilience. It teaches them how to make right when they do something wrong. The times, some of the sweetest moments I've had with my children, is when I lose my patience or when I am not present with them and I recognize it and then I come back to that child, spend time with them and apologize and say hey, I'm really sorry that I got mad at you and I lost my temper. I am not perfect and I'm trying to be perfect. And my kids always, you know, because they're such beautiful souls always immediately love on me and say it's okay and then we have grace for each other. So those moments are beautiful and a beautiful experience that you can have when you feel like you're not doing enough or when you mess up.
Speaker 1:And then, once you've given yourself that extra grace, I would say really focusing on shifting your perspective at the very beginning, where you're not focusing on the gap, you're not focusing on what you're not doing, but you're focusing on what you are doing and really acknowledge that you might feel guilty, that you're not spending, but you're focusing on what you are doing and really acknowledge that you might feel guilty that you're not spending enough time with your kids, but think about ways that you do show up and you are there for them. Maybe you're reading them bedtime stories every night. If you work all day and you have to come home, like that hour that you spend with them is beautiful, or you are loving on them when they are in pain or needing that extra love. And I'm really sorry right now if you can hear my puppy in the background. He is mad at me because I put him in the cranks so I could record this podcast episode If you don't follow me on Instagram. We just got a puppy and it's been so fun and so amazing to have this little cute, little fluff ball. But also mama's got to do her thing and he doesn't like that. He doesn't like that. I don't give him 100% attention all the time.
Speaker 1:Anyways, okay, the next step, once you've shifted your perspective. Like I said, we're not focusing on perfection, we're not trying to be perfect, but when we prioritize connection with our children, that really breeds that beautiful relationship, and connection is the most important thing we can do with our children. It's not never messing up. When you focus on connecting with your kids, you're going to feel more fulfilled and much less guilty. And then if you need to set boundaries, sometimes mom guilt comes because you feel like you have to do it all and you have to show up 100% all the time and you have to make the lunches and you have to show up to every soccer game and all those things. But the truth is you don't have to. It's not necessary. It's not a requirement. It's not necessary. It's not a requirement.
Speaker 1:One of my favorite things that my sister always said and she told me this when I had my first baby was that there are moms doing a lot less than you and not showing up as well as you are for your kids. So don't feel guilty about what you're doing, because you are providing a top-notch experience for these children just by being who I am. It's okay to say no to things. It's okay to take time for yourself. If you need me to give you that permission, I am 100% doing that for you. It is okay to go out every now and then again with friends. It's okay to go on vacation and leave your kids for a night or two so that you can take time for yourself. Because when you do that, you are showing your children how to take care of themselves and that not everybody can be on 100% of the time, not setting them up for that expectation and then you get to come back more fulfilled and happier and show up as a better version of yourself. I know when I go away for a trip with Brad, or if I go on a business trip or something like that, I always come back with a better drive to show up and to be present and that fuels me. Those two nights away fuel me for so much more to be a better mom.
Speaker 1:Letting go of this mom guilt doesn't happen overnight. It's not just going to be like, well, I'm going to get rid of mom guilt. I'm never going to feel it. I hope you don't think that, as I'm saying this and talking about this through this episode, that I've completely gotten rid of mom guilt. No, it still creeps in, it's still there. It's a process. It's constant that I am talking myself through these things and really trying to get to the bottom of it and then rewriting the narrative so that I don't feel the guilt. So every time you choose to give yourself grace every time you show up and connect with your child and you focus on that connection instead of perfection, you're going to take that step towards releasing that guilt and feeling better.
Speaker 1:Remember that mom guilt shouldn't be a reflection of how you're not doing enough. It's a reflection of how much you care, so acknowledging that and leaning into that and saying I care and I want to be a good mom. So if you're struggling with mom guilt, you're not alone and you're not stuck. You can move through it. You can let go of guilt, you can embrace imperfection and start to enjoy motherhood, because really guilt is not changing anything. It's not making you be better. All it's doing is keeping you stuck. So hopefully I've given you some tools today, in this episode where you feel like you can move forward and the next time you feel guilty over something, talk yourself through it, find the root cause of what you're feeling, give yourself grace, shift that perspective and then prioritize connection and boundaries and you'll be well on your way to a peaceful, joyous motherhood. So thanks for joining me today and I'll see you next week.
