Ep.62 Stuck in Resentment? Here's Why Nothing Will Change Until You Do This

If you're exhausted from the same fights, the same resentments, the same feeling that everyone around you is the problem, this episode is for you. You're not crazy. But there's something nobody's told you yet.

EPISODE SUMMARY:

It's so easy to point the finger.

At the relationship that's draining you. The family member who doesn't get it. The boss who pushes your buttons. The partner who never shows up the way you need.

And here's the thing, sometimes those people really are doing something that hurts. That's not the issue.

The issue is that as long as the problem is out there, you have zero power to change it.

In this episode, Sari gets honest about the moment she realized she wasn't the victim of the people around her, she was the one keeping herself stuck. She digs into how our ego builds walls to "protect" us, how complaining bonds us to the very emotions keeping us in anxiety, and why you literally cannot change a situation from the same emotional state that created it.

This isn't about blaming yourself. It's about taking your power back. Because the minute you stop looking out there for the problem and start looking in the mirror, everything can start to shift.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN:

• Why the problem gets louder when we keep seeing the problem as outside of ourselves
• How the ego uses blame and frustration to "keep us safe" — and how that backfires
• Why you can't fix a situation from the same emotional state it was created in
• The difference between aggressive and assertive and how it shows up in anxious women
• How low-vibration emotions like resentment and anger keep your nervous system in fight or flight
• What it actually looks like to raise your emotional frequency to compassion instead of control
• Courage is the one thing that changes the room, the relationship, and you

REFLECTION:

Where in your life are you pointing the finger at someone else right now, and what would change if you looked in the mirror instead?

What emotion are you operating from? And is that emotion capable of creating the future you actually want?

Where are you shrinking instead of speaking — and what's the worst case scenario you've been imagining that's keeping you there?

FREE 5 MINUTE NERVOUS SYSTEM RESET 

If anxiety feels like it's coming from everyone around you, download the free 5-minute Nervous System Reset to help calm your body and create a little space before you react.

WORK WITH SARI 

If you're ready to stop living in anxiety and want support in actually changing it, you can book a free discovery call. 

TIMESTAMPS:

00:02 — Why we're conditioned to see the problem as outside of ourselves 

02:11 — The sister story: when Sari realized she was the aggressive one 

04:13 — Why complaining bonds us to low-vibration emotions (and keeps us stuck)

06:39 — You cannot change from the same emotional state the problem was created in 

09:02 — What happens when you replace frustration with compassion 

11:07 — Where did these emotions get built? Asking the deeper question 

11:35 — How we give our power away and how to reclaim it 

13:48 — Guided moment: asking your body where it doesn't feel safe 

17:12 — The truth bomb: you can't change from the same emotional state 

17:24 — Courage is not the absence of fear  

20:59 — Courage opens doors that fear keeps shut 

24:26 — When you stop blaming, you start transforming 

25:50 — Closing: courage doesn't always feel good, but it always feels true

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Free 5 minute Nervous System Reset

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Today, I want to talk about how we have all been conditioned to see the problem outside of ourselves. To see that everything that is wrong is something that this experience is doing. This experience is wrong, or this person is acting this way or reacting this way. And this happens in so many of our day-to-day environments. This could be happening at school. This could be happening with best friends. This could be happening with sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers. It could be happening with bosses, coworkers, you name it. But how we have all been trained to almost point the finger at the relationship or the job or the things that aren't working. And to not ever, as if we were looking in a mirror and pointing the finger at the mirror, who would we be pointing the finger at? We would be pointing it to ourselves. And this is when things really started to change for me when I realized that the problem was no longer outside of myself, but within myself. And our ego really loves to see the outside world as a problem because then it has a role. It has a role to protect us. That's what our ego does to keep us safe, to keep us protected. And so it stirs up all these crazy feelings, thoughts, emotions about why we aren't the problem, but someone else's. Let's build up these walls and make it someone else's problem. So really quick, and I've said this before, the the time for me that things really changed were when I was having an argument with my sister, and it was Sari's way or the highway. And I was being a total bitch. And she told me to my face, Sari, you're being a fucking bitch. And I remember we didn't end up talking for weeks and weeks and weeks. And she was my person at the time. She was the person that helped me through my panic attacks. And so to not have that person, like to be so pissed off and to think, like, oh, it's your fault. You're the reason why. And to stay in that energy, to stay in that like anger and that frustration, um, was really hard because I actually really needed her. But my ego was like fighting harder that she was the problem instead of me. And what I realized is that I was extremely aggressive. And I remember seeing this side-by-side comparison on Instagram somewhere that talked about the qualities of an aggressive personality. And then it also talked about the qualities of an assertive personality. And I looked at the two and I knew I was the aggressive, but I really wanted to be the absorptive. And so this is when being the observer, being the witness of yourself really starts to come online of asking yourself the question, who am I being? And I didn't want to be the aggressive personality anymore. I wanted to love my sister. She was someone that played a vital role in my life. And it hurt me the fact that I was hurting her. So this came up this weekend or this week with a client. And she said something that made this so clear. It's that like complaining is easy. And we literally bond over it. And when we bond over it, and this goes back to whenever I used to work in the salon and we had a break room, and somebody would go back there and they would say, like, oh my gosh, my client's doing this. And then somebody would either chime in or bring up their own similar story. And in the same way, this energetic level of this emotion of either frustration or judgment or whatever was coming up that like made us feel good to talk about this. It's like those same emotions are just like coming together and they're bonding. And it's really hard to get out of that situation. And so maybe it's that we're frustrated. We're frustrated that a certain situation is happening, that maybe someone in our family isn't taking on some of the weight, or they're not thinking about your feelings. And so it's really easy to just point the finger at like they're the problem, they're the problem. Well, the problem with that is that we can't change from the same level of mind that the emotion, the problem, the frustration, the resentment, the judgment, the fear, the anger, we can't change from the same level of mind that the problem was created. So if we're seeing the problem outside of us, right, just we'll just stick on the family member that they're not thinking about us or they don't care about us. We're making all these stories up and we're pointing the finger at them. Well, how is it making us feel? It's not making us feel good. It's fake making us feel more angry, more frustrated, more resentment, perhaps even more guilt. And we're trying to change the problem, but we can't change the problem because we're sitting in the same emotions that the problem exists. And so this is where it gets really hard to change. Because we can't fix from frustration. We create more frustration. So what if we, and and let's just so if you look up the map of consciousness, just Google it if you feel curious to. There's emotions have vibration. They have energy, right? Energy in motion is an emotion. So when you see sadness, when you see anger, when you see grief, when you see guilt, when you see frustration, when you see resentment, when you see anger, all of these things, these are low vibration emotions. They're really dense, right? How do we feel in our bodies when these emotions are present? Do we feel contracted? Do we feel heavy? Do we feel like the world is on our shoulders and we're trying to change it and nobody's listening? And when you think of higher level vibration, when you think of joy, when you think of gratitude, when you think of compassion, when you think of peace, being respected, all of these things, right? So let's just say going back to this family situation, we're in frustration because we're frustrated that this person either can't hear us or can't behave differently or act differently. But what if we change that frustration to compassion? We're all compassionate human beings. What if we got to understand that maybe they're acting or reacting in this way because of some hurt part of them? And if we can start to raise our vibration, our emotions to those higher frequencies of like compassion or love and just loving them, that they're they're in a cycle or a pattern that they don't know how to get out of. And maybe this is, you know, a grandparent or your mom or somebody who's been in this pattern for 50, 60 years. It's not easy for them to change. And so can we just love them and have compassion for it? And maybe it's the thing that like we need to actually speak up about something. And maybe we have this fear that we can't speak about it. Like, what could possibly happen if I say this thing? If I say the way that you're behaving isn't working for me, or stepping up for your boundaries and saying, you know, this is the holidays right now. We have lots of family involved. So many things are coming up. And to say out loud that this isn't working for me, we go to worst case scenario in our minds of like, oh my God, and this is the ego again protecting us. That if I say this thing right now, they're going to hate me. But what's even wilder is that you are more willing to sacrifice your own feelings to make sure that they stay the same. Therefore, staying in the same cycle, the same pattern, versus taking that one micro step to be courageous, to be fearless, to do something different, right? Like going back to the aggressive, assertive versions of myself, it would have been so easy to continue being this aggressive bitch who it was her way or the highway. But to actually share my vulnerability, that like the reason that I was being this way was because I needed so much control and I had so much anxiety, so much fear that if I didn't live this way, I didn't know what was going to happen. And so to let people know that I was vulnerable was now changing that aggressive personality into someone who's a little bit more assertive because now she's compassionate. Now she understands what's going on with her and why. So maybe asking yourself, where would love, where would compassion, where would gratitude take you instead of the frustration, the resentment, the guilt, the anger? And another question to ask yourself when these emotions are coming up is where were these emotions built? At what point in your life did these show up? Right? If you're lacking confidence, when was your confidence taken from you? What situation did that happen? And whoever it was taken from, right? I always say, like, we're giving our power away to people left and right. If we get upset about a situation, especially when it's involving another person, they are literally taking our power, they're taking our joy, they're taking our happiness, they're taking our love, they're taking our vibrancy, our radiance, and saying, here, feel this shitty emotion instead. And this is when I always say, like, I'm reclaiming my shit back. Because why would I want to lower myself to being either in control for some reason? Because granted, a lot of the reasons why we're trying to be in control is because at some point it created a safety mechanism for us. But if that safety mechanism now is anxiety and constant fear because you're constantly waiting for the shoe to drop, then your power is being taken away from you. And this was me, year after year after year. I had no power because I was living in control. But the minute I realized I had a choice, I could decide whether I wanted to feel something different or I wanted to keep lowering my vibration. And when we're in fear, we're in resentment, we're in judgment, we're in all of these things, our body's in fight or flight. Our body is not in a state of rest and repair or creation. We're in fight or flight. The lion is chasing us. It may not be an exact lion, but it is in either our awareness or it's in our mind. And we're choosing it. We're choosing to feel frustrated, we're choosing to feel judgment, we're choosing to feel control. And so, where can you ask your body if it feels safe? And could you ask your body, when did your safety get taken away from you? And so allowing yourself to just close your eyes for a second.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

Slowly take a deep breath. And to ask your body where it doesn't feel safe.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

And if it's a certain place in your body, maybe your chest or your head or your throat or your jaw, perhaps your stomach, and just witnessing it.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

And could you just send your love to that location in your body? Slowly taking another deep breath.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

And in this moment, as you're sending love to this place in your body, it didn't feel safe. Assuring it now that you are in the driver's seat, that you are no longer a passenger of your life. You are no longer the victim. And yes, your ego, which has kept you safe for so long, is terrified of change. But the more and more that you assure it that it is not in danger, the more that these old programs, these old patterns that have kept you in this survival state begin to unravel.

SPEAKER_00 18:57

So slowly take a deep breath and come back into the space, eyes open.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

And through this space where you in your body didn't feel safe, where have you avoided the hard conversation? Where have you ruminated on the situation instead of acting on it? Where have you imagined the worst case scenario and continue staying cemented in the same place because of the worst case scenario?

SPEAKER_00 19:47

Where are you shrinking instead of speaking?

SPEAKER_01 19:54

And to remember that you cannot change the situation that you are in from the same emotional state of mind that it was created.

SPEAKER_00 20:07

Courage is not the absence of fear.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

It's choosing a different response, a different story in the presence of that fear. So again, asking yourself, what emotion am I operating from right now? And that space in your body that didn't feel safe, what emotion was operating that space? And is that emotion capable of creating a future that you want and desire? My guess is it's not. And if it's not, what do you need to change? What frequency do you need to step into? Which version of yourself do you need to step into? Do you need to build more love for yourself or for another? Be more compassionate for their situation. And what would respect feel like in your body, honoring your body instead of fear of what could happen? You know, a story that's coming up for me is um my friend Liz. You guys know her if you've listened to some of the guest episodes. She's been a guest quite a few times, and I just love her to pieces. Um this summer, Liz wanted to work with me, and she's a friend. And everything in my body at that moment was like, oh my gosh, yes, I love that she wants to work with me. And I want to just give her my services for free. And because she's my friend and I love her, and I just want to see her thrive and get beyond her limitations. And immediately I was like, well, you know, what if she can't pay, or what if she doesn't even like working with me and then she paid me? And just, you know, making up all these stories. And again, my ego coming in to protect me, saying, like, no, I should, I, I, I shouldn't charge her like all these things, just give it to her. But in reality, what if I actually told her and stood my ground of you have to pay my full price? Because I had honored myself recently of I was no longer going to be doing one-off sessions with anyone, that they had to buy a package and they had to pay in full to commit to their greatness, to commit to their change. And so, what if I actually told her how much I charge? I was terrified. I literally imagined the worst case scenario. But when I told her, she was so happy and so honored and respected me that I was honoring my boundaries and my needs. And now, yes, not everyone will respond that way, but courage opens doors that fear keeps shut. Let me repeat that one more time. Courage opens doors that fear keeps shut. And so if we're living from fear, the door is always going to be closed. But if we have that one moment of courageousness, of being fearless, what could happen? And the more that we choose this for ourselves, the more that we start to embody this courageousness even more, this gives other people in our worlds permission, permission to do something different. Let me tell you, I am a living, breathing, walking example of what can happen when you truly decide to change. My family, Kevin, my husband, my two girls, Rael and Harlow, when I started changing my my oldest Rael, she was about eight years old. This was like back in 2019. And the subconscious mind is built up until the age of eight or nine. So, of course, she got the mother who was stressed out all the time. And she got the mother who was anxious. And fearful. And so, what do you think her subconscious was built out of? Fear, anxiety, control. Now, Harlow, she got a very different mother because I started changing. And it's funny to witness their personalities and how control still very much lives in Rael's life. And Harlow's just like be bopping around the world, like there's no problem. And I say this, and not to say that there's anything wrong with Rael or Harlow's better. It's just that Rael got a little bit more of my mirroring of my programs as a mother. And this was also what motivated me to be different. And as I started changing, I was leaving in a world where I was having a conscious family, that everybody was aware of how they were behaving, that everybody was happier because they weren't living so much in their fear or in their guilt or their judgment or their anger. And it's a domino effect. It's a ripple effect. And so imagine the people around you that are having the same emotional struggles that you are. And if you decide to be courageous in that one micro step every day, it gives others permission to take their micro step. To be able to cross that line of fear and to see that it's not the end of the world. So if I could give you anything, it's when you step into con into courage, others feel it. When you speak differently, people respond differently. When you honor yourself, you teach others to honor themselves. And when you stop blaming, you start transforming because now you're looking in the mirror and you're seeing that it's not blaming that person in front of you, but it's seeing that blame on yourself. And you have the power to change it. Courage changes the room, changes the relationship, and it changes you. And when you change, everything around you begins to shift. And if you are fucking tired of living from fear, from living from frustration, from living from blaming others that it's their problem and not yours, and you're ready to step into something, to have courage to do something, to have that self-respect. I'm here. So if you feel called, book a freedom roadmap session. The link will be in the show notes. We can just have a conversation. There's no money. Just let's talk about what's possible for you. So remember that courage doesn't always feel good. But when you step into it, it always feels true. You made it here and that means something. So keep showing up.