Ep.67 Why Do I Feel Emotionally Numb? The Subconscious Program Inside

Are you feeling emotionally numb and you don't know why? Are you doing all the right things, and feel exhausted? This episode is for you. You're not falling apart. You're not in crisis, but just going through the motions and feeling nothing. That is a subconscious program running the show, and that's not a I need to be doing more problem. And if you're a mom, there's a good chance your kids are running a version of all of this too.

EPISODE SUMMARY: Sari opens with a real life recent story, coming home exhausted, being reactive with her oldest daughter, and the conversation the next morning that changed everything.

Her daughter was doing all the things. Good grades, chores, helping out. And she still was feeling unloved. She believed her younger sister was loved more, because she saw that her sister didn't have to earn it.

Sound familiar?

In this episode, Sari unpacks the subconscious agreement that so many high-functioning, anxious women are looking through life without realizing it: if I do more, I'll be loved more. She breaks down how this belief was formed in early childhood, why it keeps running on autopilot no matter how much you accomplish, and why 95% of your daily thoughts are recycling the same quiet story you made up about yourself when you were small.

She also speaks directly to moms: your children often mirror the subconscious program you modeled during their earliest years. Learning to see the agreement in them, and ask the right question instead of reacting to the behavior, is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself and for them.

She closes with a guided breathing and visualization exercise to help you meet the younger version of yourself who first made that agreement — and begin to choose something different.

This is not about doing more. It is about finally seeing the lens you have been looking through.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN:

• Why you feel emotionally numb even when you're doing everything right — and the subconscious program driving it
• What the agreement or belief you're looking through life actually is — and how to identify yours
• How subconscious programs get formed between birth and age eight and why they keep running without you knowing
• Why your children often mirror the agreements you modeled during your most anxious years — and how witnessing theirs can heal both of you
• The difference between conditional love (earned) and unconditional love (already yours)
• Why self awareness is the first crack of light — and why it is not enough on its own
• Why hypnosis and subconscious work reaches what conscious effort and surface-level tools cannot
• A simple breathing and visualization practice to meet the younger version of yourself who made the agreement

REFLECTION:

1. What is the agreement or belief you are looking through life right now? What lens are you seeing everything through?
2. When did that agreement start? How old was the version of you who made it?
3. If you replaced that lens with unconditional love, how would you move through your day differently?
4. For the moms: what subconscious belief might you be watching play out in your child that you recognize from your own story?

If anxiety feels like a constant hum of "not enough no matter what I do," 

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 It's just a conversation. No pressure. 

 You're not broken. You're not behind. And you're not alone. If you made it here, that means something.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Fuck anxiety. It's a battle cry to all the women out there who are so tired of continuing to let anxiety keep them imprisoned in their own lives. If you wake up already exhausted, even after a full night of sleep, most of your day taking care of everything. The kids, the work, the responsibilities, you show up with a smile like you have it all together. But underneath that, something that doesn't feel right. No one can really tell. So stick around because I'm going to share with you old hand stories that get you back. Welcome back, everyone. I want to touch on something that has shown up recently. And that if you feel like that you are exhausted from doing everything right, and you still feel like you're not enough, or you're not loved enough, or people aren't paying attention to you, or they're not acknowledging you, we think that it's a doing problem, but when in actuality, it's a belief problem. And there's an agreement that we made about ourselves, that you made about yourself long ago, that is running the show and you don't even know it. And this is where the subconscious comes in and is the 95% of the program that's running the show that we don't even realize, right? It's that same idea of you're driving your car and you somehow get to your destination without even thinking about it. That is a subconscious program. The thoughts that roll through your mind that you aren't even thinking about. It's just automatic. And we think we're doing all the things, and yet we're still feeling not full, not satisfied, not satiated, not joyful. Like it's it's almost like a numbing feeling. So I'm gonna share a little bit of a story that made me think about this. Um so last night I had a really long day, and I am the treasurer of the PTA, and it's the end of the year, and I had to get all these things together. So I was having another member that was helping me. And my girls were left at home by themselves, um, which again, my oldest is 14, my youngest is nine, about to be 10. And we live in a great community, so I feel really good about doing that. But when I came home, I was just exhausted as fuck. Like PTA was the last thing I wanted to be fucking doing. If you've listened to any of my past episodes, you know that this is one of the things I've overcommitted myself on. And here I was not being able to spend time with my girls and instead being stuck doing this thing. So when I got home, I was just kind of in a shit mood. And I was reactive, I was annoyed, and it was not really who I wanted to be. Um and I kind of went off a little bit on my oldest. We have created a rule in the house that she doesn't get to have her phone in her room. And this is just so that she comes out of her room and she wants to be with the family and she's not just like stuck with a screen in her phone in her room with the door closed. And so when I got home, her phone wasn't on the kitchen counter. And I immediately was just because I was already annoyed, I was like, where's your phone? And now, granted, I can also work on myself by coming home and not being reactive in that way. And so she got really upset that I got on to her, and which she has every right to be, to be honest. Like that when I come home and that's the first thing I jump to. Yes, that is something that I'm gonna work on and I'm gonna continue to work on. But what really came up for me in this was that there were unsaid things when we went to bed, and um I know that there is always this kind of unsaid program running with her that she doesn't feel loved. And we've read this really amazing book. Um, if you haven't read it, I highly suggest you go out and get it, get it on Audible. It's really short and it's really amazing, but it's called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And it's um of the Toltec tradition, and it's just really beautiful. It it talks about the agreements that we make as humanity, as a society, and then there's four main agreements to kind of just live your life by, but that's another episode. So we've read some of this book together, and um, when we got up this morning and I went in her room, and I, you know, wanted to share with her that like this fight wasn't really about the phone and that I love her no matter what, but there are things that I need and she wasn't respecting them. And that bothered me more than anything. And she a lot of times doesn't know what to say because she doesn't want to worry about upsetting me, which I'm like, that's not fair to me because you don't even give me the chance to respond differently than what you think I'm going to respond. So I was just holding some space and and I didn't say anything because sometimes she gets mad at me that I'm like more coaching than just listening. So I was like, okay, let's listen. And nothing was coming out. And I said, you know, this is the part where you get to share what's on your mind. And it turned into, well, mom, this doesn't actually have anything to do with this, but she got mad because her sister, she claims, is there's, I guess, like some, as there always is with siblings, right? There's like tension or comparison or competition of some degree. And um, you know, she said, you know, I come home from school and I'm a really good student. I do all of my homework, I pick up the house, I have do all my chores, and then she gets gets to come home and sit on the couch and eat chips all day. And I was like, Well, is that how you're seeing things? And she's like, Yeah. And, you know, being the mom, number one, she's nine. So I don't require her to do the things that a 14-year-old would do. And I asked her, I said, you know, when you were nine years old, were you doing all the things that you're doing now? Or did you get to come home and kind of relax and all these things, which don't get me wrong, my 14-year-old also gets to come home and relax. So this is more about the lens that we're seeing life through. And, you know, I encourage you to think about this, maybe with your own kids, but also through yourself. What am I looking through life? What is the agreement or belief that I'm looking through life at? And so, you know, I'd asked her, I was like, do you want a relationship where we talk about these things? Or do you want a relationship where we stuff it down? And she's like, Well, I want to talk about it. I'm like, okay, let's talk about it. And so as she's seeing that her sister gets to come home and do nothing, and you know, we she says we acknowledge her sister more than we acknowledge her. And I asked her, I said, okay, what is the belief or the agreement that you have about yourself based off what you just said? And this is where we go back to the beginning of doing more is never a doing problem. It's a love for yourself problem. Right? What she was experiencing, the the way that she was seeing the family dynamic, is that she believes that we love her sister more. And her sister doesn't do anything. And here she is over here doing all the things, and she doesn't feel loved. And so she's looking for the very thing to point the finger at. When instead, this is what I work on my my clients with so much, is turn like we have to love ourselves before anyone else can ever love us. It doesn't matter if I just showered her with love crazy constantly, all of the time. She still wouldn't feel it because there's something lacking within. And now, granted, um, you know, she thinks she's earning her love, right? But what is unconditional love? Unconditional doesn't have any conditions, doesn't have any limitations, doesn't have any judgment, doesn't have any of it. It is unconditional. We don't have to earn or fight for that love. And she thinks she needs to. And again, the gap isn't out there looking for someone for us to love us. It's inside. Where do we need to love ourselves more? So the question is: where did this agreement come from? She didn't just decide this consciously, and nobody does. You didn't just decide consciously that this agreement that if I do more, people will love you, right? And and, you know, I'm definitely willing to take blame a little bit in this situation of, I always said, you know, our our subconscious is created from the ages of birth to eight or nine years old. This is when our subconscious programs are created. Now, that time for her, I was extremely anxious, anxiety-ridden, chronic panic attack, chronic fight or flight, chronic control, chronic, probably looking outside of myself for everything, right? I was the model. And I know this. It's really hard for me to witness because I see a lot of the stuff that I used to have that I modeled for her in her childhood. My youngest daughter, she didn't really get that version of me. And I probably was in too much survival to maybe fully acknowledge her and give her the love that she needed or wanted. So, but now that we're here, we get to reparent each other in this situation and decide how do you want to feel now? We all got where we are somehow, but the question is, do we want to stay there? And and how long do we want to stay there? Right. And so I ask her, okay, so if this agreement is that if I will do more, I'll acknowledge more, then I'll get more love. You know, how is she viewing the world? How is she seeing the world? And if you're someone who's maybe a people pleaser or looking for that constant acknowledgement, how are you seeing the world? Are you seeing the world as only if I get these acknowledgements, then I'm I'm loved? Only if I make sure everyone else is happy, then they'll love me more? How are we viewing the world? And if we can instead take it from this unconditional love place of how we're seeing the world, how would that look different? If there was zero conditions, zero limitations, and you just were given love just because how do you think that you would see the world differently? If everything was working out in your favor, how might that look? And for her, she's like, you know, she didn't even actually know what the lens, like how viewing the lens of unconditional love is. And I find that a lot is people often tend to say, well, this is what I don't want. Okay, we have that clear, but we can't keep focusing on what we don't want. We have to focus on what we do. And so I asked her, sometimes it's truly just as simple as being the polar opposite. Okay, so you know that looking for love, needing to control things. And if you do, then that will give you some sense of security or some sort of feeling of love. If I get, if I am accomplished, then I'll have these things, right? But that's a if this then situation versus allowing yourself to have that feeling in the moment. It's all a feeling. So if we're looking through the lens of I'm not worthy enough to be acknowledged and to be love, what's the feeling you're gonna experience? It's probably uninsatisfactory, it's probably not good, it's probably upset, sad, angry, remorseful, resentful, so many different things. But if you allow yourself to instead look through the lens of unconditional love, of I'm amazing no matter what. And and this is not, you know, the easiest thing to change consciously, and this is why I do subconscious work. I use hypnosis because we can speak to that part of ourselves so much better in a hypnotic state than consciously in our rationalizing mind, right? 95% of our subconscious is running the show. So if we can get to that 95% that's running the show and start rewiring some of those beliefs and those agreements, even if your life, just imagine, right? Like all of the energy, the the constant going, going, going, the energizer bunny, if you're a doer trying to get love, like imagine how overrun your nervous system is. And what would it feel like to just stop running, to stop doing, to feel we've been so conditioned that we have to do in order to be successful or to be loved or to be popular or to be so many different things. What would your nervous system feel like if you just stopped because you were already loved? And I think a lot of us don't even know what that feels like. And it wasn't until I started meditating, I started doing other forms of subconscious work, hypnosis and things like that, that I could actually start teaching my body what it felt like to stop and to just be in the moment and to feel. And a lot of times that feels scary because when we stop, then that means that everything comes up and we're gonna have to like confront it. And we've created a world where distraction is the key. But what if it was the very ticket to the love that you want, to the freedom that you want to experience, is actually dealing with it, sitting in the moment, feeling it, releasing it so that you can be free. And I can be a testimonial, and so many of my clients can too, that that freedom is priceless. It's priceless. So again, it's not a quick fix, it's about the tiny thoughts that are the thing. It's not these big dramatic moments that lock in these beliefs, right? Even if we have an amazing experience on a hypnotic journey, that is the thing that kind of knocks the screw loose, but it's not gonna be the thing every day, right? It's now you now know something about yourself, but now you have to put it into action, right? We have 60 to 70,000 thoughts a day. Most of them are the same thoughts that we had yesterday. And so, what do you need to view differently about your life so that you don't have the same 60 to 70,000 thoughts a day tomorrow? It's about the small ones that pass by in a second. I should have done more. She loves her more. I'm not enough if I just sit here. That's the belief system reinforcing itself quietly all day long. The little tiny thoughts. That is exactly what we break down in one-on-one work when you come to say, I'm ready. I'm ready for freedom. I'm ready to know what it feels like to stop running on this energizer bunny autopilot. I'm exhausted. Catching those thoughts before they run the show. So I want you to pause right now, and I'm gonna ask you a question based off everything you've just heard. What is one agreement that you have about yourself that is not loving to you? Just one. It could even sound like I have to earn my place, whether it be in my family or my job or my relationship. Maybe it's I'm not useful. And because I'm not useful, I'm not wanted. If I slow down, everything's gonna fall apart. No one is going to show up for me, so I can't stop. That's a sure sign of control. And now through that, how am I viewing the world through this agreement? And then once you have that, flip it. If if I replaced that with unconditional love for myself, what would I believe instead? How would I move through my day? You don't have to fix it today. Sometimes it's just the awareness point. It's just seeing it. Because you can't change what you can't see and you don't know. So I'm gonna invite you to close your eyes for a minute if you're not driving. And if you are driving, just allow yourself to be imaginative for a moment. Think about the version of yourself. Slowly take a deep breath. Let's breathe one into the count of four. One, two, three, four, holding it. I don't want you to slowly exhale to the count of six, one. Two, three, four, five, six. And one more time, breathing into the count of four. One, two, three, four, holding it. And slowly exhaling. One, two, three, four, five, six. And now the agreement that you thought about earlier. The version of you that made that agreement. How old was she? What was happening around her that made her decide she had to earn love? See her for a second. Not with judgment, not with shame, not with guilt. With the same compassion you would have for your own child, your own daughter sitting across from you at the kitchen table. She was trying to feel safe. She just was trying to feel loved. And she is loved. She has always been loved. Now bring yourself back into your body. Take a slow breath in this moment. And just ask yourself what if you were already enough? What if you always were enough? And when it feels right, come back into your body. And just know that this is exactly the work I do with my clients. Not in a just talk about your feelings for an hour kind of way. We go in and we find these agreements, these tiny beliefs that have been running quietly in the background since you were small. And we start to rewire them at the subconscious level where they actually live. And if any of this is landing and you're ready to look at yours, there's a link in the show notes to book a free freedom roadmap session with me. It's a discovery call, it's just a conversation. There's no pressure. We just get to gain some clarity. And also a reminder that there is a five-minute nervous system reset that is for free. That link is also in the show notes. That when you are reactive, like I was at the beginning of this episode, sharing my experience, you come back to. So that we're not the energizer bunny. We don't feel that like tension, that sensation in our body that just doesn't feel at peace. We can use a tool like the five-minute nervous system reset to come back to ourselves, to gain our power back, to remember that we're loved and we've always been loved. And how do we want to see the world through those eyes? And to remember that you made it here, and that means something. So keep showing up. There's always more. And we'll see you next episode. If this episode felt like it was speaking directly to you, share it with another woman who might need to hear this too. And please leave a rating and a review. This helps boost the podcast so women just like you can find it and find real-time support and believe. Stay tuned for more episodes of stories, tools, and real time. Because you're more than just the identity of a woman who has inside you. And when you begin to heal your voice, you're not just changing your life. You're changing what is passed down to your daughters, your granddaughters, and the women who come after you. You are not. And this is where we get to the