Episode 057: How A Sudden Loss Became A Midlife Wake-Up Call

The quiet hours can change a life. We sit down with author and artist Laing Rikkers to trace how dawn writing, long walks, and a sudden loss opened a doorway from grief to growth—and how nature’s language can help you name what’s changing in midlife. Laing’s book, Morning Leaves, began as private morning pages for her children during lockdown and grew into a vivid map of becoming: palms bent by relentless wind, a black-eyed Susan fighting through concrete, a cactus guarding a soft core. These images mirror the real work many of us face now—shedding old identities, listening more closely, and choosing what truly matters when the noise falls away.

We talk about the awkward courage of trying on a new self when your past role still fits others’ expectations. After years in private equity, sharing poems and botanical art felt risky, but encouragement, a wise publisher, and a steady trail of “breadcrumbs” kept her moving. Lang reframes grief as a practice that can lead to joy—not sparkly happiness, but a grounded alignment with values and integrity. The second edition of Morning Leaves expands the lens beyond bereavement to cultural and environmental loss, adds new art and a poem, and includes an epilogue reflecting on five years of transformation.

Along the way, we lean into simple practices that make space for clarity: morning pages before the inner critic wakes up, walking in nature until an image meets your mood, and following small curiosities back to play. We also explore service as a source of meaning—supporting food security and end-of-life caregivers—and how radical self-care sustains expression and impact. If midlife feels like a cliff edge, consider this your nudge: crack the concrete, grow wild, bloom bright, and listen carefully. Press play, share this with a friend who needs courage today, and if it resonates, subscribe and leave a review so more people can find the conversation.

Laing Rikkers is an award-winning author, entrepreneur, and executive coach whose personal journey through grief inspired her book Morning Leaves (Red Hen Press), now in its second edition. Drawing on creativity, nature, and simple daily rituals, Laing offers a practical and

compassionate guide to navigating grief and life’s many transitions. Whether facing personal loss, burnout, or major change, her heartfelt insights and actionable tools help people find resilience, meaning, and joy—even in the darkest seasons.

Website:  www.laingrikkers.com

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Transcript

Setting The Theme: Midlife And Grief

Speaker 2 0:00

Welcome to the MiDOViA Menopause Podcast, your trusted source for information about menopause and midlife. Join us each episode as we have great conversations with great people. Tune in and enjoy the show.

Introducing Lang And Morning Leaves

Speaker 1 0:15

Hey everyone, welcome back. Today we're diving into a conversation that feels especially powerful for women in midlife. This is the season where so many of us are navigating change, loss, reinvention, and the quiet unraveling and rebuilding of what happens inside. And our guest today is Laing Rikkers. Laing is the author of Morning Leaves, which is a stunning collection of poems and botanical art that she wrote in the early mornings following the sudden loss of her sister during COVID. Morning Leaves is a book about grief, but equally a book about becoming, about what happens when life cracks us open and invites us to grow in a new direction. You know, what makes Laing's work so resonant from midlife is the honesty in her metaphors. She writes of being a plum tree carrying generational memory, a cactus protecting its soft inner core, a black-eyed Susan rising through the concrete, which happened to be my favorite one, and a sprout emerging from the ashes. These are the emotional landscapes so many women walk through during this stage of life. Moments of burnout, resilience, awakening, tenderness, and profound clarity. Midlife asks us to let go of old identities, to listen more deeply, to reconnect with our intuition, and pay attention to what truly matters. Morning Leave offers a way to name these seasons, to see ourselves in nature, and to remember that we're not alone in the transition. Laing's story is a reminder that healing isn't linear, creativity can be a lifeline, and the second half of life can blossom in ways we never expected. I'm so grateful to have her here today. Lang, welcome.

Speaker 2:01

Thank you for having me. I'm really happy to be here.

Speaker 1 2:03

Yeah. So your dedication cracked me open and whispered today, now, is something many of midlife women feel even without a specific loss. So, how do you see grief or major life changes as a mid as a midlife awakening? A moment that forces us to reassess priorities, identify what we want, and look at what we what the second half of life looks like. How do you what what were you what did you experience there?

Grief As A Midlife Awakening

Speaker 2:36

Well, in the dedication of my book, I was referencing the death of my sister. And that was for me a very particular kind of wake-up call. And it you know coincided with my being in midlife. And so the whole experience of losing her and opening of the sort of door to self-reflection that that kind of a loss brings uh happened to coincide with my being, you know, at this at this particular stage of life. And it was um a real opportunity to reflect on who I had been, what I'd been doing, what I'd been putting up with, what I needed to let go of and move away from. And the way in which my sister died very suddenly, I think also was this um particular wake-up call of like, do it now. That was the that was the the urgency there of what are you waiting for? Like, get with a program, girlfriend. You need to clean up a few things here. And you've been doing some things that are really not aligned with your values and not um not serving you. And so um, let's really dig into what I did, and I'm not sure that I was conscious that this is what I was doing, but now that I've had some distance from the whole experience, I think I really was saying to myself, we really need to look at all of who you are and what you're doing and what you care about and and do a little bit of realignment here. And so I I was able to put it out in the botanical metaphors that I did. I don't know that I was brave enough to do it more directly than that, but my hope is that um the metaphor also makes it more accessible and uh useful to other people. Somehow so precise.

Metaphor As A Path To Healing

Speaker 2 4:38

I love metaphors. So um I actually haven't had an opportunity to read your whole book of poems. So I'm looking forward to doing that um and was excited to just read through kind of cliff notes uh that Kim sent my way. I'm I'm wondering though, um you mentioned that you had a moment where you thought, who am I to publish poetry and art? And I think um, you know, because your background wasn't in writing, right? It was a career in business for those of you that aren't familiar with her work. Um, and I think many midlife women have that new identity that they're adopting or the new coat, if you will, that they're putting on at this different stage of life. And it can feel awkward. It's like a new pair of shoes, right? You put in a new pair of shoes and it feels a little bit strange because it's not, they're not broken in yet, right? Um, and I'm wondering if you can kind of take us through how you navigated through that discomfort of pursuing something different when your old identity really matched and aligned with what people thought you were, if that makes sense. And just to kind of help others through that same stage.

Shedding Old Identities

Speaker 5:53

Yes. Well, I had a little bit of the benefit of the COVID bubble. So I my sister died in December of 19, screaving, then lockdown, the isolation, and I started writing. And um I both had a little bit more time, and it was, and the world was so different and quiet, right, at that moment. So the writing part, even though it was unfamiliar to me as a practice, um, I had the sort of space and privacy, maybe you'd say, to be able to do that. And similarly, when I started, so what happened was I I started writing in the mornings and I hadn't, I wasn't intending to write a book to begin with, but my sister had died um with a nine-year-old daughter. And so I knew that she had not shared with her daughter everything as a mom that she would have wanted to. So I was really um keenly aware of the idea that I might have things to share with my own kids and what would those be. And and this, mind you, was right when we were all hearing about people dropping dead in Italy and soccer game. This was a very intense time for everyone. And I just had the additional layer of the of the grief. So I had written, started organizing my my pobes really to type them up to give to my children, thinking that maybe this would shed some light on who I was, and I wanted them to know me. God forbid something happened to me. And in doing that, like I said earlier, there there seemed to be something more universal there than just my own story. And so I started sharing it with some other friends who are professional writers. And is there something here? What do you think? And I I think it really was that privacy of COVID. I was very uncomfortable with the idea of moving in this direction. I I did have a very particular identity, and this was not it. And so, and it was uh I mean, I was been in private equity in New York, and it was very serious and very male-dominated, and very um particular. And and then I had this book of you know, poetry about trees and spirituality, and it felt uncomfortable to reveal myself that way. And so um, every time I had a doubt, somehow the universe just kept giving me these signals where I would read something or someone would say something, and I just it felt like breadcrumbs. I was like, oh, I guess I have to keep going. And I kept going and I got encouragement from friends who said, no, no, no, you should you should keep going. Maybe you would add in an introduction, or maybe you you know try this, or try you know, they gave me some suggestions along the way, but I had the ability to to then keep moving forward, but it it was wildly uncomfortable. And I I have an immense respect for artists because when you put your work out there and it's really personal, you're so vulnerable. And I and I didn't realize and I think that's true for any kind of artist, a musician or anyone. And so I I would say to your listeners who, if they are moving in this direction, that that discomfort is very normal. And yet if you push through it and you get to the other side, it's also so satisfying and rewarding. And to find the connection with people who identify with it, even if it's just a couple of people, is really meaningful.

Speaker 1 9:48

Yeah. I love the idea of breadcrumbs that you followed them. And I um I think April and I experienced this in the work that we do because if we didn't follow them, it would haunt us. Like we have to follow this passion that we have in our hearts around menopause in midlife. And if we didn't, I don't think we we both wouldn't know what we would be doing right now, right? And you kept following the sort of your heart in this space and gave yourself permission to think outside the box to do something different. Um, when you look back now, what do you think about the courage that it took for you to do that?

Writing Through Lockdown And Loss

Speaker 10:30

I'm really glad that I listened to my sort of inner compass, I would say. And that was really part of the journey was the finding and listening to that compass. And so I'm very, very glad that I did it. And it still looks and feels scary. And I've got the second edition of the book coming out in March, and it's scary all over again. So I think that that's just part of speaking your truth in the world and trying to be as honest with yourself as you possibly can means that you are exposed in a certain way. And I believe that it's worth doing that, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't feel scary at all. That's not scary, right?

Speaker 1 11:21

Or easy. Can you talk about what you added to the book for this second edition? Because I think that's probably one of the favorite parts um of of your of your book to me. It's where I was like, okay, I totally get this now.

From Private Equity To Poetry

Speaker 11:36

Sure. So the first edition of the book I can show you, this is the first edition, and it's called Morning Leads Reflections on Lost, Grief, and Connection. And the second edition, I have a new publisher, and she was brilliant. She at first we started talking about the book, and I said, you know, are we thinking about this as a grief gift book, which is just how it's really been in the world? And she said, Yes, but this is actually a joy book. And I was like, Oh interesting same coin flip side. And it opened up this whole different way of seeing things and thinking that was really helpful. And so the other thing that was important to both her and me was that right now there's so much grief culturally. It's not just death grief, there's political and environmental and et cetera, et cetera. So we wanted to open up the aperture to talk about all kinds of loss. So there's a preface now that is fairly brief, but it opens up this idea of loss in the broader sense, and that in order to find joy, it is available to all of us, but it's a choice and that it takes work and that it is effort. And it's not the sort of sparkle of happiness, it's that very deliberate decision to live according to you know what you view as you know, sort of integrity and values, and that in doing that you really can find a deeper sense of joy. And then it has so that's the first part that's new. There is one new poem. Um, there's a bunch of new art. I worked with an incredible artist named Kelly Leehee Ratting, and she did new art for the second edition as well. And so there's new poem, and then there's an epilogue that is sort of the five-year reflection on my experience of having gone through this, and you know, relevant to a lot of things that we've chatted about, this question of well, who did I become and why did I become that in going through this process? I mean, as somebody who I really never, I was not somebody who had writing a book on their bucket list. This was not part of the plan at all. And yet it has turned out to be one of the more important pivotal things that I've done, and I feel is important for me as in my growth as a person, and then also hopefully, you know, the impact I can have in helping other people get closer to understanding themselves and having the opportunity to express themselves too.

Speaker 1 14:35

Yeah.

Speaker 2 14:35

Just out of curiosity, were you a writer in the sense of writing every day, journaling? Did you have um, I guess I will say experience with writing, but uh just from a personal perspective, were you a writer before you picked up the pen to start this project?

Following Breadcrumbs And Courage

Speaker 14:54

No, I really wasn't. I wasn't somebody who ever journaled. I wasn't very comfortable writing. I mean, I'd done school writing, but the kind of writing I had done in school was always, you know, classic grammar and very boxed in right or wrong. And, you know, unlike how my children learned to write, which they Columbia Writers Program or get your ideas out on the paper and we'll clean it up. It was very, very different from how I was taught writing. And I was certainly influenced by their English classes going through high school, but it was uh Julie Cameron's artist way that got me writing every morning when COVID started and I had a little bit more time. I really wanted to do something creative. And so I had thought, well, maybe I'll make jewelry or sculpt. And I think had it not been locked down, I would have taken a class or done something, but I had no skills and no tools and no experience. So I really needed to do something else. So I started writing. And if you've read um the artist's way, her primary suggestion is morning pages, which is writing three pages every morning before speaking or doing anything else. And that was where it all started. And actually, the title, Morning Leaves, is also a nod to morning pages and play on words of mourning and morning grief, and leaves the tree and leaves of books and leaving and staying, and so that was what that's I love that.

Speaker 2 16:31

I love that you um I love the story. I mean that you weren't even a writer and you sat down with blank pages. I think that in and of itself takes bravery, frankly.

Speaker 1 16:41

For sure.

Speaker 2 16:41

Um, because so many people just won't, because it's so uncomfortable to look at a blank page and not know where to start. And you also talk about accessing a half-conscious state through your morning writing, right? A place where that deeper truth, as you mentioned, emerges. Um, I I too sit in the quiet at the very, very early, now earlier than I would like. Um, hours of the wee morning to just sit in the quiet and sit with it and write. And there's no agenda. Um, but I'm wondering, midlife often brings a shift from doing to listening to being in that space. And I'm wondering what that quiet space helped you to hear about yourself, yourself. Uh, just maybe you can pull out a little bit of nuggets there for us. What did you hear when you sat in that space?

Reframing Grief As Joy

Speaker 17:38

So, particularly when working on this book, I was highly influenced by spending a lot of time outdoors because of lockdown. One of the only things that I was doing was going for walks outside. I live in Southern California, and it's really beautiful. And having access to places on foot that normally in Southern California you would never be able to walk, I was able to see and appreciate this beautiful nature. And I don't know if you remember how clear the skies were. I mean, not having any pollution meant that the skies were this, you know, crystal clear electric blue and the flowering trees and plants and the vistas. We could see the ocean, we could see mountains. It was just extraordinary. So I was really flooded with those images. And I don't know how to explain this better than just how it was. I would wake up every morning and just have this sense of today I am a palm tree. And then I would think about the elements of a palm tree and where they aligned with things that I was thinking and experiencing. And it just kept going day after day after day. I would have these different sort of almost um auditory kind of visions that I would just hear things that I would write down. And I I felt like a lot of it was just channeling something that it wasn't very conscious writing. I I talk about the introduction and the conclusion were like post-coffee writing, which were very intellectual and more academic kind of writing. The poetry was really in this very fuzzy state where I was more just letting things flow through me. And some of it was complete garbage, and some of it turned out to be really special to me. So it there was a little bit of eddying in that as well. But it I do think that that is a very special state of mind to be in, and when one can be relaxed and calm and tap into it. I don't know where it all comes from, but but it but one can learn things about themselves that is maybe a bit less varnished than other times of the day. Yeah.

Speaker 2 20:16

And I think you, you know, you mentioned joy. Um I think that it can bring joy. You know it brings a little bit of that quiet peace and joy to the day when you can enter that creative space versus that intellectual doing space. Yeah. And I imagine that there's probably studies done somewhere that can attest to the dopamine rush maybe that we get um when we do that. But um I love that. And you mentioned imagining yourself as as the palm tree as you were on your walks. Can you talk a little bit about the metaphors in your book? As Kim, you said your favorite was which one?

Speaker 1 21:01

My favorite um was the black eyed Susan rising through the concrete.

Speaker 2 21:06

Yeah, because I think that we could use I I love metaphors and I think that we can use metaphors um to help other women feel like those emotional archetypes, right? That women move through in midlife.

Broadening Loss And Choosing Joy

Speaker 21:18

So can you talk a little bit about your I'll first I'll read the poem because it's I think it's relevant to what I was grappling with at least to a certain degree at that time. So it's called Palm I'm a skinny palm on the cliff's edge heavy winds beating on me day after day pushing me to their will bending flexing enduring I am marveled at for the shape that I take on arched and distorted tired I'm sorry arched and contorted distorted by the tireless assault so that you know vision of you know the tree that is you know sort of perched out there and I and I was experiencing some of that of just everything coming at me and this sense of maybe I need to let maybe I need to get out of this situation where um it just is constantly pushing me and maybe that's not maybe that's not best for me. So um and then I'll I can I'll read the I I also like the the black eyed susan I I think of it as my sort of girl power poem. Let's see where it's oh well now you have to read it I know it's my favorite okay so it's called Black Eyed Susan. Oh really you thought that you could keep me down by covering me with inches of concrete I will crack your confidence and rise up right through the middle of your nonsense.

Speaker 2 22:54

I love that it's this is the art so oh the art is just spectacular good I know now we're gonna just have to get the book for the art but I do love metaphors.

Speaker 1 23:06

Oh the poem yeah hey for our listeners she's showing us pictures from her book which if you go over over to our YouTube channel you'll be able to see it but this the art in this is just beautiful just beautiful um so many women describe midlife as a burning down of what no longer fits for them and in your poem Scorched which maybe you can read that you describe the collapse and then the smallest green sprout of renewal which is kind of what I think about the black eyed Susan right pushing up but what green sprouts moments do you see women overlooking in the chaos of their midlife transitions.

New Art, New Poems, New Perspective

Speaker 23:45

Well the great thing about being a woman is that you're incredibly resourceful right and that you've got these experiences and talents and this I think it's sort of nonsense that men say that women can't or that people can't you know multitask. I I just think that's baloney. We multitask all the time and so um so so women are have all of this ability and I think sometimes culturally we get boxed in and are limited or told that we can't do things and particularly you know the stage we're at where our kids are you know upward and or almost out of the house um we're freed up and to be able to look inside ourselves and say well what do I want and what could I do? And to be able to stay curious and open and willing to try things those are the best green sprouts to me. I mean I'm I'm trying a whole bunch of things these days I just did glass blowing and I'm trying to do all these fun things that I never had time to do when I was doing more corporate stuff. And I love it.

Speaker 2 24:55

It's really fun I mean I'm not going to be a glass blower but I who knows or had a great time a poem writer either we hear that a lot though I mean when with our podcast casts we hear um women in midlife just trying new things and or either trying brand new things like that or they're going back to their childhood right asking themselves what did I enjoy when I was a young girl or when I was in my 20s what did I used to do and finding their way back to that person. Yeah kind of a coming home I think is what our last guest um described it as and it can be really fun and powerful empowering right for us to do that. Yeah.

Becoming A Writer From Scratch

Speaker 25:43

Well and to take you know I'm still advising small companies and so to be able to just take on the projects for me that I really love and I feel passionate either I particularly love the founder and their vision or the product I think is particularly interesting or whatever it is, it's to be able to take my experiences I'm on the board of two nonprofits feeding San Diego, which needless to say with all the SNAP issues this year has been very um important and value. Yeah it feels good to be involved with something like that. And then I'm also now on the board of an organization called Empowered Endings, the Empowered Endings Foundation and they do support and care for caregivers around the end of life. So making sure that you know both practitioners nurses hospice death duals physicians and family members that they have good resources and education and so you know to be able to be able to use the things that I have done and you know your listeners have done many many years of cool and important things and then to be able to go okay now got these skills in my toolbox how am I gonna make the world better? How am I gonna improve my community? How am I gonna give back I think that that's such an important and fun way to find meaning and it feels so good.

Speaker 2 27:15

And so that yeah I completely agree. It can it can be fun and this is the message that we send all the time that midlife is not a death sentence midlife is actually a wonderful time in our lives where we get to redefine we need to come we get to come home we have more time for ourselves um and it can be really really exciting. And and I love what you're doing. I can't wait to get my hands on the book and read all of the poems because I'm a very visual person as the audience knows by now um we we're running out of time but we did start the podcast by talking about um the introduction in your book. So I want to come to the epilogue that you wrote in your book one unexpected gift of loss is clarity. And midlife often delivers that same clarity but sometimes it can deliver it in a painful way and I'm wondering what clarity this chapter of your life gives you that you might not have seen otherwise.

Speaker 28:22

Certainly with the loss of my sister the notion that isn't so surprising is life is short and you don't know and she died so suddenly at 46. And therefore it's this don't put things off if there's something that one wants to do you know be it a you know project or work-wise or travel or writing a book that that this is a really important time to be doing it and to be leaving behind whatever it is that we all want to leave behind and have and have the the sort of meaning and beauty that is associated with that kind of life. I think that's where we we really do find our joy.

Morning Pages And Creative Flow

Speaker 2 29:10

We don't know how long our runway is do we and it it's time for us to take back it's time to take care of ourselves it's time to come home find joy love that you mentioned that um it's just time I guess we'll leave it there.

Speaker 29:29

It's just time yeah your final lines of your book say grow wild bloom bright listen carefully it feels like that's a prescription right what you know what are you gonna do in midlife where where did those words come from and what does that mean to you so in writing the book I felt like I well I I started out by saying let's go walk through the garden of my imagination and so it sort of ends the walk by with something a little bit poetic that brings it back to this notion of you know do what you want to do be be yourself be be that bright wildflower be everything that you possibly can be and and don't forget and listen to yourself listen to the to the universe and do it now and so that's my hope for people is that they feel more comfortable taking the kinds of risks that we all have to take to really be ourselves and shine as big and bright as we can and that we are wise enough to listen to ourselves to do it.

Speaker 2 30:51

That's beautiful it is beautiful and I we always ask our guests the very last question what the best piece of advice you've ever received I feel like that could be best best piece of advice I've I've received this week.

Nature Visions And Channeling

Speaker 31:04

So um but we will ask you the reverse what is the best piece of advice you have ever received I think that the best piece of advice was from a friend of mine in high school who introduced me to this notion of taking care of my body and um which sounds so funny but I think when you're a teenager you're not necessarily thinking about these things. And she got me on a really good path that we have this one body to take care of this one sort of spirit and soul and and to put our time and energy into it. And I'm really grateful that I'm sure she has no idea that she had that kind of impact but it really changed how I thought about things and I think the notion of self-care is so critical because if one can take care of themselves then they are in the position to both express themselves but also take care of others and give back and that's really important for resilience and making meaning and beautiful I also think it's timely right as you start thinking about what's what are your intentions for next year and how are you going to move into the new year and what does that look like really taking care of who you are body mind and soul um that's a beautiful way to to end this it's like I think this might be our last podcast recording this year.

Speaker 2 32:34

Yeah I think it's a great way to end the year. So this is fantastic.

Speaker 1 32:38

We call it radical self-care um so and not you know going to the spa for a week although that sounds really great um but really taking care of yourself and the time is a day out cut a habit is so yeah yeah yeah because we matter we matter and we're worthy so we have this one precious life exactly Lang what a joy thank you so much for bringing your wisdom your experience your you know your spirit and mind to this work um I think it's beautiful and we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us today.

Speaker 33:18

Thank you Lang you and thank you for what you're doing. It's great for all of us women to be getting your insights so appreciate it.

Speaker 2 33:25

Thank you. Yeah thank you so much and listeners until we meet again that's a wrap go find joy in the journey. Take care thank you for listening to the Medovia Menopause podcast. If you enjoyed today's show please give it a thumbs up subscribe for future episodes leave a review and share this episode with a friend. Modovia is out to change the narrative learn more at medovia.com that's M I D O V I A dot com