Ep.9 Parenting, Resilience, and Leadership Lessons from the Cockpit with Jeremy Stoker

Have you ever felt trapped in a cycle of resentment and negativity, unsure how to break free and move forward?

In this episode of the TRUE Wellness Podcast, Dr. Dee welcomes Jeremy Stoker, an airline captain with nearly 30 years of experience and the founder of the Raising Great Fathers program. Jeremy shares his inspiring journey of overcoming adversity, finding gratitude, and developing tools to build meaningful relationships with family and others. Drawing on lessons from the cockpit, Jeremy reveals how principles like communication, curiosity, and taking control can transform not just how you navigate challenges but also how you thrive in everyday life.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• The Three Principles of Flying Applied to Life:

Jeremy explains the aviation principles of Aviate, Navigate, Communicate and how they serve as a roadmap for managing life's challenges, from staying calm in emergencies to resolving conflicts and building stronger relationships.

• The Power of Gratitude:

Learn how embracing gratitude—even in difficult moments—can shift your perspective, uncover resources you didn’t realize you had, and help you move past resentment and bitterness.

• Raising Resilient Sons:

Discover the importance of teaching boys emotional durability and self-reliance through mentorship, curiosity, and accountability. Jeremy shares actionable tips for fostering gratitude, communication, and decision-making skills in young men.

• Navigating Stress and Anxiety:

Understand how unchecked stress can spiral into physical and emotional overwhelm—and how simple steps like “standing by” and staying grounded can help you regain control and clarity.

• The Key to Better Communication:

Jeremy shares insights on the importance of concise, clear communication and how avoiding drama and focusing on curiosity can transform family dynamics and relationships.

Download your FREE TRUE Wellness Checklist here: https://go.drdee.com/checklist

Thanks for listening to TRUE Wellness with Dr. Dee, where we’re redefining health and empowering change. Hosted by Dr. Dee, creator of the T.R.U.E. Wellness Framework, this podcast brings you expert insights, inspiring stories, and actionable strategies to help you thrive.

Subscribe, share, and join the conversation! Visit www.drdee.com to learn more, and follow us on social media for more wellness inspiration.
Instagram: dr.dee.phd
Facebook: dr.dee.z.phd
YouTube: @dr.deephd
LinkedIn: drdeezanzarovphd
TikTok: @dr.dee.phd
Website: www.drdee.com

Want to watch the full interview? Watch here: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.deephd

🎙️ Your journey to true wellness starts now!

Transcript

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:30:12

Unknown

Welcome to True Wellness with Dr. Dee The podcast where we explore what it takes to live with vitality, balance and purpose. I am Dr. Dee and each week I'll bring you powerful tools, inspiring stories, and expert insights to help you thrive in every area of your life. From health and wellness to mindset and navigating life's challenges, this podcast is your guide to creating a life of true well-being.

00:00:30:14 - 00:00:34:00

Unknown

Let's get started.

00:00:34:00 - 00:01:03:07

Unknown

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of True Wellness with Dr. Dee. I bet you're all wondering what on earth does flying an airplane have to do with your health and wellness? And we're going to put that together for you today because I promise you it does. I am pleased to welcome Captain Jeremy Stoker, who is joining us today, and going to share with us how we navigate.

00:01:03:07 - 00:01:30:03

Unknown

So I don't know how many of you are moms with sons out there, or how many of you are in relationships in general with other people. That makes everybody. And we are going to talk about how we actually navigate those relationships and how we can make our lives easier, smoother, calmer, less stressed all the things that improve our wellness by taking those lessons that come from the cockpit.

00:01:30:03 - 00:01:53:11

Unknown

So welcome, Jeremy. Thank you. Thanks for inviting me to do this. This is exciting. Yeah. I'm curious how to put this together. Assemble. It's not just a conversation. Right? You guys? Yeah. You're all listening in, and I know there's lots of tips and tricks and things that you'll glean from from today's episode. So I know Jeremy.

00:01:53:13 - 00:02:27:23

Unknown

So, first of all, Jeremy has a company that works with teenage boys, and I know that because my boys are in his program. For those of you who don't know, I have two teenage sons. And when I learned about Jeremy's program, I was like, I want my boys in there. Because not only is it about providing them with a good role model and providing them the opportunity to navigate their own lives in their own way, but it's really about what I know.

00:02:27:23 - 00:03:05:07

Unknown

Jeremy, to stand for, and that is that love, that connection, that authenticity. There really is about bringing families together, opening up those communication pathways. All of these things are really important. I mean, Jeremy, I want you to share with us. You know, I've heard your TEDx talk, and I know that you've got just from being a pilot, you've come across with this methodology that helps us all remember how we can actually get through tough situations, not just our teenage boys, but all of us as adults.

00:03:05:07 - 00:03:29:04

Unknown

Right? Because, I mean, there's no shortage of tough events that occur in life. No, they seem to never end. The rollercoaster, the good, the bad, the ugly, all of that put together. Yeah. Yeah. In my ten, I discuss the three principles that we used to fly airplanes. The first one was Aviate. That means we're going to take control of the airplane.

00:03:29:04 - 00:03:48:20

Unknown

We're going to make sure we're watching that airplane above all other else, we're not getting distracted. The next thing is to navigate. We gotta know where we are, where we're going, and how we're going to safely get there. And then the last thing we focus on is communication, which is sharing the right information with the right people at the right time.

00:03:48:22 - 00:04:08:22

Unknown

And, we do that all day, every day while we're just flying the plane on a normal, beautiful day. But when it really kicks in, is when we're having emergencies. And I've handled dozens, literally dozens of emergency situations. Now, I've been flying planes for 30 years. 10,000 hours. Oh my gosh. Stuff happened. And most of the time, you know, passengers in the back.

00:04:08:22 - 00:04:23:11

Unknown

I want to scare anyone. But, you know, stuff happens fast. They never know. We don't need to tell you. Hey, we're dealing with an emergency up here. Put down your books and screenplays. But that doesn't help anybody. We're just dealing with an emergency. We land safely, we get to the gate, everyone gets off, and then we fill out a report and explain what happened.

00:04:23:13 - 00:04:44:08

Unknown

So. And it's not com I don't want to think like, oh, emergencies are always happening. But when they do happen on those rare occasions we use these three principles: Aviate , navigate and communicate in those precise orders. Those are our priorities. I love that I know every time I get on a plane I'm always like, Is Jeremy in the cockpit?

00:04:44:12 - 00:05:09:14

Unknown

Is he blocking the airplane? I just blew a friend of mine out to San Antonio just a couple weeks ago, so you never know. That's funny. I haven't seen you yet, but let's talk a little bit more about that, because I think especially in today's world and society, we've gotten so wrapped up in being distracted by all sorts of things.

00:05:09:14 - 00:05:52:09

Unknown

We've forgotten how to connect with human beings. And I find so often that even small things in life, for some people, have come to the point where they create such anxiety and feel so unmanageable that they end up, you know, working themselves into this anxiety or even panic pattern. You know, when I have clients who talk about these things all the time, they'll come in and there's like this thing, whatever that thing is for them, whether it's a relationship or something that's happening in their lives and they almost feel trapped by what's occurring.

00:05:52:11 - 00:06:12:23

Unknown

Yeah. Been there. I felt that. I completely understand that. I don't want anyone to think like, oh, he's a pilot. He's always calm and things always go right. No, these things happen. We're really good at staying calm in those critical moments. But that doesn't mean, in everyday life, I don't experience anxiety. I'm married. Adrian, you know, 23 years.

00:06:13:00 - 00:06:38:06

Unknown

I'm married now. Three kids, got a mortgage, got three cars, got, you know, stuff happened. And, you know, I've had health problems. I've had a major back surgery. Yeah, there's anxiety and stuff in there. The peak of my anxiety. When I would dare say I was depressed and and go and see anyone get, like, clinically diagnosed is depressed, but I, I was depressed.

00:06:38:08 - 00:07:00:13

Unknown

I didn't want to do anything. And it was, about two years out of college. I have had this dream to become a pilot ever since I was seven years old. I've been pursuing that dream. I went to the world renowned aviation university, got my pilot training, and then 911 happened. Yeah. And everything just came to a grinding stop.

00:07:00:15 - 00:07:24:05

Unknown

And I was angry, and I was bitter, and this isn't fair. I've done everything right, and there's no pilot jobs out there. And so I sell cars. I'm selling cell phones. I work at Target, I clean pools, I do all these just menial jobs, each one getting worse and worse and worse as I feel worse and worse about myself, as that anxiety builds as depression builds.

00:07:24:07 - 00:07:39:16

Unknown

You know, I'm not even good enough to be a car salesman. Like these guys are better. Me, I should quit. So I quit that, and then I went to my next job. Well, you know, these guys are selling more cell phones to me, so I can't even do this, right? I need to find another job. So I end up doing night stock at Target.

00:07:39:18 - 00:08:01:14

Unknown

And that's a pretty dark place for a guy with $150,000 in student loans, debt, and a commercial pilot license to be working next to some people. Didn't even graduate from high school. Yes. And you feel like these are my peers. So anxiety was up to here. Depression was up to here. And then I came across an infomercial from Tony Robbins.

00:08:01:16 - 00:08:26:11

Unknown

Okay. Yeah. This is where it gets kind of silly. I'm watching that infomercial. He has this, get the life bird net. I get life. I forget the name of it. Now. Anyway, here's this program. Get the edge. I'm sorry. Get the edge program. And just bombarded with these midnight, three M infomercials. And I'm working nights, like, on target.

00:08:26:11 - 00:08:45:18

Unknown

So my days off are actually nights off. So I'm watching TV, and I'm watching his infomercial over and over and over again, and I'm watching it to make fun of the people that think that this program is going to fix their life. And I'm literally mocking them in my mind, sometimes out loud, alone as my wife sleeps in another room, like these stupid people, they'll believe and do anything.

00:08:45:18 - 00:09:12:17

Unknown

But for some reason, I keep watching it over and over until I finally order it. Pro watch the commercial 20 times. And one of the first things Tony says when you get started, the program is, you got to get grateful. And when he said that, I was like, screw you, Tony. Yeah. Screw you. Because just prior to this, my mom had passed away from cancer.

00:09:12:19 - 00:09:23:08

Unknown

Okay, so I got this loan debt, working night stock at Target next to people who don't have a high school degree. And my mom.

00:09:23:10 - 00:09:43:11

Unknown

Spent the previous five years fighting pancreatic cancer, which, as you know, is not not that there's a nice cancer, but that one's a super painful, aggressive one. She didn't go out in a good way. It was a very slow, painful death for her. Yeah. So I'm very angry and bitter and resentful. Yeah. And then she says, get grateful.

00:09:43:12 - 00:10:05:07

Unknown

And I'm like, screw you. Am I getting grateful? I get nothing to be grateful for. And, listening to them listen to a CD. I remember when we had CDs and he says, it really puts me in my spot. You know, I'm not even. He's not even there. I'm like, Holy cow. He's like, come on, there's always something to be grateful for.

00:10:05:07 - 00:10:30:02

Unknown

No matter how bad it is. There's always something to be grateful for. I'm like, wow, he literally just called me out. And the first thing that came to my mind was. The sunshine. There's an emptiness of time. I grew up in Seattle, and, like, I'm grateful for the sunshine. Yes. That's it. Like, that's all I could be grateful for that day.

00:10:30:04 - 00:10:54:05

Unknown

Like. Fine. I found something. And then, you know, I felt the hot phoenix sun on my face, and I kind of looked up at it and closed my eyes and felt that heat and I just felt this rush of gratitude come over me at that moment. And I'm grateful for my mom, grateful for my wife? Yes. Grateful for that stupid yellow lab.

00:10:54:07 - 00:11:09:06

Unknown

Just always happy to see me when I come home. Zeke is a great dog and I'm grateful for my dad, who is still alive in the time I do have with him. And I'm grateful for the time I did have with my mom. I'm only 26 years old. I've lost my mom like that. Doesn't seem fair. I never get to meet my kids.

00:11:09:06 - 00:11:31:03

Unknown

She's barely met my wife. In fact, that was her goal. When she was diagnosed, the second time with cancer. She's like, I just want to make it to your wedding, Jeremy. I just want to make this the instrumental wedding and died a few months after that. So, I'm grateful for my college degree and that I have a pilot license and all these things with her to be grateful for.

00:11:31:03 - 00:11:53:10

Unknown

And I realized I got pretty good. Yeah. And all of a sudden, the resentment and bitterness, I realized that those were like blinders, that I wasn't seeing the good stuff. And it wasn't just like, hey, it's great to know your good stuff. But now I'm realizing I have a lot of resources. Yeah, I have a college degree.

00:11:53:12 - 00:12:14:01

Unknown

I am a good pilot. I have a wonderful wife who supports me, and I quit that night. It wasn't like, let me think about that. Like, I quit that night. And I began researching a little small pilot school throughout the Phoenix area and visiting them the next day until I found one that seemed like a good fit.

00:12:14:06 - 00:12:41:10

Unknown

They were relatively affordable. I was doing my pilot training. You know, I'd been flying for a couple years. I'd get back up to speed and, again, Pilot industries are really slow at that point. Couple of years after nine, 11 and they can offer me a pilot job, but they said, hey, you want to answer the phone at the front desk well below what I'm qualified for, well below, you know, I'm I have this degree from this prestigious university and this training from this prestigious university.

00:12:41:12 - 00:13:02:02

Unknown

No one else in this building, these other 12 employees have that. Not even the chief pilot was as prestigious, Lee was educated as I am. And yet what he said would you like to do? So I'm like, yeah, thank you. Absolutely. And the ironic thing is, I was making the same money answering that phone that I was making a target of eight bucks an hour.

00:13:02:04 - 00:13:27:13

Unknown

Yes. And I was grateful for that job. And I did that job to the best of my ability and showed up on time, stayed late, did extra stuff. And then when a pilot job did come up, they're like, Jeremy, we want to offer you a pilot job. And I took it. And then from there, when I'm buying small jets, the regional airline flew private jets, and now I'm at a major airline, y'know, you know, 200 pasture airplanes.

00:13:27:15 - 00:14:02:06

Unknown

Yeah. And it all goes back to that moment when I decided to be grateful. And that's when the anxiety, that's when the depression didn't go away. But we hit bottom and we started to climb our way up. And I started to see the resources that were around me. Yeah, I love that. And I love something that you said. You said it was the resentment and the bitterness that were like blinders, because you think about how many times in our lives we feel like we're just stuck in this little hole.

00:14:02:08 - 00:14:29:09

Unknown

And we do. We get bitter, we get resentful, and it literally limits for us what is then possible. Right? That's it. It feeds into itself all the way down that negative, that negative spiraling vortex into you all the way to the bottom, to the depths of to the depths of the earth. It's endless. The things we can then justify like, well, I don't need to get out of bed or I don't need to eat, right, I don't need it.

00:14:29:09 - 00:14:47:08

Unknown

And all these things that just make us more depressed. Yes. And like you said, it becomes a spiraling thing because we don't even want to look at the good things. Because if I look at the good things, then I have to look at myself and realize I'm not grabbing that good thing and using that good thing. Yeah.

00:14:47:08 - 00:15:08:17

Unknown

And when you're depressed, the last thing you want to do is look at yourself. But that is the first thing that's going to change anything. Yeah I love that. And you know, it puts it on. It puts that responsibility back on us. Like we can no longer say, okay, I am a victim of the circumstances in my life.

00:15:08:19 - 00:15:33:07

Unknown

But it's like, okay, well, yeah, the circumstances have happened. Here we are. And you've got everything you need to work your way out of it. It's like, what's that switch? What's that that's going to change that and what I, what I hear for you, which I find to be universally across the board, is gratitude. We can start to find those things to be grateful for.

00:15:33:12 - 00:15:52:09

Unknown

It's like you explain like it's like this was, you know, if you can just grab on to that little thread of gratitude and start yanking on, that's like the rest of it just showers down on us and you're like, oh, well, like, look at all this stuff that I. That I have to be grateful for. Like, wow. Yeah.

00:15:52:11 - 00:16:16:02

Unknown

And this is gonna sound awful, but I was angry at Osama bin laden. That's like, that's the level of enemy I had in my life. Like, this guy that perpetrated the worst mass killing in American history on US soil. Like, that was my enemy. Like, how could I possibly fight that guy? Right? But I wasn't fighting that guy.

00:16:16:05 - 00:16:31:14

Unknown

But that was the thing in my head, like, well, if he hadn't done that, then I wouldn't be in this completely different situation and blow. My life would all be better. Osama bin laden or oh yeah, if anyone had a huge enemy that had to, you know, that I could point at and fight out like, that's the guy.

00:16:31:14 - 00:17:05:16

Unknown

But that wasn't my enemy. My enemy was my own resentfulness and gratitude and lack of wanting to change. It was me. I was my enemy. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's really powerful because think about how many of us and I'm sure a lot of our listeners are, have have experienced this or may even be in this situation now where, yeah, it's like we've got all these gripes about everything else outside of us, literally, that we don't have much control over.

00:17:05:16 - 00:17:31:03

Unknown

I mean, look at politics these days. Yeah. Oh yeah. You hear it all day, every day. Yeah. But we look at these things and yeah, it does. Like, we can just fall into the pattern where it's like our scapegoat. Right? And then we don't have to take the personal responsibility for the things that we have in our lives, that we can have some control over the changes that we can actually make.

00:17:31:03 - 00:17:52:11

Unknown

It's kind of like what you said, right? Like getting back in control. Stop blaming everybody and everything else, right. And then navigate. So figure out where you're wanting to go. It's what you said, right? I'll let you know where we go from there. How do we take that? Because what you just said falls right into that.

00:17:52:13 - 00:18:12:01

Unknown

Yeah. I mean, again, aviators are specifically when the plane is having an emergency situation to have lost an engine or I've lost my screens or, you know, I got some red light flashing. The first thing is to put my hands on the control air point. Yeah. And I make sure the plane is safe and it's not. It's. And we do that because, in the past, we learned this the hard way.

00:18:12:01 - 00:18:35:10

Unknown

And, unfortunately, in aviation, we have a term, it's called tombstone training. We learned because people die. And one, one thing they noticed in aviation over and over again when there was an emergency, the pilots would go, oh, let me focus on this emergency. And no one was flying the plane. And the plane would very slowly, gently lose control.

00:18:35:10 - 00:18:57:12

Unknown

I could fly into a mountain. It could crash in the ground. Right. Stall, you know, stop. The wind is not going over the wings fast enough to keep it in the air. And it's called a stall, and the plane just drops out. There's all these distractions that keep us from flying the plane. And in our lives, we have that same problem, whether it's social media or some of these are good distractions.

00:18:57:12 - 00:19:12:23

Unknown

Like, you know, social media is great as I stay connected with my friends and family and I see what's in their life. So when I bump into a friend, I'm like, hey, how's Kelly doing? I see she's doing great. A cheer like, that's fun. That's great. Yes. But it can't be a distraction from what we should be doing as well.

00:19:13:00 - 00:19:32:21

Unknown

And then there's the other distractions, like, oh, politics. Oh, well, if that person had won the election, like, my life would be better. If that person hadn't won the election, my life would be better if inflation was this instead of that, and we would be doing so well. You can't control that. So focus on what you can control and not get distracted with all the red flashing lights.

00:19:32:23 - 00:20:01:00

Unknown

Okay, we got inflation. We got this person like what can't I do in my family, in my community to make the situation better? Yeah. Yeah exactly. Exactly. And then the communication piece too is really important. And I think that the other thing that I mean, I know you work a lot with parents and young men and, and and boys and I'm sure that that's a really big piece.

00:20:01:02 - 00:20:23:13

Unknown

Right. That whole communication piece, communicating is probably the most difficult thing of all. Even from a pilot aspect between me and my wife, I can't tell you how many times I like it, but I said I was going to do this. And she's like, no, you didn't, but I let you say, and and that she, you know how many times we had that conversation of, yeah, it's had a yes or it's something very similar.

00:20:23:15 - 00:20:46:22

Unknown

I can't remember what it was, but it was one of those, like I said, I was going to do it. She's like, no, you did. I'm like, I'm doing it today. It's like this awkward conversation we have, between spouses. All right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, like it's normal. It's fine. Like, that's like we sort that out and then, you know, I got two teenage girls and talked about communication problems, like, I've never been a teenage girl trying to talk their language.

00:20:46:22 - 00:21:02:05

Unknown

And they're saying stuff like raise and skip it. And I don't even know these weird words that kids say these days, and I don't know those words either. Yeah. It's like this new catchphrase, I don't know. I think it's starting to fade now because I hear Mom and dad use it and, you know, the coolness of it is ending as soon as you hear it.

00:21:02:05 - 00:21:27:00

Unknown

Mom said they will be fading quickly. So yeah, communication is hard. In the family as pilots, we communicate very precisely. We say exactly what we need to say and nothing else, and we say it very clearly and succinctly. I'm sure we've all heard the radio pilot say nine was like, why do you. Why don't you say nine?

00:21:27:00 - 00:22:02:12

Unknown

What do you say? Niner over. Radio nine and five sound very, very similar. So someone very smart came up with the phrase niner. So it's 12345678 niner. And we never say 1011, 12, 1314. It's always 111213 to eliminate any confusion. It's all about being very, very precise. And again, we don't say more than we have to say. It's just that short little phrase most radio communications between me and other pilots or me or over, air traffic control.

00:22:02:14 - 00:22:20:23

Unknown

It's three seconds. That's about it. Yeah. And that's again, that's on purpose. So you don't overload someone with so much information that they're like, wait, what do you say now you got to repeat it. And what? Like I'll do three seconds. They respond, not three seconds. We break it up. That communication needs to be so precise is critical.

00:22:20:23 - 00:22:45:21

Unknown

It's life threatening information we're giving back and forth to each other. Yeah. And think about that because that applies to us in life in general when we're communicating with other people, because sometimes we end up going off and putting in a lot of time. It's drama that we're putting around our communications or it's opinions that we're putting around our communications that then impact our relationships.

00:22:45:23 - 00:23:08:12

Unknown

Sometimes not in the greatest of ways. What's the oh, I forget who said it. But they had written in a letter, sorry I wrote you this long letter, but I didn't have the time to make it. And I see those between Jefferson and Adams. I could be mistaken, but, yeah, I don't remember. But it really puts it into perspective.

00:23:08:12 - 00:23:29:03

Unknown

Yeah. For us to kind of boil down, what is that? That clears the message that we want to actually communicate so that we're getting to the heart of whatever, you know, let's say it's a conflict that we're having. So we're getting into the conflict, leaving out the drama. It does take a little bit. It takes some extra time.

00:23:29:03 - 00:23:51:21

Unknown

It takes up stepping away. It takes us like honing in on, okay, well, what is it exactly that I want? Or what exactly is it that I want to communicate? Yeah. When I'm working with parents, their son's communication is like again, that's the third thing we want to focus on. It is very critical. But it's the third thing, but in our instincts it's the first thing we want to do.

00:23:51:23 - 00:24:10:02

Unknown

You know, your son's in trouble. He walks through the door, you're like, something isn't right. You know, he did something. I'd say he broke curfew. You said you need to be home at 11, and he rolls in at 1145. And the first thing you want to do is start yelling and screaming at him. Absolutely. Yeah. And that doesn't save the peace, does it?

00:24:10:04 - 00:24:26:10

Unknown

No. And what, what you also do is a lot of times what I hear parents doing and I'm guilty of it as well as you don't just bring up that you bring up like seven other things, and you then take out the trash before you left. Yeah. And you're supposed to help your sister with your homework before you leave.

00:24:26:10 - 00:24:44:12

Unknown

And you didn't do that. And then yesterday you were late then too. And you bring up blah, blah, blah, and you dump all this information onto your son. It's information. I mean, you boil it down to all this is information and they're going to be quickly overwhelmed. And what do we do when we get overwhelmed? And we get very, very defensive.

00:24:44:14 - 00:25:02:10

Unknown

Yeah. And defensiveness leads to anger. And now you're like, well, I don't even know why you're arguing with me. Do. And yet you came at him with all this information and this tone, like, what else are you supposed to do, cower in the corner, start crying. Like, is that the reaction you want? Yeah. How about when he walks through the door?

00:25:02:10 - 00:25:05:09

Unknown

We go, hey.

00:25:05:11 - 00:25:28:04

Unknown

What's going on? That's a certain question. Does he even know he's late? Maybe he thought it was midnight and it's 11. Maybe it's just a miscommunication. Hey, what's going on? Oh nothing like. Oh okay. He doesn't know he's late. He doesn't know where we could avoid this whole huge argument just by that question right there. Hey, what's going on?

00:25:28:06 - 00:25:46:10

Unknown

Oh nothing. Okay. Well curfew is 11 and it's 45. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, okay. Well, we need to communicate better. Okay, let's let's resolve that. We solve the problem right there. We don't need to bring up the homework. You don't need to bring up the chores. Don't need to bring up. We don't need to have an interior to want to have this huge argument.

00:25:46:10 - 00:26:07:15

Unknown

Let's just start with a little curiosity and some clear, concise communication. And if you think he's lying to you, well, then that's a whole nother argument. Oh well, you told me 11, but I'm going to say 12 and we try to get out of this. Well that's a different conversation. But let's start with some, some clear, concise communication and just some curiosity, like it's supposed to be 11.

00:26:07:17 - 00:26:34:13

Unknown

Yeah. And we nip it in the bud right there. Yeah. Yeah, I love that because it's so easy for us to know, some of it comes from our assumptions. Some of it comes from us, you know, finding everything we can to make the other person wrong. Essentially right. Like building up that evidence and support. So we're justified in our anger and our upset.

00:26:34:15 - 00:26:51:23

Unknown

But, you know, I was just thinking, as you were saying it, you think about what we do. Like you say, it's like if we throw all that anger, what do you expect is going to happen? The person becomes defensive and then there's some sort of consequence to that. If we take that, we really need to get back to our health.

00:26:51:24 - 00:27:21:04

Unknown

It's no different, right? If we bombard our body with toxicity, if we bombard our body with illness or injury or, you know, whatever is having a negative impact, like our body starts to act out the same way that we do, you know, if we are emotionally overwhelmed as well. It's so funny you mention that because it's weird how whenever I get super stressed things are going on at home, I get a lot of, you know, a rough trip.

00:27:21:04 - 00:27:43:04

Unknown

We hit a lot of weather, and I got a decent airplane and it's just been a tough trip. Maybe I had an emergency, I got home, I'm sick. Yeah, I got sick. It's the weirdest thing. And it's just like my body's just. Everything's all the energy, all the self-defense has been drained out because it's just been bombarded. And the next trip I'm probably calling in sick is I got some nasal infection, I got some ear infection.

00:27:43:04 - 00:28:03:17

Unknown

I can't fly with my ears plugged in with soap. Right. You know, and it's crazy how we all even predict with Adrian. I came home like, that was a rough trip. Probably getting sick. Oh, no. And after 30 years. And it's just just, you know, it's just the way it is because, like, as you say, when we're bombarded. And here's the other problem is when I have a rough trip like that, am I eating very well?

00:28:03:19 - 00:28:20:21

Unknown

No. I want those yummy comfort foods. Right? I put in toxins in my body, and it becomes that other kind of spiral that we're talking about earlier, where it's not emotional, but it's a physical spiral. I'm cheating on my workouts. I'm cheating on my diet. I'm starting to do all these other things. Could be stressors are building up.

00:28:20:23 - 00:28:43:00

Unknown

The things that would help me resist those stressors are the exact opposite things I'm doing. Like proper exercise and nutrition and drinking enough water and doing all those things that are difficult to do on the road as it is. Yeah. And then I think that that's really the problem is it's already difficult and I'm doing difficult things.

00:28:43:02 - 00:29:06:07

Unknown

And that's where the discipline needs to kick in. Yeah. Exactly. I love this. That could mean so if we take a step back right. A lot of stress that we experience in life. Right. We can go back to that whole personal responsibility thing like, okay, so how do we reduce our stress in our life?

00:29:06:09 - 00:29:35:24

Unknown

Well, we up the ante on our personal responsibility, right? We take all over those things, like you said, like your exercise and your diet. But we take control too, over our conversations. We take control over, you know, the little gremlin voices that go on in your head that are kind of making everything explode, right? Because then we end up in this cycle of stress and anxiety and panic and overwhelm and all of that just starts to run away.

00:29:36:01 - 00:30:01:04

Unknown

Yeah. And you know, that that's just like flying a plane in an emergency when one thing starts to go wrong, another thing goes wrong. It's never one thing that brings a plane down. They call it a chain of events. It's 10 to 12 things to make a plane crash. You know, I took a course on studying how planes crash in college, and if I remember right, was 10 to 12, links in the chain of events that will bring a plane down.

00:30:01:09 - 00:30:27:18

Unknown

If any one of those is broken, the plane is incorrect. Right. And that that perfectly links to health, both mental and physical. And that's something that I speak to the boys a lot about is having mental and physical durability. That's a phrase I use a lot with them is having that durability. I don't like the term mental health for these boys.

00:30:27:20 - 00:31:01:13

Unknown

It starts to sound like some sort of medical, like, oh, you're counseling me or you're a therapist, or like, I'm not a therapist, I'm a pilot. We have to have mental and physical durability because stuff happens and you have to be able to take it. Yeah, I love that when you talk about it. So just to reiterate, right, your work is really focused on helping these boys and helping families and helping them work through the stressors that come with young men growing up and, and, and how that impacts everybody around them and themselves.

00:31:01:15 - 00:31:30:14

Unknown

So we talk about mental durability. What are you training these boys in specifically? Right. Like how are you working with these boys to start to understand that mental durability piece? Because I think whether we're boys or whether we're girls or no matter who we are, we can take that context of what you're doing with those young men and have it be really relatable to all of us for all of life.

00:31:30:16 - 00:31:49:10

Unknown

Yeah. Well, the one of the first things I teach them is gratitude. You have to be grateful. You know, it's so easy for them to look at mom and dad. Mom and dad should be doing this for me. And they shouldn't have done this to me. And you know, if only I had what so-and-so had over there, you know, down the street or my friend or this kid that I know what school?

00:31:49:16 - 00:32:11:09

Unknown

I don't even know that well, but it looks like his life is better than mine. You don't really know. But they like we all like to make assumptions about other people. Right? And no, you can't control that about dude, about yourself. Like you can just control you. Let's start with some gratitude for what you do have because, as of now, all my boys that I work with are here in the United States.

00:32:11:09 - 00:32:31:11

Unknown

And my goodness, if you're in the United States, you want to be grateful for it. Yeah. What a wonderful, wonderful place to be born. How lucky are you? And it is pure luck. Yeah, it's pure luck. I didn't do anything to deserve to be born in America versus, you know, Somalia, right? Like it's pure luck. I'm just a lucky guy.

00:32:31:13 - 00:32:51:23

Unknown

And I was born into a wonderful family. That's luck. I'm grateful for that. I didn't do it. I didn't deserve it. I'm lucky and I'm grateful. And so we start with gratitude. Because, again, gratitude makes you aware of your resources. And as soon as you're aware of your resources, when things start to hit you, you have that durability.

00:32:51:23 - 00:33:11:16

Unknown

I can lean on my mom as a resource, and that's what I talk to moms and dads like when your son comes to you with a problem, let's not attack him, just not make him feel bad for it. Because guess what happens next? He starts hiding things, right? So when he comes at you with a problem, let's come out with the parts of that.

00:33:11:16 - 00:33:33:02

Unknown

Even if something bad, even if it's like, hey, you know, I got caught cheating at school on a test, okay, you know, that's not good. Let's figure out how to resolve this with the teacher. Let's get you some tutoring. Let's figure it out , let's solve this problem. And now we're creating that durability of like, oh, I had this problem, and I have people around me that can help me.

00:33:33:07 - 00:33:58:04

Unknown

There's four people. I tell these boys, or types of people I tell these boys to surround themselves with and implies everybody. Everyone needs a mentor, someone that's further down the path that you want to take. Everyone needs a coach, someone to hold you accountable for what you're doing. You need a trainer, someone that's trained specifically in trying to do the thing that you're trying to do, and they have a program for it.

00:33:58:06 - 00:34:11:09

Unknown

And then you need a team. You need people around you, peers around you that are on the same path, same level of you that you can go to. Like, I'm struggling with this or like I'm struggling with this too. Let's work together on this or I struggle with that. Last week and I figured out, this is what you got to do.

00:34:11:15 - 00:34:32:15

Unknown

The right. They're in the fight with you. And that creates that durability as well. And again it's its relationships. It's its resources. And when, boys when all of us feel like we have that group around us like we're unstoppable no matter what hits us like, oh, I'll talk to that person over there and they know someone.

00:34:32:17 - 00:34:56:08

Unknown

And then boom, I got that problem solved. Yeah, I love that too, because it's like every problem is solvable. We've just got to figure out how to solve that problem. And sometimes that means that we need to rely on others. We need to have community. We need to be able to tap into, like you said earlier, the resources.

00:34:56:10 - 00:35:18:01

Unknown

Yeah. And its greatest ChatGPT is and Google is like that's great. You need people. You need people. You need actual people that breathe air. Yes. In your life to give you some advice and some help and and even to support just to listen to you like I'm really struggling with this and wow, okay. Give you some compassionate time and solve problems.

00:35:18:03 - 00:35:38:02

Unknown

And one more thing that popped my mind when you said, you know, there's a solution to your problems. Every solution has a trade off. Yeah, every solution has a trade off. There's no perfect solution. And that's the thing that I see parents get stuck with or boys get stuck with. Well, here's a solution, but what about this?

00:35:38:02 - 00:35:58:14

Unknown

And this? I'm like, yeah, but wait against this over here. You know, this is solving the problem. Sure, there's still some other problems. Like, you know, he needs to go to bed earlier. Well, I don't want to have a big fight with him every single night. And. Okay, well, the trade off is you probably can have a little bit of a fight, a little bit of an argument with him for a while, but he's going to get more sleep.

00:35:58:15 - 00:36:14:02

Unknown

He's going to go to school better. He's going to feel better. He's going to ultimately be healthier. Well, I just don't wanna have that fight. Okay, well then he's going to be more tired. He's probably not going to eat as well. His grades are going to be like there's a trade off to every solution and quit looking for that perfect solution.

00:36:14:03 - 00:36:33:12

Unknown

Pick the best solution. Yeah. Progress not perfection. Yes. Oh my gosh. And that's so hard these days because we get to look online and we get to look at Instagram. Everyone's like oh well that person has this perfect little life. Clearly they figure it out. And like, we don't know that. We don't know what their problems are exactly.

00:36:33:17 - 00:36:51:17

Unknown

And with influencers, they portray that too, you know, like all influencers and like, oh, we just do this in this lesson and it all works out like, no, there's there's trade offs behind there that you're not talking about. Like, oh my life is perfect. Let's be real right? Nobody's perfect. We all have the things that we deal with.

00:36:51:17 - 00:37:15:14

Unknown

And that's why it's so important that we develop the skills that you are training us in essentially right now, so that we've got tools in our tool chest that allow us to, to go through life. Having just found that little extra bit of ease to reduce that stress and that overwhelm and that and that pressure. Now, I know Jeremy's a you work with boys and then you work with families.

00:37:15:17 - 00:37:48:04

Unknown

What would you say are some of the then the number one or what is the number one words of wisdom that you have for parents to help them reduce the stress of parenthood? Oh, that's a great question. The number one advice I give to parents is to get curious. I like to stop feeling like, you know what the right answer is, because you don't.

00:37:48:06 - 00:38:06:10

Unknown

Yes, you're right, the answer when you were 17 is not there. Right? Answer one of 17. Get curious. Ask him lots of questions. Don't project your expectations on them. You know, like, well, if you went to college, you could have this degree and you could do this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. You know, maybe that would be great.

00:38:06:12 - 00:38:21:14

Unknown

Get curious. Maybe colleges and the right thing for them. And that's a really hard thing for parents to realize that maybe my son's not going to go to college for whatever the thing is, or he's going to go to college. He wants to change degrees. Well, you know, we agreed you're going to be a doctor. Well, yeah, I kind of want to be a school teacher.

00:38:21:14 - 00:38:45:17

Unknown

I'm going to go into education. I get curious about why they're making those decisions. And you quickly realize there's some logic behind it that they're not as dumb as you think, they're not as immature as you think. And sometimes there's a lot of immaturity behind that, that you do need to get to, but you're never going to get to it if you stick your thumb on them like, no, you need to do this and this like, okay, let's yeah.

00:38:45:21 - 00:39:07:18

Unknown

One, one exercise I learned from, Ben Hardy, author of many, many great books. Yes. The seven wise. Yes. Why are you going to do that? Well, we're going to do this because of this. Well, why are you going to do that? You're gonna do that. And oftentimes you only need to get down like 2 or 3 before we get to the real reason someone is making a decision that they're making.

00:39:07:20 - 00:39:25:09

Unknown

Yeah. And that starts with curiosity. Like my daughter just just told us last week, like, she's not going to go to college. She's got accepted to college. And we talked to her about it, and she wanted to go on a mission for a church instead. So she's going to be living on a church mission for 18 months next October.

00:39:25:09 - 00:39:42:14

Unknown

She wants to start in September to go to college and then leave six weeks later, when she could leave six weeks later for this mission. Right. And she's like, if I go to college for you you know, I could have been a year into my mission by then, right? Oh, that makes sense. But me and Adrian were like, no, you go to college.

00:39:42:14 - 00:39:57:12

Unknown

College is the best thing for you. And then I'm like, okay, I got to take my own advice here. Why would you like to do that? Yeah, that's a very good answer. So I'm like, okay, that makes sense. And in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter one way or another? Yeah. Now she's going to be great.

00:39:57:12 - 00:40:27:02

Unknown

And it's her decision and she's 18. And time for me to start to let go a little bit. And both decisions are great. They're both great. Super proud of her either way. Yeah. Yeah. It's coming to that place I think as parents as, as part of their letting go. And then also looking at our children as you know as human beings, as people who are thinking and processing and have their own thoughts, opinions, feelings and, and all of that.

00:40:27:02 - 00:40:52:06

Unknown

I mean, once we get past that little, little toddler phase, they do become their own person. Sometimes in their toddler phase, they are their own person. I had one of those. Wow. Yeah. Nothing is more difficult than a toddler with an opinion. Yeah, there's no reasoning with that at all. Like this is what's happening.

00:40:52:08 - 00:40:58:19

Unknown

Nope. That brain takes over. There's no off switch. It just goes.

00:40:58:21 - 00:41:17:01

Unknown

But yeah, they are these kids, they need to grow up. They need to make these decisions. And, honestly, isn't that what we're trying to do is teach and how to make decisions. And part of making decisions is sometimes making some dumb decisions and being there to help clean up the mess, not clean up the mess, but help.

00:41:17:03 - 00:41:37:17

Unknown

Yeah. Right. Right. So they gotta go through their own experiences. I mean, that is in fact the name of your company, right? Raising great fathers. Yeah. We came to that fairly recently before the program was named Commander Life. And that's still the program. We put the boys through command of your life like, literally take command.

00:41:37:19 - 00:41:56:14

Unknown

Stop putting on everyone else to take charge of you. Yeah, man. Your life. But the overarching program is raising great fathers, and that's what we work with the parents on, because we want these boys to grow up and be great fathers. Yeah. There's so many times we talk to the boys are like, well, what do you want to do for a living?

00:41:56:20 - 00:42:22:14

Unknown

Like, who cares? Like that's great. My greatest accomplishment is flying airplanes. My greatest accomplishment is my children. Yes, yes. If I had to choose between my kids and my job, like, that's a no brainer, right? Exactly. Like, it's not even like, you know, a millisecond of hesitation. Right? And yet my whole life prior to being a father was like, I'm going to be a pilot in the pilot, I'm going to be a pilot.

00:42:22:14 - 00:42:40:17

Unknown

Like, it's this identity that I've built up, and I am a pilot. I'm proud of that. But I'm most proud of being a father. And that's how all these boys are eventually going to be as well, right? We want them to grow up and be great fathers. And there's so many father groups out there online right now, I see them.

00:42:40:17 - 00:43:06:02

Unknown

I'm a member of a couple, you know, Facebook groups of these groups trying to help fathers. And now I'm like, that's great. What if we could have helped them before they were fathers? What if we could have prevented a lot of problems, just like you do with help with nutrition and proper exercise and, you know, the proper supplements instead of creating the disease or treating the disease, let's prevent the disease.

00:43:06:02 - 00:43:36:17

Unknown

Instead of creating a situation where we have divorced fathers, let's prevent the divorce from happening. Instead of creating a situation where these guys are overworking and neglecting their children, let's make them realize they need to prioritize their family over their career, right? And prevent those problems because nothing, nothing will screw up a kid worse than having a bad relationship with their father.

00:43:36:19 - 00:43:58:23

Unknown

Yeah, I've seen a lot of studies on this where a lot of books on this, if you go into any prison, over 90% of those men in that prison did not have a good relationship with their father. If in a relationship at all, if a boy does not have a relationship with their father, they are much, much more likely to commit suicide.

00:43:59:00 - 00:44:17:14

Unknown

Wow. And I know that firsthand. My best friend did not have a good relationship with his father. His parents divorced when he was very, very young. He committed suicide was 19 years old. Wow. I mean, he fits that statistic, too. When I started learning and reading into this, like, oh my gosh, Stuart, like we should have seen this coming.

00:44:17:16 - 00:44:37:24

Unknown

Yeah. Was completely predictable, but we just didn't know. So if we can get better fathers we're going to get better kids. Yeah. And these boys, when they're 12, 14, 18, they need to think about being a father at that point and not waiting like, oh, I have a baby now. What do I do like that? Not the time to try to figure it out.

00:44:37:24 - 00:44:55:00

Unknown

I mean, we all kind of joke like, oh, the kid did come with the manual. Like, that's the joke that didn't come with the meno, but when we come with the manual, we can set up our own manual. We can set ourselves up to be a successful adult human being. Father, mother. Before the child sets, arrives in our arms.

00:44:55:02 - 00:45:13:24

Unknown

Yes. And I have a plan for that. And one thing I talk to these boys a lot about is who are you going to marry? There's no more important decision than that. Yeah. Yes. And once we kind of define that and it goes well beyond books, obviously they want it to be beautiful. Whatever they are, however they define beauty.

00:45:14:01 - 00:45:33:19

Unknown

But I wanted to have an education. I wanted to be able to have confidence. I want her to be competent in this way. You know, I want to enjoy the outdoors or riding motorcycles or whatever. Like, great. You were defining who you want your partner to be. Now, who do you need to be? Yeah, to attract that person.

00:45:33:21 - 00:45:58:14

Unknown

Oh, I didn't think about that. Oh, yeah. Because she's out there. Yeah. Yeah. She is looking for you right now. She's probably not. You're probably not the guy she's looking for. So I was like to make a little shift here, like, oh, maybe I do need to get better grades because. Yeah, because she's going to want a guy that can support a family and have a nice home and have nice things and go on nice vacations and.

00:45:58:17 - 00:46:19:22

Unknown

Right. Yeah, you go on solid right now. That's not someone she's going to be looking at. Yeah. Yeah. Not to mention just getting the right partner. So, you know, not ten years in the marriage to two kids later when those stressors hit, you know, you know, we're not really a good match right now. We need a good divorce like that.

00:46:20:01 - 00:46:39:18

Unknown

Like I should have found someone else before you got married. Yeah, let's figure that out now. Yeah. So. And is where to have these conversations with a 14 year old. It's so strange because you think, well, I've never even had a girlfriend. I'm like, yeah, so let's start talking about this now. Yeah. Like, let's make your first girlfriend to be your wife.

00:46:39:18 - 00:47:04:20

Unknown

But let's get some of those attributes that you think you want in that girlfriend. Let's start looking at that. Yeah. You can refine from there. Absolutely, absolutely. Well, this has been a really awesome conversation. I think there are so many pearls now that we have really gone through things that our listeners can take away and begin to bring forth in their lives, whether they are parents, whether they're not parents.

00:47:04:20 - 00:47:32:21

Unknown

We're all human beings and we're all dealing with these same things. I always ask all of our interviewees to give me three top things that you have, three action items that our listeners can take on to immediately begin to improve their life. Oh, good. Well, we went over this, first, to get grateful gratitude. Gratitude day and daily gratitude is great.

00:47:32:23 - 00:47:55:00

Unknown

Yeah. And, you know, I'm religious. I pray every prayer I say starts with gratitude. I'm thankful that there's something for this. I'm thankful for this. Before I ask for anything from my creator, I thank him for what I got. Yeah. Second thing, forgetting what we talked about. Now, about taking control of your life.

00:47:55:02 - 00:48:18:15

Unknown

Don't don't, What? All the distractions. Don't let the, enemies. Don't let the resentments build up in you. You control what you can control, regardless of politics, regardless of the economy. We're all dealing with the same thing. You. You control you. And the last thing is, get curious. Yes, I'm curious about other people. Stop jumping to conclusions.

00:48:18:15 - 00:48:41:03

Unknown

Stop jumping down people's throats. And I don't think many of us do that. That is. Yeah, yeah. But it's an instinct. It's easy. Yeah. And oftentimes the easy thing is not the thing we should be doing. Yeah. So just take a break. You know, another thing I talk about in my Ted talk is saying stand by, which is what we do when we're getting overwhelmed in the cockpit.

00:48:41:05 - 00:49:14:11

Unknown

Things are getting a little crazy. Stand by. Everything pauses. We reevaluate. We take in the information we need to take, and then we get back to work. And we're not just frantically like, oh, we got to go, go, go, go, go like that. That doesn't lead to good decisions. So something happened. Let's just stand by. Yes, take a break and let's get curious and start asking some questions and understanding what's going on around us before we start jumping to conclusions and jumping down people's necks and give them some reason.

00:49:14:13 - 00:49:35:01

Unknown

Yeah. That's beautiful. Thank you so much for being here with us today. Thank you for having me. Wisdom and insight. And tell us a little bit more about how people can learn about your program. I'm sure there are moms with sons who are listening who are like, I've got to get my son into this program. And they are correct.

00:49:35:01 - 00:49:58:19

Unknown

And they do. It's like a life saver. Raising fathers or raising great fathers? Dot com is our website. You can shoot me an email. Jeremy Stoker at Raising Great fathers.com I know it's a lot. That's what we came up with. Shoot me an email there. And we got an Instagram raising Great Fathers going to Facebook page as well.

00:49:58:21 - 00:50:18:00

Unknown

I just want to kind of dip your toe in and see what we do and what we talk about. So yeah, those are the best ways to get in contact with me. And man, I just love working with teenage boys. It's just that I love flying planes. But to be completely honest, if I could, I would retire today and do this full time.

00:50:18:04 - 00:50:49:20

Unknown

It's just something I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoy. Flying planes is for me. It's fun, serving other people, serving these boys and watching the changes and watching the parents change. That's for everybody. Yeah, that's the soul's work. I love it. Well, thank you so much for being here today. Thank you to all of our listeners for being a part of True Wellness with doctor D, and we look forward to having you join us next Thursday for our next interview drop without everyone.

00:50:50:00 - 00:50:54:19

Unknown

We'll talk to you soon.

00:50:54:21 - 00:51:22:00

Unknown

This is doctor D reminding you to tune in to your body, reconnect with what matters, and embrace the journey to true wellness. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe! We will review and share it with someone who's ready to redefine their health. Let's keep redefining wellness and empower change together. See you next Thursday for the next episode, drop.