Ep. 157: The Glass That Wasn’t Helping: What You’re Really Reaching For

You’re showing up. Doing all the things.
 But if you’ve ever wondered why the glass of wine that’s supposed to help you relax… actually leaves you feeling worse—this conversation is for you.

In this episode, I open up about my own journey. As someone who’s completed 75 Hard four times, I’ve been committed to building strength, prioritizing my health, and pushing for progress. And yet—there I was… sabotaging all that effort with a habit that didn’t align.
 It wasn’t about the wine.
 It was about what I was really craving underneath.

This isn’t a conversation about sobriety.
 It’s a conversation about self-trust, clarity, and quiet truth.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Emotional Well-being and Alcohol Consumption
• 0:38 Embracing the Present as a Midlife Mom
• 1:17 The Key to Effective Home Management
• 1:47 Introduction to Intentional Living
• 3:59 The Struggle with Mindless Habits
• 8:21 Understanding Emotional Triggers
• 12:27 Building Self-Trust and Awareness
• 17:46 Practical Steps for Change

Transcript

Well, hey there, I am Jennifer Roskamp and welcome to the Intentional Midlife Mom podcast. And if you're watching on YouTube, welcome there too. So today we're gonna be talking about something that there's not a lot of people talking about.

But let's first talk about you. You're showing up. You're doing all the things. But if you've ever wondered why that glass of wine that is supposed to help you relax actually leaves you feeling worse, this is a conversation that is for you. So today I'm gonna open up about my own journey as someone who has completed the 75 hard challenge four times.

I've been committed to building strength. I've been prioritizing my health for years. I've been pushing for progress. And yet there I was, sabotaging all of that effort with a habit that just didn't align. And for me, it wasn't about the wine. It was about what I was really craving underneath. And to be honest, it was also about just a mindless action that I took out of habit without ever really examining the habit. So,

Today we're not talking about sobriety. This is a conversation about self-trust and clarity and quiet truth. And by the way, I'm also going to be inviting you to my master class. It's called, If Wine Makes Me Worse Tomorrow, Why Is It Still My Answer Today? You can find out more and register for that at GetUnhidden.com. That's GetUnhidden.com. You'll also find the link to register down in the show notes.

Again, let's just get real, right? You're the one that everyone counts on. You're keeping your household running. You're showing up in your work, in the business that you run. Maybe you're raising kids. Maybe you're caring for aging parents. You're managing a lot of roles, often all at once. You're still functioning. You're still showing up. You're still getting things done. But if you're being honest, something feels a little bit off. You're tired in a way that sleep

doesn't fix, you're foggy, perhaps you're disconnected. It's kind of like you're living your life on mute. And maybe at the end of the day, there's that moment when you pour a glass of wine, not because you necessarily want it, but because it's what helps you transition. It's what helps you transition and move from go, go, go, done for now. It's what helps you move from chaos to calm.

And I know that moment because I've lived it. Again, I've done the 75 hard challenge four times. And again, if you don't know what that is, go look it up. It's not for the faint of heart. It's not easy. I work out every day. I've been a runner for more than 20 years. I've done triathlons, adventure races, all the things. I lift weights pretty much every day. And so I'm deeply committed to my health, my physical health, my mental health, my emotional health. I'm focused on building muscle.

staying strong, showing up fully in my life. And yet there was a stretch where after all of the water I was drinking, after all of the workouts I was doing, after all of the tracking was done, I poured that glass of wine in the evening that really didn't fit with any of it. And it started to bother me, not because of the calories or the carbs, but because I realized I was sabotaging my own progress, not just physically.

Here's the thing, right? Also emotionally, mentally, energetically, I had done so much work to feel good. And in this one small moment, it was undoing so much of that effort. And so I started to get curious. And that's really what drove me to sober curious. Maybe you've heard people talking about that. That's not what I'm talking about and that didn't fit me.

as I started to look into that. And I think we live in a culture, maybe now more days than ever before, we kind of normalize reaching for something, going towards something outside of ourselves to help bring balance and stability and really renewal, right? Renewing ourself. And this is especially true when we feel overstimulated, when we feel overwhelmed, maybe even when we feel numb.

And I've also seen this upward trend, and maybe you've seen it too, where wine is often framed as mommy's little helper, right? It's the coping mechanism that moms need to get through the day. It's a reward, it's a ritual, it's something that moms in the neighborhood get together and have their nightly glass of wine or two. And I'm not here to bring judgment on any of that. I'm simply saying this is what we're exposed to in a cultural way. And so it...

it often becomes this thing that I think we women, we really reach for it when we don't even know why, and we don't even know what we actually need. And so that's really when I started to ask questions of myself, and I asked, is this really helping me or is it just delaying something that I'm not ready to see, that I'm not ready to feel, that I'm not ready to hear? And so in that moment,

that glass, it felt like it was bringing me peace. But now that I'm in midlife, especially the next morning, I felt cloudy, I felt moody, I felt disappointed, I felt guilt, I felt shame, and I really started to feel like my body was working against me. And this bothered me because I had been working so hard, especially for the four or five years prior, I lost 45, almost 50 pounds.

I had worked so hard for that, and I honestly had worked so hard for my piece, right? Because my weight loss journey is a whole other conversation. For me, it wasn't about losing the weight. It wasn't about what I was eating or not eating or what I was tracking and counting and working out, none of that. It really was my mindset that actually needed the shift first, and so that's a whole other conversation.

But back to this one, in that as I started to unpack this, I realized that I had worked so hard on my mindset and my peace and my clarity and my calm, and I was giving it all away in that moment. And so if you have found yourself with this same reach, maybe you have found yourself reaching more lately, not just for wine, but really for anything that helps you escape instead of restore.

You're not alone. Maybe for you it's food. Maybe for you it's mindless scrolling. Maybe it's something else, right? You're reaching for something that is gonna help you escape. Sometimes we don't want the drink. Sometimes we don't want the food. Sometimes what we're after, a lot of times I'm discovering what we're after, is the pause. And I find this is especially true for women who are carrying so much.

We hear the talk about the mental load that women of today have. It is a real thing, right?

So what we're really looking for, I think, largely is a break from what we're carrying. We want a buffer. We want something that tells our body, you can stop performing now. You can stop going.

But what if the answer wasn't that glass of wine or that snack? What if the answer was a few moments of peace behind a locked door? What if it was a walk where no one talked to you, you had no questions to answer, you had no problems to solve? What if it was actually some sort of ritual that felt like real relief?

that didn't come with the guilt and the confusion and the lack of clarity. And so that's really what I started building in my own life. New rhythms, new rituals, ones that didn't really undo all of that progress that I was working so hard for.

So what I have realized and what I have created for myself and what I have now created to share with other women is that our journey, our healing and clarity giving journey, it isn't about self control. It's not about quitting. It's not about white knuckling. It's not about forcing. It's not about guilting yourself into new habits.

It really is about self trust. It is about learning how to trust yourself to make an aligned decision that you actually want in that moment at 8 p.m. when you are standing in front of your refrigerator contemplating pouring that glass of wine that you again you're questioning do I actually want that or maybe you're standing in your in your pantry asking yourself do I really want to eat that food?

Because in reality, deep down, we don't want someone else's rules. We don't want to follow what someone else tells us we need. This whole idea that mommy needs wine, we don't wanna just blindly follow that really. We don't want someone else to tell us what we need. We want, what we really want, is to feel aligned with our own values again. We want to be able to

trust ourselves to choose what we actually want, not what we've just gotten used to, not what again just has become our mindless reach. So what it started to look like for me and what I am here to teach women is to start asking yourself this question. What do I want in this moment? What

What I looking for in this moment? What do I want this moment to mean? Not just what do I want to grab that I think is going to make me feel better, that I think is going to give me the, that is going to be that trigger to unwind, to relax, to let it all go. When I started to ask myself these questions, that's when everything changed.

So here are three things to do right now if this conversation has resonated and before you just mindlessly grab whatever it is, right? Let me leave you with three things that you can do right now today even if you don't do anything else yet. Okay, three things. Number one, notice that moment before the reach. Pause and ask yourself, what is going on in my body?

What is going on in my mind? What is going on in my emotions right now in this moment? What you'll likely discover is what you're craving isn't actually what's in the glass or what the food is that you're grabbing or whatever it is you're gonna mindlessly scroll. It's not about that thing. It is about something. And so,

you need to start paying attention to that pattern. What is it I think, what is it I need in that moment? What am I craving? Okay? Notice that moment before you reach, okay? Step two is to actually call out and identify what it is you're craving. What is the tangible thing that you are after? Is it rest? Is it quiet?

Is it a break from decision fatigue and doing all the things and solving all the problems and continuing to work down your to-do list? Because often that craving, it's not about the food, it's not about the wine. It's about needing something. So start paying attention to that pattern. But you've got to notice that moment before. Step one says notice in that moment before.

And then step two says, name it. What is it that you are craving? And then the third step is to choose one, what I call relief ritual, right? You're looking for relief from something. So choose one relief ritual that actually aligns. So instead of that mindless grab, instead of reaching on autopilot, because it's just what you've always done. It's what happens at 8 p.m.

Try one new way to transition in that moment at the end of the day instead. When you need that unplug, when you need that peace, when you need that calm, when you need that relief, whatever it is that you identify in step number two, you need to choose one different ritual instead. Here are a couple of ideas. A five minute stretch. A brisk five minute walk.

All we're looking to do is interrupt the pattern. If you've ever heard someone talk about that pattern interrupt, that's what we're doing. Again, maybe you will still reach for that glass of wine, but you won't do it mindlessly. You won't do it without clarity. It will be done understanding what it is you're after. And then you ask the question then, essentially, does what's in this glass fit that? Or is it gonna bring that to me?

or whatever it is you're going to eat? Am I going to actually feel that way after? That's the question, right? So five minute stretch, brisk five minute walk, a slow relaxing shower, a playlist that shifts your energy. This doesn't have to be a big elaborate thing. It is a relief ritual that is going to deliver what you're looking for, potentially.

that could be something different than what, again, you're now identifying this doesn't align if you're discovering the same thing that I was. So these three steps are simple, but they're the beginning of really what I call that self-trust, that self-awareness. Really, it's self-awareness leads to self-trust, which leads to real change. But it all starts with us

understanding ourselves first. I work with coaching clients. work with women. coach women all day long on a variety, all kinds of things.

the correct angle to always start with is understanding what's inside first. And so it's that self-awareness that leads to self-trust. So that then that's where you can experience that real and lasting change. So if this conversation started something in you, if it kind of stirred something deep down inside, if you've been feeling, you know, here's the thing too that I know with midlife, right?

The glass of wine that I used to drink at 32 is not the same as when I drink a glass of wine now at 50. We process things differently, right? And I mean, at first it was kind of like, am I crazy? Am I crazy that I drank this one glass of wine and I feel like I drank more like eight? And so that's really when I started to discover, no, that's actually a thing, right? We process things differently. So if you're in midlife along with me and you're wondering what's happening, there's...

There's so much that you can uncover out there. And honestly, in the journey that I'm taking women on, we're uncovering it together. I'm sharing, hey, this is what's actually happening. These are some of the things that you're probably noticing, and there's a scientific, physiological reason why. So if this conversation, again, kind of hits you.

Right, deep down inside, if you've been feeling off, if you've been feeling foggy, if you've been feeling disconnected, know that it's for good reason if you're reaching for that wine and are in midlife, or maybe even a little bit before midlife. If you're someone who's committed to your growth, you're looking to be better aligned between what you're doing and what you actually want and what those values are and where you're going and the goals you're reaching for and striving for. If you're committed to your health,

if you're committed to your piece, but this one small little thing still doesn't feel right, then I'm gonna invite you to join me in my master class. Again, it's called, If Wine Makes Me Worse Tomorrow, Why Is It Still My Answer for Today? This is honestly the question that I wrestled with for so long. And know that this class, again, it's not about quitting drinking. It's about asking the deeper questions and finding the real answers that are relevant

to you. I share some of the answers just like I've shared a little bit with you here today. I share a little bit about what I discovered in my journey, but your answers are going to be different. But I'm here to walk alongside women in this class. And as we continue in that journey to help women like you, maybe even you find those answers, those real, true, genuine, clarity answers, clarified answers for yourself. Again, answers that

feel and that you just know are clear, ones that align with your values and your goals, answers that help you reclaim your evenings and maybe your mornings too, your evenings, your energy and yourself. So you can go to getunhidden.com and register to join me. I hope to see you there. So.

Thanks so much for joining me today. If you know that there's another woman who needs to hear this message, would you share this with her? Again, this is something that we aren't talking about out there enough. We're all into labels. You must have a drinking problem or you need to be, maybe again, if you either have a drinking problem or you're sober, curious and sober. Those are the only things that are available to you. And I'm somewhere in the middle. Again, I'm all about clarity, self-awareness, self-trust.

and really helping women make the best, most aligned decisions for themselves. Maybe it will be to give up the wine and maybe it won't. But again, we have to start with the awareness and really unpacking and getting clear on what could possibly be going on. So I invite you to join me in that class. So as always, thanks so much for joining me and we'll talk again in the next episode.

Hi, everyone.