Ep. 160: What Your Clutter Is Really Trying to Tell You

Today we’re talking about something that feels heavy for so many midlife women… and it’s not just about our homes—it’s about what’s underneath it all.

Yep—we’re talking about clutter.

But not in the “go get a trash bag and toss 10 things” kind of way.

We’re going deeper than that. Because if you’ve tried to deal with your clutter before and found yourself right back where you started—or if you’ve ever wondered why it’s so easy for some women and so hard for you—this episode is for you.

And spoiler alert: it’s not because you’re lazy or broken. It’s because your clutter has a language of its own.

And with that, let’s dive in.

Get some powerful mantras to inspire, encourage, and life you up when you need as little something intentional to focus on.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Clutter Beyond the Surface
• 0:29 The Emotional Weight of Clutter
• 0:53 Embracing the Present as a Midlife Mom
• 1:32 The Key to Effective Home Management
• 2:01 Introduction to Clutter and Emotional Weight
• 7:17 Understanding the Emotional Roots of Clutter
• 12:51 The Clutter Clarity Reset: A Practical Approach
• 17:32 Introducing the Clutter Type Quiz

Transcript

Well, hey, welcome to the Intentional Midlife Mom podcast today. If you know someone who struggles with clutter, right off, right out of the gate, I wanna ask you, please share this episode with them. They are probably going to hear something about clutter that they have not heard before, because it's really not about the clutter. So please share this episode with them. And hey, if you're listening to this episode because someone shared it with you, well, hey, consider yourself welcome here every single week. Okay.

So today we're talking about something again that feels heavy for so many midlife women. And let's just get honest for a minute. Most of the women I coach don't just feel frustrated by their clutter. They feel embarrassed by it, even ashamed. They say things like, I don't want anyone to come over unannounced, or I've tried to declutter before and it never sticks, or I don't understand why this feels so hard for me. So,

Before we really get started, I want to spend just a second talking about the kind of clutter that really we women who are not in our 20s anymore can kind of end up with. Because clutter, it's not just about the old toys or the piles of paper. It shows up in all kinds of ways. It could be the laundry mountain you never quite conquer. It could be the stacks of unread books or unopened mail. It could be the overflowing closet of clothes that don't fit anymore.

but still carry memories. It could be the junk drawer that you don't even open anymore. It could be the garage or the basement full of the I'll get to that someday boxes. Or maybe it's the kitchen counters that never seem clear for any more than five minutes. And each kind of clutter, it really carries its own emotional weight. Some of it feels like pressure. Some of it feels like failure. Some of it feels like guilt.

guilt for spending money, guilt for letting things pile up or not being quote unquote better at managing it all. And these nuances, they're what makes clutter so hard. It's not the stuff, it's what the stuff brings up. Does any of this sound familiar to you? If it does, know that you are in the company of 80 % or more of the women I talk to.

When I survey the women in my audiences, between 80 and 83 % of them say that one of the biggest struggles in their daily life is clutter. Clutter. And in some way, at some point, each and every one of my coaching clients ends up talking to me about some aspect of their homes that are causing a pain point for them. And it often centers around clutter. I've had women tell me they've hidden behind doors

for years. One mom admitted she hadn't had anyone over in three years because of the state of her home. Another client shared that she gets physically tense every time she walks past that one room, the room that holds too many decisions that she hasn't had the capacity or the brain space to make. And I've even had older clients say that they're afraid to have their grandkids over because of the clutter. These are not lazy women.

These are strong, capable women who are simply overwhelmed. And when we start uncovering the emotional roots of the clutter, everything starts to shift, not overnight, but enough that these women finally feel hopeful again. Here's what I always tell them, clutter is never just about stuff. That's just what we see with our eyeballs.

but there is so much more that is going on underneath the surface. And I think this is why clutter just makes us kind of all gross in our stomach sometimes. Clutter, it just hits deep. It's emotional. It's layered. So often your clutter is tied to your memories. It's part of your identity, your decision-making style, and really your beliefs about what makes you a good woman or a good mom or a good grandmother or a good homemaker or...

whatever your word of choice is in that regard. It's no wonder that when it comes to clutter, it's complicated. The truth is, most advice out there tells you to just push through. They tell you to set a timer, fill a box, toss what you haven't used in a year. And I actually share that different places too. And it can work. But for most midlife women I coach, it's not that simple.

Jennifer Roskamp (04:45.984)
Because we're not just dealing with things, we're dealing with a lifetime of stories, a lifetime of identities and responsibilities attached to those things. We're dealing with grief, perfectionism, guilt, and even pressure from the past. That's why you need a new approach, one that starts with grace, not shame. You need a clutter approach that meets you where you are, not where someone else thinks you should be.

Let me say that again. You need a clutter approach that meets you where you are, not where someone else thinks you should be. Maybe that someone is you. And honestly, that's what we're talking about today. This is where today's three-step reset is gonna come in.

So today I wanna give you something different, something simple but powerful. And it's a way to begin seeing your clutter differently. And I call it the Clutter Clarity Reset. So this is gonna be the really practical side of this episode. We've talked about some of the deeper things and we'll talk about some of the deeper things again, but this piece, this is all about this practical side. So get a piece of paper, write this down and...

really know that if you do these three things after you're done listening to this episode, you will have done the hardest and the most powerful thing. You will have started. And when it comes to clutter, the starting part is the hardest part. So this is a three-step reset that you can do in just a few minutes, even if you're in the middle of a chaotic day. It's not about cleaning up the whole house.

It really is about helping your brain and your body feel calmer, safer, so that you can start. So here's how it works. Step one, it's pause and observe. You're not gonna touch anything yet. Go to one space, just one space that feels cluttered. Maybe it's the kitchen counter or the laundry chair or that closet that you're avoiding. Now, pause. Don't do anything, just observe.

and ask yourself, what feels hard about this? What emotions are coming up? What's the story that I'm telling myself about this space? Maybe you're saying, I never follow through, or I don't even know where to begin. That awareness that you discover here, this is gonna be pure gold and you'll need it in order to move on to the next step. So here's a little disclaimer.

Take as long as you need to answer these questions and to answer them well. The better answers you uncover, the easier it will actually be to deal with that clutter. And why make it harder than it needs to be? So take your time on this step. So step number two is to name the emotion, not just the mess. So now instead of saying,

this is a disaster, say it this way. This clutter feels like pressure or this clutter reminds me of failure or this is a pile of decisions that I haven't had the energy to make. What are you feeling about the stuff? What are you feeling about having to take care of the stuff? Naming all of the emotions that you're feeling at this point.

it gives you your power back because once you see the real reason that it's hard, you stop blaming yourself and you start being kinder to yourself and you can process through the emotions. Now I will say that processing emotions, what is that, right? So I help clients process emotions all the time. Emotions are wrapped up in everything, right? Especially for us women, are emotional beings, right? And so,

Processing through emotions is what finally helps us be able to put them down and move past them. And so this brings us to step three. Step three is to take one emotionally comforting action before you try to touch the clutter. You're gonna do something small to comfort your nervous system. Your nervous system serves you well.

Your nervous system is supposed to alert you when there's a problem. Your nervous system is supposed to tell you to be apprehensive when it senses fear or harm or a potential threat of some kind. And that is how your nervous system is interpreting this clutter. And so taking this step, doing the small thing to kind of comfort your nervous system, it's going to help do a little reset there. This is gonna calm you down. And so,

You can do whatever it is that works for you. Turn on music, light a candle, make a cup of tea, put on relaxing sounds, or repeat a calming mantra like, I'm not broken. I just haven't had the right support, or I can do this, or I'm strong. Because when your brain feels safe, when your nervous system feels like, you know what, this really is okay, it stops.

signaling you to avoid the task. And you can actually start. Again, you may have thought this was your choice to avoid the clutter, but in reality, it was your brain and your nervous system not allowing you because it was dangerous. And I know that that sounds extreme. She's calling clutter dangerous. Well, no, I'm not calling the clutter dangerous. I'm calling the way that your nervous system and your brain is interpreting the clutter

in the way in which it's supposed to. Your brain's job is to keep you safe, happy, and comfortable. And if it feels, if your brain is intercepting what's supposed to be happening with the clutter as danger and something that's going to threaten you in some way, your brain is going to do everything it can to convince you to not do it. And so the fact that the clutter is still there, hope, it makes you feel, I hope it feels freeing.

to think, you know what, maybe that's not my problem. Maybe this isn't my problem. Maybe this isn't my fault. And if you hear me saying that to you, yeah, I'm pretty much saying that to you. So it's all about understanding what's actually happening. See how I told you, I wasn't gonna give you a, know, declutter 10 things and find three boxes and...

And there's a time and a place for advice like that. But that's once you've come beyond what we're talking about here today. Naming these emotions, being able to process through them. That's what allows you to set them down and make progress. So once you've done that, you're ready for step three. Step three is to take one emotionally comforting action before, I'm sorry. I got you there. I got you to the emotionally calming thing.

I got off out of tangent, so I wasn't looking at my notes. But when you diffuse your nervous system by taking this calming action ahead of time, you're actually able to do it. And really teaching people to diffuse emotions before they try to take any sort of action, often gonna be something that I spend time on with coaching clients. Because again, your emotions can hold you back.

Your emotions are powerful and your thoughts are powerful. Every action that you do or do not take starts at the thought level. And so if you're having thoughts that I should not do this because this is harmful, this is going to be harmful to me in some way, you're not going to be able to take the action. It's not you, right? Again, I hope you find that so freeing.

Know that if this is hitting home for you, if you're nodding along and thinking, wow, this explains a lot, then I have something you're going to love. It's called the Clutter Type Quiz, and it's coming very soon. It's not quite ready, but this is going to be a completely free quiz that helps you discover your unique clutter language. In other words, it's going to help you uncover and discover that emotional root behind why clutter keeps showing up for you.

because we've already talked about why that's important. This quiz is gonna be so cool. It's taking us quite some time. It's gonna be totally intuitive where it's gonna like weigh your answers and be able to diagnose your actual clutter language for you. There's also gonna be a PDF version if that feels too complicated, but we're really working on trying to get this thing to be super intuitive, to really give women the help that they need. We've really been developing this over months based on

really the emotional patterns that I've seen over and over and over again as a coach who coaches women just like you. You're gonna discover your primary clutter language and when you do, it's gonna feel like that's why. And you'll finally understand why some days you freeze when you try to clean up. You'll figure out why decision fatigue might be hitting you hard. You'll figure out why you keep reorganizing the same pile over and over or

why you struggle to let go of things that others would easily toss. And so this quiz is gonna take just a few minutes, but the insight that you gain, it's gonna change the trajectory of how, really how you manage your stuff for years. And you'll also get this personalized breakdown that explains why you feel stuck and really what trigger overwhelms you in your space and what you actually need to make progress.

And then I'm also gonna give you your next steps based on your results so that you're not left hanging. And really this has been on my radar for a long time and it's just kind of felt like a project that was too big. But I finally created this because I see over and over and over again that decluttering advice, it just simply cannot be one size fits all. And...

Similar to what we talked about in the beginning, another list of 101 things to toss is just not going to be what helps you actually move the needle forward and make real progress. You need insight, you need compassion, and really you need a personalized approach that fits who you are. So keep listening if you wanna hear more about that quiz. It's going to be huge. So I wanna share a couple of

I want to share a couple of examples. So I had a client who

One specific client, she told me that her biggest struggle with her clutter was that it was memories and keepsakes and things that belonged to loved ones. And she admitted that she didn't ever actually fully grieve. She knew she hadn't ever fully lost, processed through, moved forward from

the grief of losing her father. It was a lot of her father's stuff. And let me say this too. I don't think grief is ever something, I probably should have changed how I said that because I don't believe that grief is ever something that you move forward from. Grief can just become something that you get better at carrying. But she knew that if she started to get rid of these things and even process through her dad's things in any way,

it was gonna open up this bottle of emotions that she wasn't sure that she could manage. And that is something that is so powerful. But again, it's okay. Here's what I told her. It's okay if you grieve along with it as you go. And that can be true if your situation is like hers where it's a bunch of belongings that belong to a loved one, or maybe it's just that you're gonna be getting rid of clothing.

that you had hoped you would be able to wear someday again, and you can't. Just like how I talked about how we as women are emotional beings, know that a lot of times with clutter as you're processing it, even when you do all of this work ahead of time and then you step into the more practical skill of actually doing the stuff, it's okay to have the emotions wrapped up right along with it. And...

To some extent, I think it's to be expected, again, because we are so emotional. But know that.

Exhibiting emotions is a totally normal thing when we're talking about clutter. I wanted to make sure that I handed that to you as well. So one last thing I wanna leave you with is this. Before you go, I want you to pause and ask yourself, what's one thing I learned today that I didn't know before? Maybe it's that your clutter is more emotional than it is physical. Maybe it's that you're not alone.

Or maybe it's that you finally feel ready for something new. Whatever it is, hold on to that thing. It really is a sign that you're not stuck. You're becoming aware. So if something jumped out at you like that and you've been stuck in your clutter for decades, let me tell you this, you've already started to become unstuck because of this awareness. I mean,

You've already started. How awesome is that? I'm so excited for you that you are finally unstuck. So know again, I'll be talking more about this quiz and clutter a little bit more coming up because man, it is such a pain point for women these days, especially midlife women. For now, marinate on what we talked about here. Go through these three steps and know that you've got this. Until next time, I'm cheering you on.