Ep. 164: You Think You're 'Handling It All'... But Are You Really?

You think you're handling it all... but are you really?

If you're like most midlife women, you've mastered the art of looking like you've got it together. You juggle the schedules, manage the household, show up for everyone else, and somehow keep all the plates spinning.

But here's the thing: there's a difference between handling your life and just carrying it all.

In this episode, I'm sharing the hard truth about what happens when we don't release the pressure we're holding—and the simple 10-minute tool that changed everything for me (and my clients).

You'll discover:

• Why "holding it together" is actually holding you back
• The difference between carrying stress and processing it
• My Daily Brain Dump Walk ritual (with the exact 5 steps)
• What happens when you don't release pressure (spoiler: you transfer it)
• How to stop the cycle of mindless scrolling and emotional spillover

If you're tired of pretending you're fine while quietly carrying the weight of everyone else's world, this episode is for you.

Ready to stop carrying and start releasing? Hit play and let's walk through this together.

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Chapters

• 0:00 The Illusion of Control in Midlife
• 0:28 The Pressure of Expectation and the Need for Release
• 2:57 The Burden of Carrying vs. Handling Stress
• 5:44 Understanding the Daily Brain Dump Walk
• 10:00 Implementing the Brain Dump Walk

Transcript

Hey there, and welcome back to the Intentional Midlife Mom Podcast. I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and if you're a midlife woman who feels stuck, but you're done pretending you're fine and always putting everyone else first while running yourself into the ground, you're in exactly the right place. And if you know someone who needs to hear what we're talking about today, be sure you share this episode with her. I love encouraging women to be women who walk alongside one another, rather than feel like we're women who are actually in competition with one another. It is so amazing.

how your life can change when you realize and actually feel like you're not the only one in the trenches. It's so helpful to have a community of women around you who are walking the same journey. Maybe the destination is different. Maybe the variables are different, but the core journey is the same. And if you're here because someone shared this episode with you, welcome. I'm so excited you're here. I'm here every week sharing encouragement, maybe some tough love and lots of strategies that make midlife a little or a lot easier.

to manage. Today, we're talking about something I see every single day with my clients. This idea that we're handling it when really we're just carrying it. The stress, the frustration, the overwhelm, the pressure to keep up, keep going and keep everyone else okay. And if that hits close to home, stick with me because I'm gonna share a simple tool that changed everything for me and it can change everything for you too. Let me paint you a picture that might sound familiar. It's 9 p.m. The dishes are done, finally. The kids are settled, your partner is watching TV and you...

You're sitting on the couch with your phone, mindlessly scrolling through Instagram or TikTok, eating something you don't even really want. You're exhausted, but somehow you can't bring yourself to go to bed. Your mind is still spinning with everything you didn't get done today, everything you need to do tomorrow, and that general sense of overwhelm that just sits in your chest, like a weight. From the outside, it looks like you're relaxing, but really you're just avoiding, you're numbing, you're trying to decompress.

from a day where you held it all together, kept everyone else okay, and pretended like you had it handled. But here's the thing, and this is important, so lean in close. You weren't actually handling it. You were just carrying it. There's a difference. Handling something means you process it. You deal with it. You move through it. Carrying something means you just hold it. You stuff it down. You power through. You keep adding more weight to the load without ever actually setting anything down. And here's what I've learned after years of doing this work.

both personally and with my clients. If you don't release the pressure, you transfer it. What do I mean by that? Well, think about it. When you've been carrying stress all day, where does it go? Maybe you snap at your kids over something small. Maybe you pick a fight with your husband about the dishes. Maybe you eat an entire sleeve of cookies while standing in the kitchen. Maybe you stay up way too late scrolling, even though you know you'll be exhausted tomorrow. None of those things actually solve the problem. They're just ways of transferring the pressure from one place to another.

And if you don't find ways to move through it, you will absolutely unleash it onto the people, projects, or priorities that matter most. I know this because I did this for years. For a long time, I didn't know how to cope with pressure in a way that was actually healthy. I did what most people do. I pretended I was fine. I overcommitted to everything because saying no felt selfish. I snacked mindlessly, usually standing at the counter, eating things I didn't even taste because I was too busy thinking about the next thing on my list.

And then I'd scroll until bedtime telling myself I was unwinding when really I was just numbing out. It felt easier, more familiar, but it never fixed the problem. It never actually made me feel better. I remember one particular evening, my oldest kids were probably eight and 10 at the time, and it had been one of those days. You know the kind. Everything that could go wrong did. A work deadline got moved up. One kid forgot their instrument for band. The other had a meltdown about homework. Dinner was a disaster.

The washing machine decided to leak all over the laundry room floor. By the time everyone was in bed, I was done, absolutely spent. But instead of acknowledging that, instead of actually dealing with the stress of the day, I just carried it. I sat on the couch with a bag of chips I didn't really want, scrolling the internet, getting more and more irritated by everything I saw. Perfect families with their perfect dinners, organized moms with their color-coded calendars, women who seemed to have it all figured out.

And then my husband made some innocent comment about the dishes. I can't even remember what he said. And I completely lost it. Not because of the dishes, because of everything I'd been carrying all day, all week, probably all month. That's when it hit me. I wasn't handling my life. I was just white-knuckling my way through it. And all that pressure I was carrying was leaking out in ways that were hurting the people I loved most. Something had to change. That's when I started developing what I now call my daily brain dump walk.

And I'm gonna share it with you in just a minute. But first, I want you to understand something important. This isn't about being perfect. This isn't about having some elaborate self-care routine that adds more pressure to your day. This is about building resilience. It's about having tools to reach for that actually help you feel better, not worse. Because here's what I've learned. You don't need to carry it all. You need tools to release it. And when you start showing up differently for yourself, everything else changes.

Let's dig into this concept of carrying versus handling. Because understanding the difference is crucial. When you're carrying something, you're just holding onto it. Think about carrying a heavy bag. Your muscles get tired, your shoulders start to ache, but you just keep holding it. You adjust your grip, maybe switch it to the other shoulder, but you never actually set it down. That's what most of us do with our mental and emotional load. We essentially adjust our grip, and that's it.

Maybe we have a glass of wine, maybe we complain to a friend, maybe we buy something online we don't need, but we never actually set it down. Handling something is different. Handling means you acknowledge it, you process it, you do something with it, and then you let it go. Here's a simple example. Let's say your teenager had a meltdown this morning about something at school. Carrying it would look like replaying the conversation in your head all day, wondering if you said the right thing, feeling guilty about how you responded, worrying about whether they're okay, maybe even feeling frustrated that...

They made you late for work. Handling it would look like acknowledging that it was a tough moment for both of you, maybe calling or texting them later to check in, recognizing that teenage emotions are big and normal, and then moving on with your day. See the difference? In the first scenario, you're just holding onto it, letting it drain your energy all day. In the second, you process it and release it. But here's what happens when we don't release pressure. It builds up, and pressure that builds up has to go somewhere. Maybe you transfer it to your body.

This is so common. This could look like tension headaches, tight shoulders, that clenched jaw you don't even realize you're doing. Maybe you transfer it to your relationships, snapping at people, picking fights, withdrawing emotionally. Maybe you transfer it to your habits, mindless eating, endless scrolling, staying up too late, avoiding things you know you should do. Maybe you transfer it to your work, procrastinating on important projects, saying yes to things you should say no to, or being so scattered you can't focus on anything.

None of these things actually solve the original problem. They just move the pressure around. It's like playing emotional whack-a-mole. And here's the thing that really gets me. We've been conditioned to think this is just how life is. That stress and overwhelm are just part of being a responsible adult, especially a mother. But that's not true. Stress is inevitable. But carrying it around all day, every day is actually a choice we can change. So let me share with you the tool that changed everything for me, the daily brain dump walk.

Now, before you roll your eyes and think, great, another thing to add to my to-do list, hear me out. This takes 10 minutes, maybe 15, if you're really wound up. And it will save you hours of mental spinning, mindless scrolling, and emotional spillover onto the people you care about. Here's how it works. Step one, set a 10 minute timer. That's it, just 10 minutes. You can find 10 minutes. I know you can because you probably spend more than that scrolling through your phone without even realizing it. Step two,

Grab a notebook or open a voice memo on your phone. I leave myself voice memos all the time. I usually prefer the voice memo because you can walk and talk at the same time. And there's something about speaking your thoughts out loud that helps release them. But if you're more of a writer, a notebook works great too. Step three, walk outside if possible. There's something about movement that helps process emotions and stress. And if you can get outside, even better. Fresh air, sunlight, a change of scenery, it all helps reset your nervous system.

If outside isn't an option, walk around your house, up and down the stairs, around your kitchen island. It doesn't matter where, just move. Step four, say or write down everything on your mind. No filter. This is key. No editing, no censoring, no trying to make it make sense. Just dump it all out. You might say things like, I'm stressed about that meeting tomorrow. I'm annoyed that my husband left his dishes in the sink again. I'm worried about my mom's doctor's appointment. I forgot to call the dentist. I feel guilty for not helping with homework tonight. I'm tired of being the only one who remembers

Everything. Whatever it is, get it out. This isn't journaling. You're not trying to gain insight or solve problems. You're just releasing pressure. Step five, close it with a deep breath and ask, what do I actually need today? After you've dumped everything out, take a deep breath and then ask yourself, out of everything I just said, what do I actually need today? Not tomorrow, not next week. Today. Maybe you need to schedule that dentist appointment. Maybe you need to have a conversation with your husband about the dishes. Maybe you just need to order pizza for dinner instead of trying to cook.

But here's what's beautiful about this is that most of the time you'll realize that the majority of what you were carrying doesn't actually require any action from you today. You were just holding onto it. Now, let me give you some important guidelines. Don't edit or overthink your brain dump. You're not trying to be articulate or insightful. You're releasing. Think of it like emptying a junk drawer. You're not organizing the contents. You're just getting them out. Don't try to solve everything.

The point isn't to fix every problem you mention. The point is to get it out of your head so it stops taking up mental space. Don't judge what comes up. If you hear yourself complaining about something that seems petty, don't stop. If you're worried about something that might not happen, don't dismiss it. Just let it out. I've been doing this practice for years now and I can tell you it works. Not because it's some magical cure-all, but because it gives you a healthy way to process and release instead of just carrying and transferring them. My clients tell me all the time. I had no idea.

how much I was holding onto until I started doing these walks. I sleep better now. I don't snap at my kids as much. I feel like I can actually think clearly.

That's what happens when you stop carrying and start releasing. Now I know some of you are thinking, this sounds great, Jennifer, but I don't have time for this. Or what if someone sees me talking to myself? Or what if I don't know what to say? Let me address those concerns. Number one, I don't have time for 10 minutes. I get it, I really do. But here's the thing, you're already spending time processing this stuff. You're just doing it inefficiently. Instead of 10 focused minutes of releasing, you're spending two hours mindlessly scrolling or lying awake at night with your mind racing.

or having the same conversation with yourself over and over again while you're trying to work. This isn't adding time to your day. It's helping you use your time more effectively. Number two, what if people see me talking to myself? First of all, most people are too busy with their own lives to pay attention to what you're doing. But if you're worried about it, use earbuds. People will assume you're on a phone call or do it inside. Walk around your house, go to your bedroom, find a quiet space. The location doesn't matter as much as the movement and the release. Number three, what if I don't know what to say?

You always know what to say. You might think you don't, but I promise you, if you start walking and give yourself permission to speak without editing, things will come up. Start with, I'm feeling, or I'm worried about, or I'm frustrated with. If you're still stuck, try, today was hard because, or I wish, or even, I don't know what to say, but I'm going to keep walking and see what comes up. Here's what I want you to try this week. Commit to one brain dump walk, just one.

Pick a day when you're feeling particularly wound up or overwhelmed and try it. And here's what I think will happen. You'll finish that 10 minute walk feeling lighter, more clear, like you can actually think again, because that's what happens when you stop carrying and start releasing. You know, this brain dump walk is really a perfect example of what I mean when I say midlife women don't need to try harder. They need to think differently. The old way of thinking says, I should be able to handle all of this. I should be stronger. I should be able to manage my stress better.

The new way of thinking says, I'm human, I have capacity limits and that's okay. Instead of trying to expand my capacity to hold more, I'm going to develop tools to release what I'm holding. This is what I mean by real life structure that serves your life instead of suffocating it. A 10 minute brain dump walk isn't another item on your to-do list. It's a tool that makes everything else easier. It's mindset first, always. Because when you change how you think about stress from something you have to carry to something you can release, everything

changes. This is the kind of practical, no-fluff approach we take inside my accomplished lifestyle coaching community. We don't just give you more systems to try, we help you build a completely different relationship with yourself and your responsibilities. Because here's what I've learned. You don't need to burn your life down to feel better. You don't need to abandon your family to take care of yourself. Let me say that again. You don't need to abandon the people or the work or the whatever to take care of yourself.

You just need tools that actually work for your real life in your current season. And when you start showing up differently for yourself, when you start releasing instead of carrying, everything else changes too. Listen, if you've been carrying the weight of everyone else's needs, everyone else's emotions, everyone else's problems on top of your own, I need you to hear this. That's not noble. That's not strength. That's just exhaustion disguised as dedication. You don't need to carry it all. You need tools to release it.

And when you start showing up differently for yourself, when you start honoring your own capacity and taking care of your own nervous system, everything else changes. Your kids get a mom who's present instead of overwhelmed. Your partner gets a woman who's connected instead of constantly stressed. Your work gets someone who's focused instead of scattered. And you, you get to feel like yourself again. So here's what I want you to do. Try the brain dump walk this week, just once, 10 minutes. See how it feels to release instead of carry.

Observe the words you would use to describe how you're feeling before you leave, and then do the same after. Prove to me they don't swing in a better direction if you're skeptical. And if you want more tools like this, practical, real life strategies that actually work for busy midlife women, know that this is exactly what we do inside my Coaching Comunity accomplished lifestyle. We open registration once a quarter, so it will open again this fall. Make sure you're paying attention for when we do. We'll talk about it here on the podcast. I promise. For today, remember, you're not broken.

You're not behind, you're just carrying too much. And today is the perfect day to start setting some of it down. And also the perfect day to be kind to yourself. And take that walk.