Ep. 166: The Mental Load You’re Not Imagining (And Why You Can’t Carry It Alone)

If you're tired of being everyone's backup plan, this episode is for you.

I'm breaking down what the "mental load" really is...and why it's not just about the tasks you do, but about being the only one who remembers, anticipates, and carries responsibility for everyone else's needs.

I'll share why "just take a break" advice falls flat when you're the family's emergency contact for everything, and why self-care can't fix a system that runs on you doing it all.

In this episode, I'll teach you:

• What the mental load actually is (and why it's suffocating you)
• Why breaks without structural change just delay the next crash
• The real reason Pinterest-perfect planning systems don't work
• Three practical ways to start lightening the load this week
• How to delegate in ways you've probably never considered
• Why you might need to stop being so "helpful"

This isn't about becoming more organized...it's about getting back in the driver's seat of your own life.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding the Mental Load
• 0:57 The Impact of Mental Load on Daily Life
• 1:17 The Burden of Mental Load
• 5:47 Understanding the Mental Load
• 9:25 The Myth of Self-Care
• 12:43 The Need for Real Support
• 15:26 Practical Steps to Lighten the Load

Transcript

So as my brain was reeling this morning, I was already feeling burned out, right? I was already burning so much mental energy and the day really hadn't even started. There was the thank you notes that are now embarrassingly late. I've got to help my daughter with those. The pool house, it hasn't been clean since early July. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized I'm tracking my husband's work schedule.

I'm wondering if anyone remembered to clean the cat litter and I'm calculating whether we're going to have enough milk for breakfast this morning. And since we go through 13 gallons a week, I'm guessing that's a no. And again, that's really when it struck me that it's not about being disorganized. It's really about being the only one who carries it all. It's the only one. I'm being the only one who remembers all the things, who tracks all the things and who is always focused on everyone else's needs.

And it can be at the expense of my own if I'm not careful. Now, none of these things that were floating around in my brain are impossible tasks. But when you're the only one holding them in your head, when you're the only one tracking deadlines, when you're the only one who really is caring about the outcome, that's not just being busy. That's carrying the mental load. And it can feel suffocating. So I've been living this

kind of all summer long. There was no break after the school year ended for us this year. There was endless swim practices. There was graduation chaos. There was endless home repairs, car trouble, health appointments, big decisions with older kids, all while running my own business. I missed appointments. I paid a couple of bills late. And I felt physically burned out and even started avoiding my own family because I was so irritated and exhausted.

And again, this isn't about being disorganized. It's about being human, really under an inhuman load. And here's what nobody tells you. You can't Pinterest perfect your way out of this. You can't self-care your way out of a system that runs on you doing everything. So today we're going to name what's actually happening. We're going to call out the lies we've been told about it.

And I'm going to give you three real ways to start getting back in the driver's seat of your own life without dropping the ball or feeling guilty about it. Because it's not noble to carry it all. It's wise to get support. And you really can start today. Yes, you, no matter the dynamics, you can start today. By the way, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, will you share it with her?

There are so many women who are carrying such a heavy mental load, and it is burning them all out. So if you know of someone who needs to hear this, share this episode with her. And if you're here because someone shared it with you, hey, someone's thinking about you. And we talk about these kind of topics that are relevant to midlife women and really to women everywhere. So let's start by naming what is actually happening here.

The mental load, it isn't just about the physical tasks that you do. It's about the remembering, the anticipating, the managing, and the absorbing responsibility for everyone else's needs. It's really being the family's backup plan for everything. It's knowing that if you don't schedule the dental cleanings, they won't happen. If you don't track the school forms, they'll be late. If you don't remember to buy birthday gifts for your kids' friends,

Your kid's gonna show up empty handed and feel embarrassed. You've become the keeper of everyone's life. The one who remembers that your daughter has a presentation next week. That your son needs cleats for soccer season. That your husband's car registration expires this month. You're the one tracking who needs what, when, and how it's all gonna happen. And here's the story you've been telling yourself. If I don't do it, no one will. And maybe it's easier to just do it myself.

then deal with the pushback, the half-done job, or the guilt. Hey, know that if that hit home for you, it did for me too. It's okay. Here's the truth bomb that I need you to hear. It's the same one I needed to hear. You've been trained to believe that if you don't do it, it won't get done, but that's only true because you keep proving it true. Every time you step in, you're teaching everyone around you that you'll always be the backup plan.

Let me tell you about a season when I learned this the hard way. So I teach women all the time about not doing it all, about boundaries, about serving your family without losing yourself. And then I went in and did the opposite. I was in total burnout mode. was in, I was bone deep in exhaustion, but I kept going because asking for help felt harder than over-functioning. My family was tuned out and I resented it, but I also avoided confrontation.

I was so sick of the constant pushback from kids who didn't want to help, from family members who acted like they were doing me a favor by participating in their own lives. I told myself it was easier just to handle it, to stay quiet, to keep the peace and to get it done. And so I over-functioned. I kept going. And in some twisted way, that constant motion gave my nervous system a break from the conflict. But it also wore me down to practically nothing.

And the shame, cut deep because I knew better. I coach women on this exact thing. But I ignored my own wisdom. I ignored my own advice. And I was preaching boundaries while ignoring my own.

That season, it really broke something open in me, not in a dramatic movie ending climactic sort of way, but in a quiet, honest reckoning of sorts. It really was a return to truth. It reminded me that boundaries aren't just for my clients, they're for me too, especially when it's hard. Because here's what I want you to understand. You're not failing because you're tired.

You're tired because you're carrying more than your share. The mental load, it isn't just about tasks. It's about being the only one who cares about the outcome. Burnout doesn't always come from doing too much. Sometimes it comes from doing what others should have been doing all along. So here's where I want to kind of stop and address something that probably makes you want to throw your phone across the room or whatever you're listening to right now.

Because the advice to just take a break or practice more self-care, it just doesn't fit you. Here's what the self-care crowd won't tell you. Breaks without structural change just delay the next crash. You can't bubble bath your way out of being everyone's emergency contact.

I took a weekend quote unquote off last month. I went to a little getaway, I felt restored, I connected with other women and I came home feeling like I could conquer the world. And then I walked into three weeks of catch up. The laundry had multiplied. I swear it reproduces when I'm gone. Nobody had grocery shopped and somehow we were out of everything from toothpaste to toilet paper. And I was somehow farther behind than when I left.

Because taking a break from the mental load isn't the same as redistributing it. It's not the same as teaching other people that they also live in the house. You can't self-care your way out of a system that runs on you doing everything. And here's the kicker. The people benefiting from you caring it all have zero incentive to change. Why would they? It's working perfectly for them. Instagram.

It's going to show you color-coded family calendars and Pinterest Perfect command centers. Women with label makers and matching storage bins and kids who apparently put things back where they belong. They don't live in my house. But what Instagram won't show you is the woman behind it all, updating the calendar at 11 p.m., refilling the snack drawer because nobody else notices it's empty, and remembering to pack the soccer cleats that somehow never make it back to the sports bag unless you do it.

Real life isn't color coded. Real life is messy. Real life is forgetting to thaw dinner while you're running to three different practices and trying to return emails in the carpool line. And here's what I've learned. Mindset has to come first, always, because no amount of pretty planning systems will work if you're still operating from the belief that caring means carrying everything. The root problem isn't your system. It's your thoughts.

It's the belief that if you're not managing it all, you're not a good mom. That if things fall through the cracks, it's your fault. That everyone else is somehow more capable or less responsible than they actually are. You keep telling yourself it's easier just to handle it, to stay quiet, to keep the peace, and to get it done. But that quiet, man, it's costing you. It's costing you your energy, your peace, your presence with the people you love. What you need, it's not another pep talk about how strong you are.

You need people to start acting like they live in the house too. You need consequences for the people who benefit from your over-functioning. So let's talk about what real support actually looks like because it's not wine memes and you got this mama posts on Instagram. Real support isn't fluff. It's not someone patting you on the head and telling you how amazing you are while you drown. Real support is structural change.

It's accountability. It's shared load. It's safe spaces to show up messy without judgment. I've worked with hundreds of women who have reduced their mental load. And here's what I know. They don't just get more organized. They stop beating themselves up. They feel happier. They gain momentum and they make better decisions because their brain isn't constantly spinning with everyone else's needs.

They start trusting themselves again. They start showing up as the woman they want to be instead of the woman who's just trying to survive another day. But here's what I've learned about asking for help. It works best when you stop rewarding in action. When you remove the safety net that says, if I don't do it, mom will. When you're willing to just let some things be done differently or not at all, that's what real freedom starts to look like.

Think about it this way. For too long, you've been in the backseat of your life. You've been managing everyone else's journey while they get to sit back and enjoy the ride. You're the GPS. You're the snack provider. You're the entertainment coordinator and the cleanup crew, all while they get to be passengers. Real support means other people grabbing the wheel of their own responsibilities. I had to learn that asking for help doesn't make you weak. It makes you human.

But enabling learned helplessness, that makes you a martyr. And martyrdom isn't noble, it's exhausting. Here's a truth bomb that might sting a little. The people in your life are as responsible as you allow them to be.

The people in your life are as responsible as you allow them to be. If you're always the backup plan, they never have to develop their own systems. They never have to feel the consequences of their choices. When my kids were younger, I would pack their sports bags. I would make sure they had their water bottle. I would remember everything they needed. And then I'd get frustrated when they'd forget something. But I was the one making it so that they never had to remember.

I had to stop being so helpful. I had to let them experience the natural consequences of forgetting their own things. Yes, it was uncomfortable. Yes, I felt guilty. But it was also the only way that they learned to manage their own responsibilities. Because real support isn't someone doing everything for you. Real support is people stepping up to do their part so that you can focus on yours. All right.

This has all been theory, right? And I know you're tracking with me. I know that if you carry the mental load, I know that you are right here with me. So let's get practical. Here are three ways that you can start lightening this mental load this week. Step one, first, you're going to audit what you're actually holding. I want you to do something that might feel a little overwhelming at first, but trust me on this.

Write down everything that's in your head, not just what you do physically, but what you track mentally. Every birthday you remember, every appointment you schedule for yourself and for other people, every deadline you monitor, every permission slip, every grocery list item, every we're running on low mental note that you carry. And include the emotional labor too. The worry about whether your teenager is okay. The mental energy you spend planning family gatherings.

the way you're always thinking three steps ahead for everybody else. Seeing it on paper shifts it from swirling mental noise into something you can actually make decisions about. You can look at that list and you can start asking, what here actually means me? What could someone else handle? What can I let go of completely?

So here's the second step. Here's a three-way delegation strategy. Now, here's what I want to talk about. I think it's important to have a conversation about delegation and to do it differently than you've probably heard before. Most people think delegation means handing something to someone else, and that's part of it. But there's actually three ways to delegate. Way one is the obvious, right?

what I just talked about, handing it to someone else, give it to someone else and let them own it completely. Yes, even if they do it differently than you would. Yes, even if they forget once they have to face the consequences. The win isn't in perfection and it's not even in what the accomplishment looks like at the end. The win comes in the fact that you're no longer carrying it. My husband, he schedules his own appointments now.

Are they always at the most convenient times? Do they always work with the schedule? No. Does he sometimes have to wait longer for an appointment because he didn't call soon enough? Yes. But it's not my job to manage his health care. So way one is handing it to someone else. Way two is to delegate to your future self. And if you don't have anyone to delegate things to, this is where you start listening because these next two ways are totally relevant for you.

So this is the one that I mentioned earlier, the different sort of concept. I love this concept. I love this idea of creating a running list called the I'm not going to get to it list. You may have heard me talk about this list before. I know I've got a podcast episode that talks about essential lists. I've got classes and courses that mention this list. But it's the I'm not going to get to it list. These are things that you're intentionally setting down for now.

You're not pretending they'll happen this week and you're not forgetting that they exist. You're acknowledging that they're not a priority right now. Could be things like seasonal home projects, non-urgent errands, those someday ideas that keep taking up the mental space. This is still delegation because you're assigning them to a future you who has more capacity. Rather than letting these things drain your energy today, you're giving yourself permission

to not think about them right now anymore. So that's way two, delegate to your future self. Way three, delegate to your past self. What does this even mean? This looks like this. Set up systems that eliminate the need to remember. There are so many awesome tools out there, things like automatic bill pay, things like recurring subscriptions. Think, subscribe, and save items on Amazon.

those regular things that you order, what can be done automatically for you? There can be recurring grocery orders for the basics, meal planning templates you can reuse, birthday reminders set up in your phone for the entire year. Your past self did the thinking and set up the system so that your current self doesn't have to carry it in your head every day. All three kinds of delegation require the same thing.

releasing control and releasing the guilt that comes with it. You've been taught that carrying, carrying means carrying everything. My eyes got a little wonky there. Carrying means carrying everything. But carrying can also mean teaching other people to carry their own weight. And isn't this what our kids are gonna need in life? Right? So step one was to

audit what you're actually holding, getting it all out on paper. Step two was that three-way delegation. And step three is this. It's to remove friction and protect your nervous system. How do we do that? Look for the small things that create friction in your daily life and see what you can eliminate or simplify. Take things off your plate for now. For now. To.

super powerful words. I was just talking to my coaching clients in my coaching community, Accomplished Lifestyle, in level four this week. We were talking about how powerful the for now sentence structure is. You can do things like simplify your physical spaces. Fewer throw pillows means fewer things to move when you're cleaning or pick up off the floor. Fewer clothes.

means fewer decisions and less laundry. Fewer activities means less coordination. Do the small tweaks that free up mental energy. Your environment should support your peace, not demand more from you. And here's the part nobody talks about. You might need to stop being so helpful. Stop jumping in when someone's struggling to figure something out. Stop reminding them about their own responsibilities. Stop being.

Everyone's backup brain. The temporary discomfort of letting others figure it out is worth the long term freedom of not being responsible for everyone's life. And I know this feels impossible and it probably feels a little bit scary. I know you're worried that things will fall through the cracks, but here's what I've learned. The people in your life are more capable than you think. They just haven't had to prove it because you've been doing it all.

So let me bring this together for you. You're carrying more than anyone can carry long term. There's no shame in letting things go. There's no shame in asking for help or saying, not now. You're not the only one capable of taking responsibility here. You're just the one who's been willing to do it. But here's what I know about you. You didn't lose yourself overnight. And you won't find yourself overnight either.

Real change starts from the inside with clarity, with self-trust, and really belief work that actually sticks, progress that lasts, structure that supports you instead of suffocating you. You don't need to burn your life down. You just need to stop burning yourself out. It's time to get back in the driver's seat of your own life. You've been managing everyone else's journey for so long.

You forgot that you get to have your own destination. I mentioned accomplished lifestyle, my coaching community a minute ago. In that community, we start right in level zero. And it's called the Write A New Chapter Challenge because before you can delegate anything, you need to remember who you are underneath all the roles you play. You might need to rewrite that. You need to reconnect with the woman who existed

before she became everyone else's backup plan. And really through our four pillar reset path, we help you rebuild from the inside out, mindset first, then the structure that actually fits your real life. Not the Pinterest version, not the Instagram highlight reel, your actual messy yet beautiful life because you deserve to live it, not just manage it.

When it comes to my coaching clients, we work on self-management. That's really what I do most every day, the most. I help women with how you think, how you show up, how you lead yourself. We talk about home and life management, too. We talk about systems and how to create these systems that actually work in real life. We talk about capacity management, protecting your time and energy. And then we talk about how to integrate it all.

When we get to the final destination in accomplished lifestyle, we talk about how to live in alignment with what actually matters to you, because isn't that what it's all about? This isn't about becoming someone new. It's about remembering who you were before you became responsible for everyone else's life and before you accepted that. You can start again at any moment. Hard is not the same as wrong, and you have permission to be human.

It's not noble to carry it all. It's wise to get support. And you can start today by simply admitting that the current system, it's not working for anyone. And so my challenge to you this week is this, get back in the driver's seat. Your life, it's waiting for you.