Ep. 169: Okay, I'm Not Alone- Now What?

Hey, friend. Welcome back to The Intentional Midlife Mom podcast. I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and I have a question for you.

How many times have you listened to something—maybe even one of my episodes—and thought "Finally, someone gets it"? You've nodded your head. Maybe you've even cried a little, in your car or folding laundry or wherever you sneak in these moments of truth.

You've felt seen. Validated. Less alone.

The weight you carry? The exhaustion that sits in your bones? The mental load that never stops spinning? You've heard me talk about it, and you've thought "Yes. That's exactly what it feels like."

And that validation? It matters. It's real. It's necessary.

But I want to ask you something else: then what?

You feel seen, you feel understood, you know you're not alone—and then what happens? Do you close the app and go back to your day, carrying the same load, feeling the same exhaustion, stuck in the same patterns?

If so, you're not failing. But we're missing something crucial.

Because knowing you're not alone? That's step one. Today, we're talking about step two. What do you do with this awareness? How do you turn feeling seen into actually moving forward?

I'll be honest—I've had several episodes recently where the feedback has been "I feel so seen" and "Finally, someone understands." And I'm grateful for that. Truly. But I also know that if we stop there, we're doing you a disservice.

Today we're talking about the benefits of being understood, the gifts of emotional clarity, and why these conversations aren't just about comfort—they're about movement. I'll walk you through why awareness is more than validation—it's your launchpad. And I'll give you some clear, practical steps for what comes next.

Because you're not meant to stay stuck in "I feel seen" forever. You're meant to take that awareness and build something powerful with it.

Let's dive in.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Survival Mode and Mental Load
• 0:58 Finding Strength in Awareness and Moving Forward
• 1:01 The Power of Feeling Seen
• 6:41 Awareness as Launch Pad
• 12:46 From Awareness to Action
• 20:15 Practical Steps for Change
• 29:44 Leading Your Own Life

Transcript

Well, hey friend, welcome back to the Intentional Midlife Mom podcast. I'm your host, Jennifer Roskamp, and I have a question for you today. How many times have you listened to something, maybe even one of my podcast episodes, and thought, finally, somebody gets it? You've nodded your head. Maybe you've even cried a little bit. Maybe you have just felt so vulnerable by the truth that you've finally been able to understand about yourself. You've felt seen. You've...

felt validated, you felt less alone. And the weight that you carry, that exhaustion that sits in your bones, the mental load that never stops spinning, you've heard me talk about it and you've thought, yes, yes, that is me. That is exactly what it feels like. And again, that validation, it matters, it's real, it's necessary and it's powerful. But I wanna ask you something else. What comes next? You feel seen, you feel understood, you know you're not alone. And then what happens?

Do you close the podcast app and go back to your day just carrying the same load, feeling the same exhaustion, stuck in the same patterns? If so, you're not failing, but we're missing something crucial. You know you're not alone, that's step one, but we're talking today about step two. What do you do with this awareness? How do you turn this awareness and this feeling scene actually into something that helps move you forward? And I'll be honest, I've had several episodes recently

where the feedback has been, I feel so seen. And finally, someone who understands, and I'm grateful for that. Truly I am. But I also know that if we stop there, if I stop there, I'm doing you a disservice. I'm not actually helping you. And so today we're gonna be talking about the benefits of being understood, really the gift of emotional clarity and why these conversations that we're having aren't just about comfort, they're about movement.

I'm gonna walk you through in today's episode, we're gonna walk through why awareness is more than validation. It really is your launch pad. And I'll give you some clear practical steps for what comes next. Because you're not meant to stay stuck in, I feel seen forever. You're meant to take that awareness and build it into something powerful. And so that's what we're gonna be doing today. So let me start with this. When we know it's not just us, everything shifts. We stop that brutal spiral of self-blame.

We stop asking, what's wrong with me? And start asking better questions. For years, I thought I was the only one who felt like I was essentially drowning in my own life. The only one who looked around at other women and wondered, how are they holding it all together? The only one who felt guilty for feeling tired or ashamed for feeling behind or frustrated with myself for not being able to keep up. And then I started having real conversations with clients, with friends, with women who looked like they had it all figured out.

And do you know what I discovered? We're all caring more than we should. We're all exhausted. We're all wondering if everyone else has some secret manual that we never got. And let me say that realization was life changing, not because it solved all my problems, but because it stopped me from making myself the problem. And let me tell you about a season when this hit me particularly hard. So I teach women all the time about boundaries and balance. It's literally what I do.

for a living as a life coach. I talk about not doing it all. I talk about protecting yourself, about serving your family without losing yourself in the process. And there I was, really in one of the hardest seasons of my own life, doing exactly the opposite of what I teach. I was in total burnout. I was bone deep in exhaustion. But I kept going because I wasn't protecting myself. I was letting myself really be taken advantage of, and I knew it. And I didn't.

I just didn't want to keep fighting anymore. I was so sick of the constant pushback from kids who didn't want to help, who didn't care, from really from, some ways, my husband who kind of just felt like another person that I had to manage when I had to manage so many details of his life. It felt like everyone in my home was hyper-focused on themselves while they watched me crumble.

And I kept telling myself it was easier to just do it all than to feel the sting of their rejection when they didn't step up. And so I over-functioned. I kept going. And in some twisted way, that constant motion gave my nervous system a break from all of that conflict. Because let's be honest, conflict does put our nervous system through the wringer as well. But it also wore me down to nothing. And the worst part is that I knew better. I teach this stuff. I live it. Except during that season, I didn't. I chose not to.

I refused to apply the very principles that I give other women. And that made it worse because it wasn't just about burnout. I also had to carry the shame of knowing that really I was betraying myself. But here's what I learned. The moment I stopped making myself wrong for being tired, for being overwhelmed, for being behind, that's when I could finally see what was really happening. Like I often share with you, I wasn't broken. I wasn't weak.

I wasn't failing at life. I was just burned out. And burnout isn't a character flaw. It's just information. When I finally said that out loud to myself first and then to others, everything shifted. Not because the circumstances changed immediately, but because the story I was telling myself changed. You're not broken. You're just burned out. That kind of became my anchor. That became my life true north.

And when I started saying that to other women as well, when I started having conversations about the mental load, the emotional labor, the exhaustion that comes from holding everyone else's world together, I realized how many of us needed to hear it. The power of knowing that it's not just me, it builds courage, it breaks isolation, and it stops us from spiraling into self-blame. But here's where we can't stop. Validation is only the foundation, not

the destination. That was a lot of words. Those were a few words with a lot of meaning. So I'm going to say them again. Validation, us understanding that we're not alone, validation is the foundation. But it's not the destination. Because if we stay in this me too space without moving forward and without asking now what, we're just collectively treading water. We're bonding over struggles without building anything better.

Shared struggle builds courage, but only if we move forward with it. So here's something I want you to understand. Awareness lets us stop minimizing what we carry. And when you stop minimizing what you carry, you build self-trust. And self-trust is really where real change begins. It's when I know I can start listening to what I think and what I say and what I feel.

But what's exhausting is pretending that emotional labor isn't real work, pretending that processing and planning and remembering and managing and holding space for everyone else's feelings doesn't drain you. We cannot continue to pretend that all of those things don't take an enormous amount of our resources, an enormous amount of our bandwidth. Let me give you an example. I can move boxes all day long.

Literally haul furniture, reorganize a garage, do physical labor and feel tired but accomplished. My body will likely be sore, but it's a good sore. I can sleep well that night. But if I spend two hours navigating family conflict, managing everyone else's schedules while trying to keep the peace, holding space for one of my kids who's having an emotional meltdown while also meal planning and remembering that someone needs a clean towel for tomorrow, I'm wiped.

for what feels like the rest of the week. Same energy output, but different recovery time. For the longest time, I couldn't understand why mental and emotional work left me more drained than physical work. I thought I was being dramatic. I thought I should be able to handle it better. But here's the truth. Emotional labor is real labor. Mental processing is real work. Managing other people's emotions in schedules and needs and expectations

It's real effort. And when you start honoring that, when you essentially stop gaslighting yourself about your own experience, something powerful happens. You stop saying, I don't know why I'm so tired. And you start saying, of course I'm tired. Look what I'm managing. You stop saying, I should be able to handle this, and start saying, this is a lot. Anyone would struggle with this. You stop minimizing your experience, and you start validating it. You.

can remind yourself you're not lazy, you're overloaded. I say this to women all the time and I watch their faces change. There's relief, there's recognition, there's permission to be human. But here's what happens when you stop minimizing what you carry if you're doing it right. And that is you start making different choices. Instead of piling more onto an already full plate, you start asking, what can I take off?

Instead of trying to muscle through on willpower alone, you start looking for actual support. Instead of feeling guilty for needing rest, you start prioritizing it. Compassion isn't weakness, it's strategic fuel. Let me say that again. Compassion for yourself isn't weakness, it's strategic fuel. When you stop wasting energy on self-blame, you actually have more capacity to move forward.

But hear this, and this is crucial, compassion without action is just comfortable stagnation. There's a truth bomb for you. Compassion without action is just comfortable stagnation. You are choosing to stay stuck. Because the truth is you can validate your experience all day long. You can understand why you're tired, why you're overwhelmed, why you're stuck. But if you don't do anything,

With that understanding, you're just spinning in a more comfortable version of the same exact cycle. And you're left wondering, why is it the same thing over and over and over again every single day? Feels like Groundhog Day. Don't let me take away from awareness. Awareness is powerful, but it is so crucial that you understand it's still just the beginning. Here's something that I've learned, and it might sound harsh at first, but stay with me.

No one is coming. I've heard Mel Robbins say it countless times, other people too, I'm sure. No one is coming. It's one of the most freeing realizations really that you can have. No one is coming to rescue you from the mental load. No one is coming to fix your overwhelm. No one is coming to manage your capacity for you. No one is coming to read your mind and know what you need without you asking for it. And I know that that can feel depressing, but here's why it's actually empowering.

When you understand, embrace, and accept that, knowing that no one is coming, it means that you get to decide what happens next. For so long, I was waiting, waiting for my family to notice how much I was caring and step up, waiting for my husband to see that I was drowning and throw me a lifeline, waiting for my kids to magically become more considerate and helpful. And while I was waiting, I was getting more and more resentful, more and more bitter, more and more exhausted. But the day I realized no one is coming,

That was the day I stopped waiting and started leading. And these conversations that we've been having here on the podcast these last few weeks, and by the way, if you have not listened to the last three or four episodes, you are gonna wanna make sure that you do it. And I would suggest binge watching it, binge listening if at all possible, because they all flow one right into the next. And if you have listened or if you do listen, even to this episode and you know that there are other women,

You know there are other women who are raising their hand and who would raise their hand with what I'm saying today and say, my gosh, I needed to hear this. Share these episodes with her. This is how we can get the conversation out. And we can actually start to help women together. We can actually come together and help one another. So these conversations, these ones that we have been having, the ones that are leaving women feeling seen and understood,

They're not vent sessions. I'm not here sharing this information with you just to vent to you or give you ammunition to vent to yourself or to friends or to loved ones. These conversations that we've been having and the reason that I'm having them with you is because they're preparation. They're you gathering the courage. They're equipping you to gather the courage to get back in the driver's seat of your own life. I say this all the time.

Get out of the backseat and into the driver's seat of your life where you're the one making the choices because this is an important distinction. Just because you're not to blame doesn't mean that you can't take the lead. So let me be clear. I'm not saying your struggles are your fault and I'm not saying you created this mess. I'm not saying that you deserve to be caring this much, but I am saying that you have more power than you think you do to manage what you're managing. And that power starts with ownership.

Not ownership of everyone else's choices. You can't control those, ownership of your own response, ownership of your boundaries, ownership of your decisions moving forward. You can't drive from the backseat. Understanding is your map. Ownership is you turning the key. And here's what ownership looks like in practice. Instead of waiting for your family to offer to help, you ask for it directly. Or better yet, you stop doing things that aren't actually your responsibility.

Instead of hoping that your husband will notice your overwhelms, you tell him exactly what you need and when you need it. Instead of resenting the mental load, you start sharing it or releasing parts of it entirely. Instead of carrying everyone else's emotions, you start setting boundaries around what you will and won't manage. This isn't about becoming selfish or uncaring. It's about stepping into your power as the leader of your own life, the driver of your own car, because here's the truth.

No one can want your peace more than you do. No one can or will protect your energy more than you can or need to. No one can advocate for your needs better than you will. And that's not a burden. That really is your superpower. And when you name the truth, you start making better decisions. It's really that simple. You stop planning with fantasy in mind and start designing for real life.

This is what I help my coaching clients do all day long, every single day. We are not planning or finding solutions for fantasy. We are designing solutions and systems and routines and boundaries and thought processes and emotional processing for real life.

This means you also stop pretending that you have infinite energy and start being strategic about where you spend it. You stop trying to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect woman, and start being the present one. For years, I was making decisions based on who I thought I should be, not who I actually was. And I was creating schedules for the woman who had unlimited energy, unlimited patience, unlimited capacity. And you know what?

I'm not that woman. I was meal planning like I enjoyed cooking elaborate dinners every night. I don't. I was saying yes to commitments like I didn't already have a full plate. I was setting goals like I had hours of free time to work on them. And then I wondered why nothing stuck, why I was always behind, why I felt like I was failing at things that should have been simple. And if you're driving, keep both hands on the steering wheel. But

If you're not driving, can you raise your hand and can I get an amen here? The problem wasn't my willpower. The problem was my self-awareness. I was trying to live someone else's life, the life of really the woman that I thought I was supposed to be instead of the life that actually fit who I am. It's not, if you're multitasking, just focus for just one second on this super powerful truth bomb that I would suggest you write on a sticky note.

If you don't know of my obsession for sticky notes, man, these truth bombs and mantras and other powerful thoughts that I share here and with my coaching clients, we write them down because we need to see them. We need to be reminded. Just hearing them and knowing them isn't enough. We need to know them in the moment. And that's really hard to do. This is one to put on a sticky note. It's not about trying harder. It's about thinking differently. see, I told you, right?

It's not about trying harder. It's about thinking differently. When you understand what's really going on, when you stop gaslighting yourself about your own experience, you can finally make choices that actually serve you. You can create a morning routine that works for someone who doesn't like getting up early instead of forcing yourself into a 5 a.m. schedule that makes you miserable. You can plan meals that work for someone who sees cooking as fuel, not joy, instead of trying to become a Pinterest worthy chef overnight.

You can set boundaries that work for someone who values peace over productivity instead of trying to hustle your way into worthiness. This clarity, this honest assessment of who you are and what you actually need, it's not just nice to have. It's the foundation of every reset that actually sticks because here's what I've learned. When you try to build a life that doesn't fit who you are, it will always feel like you are swimming upstream.

You'll always feel like you're failing and like you're not enough and like there's something wrong with you. But when you start designing for who you actually are with your actual energy levels, your actual preferences, your actual capacity, everything gets easier. Not easy, but easier and sustainable. The goal isn't to become someone new. The goal is to honor who you already are and build from there.

All these moments when you've thought finally someone gets it, that's not the end goal. That's your starting line. And so in this episode and the few leading up to this one, this awareness that you've gained, this understanding of what you've been carrying, this clarity about what's been happening, it is the foundation of your reset. You don't need to burn it all down. You just need to know where to begin. One of my favorite mantras is progress is progress. And you can start again at any moment. You can choose to make progress.

Right now in this moment, I tell myself and I tell my clients this all the time because I think we get stuck believing that change has to be dramatic to count. That if we're not completely overhauling our lives, we're not really changing. But that's not how sustainable change works. Sustainable change happens in small, consistent steps. It happens when you use your awareness of yourself as a catalyst for different choices.

So here's what you can do with this awareness starting today. I've got four things. This is where it gets really practical. Grab something to write with, hit pause, come back, write these things down because this is how you start to move forward. Remember how I said way back in the beginning of this episode, understanding, essentially what I said was understanding is foundational. Understanding is step one. Feeling seen, feeling understood, getting this clarity.

Knowing that we're not alone, that's step one. Here is where step two actually happens. It's these things that you're gonna write down. So here's what you can start doing with this awareness. Number one, track your mental load for one day. Not to shame yourself, but to see it clearly. Write down every decision you make. That's gonna be a long list, isn't it? Write down every decision you make, every task you manage, every emotional load you carry. The goal isn't to judge it, it's to acknowledge it.

because you can't change what you won't name. So track your mental load for one day. That's step one. Step two, practice naming emotional labor without apology. When someone asks what you're doing and you're processing family dynamics or managing schedules or planning ahead, don't minimize it. Say, I'm processing, I'm managing, or I'm planning. It's real work. Treat it like real work. It is.

You are burning resources all over the place when you are doing those things. So practice naming emotional labor without apology. Name it for what it is. It is the same. It draws your resources just like physical labor does. So that's step two. Step three, choose one belief to let go of. Maybe it's, I should be able to handle it all, or I should be able to handle this better. Maybe it's a good mom doesn't ask for help. Maybe it's, if I don't do it, it won't get done.

Or if I don't do it, it won't get done right. Pick one limiting belief that's been driving your choices and consciously release it. I love the concept of writing it down on a piece of paper, ripping it up and throw it in a way. That's just a really tangible, visible way to release it. And it's powerful. The fourth step, stop waiting to feel ready. You will never feel 100 % ready to set boundaries. Ask for help.

or change your patterns. Readiness, stick with me here. Readiness isn't a feeling, it's a decision. Readiness isn't a feeling, it's a decision. So what I just said was, you will not ever feel ready. You will decide to be ready. Pick one small thing and begin again. Decide to begin again. Decide to say, progress is progress. Decide to actually embrace that.

The truth is you've been preparing for this moment, the moment when you stop accepting exhaustion as normal and start building something better. Every time you've felt seen in these conversations, every time you've recognized yourself in any of these stories that I've been sharing, and I share them in my emails too.

Every time you find yourself, every time you've thought, I'm not alone, that's been preparation. You've been gathering courage, you've been building awareness, you've been recognizing your worth, and now it's time to act on what you know. You don't have to wait until your kids are older. You don't have to wait until your schedule calms down. You don't have to wait until you have more energy, until you feel more confident. You can start right where you are with what you have as you are.

You can start right where you are with what you have as you are. Because here's the truth, it's true for me, it's true for you, it's true for everyone listening. Your life is waiting for you to lead it. Not perfectly, not without mistakes, but with intention, with awareness, with the understanding that you deserve to thrive, not just survive.

So let me tell you something that might surprise you. The women that I work with who create the most lasting change, they aren't the ones with the most time, with the most resources or the most support. They're the ones who make the shift from survival to leadership. You can be in survival mode for a season, but you still need to be leading. What does it mean to shift from survival to leadership? In survival,

survival mode, you're reactive. You're putting out fires. You're managing crisis, crises, crises, crises. You're trying to keep everyone happy while slowly disappearing in your own life. But in leadership mode, this is where you're proactive. You're making decisions based on your values, not your fears. You are the one setting the tone instead of just responding to whatever comes your way. This is the difference between the backseat and the driver's seat.

And here's the key, to make this shift from survival to leadership, it doesn't require perfect circumstances. It requires the thing I mentioned just a short time ago. It requires a decision. It requires a decision that you matter to, a decision that your piece is worth protecting, the decision that your energy, it is a finite resource that deserves to be stewarded wisely. It's a decision that you can love your family

fiercely without losing yourself in the process. I think about the story I shared earlier when I was burned out and over-functioning and knowing better but not doing better. The turning point wasn't when my circumstances changed because let me tell you, they didn't. It was when I stopped betraying myself. I wasn't just ignoring myself. I was betraying myself. It was when I stopped pretending I was fine when I wasn't. It was when I stopped doing everything.

just to avoid conflict. When I started honoring my own capacity as much as I honored everyone else's needs. That's the shift from accommodating everyone else's life to actually leading your own. That's the shift. And it starts with the awareness that you already have. The awareness that what you've been carrying isn't sustainable. The awareness that you deserve better. The awareness that change is possible. Now, let me be clear about what I mean by leadership.

because I'm not talking about becoming bossy or demanding or selfish. I'm really talking about becoming the CEO of your own experience. A good CEO, if you think about who a good CEO is, a good CEO doesn't micromanage everything. She delegates. She doesn't say yes to every opportunity. She protects her capacity for what matters most. She doesn't pretend to have unlimited resources. She makes strategic decisions.

about where to invest her time and energy. Leadership in your own life looks like setting boundaries, not to punish others, but to protect your peace. Asking for help, not because you're weak, but because you are wise. Saying no to good things so that you can say yes to better things. Managing your energy like the finite resource it is. Making decisions based on what serves your family long-term, not just what's easiest in the moment.

Taking care of yourself is not a luxury, but a responsibility. And this isn't about becoming perfect, it's about becoming intentional. And the beautiful thing about really leading your own life is that you don't need anyone's permission to start. You don't need your husband's approval to set boundaries. You don't need your kids' cooperation to change your own patterns. You don't need your circumstances to be perfect or even close to perfect to begin making different choices. You just need to decide

Again, decide, there's that word again, decide that you're worth it, that your peace matters and that your wellbeing serves everyone that you love. You being a better version of you actually benefits the very people you're trying to sacrifice it all for. Here is something that I've noticed with every woman that I work with. When she stops disappearing inside her own life and starts leading it, everyone benefits.

in so many ways, but here are just a few. Her kids learn what healthy boundaries look like. Her husband learns to step up because she stops doing everything. Her community gets a more present, peaceful version of her, so does the school committee. And she gets her life back, not a perfect life, not a life without challenges, but a life that she's actively participating in instead of just surviving. When you stop carrying everyone else's emotional load,

they learn to carry their own. When you stop over-functioning, space opens up for others to function. When you stop saying yes to everything, your yes becomes more valuable and powerful. When you stop pretending to be fine, you give others permission to be human too. This isn't selfish. This is strategic. It's sustainable. And this is what loving leadership, I would argue,

actually looks like. And it starts with the decision to stop waiting for permission and to start taking ownership of what's yours to manage, your thoughts, your choices, your responses, your life. So here we are. You've listened to this episode and maybe others like it. You've felt seen, you've felt understood, you felt validated, and you've realized you're not alone. You're not broken. You're not failing at life. You are aware and awareness is power.

you use it. The question now is what will you do with what you now know? Again, you can close this app and you can go back to your day. You can carry the same load. You can feel the same exhaustion. You can be stuck in the same patterns if you choose, and that's okay. There's no shame in not being ready yet. But if you are ready to move from awareness to action, from understanding to ownership,

from feeling seen to actually moving forward, this is what I help with. You don't have to figure this out alone. This is what I do as a coach. I've got an amazing resource for you down in the show notes. Make sure that you start there. That is a resource that is free. It's all about surviving survival mode and helping you create a plan for what that actually looks like to do that well.

because the goal isn't to necessarily get out of survival mode like we've been taught because sometimes life demands that you live there. So if you have to live there, this tool is gonna help you create a plan to actually be in your life, in your season, but be in it better. So make sure that you grab that. When you grab that, you're not only getting that tool, but you're also gonna be getting future emails from me, which is how people hear about when coaching spots.

I've got coaching communities and programs and one-on-one coaching. This is how you'll hear when they open up. I just opened a bunch for September. They're closed now, but I just opened a bunch for September and that happens. I do that at times. But getting that free resource is not only gonna help you in this moment, it's going to help you in future moments as well. I've got a lot of resources that I give out for free and I do a lot of coaching for people who want

more of my one-on-one help. And there's all kinds of ways to do that.

So I hope that you have seen and felt the truth about what you're carrying. I hope that you understand in a new way that you're not broken and that you're not alone and that you're not stuck unless you choose to be stuck. You can start again at any moment. Progress is progress. hard, doing hard things, it doesn't mean that you're doing the wrong things. Step into your life, your life

is waiting for you to lead it. Again, not perfectly, but purposely. That's what I had for you today. Thanks for listening, friend. I'll check in with you again next week. Make it a great day.