Ep. 177: Stop Waiting for Rescue: How to Carry Your Life Differently When Help Isn't Coming

In this episode we're talking about something that might sting a little at first, but if you stick with me, it could change everything.

Let's talk about rescue.

Because if you're anything like most midlife women, you've been told you just need more support, more rest, more help.

And don't get me wrong—those things matter.

But they're not what's keeping you stuck.

So what is? We’ll unpack it on this episode of The Intentional Midlife Mom podcast. 

Find out what's actually draining you! 

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Chapters

• 0:00 Identifying Personal Energy Drainers
• 0:16 Understanding Support vs. Stagnation
• 1:56 Breaking Free from the Myth of Rescue
• 4:47 The Power of Emotional Boundaries
• 8:16 Carrying the Load Differently
• 11:06 Understanding the Three Drains

Transcript

All right, friend. Well, we are going to talk about what is really keeping midlife women stuck these days. It's not about, it's not the fact that you need support. It's not the fact that you need more rest. It's not the fact that you need more help. Those things can all be 100 % true. However, it's not a lack of these things or it's not a lack of an adequate amount of these things that is keeping you stuck. And what is that?

Right? What's keeping you stuck is the belief that your piece depends on who shows up for you. So let me ask you, what happens if they don't? What if your husband doesn't notice what needs to be done? What happens if your grown kids still lean on you for everything? What if your parents need more than you ever expected? What if the help you've been waiting for never comes? Then what?

This isn't about giving up hope, it's about taking your power back because your life doesn't have to change for it to feel different. When you stop waiting for rescue, that's when you start to carry your life differently. So there's kind of this myth of rescue, right? We've all bought into it, this idea that if we could just get more help, we could finally breathe. We believe that if the right people showed up in the right ways, everything would get easier.

Support is great when it comes, but it can't be the foundation of your peace and your strength because when your peace, calm, and strength depends on someone else's behavior, you've already handed over your power. That's not cynicism, that's ownership. I used to think relief hinged on help. If my family would just pitch in, if my husband would just notice, if my kids would just do their part. But waiting for that,

left me feeling frustrated and resentful and exhausted because I had tied my strong, my peace, my calm to something I couldn't ever control, which is other people. You can hope for help. Of course you can. But you can't hinge your happiness on it. The help, it might come. But your steadiness can't depend on that. And here's what I've learned in almost 25 years of motherhood with nine kids, grandkids, a business, all the chaos that comes with real life.

Waiting for someone to rescue you is going to be a losing game every time not because people don't care not because they don't want to help and not because they they don't pitch in But because even when they do pitch in it's not consistent It's not reliable and it's never going to be the thing that makes you feel okay That has to come from one place and one place only That has to come from you

So let me tell you about a moment that this really hit home for me. A few years ago, someone close to me made an assumption about my life that was completely wrong. They decided I had it easy, that I didn't understand what real struggle was, that my life was simple compared to theirs. And in all honesty, that stung because they had no idea what I was actually carrying, the invisible weight, the emotional load, the mental tabs I had open 24-7 just to keep everything running.

My first instinct was to defend myself, to explain, to prove that they were wrong about me. But then something clicked. Their perception of me had nothing to do with my actual reality. They were seeing their own version of my life, not the truth of it. And I had a choice. I could let their misunderstanding define how I felt about myself, or I could separate what they believed from what I knew to be true.

That's when I really understood the power of emotional boundaries, not the kind where you shut people out, but the kind where you separate what someone does from what it means about you. Their behavior, didn't have to dictate my experience. Their lack of understanding didn't have to make me feel unseen. Their inability to see my load didn't make it any less real or any less valid.

Their inability to see my load didn't make it any less real or any less valued. This is what I mean when I say you can't control who shows up. But when you control how you carry it, you can't make someone else see what you're holding. But you can stop waiting for their validation to feel OK about it and to feel powerful because of it.

You can't force someone to help, but you can stop making your happiness, your peace, your strength, your calm dependent on whether or not they do. You can't change their perspective, but you can stop letting it change yours. Here's another truth bomb. You can't wait for life to get easier. You have to get better at carrying it. So what does carrying differently look like? Well, when my kids got older, I thought I'd finally have breathing room, but the truth is,

The load, didn't get any lighter. It just changed shape. Now I've got adults. I've got adult relationship with kids. I'm watching them make choices I wouldn't make. I'm holding my tongue when I just want to fix everything. Being there for emotional crises that I can't solve. A business that doesn't run itself. A marriage that needs intention. A body that doesn't bounce back anymore. Aging parents who need more support. I wanted all of it, but wanting something doesn't make it easy.

And that's the paradox of midlife. You can love your life and still feel crushed by it. You can be grateful for it and resentful at the same time. You can be proud and bone tired in the same breath. Both things can be true. So the question isn't how do I make it lighter? The question is how do I carry it differently? Because here's what I learned. The load didn't get lighter, but it started to feel lighter. It didn't get lighter, but it started to feel lighter.

Again, not because anything changed around me, but because I changed how I held it. Sometimes that means lowering the bar on dinner instead of lowering your worth. Sometimes it means saying not today instead of I'll figure it out. Sometimes it means resting before you earn it. That's how you start carrying differently. So let me give you a really practical example. For years, I thought being a good mom meant being available all the time, responding immediately, solving every problem.

Problem, anticipating every need before anyone even had to ask. But that meant I was exhausted all the time, irritable, running on fumes. And here's the thing, my kids didn't actually need me to be that way. I just thought they did. I thought that's what good mothering looks like. And so I started to ask myself different questions. Does this really have to be done today? Do I have to be the one who carries it or figures it out? What would good enough look like right now? And slowly with questions like these, things started to shift. I stopped.

responding to every text immediately. I let my kids figure some of their things out on their own. I lowered my standards on things that actually didn't matter. Not right then. My to-do list, it didn't really shrink, but my resentment did. My circumstances didn't change, but my energy did. I didn't suddenly get more hours in a day, but I stopped wasting them on guilt. You can't always change what you carry, but you can always change how you carry it. Are you sensing a theme here?

So there's this shift that happens. It's when you have the same life, but you allow yourself to have a different experience with it. One woman waits for rescue. The other stops waiting and learns to carry it differently. The load doesn't change, but she does. And by the way, relief doesn't start when the help comes. Relief starts when you stop waiting for it. And that's the shift that changes everything.

It's not pretending everything is fine. It's not choosing joy while you're drowning. It's owning your reality and deciding that if nothing changes, even if nothing changes, you still can. You can still find calm. You can still protect your peace. You can still feel steady, even when the world keeps asking for more. That's not toxic positivity. That's maturity. That's wisdom. That's strength. Because...

Here's what most women don't realize. Your thoughts about your life matter just as much as the circumstances of your life. I'm actually even going to say that a little bit differently. I'm going to say your thoughts about your life matter just as much or more than the circumstances of your life do. Two women can be living nearly identical lives, same responsibilities, same pressures, same chaos. And one feels buried while the other feels capable.

The difference isn't the load, it's how they're thinking about the load. One woman is thinking, this shouldn't be this hard. Everyone else has it easier. I must be doing something wrong. If I were stronger or better or more organized or more put together, this wouldn't feel so heavy. And the other woman is thinking, you know what, this is hard and that's OK. I'm not doing it wrong, I'm doing a lot and I can handle hard things even when they don't feel good. Same life, different.

experience. And that shift, it's not about denying reality or pretending everything is fine. It's about owning the reality that nothing external may ever change and deciding you're not going to wait for it to change before you allow yourself to feel steady. I'm going to say that again. The shift is about owning the reality that nothing external may ever change and deciding you're not going to wait for it to change.

before you allow yourself to feel steady. It's giving yourself permission to feel tired without guilt, to acknowledge the weight without making it mean that you're failing. It's choosing your perspective, not because you're delusional, but because you realize you have more power than you think. Not to change everything, but to change how you hold it. OK, so now that you're seeing it, what do you do with it? Well.

I'll tell you one thing, you don't need to overhaul your life. You really just need to take one honest look at what's actually draining you because you might not be tired because you're doing too much. You might be tired because you're carrying the wrong kind of load. There are three drains that most women carry without realizing it, and chances are you've been drained by all three right now. The first load is the visible load. This is all the tasks that

Everyone can see and in reality, these are probably the only tasks that you're aware of. It's the meals you cook, the bills you pay, the errands you run, the endless household tasks that make life function. It's the laundry that never ends, the dishes that pile up again five minutes after you wash them, the calendar that's packed with appointments and obligations, the schedules you're managing for multiple people, not just for yourself. You have a mental to-do list that never ends. You're constantly behind. You feel like you're always cleaning, but nothing stays clean. This is the work that everyone, including yourself,

can acknowledge, but it's only one layer of what's draining you. The second drain is the invisible load. This is the mental tracking and anticipation that no one notices. It's anticipating what's going to happen before it even happens. It's the remembering, the planning, the managing of everyone's needs and moods. You're the only one who remembers the birthdays, the appointments, the important dates. You track what needs to be done even when no one asks you to. You notice what's running low before anyone else does, the milk.

the toilet paper, the patients. You're mentally planning three steps ahead while doing your current tasks, and no one realizes how much you're holding in your head all the time at all times. This is the work that's invisible to everyone else and maybe even to yourself, but it's exhausting. And it's exhausting you just the same as the visible load is. The third drain is the emotional weight. This is the guilt, the worry, the resentment, the constant self-questioning.

that come with being the only one holding it all together. And of course, feelings and emotions. And here's the thing, you absorb other people's moods and stress because you care. You're managing conflict or keeping the peace in relationships. You feel responsible for how other people feel. You carry worry about things that are outside of your control. You stuff down your own emotions just to stay functional. This is the feelings that you carry that aren't even yours.

but you're carrying them anyway. Most women are being drained by all three of these things at once. And that's the reason that you are exhausted. It's not because you're failing, but because you're overloaded. So here's your first action step for today. Don't fix anything. Don't schedule anything new. Just grab a piece of paper, grab your notes app, and write down one thing from each one of these three drains that is weighing on you this week. What's one visible task that feels never ending?

What's one thing you're mentally tracking that no one else even notices? What's one emotional weight you're carrying that isn't actually yours to carry? That's it. You don't need to solve any of these issues. You just need to see them because clarity is the first step to relief. And if you want to go a little bit deeper, grab my free checklist. It's called Why You're Exhausted and the Three Things Draining You Most. It's going to take you two minutes and it'll show you which drain is hitting you the hardest.

so that you can finally stop spinning your wheels and start feeling steady again. The link is in the show notes. Before we wrap up, I want to tell you something I wish someone had told me years ago. Strength doesn't mean that you carry it all without breaking. Strength means that you keep showing up even when you feel like you're breaking. It means you admit when it's hard. It means you ask for help when you need it. You rest when you can. But you don't wait for the delivery of any of those things that involve other people.

You don't wait for permission and you don't wait for rescue. You don't wait for someone else to notice because the truth is no one is coming to save you. And that's not a tragedy. That's actually an invitation. Here's your invitation to stop waiting, to stop hoping that someone else will make it easier, to stop tying your peace and your strength and your calm to circumstances you can't control. It's an invitation to pick up your own life and carry it differently. Not because you have to do it alone, but because you can do it.

even if you are alone. And when you realize that, when you really internalize that truth, that's when you stop feeling powerless. That's when you stop feeling stuck. That's when you reclaim your life, not by changing it, but by changing how you hold it. Friend, no one is coming to rescue you, but that's not bad news. That's actually freedom, because the moment you stop waiting for rescue, you take your own power back. You can still find peace. You can still choose

steadiness, not because life got easier, but because you got better at managing it. You're not broken, you're just burned out and there's a steadier way forward. You've got this, not because it's easy, but because you're capable. And you don't have to wait for anyone's permission to start feeling steady and strong again. And with that, take the time to list out these three different drains that I gave you. Do this assignment that I gave you today.

because you deserve that too. And with that, we'll talk again next week.