Ep. 179: Why Does Everything Fall on You? Maybe You’re the Default Parent

You've seen the memes. You've heard the term. Maybe you've even laughed at the jokes—the ones about being the family's human search engine, the walking calendar, the keeper of all knowledge about where the permission slips are, what size shoes everyone wears, and who has which food allergies.

But maybe today is the first time you realize—it's you.

You are the default parent.

You're the one who remembers the dentist appointments and coordinates the rides. You fill the fridge, sign the forms, and keep everything moving. You track the birthday parties, the project due dates, the medication schedules. You know which kid needs encouragement and which one needs space. You're the one everyone asks, even when someone else is standing right there.

You didn't pick this role. You didn't apply for it. You just couldn't let it all fall apart.

And here's what nobody tells you: that's not weakness. That's not you being a control freak. That's not you failing to delegate properly. That's you being deeply capable in a world that takes your capability for granted.

This episode isn't about blaming anyone else—or telling you for the hundredth time to delegate more. It's about helping you see who you are, without shame. To recognize the value you bring. And to stop gaslighting your own exhaustion.

Because you are exhausted, aren't you? Not in a "I need a vacation" way—though you probably do. But in a bone-deep, soul-tired way that doesn't get fixed with a weekend at the beach. It's the kind of tired that comes from being the one who holds it all together, all the time, without anyone really noticing until something doesn't get done.

Today we're flipping the default parent narrative. Not from default to disappeared. Not from responsible to reckless. But from default to empowered. You'll walk away understanding your own strength, recognizing where you need support, and owning your role without letting it erase you.

Let's dig in.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Daily Overwhelm Fix Kit
• The Intentional Mom Planning System

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Chapters

• 0:00 The Role of the Default Parent
• 0:44 Understanding Family Dynamics and Responsibilities
• 1:55 Understanding Default Parenting
• 9:52 Empowerment and Recognition
• 17:01 Navigating Life Transitions

Transcript

So default parenting is a term that is all the rage these days. But what is it? If you're the default parent, you're the one who remembers the dentist appointments and coordinates the rides. You fill the fridge, you sign the forms, and you keep everything moving. You track the birthday parties, the project due dates, the medication schedules. You know which kid needs encouragement and which one needs space. You're the one everyone asks, even when someone else is standing right there.

You didn't necessarily pick this role. You didn't apply for it. You just couldn't let it all fall apart. And here's what nobody tells you. That's not weakness. That's not you being a control freak. And that's not you failing to delegate properly. That's you being deeply capable in a world that takes you and your capability for granted. This episode isn't about blaming anyone else or telling you for the hundredth time to delegate more. It's about helping you to see who you are without shame.

to recognize the value that you bring and to stop gaslighting your own exhaustion. Because you are exhausted, aren't you? Not in a, need a vacation way, though you probably do, but more in a bone deep, soul tired way that doesn't get fixed with a weekend at the beach. It's the kind of tired that comes from being the one who holds it all together, all the time, without anyone really noticing until something doesn't get done.

So today we're going to be flipping the default parent narrative, not from default to disappeared, not from responsible to reckless, but from default to empowered. You'll walk away understanding your own strength, recognizing where you need support and owning your role without letting it erase you. So let's dig in. Now, first, let's get something straight. Being the default parent, isn't a failure to delegate. It's not about control. It's not even about martyrdom.

It's not because you're a perfectionist who can't let go or because you somehow enjoy carrying the mental load of an entire household. It's about being the one who won't let it drop. You're the safety net, the one who catches what everyone else misses, the one who thinks three steps ahead because if you don't know, if you don't chaos will follow. And honestly, that takes an enormous amount of skill, capacity and care. So let me tell you about last week.

I had several thousand kid shuttles to coordinate. Okay, it was probably more like seven, but it felt like 7,000. One kid had swim practice, another had some sort of meeting, someone needed to be picked up, and my car started making that noise again. You know the one. The, is going to cost you money you didn't budget for kind of noise. There was a swim meet coming up that required coordinating schedules with three schedules in our family alone. Three different meet schedules.

The laundry was piling up because everyone needed their specific stuff washed at the same time. And in the middle of all of this, my friend was texting asking if I could meet her on Friday for our standing margarita date. I almost said no, because in that moment, it felt like the most irresponsible thing I could possibly do, to take a couple of hours for myself when there was so much to manage. But here's what I realized, managing it all doesn't mean I have to martyr myself to do it all. And so I went.

I had the margarita, I laughed with my friend, and you know what? Everything still got done, not perfectly. My youngest wore mismatched socks to practice, and someone had to eat cereal for dinner. But you know what? It all got done. That's the coaching reframe I want you to hear today. You're not stuck. You're actually strong. And those are two completely different things. Being the default parent means that you have capacity. It means you're competent.

It means you care deeply about the people in your home and you're willing to show up even when it's hard. That's not something to apologize or feel bad for. That's something to recognize. But, and this is important, recognizing your strength, it doesn't mean also ignoring your exhaustion. It's likely that everywhere you turn, the advice is the same. Delegate more, ask for help, communicate your needs clearly, make a chore chart, have a family meeting, set boundaries.

And look, I'm not saying those things are wrong because they're not, but let's be honest about something the internet doesn't want to admit. Delegating often doesn't work in real life the way it works in theory. You can ask your spouse to handle the doctor's appointments, but if you're the one who still has to remember to ask, remind them twice, and then follow up to make sure it actually happened, have you really delegated? Or have you just added project management to your to-do list? You can make a chore chart for the kids, but you're the one who has to enforce it.

redirect them when they conveniently forget, and then hear the complaints about how it's not fair. Is this actually lightening your load, or is it just a different kind of labor? Here's the truth nobody wants to say out loud. Many men carry what they choose to carry while you carry the rest. Now, before you think I'm man bashing, I'm not. This isn't about blame. It's just about clarity. Because without clarity, you'll keep blaming yourself for not delegating better.

for not communicating more clearly, for somehow not being able to make other adults act like adults. But you know what? This isn't on you. You didn't fail at delegation. In reality, the system failed you. A system that assumes there's always going to be someone who cares enough to catch what falls. And you know what? There is. But that someone is you. The current conversation puts all the responsibility for change on the default parent. It essentially says, if you would just ask better, plan better.

Let go better. Everything would be fine. But that's gaslighting. That's taking the person who's already caring the most and asking them to carry the solution, too. So no, I'm not going to tell you to delegate more. Not today. Today, I'm going to tell you what you need to hear in order to see yourself more clearly. Being the default parent reveals something powerful about who you are. Let's call it for what it is. You are deeply capable.

You have a wide range of skills from emotional regulation to logistics to crisis management to creative problem solving. You can pivot on a dime when plans change. You can hold space for big feelings while simultaneously figuring out dinner. You can remember 17 different things that need to happen on Tuesday and still show up present when your kid needs to talk. That's not ordinary. That's extraordinary. You're the reason your household ecosystem works. Not because everyone else is incapable, but because you're the glue.

You're the one who sees the gaps and fills them. You're the one who notices when something's off and addresses it. You're the one who makes sure people feel cared for even when you don't feel cared for yourself. Default parent is not your only identity, but it's proof of your capacity. It's evidence that you are stronger, smarter, and more resilient than you have given yourself credit for. And here's what I need you to hear most. You didn't become the default parent because you're controlling

or because you can't let go. You became the default parent because you're good at it, because you care, because you have the emotional bandwidth and the practical skills to keep things running. But just because you can doesn't mean you should have to, at least not alone, not all the time, not without recognition or rest or support. So yes, you're strong, but you're also tired. And both of these things can be true at the same time.

And so the question isn't, how do I stop being the default parent? The question is, how do I be the default parent without disappearing inside that role? And that's really what we're here to talk about. So I've got five empowering shifts for default parents. Number one, celebrate who you are. Stop only seeing the gaps and start naming your gains. As humans,

We are truly wired to only see the gaps. And so that's where we live. But you know what you do? You make a mental list of everything that didn't get done, everything that went wrong, everyone you let down. That's your default setting. That's the gap setting. That's mine too. But what if just for today, you made a different sort of list? What if you wrote down what you did accomplish? Not the big Instagram-worthy stuff, the real stuff. You got everyone where they needed to be. You listened when your teenager was spiraling.

You handled the insurance call even though you hate making phone calls. You ordered groceries at midnight because it was the only time that you had. And you showed up even though you were running on fumes. That's not nothing. That's everything. Make a daily win list. Three things minimum. They don't have to be impressive. They just have to be true. Because when you start celebrating who you are, not who you think you should be, you stop measuring yourself against an impossible standard. You start seeing your own strength.

And that changes everything. So the first shift is celebrate who you are. The second shift is use compassion as a lens. Here's a question I ask my clients all the time. What would you tell your best friend if she were in your situation? Would you tell her she's failing, that she's not doing enough, that she just needs to try harder, be better, do more? No. You tell her she's doing an incredible job under impossible circumstances.

You tell her to rest. You tell her she deserves support. You tell her she's allowed to feel tired. So why are you telling yourself something different? Use compassion as a lens. Give yourself what you need in small, doable ways. Maybe that's 12 minutes of quiet before everyone wakes up. Maybe it's saying no to one extra thing this week. Maybe it's letting someone else handle dinner, even if it means pizza again. A 12-minute nap can change everything. Seriously.

Not a full sleep cycle, not a luxurious afternoon of rest, just 12 minutes where you close your eyes and let your nervous system rest. Trust me, I have tried all the numbers, 12 minutes, there's something magical. But the truth is you don't need permission to take care of yourself, but if you're waiting for it, here you go. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to need things. You are allowed to not be okay sometimes. Compassion isn't weakness, it's wisdom.

So shift number two is to use compassion as a lens. Shift number three, protect time for yourself without guilt. That Friday margarita with my friend, it's not extra, it's essential. Not because I need alcohol, though I do enjoy a good margarita, but because I need connection. I need laughter. I need to be Jennifer, not just mom or wife or coach. I need to remember who I am outside of everyone else's needs.

And I almost didn't go because I felt guilty. Guilt is a thief. It steals your joy, your rest, your presence, and it shows up wearing a hundred different disguises. Sometimes it looks like responsibility. Sometimes it sounds like should. Beware the should, by the way. Should is almost always someone else's voice in your head telling you what matters. But what if you decided for yourself? What if you protected time for yourself the way that you protect time for everyone else?

What if you put it on the calendar and didn't negotiate it away? What if you stopped treating your own needs as optional? Here's the truth. You will always have reasons not to take care of yourself. There will always be something more urgent, someone who needs you more, a task that feels more important. But urgency, it isn't the same as importance. And you are important too. Your rest matters. Your friendships, they matter. Your mental health matters.

Not because they make you a better mom or a wife or an employee, but because you matter, period. Stop abandoning yourself to show up for everyone else. That's not love. That's self-eraser. So shift number three, protect time with yourself without guilt. Leverage practical systems. That's shift number four. You're not failing because you need structure. You're struggling because you're trying to manage chaos without a framework. Let me say that again.

Needing systems doesn't mean you're not capable. It means you're smart enough to know that white-knuckling your way through life, it isn't sustainable. Think about it. You wouldn't expect a business to run without systems. You wouldn't expect a team to function without clear roles and processes. So why would you expect yourself to manage an entire household with all its moving parts without any structure? Systems aren't about control. They're about support.

They're about taking the burden off your brain so you're not constantly making decisions, remembering the details and figuring out what comes next. And here's the thing, you probably already have systems, you just haven't named them or refined them. That mental checklist that you run through every morning, that's actually a system. The way you batch errands to save time, that's a system too. That rotating meal plan that you kind of follow, that's a system. The problem is most of your systems live in your head.

which means no one else can see them, help with them, or take over when you need a break. That's where something like the intentional non-planning system comes in. It's not about adding more to your plate. It's about creating a framework that actually fits your life, not some idealized version of your life, but the messy real one that you're actually living. It's about getting your systems out of your head and onto paper so you can stop recreating the wheel every single day. Shift number four is leverage.

practical systems. Shift number five is create a daily schedule that reflects reality. Whether you have too much time or too little, a framework saves you from decision fatigue. Here's what's true about being the default parent. It's not just one season, it's many. Right now you might be in the thick of it, juggling carpools, managing schedules for multiple people, coordinating who needs to be where when. You can't see straight because there's always something, someone always needs you.

The calendar is color-coded chaos, and you're just trying to survive until bedtime. Or maybe you're on the other side. The kids are older now. They're driving themselves, making their own plans, living their own lives, and suddenly, the role that defined you for 20 years, it's fading. The default parent job description is changing, and nobody handed you a new one. Both of these kinds of women are default parents. Both are struggling. And both need the same thing, a framework that fits the life they're actually living. Because...

Here's what nobody tells you. Being the default parent doesn't end when your kids get older. It just changes shape. And that transition, the one from managing everyone's everything to managing mostly yourself, it can be just as disorienting as the chaos ever was. So let's talk about both. If you're in the thick of it, I know what you're thinking. I don't have time to make a schedule. But here's the truth. Not having a schedule is costing you more time than making one ever would.

Every time you have to decide what to do next, your brain uses energy. Every time you forget something and have to backtrack, you lose time. Every time you feel overwhelmed by everything on your mental to-do list, you waste capacity and stress instead of action. You need a framework, not because you're failing, but because you're juggling too much to and you're holding it all in your head. A daily schedule, it's not about rigidity. It's about having a structure that catches what would otherwise fall through the cracks.

But here's something that nobody talks about. Having too much time, it can be just as disorienting as having too little. A lot of women in midlife have kids who are older. They're not driving kids to and from all their things anymore. The kids are driving themselves. They're not making meals every night. Sometimes they're not really making family meals much at all because the kids are off somewhere, work, friends, sports, their own lives. And dinner just isn't the stressful event that it was when all the kids were at home demanding attention and needing the things

making noise. Maybe you're even in the process of becoming an empty nester. The house that used to feel too small now feels too quiet. The calendar that used to be packed with soccer games and parent-teacher conferences and birthday parties, it's suddenly blank. And you don't know what to do with that. You spent years, decades maybe, running from one thing to another. Your identity was built around being needed. Your days had structure because everyone else's needs created that structure for you. You knew who you were.

You were the mom who showed up, the one who kept it all running, the default parent. But now you're supposed to manage your own time, except you're so used to responding to everyone else's schedule that you have no idea how to manage a blank slate of time. This is the challenge that comes when you don't have all the family management stuff to manage anymore, and suddenly you're the one managing your own time, your days, your purpose. And it feels harder than it should, doesn't it? Because at least when you were overwhelmed, you knew what to do next.

There was always something to do next. Someone always needed you. But now you have hours stretching in front of you and you find yourself scrolling, puttering around, starting projects you don't finish, feeling restless and guilty and lost all at once. This is when systems that support your life, the actual life you have now, become arguably even more important. Because here's what I've learned in my coaching practice. The women who come to me for time management help are equally divided between the women who have packed schedules

and those who have empty ones. The women with packed schedules, they need systems to create space. The women with empty schedules need systems to create structure. Both are struggling. Both feel like they're failing. Both assume the problem is them, but it's not. This is just one example of how midlife changes the role that women and moms have. The problem isn't that you're doing something wrong. The problem is that life is different, but we often fail to see that.

We just noticed that we feel different as a result and assume something's broken in us. But nothing's broken in you. Your life changed. Your role changed. Your kids grew up. Your responsibilities shifted and nobody, not one person, sat you down and said, hey, the skills that got you through the last 20 years, well, hey, they're not going to work for this season. You're going to need a different set of tools now. If you spent years being the default parent, managing everyone else's schedule, you became really good at external management.

But maybe you never had to develop internal direction. You never had to ask yourself, but what do I want to do with my time? What matters to me now? Who am I when I'm not responding to someone else's needs? Those are hard questions and a blank calendar makes them unavoidable. A daily structure isn't about rigidity. It's about following a perfect, it's not about following a perfect routine or color coding every hour. It's about having a framework, a general structure.

that helps you move through your day without constantly having to figure out what comes next. Whether you need a framework because you have 17 things happening at once or because you have nothing happening and that terrifies you. It serves the same purpose. It gives your brain a place to land. And this is something that you can create inside the intentional non-planning system. I've got a preview of the full planning system including the daily snapshot which

is a daily planner I created that will help you figure out how to fit your day together in a way that promotes efficiency rather than the endless pursuit of doing more. I've got that for you too, because that's what most planners get wrong. They're designed to help you do more, add more tasks, fit in more, be more productive. But as the default parent, I can tell you, you don't need to do more. You need to do what matters with less stress and more clarity.

that daily snapshot, it helps you see your day at a glance. It helps you build in margin because life happens. It helps you prioritize what actually matters instead of just reaching to what's screaming the loudest. And for those of you with too much unstructured time, it helps you create intentional rhythm. Not because you need to fill every minute, but because having some structure, even loose structure, gives you direction.

It helps you remember that you still matter even when no one else needs you in the same way they used to. None of this is about perfection. It's always about progress. It's about having a plan you can actually follow and permission to adjust when life throws you a curve ball or when life suddenly gets quiet and you realize you don't know who you are in the quiet. Here's what I know. You're still you. You're just entering a new season and new seasons, they require new tools.

So let me bring this all to a close with this. You're not failing. You're not broken in some way. You're not too much. You're not a martyr. You're just a woman who has shown up again and again without applause, often without rest, and also without letting it fall apart. You've carried more than anyone, probably even you, sees. You've held more than anyone knows. And you've done it while still trying to be patient, present, and kind.

That's not a failure of any kind. That's actually a superpower. But you don't have to disappear inside that role. You can lead your own life and love your people. You can set it down sometimes. You can ask for help, even if no one shows up. And you can build systems that serve you, not that suffocate you. Being the default parent, doesn't mean that you're stuck. It actually means that you're strong.

But strength doesn't mean that you don't need support. It doesn't mean that you don't deserve rest, and it doesn't mean that you have to do it all alone. Yes, it could very well be that you are the default parent. And that says a lot. Not about what you carry, but about who you are. You're capable. You're resilient. And you know what? You're deeply needed. But you're also allowed to be tired, to need help, to want something different. Both things are true.

Now, go rest for 12 minutes, then come back to this with fresh eyes and fresh ears. You've got this. And if you want help building that scheduler system, the Intentional Mom Planning System is where to start. You can find it at theintentionalmomplanningsystem.com. It's built for women like you, the ones who carry it all, but don't want to get lost in the process. It's not about doing more. It's about doing what matters with less chaos and more peace. You deserve that. You've always

deserved that. And it's truly possible to find. But it all starts with seeing who you are. And if you've seen who you are today, I'm so glad to have shown that to you. Make sure you share this with someone who you know needs to hear it as well. And while you're at it, we would love it if you would leave us a five-star review. It's what helps that algorithm get us out into the universe. More women need to be having this conversation. And until we talk again, make it an intentional day.