Ep. 180: "What If I Don't Even Love Him Anymore?"

Can we talk about the thing you've been thinking but haven't said out loud?

The thing that makes your stomach drop when it crosses your mind at 2 a.m.?

The question that feels too scary, too final, too real to even whisper:

"What if I don't even love him anymore?"

Maybe you've been wondering this for weeks. Maybe months. Maybe it hit you out of nowhere last Tuesday when he walked in the door and you felt... nothing.

Not anger. Not warmth. Just... empty.

And now you're terrified. Because what does that mean? About you? About your marriage? About the life you've built? We’re unpacking this in this episode - which is part one of TEN episodes in this series called: Marriage Conversations Midlife Besties Are Having (But Afraid to Say Out Loud)

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Free guide: He Doesn't Get It (Yet): How to Help Him See What You're Carrying—Without Starting Another Fight - GET IT HERE
• Check out all the marriage resources at: https://www.jenniferroskamp.com/midlife-marriages-maps

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Chapters

• 0:00 Facing the Unspoken Fears in Marriage
• 1:29 Understanding Love and Emotional Disconnect
• 3:06 Understanding the Midlife Marriage Crisis
• 22:11 The Weight of Emotional Labor

Transcript

I remember the first time a client said this to me. We were a few weeks into our coaching together. She'd been working on her morning routine, her mental clutter, her capacity. And then one day out of nowhere, she said, Jennifer, I don't know if I even love my husband anymore. And I'm scared to death that this is who I am now. Her voice cracked. She was waiting for me to tell her she was wrong or broken or that she needed marriage counseling immediately. But here's what I told her instead.

You didn't fall out of love. You fell under the weight of everything that changed while he stayed exactly the same. And that's really what I want you to know before we go any further. This feeling, this wondering, this terrifying question that's been haunting you, it's not a sign that your marriage is over. It's a sign that someone needs to shift. Something needs to shift and fast.

This is episode one of a new series I'm calling, Marriage Conversations Midlife Besties Are Having, But Afraid to Say Out Loud. And if you're here, you're not alone, not even close. Well, hey, I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and this is the Intentional Midlife Mom Podcast. Welcome today. So maybe you're coming back to this episode, or maybe this is your first time here. Welcome. I'm so glad you're here. This episode is going to be different from what we usually do. We're not

talking about morning routines or how to declutter your kitchen. We're talking about the thing that's keeping you up at night, the relationship you're not sure you recognize anymore. And by the end of this conversation today, here's what I want you to walk away with. Understanding of what this feeling is really about. Permission to stop shaming yourself for wondering. And clarity, not confusion, about what comes next.

Because wondering if you still love your husband, it isn't a crisis, it's actually a checkpoint. And we're gonna say the quiet parts out loud. So let's go.

Well, I need you to hear this first. You're not the only one asking this question, not by a long shot. Pretty much every one of my clients at some point in our work together, if they're married, they haven't admitted some version of this. And sometimes it sounds like, I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. Or I look at him and I just feel numb. Or I don't think I even like him right now. Or I'm not sure we're compatible anymore. Or.

I wonder if I'd be happier alone. And when they say that, their voice always gets quiet, they're shaky, and they're ashamed because they think they're the only one. They think they're cold. They think they're ungrateful. They think they're broken. They look around at other couples, the ones posting anniversary pictures on social media, the ones who still hold hands at church, and they think, what's wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? But here's the truth.

These women are thinking this not because they don't love their husbands. It's because they no longer recognize themselves. Think about it. When you don't know who you are anymore, when your body has betrayed you, your energy is gone and your bandwidth is maxed out. How are you supposed to know what you feel about anything? When you look in the mirror and you don't recognize the woman staring back at you,

When you've spent so many years being everything for everyone that you've completely lost track of what you actually want or need. When you're running on empty and no one, not even the person sleeping next to you seems to notice. How are you supposed to access love, connection, desire? You can't. You're buried. You're not broken. You're buried. You're buried under the invisible load that you've been carrying for years.

This is the mental and emotional labor that no one sees, but you feel every single day. Then you've got the hormonal chaos your body is going through. There's the weight gain, the insomnia, the mood swings. These things make you feel like you're losing your mind. Then we've got the weight of teenagers with real problems. Maybe it's aging parents who need you, a job that demands more, a home that never stays clean. Then there's the exhaustion of being the family calendar.

the emotional thermostat, the conflict mediator, the problem solver, the one who remembers everything. And the loneliness of carrying all of this while everyone around you just keeps living their lives like nothing has changed. This is part of your reality. And in the middle of all of these things, you look at your husband, the man you chose, the man you built a life with, and you feel disconnected. Not because you're cold, not because you're ungrateful, but because you're burned out and unseen.

There's a difference between falling out of love and being too exhausted to feel anything. There's a difference between not loving someone and not having the emotional bandwidth to access that love because you're drowning. And here's what I've learned after years of coaching midlife women. The love didn't leave. It just got buried underneath everything else. Your capacity to connect, to feel warmth, to experience desire, all of that requires emotional space.

And right now, you don't have any. Every ounce of energy you have is going towards survival, towards keeping everything from falling apart, towards holding it all together. So when you look at your husband and feel nothing, that's not the end of your marriage. That's your nervous system telling you it's at capacity. Let me tell you what has probably happened. 10 years ago, maybe even five, the imbalance in your marriage, it didn't feel as heavy.

The kids were smaller, the demands were different. You still had margin. You still had the illusion of control. And your body, well, for the most part, your body was likely still cooperating. You could push through exhaustion. You could bounce back from sleepless nights. You could handle stress without completely unraveling. If your husband forgot to do something, you could just do it yourself. If he missed the emotional subtext of a conversation with your teenager, you could step in and smooth it over. You were the shock absorber.

And honestly, that worked for a while, maybe for a good long while, but now, now your body's changing in ways you didn't expect and cannot control. Weight that won't budge no matter what you do, insomnia that leaves you staring at the ceiling at 3 a.m. mind racing. Emotions that swing from numb to rage in the span of a commercial break. Hot flashes that make you want to crawl out of your own skin. Brain fog that has you forgetting your words mid-sentence.

exhaustion so deep you could cry just thinking about everything on your to-do list. And the kids, they're not little anymore. They're not asking for snacks and band-aids. They're teenagers with real problems or young adults who are struggling and you can't fix it for them with a hug, with a pep talk or with anything. You're worried about their mental health, their choices, their futures. You're lying awake at night wondering if they're going to be okay.

if you did enough, if you said the right thing, or if you completely screwed it all up. You're managing everyone's feelings, theirs, yours, your husband's, while you get shoved to the back burner again. And in the middle of all of this, your husband is still doing what he's always done. And he thinks that should be enough. He's mowing the lawn, he's picking up dinner when you're too tired to cook, he's handling his areas, the garage, the cars, the yard work. And when you tell him you need more, he says,

But I am helping. I just mowed the lawn. I picked up dinner last night. What more do you want from me? And you want to scream because here's the thing. He's operating like nothing has changed. He hasn't had to adapt. He hasn't had to stretch. He hasn't had to evolve, at least not the same way, because you absorbed the change. You compensated for it.

Let me give you an example from my own life. There was a season not that long ago where I was completely burned out. I teach women boundaries. I preach self-care. I coach women on how to not over function. And I ignored all of it because my family was tuned out and I was exhausted from the constant pushback from asking for help and getting excuses from trying to explain what I needed and being met with defensiveness or blank stares. So I just did it. I did it all.

because it felt easier than fighting, easier than the rejection of asking for help and not getting it. And my husband, he had no idea because I kept functioning. I kept smiling, I kept showing up until I couldn't do it anymore. And when I finally broke down and told him how burned out I was, do you know what he said? I had no idea you seemed fine. That's what midlife marriage looks like for so many women. You grow, you stretch, you adapt because you have to. And he...

He stays the same, not because he's a bad guy, but because he doesn't have to change, because you've been absorbing all the changes for him. And now the gap between who you've become and who he still thinks you are feels impossibly wide. He thinks you're angry. You're actually exasperated. He thinks you're bitter. You're actually buried. He misreads your quiet as coldness. He doesn't get curious. He just pulls back because he doesn't know what else to do. And when you try to explain what you're carrying,

He hears criticism, he gets defensive, he shuts down. Or worse, he says, you've changed. And you know what? He's right. You have changed because you had to. Your body changed, your kids changed, your capacity changed, the weight of life changed, everything changed. And you adapted, you evolved, you grew. But he hasn't noticed why. He hasn't asked what life has been like for you. He hasn't said, what do you need from me that you're not getting?

He hasn't gotten curious about the load you're carrying or the weight you're holding. He just keeps doing what he's always done and wonders why it doesn't feel like enough anymore. And here's the truth. It's not enough anymore. Not because he's failing, but because the load grew up and the partnership didn't. Here's the truth bomb you need to hear. She doesn't just want him to do more. If you are a man listening to this, no, she doesn't just want you to do

more. You want him to notice more and then do things that actually lighten the load you're carrying now. We don't want the flowers. We don't want the token gestures. Not the surface level I grabbed dinner efforts. But we, we women, we need real relevant stuff. The conversation with a struggling teen, the one that requires listening, empathy, and follow through.

the emotional labor of planning, anticipating, and problem solving before the crisis hits, the things that you don't even have to ask for because he was paying attention and saw the need. You don't want him to perform partnership. You want him to practice it with eyes open, sleeves rolled up, and a willingness to carry his share of what's real, not just what's easy. And so,

Here's what I need you to understand. The problem isn't that you don't love him. The problem is that you can't keep pretending it's working when you're the only one working. This really is the midlife marriage truth that nobody talks about. You can love someone deeply and still be drowning in resentment. You can be committed to your marriage and still be furious that you're carrying it alone. You can want this to work and still wonder if it's worth the cost to your own wellbeing.

Because love doesn't survive on good intentions and surface level effort. It survives on partnership, on seeing, on sharing, on showing up for the weight that's actually being carried, not just the weight that's visible. And so right now, you don't need romance. You need redistribution. Let me say that again, because this is so important. You don't need date nights and flowers. You need someone who says, I see how tired you are.

What can I take off your plate? You need someone who says, I know you're worried about our kid. Let's figure this out together. Or maybe I didn't realize you were carrying all of that. I'm sorry, I want to help. Or maybe what's one thing I could do today that would actually make your life easier? You need a partner who doesn't just react when you're at your breaking point. You need a partner who pays attention before you break, who notices when you're quiet and doesn't assume it's about him.

You're sharp when you're withdrawing. You need him to notice. And instead of pulling back or getting defensive, get curious. What's going on? What are you carrying right now that I don't see? But here's what most people don't understand about midlife marriage. The marriage isn't failing. It's just breaking under the weight of old roles in a new season. Let me say that again.

The thing about midlife marriages is that it's breaking under the weight of old roles in a new season. The partnership model that worked when the kids were little, it does not work anymore. Back then, the load was different. It was mostly visible. It was physical work. Diapers, bottles, bedtime routines, carpools. He could help with those things. He could see them. He could check them off. But now, now the load is invisible. It's the mental and emotional labor of worrying about whether your teenager is depressed or just moody.

managing the family calendar and everyone else's schedules, which needs a full on color coded spreadsheet. It's keeping track of who needs what when it's being the emotional thermostat for the entire household. It's holding space for everyone's feelings while years get ignored. It's planning for the future while managing the chaos of right now. It's carrying the weight of decisions that no one else even knows need to be made. And your husband, he doesn't see any of that.

Not because he's cruel or malicious, but because he's never had to carry it. So when he picks up dinner or mows the lawn, he genuinely thinks he's helping. He's doing his part. And maybe 10 years ago, that was enough. That was his part. But the roles that felt balanced when the kids were little are crushing you now because life got heavier. The kids got older. The problems got bigger. The emotional load grew up and the marriage didn't evolve with it. That's not a failing on your part.

That's not a failing on his part. It's just a lack of awareness. He doesn't know what he doesn't know. He's still operating from the playbook of 10 years ago because no one told him the game has changed. And you, you've been too exhausted to explain it, too resentful to ask, too hurt that he hasn't noticed on his own. And so you keep carrying it and he keeps doing what he's always done. And the gap, it keeps widening until one day you wake up and you think things like, I don't even know if I love him anymore.

But here's what I need you to hear. That thought, it's most likely not the end. It's the wake up call. It's your heart saying, this has to change and I can't keep doing this. And this can actually be a gift because awareness is where change begins. You can't rebuild a partnership that's already working, but you can rebuild one that's broken if, if and only if both people are willing to see what's truly happening. And here's the truth.

You don't need to burn it all down. You need to rebuild it with clarity, honesty, and a willingness to redistribute the load. Not 50-50, because that's a myth and we all know it, but sustainable, realistic, honest about what you're each actually carrying and being willing to shift. Because right now the weight isn't balanced, not even close. And love can't survive underneath that kind of pressure forever.

So let's come back to that original question. What if I don't even love him anymore? Here's what I want you to consider. The fact that you're asking the question, it means that you care. And if you didn't truly love him, you wouldn't be agonizing over this. You wouldn't be lying awake at night wondering what's wrong with you. You wouldn't be listening to this podcast right now hoping to find an answer. You're here, you're searching. You're trying to figure out what's happening inside your heart. And that tells me and you something important. You're not done, you're just exhausted.

And somewhere underneath the exhaustion, the resentment, the disconnection, there's still something. A memory of who you used to be together. A flicker of hope that maybe, maybe it doesn't have to stay like this. A quiet voice that says, I don't want to give up. I know it just has to be different. That question you're asking, the one that's keeping you up at night, it's not the end, it's the signal. It's your heart and everything inside your being saying,

Something needs to change. I can't keep doing this. I need to be seen. I matter too. And that signal is actually a good thing because it means that something inside you is waking up. It means you're not willing to disappear anymore. It means you're not willing to settle for a marriage where you're invisible, exhausted and alone, even when you're not alone. And it means that it's time for a different kind of conversation. One that actually includes you.

not just your kids, not just the household, not just everyone else's needs, but you. A conversation that includes you, your exhaustion, your resentment, your needs, your breaking point. Because here's what I know from coaching hundreds of women through this exact season and being in this exact same season myself. Most marriages struggle, not because the love is gone, but because one person is tired of begging to be seen.

Women try everything, hinting, helping him understand, direct asks, silence, screaming, breaking down, and when none of it works, they start to believe, if he wanted to see me, he would. If he cared, he'd be curious. If this mattered to him, he'd try. And that realization that he's capable of change, but just isn't choosing it, that's what breaks a woman's heart. It's not the load, it's not the exhaustion, it's the feeling of being invisible to the person who's supposed to see you most.

But here's the thing, most of the time, it's actually not indifference, it's obliviousness. He genuinely doesn't see what you're carrying because he's never had to carry it. He genuinely doesn't understand why you're so upset about the little things because he has the bandwidth to absorb little things. He genuinely thinks everything is fine because you keep functioning and that's the trap.

The more you hold it all together, the less urgency he feels to change. So what do you do? You stop holding it together, not by having a breakdown, though sometimes that happens too, but by being honest, uncomfortably, vulnerably, messily honest. You say things like, I need you to know that I'm not okay, and I haven't been for a while. You need to say things like, I need you to know that the way we're doing this isn't working for me anymore.

You need to say things like, I need you to know that I'm exhausted and lonely and something has to change. That's not a threat. You're not threatening and you're not giving ultimatums. You're simply sharing the truth. And sometimes the truth is the only thing that wakes someone up. Now, will he hear it? Will he get it? Will he change? I can't promise that. But what I can tell you is this, you deserve to be seen, not because you earned it.

But because you're his wife, his partner, the woman who's been holding his life together, well, her own falls apart. You owe it to yourself and honestly to him too, to give him the chance to understand what's really happening. Because most men, they're not mind readers, not even close. They're not even particularly observant when it comes to emotional nuances. But most of them, when they finally understand what's at stake, they try. Not perfectly, not immediately.

but they try and that's where hope lives. Not in perfection, not in him suddenly becoming a different person, but in awareness, in willingness, in showing up differently because he finally understands what you need. And here's, here's what I've seen happen over and over again. When she finally finds the word to name what she's carrying and he finally has the awareness to see it,

things start to shift. Not overnight, not magically, but slowly, steadily, in small ways that start to add up. And that numbness that you've been feeling, that disconnection, it starts to thaw. Because connection requires two things, being seen and being known. And right now, you're neither. But that can change. Here's what I know for sure. You don't need to start over. You just need to stop disappearing.

You don't need to burn it all down. You need to rebuild it with clarity, honesty, and partnership. And that starts with language, with being able to say, hey, this is what I'm carrying. This is what I need. This is what has to change. But here's the hard part. Most of us don't have that language. We know we're exhausted. We know we're resentful. We know something's wrong. But when someone asks us, what do you need, we freeze. Because we've been so busy managing everyone else's needs that we've completely lost track of our own. And

When we try to explain what we're carrying, it comes out wrong. It sounds like criticism, like nagging, like we're just angry all the time. And when he gets defensive, then we shut down and nothing changes. So we give up trying to explain and resentment grows and the distance widens. And then one day we wake up wondering if we even love him anymore. This is why I am starting to create resources for you.

and for you to share with your husband. I've created something and it's called, He Doesn't Get It Yet, and how to help him see what you're carrying without starting another fight. This is a resource that I've created and when it's ready to go, we'll link it down in the show notes. Maybe you'll be listening to this episode and it will already be there. It's a short, practical guide and it's grounded. And it's gonna help you identify what you're actually carrying.

the visible and the invisible load. It's gonna help you understand why he hasn't noticed and it's not what you think. It's gonna help you find language that helps him see what he's been missing and it's gonna help you start a conversation that might actually lead to reconnection. Because here's what I believe. Most marriages can heal when both people finally understand what's happening. And right now, he does not understand. Not because he doesn't care, but because he doesn't see.

And I don't want you to spend another year, another month, another week wondering if you still love him when the real question is, can we rebuild this marriage so I feel seen again? And the answer to that is yes, if both people are willing. You deserve to be seen. You deserve to be heard. You deserve a partner who shows up for you to see what you're actually carrying. And he deserves the chance to step up once he knows what that actually looks like. So.

Check out the guide, read it, sit with it. And when you're ready, use it to start the conversation that might change everything. There is a bunch of resources that we are creating for you. I am creating these for you and you will see these as these become available at midlifemarriages.com. Make sure you check the show notes below as well because when we have that free resource for you, we'll link it there.

Know that if this episode resonated with you, if you found yourself nodding along, crying alone in your car, or taking a screenshot to send to your therapist, send it to your midlife bestie. The one who always says she's fine, but you know she's not. The one who's been quietly withdrawn. And maybe the one who's been a little too sharp with her husband. She's been thinking the same thing as you have. You've even talked about it. She's been wondering the same questions. Maybe she just hasn't said it out loud yet. And maybe.

Maybe this episode will help her feel less alone too. Because that's what we're doing here. This is the first of 10 episodes in this series that's all about navigating midlife marriages because the playbook has changed and only one of you feels the weight of that. We're creating a space for conversations that midlife women are having in private, but really are too scared to say out loud. The hard ones, the messy ones, the ones that make us feel guilty or broken or ungrateful, but also these are the honest ones.

the ones that might actually save our marriages by finally bringing the truth into the light. And so in the next episode, we're diving into he's still doing what he always does. So why does it feel so wrong now? And we're gonna talk about how the invisible load grows up when your kids do and why midlife marriages start to crack under the weight of old roles in a new season. Because here's the truth, he's not doing nothing, he's done what he's always done.

But the load has changed. You changed. The needs changed. And the partnership didn't evolve along with these changes. And so we're going to unpack that. And I'm going to give you language for really what you've been feeling but couldn't quite name. Until then, friend, give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. You're not crazy. You're not cold. You're not broken. You're just ready for something different. And that's allowed. In fact, it's necessary because it's true. You can't keep living like this, and you know it.

So take a breath, download the guide from the show notes and start believing that change is possible. Not because your marriage is perfect, but because you're finally ready to stop pretending that it is. And when you stop pretending, that's when the real healing can begin.