The Intentional Midlife Mom Podcast | Simple, Practical Life, Home & Mindset Solutions for Moms Over 40

Ep. 181: He's Still Doing What He's Always Done — So Why Does It Feel So Wrong Now?

• Season 2 • Episode 181

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Let's talk about the thing that's making you feel crazy.

He's not doing nothing.

He's mowing the lawn. Picking up dinner. Handling his side of things.

He's doing what he's always done.

But now? It doesn't feel like enough—because it isn't.

The load changed. You changed. The needs changed.

And the marriage? It didn't evolve.

So you're standing there thinking:

"Why does everything feel so off—even though nothing has technically changed?"

And the answer is this:

It's not wrong. It's just outdated.

What used to feel like partnership now feels like a checklist.

What used to feel like love now feels like going through the motions.

And you're not being ungrateful or impossible to please.

You're just done pretending that lawn care equals emotional support.

This is Episode 2 of the series:
 "Marriage Conversations Midlife Besties Are Having (But Afraid to Say Out Loud)."

Let's dive in.

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So welcome back, friend. If this is your first time here, welcome. And if someone shared this episode with you, know that this is a powerful episode. It's actually one of 10 in this series that midlife women, we need to be having these conversations. in episode one, last time, we talked about really that terrifying question that so many midlife women are asking. What if I don't even love him anymore? And we unpacked why that feeling isn't about the marriage being over.

And it isn't about that at all. It's about being buried under the weight of everything that you're now carrying alone. This week, we're to be going deeper. So if you haven't listened to the previous episode, make sure you do that. Because we're moving on. And here's what I keep hearing from women. They say he's helping. And technically, he is. But it's not what I need. And I don't know how to explain that without sounding ungrateful and starting yet another fight. And so here's what we're going to unpack today.

We're going to talk about why his version of effort doesn't land anymore. We're going to talk about how the invisible load evolved and why he hasn't evolved with it. And we're going to talk about what you actually need from him and how to find language for it. By the end of this episode, you'll have words for what you've been feeling but couldn't quite name. So let's go. Well, here's what's probably happening in your marriage right now. He's still doing the things he's always done. He picks up dinner when you're too tired to cook.

He keeps the kitchen clean at night some of the time or most of the time when you ask. He mows the lawn. He handles the cars. He takes care of his areas some or most of the time. And of course, he works. But when you say you need more help, he looks at you like you're speaking a different language. But I am helping. What more do you want from me? And you want to scream because what he's doing, it doesn't touch the weight that you're actually carrying right now. 10 years ago, maybe even five.

His contributions felt meaningful and helpful. The lawn mattered. Dinner mattered. Keeping the visible parts of life running mattered. You were juggling preschoolers and maybe elementary age kids or maybe even junior high kids. The physical tasks, they were endless. Someone needed to keep the grass from becoming a jungle. Someone needed to make sure there was food in the house. Someone needed to handle the cars, the trash, the basic maintenance of life. And he did some or all of those things consistently.

Consistently, for the most part, reliably, mostly. And back then it helped, it really did. But now? Now you're drowning in decisions and worry and emotional weight, and he's offering you lawn care. Your teenager is struggling with anxiety, and he's asking if you saw how good the yard looks. Your adult child just moved home after a breakup, and your husband is proud of himself for picking a pizza. And you're lying awake at 3 a.m. worrying about college tuition, aging parents.

and whether your marriage is ever going to survive this season and he's checking off lawn mode and he feels like he just won partnership of the year. But let me be clear, what he's doing isn't wrong. It's just not relevant anymore. The load evolved, life got heavier, the problems got bigger and the partnership, it stayed the same. And so here's the truth. What used to feel like love now feels like a checkbox, not because he stopped caring, but because

What you need from him now is completely different from what you needed 10 years ago. Back then, you needed him to handle these physical tasks, the heavy lifting, some of the visible stuff. But now, you need his help handling the emotional weight, the conversation with the struggling teenager, the one that requires more than just try harder, the strategic thinking about your adult child's choices, the kind that keeps you up at night and the mental load of planning, anticipating, and problem solving.

before things become a full out crisis. You don't need him to mow the lawn, let the grass grow, seriously. There are things that really matter that need to be dealt with now. You need him to sit in the hard stuff with you, to be present for the conversations that don't have easy answers, to worry with you, not dismiss your worry as overreacting, to think ahead with you about what's coming, not just react when it's already here. But he doesn't know that.

because no one told him the game changed. The rule book from 10 years ago, it's outdated, but he's still following it because that's what worked before. And you've been too exhausted to explain it because explaining it feels like one more thing you have to manage. One more emotional labor task to add to the pile. And really, he's not all that good at listening. With all the complexities of life, your marriage feels more like a battleground these days. And so why bother? So he keeps doing what he's always done.

feeling proud of himself for being consistent, for showing up, for helping most of the time. And really, whether he does or doesn't do that stuff, it really all feels the same to you because you keep feeling invisible, unseen, unsupported, alone in the weight of what really matters, and the gap keeps widening. Here's what's actually happened. 10 years ago, you had the margin to let things slide. If he forgot something, you could just do it yourself.

If he missed the emotional subtext of a conversation, you could step in and smooth it over. If he didn't anticipate a need, you could manage it without falling apart. You were the shock absorber, the buffer, the one who kept everything running smoothly. And honestly, that worked until it didn't because now, now your bandwidth is gone, completely, utterly gone. You're maxed out, tapped out, running on fumes and even small things feel huge because there's no room left to absorb more. The dishwasher he forgot to empty.

Well, 10 years ago, you would have just emptied it and moved on. But now? Now it feels like the last straw. Not because you're being dramatic, but because you're already depleted. So let me paint you a picture of what depletion actually looks like. You wake up tired. Before your feet hit the floor, you're mentally running through everything that needs to happen today. Who has what appointment? Who needs to be where? What's for dinner? What bills are due? What conversation you've been avoiding, but can't avoid anymore. Your body's changing. Your energy, gone.

Your hormones, they are betraying you. Hot flashes wake you up at night. Brain fog makes you forget what you walked into a room for and your patience, it is paper thin. You're managing teenagers with real problems. Depression, anxiety, friend drama that actually matters now, or adult kids who are struggling. Relationships ending, jobs falling through, life not turning out the way that they planned, and you're worried sick about them, lying awake wondering if they're gonna be okay. If you did enough, if you said the right thing. Maybe you're managing aging parents who need you more and more.

There's doctor's appointments, there's medication schedules, the slow heartbreaking realization that the roles are reversing between you and your parents. You're carrying the mental load of everyone's schedules, everyone's emotions, everyone's needs. You're the family calendar, the emotional thermostat, the conflict mediator, the problem solver, the one who remembers everything and carries the weight of everything that no one else is tracking. And there's just nothing left. Your emotional reserves, they're empty. Your physical energy, gone.

Your capacity to absorb one more thing without breaking? Non-existent. So when he does the thing he's always done and it's not the thing you actually need, you snap. Not because you're mean and not because you're ungrateful, but because you don't have the bandwidth to absorb his obliviousness anymore. And so the dishwasher, becomes the tipping point. Not because it actually matters, but because it represents everything he's not seeing. All the invisible labor.

all the mental load, all the emotional weight that you are carrying alone. And when you finally say something, when you finally can't hold it in anymore, he thinks you're overreacting. He says things like, it's just a dishwasher. Why are you so upset? I was going to get to it. You're too sensitive. Why were you so easy going 10 years ago? What happened to that person? And that, that statement right there, it makes it worse because here's what he doesn't understand. Your frustration isn't about the dishwasher.

It's about the depletion. It's about the fact that you've been asking, begging, hinting for him to see what you're carrying, and he's still focused on the lawn. You've tried to tell him you're overwhelmed. You've tried to explain that you need more. You've tried hints, direct asks, silence, everything, and nothing has landed. And so now you finally speak up loudly, messily, and maybe even angrily. And when you do, he thinks you've changed. He thinks you're overreacting, too emotional, too hormonal, too critical.

Because from where he's standing, nothing has changed. He's doing what he's always done. He's being consistent. He's showing up most of the time. But from where you're standing, everything has changed. You changed. Your body changed. Your capacity changed. The kids changed. The problems changed. The weight of life changed. Everything evolved and he hasn't noticed. So yes, you're speaking up now, maybe louder than you used to, not because you're being difficult, but because you don't have the capacity to stay quiet anymore.

So let me tell you about something that happened in my own marriage. We were in a really hard season. One of our kids was struggling, really struggling. Anxiety, depression. Words like, can't wait to leave and never come back. The kind of pain that just breaks a mother's heart. I was worried sick, lying awake at night, trying to figure out what to do, what to say, how to help, what I did wrong. Researching therapists, reading articles, talking to other moms, praying, crying. The weight of it was crushing me. And my husband?

He was keeping the kitchen spotless on his days off. Every night without fail, he'd clean up after dinner, wipe down the counters, load the dishwasher, put everything away. And I'm sure in his mind, he was being helpful, supportive, a good partner. And it was so nice. But I wanted to scream because I didn't need a clean kitchen. I needed him in the fire with me. I needed him to sit down with me and strategize. I needed him to say, what are we going to do about this? And how do we help our kid? I needed him to be as worried as I was.

or at least curious about why I was so worried. I needed him to research therapists with me, to sit in the hard conversations, to lose sleep over it too. But he thought he was helping by keeping the kitchen clean. He thought his part was handling some of the visible tasks, so life would be just a little bit easier for me. But meanwhile, I was drowning in the invisible stuff, the emotional chaos, the hard decisions, the weight of our kids' pain, completely alone. That's what so many midlife marriages look like.

He's doing these surface level tasks while making sure his own needs are met. And meanwhile, she's carrying the real weight alone and he has no idea. He genuinely thinks he's being a good husband, a good partner because he's doing what he's always done. But what she needs now is completely different. And she's not asking for more effort. She's asking for more relevant effort. She doesn't need him to perform tasks. She needs him to be a co-pilot.

a co-strategist, to help her think through the hard stuff, to sit with her in the uncertainty, to show up for the emotional labor, not just for the physical tasks, to say, are you worried about most right now? What do you need me to know about what's happening with our kid? What would it look like for me to actually help you carry this? That's the shift that has to happen. Because here's the thing, the load grew up when the kids did. When your kids were little,

The load, it's physical and it's visible. Diapers, feeding schedules, bedtime, laundry mountains that never end, the never ending cycle of meals and messes and keeping tiny humans alive. He can help with all that. He can see it. He can check it off. And when he does, it feels like partnership. But when your kids are teenagers, when they're young adults, the load becomes invisible. It's not about diapers anymore. It's about the worry that keeps you up at night. Their fear, the fear about their mental health, the...

strategic thinking about their futures, the emotional weight of watching them hurt and not being able to fix it, the hard conversations about grades, relationships, choices, consequences, the reality that you can't protect them from pain anymore. You can only walk through it with them. And that's if they let you. And that load, he doesn't see any of that, not because he doesn't care, but because he's never had to carry it. You have been carrying it alone, always. You're the one lying awake at 3 a.m. worrying.

You're the one researching and problem solving and anticipating what's coming next. You're the one having hard conversations and holding space for big emotions. And he's mowing the lawn. So when he picks up dinner or cleans the kitchen, he genuinely thinks he's lightening your load. He genuinely thinks he's doing his part, but he's not. Because what you need isn't task support. What you need is emotional partnership. You need him to ask, what's weighing on you that I'm not seeing?

How can I help you with what's going on, not just what I can see? You need him to sit with you in the hard stuff. You don't need him to fix any of these things. You don't need him to dismiss this, and you certainly don't need him to minimize any of this hard stuff. You just need him to be present for it, to worry with you, to think with you, to carry it with you. You don't need him to perform partnership. You need him to practice it with eyes open, with mind engaged, with heart present. And when he does that,

When he finally shows up for the real weight that you're carrying, then you start to feel seen again. Here's the hard truth. Your marriage is breaking under the weight of old roles in a new season. The partnership model that sort of worked when your kids were little, it's not going to work anymore. Back then, the roles were clear. He handled the yard, the cars, the guy stuff. You handled the house, the kids, the scheduling. And honestly, that felt balanced because the load was manageable. Life was simpler. You had bandwidth.

But now? Now life is heavier. The kids are older, the problems are bigger, and the emotional load is crushing you. But he's still operating from the old playbook. He's still doing the things that used to feel like partnership, not realizing that the rules changed. And here's what happens. You get resentful. You start to feel invisible, unsupported, alone. You start to wonder if he even cares, because if he did, wouldn't he notice? And he just gets confused.

He thinks he's doing everything right. He thinks he's helping. And when you try to explain, he gets defensive. I just cleaned the entire kitchen. What more do you want from me? And the gap keeps widening because here's what he doesn't understand. The emotional load grew up. And so now the partnership has to as well. The marriage can't survive on the division of labor from 10 years ago. It needs to evolve. It needs to redistribute the weight. It needs both of you to see what's actually being carried.

and who's carrying it. And right now, you're carrying most of it alone. Not because he's lazy, not because he's cruel, but because he doesn't see it. And what you don't see, you can't share. So here's what needs to happen. He needs to get curious. He needs to stop assuming everything's fine just because the surface looks smooth. He needs to ask questions like, what are you carrying that you need help with? What would actually help you feel supported?

What can I take off your plate? Not just in terms of tasks, but in terms of worry. And you, you need to stop holding it all together so that he can finally see what happens when you don't. Not by having a breakdown, though sometimes that does happen. But by being honest, by naming the invisible load, by saying, I need you to know that I'm not okay. I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed and I can't keep doing this alone because here's the truth. This isn't about blaming him.

It's about inviting growth. If the marriage doesn't evolve to meet this new season, it likely won't survive it. Not because the love is gone, but because the partnership, it broke under the weight of outdated roles. And you both deserve better than that. So let's bring this full circle. Why does everything feel so wrong even though he's still doing what he's always done? Because what he's always done, it's not enough anymore. Not because he's failing.

but because the needs have changed and he didn't change with it. So here's what you need him to understand. You don't just want him to do more. You want him to notice more and then do things that actually lighten the load you're carrying now. Not the flowers, not the surface level gestures, the real relevant stuff, the strategic thinking about your adults choices, the emotional labor of sitting with uncertainty, the things you didn't even have to ask for.

because he was already paying attention. You want him to see you, not just to hear you when you're at your breaking point, but to see you before you break, to notice when you're quiet, when you're withdrawing, when you're sharp. And instead of pulling back or getting defensive, to see that as a sign to get curious. What's going on? What's going on that I'm missing? That's the shift that has to happen, not perfection, not him becoming a different person, but awareness.

being in tune with you, creating a partnership that meets the season you're actually in. And here's what I've seen over and over again. When he finally understands what you need and why the old way isn't working anymore, things start to shift. Not overnight, and it won't be perfect. It's still going to be messy. It's going to be happening. But slowly, steadily, and the distance that you're feeling, it starts to close. Here's what I know for sure.

You're not asking for too much. You're just asking for partnership. You're asking for a partnership that fits the life you're living now, not the one you lived 10 years ago. You're asking him to grow with you, to evolve with you, to see what you're carrying and help you carry it. And that's not unreasonable. That's what marriage is supposed to be. But here's the hard part. He doesn't know any of this. He doesn't know that the load evolved. He doesn't know that what he's doing isn't landing anymore. He doesn't know what you actually need because

You haven't had the language to tell him until now. That's why I created this free guide. It's called, He Doesn't Get It Yet. Here's how to help him see what you're carrying without starting another fight. This guide is going to help you identify what's really weighing on you. This is the invisible and the invisible load. To understand why he hasn't noticed and why that's not entirely his fault. It's going to help you find language that helps him see what he's been missing.

And it's going to help you start a conversation that might actually lead to real change. Because here's what I believe. Most husbands, they actually want to show up for their wives. Likely even yours. They just don't know how. They're still operating from the old playbook because no one's told them it's outdated. So give him the chance to understand. Download the guide. You'll find it down in the show notes. Read it together if you want. Use it to start the conversation. You can find all kinds of resources at

midlifemarriages.com or you can check the show notes. And if this episode resonated, if you find yourself thinking, yes, this is exactly what I've been trying to say, send it to your midlife bestie. She's probably feeling it too. She needs to hear this. And so in this next episode, we're diving into episode three in the series of 10, and we're going to be talking about this. It's not that I don't love him. It's that no one ever loved this version of me.

We're going to talk about why midlife women feel emotionally homeless and what to do when you've outgrown your old identity, but no one noticed. Until then, friend, give yourself permission to name what you need. You're not asking for too much. What you're asking for, it's only that he show up and to see the life that you're actually living. And that, that is entirely fair. And so until we talk again, make it an intentional day.