Ep. 184: He Says He's Trying — But It's Not What I Need

He says he's trying.

He really does.

He tells the kids to "respect their mom."

He handles the family finances without you having to ask.

He fixes things around the house before they become emergencies.

He keeps doing what he's always done—consistently, reliably.

But it doesn't land. Not even close.

Because you're drowning in decisions and worry and emotional weight—and he's offering you... home repairs.

Let the leaky faucet drip. Just come to the meeting with the school counselor.

Put the checkbook down. Help me carry this pain.

Stop solving the problem in the garage and sit with me in the problem we're having with our kid.

Because here's what he doesn't understand:

His version of "trying" is still leaving you completely alone in the fire.

And you're so tired of pretending that checking boxes equals partnership.

This is Episode 5 of the series:
 "Marriage Conversations Midlife Besties Are Having (But Afraid to Say Out Loud)."

I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and this is The Intentional Midlife Mom podcast.

Let's dive in.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Free guide: He Doesn't Get It (Yet): How to Help Him See What You're Carrying—Without Starting Another Fight - GET IT HERE
• Check out all the marriage resources at: https://www.jenniferroskamp.com/midlife-marriages-maps

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Emotional Labor in Relationships
• 1:52 Navigating Midlife Marital Conversations
• 3:17 Understanding the Disconnect in Midlife Marriages
• 6:12 The Weight of Emotional Labor
• 9:05 Redefining Effort and Support
• 13:26 The Double Standard in Emotional Labor
• 16:18 What Real Support Looks Like
• 19:11 Bridging the Gap in Communication

Transcript

Well, welcome back, friend. So after the past four episodes, we've been naming the hard truths about midlife marriage. We've talked about wondering if you still love him. We've talked about why everything feels wrong, even though he hasn't changed. We've talked about feeling emotionally invisible in your own life. And then we talked about being crushed by the invisible load that no one sees. These conversations all started in episode 180 of the Intentional Midlife Mom podcast. Go back and.

Listen to those if you have missed them. In this episode, we're addressing the disconnect that might be the most painful of all. He says he's trying, but it's not what you need. And the gap between his effort and your reality is leaving you feeling more alone than ever. And so today, we're unpacking what he thinks is effort and why it's missing the mark. We're going to talk about what you actually need to feel supported in this season. And we're going to talk about why trying feels more like abandonment when it's misdirected.

By the end of this episode, you'll have language for what real support looks like and permission to stop accepting effort that doesn't actually help. So let's go. Well, we're going to start with what he is doing, because here's the thing. He is trying. He's showing up in the ways that he knows how. Maybe he handles the bills without you having to think about them. Maybe he keeps the cars maintained so that you don't have to worry about breakdowns. Maybe he fixes things around the house, the leaky faucet, the broken door.

the Wi-Fi router that keeps acting up. He tells the kids to be nice when he hears that they're being disrespectful. He backs you up when you set a boundary with them, most of the time. He shows up for family events and school functions, the things on the calendar. And from where he's standing, he's being a good husband, a good father, a good partner. He's consistent, he's reliable, he's steady, at least most of the time. He's doing what he's always done, and it used to be enough. But now, now it's not enough, not even close. And here's what's making you feel crazy.

You're not asking him to stop doing those things. You're not asking him to become somebody entirely different. You're asking him to see the new weight that you're carrying and to help with that too, but he just doesn't see it. He thinks what he's always done should still be good enough. And so instead of asking what's changed or what you need now, he just keeps doing the same thing he's always done. Things like create financial stability and take care of the home maintenance and surface level backup with the kids. And meanwhile, you're collapsing under the weight of

the emotional chaos your teenager is going through, and the fear that keeps you up at night wondering if they're going to be okay. The decisions about your aging parents, whether to intervene, how much to help, when to have hard conversations about their future, the mental load of managing everyone's emotional well-being while your own is crumbling, the constant worry about whether your marriage is even going to survive this season, or if you're just both going through the motions until all of the kids are grown. And while all of that is going on,

He's fixing the Wi-Fi. Again, now let me be clear. None of that, none of what he's doing is bad, right? Financial responsibility, it matters. Home maintenance matters. Showing up for family events, these things matter. These aren't small things, but they're not the things that are breaking you. And that's the disconnect. The consistent things that he's doing, they just aren't bringing you much help anymore. And it's infuriating because life is heavier now.

The problems are bigger. The emotional load is crushing. And he's still operating like it's 10 years ago. Like if he just keeps doing what he's always done, everything will be fine. But everything's not fine. You're not fine. And the fact that he can't see that, the fact that he thinks balancing the checkbook equals emotional support, it's making you want to scream. So let me give you an example in my own life. There was a season when one of our kids was really struggling. I was honestly terrified. I was completely overwhelmed. was

lying awake at night, running through every worst case scenario. And my husband was making sure that the pool was vacuumed. He'd get done with it and say, see, doesn't it look nice? And I wanted to cry because I didn't need the pool vacuumed, the pool that I used to have time to sit in once in a while. But in reality, it's been two years since I could afford the time. I needed him to say, I'm worried too. What do you think is the best thing for us to do? I needed him to be as worried as I was, not distract himself with tasks, but that's not how he's wired.

When he feels helpless, he fixes things. When life feels out of control, he focuses on what he can control, the tangible, solvable problems. And from his perspective, that is trying, that is showing up. But from my perspective, it felt like he was checking out, avoiding the real problem by making himself busy with things that just don't matter and leaving me to deal with the big things that he knows are there, but it's just easier to do the things he can check off the list while letting me deal with the messy, hard parts of life.

And that's what so many midlife marriages look like right now. He's doing what he's always done, but she's carrying the weight of what changed. And the gap between his effort and her reality is leaving her feeling completely alone. And really, here's what makes this so painful. It's not just that he's not helping with the right things. It's that he doesn't even see what the right things are. These helpful things that he's so proud of, they're not actually lightening your load. They're just brushing crumbs off the mountain. Let me paint you a picture.

Your teenager comes home from school, slams the door, and goes straight into their room. You feel it. You know something is wrong. Your mom radar is screaming. And so you spend the next hour checking on them, trying to draw them out, holding space for whatever is happening while internally spiraling about whether this is normal teenage mood swings or is this something more serious. And your husband's in the garage organizing his tools. Later, when you try to talk to him about it, he says, they're fine. Teenagers are moody. You worry too much. And then he goes back to whatever he was doing.

Meanwhile, you're carrying the weight of, but what if they're not fine? Or here's another one. You're trying to make a decision about your aging parent. They're declining. And you can see it, but you don't know what to do. Do you intervene? Do you risk their resentment? Or do you wait and risk something more serious happening? And so you bring it up to your husband multiple times. And he says, whatever you think is best. I trust your judgment. And this sounds supportive, but what it really means is, I don't really know. And I'm just not interested in figuring it out.

what the answer could be. And so you'll just figure it out fine without me. And in reality, you will, like you've always done, because it has to be figured out. You carry it alone, along with the worry, the guilt, and the fear that you're going to make the wrong call. Or what about this example? You're overwhelmed, completely maxed out, and you look like it. Anyone who knows you even a little bit can see it, but he can't. Or if he does, he knows he's just not going to open that can of worms. And so you finally say,

I need help. And he says, well, OK, just tell me what you need me to do. Which sounds reasonable, but what it really means is I'm not going to take any initiative. You've got to spell it out for me. So now you're not just doing the thing, you're also managing his part of it. You're planning it. You're mapping it out. You're delegating it. You're following up on it. Which means in reality, it's still on your plate. Your plate has now just expanded.

And that's what he doesn't see. He thinks he's trying, but his version of trying is still leaving all of the heavy lifting up to you. Because here's the truth. You don't want surface effort. You want attunement. You want him to notice what you're carrying before you have to spell it out. You want him to be as worried about your kid as you are without you having to convince him it's serious. You want him to take the emotional weight off your plate, not just the tasks. You want him to say, I see you're overwhelmed. What would actually help you feel better right now? Not.

Just tell me what to do. You want him to say, I'm paying attention. I don't know what's going on, but I can see that something is. So what is it? That's the shift that has to happen. It's not about him doing more tasks. It's about him seeing more of what you're actually caring, because right now, he's blind to it. And his well-intentioned efforts, they're landing like slaps in the face, because they're so far from what you actually need. Let me tell you what the real gut punch is.

He gets to wait until he's ready. He gets to try on his own timeline, in his own way, at his own pace. And meanwhile, you don't get that luxury. You're burning alive in emotional labor, and you can't wait until you feel ready to show up for it. You don't get to say, I'll worry about our kid when I have more capacity. You don't get to say, I'll manage the household when I'm feeling less stressed. You don't get to opt out on the invisible load until you're in a better headspace. You just do it every day, all day, all the time.

whether you're ready or not. And meanwhile, he's sitting on the couch watching the game or scrolling his phone or working late again because work is really busy right now and you want to scream. You think I'm not busy? You think I wouldn't love to check out for a few hours? But here's the thing. He doesn't see it as checking out. He sees it as recharging. He genuinely believes that he needs downtime after a long day. And you know what? He likely does. But so do you. The difference is you don't get any.

Because while he's recharging, you're making dinner, managing homework battles, soothing your anxious kid, planning tomorrow, worrying about next week, carrying the emotional weight of everyone in the house. And when you finally sit down at 10 PM, completely depleted, he looks at you and says, you should relax. You're just too stressed. And you want to throw something. Because the reason you're stressed is that you're doing everything. And he doesn't see that. He just sees you stressed and thinks the solution is for you just to calm down. Not for him to step up and actually help carry the weight.

And here's what he needs to understand. You know what? She's functioning on half the sleep, twice the stress, and all the pressure. She doesn't get to wait until she's ready. She doesn't get downtime. She doesn't get to recharge. So why does he? Why does he get to decide when and how he shows up? Why does his effort get to be conditional based on his capacity, his mood, or his readiness? While hers, it's just expected. That's double. That's the double standard that's breaking her.

Not that he's not trying, but that his version of trying, it still leaves her alone in the fire. So let's talk about what trying actually looks like and what it doesn't, because here's the hard truth. Trying doesn't mean anything if it's not connected to what actually matters. So let me give you some examples of what not trying is, even though it could look like it is. Telling her she's making too big of a deal out of something. It's not effort, it's dismissal.

When she's worried about your kid and you say something like, you're overreacting, they're fine, that's not support. That's minimizing her concern so that you don't have to engage with it. Or this one, problem solving her emotions instead of listening. It's not effort, it's avoidance. When she's upset and you immediately jump to, well, here's what you should do, that's not helping. That's trying to make your discomfort go away by fixing her. She doesn't need solutions, she needs to be heard.

What about this? Doing chores while avoiding hard conversations? That's not effort either. It's actually control. When she tries to talk about something serious and you say, can we talk about this later? I need to finish this first. And then later never comes. That's not trying. That's dodging. You're staying busy so that you don't have to engage with what's uncomfortable. And then backing her up with the kids in the moment, but undermining her later? It's not effort. That's sabotage.

When you tell the kids, listen to your mother, but then later when she's not around you say, you know what, mom's just stressed. Just don't worry about it. That's not support. That's teaching them not to take her seriously. And then there's agreeing to help and then not following through. That's not effort either. That's abandonment. When you say, yeah, I'll take care of that, and then she has to remind you again and again until she finally just does it herself because it's easier than managing you.

Hello, that's not trying. That's creating more work for her. So what does trying actually look like? Real trying looks like noticing. Noticing when she's quiet, when she's withdrawn, when she's snapping at everyone. And instead of pulling back or getting defensive, getting curious about it. What's going on? What are you dealing with? Real trying, it looks like asking. Not waiting for her to spell it out, not making her manage you, but proactively asking.

What would actually help you right now? And then doing it without resistance, without size, without making it about you. Real trying looks like prioritizing what matters to her even if it does not matter to you. I'm spelling that out for you. Maybe you don't think the thing with your kid is that big of a deal. Maybe you think she's worrying too much. But you know what? She's worried. And that should be enough. You don't have to agree with her concern.

to help her carry it. Real trying looks like giving up your comfort for her care, turning off the game, putting down your phone, skipping the thing you wanted to do because right now she needs you more. And partnership, it means showing up even when it's inconvenient. Real trying looks like saying, I know you're exhausted. What can I take off your plate? I see you're worried. Let's figure this out together. I don't fully understand what you're going through, but I want to. Help me understand. That's

trying and for the love of all things holy. If you say you're going to do something, just do it already. Don't think about checking boxes. Don't think about completing tasks and don't defend yourself. Being emotionally available enough to see what's actually breaking her and choosing to help her carry it. That's what showing up is.

And here's what I need you to hear. She's not asking for magic. She's asking for partnership. She doesn't need you to have all the answers. She doesn't need you to fix everything. She doesn't need you to suddenly become a different person. She just needs you to be present, to see her, to hear her, to carry the weight with her, to stop treating her pain like it's a problem to be solved and start treating it like something to be lived in and managed through, to stop offering her tasks when what she needs is connection.

to stop defending your effort when what she needs is attunement. Because here's the truth, trying only counts if it actually helps carry the weight. And right now, your version of trying, it's just not doing that. Not because you're a bad person and not because you don't care, but because you're still operating from an outdated playbook. You think partnership means completing tasks when what she actually needs is emotional presence. So here's what trying looks like. It's choosing her over your comfort.

When she needs to talk and you want to relax, guess what? You talk. When she's drowning and you're tired, you step in anyway. When she's falling apart and you don't know what to do, you just sit with her in it. It's noticing what she's carrying and asking how to help, not waiting for her to break down, not making her spell it out, but paying attention, getting curious, and leaning in. You know what? It's also being willing to be wrong, to hear her say,

That's not what I need. And instead of getting defensive, say, OK, help me understand what you do need. It's showing up even when it's uncomfortable, even when you don't know what to say, even when you're tired. I promise she's just as tired, maybe more, even when you can't fix it, even when all you can do is be there. Because sometimes being there is actually enough. But you have to actually be there, not physically present, but emotionally checked out, not doing tasks while avoiding the real conversation, fully present, fully engaged.

fully with her. That's what she's asking for. And that's the only kind of trying that actually counts. Here's what I know for sure. Trying only counts if it actually helps carry the weight. And what you're doing isn't landing. If she's still drowning while you're trying, well then it's time to do something different. It's not about doing something and trying harder. It's not about doing more. It's about doing something different.

Because the tasks that you're completing, they're not the load that she's carrying. The effort you're giving, it's not landing where she needs it. And the gap between what you think you're doing and what she actually needs is leaving her feeling more alone than ever. And so here's what needs to happen. Ask her. Don't assume you know what she needs. Don't wait for her to break down and spell it out. Ask, what are you dealing with right now that I am not seeing? And then listen. Don't defend. Don't explain.

Don't problem solve, just listen and then ask, what would actually help you feel better right now? And then do it, even if it's uncomfortable, even if it's not what you would choose, or even more, what you feel like doing. If you don't feel like doing it, do it anyway. She does it all day long. Do it even if it doesn't make sense to you. Do it anyway, because that's partnership.

Not doing what's easy, not doing what feels comfortable, not waiting until you feel ready. Partnership is doing what she actually needs when she needs it, which is rarely going to align with your ideal timeline because that's life. And if you're listening and know that your husband needs to understand some of this but are not sure where to start, that's exactly what the free guide, He Doesn't Get It Yet, is designed to help with. It's going to help you understand. It's going to help you understand what you're actually carrying.

not just what's visible. And for the husbands here, it's going to help you see why your current efforts aren't landing. And for the wives here, it's going to help you find language to start a different kind of conversation. And for both of you, it's going to help you bridge the gap between what you think is happening and what is actually happening. You can grab it at midlifemarriagesfreeguide.com. And friend, if this episode resonated, if you found yourself thinking, yes, this is exactly what I've been trying to say,

Send it to someone else. Leave a review. Let's get this out and let's start having these conversations that, you know what, behind closed doors we're having them. Let's get them out there. Let's bring them out into the open so that we can finally move forward. And friend, give yourself permission to name what you actually need. Not what's easy to ask for, not what you think he can handle, what you actually need. Because it's time that you get the support that actually supports you. And it's time to stop settling.

for effort that is missing the mark. You both deserve better.