Ep. 185: Why Am I Always the One Who Has to Change?

Let me tell you about the loneliest kind of growth.

It's the kind where you're doing all the work—reading the books, going to therapy, listening to the podcasts, doing the exercises—while he's... doing nothing.

You're learning about attachment styles and emotional regulation and how to communicate better.

You're working on yourself. Growing. Changing. Evolving.

And he's just... the same.

Still reacting the same way. Still avoiding the same conversations. Still operating from the same playbook he's had for twenty years.

And when you try to share what you're learning?

When you try to invite him into the process?

He’s not interested in hearing much about it.

So what now? What do you do when you’re the one changing? 

That’s what today’s episode is all about. 

This is Episode 6 of the series: "Marriage Conversations Midlife Besties Are Having (But Afraid to Say Out Loud)."

I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and this is The Intentional Midlife Mom podcast.

Let's dive in.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Free guide: He Doesn't Get It (Yet): How to Help Him See What You're Carrying—Without Starting Another Fight - GET IT HERE
• Check out all the marriage resources at: https://www.jenniferroskamp.com/midlife-marriages-maps

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding One-Sided Growth in Marriage
• 6:22 The Impact of Individual Growth on Relationships
• 9:37 Creating Conditions for Change
• 13:33 The Importance of Honest Conversations
• 16:26 Tools for Mutual Transformation

Transcript

Well, welcome back friend. We are halfway through this series on midlife marriage. And if you've been listening from the beginning, you know we've covered some heavy things. We've talked about wondering if you still love him. We've talked about why his effort isn't landing the same way. We've talked about feeling invisible in your own life, about being crushed by the invisible load and how his version of trying, it still leaves you feeling alone. And this week we're going even deeper because today we're talking about something that breeds quiet, bitter resentment. We're talking about one-sided growth and

We're talking about when you're the one doing the work to save the marriage and he's doing none of it. And so we're going to be unpacking why you're doing the work and why it's already changing things. We're going to talk about what your growth is creating in your marriage, even when he's not growing with you. And we're going to talk about why one-sided growth is still powerful and when it's time for the conversation. By the end of this episode, you're going to understand why your growth matters even when you're growing alone. And so let's go.

First, I want to paint you a picture of what one-sided growth looks like. She's reading every book she can find on marriage, communication, emotional health. She's listening to podcasts on her commute. She's journaling, praying, processing. She's going to therapy, sometimes individual. Maybe sometimes she drags him to couples counseling, where she does 90 % of the talking while he sits there with his arms crossed. She's learning about her attachment style and how it shows up in conflict. She's learning how to regulate her emotions instead of reacting to them.

She's learning how to communicate her needs without sounding critical, how to set boundaries without feeling guilty, how to manage her anxiety so that it doesn't control her. She's doing the work, the hard, uncomfortable, soul-searching work of looking at herself honestly and figuring out what needs to change. And you know what? She is changing. She's more self-aware, more articulate about her needs, more regulated in her responses. She's not perfect, but she's trying, she's growing, she's evolving. And him? Well, he's exactly the same. He's still reactive when she brings up hard topics.

Still defensive when she tries to talk about what's not working. Still avoidant when things get uncomfortable. Still operating from the same patterns, the same assumptions, the same limited emotional toolkit that he's had since they got married. And when she tries to share what she's learning, he shuts down. He says things like, well, that's great for you, but I don't need all that stuff. Or I don't believe in all that psychology stuff. Or you're overthinking everything and she wants to scream, I'm not doing this for fun. I'm doing this because the marriage is breaking.

Because here's what he doesn't understand. She's not reading self-help books because she's enjoying them. She's not going to therapy because she has extra money burning a hole in her pocket. She's doing it out of desperation, not curiosity, out of survival, not self-improvement. And the fact that he can't see that, the fact that he thinks everything's fine while she keeps fighting for their marriage, it makes that loneliness feel unbearable. But here's what I need you to understand. Your growth is not wasted, even when you're the only one doing it.

Because every book you read, every therapy session you attend, every hard truth you face about yourself, it's already changing things. It's changing you. And when you change, the marriage can't stay exactly the same. Here's how. You're showing up differently. So the dynamic shifts. When you stop reacting the same way, the old patterns start to crack. The system has to adjust. You're communicating differently. So the conversation changes.

Even if he's still responding the same, you're not speaking from the same place, and that matters. You're setting boundaries, so the relationship has to adapt. When you stop over-functioning, space opens up. When you stop tolerating what doesn't work, the system has to respond. And you're modeling what growth looks like. And sometimes, often, that modeling is exactly what creates the conditions for him to wake up and grow too. Your growth is creating pressure for change, not forceful pressure.

not manipulative pressure, but the natural pressure that comes when one half of a system evolves and the other has to decide, do I evolve too or do I stay the same? And that decision, it's on him. But your growth, it's not wasted. It's already working. Here's what most women don't realize. The marriage you're experiencing right now is partly shaped by who you've been showing up as. Not because it's your fault, not because you caused the problems, but because you're half of the equation.

And when you change, the equation therefore changes too. So let me give you some examples. You learn how to regulate your emotions. So instead of exploding when he does something hurtful, you take a breath, you process, and you respond calmly. And here's what that does. It removes the chaos he's been using as an excuse not to engage. Now when conflict happens, he can't deflect to you're being too emotional. He has to actually deal with the issue.

You learn how to communicate your needs more clearly. And so instead of hinting or getting passive aggressive, you use I statements. You're direct, you're specific. You say things like, I need help dealing with our daughter's anxiety. Can we talk about how to deal with that? And here's what that does. It removes the guessing game. Now he knows exactly what you need. He can't say, I didn't know. And if he doesn't step up, well, now it's a choice. It's no longer confusion. You learn how to set boundaries without guilt.

So you stop over-functioning. You stop doing everything. You create space for yourself. Maybe you say, I need Saturday mornings to myself. You're going to have to handle that on your own. And here's what that does. It creates a gap that he has to decide what to do with. Will he step in? Will he complain about it? Will he realize how much you've been doing all along? Either way, the dynamic shifts. You stop tolerating what doesn't work. You stop smoothing over his dismissiveness. You stop pretending his lack of emotional presence doesn't hurt.

you stop accepting breadcrumbs. And here's what that does. It forces the relationship to confront what's actually true. The marriage can't hide behind everything's fine anymore. Your growth is dismantling the illusion of fine. And that's not destructive, that's honest, because here's the thing. A lot of marriages are held together by one person's willingness to absorb and adapt and manage everything. And when that person stops absorbing,

When she stops adapting to his lack of effort, when she stops managing his emotions on top of her own, the marriage has to become something different. Sometimes that different is better. Sometimes it's harder. Sometimes it's both. But it's always more honest. And honest is where real transformation becomes possible. Here's what happens in a lot of marriages when she starts growing. At first, he doesn't notice. Or he notices but doesn't think much about it. She's reading a book. She's going to therapy. She seems calmer. Cool.

But then things start feeling different. She's not reacting the same way. She's not chasing him for connection. She's not managing his emotions and she's not over functioning. And suddenly he feels it. He feels and starts to notice the gap. The space where she used to be doing all the work, carrying all the weight, making it easy for him to coast. Well, that space it's, now getting uncomfortable and that discomfort. That's what often wakes him up because here's the truth. Most men don't change because you ask them to. They change because

Staying the same stops working. And when your growth shifts the dynamic enough that his old patterns stop being sustainable, well then he has a choice to make. Option one, he steps up. He realizes the marriage is shifting and he doesn't want to lose you. So he starts paying attention. He starts doing his own work. He joins you in the growth. Or there's option two, he resists. He digs in, he gets defensive. He complains that you're different now in a way that implies different is bad. He wants the old version of you back.

the one who made it easy for him. Or option three, he does both. He resists at first and then slowly starts to shift. It's messy, it's inconsistent, but eventually he begins to grow too. The point is your growth creates conditions. Conditions where he has to decide what kind of husband he wants to be. Conditions where the marriage has to evolve or expose itself. Conditions where staying the same is no longer comfortable. And these conditions, they're powerful.

Because you can't force someone to grow, but you can stop making it easy for them to stay stuck. And your growth, it's doing exactly that. Here's the hard truth. Your growth is powerful. It's changing things. It's creating conditions. It matters. But it can't do the work of two people. It can't force him to be present. It can't create intimacy if he's not willing to be known. It can't build the connection you're longing for if he's not willing to meet you there.

your growth will still make things better. It will still make you stronger. It will still shift the dynamic. But it can't guarantee that he'll grow with you. And at some point, you'll have to be honest about what you're experiencing. Is the marriage improving because of your growth? Are things shifting in ways that give you hope? Is he starting to wake up to lean in to do his own work? Or are you just getting better at managing a system that still leaves you lonely? There's no shame in either answer, but you do deserve to be honest about which one is true.

Because here's what happens when growth is truly one-sided. You become healthier, but the marriage doesn't become healthy. You become whole, but the connection doesn't deepen. You become more clear, but the loneliness doesn't lift. And the gap between who you're becoming and the relationship you're actually in, it can become unbearable. Not because your growth has failed, but because growth alone can't create partnership. Partnership requires two people showing up. And if he's not willing to show up,

Well then you get to decide what that means for you. But not today, not this week, in time. You'll have to think about things like, can you live in a marriage that's functional but not intimate? Can you accept a partnership where you're growing but he's not? Or do you need more than just a better version of yourself and a partner who's willing to grow with you? These are the kinds of questions you'll have to answer. These aren't the easy questions and there's no right answer that fits everyone.

But your growth has given you something invaluable. As you've been growing, you've been gaining clarity. Clarity about what you need. Clarity about what's possible. Clarity about what you're no longer willing to tolerate. And that clarity, it's such a gift, even if it's painful, even if it's uncomfortable. Because clarity is where real decisions get made. So where do we go from here? You've been growing, you've been changing, you've been doing the work, and maybe things are shifting.

Maybe they're not shifting enough. Maybe you're not sure what's happening anymore. Here's what I know. It's time for the conversation, not the breakdown, not the explosion, not the tearful plea, the clear, honest, grounded conversation about what's changing in you and what you need from him. Because here's what most women don't realize. He doesn't know what you're carrying. He doesn't see the work you're doing. He doesn't understand that you're changing or why. And until you tell him directly, clearly and calmly,

He's going to keep thinking everything's fine. And so the conversation, it needs to sound something like this. I'm growing. I've been doing some hard work. I'm changing. And I need you to know what that means for us. You could say something like, I've been doing a lot of work on myself and I need you to join me in this. Not because you're doing anything wrong, but because I can't heal and grow this marriage on my own. Maybe you could say, things can't stay the same way they've been. And I need to know if you're willing to grow with me and work on them with me.

This conversation, this can be the turning point. This is where you stop doing all the work silently and invisibly and you start inviting him into the partnership. And his response, will tell you everything you need to know. If he leans in, you have hope. If he resists, you at least have clarity. Either way, you're no longer growing alone in the dark. You're growing with the truth that is in the light. And that's where real transformation becomes possible. Here's what I know for sure.

Your growth is not wasted. Every step you've taken matters. Every book you've read, every therapy session, every moment of self-reflection, it's already changing you. It's already changing your marriage. And the healthiest version of you will create the healthiest version of your marriage, whether he joins you in that or not. But here's what will make the biggest difference. It's when you stop, it's when you have the conversation.

The conversation where you stop carrying it all silently and start inviting him to see what's actually happening. The one where you say, I need you to understand what all of this changing means. And I need to know if you're willing to do it with me. This conversation is the bridge between that one-sided growth and mutual transformation. And that's exactly what the free guide, He Doesn't Get It Yet, What I Wish My Husband Knew, will help you navigate. Inside this free guide, you're going to get language.

for the conversation so that you can name what's changing without making him defensive. You're gonna get a framework for inviting him in without begging or blaming or breaking down. And you're gonna get clarity about what you need and how to ask for it directly. And here's what makes this even more powerful. After you have that conversation using the guide, you'll be ready for the next step, the next layer, the marriage maps. There's one for you and there's one for him. These aren't generic worksheets, they're roadmaps that...

that really help each of you identify where you are right now in the marriage, that help you name what's working and what's not, that help you clarify what you need to feel connected and create a shared vision for what comes next. The marriage maps give you both a way to see the same situation from your own perspective and from the other's perspective, and then come together with clarity instead of conflict. This is how one-sided growth becomes mutual transformation.

not by you doing all the work yourself forever, but by you inviting him into the process clearly, directly, and with tools that actually help. You can grab the He Doesn't Get It Yet Guide at midlifemarriagefreeguide.com or check the show notes on this episode. And once you download it, you'll get immediate access to it. And after you have that conversation and really learn more about where you're at, you'll be ready for the marriage maps. Make sure you grab those as well.

And if this episode resonated, if you feel that ache of recognition, the exhaustion of being the only one doing the work, and you know a friend who's doing the same thing, share this episode with her. She needs to hear this too. So tomorrow we're diving into episode seven, where we talk about is this all there is? And we're going to talk about the quiet grief of midlife and how to reimagine connection when the life you built feels brittle. Until then, friend, give yourself permission to have the conversation.

Your growth is already changing things. Now it's time to invite him to grow with you. And the best way to do that is to start with the guide, then use the maps. That's how you move from one-sided work to mutual transformation. Until we talk again, friend, have an intentional day.