Ep. 186: Is This All There Is?

There's a question that haunts midlife women.

It doesn't come with drama or fireworks.

It comes quietly. In the middle of an ordinary Tuesday.

When you're standing in your kitchen, looking at the life you built, and thinking:

"Is this all there is?"

Not with anger. Not with resentment.

Just... quiet disappointment.

You worked so hard to get here.

You did everything you were supposed to do.

You built the life. Raised the kids. Made the marriage work—or at least made it look like it was working.

And now you're standing in the middle of it all, and it feels... brittle.

Like if you press too hard on any part of it, the whole thing might crack.

The marriage that used to feel solid now feels fragile.

The connection that used to come easily now feels forced.

The intimacy that used to be natural now feels like work—work you're too tired to do.

And you look at him—this man you've built a whole life with—and you think:

"We're surviving. But we're not thriving."

Here's what I want you to know:

That grief is real. And it's valid.

But it's not a life sentence.

You don't have to burn it all down. But you also don't have to keep living in the brittleness.

There's a way to experience your marriage differently—starting with how you show up in it.

Even if you're the only one doing the work.

This is Episode 7 of the series: "Marriage Conversations Midlife Besties Are Having (But Afraid to Say Out Loud)."

I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and this is The Intentional Midlife Mom podcast.

Let's dive in.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Free guide: He Doesn't Get It (Yet): How to Help Him See What You're Carrying—Without Starting Another Fight - GET IT HERE
• Check out all the marriage resources at: https://www.jenniferroskamp.com/midlife-marriages-maps

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Chapters

• 0:00 The Midlife Question: Is This All There Is?
• 2:00 Navigating Grief and Validating Feelings
• 3:16 Understanding Midlife Grief
• 6:26 Surviving vs. Thriving in Marriage
• 9:19 Taking Back Your Power
• 13:10 Shifting Perspectives and Expectations
• 16:27 The Importance of Honest Communication
• 19:16 Moving from Grief to Hope

Transcript

Well, welcome back, friend. We are in the second half of this series now. And over the last six episodes, we've been naming what so many midlife women are feeling, but they're not saying. The loneliness, the invisible load, the one-sided growth, the feeling of being unseen, unheard, and utterly exhausted. And today, we're going even deeper because today we're talking about the grief, not the dramatic, earth-shattering kind, the quiet kind, the kind that settles in slowly over years.

The kind that whispers, this really all there is? And so today we're unpacking what you're actually grieving and why that grief matters. We're talking about why surviving isn't the same thing as thriving, but surviving doesn't mean that you've failed either. And we're gonna talk about how to reimagine your experience of your marriage, even if you're the only one working on it. And here's what I want you to hear from the very beginning. You have more power than you think. Not power to force him to change,

not power to make the marriage perfect, but power to change how you experience it, how you show up in it, and how you lead yourself through it. And that power, it changes everything. So let's go.

Well, let me tell you what midlife grief looks like. It's not about wanting a different life. It's about realizing the life you have isn't the one you thought you were building. When you got married, you probably had a story in your head about what it would be like. Not a fairy tale. You weren't naive, but you had a vision. You envisioned partnership, two people facing life together side by side. You saw connection, growing closer as the years went on, not farther apart. You pictured intimacy, not just physical, but emotional.

being known, being seen, being chosen. And you probably pictured joy, not constant happiness, but shared moments of lightness and laughter and ease. And somewhere along the way, that story fell apart, and you're not sure how it happened and when it happened. There wasn't one big moment. It was slow. It was gradual. It was death by a thousand small disconnections, the conversations that got shorter, the inside jokes that stopped being funny.

The touch that became less frequent and then when it did happen, it felt obligatory instead of genuine. The shared dreams that quietly got pushed to the back burner because you stopped talking about them. The emotional intimacy that evaporated under the weight of logistics and stress and survival mode and problems. And now you're standing here looking at what you have and realizing this isn't the story you thought you were living. You thought you were building a partnership, but you're managing everything alone.

You thought you were growing closer, but you feel more like roommates than partners now. You thought intimacy would deepen with time, but you can't remember the last time you felt seen, truly seen by your husband. You thought joy would be woven into the hard seasons, but you're just tired. All the time, tired. And that realization, that's actually grief. You're grieving the marriage you thought you'd have by now. You're grieving the connection you thought would sustain you through midlife. You're grieving the version of

us that never quite materialized. And here's what makes it even harder. You can't point to one thing that's broken. He's not cheating. He's not abusive. He's not a bad guy. He shows up. He provides. He's reliable. But reliable isn't the same as present. And functional isn't the same as fulfilling. And that's really a hard place to be. But here's what I need you to understand. Grief, it means that something mattered. You're not grieving something you never cared about.

You're grieving because you invested, because you hoped, because you built something, even if it didn't turn out the way you expected. And that grief, it's not a sign of failure. It's a sign that you're waking up, that you're being honest, that you're refusing to pretend anymore. And waking up is the first step towards experiencing your marriage differently. So let's talk about what it means to survive versus thrive, because here's what midlife marriage often becomes, a well-functioning survival system.

You have routines, have rhythms, you have roles. He handles his stuff, you handle yours. The bills get paid, the kids get raised, the house gets maintained. You show up for holidays, family events, obligations. You're polite to each other most of the time. You don't fight that much because you've learned it's not worth it. From the outside, it looks fine. Your friends think you have it together. Your kids don't see anything wrong, or if they do, they don't say anything. Your parents comment on how lucky you are to have such a stable marriage. But from the inside, you're just going through the motions.

And here's what I want you to hear. Surviving isn't the same as thriving, but surviving also isn't failing. You've held this marriage together through some incredibly hard seasons. You've shown up when it would have been easier to check out. You've kept the family functioning even when you were falling apart inside, and that's not nothing. That's strength. But here's the question you have to ask yourself. Is surviving enough for you? Because there's a difference between a marriage that's functioning and a marriage that's flourishing. Functioning is logistics.

Calendars are synced, bills are paid, responsibilities managed. Flourishing is connection, feeling seen, feeling chosen, feeling like you matter to him, not just as a co-parent or a co-manager, but as a person. Functioning is coexistence. It's living parallel lives under the same roof. Flourishing is partnership. It's facing life together, actually together, not just in proximity. Functioning is maintenance, keeping things running without falling apart. Flourishing is growth.

both people evolving, changing, deepening together. In most midlife marriages, they're functioning, but they're not flourishing. You're surviving, but you're not thriving. And wanting more, doesn't make you ungrateful. You're not being selfish for wanting connection. You're not expecting too much for wanting to feel seen. You're allowed to want just more than not falling apart. But here's the powerful part. You don't need his permission to start experiencing the marriage differently.

You don't need him to change before you can change how you show up. You don't need him to thrive before you can start moving towards thriving yourself. You can start creating a different experience of your marriage right now by changing what you do with your own mind, with your own energy and in your own choices. And that's not settling. That's not giving up. That's taking your power back. Here's what most women don't realize. You're not powerless in a marriage that feels stuck. It's true that you can't control him.

You can't force him to be different. You can't make him grow or connect or show up the way you need. But you can control how you experience the marriage and that changes everything. So let me show you what I mean. You can change what you focus on. Right now your brain is probably trained to notice everything that's wrong. Every time he doesn't listen. Every time he chooses his phone over you. Every time he misses an opportunity to connect. And your brain it catalogs. It catalogs all these things as evidence. See? He doesn't care.

This marriage is hopeless, but here's the truth. Your brain will always find what it's looking for. Your brain will find evidence for whatever it is you believe to be true. And so if you're looking for disconnection, you'll find it everywhere. But what if you started looking for something different? And this is not toxic positivity. This is not pretending everything's fine. But what if you were genuinely, genuinely noticing when he does show up, what he does do that works? Where

Where is there a glimmer of effort, even if it's small? This isn't about making excuses for him. It's about training your brain to see the full picture, not just the disappointing parts. Because when you start noticing the good alongside the hard things, your experience of the marriage shifts. You're still in the same marriage, but you're not drowning in resentment every moment. You can also change what you expect. A lot of your pain comes from the gap between what you expected and what you're getting.

You expected partnership. You're getting parallel functioning. You expected deep emotional connection. You're getting surface level coexistence. And that gap, it feels like it's killing you. But here's the powerful question. What if you lowered your expectations just enough to stop being constantly disappointing? Disappointed while still knowing what you ultimately need.

This is not about settling. It's about getting realistic about where he is right now so you can stop pouring energy into being devastated by it. If he's not capable of deep emotional intimacy right now, you can stop expecting it every single day and you can redirect that energy into your own emotional wellbeing. That doesn't mean you give up on wanting more. It means you stop torturing yourself with unmet expectations every single moment.

And when you do that, you can breathe easier and the marriage, feels less crushing. You can also change how you show up. You can't control whether he's present, but you can control whether you're present. You can't control whether he initiates connection, but you can control whether you bring warmth or humor or kindness into the room. You can't control whether he's grateful or appreciative, but you can control whether you live with bitterness or with peace. This isn't about

performing for him, it's about refusing to let his lack of effort turn you into someone you don't want to be. You can decide, I'm going to show up as the version of myself that I feel good about, that I'm proud of. Not because he deserves it, but because I deserve to like who I am. And when you do that, the marriage might not change overnight, but your experience of it does. Suddenly, you're not suffocating anymore. You're not drowning. You're standing on your own two feet inside this relationship.

You can also change what you ask for and how you ask. A lot of women stop asking for what they need because they've been disappointed so many times. Let me say that again. A lot of women stop asking for what they need because they've been disappointed so many times. But not asking doesn't protect you. It just guarantees that you won't get what you need. And so you can start asking again, but differently, not from desperation, not from resentment.

not with the energy of you owe me this, but with clarity. This is what I need. Are you able to meet me here? And if he can't, you have information and you can decide what to do with it. But at least you're not suffering in silence anymore. At least you're being honest about what you need and giving him a chance to respond. You can also change what you tolerate. And this is the big one. You've been tolerating disconnection because you're afraid of what happens if you stop. You've been tolerating being unseen because confronting it,

feels too hard. You've been tolerating a brittle marriage because you don't know if you have the strength to demand something different. But here's the truth. Tolerating what's breaking you isn't noble. It's just slow self-destruction. Tolerating what's breaking you isn't noble. It's just slow self-destruction. You are choosing to self-destruct. You can stop tolerating what doesn't work without blowing everything up.

You can set a boundary. You can name the truth. You can say, isn't okay with me anymore. Something needs to change. And maybe he rises to meet you. Maybe he doesn't, but either way, you're no longer disappearing inside a marriage that's suffocating you. You're reclaiming your voice, your presence, your self-respect. And that changes how you experience everything.

Here's what happens when you start making these shifts. You stop waiting for him to make the marriage feel different. You start creating a different experience for yourself, regardless of what he's doing. And that's not giving up. That's taking your life back, because here's the truth. You've been giving him all the power, the power to determine whether you feel loved, whether you feel seen, whether you feel happy. And as long as he has that power, you're stuck, stuck waiting, stuck hoping, stuck resenting.

But when you take that power back, when you say, I'm going to create peace for myself, I'm going to show up as someone I'm proud of. I'm going to focus on what I can control and let go of what I can't. Well, then everything shifts. You're no longer a victim of his lack of effort. You are a woman leading herself through a hard season. And that, that is strength. Now, let me be clear about this. None of this means that you stop wanting more.

And this doesn't mean that you settle for a marriage that's not enough. It means that you stop waiting for him to give you permission to experience your life differently. It means you stop waiting for him to give you permission to experience your life differently. You start now with what you have, where you are. And sometimes often when you stop waiting for him and start living fully yourself, well, he notices. Not always, not immediately.

But sometimes your shift creates a shift in him. Because when you stop over-functioning, when you stop managing his emotions, when you stop tolerating what doesn't work, the system changes and he has to decide what to do with that change. Maybe he steps up. Maybe he leans in. Maybe he realizes what he's been taking for granted. Or maybe he doesn't. But either way, you're not stuck anymore. You're living. You're present.

You're in the driver's seat of your own life, even inside this marriage, and that changes everything. So here's where we land today. You're grieving and that's okay. You're surviving and that's not failure. But you want more than survival and that's not selfish. So what's next? Well, it's time to get honest. Honest with yourself about what you're actually experiencing. Honest with him about what you need.

honest about what has to change if this marriage is going to become something you can thrive in, not just continue to survive in. And that honesty might sound like, love you and I'm struggling. This marriage doesn't feel the way that I need it to feel. And I want to figure out how we get there together. Maybe you say, I've been grieving the connection we used to have and I'm ready to rebuild it, but I can't do it alone.

Maybe you say, I need you to know I'm not okay with how things are and I'm willing to work on this, but I need to know if you're willing to. That conversation, that can be the bridge, the bridge between this brittleness and honesty, between surviving and the possibility of thriving, between doing it all alone and inviting him to partner with you. And yes, it's scary. And yes, it's vulnerable, but it's also the most powerful thing you can do because until you can get honest, nothing

can change, and you deserve a marriage where you don't have to pretend. Here's what I know for sure, that grief you're feeling, it's real. The disappointment, the loneliness, the quiet heartbreak of realizing the marriage you have isn't the one that you thought you'd have. That's all real and it's all valid, but it doesn't have to be the end of the story because you have more power than you think. You have the power to change how you experience your marriage, the power to show up differently starting today.

the power to get honest about what you need and create the conditions for something better. And that power, when you step into it, it changes everything. Not because it forces him to change, but because it frees you to stop waiting for him. You can start experiencing your marriage differently right now by changing what you focus on, what you expect, how you show up, what you ask for, what you tolerate. And then when you're ready, you can have the conversation.

The one where you stop pretending and start being honest. The one where you invite him to meet you in the work of rebuilding. And that's exactly what the free guide, he doesn't get it yet. What I Wish My Husband Knew is designed to help you do. Inside it, you're gonna get language for naming the grief so that you can tell him what you're actually feeling without sounding like you're attacking him. You're gonna get a framework for the conversation so you can be honest without being cruel. And you're gonna get clarity about what you need and how to invite him to be part of the rebuilding of the connection.

And here's what makes this even more powerful. Once you have the conversation using the guide, you'll be ready for the marriage maps. There's one for him, there's one for you. And these maps will help both of you name what you're grieving, identify what you need to feel connected again, create a shared vision for what thriving looks like and take practical steps towards rebuilding together. This is how you move from grief to hope. It's not by pretending everything's fine and it's not by waiting for him to magically change.

but by taking your power back and inviting him to grow with you. You can grab the he doesn't get it yet guide at midlifemarriagefreeguide.com or check the show notes. And once you download it, dive in. And if this episode resonated, and if you feel that quiet grief of the is this all there is ache, I hope you also feel the hope that you have power. You have your own power. And if you know someone who needs to hear

who needs to learn about the same power that she has, send it to her. She needs to hear this episode too. So tomorrow we're going to be diving into an episode where we talk about, miss being touched, but I don't want to be touched. We're going to talk about how the emotional load rewires desire and why physical intimacy breaks down in midlife marriage. Until then, friend, give yourself permission to grieve what you've lost and then give yourself permission to experience your marriage differently.

The grief is real, but so is your power to change how you show up. And it starts with honesty, honesty with yourself and honesty with him. Until we talk in the next episode, friend, let's jump in and get that conversation started.