Ep. 187: I Miss Being Touched — But I Don't Want to Be Touched

Let me tell you about a paradox that plagues midlife women.

She misses being touched.

She misses feeling desired. Wanted. Connected.

She misses the intimacy that used to come naturally.

But when he reaches for her?

She pulls away.

Not because she doesn't want connection.

But because intimacy feels like one more thing on her to-do list.

One more person needing something from her body.

One more demand she doesn't have the capacity to meet.

And then she feels guilty.

Because she knows he's confused. Hurt. Frustrated.

Because she knows this is a problem.

Because she knows she should want intimacy—but she just... doesn't.

Let’s unpack this on this paradox episode today.

This is Episode 8 of the series: "Marriage Conversations Midlife Besties Are Having (But Afraid to Say Out Loud)."

I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and this is The Intentional Midlife Mom podcast.

Let's dive in.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Free guide: He Doesn't Get It (Yet): How to Help Him See What You're Carrying—Without Starting Another Fight - GET IT HERE
• Check out all the marriage resources at: https://www.jenniferroskamp.com/midlife-marriages-maps

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Transcript

Well, I'm going to repeat this paradox again because I think it is, we just need to talk about it again. So there's this paradox that midlife women are experiencing. She misses being touched. She misses feeling desired. She misses feeling wanted and connected. She misses the intimacy in marriage that used to come naturally. But now when he reaches for her, she pulls away, not because she doesn't want connection, but because intimacy feels like one more thing on her to do list.

It's one more person needing something from her. It's one more demand that she doesn't have the capacity to meet. And then she feels guilty because she knows that he's confused and hurt and frustrated. And she knows that this is a problem. She knows that she's the problem because she should want intimacy, but she just doesn't. And the guilt, it makes her pull away even more, which makes the distance grow, which makes the intimacy feel even more impossible. And round and round it goes.

Here's what I need you to understand. This isn't about intimacy. It's about safety When you don't feel emotionally safe or seen or supported your body shuts down and it's not because there's anything wrong It's not because you're broken. It's not because you're frigid and it's it's it's not because there actually is something physically wrong with you Physical intimacy it requires emotional safety for women and right now you likely don't feel safe But here's the powerful part

you can start rebuilding that safety all on your own. You don't have to wait for him to create the perfect conditions. You can start reclaiming your body, your desire, your sense of safety right now. And when you do that, everything starts to shift. This is episode eight in the series I'm Calling Marriage Conversations That Midlife Besties Are Having But Afraid To Say Out Loud.

And I am Jennifer Rastkamp and I am excited that you are here today. So over the last seven episodes, we've been unpacking the hard truths about midlife marriage. The loneliness, the invisible load, the grief, the brittleness, all the things that make you feel disconnected even when you're in the same house. And I'm not a marriage expert, but I am someone who's been married for 30 years. I am someone who has been raising

nine kids alongside my husband. And so I'm living this reality alongside all of you. And I'm having these conversations with my midlife best friends. And this is that collective conversation that we're all having. These conversations that we've had throughout this 10 episode series, these are the things that midlife women are saying everywhere. And we feel guilty for having these conversations. But when we start having conversations like this,

This is when we can finally start moving forward. This is when we can step into change, when we can understand what's actually happening and learn how to communicate what we actually need so that things can actually change, so that we can actually experience our lives in a different way. So today we're talking about one of what I think is the most painful disconnections, one of the most painful disconnections that we can have, and that is physical intimacy.

or more specifically the loss of it. Because here's what so many women are experiencing. They miss connection, they miss closeness, they miss feeling desired. But when their husband reaches for them, they freeze, they pull away, they make excuses. And it's not because they don't care. And it's not because they're trying to punish him. It's because intimacy feels like a demand.

when there's no emotional connection. And so today we're gonna be unpacking why you don't feel safe or seen or supported and how that kills desire. We're gonna talk about how your nervous system is protecting you and what that means. And then we're gonna talk about how you can start reclaiming safety in your own body, even if he's not doing the work. And here's what I really want you to hear. There's nothing wrong with your desire or lack thereof. It's just buried.

And you can start uncovering it with or without him. You don't have to wait for the perfect conditions. You can start creating safety for yourself right now, and then everything can change. So let's start with what's actually happening when he reaches for her. Whether it's a hand on her leg, a kiss that lingers, a look that says, later tonight, her body freezes. Her body tenses up, and it's not because she doesn't love him, and it's not even because she's not attracted to him, but it's because

Her nervous system is screaming, I can't take one more thing. She's been giving and giving and giving all day. Maybe giving to kids, managing meltdowns, managing sibling fights, holding space for their anxiety about school and friends and the decisions they need to make in life. She's been giving at her job, showing up, producing, performing, even when she's running on empty. She's been giving to the household, the endless meals, the laundry, the planning, the organizing, the mental tracking of all the things.

The volunteer commitment she can't seem to say no to. And by the time night rolls around, she's got nothing left. Her body is depleted. Her mind is fried. And her emotional tank, it's just empty. And then he wants her body too. And it doesn't feel like connection to her. It feels more like a demand. It's one more person who needs something from her. One more thing she has to give when she has nothing left to give. So.

Let me paint you a picture. She finally has a moment to herself after an exhausting day. She spent the evening worrying about her college-aged daughter who's struggling with anxiety and called twice crying. She had a tense phone call with her aging mother who's refusing to discuss assisted living, even though she's steadily declining. She's dealt with a work crisis that bled into her evening and she made dinner, she cleaned up, and she handled all of the logistics for tomorrow.

So she's finally collapsed on the couch, physically and emotionally spent. She's thinking about everything she still needs to do, the conversation she still needs to have with her son about his lack of direction, the decision she needs to make about her mother's care, the work deadline that she's behind on, the health issue that she's been ignoring because everyone else's problems feel more urgent. Her mind is racing, her body is exhausted, her nervous system is fried. And then he sits next to her. He puts his hand on her leg, he starts kissing her neck, and instead of feeling desired,

She just feels dread. And it's not because she doesn't love him. It's because she can't add one more thing to her plate right now. She can't shift gears from survival mode to intimate connection. She can't go from managing everyone else's needs to suddenly being present for his. So she pulls away and she says she's tired. She says she has a headache. She says maybe tomorrow. And she does feel guilty. She knows he's hurt. She knows this is a problem.

But she also knows that she can't say yes to something that just feels like an obligation. And here's what he doesn't understand. For her, physical intimacy, it isn't separate from emotional intimacy. She can't just turn it on when there's been no connection all day. She can't go from managing the household, carrying the emotional load, and feeling invisible to suddenly being present and engaged in intimacy. Her body just doesn't work that way. And...

When he acts confused or hurt or frustrated, when he says things like, you never want to anymore, what's wrong with you? Or I'm just trying to be close to you. It makes her feel even worse. Now she's not just exhausted, now she's actually broken. She's inadequate. She's failing as a wife. And that shame, that pressure, it pushes the desire even further away. But speaking to the women, here's what's actually happening in your body. When you are carrying the emotional load of the entire household and family,

Your nervous system is constantly in survival mode. You're in fight or flight mode. You're hypervigilant. You're scanning for what needs to be done next. You're managing everyone's emotions. You're anticipating everyone's needs. You're worrying about everything that could go wrong. Your body is flooded with cortisol, the stress hormone. And here's what cortisol does. It shuts down all non-essential functions, including desire. Because when your body thinks you're in danger, when it's in survival mode,

Reproduction is just not a priority, safety is. And so the more stressed you are, the more your body shuts down. It's not a choice, it's biology. Your body is literally saying, we can't afford to be vulnerable right now, we need to survive. And that's what's happening in midlife marriages all the time. She's carrying too much mentally, emotionally, physically, that her body has no capacity left for desire. Every ounce of energy

is going towards survival, keeping everything functioning, keeping the family moving, managing the chaos, holding everything together. And so there's nothing left for intimacy. And here's what makes it worse. When she pulls away, when she says no or makes excuses, he gets hurt and frustrated and defensive. He makes the hurtful comments. What's wrong with you? Don't you love me? And those comments, they make her feel even less safe. Now she's not just exhausted and overwhelmed.

Now she's also inadequate and broken and failing, and the shame and the pressure, it does push that desire even farther away. Because now intimacy isn't just something she doesn't have capacity for, now it's something that she feels guilty about not wanting, and guilt is one of the most powerful desire killers that there is. And so, she shuts down even more. And the distance grows and the cycle continues.

But here's what you need to understand. Your body is not broken. Your body is actually doing exactly what it's supposed to. It's protecting you. It's prioritizing your survival. And until you feel safe emotionally, mentally, physically, desire isn't going to return. But here's the powerful part. You don't have to wait for him to create that safety. You can start creating it yourself. Here's what most women don't realize. You have more power over your desire than you think.

Now, you can't force desire, you can't manufacture it out of nowhere, but you can create the conditions where desire has room to return. And you can start doing that right now with or without his help. Here's how. Number one, reduce the load, even if you're the only one doing it. Your body can't relax into desire when it's in constant survival mode. So the first step is to lighten the load. Figure out how to make the load you carry every day just a little bit lighter.

You don't have to do it perfectly. You don't have to do it all at once, but you have to start. What one small thing can you take off your plate this week? What can you delegate or just not do? What can you stop mentally tracking? Probably a lot. Maybe you order takeout twice this week instead of cooking. Maybe you let the laundry pile up for a few extra days. Maybe you let your kids handle their own conflict rather than trying to smooth it over and mediate everything yourself.

Maybe you stop checking in on everyone and everyone else's emotions and let them just come to you when they need you. The goal isn't perfection. The goal is just to create some space, space where your nervous system can start to calm down. And when your nervous system calms down, then you have room for desire to come in. The second thing to do is reconnect with your body, not for him, but for you.

One of the reasons that desire disappears is because you've become disconnected from your own body. You're living in your head all of the time. You're thinking and overthinking and making decisions and overanalyzing and planning and worrying and managing. And so essentially your body has become a tool. It's a thing that gets you through the day. It's a vehicle for everyone else's needs. And so you need to reconnect with it, not for intimacy, but for you. And so what does that look like?

Maybe it's moving your body in a way that helps you feel like you're processing. Maybe it's a walk. Maybe it's yoga. Maybe it's putting on some music and dancing in your kitchen. Maybe it's taking a long shower where you actually pay attention to how the water feels on your skin and not thinking and planning and over analyzing and making decisions. You don't have to solve the world's problems while in the shower. Maybe it's putting lotion on after your shower and noticing how that feels.

and not rushing through the process. Maybe it's wearing clothes that make you feel good in your body, not just functional clothes that get you through the day. The point is that in examples like these, you're reclaiming your body as yours, not a thing that just serves everyone else. Not a thing that's broken because it doesn't want intimacy right now, but a body that's yours that deserves to feel good and be cared for and be honored. And when you start reconnecting with your body,

Desire can start to wake up too. The third thing that you can do is create moments of pleasure that have nothing to do with him. Desire doesn't come back when you're depleted. It comes back when you remember what pleasure feels like. So start creating small moments of pleasure throughout your day that have nothing to do with intimacy or with him. What feels good to you? Maybe it's your favorite coffee first thing in the morning.

Maybe it's actually sitting and savoring that cup of coffee instead of gulping it down while multitasking when it's already cold. Maybe it's a bouquet of fresh flowers on your table. Maybe it's a splash of perfume or essential oils. Maybe it's reading a book that has nothing to do with self-improvement or learning in any way. Maybe it's listening to music that makes you feel calm or maybe it's music that makes you feel alive. Maybe it's just sitting and taking five minutes to sit in the sun.

to do nothing. Don't think, don't analyze, don't make decisions. Just sit and do nothing. The point is that you're teaching your body that pleasure is possible, that good feelings can exist, and that you're allowed to enjoy things. And when your body remembers that pleasure is possible, it starts to open up to the idea of intimate pleasure too. The fourth thing, set a boundary around guilt.

That guilt that you feel about not wanting intimacy, is making everything worse. So here's the boundary that you need to set with yourself. I will not guilt myself for what my body needs right now. I will not guilt myself for what my body needs right now. Your body is tired. Your nervous system is fried. Your capacity is maxed out.

That's not failure, that's the reality of where you live. And shaming yourself for it, it doesn't create desire, it just adds more stress. And so give yourself permission to be exactly where you are and exactly how you are. You need to give yourself permission to say, my desire is buried right now. And that makes sense given everything that I'm carrying. I'm not broken, I'm not failing, I'm overwhelmed. And that is a totally different thing.

I can want connection and not have the capacity for it right now. Both things can be true at the same time. Get rid of the guilt. That's what you need to do. The fifth thing is to communicate what you need clearly and without apology. Because here's the hard part. At some point you have to tell him what's going on. Not in an accusatory way, not blaming, but as truth.

I miss feeling connected to you too, but I need emotional intimacy before I can be physically intimate. And right now I just don't feel that connection. You could also say, I'm carrying so much emotional weight that my body has nothing left. I need you to help lighten the load if you want intimacy to return. You could also say, desire doesn't work for me the same way it works for you. I need safety first. I need to feel seen and understood and heard first. I need to feel connected to you throughout the day.

Not just when it's time for intimacy and yes, this conversation could be uncomfortable but it's necessary because until he understands what's actually happening in your body and why he's going to keep taking it personally and you're going to keep feeling guilty but when you name the truth you give him a chance to understand to make adjustments and to meet you where you actually are and You give yourself permission to stop pretending so

Here's what I need you to hear. Your desire isn't gone. It's not dead. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. Your desire is just buried and it's buried under the weight of everything that you're carrying. It's buried under the stress of constant survival mode. It's buried under the exhaustion of being the only one who manages pretty much everything. It's buried under the resentment of feeling unseen and unsupported, but it is still there and it's waiting. It's waiting for safety. It's waiting for space.

It's waiting for your nervous system to calm down enough to believe that pleasure is actually possible. And when those conditions exist, desire can then come back. I've seen it happen over and over again. A woman who hasn't felt desire in years suddenly feels it again, not because she tried harder or forced it, but because something different entirely has shifted. Maybe she's lightened her load. Maybe she started reconnecting with her body. Maybe she started to set boundaries and created space.

Maybe he started showing up differently. Maybe he started really listening. Maybe she stopped guilting herself and started honoring where she actually was. And slowly her body started to feel safe again. And with safety came openness. And with openness came desire. Not forced, not manufactured, not pretending, but real, natural, and genuine. Because that's how desire works for most women. It doesn't respond to pressure or guilt or obligation.

It responds to safety and to space and to connection. And when those things are present, then desire can follow. And it's not always, and it's not immediately, and it's not always perfectly, but it does follow because your desire isn't broken. It's just waiting for the right conditions to emerge again. And you can start creating those conditions right now with or without him. So here's where we land in all of this. It's in knowing again that you're not

broken, your body isn't broken, it's protecting you. And that you have power. You have power here, power to start creating safety for yourself, even if you're the only one doing the work. But at some point, you need to have the conversation, the one where you help them understand what's happening in your body and why. Again, not as an accusation and not to place blame, but as an invitation. I miss feeling connected to you.

but I need emotional safety before I can be physically intimate. And here's what that looks like for me. You could also say, I'm caring so much that my body has just shut down. If you want intimacy to return, I need your help creating the conditions where it can. You could also say, desire doesn't just happen for me. I need connection first throughout the day, not just at bedtime. And that conversation, that can be the bridge.

The bridge between where you are now and where you and he want to be. The bridge between buried desire and awakened desire. The bridge between doing it all alone and partnering together to create the conditions for intimacy. And that conversation, doesn't have to be scary. It just has to be honest. Because here's what I know for sure. There's nothing broken here. Your desire is just buried under stress.

under exhaustion, under the weight of everything that you've been carrying, but it's still there and it's waiting for that safety, it's waiting for that space, and it's waiting for reconnection. And you don't have to wait for him to create that. You can do that in the ways that we mentioned. You can lighten your load, even if you're the only one doing it. You can reconnect with your body for you. You can create moments of pleasure, helping yourself remember that joy is possible and these things have nothing to do with him.

And you can set that boundary around guilt and give yourself permission to be where you are. And then when you're ready, have the conversation, the one where you help him understand what you need for your desire to return. I promise he wants to know. And that's why I created the free guide. He doesn't get it yet. What I wish my husband knew it's going to help you do this inside. You're going to get language for the conversation. And by the way, this guide is free, but you're going to get language for the conversation so you can explain

what's happening in your body without making him defensive. You'll get a framework for asking for what you need, clearly and directly, with many less words than you'd probably use on your own. You'll also get tools for creating safety together, so desire has room to return. And here's what makes this even more powerful. After you have the conversation using that guide, you'll be ready for the next steps, the marriage maps. I've created these too. There's one for you.

There's one for him and the maps will help both of you understand what's blocking intimacy for each of you. You'll be able to identify what each of you needs to feel safe and connected and it will help you create a shared plan for rebuilding intimacy together. And that is how desire returns. It's not by forcing it. It's not by guilting yourself into it, but by creating safety in your body, in your nervous system, in your marriage, and then inviting him to partner with you in rebuilding connection. You can grab that.

free guide at midlifemarriagefreeguide.com or you can check the notes. And once you download it, you'll get immediate access. Read through it. Start having that conversation. It might be bumpy, it might be messy, it might be uncomfortable, but it is the first step in rebuilding connection. It is the first step in moving forward in the conversations that midlife women are having but afraid.

to stay out loud. It's time to say these things out loud. So in the next episode, we're going to be talking about it shouldn't take a breakdown to get his attention. We're going to be talking about how women are forced to collapse before their husband's notice and why that cycle needs to stop. Until then, friend, give yourself permission to give your body what it needs to honor yourself and download the free guide so you can have that conversation and finally start

to move forward into the connected, safe, joyful marriage that you've always wanted. Until then, make it a great day.