The Intentional Midlife Mom Podcast | Simple, Practical Life, Home & Mindset Solutions for Moms Over 40

Ep. 188: It Shouldn't Take a Breakdown to Get His Attention

• Season 2 • Episode 188

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Let me tell you about a cycle that's breaking midlife women.

She tries to communicate. Calmly. Clearly. Directly.

She says: "I'm overwhelmed."

She says: "I need help."

She says: "Something has to change."

And he nods. He says "okay." He makes a token effort.

And then... nothing changes.

So she tries again. And again. And again.

Until finally, she stops trying.

She goes quiet. She shuts down. She stops asking.

And he thinks everything's fine.

Until she breaks.

Until the stress, the exhaustion, the loneliness—all of it—becomes too much.

Until she explodes. Or collapses. Or both.

And suddenly?

Now he's paying attention.

Now he's asking what's wrong.

Now he's concerned. Now he wants to help. Now he wants to fix it.

And she's sitting there thinking:

"I've been telling you for months. Why did I have to fall apart for you to finally hear me?"

Here's what I need you to understand:

This cycle is not sustainable.

But it's also not inevitable.

You don't have to break down to be heard. You don't have to explode to be taken seriously.

There's a different way to communicate—one that gets his attention BEFORE you collapse.

And you can start using it today.

This is Episode 9 of the series: "Marriage Conversations Midlife Besties Are Having (But Afraid to Say Out Loud)."

I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and this is The Intentional Midlife Mom podcast.

Let's dive in.

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Well, so many midlife women experience this endless cycle of talking, of letting him in, of hinting, of telling him directly, and even him saying he gets it, but nothing actually changes. And so you keep trying and trying and trying, and each time you feel like you have less left in you to keep trying. And so suddenly, finally, you just stop because it's just not working. And so then you finally break. Maybe it looks like a breakdown. Maybe it looks like an explosion. Maybe it...

Looks like collapsing, maybe it's all of it. And now, now he's paying attention. But you're left wanting to scream, I've been telling you this for months, why did I have to fall apart for you to finally hear me? And here's what I need you to understand, this cycle is not sustainable, but it's also not inevitable. You don't have to break down to be heard. You don't have to explode to be taken seriously. There's a different way to communicate, one that gets his attention before you collapse, and you can start using it today.

This is episode nine in the series, Marriage Conversations Midlife Besties Are Having But Afraid to Say Out Loud. And I'm so excited that you are here. So we're almost at the end of this series and this is episode nine of this 10 part series. And if you've been following along from the beginning, you know we've covered a lot of ground. The loneliness, the invisible load, the loss of intimacy, all the ways that midlife marriage can leave you feeling unseen and unheard and utterly exhausted. so...

Today we're tackling one of the most frustrating patterns of all. It's having to break down before he pays attention. Because here's what so many women experience. They try to communicate, they ask for help, they name what's not working, and they get dismissed or minimized or ignored until they lose it, until they can't hold it together anymore. And suddenly, finally he's listening. And so today we're unpacking why your calm communication gets dismissed and what that means. We're gonna talk about why the breakdown cycle happens and why it has to stop.

And then we're going to talk about how to be heard before the fire with language that actually lands. By the end of our time here today, you'll understand why you've been stuck in this pattern and how to break it. You deserve to be heard the first time. And today I'm going to show you how. let's go. Well, we need to start with what happens before the breakdown, because here's the thing. She doesn't start by exploding. She starts by trying to communicate calmly, clearly, directly. She says things like,

I'm overwhelmed right now. I need more help with all of this stuff. I'm struggling. I need you to take on more." And he responds with things like, you're always overwhelmed or just tell me what you need me to do, or you're always overreacting. Maybe he dismisses her and so she tries again more specifically this time. I need you to take over dinner three nights this week. I need you to handle the conversation with your mom about her declining health. I need you to notice when I'm drowning and step in without me having to ask. And he says, okay.

And he does it once, maybe twice, and then it stops. And so she's minimized. And so then she tries a different approach. She brings data. She says, I've been tracking and I'm handling 80 % of the household management. That's not sustainable. Maybe she says, I've been up at 2 a.m. for the last week worrying about our daughter. I need you to worry with me. Or she says, I'm exhausted, I'm burned out. Something has to give. And he says, you're not the only one who's tired. You're being dramatic. Or I don't know what you want from me. And this is invalidating her.

And these patterns, they happen over and over again. She tries being calm. She tries being direct. She tries being emotional. She tries being logical. And nothing lands, and here's why. It's because she's still functioning, and so he doesn't believe it's that bad. She's still getting the kids to school, still making dinner, still keeping the household running. So from his perspective, she's handling it. She's managing. She's fine. She's stressed, maybe, but she's always a little stressed. That's just how she is.

He doesn't see the internal battle, the sleepless nights, the constant mental load, the emotional exhaustion. He just sees, well, she's still doing everything, so it can't be that serious. Her competence is working against her. The better she is at holding it together, the less urgent it feels to him. And the less urgent it feels to him, the less he responds. And here's the hard truth. Calm communication only works when the listener believes you. And right now, he doesn't believe you're as close to the edge as you actually are.

And it's not because he's cruel and it's not because he doesn't care, but because you've been so good at managing everything that he genuinely doesn't see how bad it is. So what do you do? Do you just accept that calm doesn't work? That you have to fall apart to be heard? No, you change how you communicate, not by being calmer, not by being nicer, but by being starker. So let me show you what happens when calm communication, it fails for too long.

She stops trying because what's the point? If she's gonna be dismissed anyway, why keep exhausting herself trying to be heard? And so she goes quiet. She stops asking for help. She stops trying to explain. She stops hoping he'll notice. She just puts her head down and keeps going. And he thinks everything's fine because she's not complaining anymore. She's not asking for help. She's handling it like she always does. And so from his perspective, the problem's solved. But from her perspective, she's drowning and he doesn't even see it.

And then inevitably she breaks, not because she wants to, not because she's being dramatic or emotional, but because she's human and humans have limits. And when you hit yours, it's not pretty. Maybe it's an explosion. You finally snap, you yell, you say things you don't mean or things you absolutely do mean, but wish you'd said differently. You rage about everything he's been doing wrong, everything you've been carrying alone, everything that's been building for months or years. Or maybe it's a collapse. You get out of bed, you can't stop crying, you can't function.

The weight of it all finally crushes you and your body, just shuts down. You withdraw, you go numb, you stop caring about anything. And suddenly, now he's paying attention. Now he's knocking on the bedroom door asking, what's wrong? What happened? Talk to me. Now he's concerned, worried, ready to help. He's asking, why didn't you tell me it was this bad? He's saying, I didn't know you were struggling this much. He's promising, just tell me what you need and I'll do it. And you're still sitting there thinking, I've been telling you for months. I asked for help, you dismissed me.

I told you what I needed. You didn't listen. I told you I was drowning. You told me I was overreacting. And now, now you're finally hearing me?" And that, that's almost more painful than the breakdown itself because what it tells you is you have to fall apart to be taken seriously. You have to explode to be heard. You have to collapse to get his attention. Your calm communication is not enough. Your direct requests, they're not enough either. Your clear explanations, they're not enough. Only your breakdown is enough.

Only your breakdown is enough. And once you learn that pattern, it becomes the only way you know of, it becomes the only way you know to get through to him. And so the next time you're overwhelmed, you skip the calm communication. You jump right to it because you know the calm communication won't work. You skip the direct request because you know he'll dismiss them. And you just carry it until you break again because that's the only language he seems to understand, your breakdown.

And that cycle, it's toxic because you're learning that you don't matter until you're in crisis. And for him, because he's living in perpetual confusion, he's thinking everything's fine until suddenly it's not. And it's toxic for the marriage because every breakdown, it erodes a little bit more trust, a little bit more connection, a little bit more hope that things can actually change. And this cycle has to stop. And you're the one who has to stop it, not because it's your fault, but because you're the one who sees it clearly.

And so here's the question you're probably asking. If calm doesn't work and breakdowns aren't sustainable, what am I supposed to do? Well, here's the answer. You use language that makes the invisible visible before you hit your breaking point. You communicate in a way that he can't dismiss or minimize or miss, not by being louder, not by being meaner, but by being starker. So here's what that looks like. Number one, name where you actually are without softening it.

Instead of saying, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, say, I'm not okay, I'm at my limit. And if nothing changes, I'm going to break. Instead of saying, I could use some help around here, say, I'm drowning, I'm carrying more than one person can carry, and I need you to see that. Instead of, it would be nice if you could help with the kids more, say, I need you to step it up with the kids consistently, or I'm not gonna make it through this season. The difference is that you're not hinting, you're not softening, you're not managing his feelings, you're telling the stark truth

about where you are. And stark truth is harder to dismiss. Number two, make it about the future, not just the present. He's dismissing you because he doesn't understand the trajectory. He thinks, she's stressed now, but she'll be fine. She always is. And so you have to show him where this is heading if nothing changes. Instead of I'm tired, say, I'm exhausted. And if this continues, I'm gonna burn out completely. That's not a threat. It's just what's gonna happen. Instead of saying,

I need more support to say, I can't keep going like this. Something will break, either me or the marriage, and I don't want it to be either. You're not being dramatic, you're being honest about the trajectory. And trajectory matters because it shows him this isn't just a bad day, this is a pattern that's heading someplace he doesn't want it to go. The third thing, remove the buffer of I'm fine. You've probably been protecting him from the reality of how bad it actually is. You say I'm fine when you're not fine.

You smile through exhaustion. You keep everything running so smoothly that he doesn't see the effort it takes. So stop doing that. Stop protecting him from the truth. Not in a cruel way and not to punish him, but because he needs to see what's actually happening. Instead of I'm fine, I'm just tired, say I'm not fine and I have not been fine for a while. I need you to know that. Instead of saying yes when you want to say no, say I can't take that on right now. I'm at capacity.

Instead of managing everything so he doesn't have to think about it, say, I can't manage this alone anymore. I need you to start noticing what needs to happen without me telling you. You're not being mean, you're being honest. And honesty is what creates change. Number four, ask the question that requires a response. Sometimes he dismisses you because your statements don't require him to do anything. So instead of making statements, ask questions that force engagement and participation.

Instead of saying I'm overwhelmed, say, I'm overwhelmed. What are you willing to take off my plate this week? Instead of I need more support, say, I need more support. Are you willing to step up or do we need to have a bigger conversation about what's not really working here? Instead of this isn't sustainable, say, this isn't sustainable. What are you willing to change so that we don't have to keep living like this? This forces him to engage. He can't just nod and move on. He has to answer. And his answer tells you everything you need to know about whether he's willing to change.

or whether you're going to have to keep having the same conversation until you break again. Number five, set a boundary around this cycle. Here's the most powerful thing you can say. I'm not doing this cycle anymore. I'm not willing to wait until I break for you to pay attention. From now on, when I tell you I'm struggling, I need you to believe me the first time. Or maybe you say I'm done minimizing how bad it is so that you can feel more comfortable. If I say I need help, I need you to act on it. Or,

Maybe you say, I'm not gonna fall apart to prove to you that I'm serious. So when I tell you that something needs to change, I need you to take me seriously before it gets to that point. That's what a boundary looks like. And boundaries change the dynamic because now he knows she's not gonna keep playing this game. She's not gonna suffer in silence until she collapses. She's gonna tell him clearly when something's wrong. And if he doesn't respond, she's going to make some different decisions.

So here's what happens when you start using this kind of language. Number one, you take back your power. You're no longer at the mercy of whether he notices, whether he cares, whether he responds. You're stating the truth clearly and you're giving him the information he needs to decide how he's gonna show up. And if he doesn't show up, well then you have that clarity. You're not stuck wondering, maybe he just didn't realize how bad it was. He knows and he knows because you told him. And now you know whether he's willing to change.

Number two, it allows you to stop being invisible. When you're calm and competent in managing everything, you disappear. But when you start being honest about how hard it actually is, you become visible again. He can't unsee it. He can't unhear it. And that visibility creates the conditions for change. Number three, you interrupt the pattern. The breakdown cycle only continues if you keep playing your part. But when you refuse to wait until you break, when you communicate before you're at your limit, the pattern has become disrupted.

and he has to decide, is he gonna step it up now or is he gonna wait till it's too late? Number four, you model healthy communication. You're teaching him and yourself that you don't have to be in crisis to deserve attention. You don't have to fall apart to matter. You can ask for what you need before you're desperate and that's a healthier way to live for both of you. Number five, you protect the marriage. Every breakdown erodes trust. It erodes connection. It erodes hope.

But when you communicate before the breakdown, you're protecting the marriage from the damage that comes with the repeated collapse. You're giving it a chance to heal before the wounds can get too deep. And here's what you really need to hear. You shouldn't have to break down to be heard. You shouldn't have to explode to get his intention. You shouldn't have to collapse for him to finally see what you've been carrying. You deserve to be taken seriously the first time. When you say, I'm overwhelmed, he should believe you. When you say, I need help, he should act on it.

When you say something has to change, he should take that seriously, not wait to see if you really mean it. And if he's not doing that, it's time to change how you communicate, not by being calmer, not by being nicer, but by being starker, by being more direct, by being more honest about where you actually are, by making the invisible visible before you hit your breaking point, by asking questions that require responses, by setting boundaries around the cycle. And if he still doesn't hear you, well, then you have your information.

Information that tells you he's not willing to change unless there's a crisis. And you get to decide what to do with that information, but at least you gave it everything you had. You communicated clearly, and at least you gave him every opportunity to step it up. And you didn't have to break yourself in the process in order to do that. Here's what I know for sure. You shouldn't have to break down to be heard, and you shouldn't have to explode to get his attention. And collapse isn't what's necessary either. You deserve to be taken seriously the first time, and it is possible.

not by trying harder to make him understand, not by waiting until you hit your limit, but by changing how you communicate before the breakdown, by being stark, indirect, and honest about where you actually are, by making the invisible visible, by refusing to minimize what's true. And that's exactly what the free guide, he doesn't get it yet, is designed to help you do. Inside it, you're gonna get language that lands so that you can communicate the depth of what you're carrying without having to break down first.

You're gonna get a framework for making the invisible visible so that he finally sees what he's been missing. You're gonna get tools for being heard before the fire so that you don't have to explode to get his attention. And here's what makes this even more powerful. After you have that conversation using the guide, you'll be ready for the marriage maps. It's what comes next. The maps will help both of you understand the position you've been stuck in, identify what needs to change for you to be heard earlier, to create a plan for preventing breakdowns, not just responding to them after the fact.

and it's gonna help you build the new way of communicating that works before the crisis hits. There's maps for you, there's maps for him, there's things to read, there's things to watch, there's things to listen to. You decide how you want to learn with the maps and how he wants to learn with the maps. It's all there for you. This is how you break the cycle. It's not by breaking down, it's not by exploding, but by being honest before you hit your limit. You can grab the free guide.

He doesn't get it yet at midlifemarriagesfreeguide.com or check out the show notes. And once you download it, use it. So we're gonna be wrapping up this series with episode 10. We're gonna be talking about what if it's not too late? We're gonna talk about how to start over again. Not completely over, but with more honesty, with more understanding and with far less pretending. Until then friend, give yourself permission to be heard before the breakdown and.

We'll continue this conversation in the next episode.