Ep. 189: What If It's Not Too Late?

We've covered a lot of ground over the last nine episodes.

The loneliness. The invisible load. The one-sided growth.

The grief. The loss of intimacy. The cycle of breakdowns.

All the ways midlife marriage can leave you feeling unseen, unheard, and utterly exhausted.

And maybe—if you've been listening from the beginning—you're sitting there thinking:

"Okay. I see it now. I understand what's happening. But is it too late?"

"Have we gone too far?"

"Is the damage already done?"

"Can we actually come back from this?"

Here's what I want you to hear:

It's not too late.

Not if you're both willing.

Not if there's still something worth fighting for.

Not if you're ready to do something different.

You don't need to burn it down.

But you can't keep pretending either.

This is about starting again—not over.

About rebuilding on truth instead of tolerance.

About choosing honesty over hiding.

And about believing that what you have can become what you need.

Because here's what I've learned:

Marriages don't die from one big moment. They die from a thousand small disconnections.

And if disconnection can happen slowly—reconnection can too.

This is Episode 10—the series finale of: "Marriage Conversations Midlife Besties Are Having (But Afraid to Say Out Loud)."

I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and this is The Intentional Midlife Mom podcast.

Let's finish strong.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Free guide: He Doesn't Get It (Yet): How to Help Him See What You're Carrying—Without Starting Another Fight - GET IT HERE
• Check out all the marriage resources at: https://www.jenniferroskamp.com/midlife-marriages-maps

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Midlife Marriage Challenges
• 1:31 Hope and Recovery in Relationships
• 2:48 Rebuilding Instead of Starting Over
• 5:37 The Importance of Honest Conversations
• 10:00 Creating a Shared Vision for the Future
• 12:55 Recognizing Willingness and Commitment
• 15:47 Taking Action Towards Change

Transcript

Well, can we actually recover from this? Are we too far gone? Here's what I need you to hear if you're wondering this. It's not too late. Especially not if you're both willing. And not if there's something worth fighting for. Not if you're ready to do something different. You don't need to burn it all down and start completely over, but you can't keep pretending either. This is about starting again, not starting over. It's about rebuilding on truth instead of tolerance.

It's about choosing honesty over hiding and about believing that what you have can become what you need. Because here's what I've learned. Marriages don't die from one big moment. They die from a thousand small disconnections. And if disconnection can happen slowly, reconnection can happen too. This is episode 10 in the series finale of marriage conversations midlife besties are having. And if you've been with me from the beginning, thank you. I know that these episodes have not been easy. We've

talked about hard things, we've sat in uncomfortable truths, and we've looked at what's broken and why, and now we're gonna talk about hope, not the fake kind. We're not gonna talk about toxic positivity either. We're gonna talk about real hope, the kind that's built on honesty, not pretending. The kind that says this is hard and it's gonna take work, but it's possible. And so today we're wrapping up this entire series with you don't need to burn it down, but you do need to be honest.

We're gonna talk about what starting again, not over actually looks like, and how to know if there's real hope in what to do next. And so by the end of our time here today, you'll have clarity about what's possible and what you need to do next, because it's not too late. So, let's get started. You don't have to leave, and you don't have to blow everything up. You don't have to start over from scratch, but you can't keep living like this. You can't keep pretending everything's fine when it's not. You can't keep managing the brittleness and hoping it holds up.

You can't keep carrying the weight alone and calling it a partnership. You can't keep breaking down to be heard and calling it communication. Something does have to change. Not someday. Not when things calm down. Not when the kids are older or the stress eases or life gets less chaotic. Now. Because here's what I've learned. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. The resentment compounds. The distance grows. The patterns calcify. And eventually you hit a point where the marriage isn't worth saving anymore. Not because it's bad, but because you've checked out.

emotionally, completely. And once you've checked out, it's much harder to come back. So if there's still something in you that wants this marriage to work, if there's still a part of you that believes it's worth fighting for, then now is the time not to burn it down, but to be honest about what needs to change. And that starts with a conversation, the conversation that you've been avoiding because you're scared of what might happen, the conversation where you stop managing and start naming, where you stop pretending and start telling the truth. You say things like,

This isn't working and I don't want to keep living like this. I'm lonely, I'm exhausted, I'm resentful and something has to change. I still love you but I don't feel connected to you and I need us to figure out how to rebuild that. I'm not asking you to be perfect, I'm asking you to show up, really show up and I need to know if you're willing to do that. That conversation, that's the beginning, that's not the end, that's the beginning. Because once you name what's true, once you stop pretending, you create space for something different. Maybe he steps it up.

Maybe he finally hears you. Maybe he's waiting for you to be this honest. Or maybe he doesn't. Maybe he gets defensive. Maybe he minimizes or dismisses or tells you you're overreacting. if that happens, at least you'll know. At least you'll have tried. At least you won't spend the rest of your life wondering, what if I had just been more honest? Because here's the thing. You can't rebuild a marriage on pretending. You can only rebuild it on truth. And that requires both of you being willing to face what's actually happening and to do something different.

So let's talk about what rebuilding actually looks like because it's not what most people think. It doesn't mean going back to how things were. It means creating something entirely new, something built on truth instead of tolerance, on honesty instead of hiding, on real partnership instead of parallel functioning. And here's the powerful part. You don't have to start over, you get to start again. Starting over would mean erasing everything, all the years, all the history, all the foundation you've built together, but starting again,

That means taking what you have, including all the hard parts, and building something better from here. You get to keep the history you share, the family you've built, the foundation that's solid, even if parts are cracking. The love that's still there, even if it's buried under resentment. But you also get to change how you communicate, how you share the load, how you create connection, how you show up for each other, how honest you're willing to be. That's starting again. And here's what that looks like practically. Number one, both of you see the truth, not just one of you, but both of you.

You both name what's not working. Maybe you say, we're functioning, but we're not connected. We're surviving, but we're not thriving. We look fine from the outside, but I'm lonely on the inside. Not sugarcoating, no minimizing, no pretending. It's not that bad. Just honest acknowledgement of what's actually true. Number two, both of you own your part. This isn't about blame. This is about ownership. What she owns. I've been over-functioning and then resenting you for not doing more instead of asking clearly for what I need.

Or, I've been protecting you from how bad it really is and then being angry that you don't see it. Or, I've been tolerating things that I shouldn't tolerate and that's made it easier for you to stay comfortable. What he owns, things like I've been coasting, letting you manage everything, not paying attention to what you're carrying. Or, I've been dismissing you when you try to tell me that you're struggling instead of believing you the first time. Or, maybe he says, I've been showing up physically but not emotionally and that's left you feeling alone.

It's ownership without shame, just truth. Number three, both of you commit to doing something different. These are not vague promises. These are specific commitments. Things like, I'm gonna stop over-functioning. I'm going to ask for help before I'm drowning and trust you to step it up. Or, I'm gonna start noticing what needs to be done without being told. I'm going to share the mental load, not just complete tasks. Or, I'm going to stop tolerating what doesn't work. I'm going to name it clearly when something needs to change.

We could also say, I'm going to start listening the first time. When you say you're struggling, I'm going to believe you and act on it. These are specific, actionable, measurable commitments. Number four, both of you create a shared vision. Not, get back to how things were, but what do we want to build from here? What does thriving look like for both of you? What does connection feel like? What does partnership or teamwork actually mean? Not in theory, but in practice. When you

can both name what you're building towards, you have direction and purpose and hope. Number five, both of you show up even when it's hard. And this is the part that determines whether rebuilding works. Because it's not enough to have the conversation, it's not enough to make commitments. You have to both follow through day after day, week after week, even when it's uncomfortable, even when you slip back into old patterns and you will. And even when progress feels slow, you both keep showing up and you both keep being honest.

And when that happens, real change is possible. And so here's the question you're probably asking. How do I know if this is worth fighting for? How do I know if there's real hope? Here's how. Real hope exists when both people are willing to do the work, not just one person, but both. And so the question isn't, can this marriage be saved? The question is, are we both willing to do what it takes to save it? Here's what willingness looks like. Number one, he hears you and he's willing to work on this with you. When you have the conversation, he doesn't just get defensive.

He doesn't dismiss and he doesn't make excuses. He says, I didn't know it was this bad. I want to fix this. Tell me what you need. He shows up to hard conversations with openness and honesty. He's willing to look at his own patterns and make real changes, not just token efforts. He starts noticing what you're carrying and stepping in without being asked. He prioritizes your emotional well-being, not just when you're in crisis, but consistently. That's willingness. Number two, things start shifting, not perfectly, but genuinely.

You're not looking for perfection, you're looking for movement. Does he follow through on what he commits to? Not perfectly, but at least consistently? Does he notice when he slips back into old patterns and correct himself? Does he show up to conversations even when they're uncomfortable? Does he ask questions about what you're experiencing and actually listen to the answers? Movement matters more than perfection. Number three, you both feel the difference. Not immediately, not dramatically, but over time something shifts. The resentment starts to ease because you're finally being heard.

The connection starts to return because you're finally talking about real things. The intimacy starts to feel possible again because there's emotional safety building. The partnership starts to emerge because he finally is seeing what you've been carrying and stepping in to help. You can feel it. He can feel it. It's not just that you're trying harder. It's both of you growing together in new and different ways. But what if he doesn't show willingness? What if you have the conversation and he gets defensive? What if you show him your truth and he refuses to see it?

What if he minimizes, dismisses, or tells you you're overreacting? What if he says he'll work on it, but nothing actually changes? Then you have clarity. Maybe it's painful clarity, but it's clarity nonetheless. Clarity that tells you he's not willing to do the work, at least not right now. And you get to decide what that means for you. You don't have to make any decisions right away. Maybe not for a while, but eventually. You eventually are gonna have to ask questions like, can you live in a marriage where you're the only one trying?

Can you accept a partnership where you're doing the emotional labor? Can you stay in a relationship where you feel unseen, unheard, and unsupported, and where nothing's changing? Only you can answer that, and there's no right answer that works for everyone. Some women decide, yes, I can live with this. It's not what I'd hoped for, but it's enough. And if that's you, that's okay, as long as it's a conscious choice, not just resignation. And some women decide, no, I can't, I deserve more than this. And if he's not willing to show up, I need to make a different choice. And if that's you, that's okay too.

as long as it's a choice that's made from clarity, not an anger. Either way, you'll know. You'll know because you tried. You'll know because you were honest. You'll know because you gave him and the marriage a real chance. And whatever you decide after that, you'll know it was the right decision for you. So here's where we are. You've listened to nine episodes about what's not working, about the loneliness, the load, the grief, the disconnection, about all the ways that midlife marriage can feel like surviving instead of thriving. And now it's time to do something about it.

not burn it down, not give up, not resign yourself to this is just how it is, but take action. Real, honest, brave action, the kind that starts with a conversation, the kind that requires vulnerability, the kind that says I'm not okay with this anymore and I need us to figure out how to do this differently. And that's what the he doesn't get it yet guide is for. It's not going to help you fix everything, but it's going to start the conversation that makes fixing possible. To give you language for what you've been feeling, to help you invite him into the process without pushing him away.

to create a bridge from where you are to where you need to be. And the marriage maps, there's one for you, there's one for him, they're the roadmap. They're the tool that help both of you see clearly and move forward together. There's one for you and there's one for him with things to read, things to watch, things to listen to. Where you each separately first name things like where you are right now in the marriage, honestly. What's working and what's not specifically. What you need to feel connected clearly.

what you're willing to change concretely. And then this is the crucial part. You come together to share your maps, to listen to each other, really listen, not to defend, not to make excuses, not to explain, not to argue, but to understand, to see the marriage from each other's perspective, to recognize the gaps, the disconnections, the places where your experiences don't match up, to hear what he didn't know you were carrying, to see what you didn't know he was experiencing. And you start building a plan, not a perfect plan, not a rigid plan, but a real plan.

One that acknowledges the truth of where you are. One that creates space for both of you to be seen. One that redistributes the load instead of expecting you to keep carrying it all. One that prioritizes connection, not just tasks. One that includes specific actionable changes, not just good intention. That's what rebuilding looks like. Not going back to how things were, but by creating something new built on honesty, awareness, and mutual effort. And here's what I've seen over and over again. When both people are willing to do this work, things can change.

not overnight, not magically, but steadily and meaningfully. The resentment starts to ease because she's finally being heard. The connection starts to return because they're actually talking about real things. And the intimacy starts to feel possible again because there's emotional safety building. The partnership starts to emerge because he's finally seeing what she's been carrying and stepping in to help. And it's not because anyone pretended everything was fine, but because they finally told the truth and then did something about it together.

Here's what I know for sure, it's not too late. Not if you're willing to be honest. Not if you're willing to stop pretending. Not if you're willing to have the hard conversations and do the hard work. You don't need to throw it all out and start over. But you can't keep tolerating what's been breaking you. And so here's what I'm asking you to do. Download the guide. He doesn't get it yet. It's waiting for you in the show notes or at midlifemarriagesfreeguide.com. Inside it, you're gonna find language, frameworks, and tools. And when you download the guide, you'll be ready for the next step. You'll be ready for the marriage maps.

This is your bridge from lonely to connected, from surviving to thriving, from tolerating to transforming. But you have to take the first step. And the first step is always the conversation. So download the guide, read it, use it, have the conversation, work with the maps, and then decide together what comes next because here's the truth, you deserve a marriage that feels good. Not perfect, not without hard seasons, but good, connected, worth fighting for relationships. And that's possible.

But only if you're willing to stop pretending and start being honest. So start today. Download the guide. Know that this series will be here for you anytime you want to return to it. And if you know someone else who needs to see it, to hear it, share it with them. Share with them these episodes so that midlife marriages, midlife women, midlife besties can keep having these conversations and we can grow together in them. You know what, friend? It has been amazing to spend this time with you. Thanks so much for being here and I'll see you in the next episode.