Ep. 193: When You're Too Tired to Begin: Why Rest Isn't the Enemy of Progress

Hey friend, welcome back to The Intentional Midlife Mom. I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and I'm glad you're here.

Let me ask you something. Have you ever been so tired that the idea of starting anything—work, parenting, even just thinking clearly—felt like an absolute joke? Like, someone could hand you a cup of coffee and a to-do list with three things on it, and you'd just stare at them like they were speaking another language?

Yeah. Me too.

And here's what I want you to hear right up front: You're not broken. You're not lazy. You're not weak. You're over capacity. And that's different.

Today we're talking about the kind of tired that doesn't go away with a nap. The kind that sits heavy in your chest and makes you wonder if you'll ever feel clear-headed again. We're talking about what it actually means when your body is screaming at you to stop—and why ignoring that signal won't make you stronger. It'll just make you slower.

You'll learn how to spot the difference between true exhaustion and avoidance. We'll talk about what pushing through is really costing you. And I'm going to give you one powerful way to move forward without powering through.

By the end of this episode, you'll know how to recognize tired as a signal, not a character flaw. And you'll walk away with one real-world strategy to create momentum without burning out.

Let's go.

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Transcript

Well, okay, so let's start with the lie that we've all believed at some point. The one that sounds responsible, the one that feels noble, the one that keeps running on fumes for way, that keeps us running on fumes for way longer than we should. It's this lie. It's the lie that says, I just need to push through a little longer. You've said it, I've said it, we've all lived it. It's the background script that tells us that nothing

can wait, that if we slow down now, everything is gonna fall apart, that our family needs us, our work needs us, and we can rest later when things calm down. Except things never calm down, not on their own. And the truth is that we keep believing this lie, we keep buying into it, especially when things do feel urgent, because sometimes they are. Sometimes the deadline is real. Sometimes the kid really does need you. Sometimes the project actually

can't wait. But what we don't see is the cost of override mode. And when we stay in that mode, when we are just pushing and grinding and white knuckling our way through, we think we're being strong. We think we're doing what needs to be done. But what we're actually doing is making withdrawals from an account that's already overdrawn. And eventually the bill is going to come due. So let me tell you a story. Several years ago, I hit a stretch where

Life just piled on and piled on. My husband was finishing nursing school. We had major family transitions happening. My business was in a growth phase that required a lot of me. And I kept telling myself, just a little longer, just get through this week, just get through this month, just get through this season. And so I pushed through all the physical fatigue. I ignored the signals that my body was sending me. I kept showing up, kept checking off the boxes, and I kept moving. And then

One weekend, I hit the wall. I was in bed by 8 p.m. Not because I chose rest, but because my body made the choice for me. I had nothing left, zero. And in that moment, lying there, too exhausted to even scroll my phone, I realized something. The task list could wait. It had to, because I couldn't wait any longer. My body proved what my mind refused to believe.

I'm not invincible. And here's the thing, you are not either. Pushing through it doesn't make you strong, it makes you unavailable. Let me read that one again. Pushing through doesn't make you strong, it makes you unavailable. To yourself, to your people, to your life. And hobbling along, running on fumes, half present, barely functioning. This isn't strength, it's survival.

And survival mode is a place that we can take up residency, but it is expensive to live there. I mean, in reality, do you want to be unavailable to your people, the people you're doing it all for? Here's what I've noticed about women, especially midlife women, and how we view fatigue. We see it as an obstacle to overcome, something to push past, something to manage around.

Something that makes us feel weak if we give into it. And we're told that this pushing through, it's the gold standard. But tired isn't a problem to solve, it's actually a signal. Think of it like a dashboard light in your car. When that little orange light comes on, it's not there to annoy you. That's not its purpose. It's there to make you feel something. It's there to make you, to give you some data.

It's not trying to make you feel bad in any way. It's information. It's your car saying, hey, there's something going on here, pay attention. And we have a choice in that moment. You have a choice in that moment. You can ignore it and keep driving. You can tell yourself it's probably fine. You can convince yourself you'll deal with it later when you have more time, when things slow down. Or you can pull over. You can look up what that warning light is actually about.

Maybe you can check the oil. Maybe you can add whatever is missing. And by doing so, you can prevent a breakdown that's going to cost you way more than that five minutes that you spent pulled over. And tired really is the same thing. When your body is tired, truly tired, it's not being dramatic and it's not weak. It's giving you data. saying, hello, I need something. I need rest. I need recovery. I need you to stop.

withdrawing and start making some deposits. But here's the problem. We've been conditioned to ignore that signal, to override it, to treat it like it's optional. And we do that because we've largely been taught that rest is earned, that we have to finish the list first, that rest is what you do when everything else is done. But you know what? That's total garbage. Rest isn't a reward for productivity. Rest is a requirement

for sustainability. That was a big one too, wasn't it? I'm gonna say it again. Rest isn't a reward for productivity. Rest is a requirement for sustainability. Because you can't lead your life well if you're running an empty for too long. You can't show up for your family, your work, your purpose, if you have nothing left to give. And ignoring tired, doesn't make you stronger, it makes you slower.

less effective, more reactive, more resentful. And the truth is that hobbling along, it actually isn't noble, it's expensive. It costs you your peace, it costs you your clarity, your patience, your presence, your joy. And the longer you delay that reset that you need, the deeper the recovery costs at some point.

And I learned this the hard way. I used to think that pushing through was a sign of strength, that if I could just keep going, I'd prove something to myself, to my family, to anyone who was watching. But all I proved was that I didn't know how to listen to my own body. And when I finally stopped, not because I chose to, but because I had to, I realized something that changed everything. Tired isn't the enemy. Ignoring tired is. That's something I need to say again, too.

Tired isn't the enemy, ignoring tired is. So let's talk about what override mode actually costs you. Because it's not just about being tired, it's about what happens when you refuse to honor that tiredness. First, it costs you your clarity. When you're exhausted, I don't know if you've noticed, but it's real hard to think straight. You make decisions from a foggy, overwhelmed place.

You second guess yourself, you spiral, you get stuck in decision fatigue, you lose access to the part of your brain that knows what to do next. So that's what it looks like when you don't have any clarity. The second thing is it costs you your patience. Have you ever noticed how everything feels harder when you're tired? How your kids' voices, they just grate on you, or how your partner's one comment sets you off? How you snap at people you love?

That's not you being mean, that's a reflection of depletion. The third thing is that it costs you your follow through. Because the truth is you can't build momentum when you're running on fumes. You start things and then you stop. You commit and then you bail. And it's not because you're lazy or lacking motivation, but because you literally do not have the capacity to keep going. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The fourth thing that this

over functioning costs you is your presence. When you're exhausted, you're not really there. You're going through the motions, you're checked out, and the people you love, they feel it. So here's my question for you. What is pushing through really getting you? Is it getting you closer to your goals or is it actually just keeping you stuck in a cycle of exhaustion and then guilt? Because from where I sit, pushing through isn't progress.

It's just noise. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Okay, Jennifer, but what if I'm not actually tired? What if I'm just avoiding the hard thing? Well, this is a great question because there's a difference between true exhaustion and avoidance. And we need to be honest about which one we're dealing with. So here's how I tell the difference. True exhaustion is physical. It's in your body. You feel it in your bones. You can barely keep your eyes open. Your body is asking for rest.

not distraction. And if you ask yourself, does this make sense? You can see that it does. There was the huge blow up at work. Maybe one of your kids is struggling in school. You're not sleeping because, hey, menopause. And you got in bed. Maybe it's that you got in bed later than you should have the past few nights. So yeah, you can look at it you can say, you know what? Tired makes sense. But avoidance, on the other hand, avoidance is mental. It's resistance. It's the...

Part of you that doesn't want to do the hard thing and so you tell yourself that you're too tired, but really you're just scared or overwhelmed or unsure where to start. Tired in a worn down sort of way just doesn't make sense here when you look at it. Now know that both of these scenarios are real and know that both of these deserve compassion, but they require different responses.

So if you're truly exhausted, you need rest, period. You don't need to push through. You don't need to prove anything. You actually need to stop. If you're avoiding, you need motion. You don't need a nap. You need to take one small step to prove to yourself that you can start, that the hard thing isn't as hard as your brain is making it. So how do you know which one you're dealing with then? Well, ask yourself this.

If I rested right now, would I feel better? Or would I still be avoiding the thing I don't want to do? And if the answer is I'd feel better, then it could be that rest is the best choice. And if the answer is, well, I'd still be avoiding it, then you probably don't need rest. You need momentum. And that brings us to the strategy that I want to give you today. So here's what I want you to do when you're too tired to begin. Don't stop everything and don't push through everything either. Instead, shrink the load.

Choose just one thing, just one, and do it smaller, do it simpler or shorter than you planned it. But do it. I call this a bare minimum win. It's not about doing it all, it's about doing something, something that moves you forward, something that proves to yourself that you can still lead your life even when you're tired. Because here's the truth, a win is still a win. And momentum doesn't need a parade of celebration.

Let me give you an example from my own life. There was a Saturday, not long after that season I told you about earlier, where I woke up exhausted. I had a whole list of things I wanted to do, laundry, groceries, meal prep, a workout, time with my family. But I knew that I did not have the capacity for all of that. So instead of trying to do it all and then feeling like a failure when I couldn't, I named one bare minimum win. I decided I would do one load of laundry. That's it, just one.

I wasn't gonna fold it, I wasn't gonna put it away, I was just gonna get it washed and dried. And you know what, I did it and it actually felt good. Now, did I check everything off my list? No, but it gave me proof that I could still show up for myself, that I could still take action, that tired didn't mean I had to take a backseat and stop leading my life. That one small thing really became the proof that I needed to believe that I didn't have to give in.

that I was still in the driver's seat, as I call it. So now let me give you some more examples of what a bare minimum win can look like, because I want you to see that this works in every area of your life. So in the kitchen, your original plan might be deep clean the kitchen and meal prep for the week and organize the pantry. But your bare minimum win can be clear the sink. That's it. Just get the dishes washed or loaded. Leave the counters. Leave the pantry. Just handle the sink.

In parenting, your original plan might be quality time with each kid and a fun family night and meaningful conversations. But your bare minimum win can be 10 minutes of undistracted time with one kid. You put your phone down, you sit next to them, you ask one good question, that's it. When it comes to your health, your original plan might be a full 30 minute workout and meal prepping healthy meals and seven to eight hours of sleep and quiet time in the morning.

But your bare minimum win could be a 10 minute walk, not a run, not a workout class, just a walk around the block, fresh air, movement, done. What about in your business or work? Well, your original plan might be finish the project, respond to all the emails, plan for next week, update the systems. But your bare minimum win could be one focused hour on the most important task, not three hours, not the whole project, just one hour of focused work, and then you can be done.

In your home, your original plan might be declutter the whole living room. That includes organizing the couches, deep cleaning the carpets, the whole room. But maybe your bare minimum win is to clear off one surface. Maybe it's to clear off the coffee table. It's just picking one space, one solid space in that room and clearing it off. That's the win. So do you see the pattern here?

not lowering your standards, you're not giving up, you're not being lazy, you're being strategic. You're choosing progress over perfection. You're choosing sustainable momentum over all out burnout. You're choosing to show up for yourself in a way that actually fits your current capacity, which is not a lot. And choosing to downsize your execution, it doesn't make you weak, it actually means that you're wise. Now,

Before I go any further, I need to address something that might be confusing you. When I say rest, you might be thinking I mean you need to go take a nap or lie down on the couch or do nothing. And sometimes, yes, that's exactly what you mean, but not always. Because here's what I've learned about rest. Rest doesn't have to mean sleeping or lying down. Rest means doing something that resets you, that reboots you. I call this concept purposeful rest. And it's one of the most

important concepts that I teach to all of my coaching clients and now to you. Purposeful rest is really any activity that restores your energy or your clarity or your peace. It's not about being still as much as it is about being intentional. So for me, purposeful rest can sometimes mean cleaning or organizing. And I know that sounds counterintuitive. You're probably thinking, how is cleaning restorative? That's work. Well, here's the thing.

When my mind feels chaotic, when I'm overwhelmed, when I'm scattered or exhausted, bringing order to my physical space, it just brings order to my mental space. That's how I'm wired. Cleaning one drawer out gives me a sense of control when everything else feels out of control. Organizing the pantry gives my brain something simple and clear to focus on when everything else feels complicated. Making my bed, wiping down the counters, sorting the mail.

These aren't chores in those moments. They become anchors. They're ways of saying to my nervous system, you're okay. You've got this. Things can be put in order. And for me, that can be rest in those ways. Not because it's physically relaxing, but because it's mentally restorative. Now, your purposeful rest might look completely different from mine. Maybe for you it's a walk, not a workout, a walk. Just you, fresh air.

and movement that clears your head. Maybe it's sitting in your car in the driveway for 10 minutes listening to your favorite song. No destination, you've just got a quiet space. Maybe it's pulling out your journal and brain dumping everything swirling in your head onto the paper so that you can finally think clearly. Maybe it's baking or gardening or sitting on the porch with your coffee before anyone else gets up. Maybe it's a phone call with your best friend who makes you laugh.

Maybe it's reading a chapter of a book that has nothing to do with productivity or self-help or learning anything, just a story that takes you somewhere else for 20 minutes. The point is this, purposeful rest, isn't a one size fits all thing and it doesn't have to look like what Instagram tells you rest should look like. It's not about bubble baths and candles unless that's what actually restores you. It's about...

knowing yourself well enough to know what actually reboots you, what shifts your energy, what brings you back to your own sense of self, and then just giving yourself permission to do that thing without guilt, without apologizing, without justifying it to anyone. Because here's what happens when you practice purposeful rest. You stop seeing rest as the opposite of productivity. You start seeing it as part of your capacity to be productive.

It's part of the process. You stop feeling guilty for needing a break and you start feeling empowered because you know how to give yourself one. You stop waiting until you collapse and you start choosing rest before you need it desperately. is something that changes everything. So let me ask you, what could purposeful rest look like for you? What is something that you can do that when you do it, it makes you feel like yourself again?

And if you don't know the answer to that question, I want you to start paying attention because once you figure it out, you'll have a tool that no amount of coffee or willpower can replace. Think of five to 10 things that calm your crazy. Write them down so that when you need them, you're not also having to remember them. With this list, you'll have a way to lead yourself well, even when you're tired. And here's why this matters.

When you're tired, your brain is looking for evidence that you can't do it, that you're failing, that you're behind, that you don't have it together while everybody else does. And if you try to tackle your whole list and surprise, you can't, you give your brain exactly what it's looking for. It's got the proof, all the proof it needs now that you're not enough. And

When you take the time though to think about how to shrink the goal, well now you flip the script. Instead of giving your brain evidence of failure, you give it evidence of success. You prove to yourself that you can still move forward no matter what those circumstances are. That tired doesn't mean broken and that rest and progress aren't opposites. And that small win creates momentum. Not the kind of momentum that

requires you to do more and more and more. But the kind that quietly reminds you you're capable, you're still here, you're doing it, and you can do hard things even when you're tired. And sometimes that's all you need to go forward. So before we wrap up, I need to say this one more time because I know some of you still don't believe it. Rest is not a reward for productivity. Rest is a requirement for sustainability.

and you don't have to earn it, you don't have to finish the list first, you don't have to prove that you deserve it. You are a human being, you are not a machine. And human beings need rest, not because we're weak, but because we're designed that way. And the sooner you allow that to be true, the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can stop fighting your own body and start leading your life from a place of clarity and peace and strength.

So let's bring this all to a close. You don't have to collapse to earn your rest. In fact, I don't recommend it. You don't have to disappear to feel peace. You're not falling behind when you take some time to rest. You're being invited to pause to recalibrate and carry your life differently. And believe me, I know how hard it is to slow down when everything in you is screaming that you can't. I know what it feels like to look at your life and think,

If I stop now, it'll fall apart. But here's what I need you to hear. It won't. The laundry will wait. The emails will wait. The mess will wait. And the people who love you, they need you to be present more than they need any of those things done. So here's your power move for today. And I want you to actually do this, not just think about doing it. So first, name one bare minimum win. Make it small.

Make it doable. Make it something you could accomplish in the next hour or two that will give you proof that you can still lead your life even when you're tired. You're not doing the whole list. Not everything you think you should do. Just one thing. Write it down. Say it out loud. Tell someone. Whatever you need to do to make it real. Do that. And then just do the one thing. Second, identify your purposeful rest. What's the thing that can reboot you?

What brings you back to your own sense of calm when life feels chaotic? And if you don't know yet, that's okay. Start paying attention. Notice what makes you feel lighter. What gives you clarity? What shifts your energy without draining you more? And then give yourself permission to do it without guilt, without apologizing, without waiting until you feel you've earned it because you don't have to earn rest. You are a human being.

not a machine, and rest is part of how you stay human. So third, stop treating being tired like it's a character flaw. It's not. It's data. It's your body telling you something important, just like the car light. And the sooner you listen, the less expensive that lesson is gonna become. You're not lazy, you're not broken, you're not falling behind, you're not weak, you're just tired, and that's okay. Sometimes the most...

powerful way to lead yourself is to stop on purpose, to choose the bare minimum win over the impossible standard, to choose purposeful rest over pushing through, to choose sustainability over the illusion of productivity. Again, that's not weakness, that's wisdom. And that's what I'm hoping you'll take with you today. So thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. And if you know someone who needs to hear this,

Share this with them. She deserves to hear it too. So until we talk again, make it an amazing day.