Ep. 199: You're Not Lazy—You're Misdiagnosed: Why Your Fixes Keep Falling Apart

Hey friend.

Let's tell the truth about something most women carry in secret—something you might whisper to yourself at 2 a.m. when you can't sleep, or when you're staring at that planner you bought with such hope three months ago:

"I know what to do. I just don't do it."

Maybe you've said it about the clutter that keeps coming back. Or the weight you can't seem to lose—again. Or the morning routine that worked for exactly four days before life got loud and it all fell apart.

Maybe you've said it while scrolling Instagram, watching other women seem to have it all together while you're barely keeping your head above water. Or while sitting in your car in the driveway, giving yourself a pep talk before you walk inside to face another chaotic evening.

That sentence right there? The one that feels like a confession of failure? The one you're almost ashamed to admit out loud?

It's not laziness. It's not inconsistency. It's not a character flaw.

It's a misdiagnosis.

And I'm going to prove it to you in the next few minutes.

Welcome to The Intentional Midlife Mom podcast. I'm Jennifer Roskamp, and I work with high-capacity women who look like they have it all together on the outside—but feel like they're drowning on the inside. Women who've spent years holding everything together and are finally ready to reclaim their time, energy, and purpose for themselves. Women who are done white-knuckling through another week, another reset, another round of "get it together."

In this episode, I'm pulling back the curtain on why every fix you've tried—every planner, every reset, every new routine—keeps falling apart. And spoiler alert: it's not because you're broken. It's because you're trying to fix overload with the wrong tools.

By the end of this conversation, you'll finally understand why your past attempts at change didn't stick—and what to do instead. We'll walk through how to treat the root instead of the symptom, and what real, sustainable follow-through actually looks like for overloaded women.

So grab your coffee—or your wine, no judgment—and let's dig in.

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Transcript

All right, well, welcome to this episode today. I'm Jennifer Roskamp and I work with women who largely look like they might have it together on the outside, but they feel like they are drowning on the inside. Women who have spent years holding everything together and are finally ready to admit what's actually happening and to find some purpose and intention for themselves. Women who really are done white-knuckling themselves through every day, just hoping it gets better and...

hoping that eventually they'll get it together. And so today I'm pulling back the curtain on why every fix that you have tried, every planner, every reset, every new routine keeps falling apart. And spoiler alert, it's not because you're broken, it's because you're trying to fix overload with the wrong tools. And so by the end of this conversation, you'll finally understand why your past attempts at change didn't stick and what to do instead. We're gonna walk through how to treat the root instead of the symptoms.

And we're going to talk about what real sustainable follow through actually looks like for the overloaded woman. So grab your coffee or your wine, no judgment, and let's dig in. All right, so let's start with the scripts that are running on repeat in your head. Tell me if any of these sound familiar. I start strong, but I can't finish. I just need more motivation. I guess I'm just not disciplined enough. If I could just get my act together, dot, dot.

Everyone else seems to handle this. What's wrong with me? I used to be so capable. What happened? So here's what I want you to hear. None of those things are true. You're not broken. You're not weak. You're not the problem. You're just treating the symptoms instead of the actual disease. And when you treat symptoms, yes, it's likely that you'll get some temporary relief at best.

And at worst, you end up in a cycle of starting over that keeps making you feel more defeated every single time. And the snowball of defeat, it grows and it grows and it grows. So think about it. How many times have you bought a planner that sat unused after the first few weeks? Or started a diet on Monday that fell apart by Thursday? Or committed to getting up on time in a morning routine that lasted about three days? Or promised yourself, this time will be different, only to find yourself

right back where you started. And every time it falls apart, you tell yourself the same story. I'm just not disciplined enough. I'm just not committed enough. I'm just not enough. But what if you're telling yourself the wrong story? So let me give you an example from my own life. For years, and I mean years, I tried to lose weight. I'd start a program. I'd follow it for a few weeks. I'd see some results. I'd feel hopeful. And then life would happen. It'd be a stressful week, a sick kid, a disrupted routine. And I'd fall off again.

And every time I restarted, I told myself the same story. This time is going to be different. This time I'll have more discipline. This time I won't quit. And I beat myself up. I questioned my character. I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't just stick with something. But it wasn't about discipline. And it wasn't really even about the weight. What I was actually dealing with was a combination of mental overload, too many decisions, too many things I was trying to juggle, also emotional avoidance.

I was using food to not feel feelings that I didn't want to feel. And an identity that was shifting underneath me while I kept trying to use the same old strategies that worked maybe when I was 25. And so I was misdiagnosed. And because of that, I kept applying the wrong solutions. I kept trying to fix the weight when the real problem was my mind. It was my heart. It was my emotions. And it was my outdated self-concept of myself.

Once I finally understood what was actually going on, once I stopped treating the symptoms and started addressing the root, everything changed. I lost over 40 pounds, but more importantly, I stopped the exhausting cycle of starting and stopping and starting and stopping. Because here's the truth. What was going on with me and what's going on with you if you have tried starting and stopping and starting and stopping, it's not a failure. It's a mismatch between what's wrong and how you're trying to fix it.

And once you learn to diagnose correctly, then the solutions can start to work. This is what I mean when I say that you're not the problem. The strategies that you've been taught or that you're trying, the ones that you tell yourself to just keep trying harder on, to be more consistent, to have more willpower, those strategies assume that the problem is you, but the problem isn't you. It's that you're using the wrong tools for the job. It's like trying to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. You can work as hard as you want,

but you're never gonna get the result that you're looking for. And it's not because you're weak, it's because you're using the wrong tool. So let's walk through some real life scenarios. And I bet you'll see yourself in at least one of these. Actually, if you're like most of the women that I work with, you'll probably see yourself, a little bit of yourself in all of them. So scenario one is this, you declutter, but your mental swirl returns the next day. So let's say that you spend an entire Saturday cleaning out the pantry, organizing the closet.

Clearing the counters. You feel amazing for about 12 hours. You go to bed that night feeling accomplished, like you finally got a handle on things. And then the next morning you wake up and your brain is right back to spinning. The to-do list, it floods back in. The mental tabs that had a little bit of a break while you were decluttering, they're all reopened. And the physical space is clearer, but your mental space, it's still a disaster. And you wonder, why do I even bother? It never lasts. But here's what's actually going on.

Clutter isn't the problem, it's the symptom. The real problem is that mental overload. It's too many decisions, it's too many inputs, it's too many things you're trying to hold in your head all at once. You're the default decision maker for everyone in your house. You're the one tracking all the appointments, all the deadlines, all the preferences, all the details. And no amount of organizing your kitchen is gonna fix that because the next day, all of those decisions are still yours to make. All those mental tabs are still open.

The clean counters just gave you a brief visual reprieve from the chaos that's actually in your head. And so the chaos is still there. It's not surprising. So scenario one is you declutter, but the mental swirl returns because it never left. Scenario two, you meal plan, but emotional overload leads to binge or burnout. You meal plan thinking that's gonna

help you reach your healthy eating goals. You sit down on a Sunday, you map out the week's meals, you prep what you can. You're so proud of yourself, and you should be. You even post about it on Instagram because it feels like such a huge win, and it is. But by Wednesday, you're stress eating crackers over the sink at four in the afternoon because you're too exhausted to care anymore. Or you're ordering takeout because the thought of cooking the meal that you planned makes you wanna cry because you just can't do one more thing today.

And then you feel guilty because you wasted all of that time planning and prepping and you ate something you didn't want to eat. Again, the meal plan isn't the issue. The issue is that you're emotionally maxed out and food has become your coping mechanism. You're not eating because you're hungry. You're eating because you're overwhelmed, because you absorbed your teenager's difficulties, because you're carrying resentment over a conversation from three days ago, because you feel invisible and underappreciated and food is the one thing that makes you

feel something, even if it's just something that is a fleeting joy. Until you address the emotional load, no meal plan in the world is going to stick because when you're running on empty emotionally, you're gonna reach for something to fill that void. And if you don't have better tools, you're gonna reach for food, you're gonna reach for wine, you're gonna reach for scrolling, whatever gives you that quick hit of relief. That is gonna be what you reach for.

Scenario three, you buy the planner, but your identity is shifting and the old tools don't work anymore. So you were once the woman who could color code her calendar and you crushed your to-do list. You thrived on productivity. You got a high from checking off all the boxes, but now the planner sits unopened on your desk. It's almost like it's mocking you because you're not that woman anymore. Your kids are older and don't need you in the same way. Your body feels different. It's slower. It's more tired.

less forgiving. Your priorities have shifted, but you haven't really acknowledged it yet. And so the tools that work while you're in your 30s, they don't fit the season that you're in now. You keep trying to force yourself back into that old version of you. You keep thinking, if I could just get back to how I used to be, the planners used to help me so much. But you can't go back. And the truth is, you probably don't want to.

That version of you was running on adrenaline and unexamined expectations. She was pushing and pushing and pushing through instead of being present. She was measuring her worth by her amount of output. So the planner isn't the problem. The problem is that you're trying to use yesterday's tools for today's life and your soul is resisting because somewhere down deep, you know this season requires something different.

Scenario four, you wake up early, you commit to a morning routine, exercise, journaling, quiet time, the whole thing. You stick with it for a few days and it feels amazing. You finally feel like you're getting your life together and then one disruption happens. You get sick, there's a sleepless night or maybe a string of sleepless nights, an unexpected crisis and the whole thing falls apart. Not because you're not committed, but because you were already at 110 % capacity.

There was no margin for life to happen. And what do we know to be true? Life always happens. So you built the routine on top of a foundation that was already crumbling. You didn't create space for it. You just squeezed it in. And when something then gave, it wasn't your responsibilities to everyone else that fell away. It was your own commitments to yourself. Something had to give, and it wasn't those things. It was your thing.

Because that's always what goes first, isn't it? You tell yourself you're not consistent enough, but the truth is you were already caring more than you should and there was no more room for one more thing, even a good thing. These are all real efforts, genuine, well-intentioned, exhausting efforts, but they're aimed at the wrong target and that's why they don't stick. You're not failing because you're not weak, you're failing because you're using solutions designed for different problems.

So let's talk about the difference between overload and overwhelm because they are not the same thing. And this is an important distinction to make. This is where most women, and honestly, I think most coaches, get it wrong. Overwhelm is a feeling. Overload is the system. Overwhelm is what you experience when you're carrying too much. It's the emotion, it's the anxiety, it's the mental fog, it's the...

sense of drowning, the tightness in your chest when you think about your to-do list. Overload is the actual weight that you are carrying. It's the mechanics, it's the logistics, it's too many inputs, it's the too few boundaries, the misaligned identity, the broken systems, the unsustainable pace. And here's the problem. Most advice treats overwhelm. It gives you breathing exercises and grounding exercises, gratitude journals, self-care tips, bubble baths, essential oils.

all of which might help you feel better for a minute, but they don't change the load. It's like trying to fix a leaky faucet when the real issue is the busted pipe in the wall. You can mop the floor all day long, but until you fix the pipe, the water's gonna keep coming. When you misdiagnose overload as just overwhelm, you end up treating the emotion instead of the mechanism. And that's why nothing changes long-term.

You take a bath, you light a candle, you do some deep breathing, and then the next morning you wake up to the same swirl, the same overloaded life, the same impossible expectations, the same endless mental tabs. And you feel even worse because now you're beating yourself up for not being able to manage your stress better because you did the thing. But friend, you don't have a stress management problem. You have an overload problem. You need to fix the pipe.

And that requires something deeper than self-care. It requires honest assessment and strategic elimination and system level change. It requires you to look at your life and ask, what am I actually carrying and how much of this is mine to carry? So what does it look like then to diagnose correctly and treat the actual overload? Well, let me break down the most common types of overload that I see in midlife women and what the right strategy actually looks like for each one.

Because here's the thing, not all overload is the same. And when you misidentify which type you're dealing with, then you end up spinning your wheels trying solutions that were never going to work in the first place. So mental overload, that's the first type of overload. And it looks like this. It's when you can't stop thinking. Your brain is running 1,000 tabs at once. You're making decisions all day long. What's for dinner? Who needs to be where? What bill is due? What errands you forgot? What conversation you need to have? What gift you need to buy? What appointments you need to schedule?

And by the end of the day, you're mentally fried. Even if you didn't do that much physically, you can't focus on a conversation because your brain is already three steps ahead planning tomorrow. You can't enjoy a moment because you're mentally running through your list at the same time. People tell you to just relax and you want to scream because you literally don't know what that means. Here's what doesn't work. Another planner, another organizational system, another app to track your tasks, more post-it notes, a better calendar system.

None of that addresses the actual problem, is decision fatigue. And so what actually works is less input. It's clearer boundaries. It's decision reduction. You don't need better systems to manage all of the noise. You need to turn down the volume. That might mean batch deciding meals for the entire month instead of deciding daily or weekly. It might mean saying no to volunteer commitments that drain your mental bandwidth. It's a good thing.

but that doesn't mean it's good for you at this time. It might mean letting other people in your house make their own decisions instead of running everything through you. It might mean deleting half the apps on your phone, unsubscribing from email lists, stopping the endless research and just making a decision with the information that you have at the time. Mental overload isn't solved by organizing better, it's solved by deciding less.

And yes, that means letting some things go. It means accepting that not every decision needs to be optimized. It means giving up control in areas that actually don't matter. But here's what happens when you do. Your brain, it's going to get space to breathe. You can actually be present in a conversation. You can enjoy your coffee instead of mentally reviewing your to-do list while you drink it. Then there's emotional overload. This feel, it looks like this. You feel everything, your stress.

your kid's moods, your spouse's frustration, your friend's crisis, your mother's anxiety, you absorb it all. When your teenager is upset, you carry their emotions with you for the rest of the day. When your husband is stressed about work, you internalize it as if it's your problem to solve. When your friend is going through something hard, you feel it as deeply as if it's happening to you. You're exhausted even on days when nothing happened because you've been emotionally carrying everything for yourself and everyone around you. And somewhere along the way,

You stopped actually being able to distinguish between your feelings and everyone else's. And so here's what doesn't work when you've got emotional overload, trying to push through, motivational quotes, telling yourself to think positive, self-care Sundays. They don't address the daily drain. And so what actually works are boundaries, emotional separation. And it doesn't mean that you don't care. But it's learning that you can care about someone without absorbing their emotional state.

It's learning that not everything is yours to fix or manage or carry. And this is hard, especially if you've been conditioned to believing that being a good mom or a good wife or a good friend means taking on everyone else's emotional burdens. But here's the truth. You can love someone fiercely and still not carry their emotions for them. You can support your teenager through a hard day without making their bad mood your responsibility.

You can empathize with your spouse's work stress without internalizing it as though you're the one who has to fix it. You can be there for your friend without absorbing her crisis as your own. Emotional overload isn't solved by feeling less. It's solved by carrying less that isn't yours. And when you learn to do that, here's the thing. You're actually able to show up better for the people that you love because you're showing up from a place of fullness instead of depletion.

So then there's physical overload. And this looks like this. You're tired, you're bone tired. Not, I need a good night's sleep sort of tired. But it's more like I've been running on empty for so long, I don't remember what it even feels like to not be tired. You're doing too much, you're moving too fast, you're sleeping too little, your body is sending you signals all over the place. Headaches, stomach issues, constant exhaustion, getting sick more often. And you're ignoring them because there's simply too much to do. You tell yourself,

You'll rest when things calm down. But what do we know? Things never calm down. And so here's what doesn't work. Powering through. Drinking more coffee. Sadly, that does not work. Taking vitamins and pretending they're the same as rest. Telling yourself you'll rest next week or after this busy season because next week will bring its own demands and there will always be another busy season. And so what actually works then? Elimination. Margin. Rest.

as a non-negotiable. You don't need to organize your way out of physical overload. You need to do less, and that's hard. It means letting some things go. It means disappointing some people. It means accepting that you can't do it all. It means saying no to a certain commitment that you've had for years. Ordering takeout instead of cooking, hiring help if you can afford it, lowering your standards in areas that don't actually matter. means...

protecting your sleep like your life depends on it because honestly, your health kind of does. Physical overload isn't solved by managing better, it's solved by carrying less. And I know what you're thinking, but I can't just stop doing things. People are depending on me. Yes, and they'll keep depending on you until you teach them to depend on themselves or until your body forces the issue by breaking down completely. You get to choose which one of those happens.

Then we've got identity overload. This is the fourth type of overload, and this is what it looks like. You don't recognize yourself anymore. The strategies that used to work, they don't. The goals you had, they don't fit anymore. The woman in the mirror, she feels like a stranger. You're in a different season. Maybe your kids are older. Maybe your body has changed. Maybe your marriage feels different. Maybe your purpose has shifted. You're still trying to be the woman that you were five years ago, though. You keep trying to fit into this older version of yourself that doesn't exist anymore, and it's exhausting.

And so what doesn't work is going back. It's forcing yourself to fit into those old molds. It's trying to get back to who you used to be, pretending you're the same person that you were before everything has started to change. And so what actually works is meeting yourself with who you are now. It's letting go of that old identity. It's building new systems and new rhythms and new goals that fit this season.

This isn't about becoming someone new. It's about reconnecting with who you actually are, not who you think you should be or who you would be. It's about giving yourself permission to want different things, to value different things, to be different than you used to be. And that requires grief because you've had to let go of the old version of yourself in order to make room for who you're becoming. And there's a certain amount of grief that comes along with that. In reality, you might not be that Pinterest perfect mom anymore. You might not be the high achieving career woman.

You might not be the social butterfly who says yes to everything, and that's okay. What if you allowed who you are now to be enough? Different doesn't mean less. An identity overload isn't solved by going backwards, it's solved by going inward. By asking, who am I now? What do I actually want? What matters to me in this season? That's how you're gonna start to figure it out. And once you know the answer to questions like those, then you start building a life that reflects the answers that you uncover.

The fifth type of overload is system overload. And here's what that looks like. The way that you're running your life, doesn't work anymore. Your routines are outdated. Your responsibilities have shifted. And the systems that you built for one season of life are not actively working again, are now actively working against you. You're using systems built for a season that you're no longer in, trying to maintain routines that were designed for you when your kids were little or when you had more energy or when your life looked completely different than it looks now.

And so what doesn't work is trying harder within the broken system. Adding more structure to something that's fundamentally misaligned, that's not going to help. Pushing yourself to make an outdated system work through sheer force of will. And so what actually works then is rebuilding from scratch, not burning it all down, but being willing to say, this isn't working anymore and that's okay. And then building something new that fits your current capacity and responsibilities and season.

This means looking at your life and asking what systems are creating more work than they're solving? What routines am I maintaining out of habit rather than necessity? What structures are serving me and what's just weighing me down? And then having the courage to start dismantling what doesn't work, even if it used to work beautifully. System overload isn't solved by working harder, it's solved by building smarter. And so,

Here's what most women do. They stack their efforts essentially backwards. They try to fix their systems before they get clear on what's actually broken. They try to fix their emotions without stabilizing their capacity first. They try to build new routines without addressing the identity shift that's happening underneath it all. They try to declutter their homes without acknowledging their mental overload. And then they wonder why nothing sticks.

It's like trying to renovate a house while the foundation is crumbling. You can paint the walls and buy new furniture, but if the foundation is broken, you build on top of that is gonna last. But when you do it in the right order, that's when everything can change. When you diagnose first, when you ask, what's the actual overload here? What am I really dealing with? Then your solutions can start to work. So let me show you what this looks like in practice. When you do it this way, decisions feel easier.

because you're not making a thousand micro decisions every day. You've reduced the load. You've created systems that handle most of those routine decisions automatically. You've stopped trying to optimize every single choice and just started making choices. And your energy will stabilize because you're not emotionally absorbing everyone else's stuff. You've set boundaries. You've learned to care without carrying. You've stopped trying to fix everyone's problems.

Also, you stop starting over because you're building systems that actually fit in this season. You're not forcing yourself into systems from five years ago, and you're not fighting your current reality, you're working with it. And so your systems will stick. And you'll start feeling like yourself again, not a new you, not a perfect you, just you. Clear, grounded, capable, leading your life instead of being dragged through it. And you didn't have to burn everything down to get there either.

Don't have to quit your job or leave your marriage or move to a new city to do something dramatic in any way. You just have to stop applying the wrong solutions and start addressing the actual problem. Here's what I have seen happen with one of my clients. She's in my coaching community called Accomplished Lifestyle. So she stopped being anxious when she found herself in all types of these overloads, probably all five.

She started, we started together working on the root. We started diagnosing what was actually first identifying the overload and then starting to understand what was contributing to it. And when we started to, even when we just started to peel back the layers a little bit, she stopped feeling so much anxiety. She didn't wake up feeling like she was already behind. And it wasn't because her life suddenly became perfect. It was because

She was no longer carrying all of those mental tabs for everyone else's life. She was able to stop feeling guilty, not because she's not doing more, but not because she's doing more, but because she's given herself permission to do less in areas that don't actually matter. She stopped feeling behind, not because she caught up on everything, but because she redefined what success looks like in this season. And then she was able to start trusting herself again.

Not because she became perfect, but because she started keeping promises to herself, small ones. And then gradually bigger ones. This is what right order repair creates. It creates sustainable change that doesn't require you to be someone that you are not. So let's bring this on a personal level. I want you to pause whatever you're doing. Again, folding laundry, driving. Of course, if you're driving and need to keep driving, do that, but then come back. Meal prepping.

And really think about these questions. Don't just listen and nod along and think, I'll get to it. Actually answer them out loud if you can, or even better, write them down. Question number one, what have you been trying to fix in your life? Maybe it's your weight, maybe it's your clutter, maybe it's your time, maybe it's your relationships, your energy, your mood, your motivation. What's the thing that you keep coming back to over and over again thinking,

If I could just fix this, everything else would feel better. What is that thing? Name it, say it out loud. So what have you been trying to fix? What's your thing? Question number two, once you've identified that thing, now it's time to ask, what's the actual overload underneath it? Is it mental? Are you drowning in decisions about it? Is it emotional? Are you carrying a whole bunch of emotional weight, yours and others around it? Is it physical? Are you just doing too much?

with too little rest? Are you struggling because there's an identity struggle going on here? Are you trying to force yourself into an old version of you that doesn't fit anymore? Is it a system? Are you using tools and routines that are built for a different season or is it some combination of all of these things? Because here's what I've learned after years of helping midlife women. The thing that you're trying to fix is almost never the actual problem, it's just the symptom. And when you get to the root, you're going,

and until you get to the root, you're going to keep starting over, you're going to keep spinning, you're gonna stay stuck. So the third question, where do you need to stop doing and start diagnosing instead? So what if instead of buying another planner or starting another program or committing to another reset, you just paused? What if you just gave yourself permission to ask, what's really going on here? What am I actually dealing with? And then you'd...

took the time to actually start answering that question. What if you stopped beating yourself up for not following through and started investigating why it's not sticking? Because real change doesn't start with more effort, it starts with more clarity. It starts with understanding what you're actually fighting against. And once you know that, then you can choose the right tools. Then you can apply the right solutions. And then you can stop wasting energy on strategies that were never gonna work in the first place.

So here's what I want you to take away as you leave here. You're not lazy. You're not the problem. You are not broken, undisciplined, or lacking willpower. But you've probably been fighting overload with the wrong strategy. And I get it. You've been told your whole life that if something's not working, you just need to try harder, be more disciplined, have more willpower, push through, do more, be more. But that's not the answer. Not for overloaded women, not for you.

So the answer is to stop treating the symptom and start addressing the system. The answer is to diagnose first and then strategize. The answer is to stop asking what's wrong with me and start asking what's actually going on here. Because when women learn to work with their overload and not against it, that's when they can finally stop spinning. They find clarity where there once was confusion. They find stability where there used to be chaos.

They find follow through that doesn't require force or shame or superhuman willpower. They find themselves again, not a new version, not a better version, but the version that's been buried underneath years of overload and outdated expectations. So here's what I want you to do. Ask yourself, am I treating the symptom or the system? And then go one layer deeper. What's the real overload? What is it you actually need? Not what you think you should need,

not what worked for someone else, not what you needed five years ago. What do you need right now in this season with this life, with this capacity?

Friend, today has been a powerful day. And actually, many of the episodes before this one have also been really powerful. If you enjoyed this one, make sure you go back and listen to the last several episodes we've done here. We've really been packing overwhelm and unpacking overwhelm and overload and trying to manage ourselves in midlife better. Here, we build real life structure that flexes with your season instead of demanding perfection. This is where

What I do is I help you lead yourself well so that you can show up for your life without disappearing inside of it. Because it's not about trying harder, it's about thinking differently. And that is when everything can change. And so until we talk again, make it an amazing day.