Ep. 213: Clutter Help: Why Structure and Permission Are Both Required

Most women don’t struggle with clutter because they don’t know what to do.

They struggle because they’re missing two invisible supports:
Structure and Permission.

You need both. One without the other doesn’t work.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Clutter: The Invisible Supports
• 1:30 The Role of Structure in Managing Clutter
• 3:04 Understanding Clutter: The Missing Components
• 14:55 Creating Structure: The Proof Essentials
• 25:38 The Importance of Permission in Clutter Management

Transcript

So when it comes to clutter, women are usually missing two really important components, and it is both structure and permission. Now structure is something that, again, a lot of times I think we innately know we need, but we don't really have a good way of figuring that out. So what we need is, again, most women... clutter is an ongoing struggle that I see in women, and

I think this is a lot of times because women have an already overloaded brain, they have an already overloaded plate, they have an already overloaded schedule, and there's just no room for the clutter to happen in the midst of all of that. And because we're missing the important pieces that actually move the clutter forward, we try and we fail, we try and we fail, we try and maybe we make some progress, but then the clutter inevitably keeps coming back.

And if we don't understand what's actually below the surface on the clutter, this is part of the problem as well. And so when we're talking about clutter, what do I mean when I refer to structure? Well, basically structure answers one question. It answers what happens next, right? What are the execution steps? Structure tells you exactly what to do.

And again, in the case of clutter, you're likely dealing with a lack of structure first. You don't have the what to do first and what to do after that and what to do after that part figured out. And again, this is probably the case if your brain is already full because when your brain and when your life is full, your brain is constantly working overtime with a thousand tabs open.

It's like when you have 42 tabs on your computer all running at the same time or a bunch of apps running simultaneously on your phone, right? There isn't, at some point it's going to overload and short circuit itself and stop working. And so our brains are constantly tracking things like unfinished tasks or things you need to follow up on or responsibilities that you're managing for yourself, yes, but also for other people.

And then a lot of us are also carrying around on the regular all of the things that we're afraid that we're gonna forget. And so allowing the clutter to stay visible is the solution that we come up with. What we really need again is the structure and permission, but we keep our clutter where we can see it, right? We allow this to be in sight.

clutter because we're afraid that if it's out of sight, it's also out of mind. And so that's why, again, letting the clutter stay visible is the solution we come up with. The stuff lying around becomes the reminder system. And we're afraid without the reminders, we're not gonna remember. And so that's why the papers stay out. That's why the surfaces where all of the stuff and all of the paper collects

That's why these surfaces then turn into work zones. And it's why later never quite comes. Again, most women when they have clutter think that it's a lack of motivation. They think that it's a discipline issue. They think that it's simply a lack of desire. But in reality, what's missing first is the system. It is a missing system issue. And when there isn't a clear place or plan,

your brain just refuses to let go of the stuff. And so it keeps things, for our purposes here, it keeps the clutter visible so that your brain can essentially keep an eye on it. So that it never gets buried so that we don't forget. When I say basically that your brain refuses to let go, I don't mean it out of stubbornness. I don't mean that your brain is being stubborn. I don't mean...

that your brain is being defiant or refusing anything. I mean that your brain is needing to hang on to it. Your brain isn't allowing you to let go of this stuff because your brain is protecting you in that way. You've heard me say before and I'll say it all the time, your brain's job is to keep you safe, happy and comfortable. And kind of a little spin on that for our purposes here today is that your brain's job is to keep you safe.

functional and reliable, especially when you're already carrying and juggling and managing and balancing a lot. And so when it comes to all of this stuff then, when there is no clear place for something, when there is no clear plan for when you're going to come back and resume working on it, because none of us can ever clear our schedules to deal with the clutter until it's done, right? It's always this

working on it a little bit, chipping away, chipping away and chipping away. And if you don't have a solid plan for you're gonna chip on it, chip away at it for a little bit right now, if there isn't a clear plan for when I'm gonna come back and revisit it, again, that's something that then is missing and so your brain refuses to let go of it. And really there's no reassurance that your brain isn't going to forget that it has to deal with all of this stuff.

And so your brain then treats all of that stuff that's collecting on your kitchen counter or your dining room table or in another visible space. It's keeping all of this stuff because they are unfinished tasks and it sees this unfinished task as extremely risky. And so it wants to keep it where you can see it because otherwise there's this high risk that you're going to forget about it and you're not going to come back to it.

And so letting go of it, in the case that we're talking about here, essentially putting away the clutter, putting it out of sight, it feels like a very risky, unsafe move. And so your brain says, I can't let go of this stuff. I can't release this stuff. I can't let this go in a box or go behind a closed door or go in a closet. I can't allow it to be put out of sight because then I need to keep it where I can see it.

And know that this isn't a thought that you are consciously choosing. This is again, essentially a nervous system response because what is your nervous system's job? Your nervous system's job is to keep you safe, right? And so before, that's why it's not about you. The fact that there is clutter all over your dining room table and the fact that you have to keep it clear where I can see it and I'm afraid to put it away where it's hidden.

It's not something you're choosing, although we always blame ourselves and we see it as a personality flaw. We see it as a choice and therefore something we are choosing to fail at. In reality, your nervous system is swooping in and keeping you safe by keeping that stuff visible before you even realize what's going on. So the choice to keep this stuff visible, to keep it out in the open where you can see it,

Again, I'm gonna repeat this and say it is not something that you are choosing. That is not a decision you are consciously making. It is a nervous system response that is happening before you can make the choice about it. And so essentially what I'm saying is that visibility, having this stuff be visible to us,

It feels safer, again, to your nervous system than organization does. And this is really the heart of why we leave stuff out, especially when it's paper things and things that maybe we are afraid of losing. You know, when we have sentimental clutter, maybe we have old clothing or we have some of our kids' that's not usually stuff we're afraid of getting rid of because what if I need it later, right?

But a lot of times our paper clutter, those are things that we have what are usually these irrational fears of not being able to have if and when we need it. Yet research shows that more than 80 % of our paper clutter is actually stuff that we could get rid of. But the heart of why we leave things out, especially paper things, is because keeping it visible feels like the safer choice.

Visibility essentially gives your brain three different things. It gives your brain, number one, memory support. It means I won't forget about this. The second thing it gives is control. I can see what's still pending. Therefore, I will always know what's still pending. And the third thing it gives your brain is reassurance. Essentially what you know in that case is that nothing is gonna slip through the cracks because it's all right here.

where I can see it. And so in light of these three reassurances that your brain has, that clutter, that stuff that's all over your dining room table, your kitchen counter, wherever else the visible spaces are, it's not about messiness. It's about your brain saying, if I let this go, something important might fall apart or fall through the cracks. And that's why putting things away,

without a system in place, it feels uncomfortable or even like you're doing something wrong because in reality it could slip through the cracks if you don't have a system that will prevent that from happening and have a system that your brain can actually believe, right? You have to actually have the buy-in that not only do you have a system, but you have a system that you feel confident will work and that you will follow through with, that you will actually uphold.

And so it's why we're talking about more than one, it's why we're talking about more than just the system here. It's why next we're gonna talk about permission because you do need both. The system is the structure. The permissions leans more into the execution and the belief stage. We're gonna get there, but for now, we're talking about just the system and the structure. So what then, if our brain can't let go of the stuff,

right now because again it feels like it needs to see it. What is going to allow our brain to actually let this stuff get out of sight but not out of mind? In reality your brain releases its grip only when it has proof of safety. Proof of safety. What does proof look like? Proof looks like a defined container or bin or basket that says

This clutter, these things belong here in this container, in this basket, in this bin. It needs to have a clearly defined and assigned container, right? Think of a container as just something that has some sort of walls that will contain it, right? It's not openly spilling out. A corner of the counter isn't a container, right?

A container is something that will keep it from creeping out. So a defined container, that's proof essential number one. Proof essential number two is a routine. Something that says, will come back to this container to deal with what's in it at this time. A routine says, I'm going to deal with this container at this time. And then the third proof that it needs is a clear next step.

It is when you know what I am supposed to do next. When those three proof essentials are present, then your brain can essentially exhale. It can let go. So it says, okay, this is held. All this stuff that is in this container, this is good here. It's taken care of. I don't need to keep watch over it. It's not going anywhere.

It's here contained within these walls and it's not going to go anywhere. That's when you can actually put something away and trust that it's not going to slip through the cracks. So in our time here, what we're doing now is giving your brain a better option. Instead of using the clutter,

the visible stuff all over your dining room table or your kitchen counter as the system, because essentially that's what's been happening. The system you've been relying on is I can see it. It's never gonna fall through the cracks. I'm not gonna forget about it because I can see it. So you have had a system. Your system has just been visible clutter. But we don't want the visible clutter, right? We're trying to move forward from the visible clutter. We're trying to make progress.

on clutter being everywhere in our spaces. And so we then need to come up with a different and better option than just the visible clutter, than just relying on I'm gonna keep it in my sight so that it can't be out of mind. So instead of using the visual clutter as the system, we're gonna build a structure on purpose, right? The structure on purpose, again, remember our three proof essentials. It needs to have a container.

Right? It needs to have a place to go. So choose one area of visible clutter. Maybe it's your dining room table. Maybe it's just gonna be a section of your dining room table for right now because it is very full of clutter. Choose something that is small and doable within one set of time and one set of energy bandwidth. Right? Because not only do we need the time to work on

clutter, but we also need to have the emotional bandwidth, the energy bandwidth, and the capacity to deal with it. So you need to choose something that is small enough to put these three proofs into place. You need to pick something that is small enough and that is within the bandwidth that you have right now. So again, maybe it's not gonna be your whole dining room table. Maybe it's just gonna be this section. But choose something

that you can work with in just this one sitting. As soon as we're done here, this is my challenge to you. And you're going to create a place for the stuff that is in that area to go. Now, maybe it will need to be a couple of different baskets or bins. So for example, let me give the example of the dining room table and let's just say that you're gonna be working with one area of the dining room table. But you know that you've got paper stuff

and you've got non-paper stuff. So in that case, it might be easier for you to have, again, the ability to separate. In fact, I might say three things. This is, when I teach clutter on a practical level, I always talk about taking care of the trash first. So I'm gonna challenge you to have three different containers when you work on that area of your dining room table, in my example. Maybe one of the containers will just be the trash can.

But what I want you to be able to do is when you are working on containing the stuff in that area that you'll be able to very quickly start with the trash. So it might just be to have the trash can or the recycle bin right there. But for most people, they're gonna look at that one area and they're gonna realize I've got some paper stuff, I've got some stuff that's not paper and I've got trash. So you need to have three different containment systems to use in that way. Now let's say you know you only have paper clutter.

Well then you only need the trash or the recycle and the container for the paper. But if you know you have paper, non-paper and trash or recycle, those are the three containers that you need. So step number one is to create that place, okay? That's step number one. Step number two is to create the plan. So yes, you're going to work on that container, work on that area, separating it into these three different containers.

When are you going to do that? How are you going to do that? Maybe you say, I'm going to work on it in 10 minute increments. And so the plan is I'm going to work on it 10 minutes and I'm going to work on it for 10 minutes right now. Then you have the third proof that is needed and that is the plan of when you're going to come back. So if you are saying, I've got my three containers,

I've got my plan, I'm gonna work on it for 10 minutes right now. You also have to say, when am I going to come back? So you could say things like, I'm gonna work on it for just 10 minutes every hour. I'm gonna set my timer and every time there is a one o'clock or a two o'clock, every time the time resets for the hour, I'm gonna work for the first 10 minutes. Maybe you say, I'm gonna work on it a little bit this morning, a little bit in the afternoon, a little bit in the evening.

but you must know when you are going to come back. And that is so important because what we are also doing in this process is something that I talk about a lot, and that is the idea of building trust with yourself. You are reestablishing self-trust because chances are if you've got clutter, you've tried to work with it before and it hasn't worked out super well.

And so you don't have a lot of trust in yourself that you'll be able to take care of it, that you'll be able to stick with it, that you'll be able to follow the system and the structure that you might set up because it's never worked for you before. But in the name of building self-trust, we have to have these very clear, defined steps and we have to follow them. And so what that means in my example is if you tell yourself, I'm going to work on it for 10 minutes, when 10 minutes is done,

you stop working. Because even if you're willing to keep going, because you have to train yourself that when you ask yourself to do something and you step in to do it, you are going to do that in exactly that. That is how we build self-trust. But the third piece then is when are you going to come back? So what will that look like for you? So you've got the system, you've got the place, you've got the container.

and we talked about the three different types of containers you'll likely need, you've got the plan, I'm gonna work on it for 10 minutes now, or I'm gonna work on it for 10 minutes this evening, maybe you only set up the container in the place in the beginning, that's totally fine. But what is the plan? And when you are going to keep moving forward, how are you going to take a pause and step back into executing the plan?

So this is how really the mental heaviness that we feel about clutter can start to shift. This is how the need to keep it visible can start to lose its grip on you. Structure reduces that mental grip. It reduces mental load by creating predictability. We now have a predictable system. We have containers instead of just piles.

We have routines instead of decisions. Instead of deciding when am I gonna work on this, we know when we're gonna work on it because we've set it up. And you have a defined starting and stopping point so that you can carry through, so that you can follow through with those things without feeling guilty because you paused in the middle. You already said, I'm working, in my example,

I'm working for 10 minutes and then I'm going to be done. You don't have to feel guilty when that timer goes off and you walk away because you've done exactly what you asked yourself and you've created a structure. Structure tells your brain when it comes to visible clutter, this structure is gonna be telling your brain, I don't have to keep all of this visible. Essentially your brain doesn't have to keep holding it.

You have a structure that allows your brain to know here's when it's going, here's where it's going. Here's exactly when I'm going to deal with it. Here's exactly how I'm gonna find it and when. And that is your structure that you now have in place. And that's gonna bring us to the second piece. That's gonna bring us to the second internal structure that we need, and that is permission.

and that's gonna be what we talk about next. So that's what I had for you here today. Start by getting your structures in place. Start by the understanding of what we talked about today, knowing that, again, you had a system up to this point, your system was visible clutter, but we don't want that anymore. We want a system that doesn't require the visible clutter. So get your structure in place, then you'll be ready to listen to the next part.

which is how we're gonna step into permission. This is essentially internal safety to use the structure that you have set up. And that will be what we talk about next time. And so, I'll see you then.