Ep. 214: The Midlife Exhaustion No Planner Can Fix

Hey friend,

Let's get real for a second.

You haven't lost your mind. You haven't failed at life. And you're not broken.

But something feels off, doesn't it?

You're tired in a way that sleep can't fix. You're overwhelmed in a way that to-do lists can't solve. You're stuck in a way that motivation can't touch.

And you keep wondering: What is wrong with me?

Here's what I need you to hear today: Nothing is wrong with you.

But something is happening to you. Something quiet. Something heavy. Something most women never see coming.

Today, I'm going to name what no one else is saying out loud.

I'm going to show you why life feels so tangled—even when you're trying your best.

And it's not what you think.

Let's get into it.

Check Why Life Feels So Tangled HERE

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Transcript

Well, if you're listening to this right now, chances are you've spent a lot of time wondering what's wrong with you. Why can't I just get this together? Why do other people seem to manage this better than I do? Why do I keep starting over? And the story that you've been telling yourself probably sounds something like this. I'm not motivated enough. I'm not disciplined enough. I'm behind, and I'll never catch up. I just need to try harder. And so you try harder. You add systems. You buy the planner. You set the goals. You download the app.

You join the challenge, and you tell yourself Monday is going to be different. And maybe for a little while, it works until it doesn't. And when it falls apart again, the story gets darker. Maybe I'm just not ever going to be able to manage this. Maybe other people have something I don't. Maybe I'll just always be this way.

Most women that I work with, assume that life feels heavy and messy and tangled because they're unmotivated or undisciplined or behind or doing something wrong. And so they try harder, they push, they add more systems, they wait for motivation to kick in. And when none of that works, the story gets even worse. They wonder why others seem to be able to manage what they can't. They ask, what's wrong with me? But the truth is this, the diagnosis is wrong.

Life doesn't feel messy and tangled because you're lazy or failing. It feels tangled because of something much quieter and really much heavier. The weight that you're carrying, it isn't all of those tasks. It's not all of those things to do. It's not the responsibilities and it's not even the amount that you're doing or not doing. It's the mental negotiation that underlies everything. It's the constant, I should.

or I need to, or I need to get to it, or I just need to figure this out. That negotiation, it never stops. And let me say that again, because this is the whole thing. The negotiation, it never stops. Every open question, it keeps pulling at you. Every unresolved decision, it stays active in your mind. And in time, the costs add up. Your brain is holding 1,000 open loops right now.

what to make for dinner tonight and tomorrow and the rest of the week, that friendship that feels off but you haven't addressed, the text that you haven't answered because you don't know what to say, the house project that you keep putting off, whether to stay in the job or look for something else, whether to speak up or stay silent, whether to set the boundary or let it slide, the career move that you're not sure about, the appointment that you need to make but keep avoiding, the conversation you know you need to have but don't want to start.

Every single one of these is an open decision. And every open decision drains you all the time, not just when you're actively thinking about it, but all the time. Because your brain treats every open loop like it's an urgent task, even if it's been sitting there for months, even if it's not actually urgent, even if you're never actually going to do it. Your nervous system doesn't know the difference. It just knows this. It knows that this is something that is unfinished.

and unfinished things cost you. So here's the sentence that can change everything. Undecidedness drains more energy than effort. Listen to that again. Undecidedness drains more energy than effort. It's not the doing that is exhausting you so much. It's the not deciding. It's that constant negotiation. It's the mental back and forth. It's the holding everything open. That's what's draining you.

So let me tell you a season when I saw this play out in my own life in the most painful way. So several years back, I was in one of the hardest seasons of my life. My husband was in nursing school. He was in his early 40s. And this was a massive decision for our family. He had never been a strong student. Most of his credits didn't transfer. And so he had to retake all of those gen ed classes before he could even start the nursing program.

And then after 18 grueling months in this accelerated program after all of the Gen Ed was done, he failed passing by a segment by just 0.8 % just before graduating. It was devastating. That failure also meant waiting nine months to retake that piece. We were discouraged. We were exhausted.

But we'd already come so far, and so quitting didn't feel right either. And so we regrouped. We held our breath, and we kept pushing through. And I can see now that that season demanded everything from me. I picked up extra work. We shifted our entire family rhythm. I let go of longstanding routines. It was a massive disruption. And here's the thing that nobody tells you about seasons like this. You survive them. You show up.

You do what needs to be done because that's what you do. But somewhere in the middle of all of that surviving, you started disappearing. And here's what now I can realize when I look back on that season. I hadn't just taken on too much. I kept everything open. Should I keep working this hard or should I cut back? Should I ask for help or should I just push through? Should I hold a boundary with my family or should I just let it slide? Should I be mad or should I be understanding? Should I quit some things or should I keep going?

Every single one of those questions stayed open for months. And every single one of them was draining me, not because I didn't know the answer, but because I wouldn't close the loop, even if I did. I kept negotiating with myself over and over. Maybe I should ask for help, but that feels hard. Maybe I should just do it myself, but I'm exhausted. Maybe I should set a boundary, but what if they get mad? Maybe I should just let it go, but I'm resentful. Round and around and around it went.

that internal negotiation was more exhausting than the actual hours and work that I was keeping. And that's what most women don't realize. Here's what really happens when you keep everything open. Nothing feels finished. Nothing feels chosen. Nothing feels stable. You're not just doing life. You're actually holding life. Every area stays up for consideration. Every option stays on the table. Every decision feels provisional.

And because nothing is closed, nothing actually gets lighter. This is critical. When everything stays open, nothing gets lighter. When everything stays open, you can't fully commit to anything because everything is still up for debate. You can't rest because there's always something that you should be doing. You can't make progress because you're constantly reconsidering the path. You feel guilty no matter what you choose because you're always second guessing.

You feel behind even when you're working hard because nothing ever feels done. You feel overwhelmed even when your to-do list isn't long because your brain is managing a thousand of these invisible decisions. This is what it looks like to hold life. And it's exhausting. And here's what most women don't realize. The weight that you're feeling isn't coming from what's on your plate. The weight is coming from what's on the table.

It's everything you're still considering. It's everything you haven't decided. It's everything you're keeping open just in case. That's the weight. And it's invisible to everyone, probably even you. Your husband, doesn't see it. Your kids don't see it. Your friends don't see it. Again, sometimes you don't even see it, but your body feels it, and your brain feels it, and your nervous system feels it.

So let me tell you a story that perfectly illustrates what happens when you refuse to make and honor a decision, when you refuse to make a decision and close that loop. So this is a little bit embarrassing, but I'm going to share it anyway. It's one of those stories that we have from back when we were a teenager. There was this one corner in my house where it always got super icy. It was a turn that I had to make and it always got super icy in the winter. And somehow I managed to crash in that exact same spot.

three different times. Not once, not twice, but three times. Every time it was because I took it too And every time I told myself that I'd slow down next time. And every time I didn't. I'd slam into the curb, I'd wreck the alignment, and I'd head straight to my dad's car dealership to again report what happened. And the second time they started calling me crash. The third time I was basically a legend around that place.

And of course, since it was always my fault, I had to pay for it out of pocket to fix it every single time. It was embarrassing. But looking back now, I can see that it really is a perfect metaphor for what I'm talking about today. I knew that the corner was icy. I knew that I needed to slow down, but I never actually did it. I never actually made the decision to slow down. I kept that decision open. Maybe I should slow down, but I'm running late.

Maybe it'll be fine. I've made it before. It's been fine before. Maybe I should just go for it. That internal negotiation, that refusal to close that loop, it cost me over and over and over. If you keep crashing in the same place, it's not bad luck. It's actually a pattern. But the thing about patterns is that they don't break on their own. They break when you finally close the loop, when you stop negotiating with yourself and you actually make a decision and then you follow it through.

For me, it looked like I'm slowing down at that corner every single time, no negotiating. That's a closed loop. And closed loops don't drain you. It was no longer, how fast can I take this turn every time I got there? I decided how slowly I was taking that turn ahead of time, and that's what I did. There was no thinking or deciding about it. Most people describe what you're likely feeling as overwhelm. But overwhelm usually means too much to do.

And that's not quite right. What you're actually experiencing is not really too much to do. It's too many unresolved decisions. It's too many mental tabs left open. It's too many things that feel unfinished. And so your brain is constantly asking, should I be doing this? Should I be doing that instead? What if I choose wrong? What will this say about me? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I doing it right? The internal back and forth is exhausting. And again, it doesn't signal weakness.

It's because your mind was never meant to live in this state of perpetual negotiation. When you're constantly negotiating with yourself, you can't think straight. You can't make clear decisions. You can't follow through on anything because you're always second guessing. You feel foggy and slow, even though you're smart and capable. You feel stuck, even though you're actively working on things. And you feel guilty no matter what you choose.

This isn't overwhelmed, this is undecidedness. And undecidedness doesn't respond to productivity hacks. It doesn't respond to motivation. It doesn't respond to trying harder. It only responds to decisions. And so here's what's happening in your brain right now. Every open decision, takes up mental space. It's like having dozens of browser tabs open all at once. Each one is running in the background. Each one is using energy.

Each one is slowing you down and the longer they stay open, the heavier they get. Your brain isn't actually broken. It's just full, full of unmade decisions, full of unresolved questions, full of things you're still holding instead of closing. And this is why productivity tips don't stick. It's why new planners don't help for long. It's why motivation fades quickly and it's why starting fresh keeps repeating. None of these things actually

resolve undecidedness. They add structure on top of open loops. And when the structure collapses, as it always does, you're right back where you started, frustrated, exhausted, wondering what's wrong with you, wondering what to do. But nothing is actually wrong with you. The problem is that nothing has been decided. So here's what it looks like when you add systems on top of open loops.

You buy the planner, you set up the routine or the system, you feel hopeful, and for a week, maybe two, it works. But then life happens. Something shifts, something disrupts the routine. And because the decisions underneath were never actually closed, because everything was still open for negotiation, the whole thing collapses. And you think, I failed again. But you didn't fail. You just essentially built a structure on top of quicksand. Systems don't fix undecidedness. They just cover it up.

Motivation is a feeling and feelings come and go. You can't rely on motivation to carry you through undecidedness because undecidedness is mental exhaustion. And when you're mentally exhausted, motivation is the first thing to go. And so you wait for motivation to come back. You think when I feel motivated again, then I'll start. But motivation doesn't come back when everything is still open. Motivation comes back when the mental noise starts to quiet down.

And mental noise quiets when decisions get made, not when you try harder. It's when you close the loops. So when a single decision is made, truly made, something shifts. Mental noise quiets, the internal tug of war. It loses its grip. Energy stops leaking in every direction, not because everything is solved, but because there is one thing, there is something that is no longer being negotiated. That's

What changes things? It's not willpower. It's not discipline. It's not trying harder. It's decisions. It's closed loops. It's settled and answered questions. You make one, and then you make another. And you're closing all of these open loops that were there, just always running in the background. And here's what happens when you close a loop. You stop negotiating with yourself about it. You stop second guessing. You stop carrying the mental weight of should I or shouldn't I?

Your brain gets space back. Your energy gets space back. You get space back. In that space, it actually feels like relief. It actually is clarity. And that's the feeling of being able to breathe again. So let me tell you about a client that I worked with recently. She came to me feeling completely overwhelmed. She couldn't focus. She couldn't sleep. And she felt stuck. As we started unpacking what was going on, here's what we found.

For the past eight months, she'd been trying to decide whether or not to leave her job. Every single day, she went back and forth multiple times. Should I stay? Should I go? What if I regret it? What if I don't? What if I can't find something better? What if staying is the mistake? Round and around and around it went. And that constant negotiation was sucking the life right out of her. She couldn't be present at work because she was always thinking about leaving. She couldn't job search effectively because she wasn't sure she actually wanted to leave.

She was exhausted by all of it and she was definitely foggy and she was stuck. And so here's what I needed to share with her. You don't have to make the right decision. You just have to make a decision. And she did. The decision we came up with that fit her the best at the time was I'm staying for six more months and after that, I'll reassess. That's it. She didn't quit. She didn't commit to forever.

She just closed the loop for now because she wasn't ready to make the full decision. But even so, she could still make the for now decision. She could still close the loop. And when that happened, everything started to shift. The mental fog started to clear. The anxiety, it eased. She could focus again. She could sleep again. She could be present again. Not because her circumstances changed, but because that constant negotiation stopped.

Just like in her case, a closed loop doesn't have to be perfect and it doesn't have to be permanent. It just has to be decided. This is what I'm deciding. And sometimes it's, this is what I'm deciding for now. This is off the table. This is settled. When you close the loop, then you start to get your brain back. You get your energy back. You get yourself back. So here's what I want you to do before leaving here today. I want you to...

not think about closing every loop in your life because that's not what you need to think about. You don't have to solve everything. You don't have to make every decision today. You don't have to have your whole life figured out. You just need to close one loop. One. Start there. So closing a loop looks like this. I'm done deciding about this. This is settled. I'm not doing that. That's off the table. This is what I'm choosing for now. I can always reassess later. Or maybe this is good enough.

I'm moving forward. It doesn't have to be dramatic. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be decided. So here's the question I have for you. What's one thing that you've been negotiating with yourself, and you've been negotiating with yourself about this for so long, you know you can decide it, though. There is something that you've been negotiating that you know you're ready to make the decision about it right now. Maybe it's whether or not to sign up for that thing.

Maybe it's whether or not to have the conversation, whether or not to let something go, whether or not to ask for help, whether or not to set the boundary, whether or not to say no. What's one thing that keeps coming up in your mind over and over again that you can just close the loop right now? That's it. Close that loop. Make a decision, even if it's just for now, even if it's not perfect, even if you change your mind later, decide and watch what happens.

In reality, you haven't been missing motivation, and you haven't been missing discipline, and you haven't been missing a better system. You've been missing closed loops and the power that they bring. decisions, decisions can stay decided. Questions can get answered. Mental space can start to free up. That's what you've been missing. And that's what can change everything.

So one thing that can help with this is I've got a download. It's called Why Life Feels So Tangled. And you can download it at Why Life Feels So Tangled. It's a simple, powerful guide that walks you through exactly what I've been talking about today. You'll see the misdiagnosis that you've been believing. You'll start to see the real weight that you've been carrying and what happens when everything stays open and why this often feels like overwhelm, but it isn't. Why trying harder doesn't fix it and what actually changes things.

This guide isn't a checklist. It isn't a plan. It's more of an explanation. And sometimes that's exactly what you need, because once you see it, you can't unsee it. And once you understand what's really happening, you can finally do something about it. You haven't lost your mind. You haven't failed at anything. And you're not broken. You're just tired in a way that sleep doesn't fix. And it's because you've been holding so many open decisions. And it's time to close some of those loops, not all of them. Just one. Start there.

Download Why Life Feels So Tangled at whylifefeelsotangled.com. Read it, sit with it, and then close one loop and see what happens. You're gonna feel lighter. You're gonna feel clearer. You're gonna feel like you can start to breathe again. And it's not because everything is solved, but because something, there's something that is no longer being negotiated. And that is when real life can begin. And so, I'll see you again soon.