Ep. 226: When Survival Mode Is Your Permanent Address

Hey friend. I'm glad you're here.

Before we get into today's episode, I just want to take a second and say — I see you. I know some of you are listening to this while folding laundry that's been sitting in the basket for four days. Some of you are in the car, stealing the only twelve minutes of quiet you're going to get today. Some of you are sitting in a parking lot before you walk into the next thing on your list, just trying to catch your breath.

Wherever you are, I'm glad you're here.

Today we’re talking about survival mode, but in a way that I know no one else is talking about it…because I’m not going to tell you the goal is to get out of survival mode. 

We’re having a completely different conversation. 

So let’s dive in!

Resources mentioned in this episode: 

https://www.jenniferroskamp.com/copy-of-1-how-to-stop-spinning

https://www.jenniferroskamp.com/the-connection-circle-bf-2025--455b7

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Transcript

So last week we talked about how you haven't lost yourself. Your life just got heavier and your systems didn't change with it. If you missed that episode, go back and listen to it. It's episode 224 and it sets up what we're talking about here today perfectly. And so today I want to talk to the woman who heard that episode and thought, okay, but I can't actually change my life right now. Maybe you were nodding along and somewhere in the back of your mind there was this

quiet voice saying, okay, Jennifer, that's great in theory, but you don't know my life. You don't know how many people need me. You don't know how little margin I have. And you know what? You're right. I don't know your specific life, but here's what I do know. I do know your season and I know that woman because I am her. And so today we're not going to talk about how to fix you. We're not going to talk about how to fix survival mode.

We're going to talk about how to live in it without losing yourself completely in the process. So let me just pull back the curtain for a minute because I think it matters that you understand where I am talking from. I have nine kids, nine. I homeschool them. Now I've graduated four, but that means that there are still five who are in school at home all day long. We have sports, we have music.

and really a genuinely full and beautiful and chaotic life. And I run a business, not a side hobby, a real business that requires real time and real energy. This isn't just a busy season for me. This is my life. And I get between four, I get up between four and five in the morning. And if I'm being honest with you, genuinely honest, I feel guilty when I get up closer to five because in my head,

I've already lost an hour that I needed, an hour that was mine, and I can't get that back. And the day hasn't even started yet. Now, my morning routine isn't something I do because it makes me feel zen. I do my personal morning routine because it is survival. It is the only way that I can get ahead of the day before the day starts running me ragged. That quiet 30 minutes, that includes water and my Bible.

and a few minutes of stillness, it's the anchor. And without it, I'm already exhausted before my feet really even hit the floor. But then that half hour ends, right? And then it's a race. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that by 9 a.m., I have already pivoted from my original plan at least twice. Something always shifts. Someone needs something unexpected. The thing I had planned to do first gets pushed to third.

And then by lunch, it's okay. So that didn't happen. What's the most important thing now? By mid afternoon, my body is done, genuinely done. The energy is gone, but the day isn't. There are still hours left, plenty of them. There are still people who need me. There are things that need to happen. There is a business that doesn't stop just because I'm tired. And if I'm being completely honest, and this is the part that we don't usually say out loud, there are moments where I sit down for two seconds and I think,

I have nothing left and I still have so far to go. Again, in all honesty, because I think we need to have the real and honest conversations, I spend a lot of time fantasizing about checking into a hotel by myself. No agenda, no one who needs me, just a clean bed, room service, silence, and sleep. Three full days where nobody can reach me and...

I'm not ashamed of that thought. It is a completely reasonable response to the life I'm living. I often say permission to be human. And then somewhere in the middle of all of this, you, if this is you, you hear something. You hear it on a podcast, you hear it on an Instagram reel, a well-meaning friend maybe. She says, you know what? You just need to get out of survival mode. And honestly, it feels like a little bit of a slap in the face because your first thought is, good idea.

right? Your first thought is, am I, are you sending someone over here to help? Are you sending someone who's going to do all the things? Because I'd like to know exactly which part of my life I'm supposed to eliminate so that I can get out of survival mode. Am I setting aside the kids? Am I setting aside the business? Am I setting aside my responsibilities? Which one of those am I just going to ignore? And that advice to just get out of survival mode, isn't

bad advice because it's wrong, it's essentially bad advice because it assumes that your life is a problem that you can solve if you just want it bad enough. And for a lot of you, that's not where you are. And so here's what today is. Today is not a 10 steps to escape burnout conversation. It's not a morning routine that will change your life. It's not a here's how to finally get your act together conversation.

Today is for the woman who is in it, who is still going to be in it tomorrow and next week and probably for the foreseeable future. And this is for the woman who needs to know there is a way to live inside survival mode that doesn't slowly destroy you. And we're going to talk about what it looks like to stay intact when you can't change the load, not to escape it, not to fix it. Our goal is just not going under while you're still carrying it.

So I want to start in this particular place because I think this is the thing that nobody is willing to just say plainly. Some of you are in lives that don't have an immediate solution or even a solution that you can see at all. And it's not because you're doing it wrong. It's not because you don't have the right planner or the right mindset or the right productivity system, but because the reality of your life is genuinely heavy. The responsibility is real.

The support is limited. The demand is constant. And there is no switch that you can just flip right now to change any of that. Maybe you're caregiving for a parent on top of raising your own kids. Maybe you're in a season of financial pressure that isn't going to resolve overnight. Maybe you have a child with needs that require more of you than a typical child would. Maybe you're a single parent doing the work of two. Maybe it's all of this. Maybe it's things like this. And together, they all just leave you saying, you know what? This is just my life.

And so then when the message that you hear becomes, just get out of survival mode, what you actually hear underneath it is your life is a problem. And if you're still living this way, well, it's because you're choosing the problem. That's not helpful. That is not coaching. That's shame dressed up in productivity language. And here's what I know about shame. It doesn't move you forward. It just makes you feel worse about where you are.

It adds a layer of self judgment on top of an already exhausting reality. And now you're not just tired because now you're tired and you're failing. And so I'm going to say this first clearly before we talk about anything else. You're not in survival mode. You're not failing. Let me say it this way. You are not failing because your life is hard. You are not weak because you're tired and you are not broken because you haven't figured out how to thrive in the middle of what would exhaust.

every single person I know. You're just in a heavy season or maybe a heavy decade or decades and you need different advice or tools other than we'll just step out of it. And so this is the reframe that I think changes everything for women who are truly in this place. If you can't leave survival mode, if this is genuinely your life right now and it's not a temporary blip that you can push through, the goal

of getting out of survival mode has to change because you can't keep measuring yourself against a standard that requires a life that you don't have. And so the old goal essentially is overhaul my life, get it together, find more motivation, wake up earlier, be more disciplined, figure out why everyone else can manage it and I can't. The new goal needs to become how do I stop getting pulled under while I'm still in the middle of this?

That's it, that's the whole thing. It's not about thriving. It's not about crushing your day or crushing your life. Not about finally becoming the version of yourself that you've been trying to become since January 1st. Your goal is just simply not going under. You're not trying to thrive. You're trying to stay intact. And I need you to hear me when I say that is a completely legitimate goal. It is not settling. It is not quitting.

could very well just be wisdom. The woman who knows what season she's in and adjusts her expectations accordingly, that is not a woman who has given up. That's a woman who has stopped fighting reality and started working with it. There's a huge difference between giving up and making peace with where you are. One costs you everything and the other might be the thing that saves you.

So, okay, this is where I need you to really listen because this is where most women are quietly destroying themselves. We compare our output to women who are operating probably with more, but for sure different resources than we have. More help, more time, more support, more margin, better health. And then we wonder why we feel like we're failing. You don't have the same capacity as that woman.

And I don't mean that as a criticism. I mean it as math. Capacity is limited. Energy is limited. Hours in a day are limited. And the amount of output that you can produce is directly related to the inputs that you have available. If you have nine things demanding your attention and you only have time for six, you cannot also produce the output of someone who has nine things and help for four of them.

The numbers do not work. And this is not an excuse. This is math. But we don't treat this equation like math. We treat it like a character flaw. We say, well, she does all of that, and she seems fine. Why can't I manage my life? And we don't ask the follow-up question, which is, well, what does her support system look like? And what does her schedule actually look like? What is she not doing that I don't see? And here's the question that I ask the women that I work with a lot.

Are you comparing your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel and then wondering why you feel like you don't measure up? Because when you see other women's lives in this curated way, you're just seeing the part that they're willing to show. Nobody posts the pile of laundry that's been on the couch for a week, unless maybe you're me, because I post that. Nobody talks about the thing that didn't happen because something else had to. You're comparing your everything to

someone else's small piece. Let the math be the math. You are not failing. You are running on a different set of outputs. We all are. And the goal isn't to match someone else's output then. It can't be. The goal is to do the most important things with what you actually have. Okay, so if we're not trying to overhaul everything,

And we're not trying to match some impossible standard. Well, what are we actually doing? We're going to ask one question. What can be good enough for right now? What can be good enough right now? Not color-coded systems, not perfect routines, not a beautifully organized home and a thriving business and a fit body and a connected marriage and emotionally regulated children all at the same time. Just what is the version of this?

that works right now, given what I'm working with. Maybe it's meals on repeat, the same five dinners every week. Nobody's going to die. Maybe it's laundry that's contained, not perfected. Maybe it's clean in baskets, but maybe it's not folded and put away. Maybe it's a house that functions, not one that impresses, a business that moves forward, even if it's not moving as fast as you want it to. And I want to get personal here for a second, because I think this matters. Right now, in the middle of this conversation, my

primary bathroom hasn't been cleaned in three weeks. It's right outside this door. And I have three boys who use that bathroom. You can imagine what three weeks probably looks like in that bathroom. And my personal shower hasn't been cleaned in close to two months. I do not like those realities. I am a person who cares about her home. I find peace in a clean space.

And I don't mind sharing this with you because I'm again, I'm not about sharing the highlight reel of my life, but what is uncomfortable for me is having to live in that dirty bathroom. But here's what I've chosen instead of those bathrooms and instead of the shower. Right now I am at every single one of my kids swim meets during championship season, including the out of town weekends that eat entire days of preparing and then weekends of being there and recovering the damage that was done by the several people who were at home while I wasn't.

I'm showing up for my kids at the thing that matters to them and me most in this season. And I'm also in a busy period of my work that requires extra hours. Those two things are my priority right now, not for forever, but for right now. And so those bathrooms, they wait. And I'm choosing to let it wait without standing over myself saying, who lets their bathroom look like this? The kind of person

who is present at our swim meets. That's who lets her bathrooms get like that. And so you can see that this is not about lowering your standards permanently. It's about understanding that our standards must exist in a hierarchy. And in a full life, you cannot hold everything at the top of the hierarchy simultaneously. Something will always have to be lower on the list. And so the question is,

Are you choosing what's lower or are you letting guilt and shame choose for you so that everything feels equally urgent and equally failing at the same time? Choosing what waits is not failure. It's actually a power move because it's actually leading your own life. I describe this as being in the driver's seat versus being in the backseat. If you are choosing intentionally what's going to wait, because again, everything can't be urgent all at the same time,

That's you leading your life. That's you deciding rather than letting life decide for you. So I want to talk about something for a second that I have learned not in a book, not from a course, but from living this kind of life, a life that moves at this fast pace for a very long time. In survival mode, the instinct is to strip everything down, to let things go, to eliminate whatever isn't strictly necessary. And sometimes that's the right thing.

We just talked about letting the bathroom wait. But there is a category of thing that I've learned you cannot let go of. And if you do, you will not just be tired, you will start to unravel. I call these things anchors. Now know that an anchor is not a full routine. It's not a perfect morning. It's not a 10 step system. It's the one or two things that when you protect them consistently, they keep you

tethered to yourself even when everything else is in chaos around you. There the difference between tired but okay and completely lost and drowning. For me, there are two of these anchors. There is my morning routine and there is my workouts. And I want to tell you something about the workout specifically because I think it illustrates exactly what I mean by an anchor. So today, as I record, as you are listening to this episode, I just completed

Jennifer Roskamp (16:40.994)
the 75 hard for the fifth time. Now, if you're not familiar, the 75 hard is a mental toughness program. Every single day for 75 days, you complete two 45 minute workouts, one of which has to be outdoors, rain or shine. And let me tell you, today is March 18th and I live in Michigan. Rain, shine, snow, blizzard, 80 mile an hour winds, all of it.

In addition to that, you follow a diet. You drink a gallon of water every day. You read 10 pages of a nonfiction book. You take a progress photo every single day, no exceptions. And if you miss a day for any reason, you start over from day one. So I have now done this five times. And I want you to understand, I did not do this in an easy, uncomplicated life. I often laugh because this challenge was created by a guy who probably didn't have kids to homeschool.

and could just walk out the door and get his workout in and say, I'll be back in 45 minutes, right? I'm guessing that someone else could probably pick up some of his slack or it could just wait while he put in his 90 minutes of workouts a day. But for me, I did this in my life, right, with the nine kids and the homeschooling and the business and the championship swim season, all of it. 90 minutes of exercise every single day for 75 days. Not because I had extra time or even felt like I had the time to do it at all. I did it.

Not because my life was calm, but because I had made a decision that this was a non-negotiable for me. The workouts aren't just about fitness, though that obviously matters. They're about keeping a promise to myself every single day in a life where so much is out of my control. This is something that I control. It's evidence that I daily prove to myself that I can do hard things, that I can keep commitments.

that I haven't disappeared inside my responsibilities. Outside of the 75 hard, when I miss one of these two anchors, I miss it. I miss my workouts, not just physically, but mentally. Something gets loose. The anchor drags. The to-do list, it doesn't get done in the same way. Because here's what I've learned. Here's what I used to do, right? Push into the night.

\The list was never finished, and so I kept going. 10 o'clock became 11, 11 became midnight, and I would wake up the next morning and I would already be depleted. I would already be behind. I would already be running on empty before the race even started. And I've learned the hard way through many cycles of burning myself down that the to-do list will never be done. But that doesn't mean failure. That is just a full life. It's evidence of a full life. And pushing past empty doesn't get more done.

It just means tomorrow starts worse. And so now when I'm done, I'm done. Not when everything's finished, but when I'm finished. That's not quitting. That's protecting my tomorrow. Now your anchors, one, two, whatever you have, they will look different from mine. They have to because your life is different. But here's the question that I want you to sit with. What are the one or two things that when you protect them, you feel like you're still

yourself. And when you lose them, even if just for a few days, you notice something shift in a way that worries you, in a way that leaves you unsettled, you know you've missed it. Those things are your anchor. So find one, find two, and name them. And then protect them like they are not optional, because in a life like yours, these anchors probably are not optional, just like they're not optional for me.

So I know what you want, and I want it too, right? You want the moment when everything clicks, when the reset actually sticks, when the system that you've created finally works, the version of your life where you feel on top of it instead of crushed under it. And I'm not going to tell you that that's not coming. It might be, but it's not coming today. And trying to force it today from where you are right now will probably just lead to another crash.

And so instead of the big overhaul, I want to give you four tiny stabilizers. Now these are not life changing. They're not going to fix everything, but they will help you keep your footing on a day where the ground is uneven. So number one is one honest sentence. Sometime today, I want you to say out loud, even if it's just to yourself, I am operating at capacity. And you're not doing this to complain.

You're not doing this to make an excuse. You're just saying the truth out loud. Because something shifts when you stop pretending and start naming reality. You stop fighting against the truth of where you are, and you can start working with it. The second thing to do is one act of basic kindness towards yourself. Water. Food that isn't grabbed on the run. 10 minutes where you sit down and nobody gets access to you.

I'm not talking about an entire self-care system or routine here. I'm talking about treating yourself like a person who deserves the basic things that you'd make sure your friend or your kids got, because you do deserve that too. The third thing is one intentional downgrade. So look at your week and find one thing that doesn't need to be done at full capacity right now. Don't eliminate it, just downgrade it. Maybe dinner doesn't have to be cooked from scratch.

Maybe the email response doesn't have to be perfectly worded. Maybe the house doesn't have to be clean before people come over. Just pick one and give yourself permission to do it at 70 % and call it done. The fourth thing to intentionally choose is a two minute check-in before you sleep. Not to journal, not to necessarily do a reflection practice. Two minutes.

to ask this one question. What did I do today that was worth doing? Not what didn't get done, not what should I have done differently, just what happened today that mattered? You stayed, you showed up, you kept going when it was hard. Those things, they count. Notice it. What was it for you? So these four things, like I said, they're not going to transform your life, but they will help you survive today without it costing you more than it has to.

And right now, that's exactly what we're going for. And so I want to end this conversation the same way that I started. I see you. I see the woman who gets up early and goes to bed late and still feels behind. I see the woman who is giving her best to 10 different things and quietly wondering if her best is even enough. I see the woman who loves her people fiercely and sometimes, in a small private moment, fantasizes about three days completely alone to just remember her own thoughts.

and think a thought through from start to finish. You are not choosing to drown. You are choosing every single day to keep breathing in conditions that would take most people out. That's not weakness. That's not failure. That is one of the hardest and most underrated forms of strength that there is. The goal isn't always to escape. Sometimes the goal is to build enough ground under your feet

so that you can stand inside the life you're already living to stop fighting against the weight and start learning how to carry it without it crushing you. And the woman that you thought you've lost, the one who felt capable and clear and more like herself, well, she's not gone. She hasn't disappeared. She's just buried under a life that got heavier. In every small shift that you make, every anchor that you protect, every honest sentence that you let yourself say, every good enough you choose instead of perfect or nothing,

That's going to give her, that woman, a little more air. She's still in there. Keep going. So know that if this conversation resonated with you today, if you heard something that finally said what you've been thinking but you couldn't put into words, I want you to take one last step. Download my free guide, How to Stop Spinning. This guide is specifically for the woman who is still in it. It's not a 30-day challenge. It's not an overhaul plan. It's not going to ask you to wake up earlier or do more.

What it will do is help you start identifying what your own anchors could be, the specific things that could create stability for you in the middle of the chaos and give you a framework for building just enough ground under your feet to stop spinning. It's a starting point. It's linked down in the notes. This is a starting point, not a finish line. It's just the beginning. And sometimes that's exactly what we need.

And if you know a woman who needed to hear this conversation, a friend, a sister, or someone that you keep thinking about as you've been listening, please share it with her. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do for someone that we love is to say, hey, you're not alone in this. Someone else gets it. That person you're thinking about, she needs to know that she's not alone either. And so that's what I had for you this week. Let's make it an intentional day.