Ep. 229: Why Nothing Has Cleared the Clutter (Even When You've Tried So Hard)

Before we dive in, I just want to take a second and say…if you're new here, welcome. I hope this conversation is exactly what you needed to find today. And if you've been here for a while, you know how I do this. No fluff. No hype. Just real talk for real women living real lives.

And today's topic iis one I have been wanting to sit down and talk about for a long time. Because I think it's one of those things that so many women carry quietly…this low-grade frustration, this subtle sense of failure and nobody is actually naming what's really going on.

So today, we're naming it.

I want to ask you something, and I want you to really sit with it for a second before you answer.

Have you ever looked around your house, maybe it's the kitchen counter that never seems to fully clear, or that one corner of your bedroom that just always has something piling up in it, or the junk drawer you've cleaned out four times but somehow it's back to chaos and thought:

Why is this still like this?

Not just "ugh, I need to deal with this." I mean the deeper version of that question. The one with a little shame tucked underneath it. The one that sounds more like:

Why is this still like this… after everything I've tried?

Because here's who I'm talking to today. I'm not talking to the woman who has never thought about this. I'm not talking to the woman who just discovered the concept of decluttering last week. I'm talking to the woman who has tried. The woman who has genuinely, repeatedly, sometimes desperately tried to get a handle on this and can't figure out why it won't stick.

That's who this episode is for. And I have some things I want to say to her today that I think are going to feel really important.

So stay with me.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Clutter Languages Guide- clutterlanguagesguide.com

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Transcript

Okay, so I wanna start by doing something a little bit different. I want to call out specifically and directly what you have probably already tried to deal with your clutter, some of the things that you've already done. Because I think that one of the most isolating parts of this particular struggle, of the clutter struggle, is feeling like everyone else has figured it out and you're probably the only one who can't make it work. Like all of those decluttering systems and step-by-step processes,

They just don't work for you. And so let me name a few of the things that you've probably tried. You've probably tried the room by room approach. You pick a room and you focus there and you work through it methodically. And maybe it went great. Maybe that room looked amazing when you were done. But somehow the rest of the house still felt impossible and you ran out of steam before you got to any of that stuff.

It could also be that you've tried the big clean out, the one where you get super motivated. Sometimes this happens right before the holidays or right after the new year starts or before someone's coming to visit and you just go all in. You go and you go hard and then and then you fill the bags, you donate the stuff, you throw the stuff away, you rearrange. It looks incredible and you feel incredible for a few weeks.

Could be that you've tried the bins, the labels, the cute organizational systems from the container store, Amazon or Target or wherever. And they looked great. They really did. But then life happened and nobody put stuff back where they were supposed to go. And now all the bins are still there, but they're full of all the wrong stuff. And somehow it's worse because now you also feel guilty about all the money you spent on that stuff. And it's still just as big of a mess as it was before.

It could also be that you've tried the checklists, the 30 day challenges, the declutter 10 things a day approaches, and maybe you did really well for the first week, maybe even two weeks, and then one day, it just, you fell off, and then you couldn't figure out how to get back on track, and so then that approach just quietly faded away. You've probably tried this idea of,

just making the decision to stay on top of it, making the commitment, a fresh start, fresh energy, and committing to yourself that this time is gonna be different, and you meant it, you really did. But staying on top of anything is really hard when everything else in your life is demanding that you are on top of those things too.

And you've probably watched some of the shows, you've read the books, you've listened to the podcast episodes, maybe even this one right now, hoping that someone says whatever it is that you need to hear to finally let that be the thing that clicks. And maybe for a little while, some of these things even worked. Maybe you even had a season where things felt more manageable, where you could walk into your kitchen and you could feel calm instead of overwhelmed, where the counter was clear and the closet was organized and you thought,

Finally, finally I've got this. And then something shifted. Life got busy, a hard season came, something took your attention and your energy and your bandwidth and slowly, without even fully noticing it, the clutter just came back. And with it came this feeling, this quiet, heavy, exhausted feeling of I should be able to do this. Why can't I do this? What is wrong with me? And I have the answer.

Nothing. There is nothing wrong with you. And I mean that. Not as a soft, feel-good, sugar-coating sort of thing that's just gonna make you feel better. I mean it as a factual statement. The reason that nothing has stuck is not because you are broken or lazy or uniquely bad at this. It's because you've been approaching a real problem with the wrong solution. And that's what we're gonna talk about today. So, okay, here's the thing that I want you to really hear.

This is the core of everything I'm gonna say today. And so I want you to slow down and just focus on me for a second, okay? Clutter is not a housekeeping problem. And I know that that sounds a little counterintuitive, right? That it's literally stuff in your house. What are you talking about, right? How is it not a housekeeping problem? But stick with me here. Clutter is what overload looks like in real life. So let me say that again.

Clutter is what overload looks like in real life. When your life is full, and I mean really full, not just busy in a scheduling sense, but full in the way that life, especially by the time you get to midlife, it gets full, right? Where you're managing your own life and your family's lives and possibly aging parents and a career or a business and friendships and a marriage or a relationship and the emotional labor that nobody even puts on the list for all of those things.

When you are carrying all of that clutter, the visible physical clutter that you see with your eyeballs, it shows up. It shows up as the pile of mail on the counter that you've walked past 17 times this week. Because making one more decision feels genuinely impossible. Your brain is just done making decisions by the time you see that pile. It shows up as the laundry that's been sitting in the dryer for three days because folding it and putting it away,

It requires a trip upstairs in 15 minutes. That doesn't sound like a lot, but when your tank is empty, it sounds like climbing Mount Everest. It shows up in the stuff that lands on the dining room table and stays there. The stuff that migrates from one surface to another. The things that you pick up and you look at, but then you put it back down because deciding what to do with these things is just one more thing that you don't have the capacity for right now.

It shows up in the return bag sitting by the door for two weeks. The donation box that's been ready to go in the car for a month. The pile in the corner of the bedroom that you've made peace with because looking at it directly requires acknowledging that you still haven't dealt with it. All of these scenarios that I'm describing, they're all the same thing. This is overload made visible. And here really is this light bulb moment that I really want to give you today.

the one that I really want to hit you. You're not bad at decluttering. You have been trying to declutter while overloaded. And those are two completely different problems with two completely different solutions. You've been trying to solve a capacity issue with a cleaning strategy. And it sort of works until the moment that your capacity starts to dip or drop again.

which is the exact moment when you need the solution to hold. And if it doesn't, you're the failure. And in reality, the solution doesn't hold because that solution wasn't meant, it wasn't built for holding in the middle of busy seasons with draining capacity. It's like putting a really beautiful bandage on a wound that still needs stitches. The bandage looks good and it covers things up.

but it doesn't actually close the wound. And the second that it gets wet or it shifts or it gets bumped, it falls off and you're right back to where you started. That's what's been happening. It's not because you failed, but because you were using the wrong tool. And so I want to walk you through something right now. I want to map out the cycle because I think when you see this cycle clearly, you're going to feel both relieved and maybe a little bit emotional in the way that you kind of feel emotional when something finally clicks, when something

finally makes sense, you finally have an answer. And so here's how the cycle goes. Something shifts and motivation, it shows up, right? It might be a new season. Spring always does this to people, right? There's something about the longer days and the fresh air that makes you want to clear things out. It might be a specific moment when, for instance, you can't find something that you need or you see a photo of your house that makes you cringe or a friend is coming over and the anxiety of them seeing

How you live is enough to finally push you into action. Whatever it is, the motivation arrives and it feels real and strong and this time you mean it and so you start. And because the motivation is high, you go all in, you go hard, you clear a whole room, you fill the bags, you make the decisions, you get things out of your house and you look around at what you've done and you feel, and I mean this genuinely, you feel like a different person, like a version of yourself that you want to be.

lighter, clearer, more in control, more like the woman you know you can be. And it holds for a while, maybe for a few days, maybe a few weeks, maybe even longer. And you think, this is it. This time is different. I am going to maintain this. And then life happens. It's not dramatic usually. It's not one big thing. It's just accumulation. It's a hard week at work. It's a kid who's struggling and needs more of your time than usual.

It's a conflict in your marriage that's draining your emotional energy. It's a season where sleep just isn't happening the way that it should. It's a stretch of time where every day feels like you are running behind before it even starts and your energy drops. And when your energy drops, your decision-making capacity drops with it. That's not a character flaw. That's neuroscience. Your brain has a finite amount of decision-making energy in a day and

when it's drained, when your cup of resources and your bandwidth and your decision making ability is drained for the day, it starts conserving, it goes into conservation mode. It starts defaulting to the path of least resistance. And the path of least resistance is to put the thing down on the counter instead of putting it away. It's just to walk past it and not think about it. It's to close the door instead of opening it. It's to walk past the pile instead of dealing with it. And so you stop.

Again, not in a dramatic way, not with this big huff and declaring, I've given up, right? You just quietly stop. And one day becomes two days and it becomes a week. And the services that were clear, they start to have things on them again. And the closet that you've organized, it starts to have extra stuff that's shoved into it. And the pile in the corner, it reappears. And then, then the shame hits. And...

The shame is the thing that makes it hardest to start again. Because now you're not just dealing with clutter, you're dealing with the story that you're telling yourself about the clutter. The story that says that you can't stick to anything. That says this is just how you are. That says this is just what you're gonna have to tolerate. The one that says you've lost it and maybe it was never really yours to have. That story is not true, but.

When you're already depleted, it is a very loud story. And here's the thing that I want you to understand. The piece that changes everything. It's not that you can't do it. It's that there's nothing holding all of your progress in place when life gets messy and when life gets hard. There's not a method that works when, it's not a method that works when you feel good and only when you feel good.

That's not a sustainable method. It's a motivation dependent method. It means that you're gonna feel good. You have to feel good in order for it to work. And motivation is a wonderful thing. It's a great starting point. But it's not a system on its own. It was never meant to be the thing that keeps everything running. A system has to hold on Tuesday at 9 p.m. when you're exhausted and when everything about your day has been hard and you just want to sit down.

A system has to hold the seasons when life gets loud. And what most women have been given is not a system, it's a starting strategy. And starting strategies run out when motivation starts out. When motivation runs out, that's the gap. And that's what we're gonna talk about, how to fix. We're gonna talk about how to bridge that gap. So let me get really specific because I don't wanna just name the problem.

I want to tell you what's actually missing because once you see this gap clearly, you can start to fill it. What's missing is not more effort. And I want to say that first because I know the temptation, right? When something isn't working, the first instinct is to just try harder, to be more disciplined, to care more, to push through. But you've already tried harder. You've already pushed. Trying harder with the same approach is just going to produce the same result.

with more exhaustion along for the ride. What's missing is also not more motivation. Motivation is not the problem. You have motivation at times. You feel it every time you look around and feel the weight of the clutter. You feel it every time you imagine what it would feel like if things were different. And so the motivation is there much of the time. So the problem is that motivation is not designed to be load bearing.

It's a spark. It's not a structure. It's not a framework. What is also missing, and this one is important, it is not another method, another checklist, another system that someone invented that works great in their house and in their life and in their season. The internet is full of methods. You've probably tried several of them. The problem isn't a lack of options. Here is what is actually missing first. It's a way to make decisions when you're tired.

Most decluttering approaches require full cognitive engagement. You have to assess the item. You have to think about where it belongs. You have to decide if you're keeping it. You have to figure out where to put it if you are. You have to figure out how to get rid of it if you're not. That is a lot of steps. That is a lot of mental energy. And it works great on a Saturday morning when you've had coffee and you're feeling ready. But most of life doesn't happen on a Saturday morning.

Most of the maintenance happens on Tuesday evening when you've already made 400 decisions that day and your brain is just done. You need a simpler framework. You need a lower bar. You need a way to make progress that doesn't require peak cognitive function every single time. The second thing that you're missing is a way to keep going when life gets full, not by forcing yourself, not by shame spiraling yourself back into action.

But by having an approach that is small enough and simple enough and flexible enough that it can survive an imperfect week because there will always be imperfect weeks. That's not a flaw in your life. That's just what life is. A system that requires perfect conditions to function is not a real system. And the third thing that you're missing, and I think this might be the most important thing that I will say today.

What you need is a system that works inside your actual life, not the life that you wish you had, not the life that you're planning to have once things calm down, your life right now, the one that is layered and nuanced and loud and sometimes messy and never quite as spacious as you'd like it to be. Structure should serve your life. It should flex with your real life.

not demand that your life becomes something quieter and more orderly in order for it to work. If the approach you're using requires your life to be different than it is right now in order to function, it was never and is never going to last. You don't need to do this better. You need to do this differently. And so I want to tell you something that happened to me not too long ago because I think it's going to land

in a way that an abstract explanation won't, okay? So I had a small collection of items sitting in the corner of my office, returns mostly, things that I'd bought online and that I decided weren't right. They were packaged back up. They were put aside to deal with later. It wasn't a lot of stuff. It wasn't some overwhelming pile that was taking over the room. It was a manageable little stack of things that needed to leave my house. And I walked past that stack every single day.

And every single day it bothered me. Not in a big dramatic way, just this low hum. This sight irritation every time I walked past it. This background awareness that there was this thing that was not done, an open loop. A decision that had been half made. I had decided to return the things, but I had not fully executed on that decision. And what I've come to understand, and this is something that I really want you to hear, is that clutter.

doesn't have to be a mountain to have weight, to feel heavy. Clutter is just unfinished decisions, that's all it is. Every item that is sitting somewhere it doesn't belong is a decision that hasn't been fully made yet. And your brain, whether you are consciously aware of it or not, is keeping track. It is running a mental tab of every open loop that you have in your house. The pile of papers on the kitchen counter.

The bag of donations that have been sitting by the garage door for six weeks, the things on top of the dresser that don't have a real home yet, the closet that you've been avoiding because opening it means having to deal with what's inside. Every single one of those is an unfinished decision and your brain is carrying all of them all of the time, even when you're not looking at them. Even when you're doing something completely unrelated, there's a part of your brain that is quietly

constantly tracking the unfinished business. And that is exhausting. That is a real measurable cognitive load that is sitting on top of everything else that you're already carrying. This is why clutter feels heavier than it looks. This is why you can be sitting on the couch watching TV and feel this vague sense of unease. Every time, every time you sit there watching your favorite show,

Even though nothing is actively wrong, it's those open loops that you are vaguely aware of. It's the unfinished decisions that are running in the background taking up space. And this is also, and I want you to hear this specifically, why decluttering is actually a self-care practice. Self-care is not just about bubble baths. This is a self-care practice as well, not in a fluffy, trendy way.

in a very real neurological way. Because every time you close a loop, every time you make a decision and execute on it and put the thing where it belongs or get it out of your house, you are handing your brain back just a little bit of energy. You're taking something off of that ongoing tab that is always there. And when you start to understand it that way, not as a chore, not as a reflection of your worth or your capability or what kind of woman you are,

but as a way of reducing the mental load that we hear so much about, all of that mental load that you're carrying, when you see it that way, now the whole thought of decluttering somehow begins to feel different. Because now the question isn't, why can't I just be more disciplined about this? The question now becomes, how do I create a way to close these loops that works in real life on hard days, in

busy seasons with the actual energy that I have? That is a completely different question and it has a completely different and much more useful answer. And I want to offer you a different way to think about this and I want you to really try it on, Even if part of you is resistant, because I think it's going to change the way that you approach this whole thing going forward. Instead of asking, how do I finally get this clutter under control? Ask, what is the smallest?

most sustainable step that I can take today. Sounds simple, right? Almost too simple, but I promise you it's not. Because what I'm really asking you to do is to let go of this all or nothing approach that has probably been running the show. All or nothing is the thing that makes you feel like if you can't do the whole clean out, if you can't do the whole drawer, if you can't clear off the entire counter, you shouldn't bother starting.

It's the thing that makes you feel like a session that lasts only 10 minutes instead of two hours doesn't count. It's the thing that makes you look at how much still needs to be done instead of acknowledging what you've already accomplished. All or nothing is the enemy of sustainable progress. And for a lot of women, especially who are busy and have lived and are living a very full life, loving their people well,

and feel called to doing things for them, these are the women who feel like the only thing they can do is do the decluttering, reorganize, make sense of everything, do it thoroughly and completely or not at all. It is a deeply ingrained pattern in most women. But here's the truth, small consistent action taken in real life always beats big

motivated action taken occasionally, every single time, without exception, because the small, consistent action actually accumulates. It actually moves the needle. It doesn't depend on having a perfect day or a wide open Saturday or a motivational wave that may or may not show up. It doesn't require that you fix everything in a weekend. You don't need to declutter every room before you'll feel relief.

In reality, you just need to make one decision, close one loop, do the next small thing, and then do it again later. Maybe later in the same day, maybe tomorrow, maybe later this week, and maybe the day after that. And if you miss a day, hey, that's okay. You just come back. You come back and you skip the guilt. You come back not to restart from zero with a big dramatic recommitment. You just quietly.

without any ceremony and pomp and circumstance, you come back and you just do the next small thing. This is how it actually works. It's not in a blaze of motivated glory. It's in quiet, consistent, unglamorous, sustainable action. So here's why I'm talking about all of this today. Here is where everything that I've said so far connects to something really practical and really exciting.

This month I'm hosting a five day event called the Spring Clutter Fresh Start. And I want to tell you about it because I think what I've been describing today probably resonates with you. If you heard yourself in this cycle that I've been talking about, if you have felt the weight of the open loops, if you are tired of starting over and not knowing why nothing can hold, this event was made for you and it starts live on Monday, April 6th.

And if you're listening to this after that date, we're gonna have it available as a replay event as well. Here's how it works since you know there's just something powerful about being at an event like this in person. But here's what you need to know. It's five days, just five days. Each day has a specific focus, a specific area or category or type of decision that we're gonna tackle together.

You're not gonna show up wondering what to do next or how to prioritize or where to begin. You're gonna know every single day there is a clear, simple, doable focus. The sessions are short. I built this specifically for women who don't have big blocks of time to dedicate to this because that's real life. You're not gonna need to carve out an entire Saturday. You're not gonna need to clear your schedule. These are sessions that can fit into a real week.

with real women, with real responsibilities. The decisions that you're gonna make are simple. I'm gonna walk you through exactly how to approach each day so that you're not having to generate a whole decision mapping and decision making framework from scratch every time. I've done that work for you. Your job is just to show up live or on the replay and follow the steps.

And there are optional skills labs afterward each day where we practice a learned skill if you want to go deeper. These skills labs are something that everyone in my coaching community accomplished lifestyle is already very familiar with. They are filled with extra support, extra tools, a little more structure if you want it, but they are optional. The core event is designed to work even if you can only show up for the daily session.

This is designed for the woman who is overloaded. This is designed for the woman who has tried before and it didn't stick. This is designed specifically for real life, not the ideal version of your life, not the version where you have a free week and a clear head and unlimited energy, your actual life as it is right now. Now I know that some of you are listening and part of you is in. You're ready. You're going to sign up.

The second the episode is over, or maybe you've already decided to join us, head to joinmeforthechallenge.com. You can find out everything you need to know there. But I also know that some of you are on the fence, and I know what the fence sounds like because I've heard it a hundred times from women I coach, and I've said it to myself more than once. I've tried things before. What's different about this? Or maybe what's running around in your head is, don't know if I'll actually be able to follow through, or maybe it's I want to.

But I always start these things and don't finish them. And if those are the conversations that are running around in your head right now, I hear you. Those are not irrational thoughts. They're the voice of someone who has been disappointed before, someone who has invested hope and energy and sometimes money into things that don't deliver the lasting change that she was looking for. That's not weakness. That's experience. That's discernment that you're receiving right now.

And I'm not gonna tell you that this time will magically be different because of some secret ingredient that I have that nobody else has. But what I will tell you is this, if the approach that you've tried before didn't work, the problem was the approach, not you. And trying something that is designed differently, something shorter and simpler, built specifically around the real obstacles that women face, well, that is not the same as trying the same thing again.

You don't have to come into this with full belief. You don't have to feel certain that it's going to work for you. You just have to feel willing. You just have to be willing to show up for five days and be open to trying something different. And here's what I know about the women who do that, who show up even when they're skeptical, even when they're tired, even when they've been disappointed before. They are the women who are ready for something to actually change and readiness.

Matters more than certainty. So if you are on the fence, I'm gonna ask you to come anyway. Bring your skepticism. It's welcome. Bring your half-done piles and your complicated closets and your history of trying. All of it is welcome. Just show up. So here's what I want you to do right now. Go to the notes below. The link to register for the spring clutter start, fresh start is right there. Or you can join me at joinmeforthechallenge.com.

Click the button on that page. Put your name and email there. There's a waiting list that is there before it opens. So if you're going before it actually opens, get on the waiting list. If it is open, put your name and email there. You'll get all the information you need about the dates and the times and how it all works once you fill everything out, delivered right to your email. We have made this super affordable. We have made the skills labs that go deeper.

optional, that's it. That is your next simple step. Really? What I'm asking you to do is exactly what I've been asking you to do throughout this episode. It's to make one small decision. It's one closed loop. You're registering for something that is going to help you close a lot more of those loops. And I want to say this before I let you go. Whether you join us for the event or not, I hope that this episode gave you something to hold onto today.

I hope that it shifted something, even if just slightly, in the way that you see yourself inside the clutter struggle. Because you are not a woman who can't do this. You are a woman who has been trying to do this under the wrong conditions, with the wrong tools, without anyone giving you an approach that was actually designed for your real life. And that can change right now. So I wanna leave you with something simple in all of this.

You don't need to fix everything. You don't need to transform your whole house this weekend. You don't need to reach some impossible standard of what organized is supposed to look like. You don't need to have it all figured out before you start. You just need to start in a way that actually works, in a way that can hold in place on a hard day, in a way that respects the life you're actually living, not the one that you think you should be living. That is what's possible.

It's not, I repeat, not about perfection. It's not about having the most organized house on the block. It's not about carrying the weight of a thousand unfinished decisions and trying to assume that that is a visual clutter problem. Your visual clutter problem needs to be seen clearly. It is 100 % about carrying all of those unfinished decisions.

We want you to be able to walk into your kitchen and feel peace instead of low grade dread. What you can gain here is about feeling like you're on top of your life even just a little bit instead of constantly feeling behind. That is worth five days. And so I'll see you inside the Spring Clutter Fresh Start. All of the details are down below. Go grab your spot, whether it's on the waiting list,

or in the actual event itself. Thank you so much for being here. These conversations, they're so meaningful to me and I hope that they're meaningful to you. And if you know that they would be meaningful to someone else that you know, share this episode with her. How fun would it be to have your friend or your friends who are also struggling with a very full life, how fun would it be for you guys to take the spring clutter fresh start together?

So send this to her as well. So now go make this decision, just this one decision for today and let that be enough. And so until we talk again, make it a great day.