Ep. 238: It's Not the Clutter…But Here’s What it is

Before we dive in, I need to ask you something.

Is there a pile somewhere in your house that you walk past every single day?

Maybe it's the kitchen counter. The mail that's been sitting there since Tuesday. The closet you shove things into and pray the door stays shut. The garage you haven't been able to park in for two years.

You walk past it. You see it. And instantly…before you've even had your second cup of coffee there it is.

That tightness in your chest.

That low-grade hum of anxiety that follows you into your day.

And the thought that comes in fast, almost like a reflex: Why can't I get it together?

And then, because you're you, and you are a woman who holds it all together, or at least tries to, you push it down. You keep moving. You tell yourself you'll deal with it later. You've been telling yourself that for six months.

Here's what I want to say to you right now, before we go any further:

This is not about the clutter.

I'm going to say that again, because I really need it to land.

This is not about the clutter.

This is about the cycle you're stuck in. And today, we're going to talk about what that cycle actually is, why all the decluttering advice you've tried hasn't worked, and…this is the part I'm most excited to teach you, how understanding your clutter language changes everything.

Because here's what I know about you: You're not failing at decluttering.

You've just never been taught how to understand what's actually going on underneath it.

Stay with me. This is going to be good.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

midlifeclutterhelp.com

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Transcript

All right, so let's address the elephant in the room really quick. For those of you who are watching this video as opposed to listening to this conversation, let me just let you know what's happening over here. If you stick around for any length of time, you will see me like this again. I have been dealing with skin cancer since I was 28 years old, and I'm in my early 50s. And so at different times, I have surgeries. At different times, I have

different procedures done, this happens to be chemotherapy cream on my face, which is about as fun as it probably sounds. So for those of you looking at me wondering what's up with her face, that's what's up with my face. But I can still talk. I can still have conversations. I'm doing okay. So let's jump back in. Okay, so.

Let's start, when it comes to this clutter, let's start with the real problem because if we don't name it clearly, we can't move through it. And here's what's actually happening when you look at that pile and you feel it, right, in the pit of your stomach. You see the clutter, you feel the shame. Shame turns into overwhelm. Overwhelm leads to avoidance. Avoidance, you guessed it, creates more clutter. And that growing pile of clutter,

only reinforces the belief that you've been carrying around for years, maybe without even realizing it. I am the problem. I am failing. This is my fault. And that is the loop. And most of the women that I work with are stuck inside of it. They're spinning, they're starting over and starting over again and quietly concluding that something must be fundamentally wrong with them. So let me give you some examples because I want you to recognize yourself here.

What about the garage that you haven't opened in months because looking at it makes you feel like a failure or that pile on the counter that somehow multiplies overnight, no matter what you do. What about the closet that you've organized three times this year and it looks the same as it always has within two weeks. What about the craft supplies for a project that you started in 2021 that you can't bring yourself to get rid of because getting rid of them feels like giving up on yourself.

Do any of these sound familiar? If so, here's the reframe that I need you to hear. And if you didn't hear yourself yet, I promise you will. So lean into this reframe anyway. The clutter isn't the problem. The meaning that you've attached to it is. Because as long as you look at that pile and your brain translates it into evidence that you are failing or lazy or incapable,

you will keep avoiding the solution. Your brain is not going to want to walk towards the thing that makes it feel ashamed. Again, that does not mean that you are weak. That's basic human psychology. You are not broken. You are overwhelmed. And you have been misdiagnosing the issue probably for years. But the good news is, is that can stop today.

So now let's address something directly because if you're listening to this, you've probably tried to deal with clutter before, maybe more than once, maybe many, many, many times. You've watched YouTube videos, you've bought the bins, you spent a whole Saturday with a garbage bag and a podcast and genuine legit motivation. And two weeks later, it looked exactly the same. You've probably been told to start small, to pick one drawer, to do 15 minutes a day.

to follow the Conmarie method, to hire a professional organizer to color code your closet. Those are all decent things to do. And you tried, you really tried with those things. So why didn't they stick? Well, here's the truth, and I'm gonna say it very clearly because that's how I operate. I speak clearly. You are trying to solve an emotional pattern with a physical solution.

You are trying to solve an emotional pattern with a physical solution. That's why it didn't work. Think about it. You clean it up, the bins are labeled, the counters are clear, you feel genuinely proud of yourself, and you should for about four days. But your thinking hasn't changed. The beliefs underneath haven't shifted. The emotional patterns that created the clutter in the first place are still running along in the background.

like an app that you forgot to close. And so the clutter comes back. Except for now, you feel worse than you did before because now you have proof. You tried, you made progress and it didn't work again. Here's what no one is telling you. It's not about trying harder. It's about thinking about your clutter differently. This is the work that I do with women every single day. It's not about the bins, not the checklists.

Not the rigid systems that fall apart the second that life gets loud. We start with what's underneath. I like to describe it as an iceberg. We've all seen pictures of those icebergs where above the surface, you see this big, huge iceberg. But then below the surface, there is an even larger iceberg. Like 20 % of it is above the water. 80 % of it is below. That's what I'm talking about. That underneath stuff.

When you can understand what's actually going on underneath all of the stuff, that is when actual change happens. So here's where I want to shift a couple of things, because this is the concept that I think is going to genuinely open up something for you today. Number one, your clutter is not random. And it's not proof that you are a mess. It's not evidence that you're lazy or disorganized or beyond help.

Number two, your clutter is communication. Your clutter is actually talking to you. It is patterned. It is layered. And it is telling you something very specific about what's going on inside you. Something about your emotional state, something about your beliefs, your fears, your relationship with yourself. Most women have just never been taught how to read this. They've never been taught how to listen to what your clutter is saying. So what do these women do? Well, they blame themselves. They try harder.

They buy more bins, they get that dopamine hit of a clean surface for a week and then wonder what's wrong with them when it collapses. Here's the shift. When you don't understand the language, you feel stuck. When you do understand it, you get clarity and clarity creates movement. You stop asking, what should I do? And you start asking, why am I stuck? And that is a completely different question and it leads to completely different results.

So let's talk about the five most common clutter languages that I see, especially in women who are fully capable, smart, completely overwhelmed. Because what I want you to do is I want you to be able to hear yourself in at least one of these, maybe more than one. There are 10 total, but we're gonna talk about probably the five most popular right now. right, so clutter language number one is the overwhelmed avoider. You know this one, you walk into the room.

Maybe it's the office, maybe it's the garage, maybe it's the basement. And before you've taken two steps in, your brain just shuts down. Not because you don't care. Actually, it's the opposite. You care so much that the weight of it is crushing. There's so much to do. You don't even know where to start. And so your nervous system does the only logical thing that it knows how to do. It exits the building. And so you walk out, you tell yourself you'll come back, but you don't come back.

And then the shame spiral starts because you're a grown woman and you can't even deal with this room in your house. Here's the truth. You're not lazy. You're at capacity with it. Your brain is doing exactly what a brain does when it's overloaded. It avoids. The problem isn't your motivation. The problem is that you're running on empty and you've been running on empty for so long that the idea of even one more task feels like someone asking you to carry

One more thing, when your arms are already over full. so avoidance, you avoiding that stuff isn't the problem, it's actually the signal. It's the signal that you're tapped out, that you need to address the capacity issue before you address the clutter issue. Because no amount of Saturday decluttering sessions is going to fix a Thursday nervous system. So that's clutter language number one. Clutter language number two for our purposes today is the sentimental saver.

So this one runs deep. And if this is you, I want you to hear me say this with so much compassion. This is not about this stuff. This is about memory. This is about identity. This is about motherhood, maybe. This is about love. This is me. This is my predominant clutter language. The truth is you're not keeping the baby clothes because you don't have enough storage space. You're keeping the baby clothes because letting go of them

It feels like letting go of a season of your life. The season when they were small and they needed you in that particular way and the world just kind of made a different sort of sense. You're not keeping the cards and the artwork and the dried up macaroni project because you're a hoarder. You're keeping them because they're proof. Proof that these moments happened, that you were there and that this was real. The stuffed animals, the first pair of shoes, the concert ticket stub from a night that you will never forget.

Every single one of those items represents something that you don't want to lose. But here's the reframe. And I do say this gently because I have been in this place. The memory doesn't live in the bin. It lives in you. You are the keeper of those moments, not the stuff. The stuff is just an anchor. And sometimes those anchors are keeping you tied to the past when the most powerful thing you could do is carry the memory forward without the weight.

So clutter language number three is the fantasy future planner. Now this one stings a little bit. I am going to warn you about that. This is about the version of you that thought you'd be by now, the clothes in the back of the closet that are a size you haven't worn in three years, but you're keeping them for when you lose the weight. It's the Spanish language textbook that you bought back in 2018 because you were going to finally learn Spanish. It's the sewing machine still in the box or

layered with inches of dust. It's the stack of books about the business that you were going to start, the journal that you bought with every intention of being the kind of woman who journals. These items are not clutter. To you, they represent possibility. They represent the woman you are still planning to become. And getting rid of them feels like admitting defeat, like accepting that you're not going to become her after all. But here's the honest truth. Keeping the item doesn't create the future.

It just clutters your present. The version of you that learns Spanish or launches the business or becomes the runner, she's not summoned. You don't summon her by holding onto the relics of that intention. She's built through decision and action. And sometimes clearing out the fantasy items is what finally creates the space for the real next chapter, the one that's true and genuine to you. Now, that's when that can take shape.

This isn't about giving up on yourself. This is about getting honest with yourself. And that is a form of honoring and respecting yourself. Clutter language number four, the bargain hoarder. I know you. You didn't make a bad decision. You made a really smart decision in the moment. It was 40 % off. You had a coupon. It was a buy two, get one situation. How could you say no to that? You bought seven bottles of conditioner because

The price per unit was actually unbelievable. You grabbed the extra throw pillows because they were clearanced, and you knew that you'd use them eventually. You are resourceful. You are practical. You are not wasteful. And these are genuinely good qualities. But here's what's happened. The smart decisions that you've made, they've stacked up now. And now the guest room closet is essentially a monument to your best bargain hunting moments, and you feel this low grade stress every time you open it.

The reframe here is simple, even if it's not easy. A good deal isn't good if it takes up space you actually need, whether it's visible space, mental space, brain space, emotional space, right? Your home is not a warehouse and your peace of mind, has value too, and it doesn't show up on the receipt. The cost of physical clutter is also emotional clutter, and that tax gets paid every single.

Clutter language number five is the indecisive over thinker. And here is where everything stalls. This is the clutter language of the woman who is smart and thorough and conscientious and probably paralyzed by her own brain in many ways. Because for you, it's not that you don't care about the decision, it's that you care too much. Every single item becomes a case to be argued.

But what if I need it? But what if I regret it? But what if I can't replace it? But what if I donate it and then need it six months from now? You can spend 20 minutes standing in front of a box of items that you haven't touched in four years making a case for keeping every single thing in that box. And so nothing moves. Nothing leaves. Nothing gets decided. But here's the truth. You're not stuck because you can't decide. You're stuck because you're trying to decide perfectly.

You want the guaranteed right answer before you act. And in the absence of that guarantee, you choose not to decide at all, which feels safe, but it's still a choice. Not deciding is still a decision. And it's the decision that's keeping you stuck. And here's what I want you to hear. Done is better than perfect. It's a cliche. I get it. But it's so true. Done is better than perfect. An imperfect decision made and acted on

will always move you further than a perfect decision that you're still waiting to make. All right, so I wanna take a breath here and bring this together because I know that that was a lot of information and I also know that at least one of those, maybe two or three felt like I was reading your mind. But here's what I need you to understand. None of those clutter languages, none of the 10 clutter languages are character flaws, not one of them.

They are patterns, they are coping strategies, they are the ways that your particular brain with your particular history, with your particular emotional makeup, your particular season of life has learned to respond to a world and a life that asks a lot of you. If you're kind of doing two things at one time, listen to this part right here. The overwhelmed avoider is not lazy, she is depleted.

The sentimental saver is not weak. She is loving. The fantasy future planner is not delusional. She's hopeful. The bargain hoarder is not irresponsible. She's resourceful. And the indecisive over-thinker is not a mess. She's actually thorough. These are not problems to be ashamed of. They are patterns to be understood. And once you can name the pattern, everything shifts.

When you know your clutter language, you stop asking, what should I do with this stuff? And you start asking, why am I stuck here? That's the question that leads to real change. It's not more bins. It's not a better system. It's a deeper understanding of yourself. Now, I want to go just a little bit deeper before I let you go, because I think this is the piece that makes everything else kind of make sense. Right now, if you're honest, part of you believes something about yourself.

A story you've been carrying maybe for years, maybe so long that you don't even realize it's a story anymore. It just feels like truth. It could be things like, I'm the kind of person who can't stay on top of things. It could be, I always start and I never finish. It could be, other people manage their homes, but I can't. It could be, something is wrong with me. And I want to challenge whatever your story is directly because here's what I actually see when I look at you.

The woman who's been walking past that pile and quietly carrying this shame. You are a woman who has been overloaded with her life. You've lived your life well, but you're also overloaded by your stuff. You are a woman who's been running your household, keeping everything straight, probably being the emotional thermostat for others, probably also holding space for everyone around you, probably while managing your own emotional world on the side.

and hello hormones. You've been operating at capacity or beyond it for a long time, and you've been blaming yourself for something that you actually never understood. This is not a character flaw. This is a woman who needed a different kind of help than what the world was offering her and all of those decluttering strategies and great things. But the key is this, when you stop seeing yourself as the problem,

you finally can become someone who can solve it. Now that's not a motivational quote. That's a literal truth because the shame cycle that I described at the beginning of our conversation here, it runs on the belief that you are broken. The moment that belief starts to shift, the cycle starts to break apart and you can climb out from it. You don't need to become someone new. You need to stop seeing yourself as someone

who can't. OK, so here's what I want you to do right now. Not later, right now, while you're still here with me. I want you to go back through those five clutter languages, and hopefully you took notes. I want you to go back through those five clutter languages, and I want you to identify the one that felt the most like you. Not the one that you liked the best, the one that exposed you, or maybe more than one. The one that maybe you wanted to argue with a little bit later. Write it down. Say it out loud. Just name it.

trying to fix anything with it yet. Don't go pulling out any garbage bags, right? Awareness first, action second. I say all the time, we need to separate the thinking from the doing. That's what we're doing. Because that's the sequence in which when we do things, they actually work. All right, and then I have another question for you. Which one of those clutter languages did you want to defend? Which one made you wanna say, okay, well, but in my situation, because

That defensiveness is information. That's your brain protecting a pattern that it doesn't wanna let go of yet. That's your starting point. Now, here's what I want you to do next because today we covered five clutter languages. There are more. On April 25th, I'm hosting a declutter-a-thon and I want you there. And here's what makes this different from every other decluttering challenge or...

something like that that you've ever done and abandoned by day two. We are not starting with the stuff. We are starting with you. Before we touch a single pile, a single item, before we grab a single garbage bag, we're gonna walk through all 10 clutter languages together. You're gonna understand exactly which patterns are running in your home and in your head. And then when we actually start moving through your space,

you are gonna make progress you have never made before because you'll finally understand why you've been getting stuck and you'll have the tools to actually move forward through it. This is not a vague workshop where you're gonna feel inspired for a few hours and nothing changes. This is the work and the waiting list is open right now. So head to the show notes down below where you'll find the link and get on the waiting list.

Spots are limited. I want this to be small enough where we can actually do the work together. And if you've been waiting for the thing that finally makes the difference with all of your stuff, this is it. You don't need more bins. You don't need more motivation. You need clarity and you need someone to walk through it with you. Check the notes down below, get on the waiting list. And then when we open registration, I'll see you on April.

Until we talk again, make it a great day.