Love & Dating: Navigating Relationships with Confidence

• Ever wondered why your relationships keep failing despite your best efforts? You're not alone. In this revealing episode, I dive deep into the real reasons "nice people" find themselves giving everything in relationships only to end up heartbroken, blocked, and without closure.

• Drawing from conversations with daters aged 14 to 64, I unpack the essential tools everyone needs in their relationship toolbox. The transformative "flag and pole" analogy reveals the dance between masculine and feminine energies that creates relationship harmony, while practical advice helps you recognize when people-pleasing behavior sabotages your connections.

• For those navigating online dating, I share crucial guidance on pacing your self-disclosure and why "show, don't tell" matters when presenting yourself to potential partners. Contrary to conventional wisdom, nice guys don't actually finish last - they just need better boundaries and self-awareness to succeed in finding meaningful love.

• I recommend two life-changing books that illuminate how childhood experiences shape adult relationship patterns and why viewing love as a daily, intentional practice transforms how we connect. Whether you're newly single, perpetually struggling in relationships, or simply wanting to strengthen your current partnership, this episode provides the framework for more conscious, fulfilling connections.

• Don't miss the Dating Red Flags Checklist mentioned in the show notes - it's an essential resource for anyone wanting to date more consciously and protect their heart while remaining open to love. Share your stories and questions through the text option available on all platforms, and remember to follow and share if this resonates with your own relationship journey.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Wisdom Wellness Wednesday
• 2:23 Dating Questions and Relationship Tools
• 6:27 Books on Inner Child and Love
• 11:51 The Flag and Pole Analogy
• 15:57 Online Dating Advice for Men
• 20:31 Shout-outs and Contact Information
• 27:13 Dating Red Flags Checklist Offer

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Bow, chicka, wow, wow, what's up? Party people, welcome to another episode of Elkivage your Life. I am your hostess, with the mostess L as in the letter L and key as in the key to your heart. Okay, let's get into it on this. Wisdom Wellness Wednesday. How's everybody doing? It's the middle of the week, it's hump day. I always feel a sense of relief when it is Wisdom Wellness Wednesday because it's like we got over that hump. We have two more days we can do this, all right.

Speaker 1: 0:51

So tonight's topic is kind of a recap of well to my new listeners out there. First of all, thank you for tuning in, thank you for watching, thank you for listening. For those of you that don't know, I've been making a personal appearance on YouTube, so you can put a face with the name, even though sometimes I may be Elkie, I may be Eva, don't know, depends on the day. So Eva is my alter ego, the blonde wig, also my co-host, chanel, who has been joining me in the YouTube episodes. So I wanted to say thank you to all my loyal listeners, appreciate your feedback. Please be sure to follow and share to help the algorithm, and I will do my best to remember at the end that I need to include the link, the checklist link, for all of you to have this checklist in your back pocket of what to look for when you're dating. What are the danger signs, yada, yada. Matter of fact, let me go ahead and look it up right now so I can put that in there, all right? So, basically, what I was sharing with you is that the dating episode I did was such a huge hit that I wanted to do some follow-up episodes. Who knew that I? I was going to get hit with so many questions? Concerns, feedback, horror stories, updates, online pursuants all of that but also relationship questions.

Speaker 1: 3:00

As most of you know, I am married. I've been married for going on two years now. Actually, it's approaching our two-year anniversary May 20th and I'm definitely learning a lot as I go along myself From interviewing people, talking to people from ages 14 to 64. I mean a pretty wide range, because I have friends of all ages that I talk to, from the kids at school that I work with to young ladies and gents that I know that are in the dating pool. And then you know people closer to my age and older that are in the dating pool, that are experimenting with online dating or meeting people in a grocery store or that sort of thing. So lots of information that I have to share with you, and I can't be here all night because I still have to distribute my YouTube video. Hopefully I'll be able to put it on there, because it was like 25 minutes. It was just. It's supposed to be a little sneak peek, but here goes.

Speaker 1: 4:18

So one of the questions or concerns whatever you want to call it that got brought up is you know, why do nice guys finish last and I don't know which questions to ask? Stuff like, you know, what am I doing wrong dating? Because you know I end up doing anything and everything for the lady or the man and in return, I get dumped. And then I got, I get blocked on social media, and so just a lot of unpleasant stories that I heard, and so I figured you all need some tools in your toolbox right in your toolbox, right? So it made me think well, I need to have this information to share with you, and I want to be able to share this information confidently so that you all have tools in your toolbox for when you are going out on these dates, whether it's first date, second date, third date, dating, thinking of considering a relationship, whatever it is. We all need to have this information, and so I'm going to start with gosh. Where am I going to start?

Speaker 1: 6:15

Let me start with one of my listeners and watchers. So he's closer to my age and, for those of you that don't know, I'm 56. He's in his mid-60s and he's looking to be in a relationship, probably looking to settle down ultimately, right, I mean, at this age, we don't want to die alone. I mean, at this age, we don't want to die alone. So, and his last relationship ended badly he tends to do a lot for his partner, even though seeing red flags, ignoring the red flags probably a people pleaser but also doesn't want to be alone, wants to be in a relationship, doesn't want to disappoint his lady, and then finds himself getting dumped, blocked, ghosted. So no closure. So what is my advice to you? Number one get to know the person that you're dating. Number two listen to the red flags, pay attention to those red flags, heed to those red flags.

Speaker 1: 7:36

So one of the things that I talked about on my previous podcast was a couple of books that you. This is a book that has been passed on from generation to generation. I mean, if you looked at this book, I think my mom gave this to me in like the 70s or 80s, so it has been passed on. Your Inner Child of the Past by W Hugh Misseldean MD, missildine Missildine MD. Over 150,000 copies sold in hardcover. And this is back in the day. This is a paperback and I'm pretty sure she gave this to me 70s, 80s, 90s, I don't know Long time ago. Anyway, what it does is it gives you some great information about your inner child of the past and how you bring that into your adult life and how they influence you.

Speaker 1: 8:42

For example and again, this is a recap for those of you that listened to episode last week, apologies, I'm just going to glaze over it real fast so were your parents perfectionists? If your parents were perfectionists, the adult you could be is endlessly preoccupied with physical, intellectual or social accomplishment. If they were perfectionists Wow, a lot of these strike a chord with me. Were they over-submissive? If they were over-submissive, the adult you could be might be impulsive, trigger-tempered, inconsiderate of the rights of others. If your parents were over-indulgent, then you might be bored, unable to initiate. Carry, oh gosh, where is it? If they were overindulgent, then you, your adult self, might be bored, unable to initiate or carry through or persist in an individual effort. If your parents were punitive, then you may be fiercely vengeful. Or what if your parents were neglectful, then it might make you anxious, lonely, unable to feel close to others. And, last but not least, if your parents were sexually stimulating? If your parents were sexually stimulating, then the adult you could be might be obsessed with physical sex and dissatisfied with personal relationships. These are just a few things to look at. I mean, it goes into your inner child of the past, of are you divided against yourself, are you divided against yourself, the attitudes about our childhood and how they mislead us, and it's just a wealth of really good information.

Speaker 1: 10:45

So that's one of the books I recommend. The other one I always like to talk about shout out to my family Kyle Few, professor Kyle, dr Kyle, as I often refer to him, as he wrote an amazing book that's available on Amazon through Audible, and it's called Commitment to Love. Love is a Verb by Kyle Few, p-h-e-w, p-h-e-w, and he talks about commitment to love. Love is a verb. People have this idea in their head. Well, love is like oh, you know, when you like someone, you hug them, you kiss them. It's so much deeper than that. There's so many more layers to what is love and what does love look like, feel like and the commitment to it, and so that's why I really appreciate the title and what he talks about. So a lot of you out there. I recommend this book, not just for if you're single dating, but also if you're in a relationship, if you're married, if you are engaged, if you are looking to pursue these things, because it talks about your.

Speaker 1: 12:09

Commitment to love is something you have to give every single day. It's like a garden you have to water it. You have to give every single day. It's like a garden you have to water it. You have to make sure it's given enough sunlight and nutrients and food and care, intention, right. So there's a lot more to the commitment to love other than just saying, oh, I love you. It's intentional acts that go into it.

Speaker 1: 12:45

Also, self-love. Self-love is very important because if we don't have self-love, how do we give our love to somebody else? So how can we be pursuing somebody else if we don't have self-love? How do we give our love to somebody else? So how can we be pursuing somebody else if we don't have that self-love? Anyway, so, going back to my friend and his struggles.

Speaker 1: 13:07

First of all, I was like okay, you are a people pleaser, you are holding on to these ladies because you're lonely, you're older, you're getting up there in years, and so you're thinking well, I have to sacrifice myself, my boundaries, my needs, my wants to please her, to be in this relationship. No, it should be a give and take, and sometimes it's going to be 80-20. Sometimes it's going to be 70-40, 60-30. You get what I'm saying? Right, it's not always going to be equal, always going to be equal. The point is that there definitely has to be a give and take and you have to have healthy boundaries and you have to know what it is you want and what it is you're looking for so that you choose the right person for yourself.

Speaker 1: 14:11

So some of the things that I, first of all, I was doing some interviewing today of various different ages, and so, for example, uh, in my friend's case, I want to tell him you need to look inward and maybe even create yourself a checklist of what's important to you. And in my previous pods I talk about the first eight questions and getting to know the person, like what are their hobbies, what are their interests, what kind of music do they like? What's their favorite book, movie, show, podcast? What are their biggest accomplishments? What are they proud of? What are their values? How do they handle disagreements? What have they learned from their past relationships? Let's hope they've learned some valuable lessons. What are their love languages? What are their love languages and what's your definition of a good relationship? These are just some questions, some date questions, but then I stumbled across some information today that I found very helpful and it's a great analogy, so I want to share that with you.

Speaker 1: 15:42

And talks about what do women want from men and vice versa, and it's known as the flag and pole analogy. So the pole is the man strong, reliable, grounded, predictable and the woman the woman is the flag. She's beautiful, she's colorful, she's feminine, she's flowing, she's dancing in the wind, sometimes she's down, sometimes flying high. Men crave that feminine energy. They want to bask in it, they want to hug it, love it, Embrace it, marinate in it. So the man Needs to be strong, reliable, grounded, predictable, because he is the flagpole. And the woman the woman might often be unpredictable at times. She's beautiful, she's colorful, she's dancing in the wind sometimes, but then sometimes she's down and sometimes she's flying high. So I thought that was a great analogy of what women and men are represented as, because it gives them an idea of what we, as women, are looking for, but also of what we as women are looking for, but also speaks to what the women are and what to expect from them.

Speaker 1: 17:48

So some of the things that a woman needs Attention she needs to feel seen and heard. Put your phone down, make eye contact, value her thoughts, opinions. We want to know that you are paying attention, that you are listening, that you're not distracted and looking around the restaurant or looking at the other females walking by, or maybe you're in a sports bar atmosphere and you look up and glance at the game. No, we need you to be intentional. We need you to be present. We need to feel important, like you are listening to us, looking at us and taking notes.

Speaker 1: 18:42

Number two respect. Show her respect, respect her choices, respect her voice. Respect her voice, respect what she has to say. If a woman feels respected in your actions, then she will stand by you. So don't just say you respect her, show it, demonstrate it, stand by it. And number three security. And I know you're thinking oh, yeah, yeah, woman wants a man to be the provider. It's not just about the money, ladies and gentlemen. Security is not just about the money. They need you to make her feel safe secure emotionally, physically, financially, all of that. We need to have all of that, and that means security. It will bring out the best in the woman. So, if you stand by your word, if you make her feel safe and, like I said, physically, emotionally, all of that, financially, all of those things are important. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Your word is your bond. Have any of you heard of those? Things are important. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Your word is your bond. Have any of you heard of those?

Speaker 1: 20:20

Chivalry is not dead. I talked about chivalry, and so if you do all of these things, it becomes like a dance. The partners lead and follow each other other, but they are moving forward together. So if it's like a dance and partners are leading and following each other, then it becomes like a dance. It becomes more fluid, easy. You're you're leading and following together and you're moving forward together.

Speaker 1: 21:04

The other thing I want to share with you, gentlemen, if you're doing the online dating or even dating in person, I just would like to offer some suggestions to the men and to the women. So to the men while I know that you are eager to meet the lady friend that you see online, her profile looks good, her pictures look good. You are dying to meet this woman, so you are going above and beyond. Oh, oh, something happened at your home. Oh, no problem, I'll come over and fix it, even though you haven't had a first date yet. Um, or there is the over.

Speaker 1: 21:47

Eager loves to talk about himself. Bragger, if you will, oh, will. Oh, just so you know. I'm a great guy, by the way. I'm a great catch. I love to fish, I have a ranch, I have a jet, I have boats, horses, jet skis, guys, show her, don't tell her, show her, don't tell her. If you want to talk about all of your toys that you have to offer, invite her out on a date and talk to her about these things and ask her hey, do you like jet skiing? I'd love to go jet skiing with you sometime if you like to do that. Oh, what are your hobbies and interests? Oh, you like horses. I have a ranch. I love to go horseback riding. Would you like to join me?

Speaker 1: 22:43

If you info dump in the beginning, before meeting the lady, she's going to think that you are overcompensating. It's going to sound like this is too much, too soon. And what are you going to talk about on the dates, now that you've told her your life story and how many relationships you've had and how beautiful those ladies were? While we love all of this, all of these things that you have to offer, while we love all of these things that you have to offer, we want to peel back the layers, okay, little by little, on the dates. It gives us things to talk about. Mystery. You want to offer some mystery. So here's what I have to share with you. It's not that women don't like the nice guys and that nice guys finish last. What it is is sometimes we women are looking, we're looking for somebody that has a little edge, a little danger and some excitement has a little edge, a little danger and some excitement. So in the beginning we don't necessarily want predictability. I hope this is helpful to you. I hope this proves promising to you and you will take heed to all of this information.

Speaker 1: 24:19

Shout out to all my loyal subscribers Mike Kaufman, thank you for subscribing and being a loyal subscriber to me. Lisa Roberts Curbelo love you appreciate. You. Can't wait to see you on the dance floor. Jeff Parra namaste, thank you for teaching me how important it is for grounding during meditation.

Speaker 1: 24:46

Kyle Few, thank you for your loyal subscription, thank you for your wisdom and your knowledge and thank you for sharing commitment to love. Love is a verb. Kara Kitchell, I appreciate you. Thank you for your loyalty, your listening, your following, your liking. Thank you for your comments. Shout out to Kara lovemyartistetsycom, where you can find various creative from clothing to t-shirts to poems to musical video, tributes, killer boots, backpacks, wedding favors, you, you name it. My girl can make it. Shout out to tom guzik and minerspickstudiosetsycom. They are both super talented in different ways and I cannot say enough good things about them.

Speaker 1: 25:53

And last but not least, shout out to Persimmon Dental. Dr Lam Teresa, all of your staff, thank you for keeping my teeth white, straight, clean. Thank you for being gentle with me and just being such a loving family environment. If you're looking for a dentist, I highly recommend them. Persimmon Dental. They can be found in Persimmon Plaza in Dublin. Make sure to use the hashtag Elkivate if you decide to visit them, so that they know you heard about them through me. Visit them so that they know. You heard about them through me.

Speaker 1: 26:37

Last but not least, be sure to like, follow, share. It helps the algorithm. It helps me to continue to find subscribers and sponsors. Ladies and gents, if you have comments, questions, concerns feedback, stories you'd like to share with me, there is a text option in all of the platforms, via Apple, spotify, amazon Music, youtube, even through Buzzsprout. It gives you an option to text in your questions, your thoughts, and I would love to hear from you. I would love to help you.

Speaker 1: 27:21

I hope that this podcast proved helpful to my listeners out there. By the way, shout out to Lotus Tyler and I can't remember the other guy's name. Oh, my gosh, they were putting me in the know about Discord and how that is a new platform that the younger generation uses for gaming. It gives text capability. You can talk through this platform. It can be a gaming platform, but also group chats. You can video chat, audio chat, and so, yeah, it was really helpful to know that.

Speaker 1: 28:02

So thank you, lotus Tyler, and sorry, I can't remember your name. I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to look for you tomorrow so I can include you in the next one. I think that's it. I think I covered all my bases. You can look for the checklist link in my content Dating Red Flags Checklist Conscious Dating. And if you cannot find the link or you're not able to click on it, feel free to send me a message. I am happy to share this with you. Dating Red Flags Checklist Conscious Dating Super helpful, highly recommend you have it if you are in the dating pool out there, young or old. And that's it for tonight's Wisdom Wellness Wednesday. Thank you to all my loyal listeners, both from the beginning to my newer loyal listeners and followers. Be sure to like, follow, share, look for me on YouTube and that's it for now. Ciao, for now.