Healing First, Then Love: How Self-Work Shapes Who We Let In

Your heart deserves more than mixed signals. We dive into the real cost of ignoring “I’m not ready” and unpack how healing, attachment styles, and daily choices determine whether a relationship nourishes you or drains you. With a candid check-in on accountability and those “new leaves” we’re turning, we get practical about spotting avoidant patterns, handling hot-cold loops, and deciding when to stay, when to pause, and when to protect your peace.

We break down the avoidant cycle in plain language: closeness triggers alarms, distance restores control, and the pendulum keeps you hooked on hope. Then we zoom in on another trap—the charming, playful dynamic that dodges depth. Compliments feel great, but defensiveness shows up when you ask for substance. Instead of guessing games, we offer clear filters: watch consistency over time, measure effort ratios, and let actions—not apologies—carry the weight. If someone says they’re not ready and you are, that gap is the whole story. Choosing to proceed is a choice with known risks; choosing alignment is a vote for your future self.

We also share simple check-ins to ground your decisions: Does this feel good? Is this serving me? Is this how I want to live? Healthy love reduces confusion, makes tough talks possible, and keeps repair on the table. You won’t need to chase clarity or mother someone into maturity. Aim for partners who meet you with reciprocity, emotional presence, and follow-through that lasts longer than a week. And to our loyal community, thank you for the energy, the shoutouts, and the thoughtful feedback that keeps this space honest and brave.

If this conversation helps, tap follow, rate the show, and share it with a friend who needs a nudge toward healthier love. What’s one red flag you refuse to ignore now?

Transcript

Quick Poll On The Intro

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Oh, took a wow wow. What's up, party people? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of LQV Your Life. I am your hostess with the most SL as in the letter L and key as in the key to your heart. I want to start off by taking a little poll because recently I went out in mixed company with some old friends, and I was given what I guess you could consider to be constructive criticism. Um yeah, because there wasn't really any positive information in there. So I'm just going to go down the list and take a poll and ask you, do you think that my intro is too long? Feel free to give a thumbs up, a thumbs down, or add your comments in the place where you can leave commentary. If you're listening on YouTube, it gives you the option to thumbs up, thumbs down the episode, and or you can comment in the comments and offer feedback. And I tell all of you that I'm open to hearing what anybody has to say, good, bad, and different, because I'm looking to you, my audience, my loyal listeners. And yeah, so I'm just curious to find out what your thoughts or your opinions are. Do you think my intro is too long? Moving right along. So today we're going to be talking about yet again, a topic that is prevalent in my life. And I've been doing a lot of soul searching just to recap for those who have been loyal listeners and listening. I've told you all that for New Year's, I am committed to turning over some new leaves. Not a new leaf, but turning over some new leaves of holding myself accountable for my commitments and my actions and doing my best to follow through on those commitments that I make. Obviously, within reason. I mean, if I'm injured or unwell or something like that, then it comes down to is it worth the risk? Is the risk worth more than the reward? Um, so recently I have been doing some soul searching about myself, the inner child of my past, and just looking at myself, my triggers, things that I may need to heal. And during this process, it has opened a lot. It's opened my eyes to a lot of behaviors that I do or don't like. And I realized I can choose to allow myself to be in the company of these people, or I can choose whether or not I want to allow these behaviors, especially if they are unhealthy behaviors. And one of them being communication styles, personality styles. And interestingly enough, I've found myself being around avoidance, avoidance styles. And I learned something today by reading and listening to fellow authors, experts, people that talk about avoidance styles and why they do the things they do. And just wondering if any of you can relate to this or are aware of this. So it really comes down to relationships and what we're looking for in relationships, right? And we want to make sure that we connect with the right kind of person, obviously. Don't want to invest or spend time with the wrong kind of person, right? And so I was doing some soul searching myself for an incident that occurred, and I wanted to find out what is the best way to handle it. And what I ended up finding is there are a lot of people out there that may think they're ready for relationships or want to be in relationships, but have not healed themselves, have not done the inner work, have not looked at the inner child of the past, have not done the shadow work, have not spoken to a counselor or self-reflected. Um, and this could be for men or women, so please don't think I am biased, which is why I'm being cautious about how I speak. But let's face it, a lot of us are broken and have some healing to do, and hopefully we're willing to do the work so that when we do decide to be in a relationship, that we are in a healthy space. Now, I do believe there's always room for growth and improvement, and I talk about that a lot in my podcast. You loyal listeners would know that. But I do want to say that if somebody tells you, man or woman, I'm not ready to be in a relationship, and you yourself are, take heed to the words that they tell you. Because if they say they're not ready for a relationship and you are, and you may be choosing to put yourself in a precarious situation where you may be settling. Or you may be, yeah, if you're ready to be in a relationship and the other person is not, just take heed to the words that they share with you. So some of the realities that have come to fruition now that I've turned over these new leaves of committing to surrounding myself with healthy people and being aware of my words, my commitments, my responsibility in friendships and relationships. It just made me realize that if they say they're not ready for a relationship, if you expect that they're going to break your heart, just be open to the fact if they say they're not ready to be in a relationship and you are that you are making a conscious decision in that moment. Because it could mean that they are emotionally broken and that they haven't healed some old wounds. And I just want to encourage you to be aware of the red flags, the yellow flags, the orange flags, and be open to listening to your intuition and your instincts. And I want you to know that if you are in a relationship, a healthy relationship that's give and take, it should not be confusing. It should not be difficult to know what to say or how to handle the situation. It should be easy to be able to communicate with one another. Maybe easy is not the right word. You want to know that both people are open to having the conversation. And you want to know that when you have the conversation about wants and needs, that both people are committed to what they say they're going to do, right? There shouldn't be any confusion.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

That will be the difference between a good guy or a good girl. It's not normal if one day you sleep together and the next day they avoid you. For example.

Actions Over Words In Dating

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Or that you're getting mixed signals, if they reassure you their actions should follow their words. They should match their words, right? I'm talking to you about this, as I said, because I want to make sure all of you out there that are interested in having a relationship, investing in a relationship, whatever kind of relationship that might be, that you make sure that you are healed or you are working on yourself to become a healthy individual that can communicate your wants and needs, and that you find someone that is compatible in that way.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

And the reason I say this is I found myself in situations where, well, for example.

Boundaries, Ratios, And Shared Effort

Gratitude, Shoutouts, And CTA

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Or starts to decline because of the interactions with them, which are not consistent. Or let's say they're an avoidant, for example, and the avoidant attachment style is someone that well, you need to know the reason that they're an avoidant, right? It's usually because someone important let them down in their past, maybe when they were young. And so for them, it's hard for them to allow anyone to get close. When you do get close to the person, they might freak out, or become emotionally unavailable, um, or because it feels unfamiliar. If you really care and you put in all the effort, if it feels unfamiliar, then they don't trust it. And it's not that they're pulling away because they're not interested, it's because of their avoidant avoidant attachment style. And the avoidance emotions, they they go back and forth. They want to be close to you, but it's hard to deal with those emotions. So they avoid until they feel safe and then they come back again. The cycle usually continues. And this is typical of men or women that may need to do some inner work, right? Or if you fall for somebody that is emotionally childish, somebody very playful, flirty, blink brings a fun energy, and it feels good to be around them, obviously, because they're fun, right? They're playful. But then when things get serious, then you may start to see a different person. And the reason they call this childlike mentality is because, like a child, when something bad happens, they're never to blame.

SPEAKER_00 14:57

It's always someone else's fault, right? They become the victim. And these people, they don't take ownership of their part.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

They need help to find an excuse not to engage in this sort of thing. And especially if somebody needs emotional support, they don't have the capacity of giving it. And when you show emotions to them, especially if they're negative or constructive criticism, it's possible that you might get stonewalled. And then they tell you, oh my gosh, you're exaggerating about your feelings, and you know, nothing I ever do is the right thing. So the childish woman or man may seem very interested in you, may give you a lot of compliments, show you a lot of affection, but then you'll notice it's always on the surface, incapable of having deep conversations about feelings and emotions. Sometimes even other subjects will just make them feel uncomfortable. The interesting thing about this is these people give you this sense of they are so confident in themselves, right? Until you offer that constructive feedback that you try to offer, then they get defensive. So what's interesting about this is they tell you they're looking for a relationship, a girlfriend, a fiance, a wife. But in actuality, they might be looking for a mother or a nurse or someone that can heal their wounds. And notice I said girlfriend, fiance, or a wife, but it could be boyfriend, fiance, husband. It goes both ways.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

The point I'm trying to make is that if this person is really serious, don't look at their words, look at their actions.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

Because if they really want to work on their actions, then they will. So if they are aware of their issues and they say they have them and they're working on them, are they consistent with what you're looking for? These are the things you want to look for. And I want to encourage you to. So a lot of this I do speak from experience. And one of the commitments I made to myself, my family, my listeners, is I want to be better in every sense of the word. I want to be better. And what does that mean? It means I have to hold myself accountable for my actions and my part in these types of relationships. And I have to exercise my boundaries of does this feel good to me? Is this serving me? Is this helping me? And is this the way I want to live? And those are the questions I want to encourage you to ask yourself. Because at the end of the day, don't we all want to be happy? We don't just want to be content. We want to be happy. We want to be loved and admired and listened to and seen. And so what does that look like to you?

SPEAKER_00 21:13

Think about that.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

And think about your part in the scenario and the other person's part. And is it 50-50? 60-40, 70-30, 80-20, 90-10. You get the idea, right? A relationship takes work. But one person cannot do it alone. It has to be a joint effort. And if it isn't a joint effort, then is it really a relationship? And is it a healthy, happy relationship?

SPEAKER_00 21:50

Things that make you go, hmm.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

Well, thank you for tuning in to another episode of L KeeVate Your Life, Mindful Monday. I am your hostess with the Mostess. L is in the letter L key, as in the key to your heart. I want to give a shout out to all my loyal subscribers. Starting with Jeff Para, Jeff Para Namaste. Thank you for teaching me how to be grounded and how to protect my peace and what that looks like and what that entails. I appreciate your wisdom and advice always. Moving right along to Lisa Roberts Corbello. Hello, old friend. Appreciate you, love you. Hope to see you in the near future before the next event, which I mean, I guess the next holiday would be, I don't know, President's Day, Valentine's Day. Moving on to Roger Havens. Roger, how was the holiday weekend for you? By the way, happy Martin Luther King Day, everyone. I hope that you took some time to honor what this day is about and why, if you have the day off, why we have the day off. It was because he spoke out for our freedom and to make a difference in someone's life. And I'd like to think that that's what I'm doing here is an attempt to speak out and share some knowledge because knowledge is power. So moving right along to Roger. Roger, I hope that you are doing well. I hope that you are healing from your recent injury. I hope that you are spending time with the people that matter, the people that you love. And yes, getting healthier and stronger and cooking good things that you enjoy, cooking and baking. Moving right along to creative Cara. Kara LovemyArtist.etsi.com, but also she can be found on. Oh my gosh. Cara, you have to share with me and bear with me on this one. I might have to implement it in Wednesday's episode. Um I want to say, oh my gosh, I'm drawing a blank. So for now, I'm gonna advertise Kara Lamares.etsi.com, but but she does have another handle. It's through oh my gosh, something with a tree. Why can't I think of it? Uh help me out here, listeners.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

Hmm.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

Desperately trying to think of it and look for it at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Um my gosh, I cannot think of it.

SPEAKER_01 25:21

Uh, but it's a platform that we we all use. Uh something tree. Oh my gosh. Okay. Sorry, Kara. Sorry, everyone. The name has escaped me. Uh, it will come to me and I can talk about it on Wednesday, and I'm sure that she will comment and fill me in on where I dropped the ball on that one. Anyway, if you check out her pages, she can be found on Instagram, on various social media platforms. She's Uber talented. And yes, I oh my gosh, I think I may have found it. Link tree. There we go. She can be found on LinkTree. Uh, but you know what? I don't remember what her thing is, so I have to add it into my platform, which I will do starting Wednesday. So, Kara, give me a shout out, send me your Linktree so I can put it in my episode. So sorry for that. But she is super talented, as you all know. She does video montages for every occasion. She paints, she cooks, she bakes, she grooms. I mean, what what can this girl not do? I don't know. Anyway, so would love for you to follow her and take take a look at all of her talents. So, yes, please keep an eye out. I'm sure I'll have that link for Wednesday's episode. Moving right along to my other loyal subscribers, Angie Germer, Angie Germer of Thrive, Thrive Lavelle. Appreciate you, Angie. If you're looking for a way to fill the nutritional gaps, Thrive Lavelle, click on her link, Angie Germer of Thrive Lavelle. She can help you. Mike Kaufman, thank you for being a loyal subscriber. I appreciate you. Thank you for tuning in on this Mindful Monday. Thank you for listening. Please remember, if you did listen and you have any thoughts, ideas, opinions, suggestions, or you want to participate in the poll, please remember to like it, subscribe to me, leave your comments, and I appreciate it. Thank you for tuning in. Ciao for now.