Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Change Your Relationships

Ever feel like the same fight keeps happening no matter how you try to fix it? We go straight to the source—attachment styles—and unpack how secure, avoidant, anxious, and fearful patterns quietly steer every text, talk, and tough moment. With clear signs, real-world examples, and gentle humor, we map the behaviors that show up under stress and the small shifts that make connection safer and repair faster.

We start by grounding in what security looks like: open communication, honest self-reflection, and clean boundaries that protect both people. Then we contrast it with the polished charm of avoidance that turns into distance when emotions rise, and the anxious loop that chases reassurance at the cost of calm. For those who identify as fearful, we offer trauma-aware steps for building trust through micro-commitments, self-compassion, and reliable repair. Throughout, we share practical tools—scripts for hard talks, boundary phrasing that lowers defensiveness, and routines that keep intimacy from becoming an emergency.

You’ll also hear why labels are maps, not cages; how your style can shift with practice; and which habits help any couple move from reactivity to response ability. Think of your relationship like a garden: sunlight, water, pruning, and steady care. If you’ve ever wondered why conflict stalls or closeness feels risky, this guide gives you language, structure, and next steps you can use tonight.

If this resonates, tap follow, share with a friend who loves growth, and leave a quick review. Your feedback helps more listeners find the show—and helps us keep bringing you practical tools for wiser love.

Chapters

• 0:00 Playful Intro And Listener Poll
• 1:16 Why The Signature Intro Exists
• 2:34 Preview And Link To Past Topic
• 2:51 The Four Attachment Styles Overview
• 3:38 Secure Attachment Explained
• 4:52 Avoidant Attachment Traits And Origins
• 7:42 Brief Aside And Reset
• 8:16 Anxious Attachment Patterns
• 10:04 Fearful Attachment And High Anxiety
• 12:08 Testing, Boundaries, And Growth
• 14:00 Personal Reflection And Change
• 15:45 Applying Insights To Relationships
• 16:38 Community Shoutouts And Resources
• 20:50 Closing CTA And Platform Likes

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Oh, chicka wow wow. What's up, party people? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of L Kivate Your Life. I am your hostess with the most S. L is in the letter L. Key as in the key to your heart. Well, thank you for tuning in on this Wisdom Wellness Wednesday. So glad that you are here. Thank you for being a loyal listener if it's your first time. Thank you for listening. Thank you for tuning in. Thank you for joining us. If you are a loyal listener, or also to those that are new, just want to recap. Last week I asked you how you felt about my intro. What did you think about my intro? What do you think about it? Do you like it? Do you think it's a thumbs up, a thumbs down? I would love to hear your thoughts. I tried to take a poll last week. Some of you answered, some of you didn't. So just a friendly reminder. By the way, I do want to let you know that the whole reason the Bao Chika Wow Wow came to play is because I'm still in the early stages of funds for production and video and editing and all of that. And so, that being said, the Bao Chika Wow Wow was just one of those clever things that you would hear a lot back in the 70s in various types of shows, but it was basically just meant to be a fun little intro into saying my name and who I am. And so as sponsorship increases, subscribers increase, and more money is flowing in on the podcasts, then I will be able to change Balanchica Wow Wow to some sort of song. But I will tell you now, my frequent flyers, my elke Vaders out there, I always know when they listen to me because when I pass them in the halls or I bump into them in public, friend, colleague, family member, whatever, they'll throw out bound chick a wow wow, or they'll throw out L as in the letter L and key as in the key to your heart. So the feedback I've received has been positive thus far, but I'm always open to whatever you have to share. So my last episode, I talked about relationship styles and what to be on alert for, what to know about yourself, your partner, how you're being loved, um signs to look for, pay attention to, listen to, et cetera. So I thought, hmm, wisdom, wellness Wednesday, why not talk about the different attachment styles? Because I feel like it's relevant to Mindful Monday's episode. So typically there are four different types of attachment styles. If you don't know, you're about to. Four different attachment styles, secure attachment style, avoidant attachment style, anxious attachment, and fearful attachment. And as I go through, I will try to remember to indicate the percentage of people out there that have this and the things to look for. So just to give you an idea, the secure attachment style is known as one that's pretty secure within themselves and secure in others. And what do I mean by this? By the way, 50% of the people out there make up secure attachment style. So these are the people that love to communicate, are happy to communicate, happy to communicate their feelings, confident in talking about their feelings, uh, great at making friends with other people, not really too worried about like conflict or you know, talking about just communicating in general. They're pretty secure in themselves and in other people. And should they and their partner get into um a disagreement, they're happy to talk about their feelings. They're also happy to self-reflect and go, hmm, what is my part in this? Oh, well, I recognize I did this, and I'm sorry about that. Um, okay, moving on to you, the partner. So that is a secure attachment style. Next up, we have the avoidant. Well, I mean, it's kind of in the word, right? So the avoidant attachment style. Um, 25% of the population out there, this is an avoidant attachment style. And the way they see themselves, they're independent. I'm independent, I don't need anybody help anybody's help. I don't want anybody's help. I'm self-sufficient, I don't need you. Uh, but how their perspective is on others is I don't need you. I don't want you. I don't have to be in a relationship. Oh, you want to leave? Fine, bye. Because they have that sense of independence. So the thing to look for in avoidance is avoidance, they present themselves as the charming, the loving, the happy-go-lucky. They'll show up with the flowers, the candy, the jokes, the charm, the life of the party, all of that. Where the problem lies and the things to look out for, in addition to that, is when it comes to conflict. When you want to talk about conflict, when you want to sit down and have a conversation, they probably will avoid it. They don't have any desire to do this. Um, they will joke it away, laugh it off, deflect, blame you, anything to avoid the topic that you are discussing. And usually this happens with people that um may have had trauma in their life, they may have been cheated on, they may have been lied to, uh, suffered trauma, loss, cheating, lying. So people in their life has disappointed them in their inner child or you know, in their younger adult life. So these people they will avoid having a serious conversation about feelings and emotions because they just don't do well with that. They they just don't feel confident about they'd rather avoid it than talk about it. That's the simple explanation for it. Okay, moving right along. Sorry guys, I got kind of distracted. I was checking to make sure my earrings were still in, and lo and behold, I lost them along the way. So if you hear rustling in the microphone, no worries. Just me looking for my earring. Sorry about that. I call that a squirrel moment. Anyway, okay, so moving right along. So now we've discussed the avoidant attachment and the secure attachment. What's next? What's next would be the anxious, the anxious attachment style. Uh the anxious attachment style makes up about 20% of the population. So anxious. They're anxious about their self and anxious about others. So, oh my God, I hope they don't cheat on me. I hope they don't leave me. I hope they don't lie to me. So they in themselves are anxious, but also it causes a problem when they're in a relationship. No, please don't leave me. I'm so sorry. It was me. I know it was me. It's all my fault. Come back, even if it's not a good situation, they can't see that part. So they are anxious within themselves and anxious with others. Those are the kind of things to think about. Uh, by the way, the anxious attachment and the fearful attachment, just want to let you know. Um, those tend to run on the high anxiety, whereas the secure attachment and the avoidant, they're a little bit more low anxiety. So that is another clue for you to help you. So the fearful make up about 5% of the population. And the fearful, they're fearful of themselves and others. By the way, the anxious people just want to let you know, they are dependent. They can be very dependent on you as the partner, on others. They're dependent on you to make them feel more confident in themselves, to make them feel more confident in their relationship. And basically, they want reassurance that you're gonna stick around, that you're not gonna leave them. And these are usually the ones that also have suffered some kind of loss, trauma, abuse, abandonment, that sort of thing. So the fearful attachment, I mean it's kind of self-explanatory. They're high anxiety, they're fearful of themselves and fearful of others. They want to emotionally just avoid, you know, fearful of them themselves. Oh, you don't want to date me, I'm a mess, I'm no good, nobody wants me, everybody hates me. Guess I'll go eat worms. And then, oh my god, I can't, I I know I can't get involved with you because you'll probably cheat on me or lie to me or leave me because I'm no good, etc. So I wanted to speak on all of these because I think it's really important for us to know our attachment styles. And there's all kinds of tests out there that you can take that are available on YouTube. You can look them up. Uh, you just type in attachment style quiz um or boundaries or whatever. By the way, the secure attachment style, not only are they secure about themselves, but they have no problem discussing healthy boundaries on how to go about doing that. Now, what kind of person they attach, that's attached to or get with. Well, that's another story, but just wanted to give shed some light on these because I I feel like it's important in order for us to not only identify ourselves, but the person we're with, right? We want to make sure that we choose the right person, that their style matches our style. And mind you, these things can change throughout your life. You know, if you're in your younger years, this can change, you can evolve and grow. Somebody just said it best, be responsible, response able, right? So you are able to respond differently. You are able to look at yourself and be like, oh, I don't like that about myself. And I notice I'm this, and I want to work on that and read a book or listen to some audibles and figure out why am I like this. Uh, for me, I know a lot of these resonated with me along the way to the point where I asked my counselor, like, what am I now? I definitely used to be the fixer, um, which would be the anxious, where I wanted to fix people. And, you know, because of my anxious style, um, I wanted to try and fix this person and see the good in this person, and you know, be the fixer and the saver when in fact I needed to fix and save myself. So some really good food for thought. I hope that this will make you think about this. Maybe go and take the quiz, maybe reevaluate yourself and your partner and see if any of this is relatable or resonates with you. And maybe it brings you closer to your partner, or maybe you go, oh, this is why we butt heads whenever we try to have a you know, resolution of conflict. No wonder we can't have a resolution of conflict. I'm with an avoidant, or I'm with a fearful or an anxious or whatever. Knowing knowledge is power, right? So if we take all this information and don't get stuck on the labels and what I shared with you, I encourage you to go out there, take the test, talk to your counselor, do the inner work, the shadow work, whatever, and look at what you are and see how you can evolve and go into a healthier self, right? So that you can be in healthy relationships, not just having a healthy relationship with yourself, but with others, with your friends, with your family, with your colleagues, with your partner. You know, it's so important for us to have that, and identifying these things will only make us better, right? So, want to make sure I give a shout out to all my loyal subscribers. Kyle Few, I forgot about you last episode. Apologies, Kyle Few, commitment to love, love is a verb. I mean, need I say more. You can find it on Audible through Amazon, and all these things I'm talking about definitely come into play when you listen to his book about commitment to love and love is a verb. Way too much for me to expand on in a podcast. But think of it as a plant, and you are nourishing and nurturing that plant or a garden. It needs water, it needs sunlight, it needs love, it needs nourishment, all the things that we need to have a happy, healthy relationship, right? So thank you, Kyle. Moving right along. Creative Cara, gotta love my creative Cara. Um her linked tree can be found in my podcast description. Um Link Tree LovemyArtist.etsy.com. That's her Etsy page, but she kind of wants me to direct people to her Linktree. So if you are interested in anything where it's an unusual or unique gift, uh, a painting, uh, you want to know how to dog groom, you're interested in leather boots and a matching purse, good quality. If you are looking to do for somebody to do a video montage for an anniversary, a birthday, a wedding proposal, asking someone to be your maid of honor or your best man. Creative Kara. Check her out. Next up, we have Roger Havens. Roger, thank you so much for being a loyal listener and commenter. Same with Kara. I really appreciate your questions and your feedback. You didn't tell me about my intro, so I'd love to hear that if you want to participate in the poll. Uh Roger is a walking miracle, recovered from a stroke, went from not being able to walk, talk, do all these things, to now posting his workout videos and how he's getting strong and attending car shows and winning car shows and posting things about his beautiful garden and his eye for gardening, cooking, baking. So, shout out to Roger, Jeff Para, Namaste. I see that Sprinter Life is treating you well, as well as a new found. I don't know if I should say like, love, admirer, partner. But anyway, thank you for being a loyal subscriber, Namaste. Lisa Roberts Corvello. Thank you for being a loyal subscriber. I appreciate you. This woman is a business owner, uh, a girlfriend, a mom, a hustler. I mean, so many things. So shout out to Lisa Roberts Corvello. Thank you. Next up, we have Angie Germer of Thrive Lavelle. If you are looking to get healthy, Or fill the nutritional gaps with her all-natural supplements. Look up Angie Gerver, Thrive Lavelle. You can find her link in my podcast description. Angie Germer, thank you for being a loyal subscriber. Last but not least, Mike Kaufman. Mike Kaufman, thank you for being a loyal subscriber. I appreciate you listening and your commenting when you get around to it. I know you can't always get around to it and maybe you don't have the patience, but thanks for showing up for me. Thank you for being a loyal subscriber. Appreciate you. I think that's about it for tonight's episode. I want to thank you for tuning in. Thank you for joining. If any of this information resonated with you, please like, hit the thumbs up button, whatever platform you're listening to, YouTube, Amazon Music, Spotify, Apple, TikTok, Instagram, BuzzSprout, Podchaser, you name it, Deezer. I appreciate if you can like and then participate in the poll and share your comments. Did it resonate with you? Did you find it helpful? Did it help you get to a new place with your partner? I would love to know. And as all of you know, that I always ask when you like and you comment, it helps the algorithm, which in turn helps me. So thank you for tuning in. Thank you for listening. I appreciate you. And that's all I have for Wisdom Wellness Wednesday. Thank you for listening. Thank you for tuning in. Ciao for now.