Viva la Mami

111. Processing Grief After Extended Breastfeeding

• Jessica Cuevas • Season 4 • Episode 111

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In this intimate solo episode, we dive deep into the emotional journey of extended breastfeeding and the often-unspoken grief that comes with weaning. Whether you're currently nursing your toddler or processing the end of your breastfeeding journey, this episode creates space for the complex emotions that come with this significant transition.

For detailed show notes, visit vivalamami.com/episode111

In This Episode, You'll Hear:

  • My personal story of nursing two children for a combined 5 years
  • The three powerful benefits of extended breastfeeding
  • The unexpected gifts of weaning
  • Processing grief and honoring your journey

Resources Mentioned:

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Hola hola amiga. So my little one Mateo Weaned on his own two months ago, and it took me literally two months to process it. Just a couple days ago I bought my first non nursing bra and it has been five years since I've worn a regular bra like a non nursing bra like this because I was breastfeeding Diego My first and then I got pregnant and he self weaned at 22 months. And then six months later Mateo was born and now he's weaned two months ago. he was 18 months old. Well, there's a lot of content and information about initial breastfeeding and breastfeeding an infant, I am here to create space for the mamas that had to go through or are undergoing this grieving process of weaning their toddlers. And I'm here to celebrate you for breastfeeding them this long. So on this episode, I'm going to share my personal journey through extended breastfeeding and weaning. And discuss both the beautiful benefits of nursing beyond infancy and the unexpected gifts that come with weaning as well. But before we dive in, I want to remind you that in the show notes, there are two links. One, where you can suggest different topics, topics like these or any topic that you want me to talk about. And I also have another link. on proposing a guest, or if you know of a potential guest that could benefit in being on the show, feel free to share their information as well. I think that it's so important to share our stories and for people to share their expertise. And that way, Mama, your motherhood journey can be better informed. And that way you can create the best version of this wonderful And oftentimes chaotic journey of ours. And I also want to remind you to please rate and review the show it's so important for me to receive feedback and what you think of this show so that way people can find Viva La Mami and that way Latina moms Don't feel in isolation as it relates to their motherhood journey. So please, please, I almost beg you, don't forget to rate and review. If you are listening through Apple podcasts, otherwise you can also rate this show on Spotify and don't forget we're on YouTube. If you listen to us there, you can subscribe or like us and know that I'm here to build this community for you, for us, because it is needed. All right, so enough of this call to action. Now let's dive into the episode. Okay, so let's first talk about the incredible of extended breastfeeding that often go unmentioned in typical parenting discussions. So benefit number one. The emotional connection. When you're nursing a toddler, you're not just providing nutrition. You're creating a sacred space for connection. Unlike nursing an infant where it's kind of like you're doing it because you have to, toddlers can actually tell you how they feel about this special time. I remember when Diego would pat my face and say. mami. During our nursing sessions or when Mateo would kind of like Move his fingers around my chest and then my face and it would just be so cute Just like him caressing my face And so these moments became a touchstone of security in their increasingly independent world And so I believe that this is like my number one thing that I was able to do when breastfeeding toddlers. Benefit number two is that you are supporting their immune system. What many people don't realize is that your breast milk actually adapts as your child grows. when your toddler brings home every bug from daycare or preschool, your body responds to creating specific antibodies to help protect them. It's like having a customized medicine factory working around the clock. And In fact, I had two guests on the show who are lactation consultants y Latinas, and both of them share just like the benefits of breastfeeding, but also how our breast milk changes as our child grows. And so if you want to listen to the episodes with my guests, Cassie Reyes, and am going to link them in the show notes, and that way you can listen to them. And they provide evidence based information, so it's coming from a professional standpoint, and they definitely discuss just like the benefits overall of breastfeeding, but they also mention how breast milk changes and the benefits of that as your baby grows. Benefit number three is that you get to kind of create a reset button for your kid. And so having the ability to nurse an overwhelmed toddler is like having a superpower. Those moments when they're having a meltdown in the grocery store or struggling with big emotions, we all know that, nursing can help them regulate their emotions and feel safe again. So this is sort of similar to benefit number one where you're creating this emotional connection, but at least with this specific topic. You are. are kind of resetting their emotions. You're helping them regulate their emotions and make them feel safe again. It's such a great tool that goes beyond nutrition. And this is like another big benefit that you're helping them process their developing emotional world. When a lot of people say, ay, para que le das leche, ya no lo necesito. that they can drink milk. Like, it's not just that. And I remember receiving some kind of side comments about that. About you know, this is just too much. Or are you even happy in breastfeeding them? Like, do they really need it? And it's like, I mean, you This is, as they get older, breast milk becomes a supplement, not like as the main source of nutrition, but it's not about that. It's about this building connection and just like helping them regulate their emotions. You are literally their sacred space. And oftentimes people don't talk about that. At least within my circle, like, breastfeeding of a toddler was just not a thing. It's still really not a thing. And so I literally felt like in isolation in that process because, there wasn't, knowledge around the benefits of breastfeeding a toddler and that it's beyond like giving them milk. It's having that connection, you know, you're helping them build their immune system and you're also like helping them regulate their emotions and their development, right? And so this is something that I wanted to preface as part of the benefits of extended breastfeeding. And again, if you want to listen to more on the Evidence-based side information, listen to the two episodes that I have linked in the show notes. Or if you want a specific topic about extended breastfeeding that is coming from a professional or my story, or if you want to share your story, you can. Suggest a topic, or you can suggest a guest on the show by clicking on one of the links listed in the show notes. Alright, so now let's flip the script and talk about something that surprised me. The unexpected benefits of weaning. These are the silver linings that helped me process my own grief. And like I said, it took me two months, but now as I reflect on my journey and now that I have kind of like the bandwidth to really delve deep into my feelings and everything, I found that there are benefits. So I hope you take this as a silver lining as well. So the first benefit that really hit me like a wave of freedom was time. And suddenly I had time, y'all like seriously, time that I didn't even realize I was missing. I was able to go on longer outings without planning around nursing sessions. It was like discovering extra hours in my day that I could finally claim for myself. And let me tell y'all, Mateo, my Mateo, he never took the bottle. Like this kid was literally a nursing baby. I should have been a little bit more consistent with it. Like, yes, I introduced the bottle, he was fine, he was like a super newborn. But then, when I decided not to return back to work, I was like, why am I going to pump and then give him a bottle? Like, literally, he's in front of me, he's next to me. I'm just gonna like, plop my boob and just feed him. And through that, like, se acostumbró, right? So he was just. not having it with a bottle. There was a one time when we got invited to a wedding, Mateo was maybe three to four months old and my mom took care of them and when she was trying to feed Mateo, he like resisted. He was like, no. Like he was crying. Like this kid fasted while we were at the wedding and that freaked me out and so Since then like I didn't really go out as much I was just like timing things right as far as with when are his feeding sessions and all of that. And even as he got older where breastfeeding was more of a supplement, I still felt like I had to be with him every morning and every night when he would breastfeed like twice a day and even once a day too. And so now that he has weaned, I've been able to find extra time, which is wild because it's only like 15, 30 minute sessions, right? But these can make a difference. These window of opportunities really can make a difference. And so all of a sudden, like as soon as Mateo weaned, I was able to work out and find time to work out. So again, like these are just extra hours in your day that you can literally claim for yourself. And I think that is a big benefit in weaning. The second benefit is something I call Body Autonomy 2. 0. So after years of sharing my body to these kiddos, it felt kind of strange but empowering to reclaim it. So that first nursing bra I mentioned in the intro? Well, it wasn't just about the bra. It was about rediscovering myself as an individual and not just a source of comfort and nutrition. And so You know, take this process, like, yes, even if you are grieving or you're done with this grieving process, now that you're trying to see things from a different perspective, there is a really big benefit in terms of getting your body back. And I know that many people say that, like, oh, I get to have my body back after I breastfeed. And, but it's true, like, I have kind of struggled with losing weight, When both of my kids were born and even all the way until I weaned was when I noticed I was losing weight I'm like, wow, I'm starting to see changes. And this could also be because now I have time to work out, right? Isn't it funny how it's like, kind of full circle, but this is just telling that, you get to have your body back and you have that body autonomy and you can Um, so that's just another benefit that I wanted to share with y'all. The third benefit is the evolution of your relationship with your little ones. And so yes, there's grief in losing that nursing connection, but what grows in its place is beautiful too. Mateo and I found new ways to connect, whether if it was through reading, through play, through snuggles. Yes. Yes. That didn't involve nursing, right? And so our bond didn't weaken, it just transformed. And so this is just a reminder for you, like, even though you won't get to bond in a way that it's very intimate, really, because breastfeeding is an intimate experience with your baby, but there are other ways to bond as well. Your baby's not gonna hate you if you're the one who's deciding to wean and know that your baby's not gonna hate you because they decided to wean. It's just that as all transitions, as all new chapters of our lives, we have to undergo a grief process and I think that is important to do that, but also see it from the other side and know that your journey That this new phase of your life is new and you're doing something great about it, right? You're probably connecting with them more. I know for me, I feel like I'm more present. I feel like I'm not. Timed because for some reason whenever I would nurse, I always saw the time and I'm like, okay, how long is this gonna take? Right? Because especially as they get older, I mean it's not about the nutrition, it's about the comfort. And I kid you not, sometimes Mateo would be on my boot for like over 30 minutes. I'm like, kid, there's nothing in here. You just wanna suck. And so I was very like obsessed with time and how much time was spent. And now that. I am spending time with them. I feel like it's more qualitative. I think it's more of like a different experience with them. And so I'm just here to say, like, see it in So, um, the other side of things, right? Like there is a benefit in this evolution of your relationship. Know that this is a different phase. And again, you're bonded and weakened. It just transformed. But the one thing that I do want to mention here is grief. So let's talk about the grief. Okay. I think it's real and it deserves space. So when Mateo weaned, I found myself crying in the shower. Missing those quiet moments when the world seemed to pause. And so I miss just like being able to solve every problem with nursing. Like I miss being needed in that particular way. I miss Mateo making his sign language, Leche, as if he's squeezing a cow's Boob. And, when Mateo weaned, I was mostly impacted because I knew that he was going to be the last, right? Like he is our last baby. We're not having any more kids. We decided to just have two. So knowing that I'm never going to breastfeed again, unless something happens, who knows? I I'm done breastfeeding. It really impacted me. And it took me two months to really grieve and, not even mention it. I never shared it on social media until now, as I'm preparing for this, week's episode. And you know what? That is okay. It's okay to grieve the end of this chapter while celebrating the beginning of a new one. And it's okay to feel both relief and sadness. It's okay to miss it while also enjoying your newfound freedom. So I'm just here to say that Take your time. it's up to you, mama, whenever you're ready to feel back like yourself, to feel like you are in a good space. But it is really real that we all go through this grieving process, especially if we breastfed toddlers, because after a year, a lot of moms feel like they should stop But if you make the decision to breastfeed long term, you know, we get to bond with them in a different way. And once they're done, like it's a whole different process. And I feel like many people don't talk about that. It's more so like grieving the newborn phase. It's more so grieving pregnancy, and so I'm here to just give you that space that it is okay to grieve this breastfeeding experience, especially if you are weaning a toddler or a toddler has self weaned. So to all the mamas out there who are on this journey, whether you're still nursing your toddler or processing the end of your nursing relationship, I see you. your feelings are valid, your journey is beautiful, and you're not alone in this complex mix of emotions. Again, it took me two months to process this and I have honored both of my breastfeeding experiences in different ways. Remember, every nursing journey is unique and every weaning story is different. There's no right or wrong way to feel about it. What matters is acknowledging those feelings and giving yourself grace as you navigate this transition. For me, I know for sure that I have given space for both breastfeeding experiences. I have honored them separately and differently. And I grieved them differently as well. So if you haven't yet heard my story or read my story, I created a whole series of blog posts about my re lactation process with Diego. And I also mentioned this in a couple episodes. One of them is a solo episode, which is episode 77. And I mentioned my story with Ileana and Cassie, the lactation consultants that I had on the show. And so I really encourage you to read the blog post, which I'll link in the show notes and listen to the episodes if you'd like. So that you know where I'm coming from but I literally grieved my breastfeeding journey with Diego twice one when I stopped breastfeeding when he was about six weeks old and then I decided to re lactate and then I had to grieve again when, he weaned off. And so, now with Mateo, because he was like exclusively breastfed. Literally, this kid was on my boob, if you've seen those memes of, the chimpanzees feeding their babies, And they're just like literally attached to their boob and they're even biting them like yeah that that was me with Mateo like I kid you not and so I had this other completely different breastfeeding experience and I have grieved it differently I had processed it differently and so regardless of what it. Transition you're in. Every breastfeeding journey is unique and different and honor it differently and acknowledge it differently. Your feelings are gonna be different, but again, give yourself grace as you navigate these transitions. before we wrap up, I want to leave you with this. Extended breastfeeding and weaning are both acts of love, love for your child and love for yourself. Honor your journey. Celebrate your achievements and be gentle with yourself as you move through this transition. One of the things that I'm doing is not only am I Taking advantage of the time that I have for myself now that I'm done breastfeeding But I'm also celebrating and y'all like it's just so funny how this all worked out So in the fall, one of Alex's co work old co workers Invited us to their wedding and it's a destination wedding in Mexico and literally when I Read the invite I was like, yeah, we're not going and and Alex was like, well, why not and I was like, well because But they were still breastfeeding like how are we supposed to go and it's adults only and all of that and so Like part of me wanted to wean him, but I was like, you know what it's okay Like we don't have to go and here I am being the sacrificial mom. I know contrary to what I'm Always advocating here in this platform. But I kid you not like two weeks later, Mateo weaned off, like he self weaned. And so I took this as a sign and I told Alex, I was like, you know what, let's just go, let's go. And the wedding is on Valentine's day weekend. So we are excited when you're listening to this recording, I'm probably flying or I'm already in Mexico, but this is a way to celebrate me, my achievements, this breastfeeding journey but also this new chapter, this new phase of my life where I get to have my body back and I think that is okay to say that, you know, there's no guilt in saying that and I get to have a little bit of freedom, and I think that is awesome. So again, honor your journey, celebrate these achievements, and be gentle with yourself. Like, I cannot stress this enough. So I want to thank you for sharing this space with me today. If you're going through this journey right now, I'd love to hear your story. You can reach out to me on Instagram@vivalamami or you can set up a cafecito chat with me, which I'll link in the show notes. I know that it can be an isolating journey. So like if you're not receiving community from your own community about extended breastfeeding or you're afraid of weaning or what have you, any feels that you have, and if you do want to talk to with me. Like I'm here. All right. So I want to remind you again that you're doing an amazing job, mama. I know it's a lot of work, I know it's all the feels, but let's acknowledge this transition and know that we are awesome, our bodies are awesome, and it's just a transformative process right now and that is okay. Próxima y nos vemos in the next episode.