Heal with Grace

35. Top 3 personality characteristics keeping you sick

• Grace Secker • Episode 35

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In this episode of the Heal with Grace podcast, host Grace Secker delves into the top three personality traits that hinder individuals on their healing journeys: perfectionism, people-pleasing, and self-criticism. Grace explains how these traits can perpetuate chronic mind and body symptoms like anxiety, chronic pain, and illness. With personal anecdotes and practical advice, she encourages listeners to recognise these traits, embrace imperfection, set boundaries, and practice self-compassion to foster a more supportive environment for healing. Join Grace as she offers insights and actionable steps to guide you towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.



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Hey there, beautiful souls. Welcome back to another episode of the heal with grace podcast. I'm your host, Grace Secker, your friendly holistic therapist, yoga therapist and nervous system coach. If you're new here, welcome to the tribe. And if you're a returning listener, big hugs, you know, the drill, this is where we dive deep into the things, mind, body, and spirit.

And today I have a juicy topic for you that not a lot of people really understand, or even know that it. And the first time I learned about this, my mind was blown. I was like, Oh my gosh, that's me. It makes so much sense. So I'm excited to share this with you. what we're going to be talking about are the top three big personality traits that are common in people with chronic mind and body symptoms.

So whether that's anxiety, chronic pain, chronic illness, really things that are keeping you stuck in your healing journey. So I hope you enjoy. 


Okay, first up, let's talk about perfectionism. You know, that little voice in your head that says, if it's not perfect, it's not worth it.

Or maybe it's the voice that tells you, you've got to have it all together all the time. Well, spoiler alert, that voice is so not true like at all. a lot of times people don't even recognize that. That they're perfectionists in certain ways, because it's sneaky. It's basically a masquerade as a positive trait, right?

Who doesn't want to be the best? Especially our society primes us to always do the best, always be striving for more. And the thing is that perfectionism isn't about doing your best. It's about never being satisfied. With your best, it's a never ending cycle of chasing an impossible standard. And that constant chase is exhausting.

So I actually have an example of this. I, realize that I tend to. I can't even say it, but I can't even say I'm a perfectionist because there's still a little voice in my head that's like, yeah, but you don't do enough to be a perfectionist. I'm serious. Like that's a little bit there. It's like 5 percent because I know better and I've worked with it, but seriously, it's still there.

so I was in my therapist's office, like This is around 10 years ago. I was in grad school and she, I don't remember exactly the questions she was asking me, but she was obviously on to the idea that I'm really hard on myself and trying to get me to understand that I tend to be a perfectionist and. I remember sitting there and I was like, no, I don't think I am because I, I always miss the mark.

Like I can never get there, you know, like in school I would never could get the honor roll. And I was always like average with everything that I did in school. And, you know, I'd get like an 89, not a 90 or something like that. And side note, I mean, I had really difficult learning disabilities that I got help with, but I didn't really understand.

And even then, even right now, I'm trying to justify it. Long story short, I said that I was like, I don't think I don't think that I am because I can never get, you know, I'm just always right below the perfect mark or like the, the high honor roll or whatever it is. And I looked up and she looked at me and it kind of sunk in.

I was like, Oh, I just heard what I said. I just heard what I said.that is a perfectionist, right? Like you'd never actually feel like you're doing enough, no matter what you do, no matter how much you do. And that's truly how I feel like I've never ever doing enough. There's always more. And so it doesn't actually look like what your outcome is.

It's that feeling of that constant chase of never being satisfied. And some people might say again, that it's a positive because it can get these crazy, successful people and CEOs and, you know, get them to where they are. I guarantee you, they still don't see what they've done as enough. So it's kind of like trying to reach the end of a rainbow.

You can see it, but you'll never actually get there. And while you're busy running after it, life, the messy, beautiful, imperfect life is passing you by. But here's the kicker. Perfectionism can keep you stuck in healing because it convinces you that unless you're perfectly healed, you haven't healed at all.

And that, my friend, is a trap. Healing isn't linear. It's a journey with twists, turns, and setbacks. And we have to embrace the process, flaws, and all. I see this over and over again with the people I work with, and myself included, where they're trying so hard to apply all the healing principles and tools and skills to regulate their nervous system, to calm the anxiety, to get rid of the pain.

And they're doing it with this sense of rigidness because they want to be perfect at healing principles and when it doesn't go according to plan or how, how they want it to go, meaning they're not seeing progress every single day, then they feel like a failure, but that's when we're turning healing. on its head.

We're, we're making healing our perfectionistic strive, our journey. When actually we don't want to be perfect one, cause it's not possible. We're human and we can't be, to healing. We'll never be perfect because there's always going to be ups and downs. So next time that you find yourself slipping into this perfectionistic mode, the, the motive, I can never do it right.

I keep trying. It doesn't work. You know, I was good one day. I wasn't good the next day. What's wrong? I'm a failure. I want you to ask yourself like what would good enough look like and then here's the magic Let it be enough. That might be a hard question for some of you to answer. What would good enough be like?

because You might have this picture of perfect where nothing goes wrong, but I want you to see it in terms of someone else. See everything that you're doing and see if you can, if a friend was doing everything that you're doing, how would you see that? Really try to separate yourself. Maybe you think of a situation with a friend or someone, you know, and you know what they're doing and you probably see them look at them and think, wow, you know, they're doing all of this and I guarantee you, they might be thinking it's not enough.

Right. So in a way it's kind of subjective, but it needs to be enough for you. And enough is so like, what is that? Right. What is enough? If you're trying, if you're learning and you're working on it in and out on your life, on your mental, your physical health, that is enough. But it's not going to look perfect.

You're not going to be perfect at it. Every single day, you're going to go into it. You're going to practice your skills. You're going to learn how to say no. You're going to stop people pleasing. You're going to work on being hard on yourself and some days. You're going to feel pretty good at it. And some days you're going to feel like crap and that's okay.

And that's normal. So we got to take out this perfectionism now got to work on it. Okay.

All right. So number two, the number two characteristic that are common in people with chronic pain, chronic illness, anxiety. Are people pleasing? Oh, people pleasing the art of saying yes, right? When you really want to scream no, sometimes you're not aware that you want to say no, because you've been so primed and conditioned to say yes all the time.

But there's usually a part of you underneath the surface that needs to say no, but you're not. So basically if perfectionism is the overachiever, People pleasing is the peacekeeper, but here's the thing, peace at the expense of your own well being isn't peace at all.

People pleasing is a defense mechanism, often rooted in a fear of rejection or abandonment. It's the belief that if you just keep everyone else happy, you'll be safe, accepted, and loved. But the reality is that you're trading your own needs for others, and that's a recipe for burnout and resentment. and repressed emotion, which leads to things like chronic pain and chronic illness.

So this also, if you've, if you remember from a previous episode, we've talked about the FON response. This is the, the FON response is an extreme version where we constantly people pleasing to keep the peace so that we don't get hurt. We don't get stuck in trauma. this happens when someone's been in a family of neglect or abuse, and all you want to do is just keep the peace in the household.

So you just do whatever you can for everyone else, for the energy of the home to keep it, you know, peaceful. You know, stable, if you will, that's a more of that fond response. And so here's the thing. I'm not saying that, you know, you can't be empathetic and take care of other people's emotions and be compassionate.

That's all wonderful and actually very much so needed. I think that we all need a little bit more empathy towards each other, but empathy towards each other is different than people pleasing and saying yes, just to appease someone and to keep the peace and then totally dismissing your needs. Right? So you're allowed to have boundaries.

You're allowed to put yourself first. It's not selfish. Right. It is so not selfish to put yourself first when it's needed. And let's be real. How can you truly help or be there for others if your own cup is empty? So saying no in small, safe situations is a great place to start. They might feel uncomfortable at first, but remember, discomfort is just a sign of growth.

The more you honor your own needs, the more you'll be able to show up authentically for others. So this might look like, you know, saying no to that extra task that someone asked you to do at work or saying no to plans that friends are inviting you to, even though they feel really fun, but they sound really fun.

and you want to make sure that you're included, but if your body is saying, I'm tired, I'm burnout, I need rest. You've got to listen to that. And saying no is not going to hurt your relationship. If those relationships are healthy and right. So if someone can't understand or respect your boundaries of saying no and backing out of something, are they really respecting you?

I see this time and time again. And I talk to clients about this all the time where they're so afraid of upsetting someone or backing out on plans or being flaky. And here's the thing. I mean, when you're healing, You probably do need a lot more time to yourself than you realize. Now we need a balance for sure.

We need time to ourselves and time with others, but it's really important to recognize and own that time for ourselves and really know and trust that the people that are meant to be in our lives will be there and understand, even if they don't get it. You know, there's plenty of people that don't get it.

Don't understand what's going on, especially if you're dealing with things like chronic pain or illness, but can they just at least empathize or hold that space for you to back out or take some time? So again, ask yourself, where can you take a step and choose you and say no to things before you automatically take on and say yes?

The more that you can do this, the more you're honoring your own needs, which means you're building a stronger relationship with yourself, with your internal state, with your soul, your heart. And when you can build that relationship, you have more security within yourself, which actually helps your nervous system soothe and calm.

And when you can have that relationship with yourself, we can take on so many more things because we feel more stable in our minds and our bodies. All right. I hope that helps. The next, the third one, is kind of this trio of worry, self criticism, and anxiety. Really, it's this self critical part.

This is the toxic trio, if you will. These three are like the bad group of friends who drag you down and make you feel like crap. But you still hang out with them because, well, they've been around forever. So, let's break it down. Worry is like Basically like paying interest on a debt you don't even owe.

It's spending today's energy on tomorrow's problems. Self criticism, it's the internal bully. That horrible bully who always knows just where to hit you. Right? Self criticism is the place that keeps you stuck. The place that shames you and guilts you. Anxiety is that constant hum in the background that keeps you on edge, never letting you fully relax.

All right, now you may be thinking, all right, what does my inner critic have to do with my body's health? Well, as it turns out, quite a lot. We've all been here, right? The moment when we make a mistake and suddenly our inner dialogue turns into a full on rose session. How could you be so stupid? You're never going to get it right.

Sound familiar? That's self criticism in action. And it's more than just a mental habit. It's something that can seriously affect our physical health. Here's the thing. When we constantly criticize ourselves, we're putting our bodies in a state of stress, chronic stress. So we're always in that fight or flight.

It's like we're always on high alert, waiting for the next thing to go wrong. And this stress isn't just in our heads. It triggers real physiological responses. Your body starts pumping out stress hormones like cortisol, which over time can wreak havoc on your immune system, your digestion, and even your heart.

And chronic stress from self criticism can lead to inflammation in the body. And we know that inflammation is at the root of many chronic illnesses. So conditions like chronic fatigue, autoimmune disorders, and even heart disease can be aggravated by the constant pressure we put on ourselves. So I want you to think about this for a moment.

If a friend came to you and said they were feeling overwhelmed, would you tell them they're not good enough? Of course you wouldn't. And I realize it's cliche, you know, roll your eyes. what would you tell a friend? But y'all it is so true. Go back and listen to my episode on self compassion because we talk about this a lot.

You'd offer them support kindness and maybe even a hug, right? But how often do we offer that same kindness to ourselves? When we let self criticism run the show, we're not giving our bodies or minds the chance to heal. So what we're actually doing is making it harder for our systems to function optimally.

So what do you do about it? It starts with awareness. The next time you catch yourself being harsh or critical, and that's really what I want you to do is become way more aware of the types of language that The type of language and the thoughts, the emotions that you criticize yourself with. Is it this constant fear that you're never doing enough?

Is it the criticism that you messed up? You're a failure. How could you do that? You're never going to get it right. You know, what are the, what's the language, what are you telling yourself? Become more and more aware of it because with awareness becomes comes power, then you can actually do something with it.

So when you notice it, I want you to pause, take a deep breath

and ask yourself, is this helping or harming me?

And then try to shift that dialogue, offer yourself some grace, a little understanding, just as you would to someone you care about. It might feel weird or awkward at first, It probably will, if you change your, your thoughts and your phrases from. I'm never good enough to I am good enough. That's a hard, you know, 180.

We're not going to believe it right off the bat, but that's okay. Maybe you just start with, okay, I'm trying, you know, put a hand over your heart and just tell yourself, I'm here. I'm trying. And really take a look at the big picture. What all have you done? Where are you? Where's your heart? Where's some compassion and empathy for yourself?

Remember that the way that we talk to ourselves matters. It's not just about feeling better in the moment. It's about creating an environment within us that supports healing rather than one that keeps us stuck in a cycle of stress and illness. So the next time your inner critic pipes up, challenge it, replace those harsh words with compassion.

Your body and your mind will thank you.

A couple of things to remember here. The trick is not to let them run the show. It's okay. When they pop up the self critical thoughts, the worry, the anxiety, it's okay. Just acknowledge their presence without letting them drive your decisions.

Okay, so there you have it, the big three personality traits that might be keeping you stuck in your healing journey. If this is you, just see this as a place of curiosity. See this as knowledge. Keep learning about yourself. Learning instead of criticizing, right? Be curious. Healing isn't about being perfect.

This episode is really just to give you some food for thought and maybe even a little nudge to be kinder to yourself. It's about being real, being human and learning to love yourself along the way. If you enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving a review, sharing it with a friend or just giving me a virtual high five.

I love hearing from you. So drop me a message or connect with me on social media. And until next time, take a deep breath, give yourself some grace and keep healing one step at a time. You've got this.