Heal with Grace

49. 3 simple steps to be your best self with Isabelle Tierney

• Grace Secker / Isabelle Tierney • Episode 49

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In this episode, Isabelle returns to dive deeper into the 'Feel Good Life' methodology. She shares her personal journey from a trauma-filled childhood and eating disorders to becoming a licensed therapist and developing a groundbreaking approach to nervous system regulation. Isabelle discusses how exhaustion and burnout led to a pivotal transformation and the creation of a methodology that quickly helps manage stress responses. The three-step process—awareness, stopping, slowing down with breathing, and practicing feel-good habits—is explored in detail, showcasing its application even in extreme situations like jail. The conversation highlights the power of shifting from red zone (stress) to green zone (thriving) and emphasises self-compassion, awareness, and the importance of persevering no matter what life throws at you. The episode ends with practical tips and resources for listeners to implement the methodology in their own lives.

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[00:00:00] Grace: Isabel, thank you so much for coming back. This is going to be a wonderful episode. We already had 1, which I will link below really explaining and understanding the science and methodology behind the feel good life. but this is going to be an extension of that, and I'm so excited to have you on here.

So if no one listened to if you have not listened to the previous 

[00:00:22] Isabelle: episode, which 

[00:00:27] Grace: can happen, that was not supposed to come out. Okay, if you have not listened to the previous episode, please do and also Isabel, will you please give us a little bit of a preview of how did you get to be where you are today?

[00:00:45] Isabelle: So, I like many of us grew up in a household that was a trauma filled and the way that I managed the trauma when I moved to the States and went to an all girl boarding school at 14 was to develop an eating disorder. And, it was the perfect, the perfect tool to help me not have to feel my trauma, you know, that would temporarily regulate my nervous system and make me feel good temporarily.

And I first started with anorexia and then switched over to bulimia. And then it's something that just, I really lived with for almost 20 years of my life, and it was, You know, I don't want to sound spiritually bypass. He mean, like, oh, it was such a good, it was such a good thing because of my eating disorder because of the way my trauma showed up in such obvious ways.

I ended up having to do work on healing it. And I know that that's 1 of the things that that's why I'm deeply spiritual. That's why I became a licensed therapist, you know, all that. And then, I moved to Boulder in 2003 from Boston, where I had. You know, what had been there for about 20 years and, built a really, really fast private practice.

And then within a few years, completely burnt out was diagnosed with adrenal exhaustion after a long time, which I know a lot of your listeners struggle with. It's like, I think it's getting better that doctors know how to diagnose with things like that. But oh, my God, my doctor was like, you're fine. Just just take more notes, you know, like, I mean, it literally ended up having to go to an alternative doctor to get that diagnosed.

And then I remember telling my brother, who's a psychiatrist, what my numbers were. And he's like, I don't even know how you get up in the morning. And it's like, right. I'd never I didn't understand. Like why I felt so much like crap all the time. And so at this around the same time, Brian and I divorced my, my husband and I divorced because, partly because I was so burnt out, partly because I gave so much to everyone, including my children.

I was a really good mom. That was something I was really committed to and to all my clients. And Brian was last on the list. And of course there were other reasons, but my burnout was definitely a big piece of why we, we broke up. So I had to really ask myself, what, what do I want out of my life? Like, this is not working.

And I know you and I've talked about this before where a lot of the women that we work with, they are so fabulous and they're so committed to creating. Beautiful lives for everybody else and to serve and for some of us is to create impact, but we completely forget ourselves. And so the cost unto ourselves for me was adrenal exhaustion and divorce.

And for others, I know you, you have a lot of that too for your women. And so this methodology I did, I researched and curated. Not only what I knew from my private practice in my own personal exploration, but also what I learned from other modalities and created this methodology that literally teaches us to regulate our nervous system in seconds.

Right. So it's like, it's in seconds. You can realize if you're in the stress response and get out of it. And the work also helps you in the long run. Like, the more you practice those work, the more you become someone's whose nervous system is regulated. So that you actually end up living a life where you really are thriving.

You know, that work word is so overused, but this work really actually does, create a life where you're thriving. And, but it's a, no matter what, right. It's not like, Oh, this is this foofy thing where I'm escaping life. It's like, no, people use this work in divorce. I had just had somebody use it when they went to jail and tell me how much it helps.

So it's like the, no matter what is a really important piece that I talk about that I know, you know, about. Yeah, that was a lot. So let me pause and I think, and I'll give it over to you now. 

[00:04:46] Grace: Well, and so I want, I do want to note that, you know, you, you really created this out of a time of. Physical exhaustion, mental exhaustion, emotional exhaustion.

Right? Exhaustion and I mean, oftentimes kind of, like you said, with the eating disorder. Yeah, it was probably incredibly hard work at the same time. Something had to give, right? You had to create something you had to do something about where you work and that's how this came out of it. And I. Known you for, I don't know how long 6 years now, something like that.

Yeah, and I've even seen this methodology go through iterations from that. Right. And so, and this, no matter what piece has become really important. Actually, I think it's always been important. Right. Obviously, but, I know for me, it is the, it is the constant reminder. I need to always come back to that.

So let's talk 

[00:05:44] Isabelle: more about what that means. What is that? It's interesting because I'm actually writing finally the book for it, which is really exciting. I have driven myself and everybody around me completely insane because I'm trying to find the perfect title. And unfortunately chat GPT exists now. And so chat GPT will stay in connection with you and give you as many titles as you want.

And so the gift and the curse of this methodology is that it literally works anybody. With any circumstances. So I just did a podcast. I think, you know, this was Jack Canfield and he actually said, this work works in any situation with anybody. I was like, wow, even Jack Canfield sees that, which I thought was really cool.

It's made the marketing of it be impossible because it's like, well, it works for, it works for any population at any age, at any level of, of emotional and spiritual development. So, but the thing that really makes it stand out. stand out is the no matter what, what I've seen now over the years of teaching it is the, the ones that really touched me the most because I'm a therapist is that people have gone, like I said, they've gone through divorce.

They've gone through cancer, they go through parenting special needs children. As I said, somebody was just in jail and used it because it's easy ish to be okay when life is okay. Right? I mean, and I think there's a lot out there that teaches us there's some great teachings out there when life is okay.

But the https: otter. ai

And this is really the truth of life. I think that when we grow up, we think life is going to be magical. And then we find out that life is actually really hard. And we get a chance to either constantly be reacting to life's hardships, or we get a chance to say, Oh, this keeps happening. You know, life is hard.

Do I want to thrive in spite of life being hard, or do I want to be a victim to life being hard? And so the, no matter what, I mean, I've just, it's, it's been proven now case study after case study after case study that that's the thing that stands out the most about this work is, and, you know, I literally somebody just wrote a post on Facebook.

She said she had the hardest this was last night. She had the hardest week of her life. For people that she loves had emergency things happen to them. And she said, because of the methodology, she was able to stay calm and grounded and actually not go into reactive stressed out mode, which she says she would have never been able to do that before.

[00:08:23] Grace: Yeah. Can you give an example of maybe the person in jail? Can you give that example? Yeah, that just happened. 

[00:08:31] Isabelle: And I don't know what it is. You know, I have a hard time. I think many of us who want to create who want to serve. I have a hard time taking in the impact that this work makes. It's like, I hear it.

And then something in me dismisses it. You know, it's like, I, I still feels like it's bragging, you know, like, something like that. And so, but it's a pain in the butt because then I don't actually brag enough to actually people understand the seriousness of how well this works. Right? So I actually, I hide that.

So, I have a client who's 30 years old and she's been struggling with alcohol addiction for about 7 years and it's become probably 1 of the most serious addictions I've ever seen. So she's at the point where she breaks bones. She just, she just broke her jaw. So she needed her jaw wired shots. She destroys things.

I mean, it's. It's it's it's it's slow suicide, right? And she started working with me, about 2 months ago, a month or 2 months ago, and I started teaching her the methodology and she ended up having to go to jail. It's a holding cell because she's been accused of something at her workplace and that's a felony.

And so, They arrest her, they put her in jail. She does not know how long she's going to be there and she's starting to freak out. Right? She had already been there for DUI. Again, this woman, this young woman is really serious and she just was about to lose it and she called me as she went out and she said, Isabel, had it not been for the methodology, I would have lost it and she would have lost it with the cops.

And then, so, and even if she had managed not to, to, to be, she would have been dysregulated, but not to discharge at the cops. She would have left that jail and she would have drunk. And at this point, she's so close to killing herself when she drinks. It's like, it's unbelievably serious, right? It's just getting more and more serious.

And I said to her, well, what did you do when you got out? She said, well, I called you because this was the next day. I talked to her. She said, I called you. I called my mom. And then she said, and then I got myself some mood on noodles and I watched my favorite movie, which is a romantic comedy. And I, I hung up that phone and I just started crying and I was like, that is how, when you learn 1st of all, she would track.

I'm starting to lose it. Right? I'm starting to spin out, which is the 1st part of the work, the awareness and we can slow that down. And then she would practice the 3 steps. We hold on. I'm going to stop. I'm going to breathe. And I'm just going to, like, come back into the present that I'm okay in this very moment.

Right? That was the only tool she could use. She couldn't come up with a pretty story and she did that, like, 6 times over the 3 hours. She was that was there. And so, for me, it's not only that she regulated herself in these dire, dire circumstances, but that after that. It was really proved that her nervous system was that regulated that she watched her favorite movie.

Like what if I go into jail for three hours, I don't know what the heck I would have done when I got out, you know, like, it freaks me out the thought, like I'm claustrophobic. And I think maybe that's one of the reasons that story stands out so much to me is like, like, I, I don't know how I would have been in that situation.

[00:11:43] Grace: Let's bring it back to that 1st step when you're talking about the 3 steps of the nervous system, or well, of the methodology, right? describe the 3, 

[00:11:52] Isabelle: 3 steps 1st and then so we'll back up even more. So, the methodology is based on this formula that somebody shared with me a few years ago that I just love.

It's awareness plus action equals transformation. All right, so often as therapists, we know this. We're really, really, really good at helping people become aware. They become aware of their childhood pattern, but what's often missing. At least what I had seen was the action piece. So what do you do now? But you're aware and then sometimes coaches can be just about action and not awareness.

So I love combining the 2. so awareness. Is you first have to learn how to recognize when you're heading into the stress response or nervous system dysregulation before you have to know if you're heading there, or you're dysregulated all the way, because that's how you're going to know. Oh, I need to do something about it.

So the 1st step uses a scale of. That's called the feel good scale, and that uses three zones, red, yellow, green zone, and the green zone is when your nervous system is balanced and you feel connected and you feel spacious and you can feel joyous and your capacity for intimacy is there, you're kind, everything we want lives in that green zone.

The red zone is when you are completely dysregulated and your system thinks that you are in danger. You go into fight, flight or freeze, you get stuck there and in the red zone, a, you can't think straight because the frontal part of your brain is shut down the part that makes you think rationally. So you literally can't think straight and you can only be impulsive.

There's no capacity for rational choice, and you can only see the world from a distorted way. You can only see the world or yourself as the enemy because you're wired to look for what's wrong because your, your body thinks you're in danger. So, when you think about that, I can only see the world of myself as wrong.

I am completely impulsive. I can't think straight. This is when everything that our worst selves. Show up in the red zone. And so what I love about this work and what I love about the way that I hear is that I grew up with shame. So shame was the, the instrument of choice that my caregiver used to try to change me.

And so I have this really deep passion that everything that I teach not be shame based, but like understanding like, why do I become such a poop head? Why do I yell at my husband when I don't want to? Why do I eat the things that I told myself this morning? I wasn't going to eat like right all day long.

We commit in the morning to being good human beings, to be the best version of ourselves, and then we don't understand why we become the opposite. So learning to recognize like, Oh, I'm starting to get anxious. Oh, I'm wanting to go and eat that all that ice cream. Oh, I'm like starting to think negative thoughts about my partner.

The sooner you catch yourself and you starting to notice your nervous system is becoming dysregulated, the sooner you can change it. Right and so once you recognize it, I teach a list of signals to help you recognize it. Then you do the 3 steps. The 1st, 1 is stop. Right? So think traffic lights stop. Do not believe anything.

You think feel or want to do in the red zone and the stress response? Because as I explained, you're seeing the world in a distorted way. And you can't think straight. So, you know, like, what are the thoughts that come up for you? I don't know. I'm going to throw you under the bus here. Like, what are some of your red zone thoughts that you're like, you are like now, like, oh, I know that's a red zone thought.

I'm not going to believe it. Like, you're willing to share. 

[00:15:30] Grace: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm very shame based too. So usually it's what am I doing wrong? Why can't I get over this? Or, you know, why Why do I keep feeling this way? why am I still in pain? The why questions that are very shame based. Why questions not curious, right?

It's a, 

[00:15:47] Isabelle: it's a, yeah, right. Yeah, right. Yeah. And, and, you know, at the core of that, there's something wrong with me, right? Or there's something wrong with the other, like when I'm in the red zone, Brian doesn't stand a chance with me. It's like. The way that I see him is just and it doesn't mean it's not true.

Some of the ways that I see myself for him in the red zone is just so amplified and exaggerated and doesn't actually allow for a balance of like, yeah, right. He was not very kind when he just spoke to me like that. But in the red zone, he's never kind. He's always, you know, he's always this and he's never that.

That's one of the big signals. And I love to think of the red zone as the great fault finder. Right. So, in the red zone, if you start noticing you're finding fault with yourself or others, that's one of your greatest signals to let you know, you're in the red zone. So, that 1st step the stop is about reminding yourself that your brain is distorted it's thinking and it's emotions and it's impulses are exaggerated and not correct.

Good. Nothing good. Unless you're faced with a bear, a real danger will ever come from your taking action from the red zone. So stop is this crucial step and we can talk about it depending on what your audience wants about neural pathways. All right. So we'll, we'll pin that for now and what actually happens in that first step.

The second step is, yeah, go ahead. 

[00:17:14] Grace: Can I actually, I want to, I want to highlight something you said, because I think it's really important that distinction between the example of he's always that way. I'm always this way. Right. The all or nothing. That's a big one for my, for people listening because, we tend to get really stuck and the all or nothing and the rigidity and, the perfectionism of our thoughts.

And that's also what I recognize too, when I first, I don't know, maybe in the first couple of years of working with you, that's what I recognize about my ex husband. Yeah. Every time I was in the red zone. Oh, he was horrible. He did everything wrong. And yes, more often than not, I, you know, am shame based on myself and I never doing anything right.

But yeah, in relationship and the red zone, he could never do anything right. And that's so important because when we're in that state of mind and that feeling state of our body, that like rigid control, it feels hopeless. If there's that all or nothing, so I think that's just such a such a big awareness piece for so many people, because that's where we get so stuck 

[00:18:20] Isabelle: and it feels so real.

That's why that's so like, you are convinced that you are right. Now, I want to put the science of the why we're like that and then go deeper into that. So, it's called the negativity bias and it comes from hundreds of thousands of years ago when we were cave people and where there was actual constant danger from predators from other tribes from starvation, like all the things our limbic brain has not updated itself.

It's, it's, you know, we call it an evolutionary glitch. It's like, we're still living as though we have that kind of danger. And so literally a part of our brain, especially if we've experienced trauma when. At some point in our life is why it for what's called the negativity bias to look for what's wrong.

Because if you're a person and you go out. And you almost get killed by a mountain lion or bear or whatever the 1st time you walk out the next time you're going to go out, you're going to be so hyper vigilant. For any signals like the leaves rustling shadows, you know, the tiniest of sounds. The problem is this is the same thing that happens to us now.

It's like we are hyper vigilant. Did he look at me funny? Oh, you see, he said it and then suddenly. It's like we get this deluge of information that what's called the implicit memory has retained to prove. Yes, it is a bear. Yes, you have to run away. You have to fight, flight or freeze from it. And, but it's just our husband or children or coworker, whatever it is, that's just was not kind in that moment.

So the, the, the, the, this deluge of proof. That what we're thinking is right is actually trying to save our lives. And so to say, stop, like, I'm not in danger right now. And what I'm thinking, feeling, and the way I'm seeing is distorted is just crucial. It's just crucial to do I mean, yeah, from that place. We destroy something.

It's not truth. It's not, it's not truth. It's like, it's like a sliver of truth that then gets exaggerated and amplified. 

[00:20:33] Grace: Yes. Yes. 

[00:20:35] Isabelle: Okay. Okay. 

[00:20:37] Grace: So in that place, when we can be aware and we can stop and really work on that, not acting from that's such a huge piece. Right. 

[00:20:47] Isabelle: Okay, then what? So, so one of my face study stories that I sometimes tell is that in college, I was a disaster, you know, meaning my mental health.

Let me say separately differently. My mentor. I mean, I, first of all, had this raging eating disorders, which nobody knew about. Nobody knew about it. I was on the outside. Like, I had a lot of friends. I did really well in school. All I did in my time off is I would sit in front of soap operas at that point.

They were so poppers that you had to watch through commercial. I would sit in front of the TV for 3 hours from 1 to 4 PM and eat and binge on soap operas. And you know, do my eating disorder. I don't want to say too much about it. And, and I was just, I hated myself. I hated myself. And I was called Bella.

And that's what all my college friends call me. And, I now know that nobody saw me the way I saw myself, but I know how much I hated myself. And I always thought nobody loved me. me. So when I see my college friends now, and it's like, I become that version of myself again, you know, just like we go back to our family systems and we can become that version of ourselves and I start tracking for not being liked.

So I become hyper vigilant. Well, you see, he asked me how I was, but within two seconds, he went away and started talking to somebody else. Like I am looking for proof that nobody wants to be with me. And so I can't tell you how much this work has helped me because it feels so real. No, no, no. He only stayed with me for 30 seconds and then he looked bored and then he went to talk to our other friend and I have to just, and then he become depressed.

And then I start being all weird. And then of course that people don't know how to be with me. So I, you know, I'm the one who makes the exact thing that I believe happened because I become so weird. And, and so what I've learned the last. Few years is asked to be like, stop, like you are seeing the world in a distorted way.

And sometimes I'll actually do a reality check with, you know, a few of the women that I really trust to say, wait, hold on. Like I'm seeing myself this way. Is this what you see happening? Because sometimes that's. That, self hating girl really needs to be reminded that she's okay. So it's that stop can often be like each step follows the other, but I want you all to know that each step can even stand on its own, you know, like even just stopping, if you can just stop and say, this is not real.

I mean, you're literally rewiring your brain by doing that. 

[00:23:12] Grace: Yeah. Cause you're dismissing those, the primal protective thoughts, right. That are not truth that are 

[00:23:18] Isabelle: exaggerated. And you're not going down that neural pathway that says you're in danger. You better either. Usually we either hurt ourselves or another, right?

So we either find a way to self destruct or or hurt another. So you're literally stopping a neural pathway from continuing down its groove and getting deeper and deeper, which then becomes easier and easier to act out that whole habit. So it's, it's just extraordinary to stop. So then the 2nd step is slow down and breathe.

And I know, you know, this, and you teach your community this. Slow deep abdominal breath is the fastest way to tell our bodies that we are safe because when our bodies think we're in danger, it starts doing thoracic breathing, fast breathing, because what it's trying to do is bring all your energy to your extremities so that you can fight flight or freeze.

And so it just does it right? Like, like, your husband is a jerk or your partner's a jerk, whatever it is, and you suddenly you'll start heart rate starts going in traffic. It's stuck in traffic and you can feel it. And, you know, we can even notice sometimes notice sometimes, like, notice the tension in your body that's happening as you start heading towards that red zone.

And so if you become the boss of your breath temporarily, right? And you're like, no, I'm going to breathe slowly. Abdominally. Your body then follows goes, oh, wait, we're not in danger. Oh, wait, I can start coming back into my body. I can start recovering the capacity to think rationally, like, my cortisol, like, like, all these good things happen just by taking 5 to 10 deep abdominal breath.

It's, it's like a, it's like a loop. Yeah, it's just really cool. How powerful that is. There was as breathe, breathe, breathe, but I don't know if people really understand like why it's so important. So that's the second step, right? So getting yourself to yellow. And then the third step is what is go, right?

Stop, slow down, go to a feel good habit. And that's choosing an activity that can be internal, like where you think or an external activity that actually helps you really. Regulate your nervous system and come back to the green zone. And so, it could be like, I'm going to take a walk. It could be, I'm going to take a bath.

I'm going to, like, I'm going to take a break. I'm going to call grace, you know, like whatever it is, like I help people develop their own toolkits because for some people it's golf, you know, for some people it's like skydiving, you know, like, like you got to find your own toolkit that you have available and you got to create a toolkit that's usable in the moment.

Because sometimes you're in a meeting, you can't go skydiving and, and then some, you know, so you can develop some that are in the moment that you can do without anybody knowing. And then you can do some longer ones. Like, I'm going to take a 20 minute walk. So, so you develop a wide variety of what I call feel good habits and that really anchors you into that green zone.

[00:26:10] Grace: Yeah, and that last piece, I think understanding that internal versus external is really important to write that. Sometimes a lot of why I talk about is applying self compassion, right? Especially if we are that shame based, because the antidote to shame can be compassion or love and acceptance.and so those practices, I think ebb and flow all the time.

One of the biggest questions I get is, okay, what is your perfect like nervous system regulation routine on a daily basis? Like, what are your top three skills, right? And every time I I'll give some examples, kind of like you said, there's all examples in terms of those skills, but one, it ebbs and flows. We need different things at different times, right?

You know, everyone's different, what's going to work for someone isn't going to work for someone else. So it does take a little trial and error to figure that out. 

[00:27:04] Isabelle: Yeah. And, and, you know, then we get even more subtle, which is, so my cat is that just came on. He likes to come on like during deep conversations.

He's very funny about that. One of the big things too, is like, it also depends what zone you're in. Because to me, the big joke I make is if you tell me to meditate when I'm in the right zone. I'm going to be like. you know, F, you know, what, I can't because we are so amped up. We're so agitated, you know, our bodies think that we're in life or death danger.

And so if you tell me to meditate, I'm too wound up, my body's too wound up. So a lot of time, what I'll tell people, if they're really in the red zone, they have to find a way to move that energy. And it can be like going to the bathroom and doing a few jumping jacks or putting a song on and like singing at the top of your lungs.

Or like, like even just like jumping in place, like you, you sometimes in the red zone, we have to find ways to first discharge in a conscious way. Some of that energy, get ourselves a little closer to the yellow zone, and then calling a friend or meditating or journaling. Or if you have a friend, that's good.

You can call them in the red zone and just say, I'm in the red zone right now. I'm just going to discharge at you, but how pissed off I am about this. Don't take me too. Seriously. I just need to let it out. And then for me, at least I'm an external processor, letting it out automatically shifts me at least to the yellow zone.

And so some people not for some people now, but for me, it really helps me now. I have a great story the other day. This is another piece. Sometimes we're in the red zone and we can't move out of it. And so how, what do we do then? So, that's funny. Keep bringing Brian today. I feel bad, but because we're back together, by the way, I tell the story of being divorced and then we go back together.

And so whatever had happened, I had been triggered in the red zone and I couldn't get out of it and he was being so nice to me and he was being so affectionate and so kind and I just, you know, you know, we're guarded in the red zone, right? We were guarded. We were either in fight, flight or freeze. That was guarded.

And, and I felt so bad and I couldn't get out of it. And you know what I did, I was like, well, I can't get out of it. How can I be compassionate with myself? And so I was like, okay, just just let yourself be right now. And then I said to him, I said, honey, I want you to know I'm noticing how much you're trying to reconnect with me.

And I said, I'm stuck in the red zone. I don't want to be stuck in the red zone. But that's where I am and I can't get out of it. And he was so grateful. He said, I'm so grateful. You should. And guess what? Just the act of my being able to share being responsible with it shifted me. And then within minutes, I was able to talk to him and do that.

So I want people to know too, that yes, I have three steps. Yes. They work the large majority of the time. And sometimes we can't get out. And so how do we relate? To ourselves when we can't get out, 

[00:30:00] Grace: that's the perfect not segue necessarily. But I mean, I think addition to exactly what we need to be talking about is how do you do that?

No matter what. And I think that was a great example where so much of the time, even when we can shift it part of being aware is relating to ourselves differently, right? And so. So can you expand on that a little bit more? What does that really mean to relate to yourself when you're stuck, relate to yourself differently, that, that creates that, you're being your best self, no matter what.

[00:30:32] Isabelle: Well, one of the things that I see for the people who joined my work is that. You know, everybody's motivated to become the best version of themselves, right? So they learn this methodology where you're going to become a green zone, human being that's happy and driving and all the things and then they start realizing, like, every single time, like, oh, my God, I didn't, you know, because I help people track where you are every day.

And I would say the large, large, large majority of the time people come to me and say, I never knew how much I was in the red zone. I never knew how much more I was in the red zone or the yellow zone that I thought, right? Because a lot of people have done a lot of work will come to me. I think you and I work with that community.

And so, at 1st, there's a very clear thing of like, yes, red, yellow, green, do everything you can to practice the green. But over time, when the work gets more subtle than nuanced. It really is, like, all zones are sacred, like, they're all part of us being human. And so if you are in the red zone, you're hating yourself or like, like, hate, like, trying everything you do to get out from this place of I hate this.

The red zone is bad. I need to get to the green zone that creates more red zone. Right so, when we hate or shame ourselves about being human about having acted out about being on frustrated about being less than our perfect self, it's just going to create more red zone. It doesn't solve ever. You can't get out of the red zone with more red zone.

So, the only way you can get out of the red zone is awareness and maybe I should call it. Maybe I should call it compassionate awareness instead of just awareness. Shouldn't I? That would be a really good add to that because it's all conscious. No, but I like compassionate awareness. Like, oh, I'm in the red zone and then you can be unconscious.

I'm like, I can't believe I'm so people. I can't believe I'm in the red zone. 

[00:32:28] Grace: Oh, 

[00:32:29] Isabelle: yeah. I'm in the red zone. Can I be responsible with myself right in the red zone? Because when I was with Brian in that example, I did not let myself discharge at him. I re a part of me really wanted to tell him how much he had hurt me.

And you know, why did he always, you know, like all the things that we do in the red zone where everything becomes globalized, right? The one tiny thing because globalized, but I was able to be like, I'm in the red zone. I can't get out of it. But I'm going to be responsible with it. That's a very different experience.

That's why Brian was like, well, thank you, honey. Cause if I had acted from the red zone or if I had given myself shit. For being stuck in there, none of the miracle of how it unfolded with him would have occurred. So the red zone is okay. I just listen. If you want, we can put in the podcast. No, there's a podcast from Michael singer from the untethered soul that he, I just listened yesterday.

I hadn't listened to for months and it's something like, Overcome lower vibrations, blah, blah, blah. But he speaks about it is impossible to not be in lower vibrations as long as we're human. So if we use my language, it is impossible not to be in the red zone. You will be in the red zone. It will happen.

I promise. The question is. How do you relate to it? And then what do you do about it? And, you know, 1 of my big pieces of my, my mantra is it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility. That's probably the greatest mantra of this work. I don't like the word mantra is good, but that's what you're talking about.

It's not our fault that we go to the red zone. It's fault of an evolutionary evolutionary glitch. Our trauma life stressors. But it is our responsibility to then shift out of it in the best way that we can. 

[00:34:15] Grace: Let's go there. Let's talk about that for a minute. And I'll bring myself into this because I think when we were talking about doing this episode, I was sharing how I have to laugh about it and bring comedy to it this year that the most unimaginable things have happened.

It is just like. Universe spirit is sending me all the things to be like, can you handle this? Can you handle this? Can you handle that? And, there are definitely moments of practice where I'm able to be like, okay, I've been surrendering and accepting. And then of course I'll get in those tight, rigid red zone moments of what am I doing wrong?

Why can't I handle this? Why can't I manage it? And I think that's when you reflect it back to me, like, You can still be in the green zone. Green doesn't green zone doesn't mean you're fabulous all the time. Right? It's the cost. I know it, but it's a reminder. I need all the time. So, when we're able to feel okay, no matter what, yeah, it's that relationship to where we are.

Right? So, let me bring this around. For example,Yeah, there have been moments where I, I, I just fully accepted, like, okay, this is just what I'm moving through. And I kind of give myself some grace with schedule with work. I've like, decreased clients a little bit, you know, over months.and then it came to a point where it's like, I can't keep modifying my life.

I have to live my life. I have to keep going. Right. And, but there was this disconnect between. Okay, well, how do I do that when truly it is objectively like this shit storm is going on and I'm really struggling to be in it and I know all the things and then I feel like a fraud because I should should write as I say that I recognize that's.

More harmful than helpful when I should be doing something.and so when there are things that are outside of your control, and they're truly are affecting you. How do you, how do you stay in that green zone?

[00:36:21] Isabelle: Yeah, I'm just, there's a bunch of different answers. So, first of all, I don't know anybody for whom life is not constantly beyond our control. I think we think we can control things. And I think it's a great illusion that we have. It's just sometimes life brings us things we like, and then sometimes The life brings us things we don't like.

Like, I think if we were to say it like that, it's funny actually getting that Michael Singer podcast, he says, I actually wrote it down. Let me see if I can find it easily. It's what it's in my notes. He said, he said, failure is the inability to handle reality and success is the ability to handle reality, right?

He's like, it's like all the work we do. Is is about can we learn to handle reality, right? So 1 is to be to be pressed. So, like, you said it and I want to go deeper into that people think the green zone is just the positive side of life degree. So, the feel good scale actually is a triangle shape. And so the red zone is at the top is the top of the triangle.

The greens 1 is at the bottom and it's the, it's obviously the bottom of the time. That's very specifically designed to show that in the green zone, we are open. We are spacious. You know, I often talk about a riverbed. If you think of a riverbed, and you think that there's a lot of energy water coming through this riverbed, which is energy in motion emotion, and you constrict the river gets constricted.

What's going to happen to this huge influx of water? It's going to spill. It's going to overflow and, it's going to create a mess. It's going to flood everything when we are in the red zone and something really difficult comes our way. And so we feel very scared or very angry or very sad or whatever it is.

And we constrict against it. That's where suffering comes. That's when we want to then discharge energy, or we want to do all the things that are destructive. Yeah. In the green zone, whatever is happening, you open, you open to it and, I know I'm checking in your light went off. Are you good? All right.

Yeah, just yeah, keep going it again. It's like, this is one of those moments. That's right. It's like wrong in interviews and online all the time. And then we get to decide, like, okay, let's do it. This is I'm going to be with the reality like I can't fix it, and it's not my preferred scenario, and I'm going to be with that.

So, in the green zone, you are open and you are open to fear. You're open to worry. You're open to positivity. You're open. You're open. And you let life move through you. And so when people talk about going through cancer, I have a whole bunch. I just have two more people that were diagnosed with cancer from our community.

And they say again and again, and again, as I was able to be with it, with all of myself, I didn't push away the fear. I didn't push away the optimism. I was able to be with all of it without letting any of it kidnap me. That's the thing, you know, when we. If we experience fear, like I had an event happen in my life, financial event, that's really scary, right?

In the last couple of months and a 10 o'clock at night when I'm all by myself. Right? And it's dark and it's winter. Now, I can really go into fear and when I get and so I can be in fear. Like, I'm in the green zone. I'm like, yeah, here's fear. Like, just breathe through it. I know it's going to pass. And then usually like other thoughts come like Isabel, you're going to be totally okay.

Like, whatever it is when I let myself go into fear in the red zone. This is never going to work out. You're in big trouble. You're not going to be able to retire your, your failure. And so they're just very different ways to be with life's reality. You can either fight life's reality, especially when it's difficult, or you can be open to it and trust that things always move things always move.

And so, hopefully, I answered your question, but, you know, he's built on that. If there's more. 

[00:40:33] Grace: Yeah, no, I definitely because it's and that's a piece. that I think at least for me, but especially I know through all the clients and people that I see is, is always some of the, the hardest thing to remember, because when we're in that red zone, we forget, right?

It's it's, we forget those, those insights, those wisdoms, how we relate to ourselves. But I think the more that we do it over time, you know, it brings a little bit more of that. And I, you know, I remember feeling like. I've got this down. I'm, I'm, I'm really able to, to move through and, and be with and, you know, obviously everyone has hard times.

And then I think this year was just a, it's like a challenge, like, but can you really, but can you really be with when, when shit hits the fan, you know? And, so I'm relearning it on a, on a deeper level. On a level that I didn't realize I needed because I kind of thought I had it. 

[00:41:32] Isabelle: I'm telling you this year for so many of us, I cannot believe, like, I've seen people with financial losses, relational losses, health losses there.

I feel like. I don't know if it's a quickening or an amplifying and where we really do get to decide are we going to be skillful or are we going to fall apart? And it doesn't mean, I mean, I fall apart. I mean, it's pretty rare these days that I fall apart and I'm totally okay with falling apart. but it's been a, it's been a really intense year for, for a lot of us.

And. You know, the being with is literally the opposite of what our evolutionary brain wants us to do. I evolutionary brain when there's danger when there's something going wrong wants us to constrict against it wants us to consider it dangerous and wants to send us to the red zone. So I just want to make sure I tell people that when I'm talking like, Oh, just be open.

You're literally fighting hundreds of thousands of evolution. And I want you to really like, like, celebrate yourself if you're able to stay open, even when terror is moving through you or hate, you know, with politics is moving through you like, like, if you can breathe and be with, it's really, really quite skillful and, and it's a practice.

And it's a practice. Yes. It's definitely a practice. Yeah. And we become better and better at it. It's like, it's like you, you know, I don't know why we think it's self development. It's different than any other skill. Like if you were a tennis player, right, it would be normal that a, you would play harder games as you kept playing, cause it'd be really boring to play the same with the same people at the same level.

And then it would become harder and you'd have to learn deeper, more subtler skills about your game, you know, and, and fail. Because you're learning and then learn and then learn. So, like, think of our, we can think of ourselves as like athletes who are learning to become amazing players. And, but the only way to do that is actually to get more and more difficult.

Place to come our way. 

[00:43:46] Grace: Yeah, I like that analogy. That's really helpful. A good visual and exactly makes a lot of sense. Yeah, you 

[00:43:52] Isabelle: wouldn't 

[00:43:52] Grace: think that 

[00:43:52] Isabelle: because you learn the basic skills, you're like, oh, I'm young now, it's like, you know, that's why for me, I keep practicing the work. I, I don't ever stop learning.

This work never stops giving me something. It's really 1 of the things that I love the most about this methodology. It sounds so simple. It's just 3 stops on the scale. It's literally infinitely giving and teaching. Yeah. 

[00:44:16] Grace: Yeah, because it can be, there's so many layers to it, right? So many teachings, so many layers, that you discover more about yourself and your life.

And, one of the biggest things in my community is when people learn certain skills, like we're talking about and, and they're feeling better in their bodies and maybe some of their symptoms have stopped or really decreased for long period of time. And then they have a flare or they have a bad day with it.

And then it's like, All hell breaks loose because, Oh my gosh, what happened? I thought I was doing so much better and why am I flaring again? And, and it's a constant conversation. I'm having all the time of it is not perfect. It is not linear. And this is calling you to look at it in a little bit different way.

You know, 

[00:45:00] Isabelle: so, and and to remember the brain, even when it's more dormant, that part of the brain that's tracking for danger, it's still there. So, when suddenly it sees the potential of danger. It sounded like, oh, my God, you know, it once again, it's like, oh, you were fine. You walked out of your cave for a whole bunch of days for a month to month.

There was no bear. You start being a little less vigilant, but there's still a part of your brain that's looking for that. And so the moment it sees the potentiality of bear, it's like it. And goes, oh, my God, you're in danger. And then, you know, it doesn't just say you're in danger. It also the brain, the amygdala also tells you what you did last time to try to protect yourself from danger.

So it has not only oh, here's the problem, but here's what you did. So, if last time, Do you, you know, so let's say your partner says something, you know, that's it for a month. You're getting along really well with your partner. You're like, oh, my God, we've healed our issue. And then suddenly your partner does the thing that they were, you know, they were not going to do anymore.

You're not going to be like, well, it was just 1 day, you know, not a problem. Like your brain, your limbic is going to be like, oh, my God, he's doing it again. And it's only going to remember. Every single thing that he has done wrong, she has done wrong. It's because it's trying to save you. It thinks you're back in that danger.

However much work you've done. The only difference is you now have enough skill to be like, oh, yeah, I'm in the red zone. Oh, yeah, I am seeing him or me or whatever it is from that place. Oh, yeah. Let me shift out of it. You know, Joe dispense. Somebody asked him in an interview. Do you still get stressed?

He's like, yes, of course I still get stressed. He said, the only difference is I recognize it faster and I know how to shift out of it faster, which is literally what this methodology teaches us. You recognize when you're in the red zone faster and you shift out of it faster, but it doesn't mean you don't go in the red zone.

That's I love the way that just came together. So beautifully. 

[00:46:58] Grace: Yes, that is so key. That is exactly. We can't not right. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Is there anything else around all of this? Especially, you know, really what's important is. feeling good no matter what that you feel like you still need to say that.

Listeners need to understand. 

[00:47:20] Isabelle: Yeah. Living from the green zone, right? It's like it allows you to connect to parts of yourself, like I call it the best version. I wanna go back to that. 'cause sometimes it's easy. In these interviews, when we talk about this work to talk about red zone, talk about red zone, talk about red zone.

And I really want to leave listeners feeling inspired. Why? Why is it so important? And just, you know, in the green zone, we did talk about brain waves, but we access higher brain waves, like alpha or theta. And we are able to connect naturally to the parts of us that can be loving and kind and compassionate who are inspired who for me connected to spirit.

You know, I connect to spirit. My intuition gets turned on. Like, like, like, right action the way the Buddhists talk about it comes from the green zone. And so, like, I want to make sure people hold that that there's a reason why it's so important to go back the green zone because it feels truly so good.

And even if you do feel turbulent. Emotions, even then you can feel it from a place of groundedness or peace, or like, we've been talking about compassion and it is who we are meant to be. It is who I think we are when we don't have these human suits on anymore. We are these amazing loving souls. And every time we come back to the green zone.

We are reconnecting to that and to understand that is in us all the time. It's like a radio station. We just haven't tuned into it when, when the red or yellow is such an exciting thing, especially for those of us who spend our lives hating ourselves. Like, we don't even understand that that zone lives in us.

It's not something we have to go out to some retreat or some guru to go get. It's something that lives in us and once we regulate our nervous systems, it's there accessible for us anytime. And so I don't want to, you know, like I said, the word thrive and, you know, your best self can be so overspoken about, but I wanted to really highlight freaking good.

It feels to live your life from that place. And so this work is worth it. 

[00:49:57] Grace: Beautiful endings for that. Thank you. I think that was very much so needed. You're right. We focus so much on how to get out of the. The red zone, the difficult place. And we forget that actually the more that we can bring in these green zone spaces and feelings and emotions and states of being, that's exactly what we want to go to focus on so that 

[00:50:17] Isabelle: we go to, 

[00:50:18] Grace: yeah, 

[00:50:18] Isabelle: it's like, it's imagine that you are doing a restrictive diet, right?

Either because you told it, told you by BS or, you know, whatever it is, like, or you want to lose your overweight and your health is not good, you know, If all you remember is the diet and what you're supposed to do, and all you remember is how much you hurt. And then all you remember is what you have to do, but you don't remember your why you don't have an outcome.

You don't have the capacity of seeing the vision. Like, oh, my God, I'm going to get up in the morning, have enough energy because I will have slept well, and I'll be able to move my body and go on hikes. And I'll be able to, you know, like, that, that. Pain and then the thing we have to do will only motivate us this long.

We actually need to have the vision. Why the hell are we doing this? Like, why? On times when it's really hard to practice this, you know, when you don't want to not eat the thing, like, if we keep the metaphor of that. And so I wanted people to remember, like, there's a really good reason to practice this work and, and truly, it is possible to actually feel grounded and loving and spacious and inspired and enthusiastic the large majority of your life and out of your day.

That's really the promise of this work. 

[00:51:38] Grace: Beautiful. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you coming on here. I think this is a wonderful conversation and episode and we're really help people. So 

[00:51:48] Isabelle: where can people find you? Yes. So the feelgoodlife. com is my website. And if you go to the feelgoodlife. com slash habits, I have really my favorite workbook I've ever created that the.

Part one really, teaches the methodology, just a few pages, like recaps the methodology so that you have it there. Part two, it helps you look at your habits from health, relationships, spirituality, and money, and helps you see which habits are not feel good habits. We call them false good habits. So which habits you want to choose to let go, and then helps you build your own toolkit for feel good habits you can use.

And then part three is just a one page handout. That you can use in the moment that you print out, it has the scale, the three steps, and then you can put the habits that you want to use in those moments. Cause a lot of the time when, when the red zone, we don't remember, I don't, I don't know, I don't, what's, what's, what's my feel good habit.

So by, by choosing them carefully and then having a handout available, it's, it's just a great, great workbook. So that's the feelgoodlife. com slash. Wait, the feel good life habits. I hope I said that right. And I know you're going to put it and then the website is the feel good life dot com. And please reach out to me if you want to talk further about this, or to to grace, because she's certified in the work.

I don't think you said that at the beginning of our session. She's a certified facilitator and it's just an honor for me to have her be a representative and ambassador of this work. You really you're you are an honor to me. 

[00:53:20] Grace: Oh, thank you. It's been a wonderful, I mean, I don't know, I don't know where I'd be without it.

It is the, the primary lens through which I do so much of my work. So yeah. Thank you for it. All right. Well, thank you so much. See you later.